Dorothy Hooks is a Christian woman who tries to live by the Bible. When she met Cedric Youngblood, she saw a man who never had a chance. His family life as a child had been abusive. He had been in and out of jail. Dorothy saw someone who just needed to get out of the ghetto and learn the meaning of love and family.
In Dorothy, Cedric saw a giving, caring woman who wants to do the right thing and help people.In other words, Cedric saw a target.
Last week, the Cedric Youngblood story was posted on Lovefraud.com. Dorothy courageously talks about her marriage to the man who she now realizes is a sociopath. But for more than three years, Dorothy focused on Cedric’s potential, hoping he would change his abusive behavior.
Again and again, Dorothy gave Cedric another chance. She kept forgiving his cheating and his violence. She knew he could change.
He didn’t.
“I didn’t realize that for a person to change, he has to want to change,” she says. “If that person doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to change.”
Victimizing nurturing women
In his book, Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare points out that psychopaths (the term he uses) are experts at identifying and victimizing nurturing women.
There are many people in the world who want to think the best of everyone.Time and time again, Lovefraud has heard from people who have been deceived and defrauded by sociopaths who say, “I never knew such evil existed.”
It does.
Sociopaths make up 1% of the population. That means in the United States, there are 3 million of these predators looking for victims. These people have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. By the time they are adults, their personalities are set. Any attempt to change them is futile.
Discerning those who want to change
Of course, there are millions of people who get into trouble in their lives and deserve a second chance. So it’s important to be able to differentiate those who can be rehabilitated from those who can’t.
The first step is to accept that sociopaths exist. The second step is to know the symptoms of the disorder.
Then we may be able to discern the people who really want to change from the sociopaths who only mouth the words so they can keep bleeding us.
Art,
Find a quiet place, Chica. Think about the marriage and the things that happened during it. WHAT,if anything (discount good times) happened during your marriage that he did that was horrendous. Write those things down. When you’re done, take a look at it. THAT is who he is/was.
Secondly,whenever you think about her, the new woman, think about this. It doesn’t matter whom she is, what she looks like, nothing. She’s buying into the same BS that he fed you spoonfuls of. YOU know the truth. As time moves on because of their MAJOR entitlements, lying, contradictions,lackof empathy, things catch up to them. It is NOT possible for the mask to stay on and often, it fell off while you were with him,or it would slip and you overlooked it. This is why it’s important to write down all the ROTTEN things he did to you. Everything you can think of. This is the ACCURATE portrait of whom he IS and what he WAS.
LL paying it forward!
(((((((((((( ONE! )))))))))))))))))))
ANd that’s what it’s all about!
lesson learned,
Awww…thanks so much again. It was my greatest worry when I was pregnant that her father was going to “tarnish” her upbringing. I had hope that once our daughter was born he was going to see the light and become a better person for her. Well…we know what happened there. He became even worse. There was no way in hell I was going to let his behavior hurt her in anyway. So yes…I know she’s off to a good start. Like you said kids make mistakes. I hope I teach her the wisdom to see between right & wrong, and to more importantly follow her gut instinct. That’s something I had to learn the hard way, hopefully it won’t be the same for her. I know it won’t!
That’s a great story about your daughter’s ex bf (psycho). That probably made both you and your daughter feel so good knowing that she has the power now and he can’t hurt her anymore!! Great story indeed!!!
Your right about for now just living life day to day without toxic people in it! That’s the best thing ever. To have peace of mind!!
Dorothy Hooks says, “I didn’t realize that for a person to change, he has to want to change,” she says. “If that person doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to change.”
Does that mean that if the spath wants to change, he will change?
Ex has been insisting he wants to change, even saying that that is all he thinks about. Of course, he asked me to help him many times, and finally he gets it that I am not going to help him.
Today he sent me an excerpt from a book (Angry Men and the Women Who Love them) to show that he is now beginning to understand some things. The book says that for men who are violent to their partners, they were abused in their childhood and have arrested development, so that their brains are affected and as adults can’t control their emotional responses. Ex pointed out that in the past he never understood such concepts but now he is going to look into it because it seems to make sense in his situation. I now wish I never mentioned that book to a counselor he spoke to – that counselor asked to see me for my perspective and since I know he tells people I only read secular books, I quoted this one because it is written by a pastor.
So I don’t get it – does all this mean that a spath doesn’t change because he doesn’t want to, but if he wants to, because he knows he will gain more, he will change?
I think that most do not realize how their childhood damaged them.My x socios both refused to look at their lives to see how it messed them up.
I don’t think they can deal with thier painful pasts…..
Anytime I tried to explain how childhood traumas effect people..he would say”I don’t know about that”..
DUH!
He NEVER wanted to talk about his childhood…
they disassociate…..
denial…its a defense mechanism
NOt, are you sure you’re not being manipulated heavily here? They’re so good with tactics. I would put LITTLE IF ANY attention to words, but to ACTIONS…….if he lies, if he is incapable of empathy,, these are the things that only you know from your history with him.
I think you’re being manipulated. If he has a personality disorder, it cannot be changed. Part of the disorder,ironically, is to try to get you sucked into believing that it can. NC sista
Deep rooted issues do NOt change overnight. He would need a professional therapist in order to even try to change.
Very difficult to reroute those neurons….
Yep, what tobe said and good point! Look how long it’s taking some of us and/or has taken some of us. That’s a super good point tobe that also goes to manipulation. A manipulator will make you want to THINK this can be done “overnight”with some sort of miraculous revelation…and really, what it amounts too, is just another lie….