Dorothy Hooks is a Christian woman who tries to live by the Bible. When she met Cedric Youngblood, she saw a man who never had a chance. His family life as a child had been abusive. He had been in and out of jail. Dorothy saw someone who just needed to get out of the ghetto and learn the meaning of love and family.
In Dorothy, Cedric saw a giving, caring woman who wants to do the right thing and help people.In other words, Cedric saw a target.
Last week, the Cedric Youngblood story was posted on Lovefraud.com. Dorothy courageously talks about her marriage to the man who she now realizes is a sociopath. But for more than three years, Dorothy focused on Cedric’s potential, hoping he would change his abusive behavior.
Again and again, Dorothy gave Cedric another chance. She kept forgiving his cheating and his violence. She knew he could change.
He didn’t.
“I didn’t realize that for a person to change, he has to want to change,” she says. “If that person doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to change.”
Victimizing nurturing women
In his book, Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare points out that psychopaths (the term he uses) are experts at identifying and victimizing nurturing women.
There are many people in the world who want to think the best of everyone.Time and time again, Lovefraud has heard from people who have been deceived and defrauded by sociopaths who say, “I never knew such evil existed.”
It does.
Sociopaths make up 1% of the population. That means in the United States, there are 3 million of these predators looking for victims. These people have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. By the time they are adults, their personalities are set. Any attempt to change them is futile.
Discerning those who want to change
Of course, there are millions of people who get into trouble in their lives and deserve a second chance. So it’s important to be able to differentiate those who can be rehabilitated from those who can’t.
The first step is to accept that sociopaths exist. The second step is to know the symptoms of the disorder.
Then we may be able to discern the people who really want to change from the sociopaths who only mouth the words so they can keep bleeding us.
Dear Aerin,
Didn’t mean to panic you darling! But at the same time, time is of the essence with a child’s growing up. My P-son had I think a caring and loving family (not perfect, but a good one in many ways) and still at puberty he morphed into a monster by 20 he was in prison for murder. My other son is ADHD and an asshole, but not a psychopath, but I’ve “done with” him in any case. I don’t hate him, but just don’t deal with him any more. If I must communicate with him it is by e mail. I haven’t laid eyes on him in a year since I invited him OUT of my house for lying to me. Broke my heart and I had a melt down last January, but I’m doing okay now, got a handle on it. Just have NO tolerance now for dishonesty of any kind in adults and not much patience with it in kids! LOL
My adopted son is a doll but I don’t take any credit for him!
Dr. Leedom is a sweetie and she is concerned about her own child and is doing the best she can to help herself and others raise their at-risk children with empathy and compassion to give them the best shot at being empathetic and caring adults.
My ex once told me about the woman who’d tried to commit suicide, and the two ex-wives who put on an enormous amount of weight after their relationships ended. Now that I have finished with the mass-manipulating, the lies, the projection, and unbelievable stress, I understand. One of the ex-wives wrote me and said that I now understood what she’d dealt with and she hoped I didn’t put on lots of weight to block the pain. I survived over twelve years with a man who swears to anyone who will listen, especially his bondage girlfriend, that he was the most faithful man in the world. I can’t even discuss it with him, because he is in his own reality. I only know that I am glad to escape the insanity, and if that was loyalty he was showing, then…I’ll pass. It was a horrendous experience filled with unbelievable deception and lies in every direction possible. I learned more about the word, “depravity,” that I ever wanted to know! You cannot change a sociopath! His poor ex-wife has no idea how I protected his children, and he is now with someone who seems to have a small child at home. My family has told me to just move on…and I am, because if I don’t I will probably go insane.
I’m so sorry your children have caused you so much pain. I can’t imagine as a mother what that is to go thru. You have sweet, beautiful babies and never think they will grow up to be people you want nothing to do with. I’m really sorry.
Of course I have tender moments with my daughter, but then I think uh oh, when she’s 15 she’s not going to want to be tender with me anymore. I pray all the time to God to protect my daughter and to keep her mentally and pysically healthy, and safe. From the second I found out I was pregnant I prayed for her because I knew her father’s family’s history with drugs & alcohol. I prayed that she wouldn’t have that genetic link to their substance abuse. And now I pray that she doesn’t become a psychopath. Ohhh…my poor, sweet daughter. I love her so much.
Thanks for your insights & concerns. I always think its good to hope for the best but expect the worst. I pray it’s the BEST for my daughter!! I will definetely look more into this matter!
Oxy,
That previous post was for you
Dear Aerin,
Believe when I say that my faith has been tried, and sometimes I felt like King David when he threw himself on the floor crying “Oh, my son, my son” for his psychopathic son Absalom, and I think from the story that Absalom was a very narcissistic and creepy guy and probably a psychopath. Other psychopaths are described in the Bible. David had enabled Absalom for years, decades.
I realize too that we do the BEST that we can for our children, and then when they are the age of accountability we must let them be on their own, stand on their own two feet and be responsible for themselves. We love them when they are little and teach and correct them, give them a good example and then our job is done, the rest is up to them. They have CHOICES. I do not think that any of us are “programmed” to be anything, we may have a TENDENCY like the genetic part to be a drug addict or an alcoholic, but you have the CHOICE to drink or not to drink, to drug or not to drug, the psychopath knows right from wrong and has a choice. They are not doomed in my belief any more than a person with a genetic tendency for alcoholism. A person with that tendency still has a choice. It may be a more difficult choice for him than for me (assuming I don’t have that genetic code turned on) but it is still a choice. Yes or no.
You sound like a bright young woman and a caring one and I think your daughter will do fine with a mother who models love and empathy for her, and teaches her to have compassion for others. Even in identical twins raised apart studies there is only a 50-80% correlation in psychopathy so it is not a done deal at all. Environment has a lot to do with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t all have some of the genetics for Psychopathy that just aren’t turned on by environment in us.
Glad you are here Aerin, because the young women have their entire lives ahead of them and their children and are the ones to carry the banners forward to the next generations of mothers and fathers. I’m glad to see young women like you, “getting it” early on.
Oxy,
Thanks for your kind words. Like I always tell my therapist, “I need to keep on trucking”. And then he’ll tell me to think sunshine, not gloom.
A small part of me always thinks that one day when my daughter is an adult and having a bad day, she’ll have a glass of wine, and then another, and then another until she can’t stop. I always think that something will trigger that alcoholic link to her. I know I am thinking the worst here, but it’s something that’s always in the back of my head. You’re right about the environment she is in, my therapist says the same thing. He says she isn’t going to be brought up around that behavior (btw- my ex lives 30 miles away) and therefore more than likely won’t have that tendency to depend on drugs or alcohol. He always thinks I worry too much. I’m a mom…that’s what moms do.
Thanks again…I sincerely hope your son (the one with ADHD) comes around and realizes how important it is to have your mom in your life. I know he will need to earn his trust back with you, but I hope he “gets it” one day and becomes the person you raised him to be.
Dear Aerin,
I used to wish that too, and I thought he had, but it was just another fake change of heart. It wasnt the one lie that got to me, it was the LAST ONE. He’s on his own at this point in time. He’s not a kid, he’s an adult man well old enough to know what he was doing, and to make his choices. He cut off contact with my egg donor for lying to him, and yet he turns around and lies to me. DUH! Sort of the “pot calling the kettle black” I think.
I wish I could say that there is any possibility I would ever trust him again, but there’s not, and those that I can’t trust I don’t want to be around, there’s nothing in a relation-shit with them for me except pain. But you know, I’m okay with that at this point in time, so don’t “feel bad” for me, it was just one of a long line of things I’ve come to grips with. That’s LIFE.
Oxy,
Good for you!! I think as long as you surround yourself with good, positive people, and don’t indulge with nonsense, lies, fake people, bs, etc, you’re good to go!
That’s my mantra for life. Surround myself with good, positive people!! All others can go you know where!! 🙂
Aussieg,
you brought up a post for me last night, and I saw it while I was half asleep, and cannot quite remember or find it now. can you tell me the name of the post please.
thank you
petite
Oxy, my post on the other thread should have gone here, because it is more relevant to the topic of trying to save a sociopath. My comment was about why it is so difficult to be in church. He will harass, stalk and use the fact that the church will always accept him – why? Because the belief is that people can change.
In fact, many people have tried to save him – I always think to myself, “Good luck – you’re the 101st person to try.” Many (not professionals that have worked with such people) will not accept the fact that he is an abuser, much less a sociopath, much less an evil person. Some people think it is their life mission to turn these people around.
It also doesn’t help that we always hear testimonies of changed lives, and some dramatic ones at that. Some people live to hear such testimonies. So they will not give up on anyone.
Why do we stay past the first mistreatment? Because breaking up was hard to enforce. The first time I told him of my hesitancy in going forward, we were in the car and he drove me to his place and kept me there, in his room, being interrogated and threatened. I was afraid and backed off. I didn’t have any support (I was thousands of miles away from home). Then later, when I broke up, he kept coming back and harassing me and I found I couldn’t study. I knew I couldn’t afford to fail, but there was no way of keeping him away, so I went back and thought to myself that since most of the conflict was about breaking up, I should stay, and it would be easier. So we got married.
Once married, I thought I had no other option. During the many years of marriage, I saw many counselors, mostly alone but once or twice with him. Even when they heard my story or saw his behavior, not once did anyone tell me to run. In fact, after his arrest not long ago, the pastor, who watched him decimate me and said his wife would have slapped him if he had spoken that way, suggested to us to go away together, just the two of us. I was horrified, and luckily, I couldn’t get babysitters. Finally, I told my counselor I wanted to leave the relationship – she wouldn’t give me full support. I told the psychologist and he said that separation wasn’t an option. In the end, I decided I didn’t need anybody’s support – I knew God would support me.
It sounds like I am giving excuses, but in truth that’s the way it was. Of course, knowing what I know now, I would not let that happen again. But back then, I didn’t know one could legitimately leave a relationship. From what people tell me, many still think that way.