Dorothy Hooks is a Christian woman who tries to live by the Bible. When she met Cedric Youngblood, she saw a man who never had a chance. His family life as a child had been abusive. He had been in and out of jail. Dorothy saw someone who just needed to get out of the ghetto and learn the meaning of love and family.
In Dorothy, Cedric saw a giving, caring woman who wants to do the right thing and help people.In other words, Cedric saw a target.
Last week, the Cedric Youngblood story was posted on Lovefraud.com. Dorothy courageously talks about her marriage to the man who she now realizes is a sociopath. But for more than three years, Dorothy focused on Cedric’s potential, hoping he would change his abusive behavior.
Again and again, Dorothy gave Cedric another chance. She kept forgiving his cheating and his violence. She knew he could change.
He didn’t.
“I didn’t realize that for a person to change, he has to want to change,” she says. “If that person doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to change.”
Victimizing nurturing women
In his book, Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare points out that psychopaths (the term he uses) are experts at identifying and victimizing nurturing women.
There are many people in the world who want to think the best of everyone.Time and time again, Lovefraud has heard from people who have been deceived and defrauded by sociopaths who say, “I never knew such evil existed.”
It does.
Sociopaths make up 1% of the population. That means in the United States, there are 3 million of these predators looking for victims. These people have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. By the time they are adults, their personalities are set. Any attempt to change them is futile.
Discerning those who want to change
Of course, there are millions of people who get into trouble in their lives and deserve a second chance. So it’s important to be able to differentiate those who can be rehabilitated from those who can’t.
The first step is to accept that sociopaths exist. The second step is to know the symptoms of the disorder.
Then we may be able to discern the people who really want to change from the sociopaths who only mouth the words so they can keep bleeding us.
Oxy –
“Those of us who have strong faith that even a person who has a very flawed character can change, can be forgiven and that “God can do anything” must realize that a person must WANT to change before even God can reach him.”
Absolutely. Let’s not forget that we were created with both the capacity for learning but also with the capacity for free will.
Sure, God could have “fixed” Pharoah in Moses’ time, so that he treated the Israelites nicely, instead of whooping them, But the Bible describes Pharoah as “hard-hearted”; not even messages carried directly from God to Pharoah through Moses and Aaron had any effect on THAT supreme narcissist! God chose to allow Pharoah to experience the consequences of his free will.
There are also plenty of examples of God deciding that enough was enough and just taking people right out of the picture, knowing as He did, that there free choice was to be the way that they were and that no amount of “learning” or exposure to “the facts” was going to soften their hearts or change their minds.
Who are we to argue with that wisdom and those assessments? Whether we believe in a Christian God or not, and whether we have faith in the Bible or not, these are still valuable principles and lessons for us. Not everyone is redeemable. Not because God CAN’T redeem them; but because they DON’T WANT redemption, they want things their own way. Just like spaths do.
Sky –
“He wants a change to occur in his life, but not in himself”
Wow! That pretty well sums up spaths all over, doesn’t it? They are never satisfied with what they have, but keep seeking to fill their bottomless pits of nothingness by changing things in the lives they touch instead; and not in a good way.
Aerin –
“about toxic people working in the human services field, of course they are everywhere, but it makes you wonder why people with these disorders want to work in fields that are supposed to help humanity. ”
I work in schools and have been appalled over the years, by how many teachers don’t actually LIKE children. What those same teachers DO like though, is the POWER that CONTROL over a buch of kids bestows upon them; and the credibility that such a profession brings within communities.
“A small part of me always thinks that one day when my daughter is an adult and having a bad day, she’ll have a glass of wine, and then another, and then another until she can’t stop. I always think that something will trigger that alcoholic link to her”
If it reassures you in any way, I am the grandchild of three alcoholics (and I don’t know about my fourth grandparent, because she died before I was born and is rarely talked about). I am also the daughter of a former abusive and violent drunk-by-choice. I don’t think that my father was an alcoholic, because when he decided to stop, he did so without much of a battle, from what I was able to work out.
My life has been exactly the kind of way-out soap-opera that really ought to have induced me to go back to my “roots” and drink my way through it, but I have not done so. Nor am I a teetotaller; I enjoy a drink every now and then, but have never had an addiction issue with it.
So – it does not necessarily follow that if it’s in our gene pool we will fall back into the fanily pattern.
artheart –
“I learned more about the word, “depravity,” that I ever wanted to know! ”
You and me both. x
“My family has told me to just move on”and I am, because if I don’t I will probably go insane”
You can’t save everyone. I feel enormous sadness over my former step-son (now 16 and very troubled from all accounts). He lived with me for 4 years and rarely saw his bio mum during that time, so he felt like my own child and I feel a level of responsibility for his welfare, even now (4 years post-spath). I had to weigh up the cost of “being there” for him with the things I needed to do for my own healing. In the end, I had nothing I could give him anyhow, because I didn’t even have enough for myself.
I comfort myself by thinking about the good things I taught him, the protection from his father that my presence in the home afforded him and the REAL love I showed him. Perhaps, one day, these things will be his saving grace and perhaps, without the 4 years we had together, he would not have otherwise had those experiences.
Petite-
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/09/10/psychopaths-use-our-best-qualities-against-us/
Dear aussiegirl,
Thanks so much for your kind & reassuring words. It’s comforting to know you weren’t inflicted by your family’s history of alcohol dependence.
Aerin,
I caught a post of your above I’d like to address about your daughter drinking a glass of wine then another then another and she can’t stop.
My exspathy introduced me to wine. It was his MO. I loved it, and still do, but realized that I was becoming an alcoholic. So I stopped drinking wine. Last week, during a very dark time of depression and pain (I’m newlyl NC) My daughter and I and her BF went out for chips and salsa and a drink. I had two glasses of wine. Then another…….and if we had not left, I would have had more….I was not ready to try it again. I enjoy very much going out with my child and having that time with her. I’m not opposed to a glass of wine or two, but given that I got hooked on it with Spath and am still grieving, it’s just not safe for me right now. It’s almost as if wine is a connection to spath. And I just can’t allow that in my life at the moment. Maybe I’ll try again someday, maybe I won’t, but I think it’s all about choices. I choose NOT to drink to drown my pain or to connect with Spathy again.
I don’t know your full story about your daughter yet, but it IS possible that this too shall pass. But she has to make that choice. Alcohol can easily become a poor coping skill. Before the stress of spath, I rarely IF EVER touched alcohol. I can make better choices. And I bet she can too if she wants too. It’s all a matter of who is in control. Alcohol and Spathy and his addiction or me. Well, now I am 🙂
lesson learned,
Thanks for your story. My daughter is only 15 months old, and a sweet, lovely baby at that! I know I’m thinking too far into the future, but I guess it’s better to worry than not to worry. I think deep down in my heart I know she’s going to grow up a very intelligent, beautiful, kind, happy, caring, strong, independent woman. It’s just that little voice in the back of my head saying “what it”. What if something happens in her life that triggers that genetic link inside her to depend on drugs or alcohol (that’s on her father’s side, not mine, thankfully).
I have a very good support system around me that love both me & my daughter, especially considering everything I’ve been thru with her father. They want nothing but the best for us. Thank goodness she is not going to be exposed to her father’s crazy, dysfunctional life, and I know that’s very beneficial to her well being. I really would die if she grew up around her father and his crazy making, sociopathic ways. I told him that as well. He just kind of shrugged it off, as if he knew he couldn’t stop his behavior. I should say he doesn’t want to stop his behavior. Too bad for him!!! He’s the loser in this game as far as I’m concerned!!
Thanks again for your post. I wish you luck & healing. Going no contact is the best way to go. It shows your power over them!!!
Aerin,
LOL! Funny….I only caught just that post. Now I understand a bit better.
I agree with you in that she stands a better chance at not using alcohol and drugs if given enough support. It is NOT a guarantee however. My ex P, the father of all of my children, is a raging alcoholic, as is his father. I was BLESSED that he wanted NOTHING to do with his children and that gave me the benefit. My older girls will have a drink once in awhile, say if they go out somewhere, but NONE of them are alcoholics and they ALL know the downside of it. This became VERY important (educationally) when approaching adolescence. ALL but two tried alcohol or marijuana. You cannot prevent your child from exposure to those things as they become more and more independent, but if they grow up with a good base, with education and direction, discipline and MAINLY love, the chances are better they will make the right choices. Sounds like a good thing that you’re thinking about these things now, but living in fear about what the future will bring is probably not so much if it’s overwhelming. I wish I could protect my children from all the bad influences and stuff out there, however, if they aren’t exposed enough to make choices, I believe their chances are higher of using than not. It’s all about everything you teach to her and how she chooses when she becomes an adolescent 🙂 I think you’re VERY wise in thinking about how to approach it now. Also teaching her about sociopathy in the future is also wise. Because she isn’t exposed to her father, DOES NOT mean she won’t be exposed later outside of the realms of safety. There are MANY examples here of that. I think knowledge is power, strong boundaries another…there is nothing wrong with teaching your children about what goes on in the REAL world out there. Whether she chooses to engage in drinking/drugs is the least of the concerns when she could choose a dating partner that may be a sociopath later on in life, or friends or even have teachers that are (I have a son who had a psychopath teacher-NIGHTMARE!). As with my experience Aerin, you could be completely alcohol free, but a sociopath can use that as his MO and lure your child into those behaviors, thus setting off the genetics element.
Just food for thought. I’m glad you’re away from your spath and have a great support system. It DOES up her chances of a healthy life! You sound like a great Mom and perhaps this experience will provide many blessings for you in the future as well as for her with the radar you’ve developed now!
Good Luck!
I don’t know how to respond to specific posts.
This is what is so difficult: When we were trying to “save” our marriage, I kept reading that it is best to stay with the person you are with, because when the necessary changes happen, then the person ends up being a better husband. If you don’t, then all of your hard work goes to the next person that your husband ends up with. So…I see the fallacy in expecting change, but I also have to see how happy he appears with his new person. He doesn’t even look back at all of the damage he left behind. It is as if thirteen years just disappeared. He tells everyone that I have done what he has done. He sends me threatening emails stating that I am doing what he has done. I can concur with so many of these blog comments, because I THOUGHT we had a special bond, and I was with him when his mother and dad died, and now it is as if I never existed. He tells everyone that I am this person that I could never recognize as me. He actually says with the most sincere heart that he was never unfaithful in our marriage, and this new person and, I think, even his children believe him! He was horrendous during our marriage in so many ways, and he has turned it all on me. I don’t ever want to step between the love of a child for the father, so I have had to “eat it,” and I have to say it hurts. I love his children and to have me be seen as an ogre in their eyes hurts me to the bone. How do I move past this? I really want to, and I am trying so hard. Sometimes I believe I can feel him, but I have to shut him out, because I know he only wants to use me for something else, and is the master manipulator of my feelings. What a fool I have been, and for so long.
lesson learned,
I’m glad your children are healthy and know the downfalls of alcohol. I’ve gotten some good feed back regarding that matter on this forum, and it is very comforting to know that just because my daughter has that genetic code in her doesn’t necessarily mean she will become one. I, like you, and some other posts on here have said they know when to stop. I’m glad to know that my influence on my daughter will afford her that option as well. When the time comes I will talk to her about the dangerous effects of drugs & alcohol. I’m not going to tell her not to try it, because we all know how that will end up. I just want her to be a normal, healthy, happy child, teenager, adult!!!
And yes…I am going to nicely speak to her one day about sociopaths. I want her to be fully aware of these kind of people out there. I really think I would consider myself a bad mom if heaven forbid she got involved with a sociopath. I would rethink everything about me as a mom and a person. I think because my daughter doesn’t have a father like I had (loving, protective, fun) that I know she deserves so much more. The thought of her having downfalls with drugs or alcohol or coming across a sociopath herself hurts me so much. I know more than likely these things won’t happen, but that small part in me says “what if”. I know she’s in good hands and has a great future ahead of her. And no the thoughts don’t overwhelm me, I’m confident in who I am and where I come from, I think I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered. Not worrying about it is I guess worse than worrying about.
Thanks for your kind & inspiring words. I really appreciate it!!
Aerin!
No problem, Chica.
I’ll share a story here with you. My now 22 year old daughter got involved with a psychopath when she was 18. Even though she KNEW what they were like (she HATED exPOS with a murderous passion), and that her father was a P, it didn’t prevent this man from dating her. I didn’t like him from the get go. At first I was VERY cautious in how to approach it with her because I didn’t wish to alienate her. I felt my support of HER (not the relationshit and not of him) was MOST important…that I loved her, but I could NOT and would NOT participate in their relationshit. She lived with him for two years. They were painful and tumultuous, for she and for the rest of us who had to stand by and watch, but I believe because she KNEW about psychopaths, it dawned on her that this guy WAS indeed one and that she needed to come home. She did. Consequently, he love bombed her left and right. She went back. She came home, she went back..but each time she did come home was an opportunity for me to show her as much love and support as I could and also to plant the SEEDS necessary to let her know that her participation with him was NOT loving herself. Granted, I was NOT a great example of this because I was saying those things and still involved with POS, but she KNEW what I was dealing with and going through too…..she DID come home again, and each time she had gone back, was shorter and shorter intervals.
She has been out of the relationshit for a year now. She has a new boyfriend and we adore him. He is kind, good to her, participates in our family, shows enormous empathy (he was here watching Titanic the other night and spontaneously burst into tears at the end lol), and is kind to others too. I’m so so so grateful for that. About a week ago though, her expsycho saw her walking into a bank with her new BF. She pretended not to notice (although new bf wants to bash his face in, go figure), and just kept on with her business. He was waving, trying to catch her attention, but she didn’t acknowledge him or look his way.
Two days later, a love bombing message on her FB. LOL! She had blocked him and so he changed his profile to contact her. When she showed me the message he sent, we just sat here and laughed. He claims he is a changed man and cries about her every night. Was a POS!!!!
So, you see, it CAN happen, even when the child KNOWS these people are bad…..but I TRULY believe that had it not been for my patience, understanding and love and support for her, gently planting those seeds of self love for herself and that we loved her too, she may well have stayed A LOT longer……..
I never assume, as a mother of six about ANYTHING anymore with regards to the choices my children have made or will make. Because I loved them, inform them, does not mean they won’t have experiences that I wished they didn’t have. Ironically, the children that DID try the alcohol and marijuana, DID NOT wind up addicts. I had a daughter who struggled with a drug addiction for a very short while, the same daughter who was with a psycho…but it didn’t last long. Intervention is key, as well as love. But sometimes that doesn’t work. But what ya hope for, is that it does. And in my case, I’m damned lucky. I feel the pain of posters here who have lost children to psychopathy. It’s like a death of a child. I’ve been on the edge before with one of mine, not sure whether he was or was not. Turns out he was not.
If there is one thing I’ve learned, life offers no guarantees. About anything, except death and taxes lol! I think just trying to live everyday without a toxin to corrupt your life is good enough for me right now.
I think your daughter stands a great chance at life, even if her decisions aren’t the best at some point, simply because you love her so much and she’s young enough that she can get a GREAT start with you having all the knowledge that you do. Perhaps that is your greatest blessing!
artheart,
I sooo hear you.
“He doesn’t even look back at all of the damage he left behind. It is as if 13 years just disappeared.”
“He tells everyone that I am this person that I could never reconize as me.”
“He has turned it all on me.”
OMG…that was so me a year ago. I couldn’t understand how my ex could do something like this to me. And he just went on with his life without a care in the world. Life of the party as usual. Leaving me with our newborn daughter. Mind you I was the one that broke it off with him. Do you know what he did? He told his family & friends he broke up with me because I didn’t want his other daughter visiting my home. Can you believe it? God only knows what else he said about me. But have faith in that the truth always comes out. I didn’t even know he said all of these things until 7 months later. And yes…everyone now knows he was the lying one…NOT ME. And trust in karma too because currently my ex is in rehab and apparantly depressed (do these people actually get depressed because as far as I knew these people had no feelings?).
Believe me…I was out for justice. How dare he do something like this to me, and more importantly our daughter. But like I said the truth always comes out. He is currently living with a woman who I believe to be (I am not joking here) certifiably crazy. She drives his life crazy. I think his drug abuse sent him into the ground with nowhere to go but with crazy, stupid, ugly girlfriend. He really has nowhere to go, most of his family has written him off, and quite frankly are done with his childish games.
You have no idea the anguish I went thru. Having a baby is supposed to be the happiest time in your life. He made it the worst time in my life. My daughter is such a sweet blessing, but it was the circumstances surrounding her birth that made me so unhappy.
“Because I thought I had a special bond”
OMG again…my ex made me feel like we were so good together, so happy, meant to be. I really was so happy with him until I knew his drug use was getting worse. I knew I had to get out of dodge, but then shortly afterwards I found out I was pregnant!! Ughh…talk about terrible timing!!! Strangely enough I still look back fondly on all of our good times. How strange is that?!?! But I know I do not want him in my life, and quite frankly he does not deserve to be in my life.
I think his whole rehab stint is just a facade for people to feel sorry for him, help him because he lost everything! He really is a LOSER!!! He can get all the help in the world…he’s still going to be a sociopath causing pain & havoc everywhere he goes!
Have faith in God to help you thru all of this. God really became my best friend thru my trying time. I didn’t understand how my ex could do all of this to me & everyone in his life. I just found LF 2 months ago and believe me it answered all of my questions about him and this disorder! Knowledge is power!!
Best of Luck!!