By | August 29, 2010 95 Comments

Games our minds play

After the sociopath, when the fog starts to lift, many of us ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I see what was going on?” According to a new book, we should probably cut ourselves some slack.

Read Book Review: The Invisible Gorilla on

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I was SO focused on positivity, feelings of love, excitement, enthusiasm, wanting to share, wanting to build a life with this Demon that I didn’t notice the horns, the hooves and that darn pitchfork he used to leave lying around…..


Well I was focused on he is an “alcoholic” which one came first the sociopath or the addict ? or both I wonder… Oh I actually knew the risks and took them anyway! Until I found LF and was ridiculed by him why are you reading Lovefraud .. because now I know what you really are! Thanks all! Time does heal….


I was so certain that I was married to a pretty good guy – when I became aware of behaviors that were mystifying, I tried to explain what had transpired. When he kept repeating the same behaviors, not changing his act for the better, then I had to conclude that he wasn’t normal, leading me to diagnose him as a sociopath, the behaviors tagging him as one.


I am feeling deep self-forgiveness at this stage due to lf.
I didn’t think this grace would come. I finally realized that I can’t know everything in life re: why didn’t I know what was going on? Cutting myself some slack-totally agree thanks for posting and for recommending new book.

: )


ifinallygotthelesson – good for you.

i thought that my radar for dysfunctional people was all i needed to keep me safe. knew that i would never date anyone with a drug and alcohol problem – could spot them a mile off. wouldn’t date anyone who was stuck in the 1980’s in terms of sexual politics (separtist lesbian politics), wouldn’t be around anyone who wasn’t interested in an intellectual life.

i wanted someone who was funny, intellectual, bright and artistic. found two, but unfortunately i didn’t know about narcissism and psychopathy. i didn’t have a clue. i figured out the n after we broke up. and really only understood her the more i read about p/s/n. figured out that the ppath was a ‘ without conscience’ about a year ago. but it’s taken time to learn about ppathy and how i was hooked. i think the ring in side me is more concerning in a way, than the hook of the ppath is (in terms of the rest of my life). Even if my ppath didnt’ walk this earth there would be others like her, damaging and killing ‘us’. so we have to learn to protect ourselves from them.

Ox Drover

I read this book a while back and my copy is now loaned out to a great friend. I had heard about this experiment and when I stumbled across information about the book I immediately sent for it.

The first half of this book is absolutely mind “bending” (or “un-bending”) depending on how you look at it. I ihad SOME grasp that “eye witness accounts” were not really valid in identifying car wrecks and killers, but didn’t realize the EXTENT that it was IN VALID to the point of almost being worse than a 50/50 coin flip.

In cases where DNA releases a convicted person who was innocent,, in those cases with EYE WITNESS TESTIMONY identifying the person as guilty, in 38% of the cases there are TWO or more eye witnesses.

This book is an amazing book and you should definitely read it if you are having trouble forgiving yourself. Read it anyway, it is a great book and gives you a great deal of information not only about yourself, but about OTHERS as well, and possibly WHY our friends “don’t get it” about our experiences with the psychopath.


One step….I think one of the best protections is knowing our OWN vulnerabilities, absolutely. And we may not like what we see, when we see our weaknesses so clearly. But it gives us GREAT STRENGTH. If you know both your physical and psychological weak spots, you can protect yourself ever so much better!

Some of my weak spots: tendency to seek validation. Not wanting to displease. Wanting a man to admire and desire me at a physical level (ugh….hate even writing that one! ). Wanting to rescue. Thinking I MUST rescue. Thinking only I CAN rescue. Not watching out for my own interests enough. Trusting too soon. Assuming others are like me. Revealing too much information. Find it hard to tell someone off that needs to be told off. Too ready to apologize when something is NOT my fault. Guilt prone. Wanting to escape. Fall in love and think that feelings means deep commitment on both our parts. Fall in love easily.

But if we know our vulnerabilities we can keep from caving in to them.


i focused on the fake boy’s situation. him under predation. ill, with a fatal prognosis. emotionally unraveling. suicidal, active and passive attempts. dangerous surgeries. i was paying attention to being there for ‘him’. every. effing. day. I was trauma bonded.

i paid attention to the non stop creative/ intellectual
fun of interacting with him. i laughed and laughed. PEOPLE AS SICK AS HE WAS SLOWLY BEING REVEALED TO BE, DON’T LAUGH THAT MUCH *UNLESS* they are have done a shitload of meditation or some other spiritual practice. thing is, I KNOW people like that…they are buddhist lamas…so i thought i had hit the frickin jackpot…found this lovely kinky smart funny NOBLE creature. And to tell you the truth, the fake boy could challenge me on levels TO MY BETTER that no one ever has. i paid attention to THAT. Not sure how the ppath did this, but she did. don’t know if it was just a mimic…but i trusted the fake boy, and listened to his counsel…for most of the time.

I paid attention to ‘orchestrating’ solutions and giving ideas to help; he had SO many challenges. i thought i had some influence, i thought i had some good ideas…i am sure i did…i am sure she is ‘using them’ in the next scams. i dug deep deep to give him everything i had to literally ‘save his life’. i remember the first time i suggested something and he took to it like a fish to water…well, it turned out that the REAL boy whose pictures she’d swiped DID do that thing and she had stolen pictures of him doing it to share with me! well, such glee… must have felt like xmas to the ppath.

i was paying attention to all his traveling for health – country to country and area to area; i was paying attention to the bf who developed to be possessive, controlling and abusive and trying to manage THAT relationship as well….and in the midst of all this – which many people wouldl say WTF, THESE weren’t red flags?- in the midst of all this i started to ‘manage’ the red flags. came to the point of ‘i’m done’ on a deeper and deeper level. i would not have stood for much more shit from the bf. but man, i had something for that boy.

and all of this happening while i endured chemical exposure after chemical exposure, which harmed my cognitive ability, made me physically ill, and emotionally unstable.

lots of balls, changing screens and gorillas. only at the very end did i start to see that there was a videographer, and perhaps a sound guy. now i know there was only the videographer, with stubby nubs coming out of her head.


neveragain – for someone who never wanted to ‘trauma bond’ ever again, i sure got sucked in.

to make this post easier to understand for anyone who doesn’t know the details of my story: the ‘fake boy’ was a character the ppath created. the bf was also. so were the other 19 ‘sockpuppets’. when i write ‘he’ with italics or without, i mean the fake boy. ‘She’ is the ppath.

i was going to help save ‘his’ life and mind and ‘he’ was going to be the creature so shiny in my life that i would benefit from his very presence. i was going to sacrifice need for a mutual relationship to live in a fantasy land of most of the things i have loved and wanted in my life…things dragged forward from childhood, be wild and free in the proximity of ‘his’ wildness and freedom, be an artist, the pragmatist, be queer, be kinky, live in the woods. but ‘he’ was the centre of the universe; that was to be understood. ‘everyone’ loved him; everyone being the pantheon of sockpuppets and the other women she conned.

i don’t know if any of the others thought they would go off and life with the fake boy or not. for a while i was open to the idea, but knew that until i met him in person i would not even talk about it.

it’s good to write this – sorry if it is confusing – the nature of the story unfortunately. but writing it i see the ‘wonder’ i was caught up in, and it doesn’t feel scary to write it out. and that is a very good thing. i am making progress.

Ox Drover


I think your list and my list are 100% in agreement. It was also difficult for me to admit my own short comings and my own neediness. My own hinging MY happiness with others.

Now I realize that I, and ONLY I, am responsible for my happiness. I cannot depend on anyone else for my happiness. I must be WHOLE within myself…then, and only then, can I share that happiness with a partner.

Sure, if you love someone you should be sad if they pass away, or mad if they betray you, but you should not be miserable forever. UNhappy forever. Because even if they are FAKE, YOU are still REAL…and you can still be happy. But if you depend on others presence in your life to be “happy” what happens if they are gone. My husband didn’t intend to hurt me by dyiing, didn’t intend to leave me devastated and alone…he didn’t hurt me deliberately, but because I depended too much on him for my happiness, I was thrown into despair.

In my despair, my desire to “be happy” the psychopath X BF was able to latch onto me and I willingly went because he held out the “picture of happiness” to me—with him I could be happy again, whereas I felt if I was alone, all I could be was UNhappy.

NO MORE–now my happiness depends on me.! ONLY me!


I haven’t read the book-it sounds good. Many of us didn’t see the gorilla in our midst because we were focussed on the shiny gold things like love and attention. Now that we do know about the gorilla, get them off our backs and out of our minds for good. Don’t let the gorilla in the front door, or talk to them on the phone. They will take your banana and trample it under foot. And have you ever tried talking sense to a gorilla? It just ain’t going to happen how you want it to. They get mad at what they can’t understand.



That is SO my experience – when you try to talk sense to them, forget it, they DO get mad, the h-spath repeatedly telling me, “you need to stop, you need to stop, etc.” getting upset, agitated. I don’t get the answers that I seek or get to convey the message that he needs to hear – he wants the discussion to be OVER right then. Your post has me thinking – “they get mad at what they can’t understand.” hmm.

Bluejay. My 2 spath daughters used to do this to me all the time,ie,these are the sort of things theyd say.
“YOUR the crazy one, you should be committed” or
“How can you expect us to even TRY to have a normal Mother daughter relationship with you,, when you are
1} being so unreasonable
2} keep bringing up the past
3} Are a total Drama Queen
4 act so childish ly and selfishly
5]Are an unfit Mother,and embarrassment to us.
Theyd keep on blowing smoke screens, and turning everything back to being MY fault.
Theyd never ever acknowledge any of the mean and hurtful and underhand and betraying things theyd done to me,much less apologise for them!
Ive now totally given up trying to have any sort of relationshit with either of them, in their eyes they are perfect, flawless, without blame, and Im the bad evil Mother in their eyes, despite me being as good a Mum as I could be, always.
Until I found LF, I was even starting to believe all their lies!! Thank God the FOG has lifted!! Love, mama Gem.


This book is FASCINATING so far and all I’ve read are the excerpts! I so agree with the phrase, “inattentialal blindness”. Not seeing the unexpected. And I did exactly that. I didn’t see the unexpected behaviors, intentions, SO much of what the ex said and did. And it was all around me to the point where the unexpected was the norm. Something in me CHOSE to not see it and focus instead on those shiny gold things that teacher is talking about. They tarnished pretty quickly. I am going to see if I can find this book at the library and read it cover to cover.

bluejay, YES, they get mad. Yesterday, my ex showed up here to take my son swimming. BEFORE all of this happened, I had received a call from a mutual friend who told me the ex wanted to take his son swimming. Fine…as long as there’s supervision. My ex shows up at my door yesterday, wanting to swim at MY pool and had a movie he wanted to watch with my son HERE, at my house. He was furious when I said NO. HUH? Hello! I have a r.o. and I have it for a reason. He then tries to turn it around and tells me it’s MY fault he can’t spend time with his son. I had to spend some time talking with my son and explain how this REALLY works. The BEST part of all of this? Two police cars came into the complex I live in for a completely different matter and the ex thought it was because of him. I’ve never seen anyone move that fast! I was going to call them anyways. And all of the above took place within about a 5 min. time span. It’s a huge reminder to me that he can still stir the pot and make a mess of lives and he does it fast. The gorilla didn’t understand that never again, would I offer him a banana in any way, shape or form.
As teacher123 so aptly puts it, there is no talking sense into a gorilla.

OX, this whole incident just gave me more motivation to move from here and go to a place where I simply cannot be found.

neveragain, that list sounds eerily familiar. It takes a lot of self-honesty to do what you are doing. You actually brought up a couple of vulnerable areas I hadn’t realized.

I have found that when I look at what has happened in my life, it’s not about the other person. It’s about those gorillas I chose not to see and so I look within rather than at him or anyone else.


one-step, I so enjoy what you write here. It makes much sense to me!


I would have had a better time WITH the goddamn gorilla than him


They do have a reaction to the law. They don’t like thinking the law is breathing on them.
I believe, this is what has mostly kept the spath away.
He knows i’ll report and follow through!

The local cops are completely aware of his behaviors and keep an eye out for him when he ‘pops’ into town.

If I didn’t attain the TPO’s and stalking po’s, I believe he would be showing up at all hours, days, places we were…..
He did that in the past, when I was 18…..he’d crawl through my second story window in the middle of the night…..or show up at my work etc…..(yes, i still married him) 🙁

Since they are set out to ‘win’……if we are serious about keeping them out of our lives…..WE MUST FOLLOW THROUGH!
To whatever extent the law requires.

It’s good to know he had that reaction…..and it’s good you didn’t ‘bend’ the TPO for his convenience!

Keep up the brick wall…….

Ox Drover

Dear Cat,

Yea we THINK we see more than we do and we see what we WANT to see or EXPECT to see. Then we INTERPRET what we actually saw (not even knowing we saw so little of what really happened).

The book gives us some perspective on a lot of things. About what we remember, and what we forget, or what we never saw.

There is another book, a bit more technical called “The other Brain” which is about research on the physical brain its self. I understoode most of it as I’ve had organic chemistry and physilogical chem and quant and qual chem, so it might be a little more difficult for others without as much chem as I’ve had to “get it” about the studies done chemically and physically on the brain, but there are some REVOLUTIONARY studies being done that seem to show that we don’t really knows JACK about what we thought we knew about the brain. That book poses more questioons than it answsers, but was extremely interesting to me, and especially in lite of the “invisible gorilla” book. I read them one after the other. The two together is like WOW! One addiing to the other.

In the “other Brain” they are finding for one thing that the parts of the brain that they thought were just more or less “insulation” are in fact, the COMPUTER of the brain and IN CONTROL of everything…and they can help the brain heal itself, they keep timing right for message transfers, make new routes for parts of the brain that are exercised more, and in short coordinate the interior workings.

Makes me want to be here in another 100 years to see what is going on with all this research then! But who knows, by then humans may be back to living in caves again.


You are indeed correct! My ex HATES the law and anything to do with it. Honestly, it was almost laughable that he reacted the way he did. And NO, I will not drop the order, I will keep following THROUGH on the order and I don’t care what he does as long as it’s not around me or my son. He’s a career criminal all the way and he will always be.

Ox, I will try to find that other book as I took some of those courses as well. It really is a journey through one’s mind in so many ways, isn’t it? I am more and more fascinated daily with the way people operate and never see the truth. My mother is one who constantly misses the gorillas in life. And she WILLINGLY admits she does it on purpose. She doesn’t WANT to see the REAL truth. Now, there’s a case to study, don’t you think?
I think I lived in a cave when I was so in denial about the ex. It was dark, cold and lonely.


They commit crimes thinking no one will care or they ‘cant’
get caught…..they are above….
Some of them ‘do’ fear the law…..or the repercussions from which…..
This is ONE benefit of a TPO!
It doesn’t keep them away,….like a golden fence…..BUT….it gives consequences if they do violate it and WE are in control of calling the police.
They push that ‘limit’; in us…..nah…she’s not strong enough to call….she won’t follow through….she hasn’t in all these years….so she won’t now…..

TRO’s extended…..can work….IF we follow through.
If we don’t ever apply……there will never be any consequences!


Dear One Step:

I understand what you’re saying. I am reading “Without Conscience” by, Dr. Robert Hare and I tell you what it is helping me so much! Dr. Hare talks about how he got duped by a Psychopath, very interesting.

Ox Drover

I confess, I got on amazon and was “BAAAAAAD” today, I ordered 5 new books (head hanging here in mock sorrow)

BtW I don’t understand some of the pricing on amazon for used books, and on B&N as well. A friend asked me to order some for her (5 copies) I had ordered her 2 copies a while back, and the cheapest I found a copy was $20+ and on up to 100+ bucks, yet B&N can get them for you for $13.96 (which is what my friend had said they could get them for her.

Also saw 1 or 2 OLDER copies of Dr. Leedom’s ORIGINAL BOOK “Women who love psychopaths” on sale on Amazon used. Keep your eyes out if you are still wanting this book. The one out by Sandra Brown which is listed as “second edition” is NOT a second printing, but has been changed so GET THE ORIGINAL.

Cat, I just keep on reading and reading, and though I am hampered by the STM problems it seems I don’t have them quite as bad in reading as I do in other areas, like where I listen to something, or do smething it is almost instantly forgotten or gone, but reading stuff I am getting more meaning out of things it seems to me. But heck, not sure where perception begins and denial ends! LOL ROTFLAMO


Yes, sociopaths test our limits constantly, being perfectly content with breaking the law, making life stressful for the ones’ who are law-abiding, not seeking trouble in any way, shape, or form.


cat and ifinallygotthelesson – glad to here i make sense.
it was a hard day; nice to find nice notes. 🙂


interesting site. we are ALWAYS using ‘towanda’ here, so i had to take a look.


anyone read this one?
‘The Psychopathy of Everyday Life: How Antisocial Personality Disorder Affects All of Us’

Ox Drover

Cat, I just read back over the X wanting to come to YOUR house to “vacation” with his kid. LOLROTFLMAO What balls, what cojones, what gall, what NERVE!!!! I can’t even believe it! Yea, I believe it, but what I mean is I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!! BAWHAHAHAHAHA CHOKE SNORT! 🙂

Even Fat and Hairy don’t have that much egocentricity!



That was pretty funny (agreeing with Oxy) – the ex arranging (in his head) to spend quality time with his son, doing this at YOUR HOME, having access to YOUR POOL (without discussing this plan ahead of time with you, just expecting you to agree to go along with his genius plan). What a swell guy, not grasping the nuttiness of it all.



I have no doubt that you were a wonderful mother to your girls (while they were growing up) and would make a terrific grandmother to your grandkids (if you could have a relationship with them). You sound like you enjoyed being a mother, being a good one. Unfortunately, your daughters inherited a troublesome disorder, sociopathy, spoiling the mother role for you. That is hard on you because you’ve missed out on things that had your daughters been normal, could have brought so much pleasure your way, fun times with your daughters and grandchildren. It’s weird how life plays out for people. It’s hard to accept the way it actually is, being unfair. You didn’t bargain for your own children to be how they are – cold, selfish, unfeeling women.

Ox Drover

Dear Gem,

What Bluejay says is ture, it sure “ain’t what we had planned.” I can’t remember who said “life is what is happening when you had made other plans” but it sure is true. But you and I both have been blessed by God with more kids, just like He blessed Job with twice the wealth he had before…so chin up chickie!

Life ain’t fair, but enjoy your “adopted” kids and probably there will soon be some GKs to go along with too. You are a very fortunate woman, you know, you have your Dave after being married to the jerk and your handsome new adopted kids, and peace finally at last. ((((Hugs)))))


So why do I have a box full of old batteries? Maybe they will get better? Maybe they will recharge on their own? Maybe they will change fron duds to new? Kinda like keeping the old bf around and hoping he would change, recharge and grow wings I guess..gnite crew…

Ox Drover

HOW ABOUT THAT BAG FULL OF OLD KEYS I STILL KEEP? ROTFLMAO Maybe I will get a brain and recall what they went to???? BAWHahahahahahaha! Yea right, about the same time your battery collection starts glowing in the [email protected] Henry, you crack me up!!!!


clever writing and expression of interaction with the sociopaths..
Yep so focused on the trauma or the good that you can’t see what’s real…


Not only was I going to fix every problem, I foolishly fell for his “mask” of innocence inspite of the obvious, not only how many “innocent” gay male flight attendants are there, but I did not even think to ask about his HIV status, even though the savy quickly peg him for being HIV+ by his apperance.

Now, I am actually embarrassed by the way I was played by him…

bluejay and Oxy, Thanks guys. Im getting there, slowly!
Our new ‘kids’ came over on Sunday last for a nice home cooked meal. We had a lot of fun. Theyd brought a Fathers day card for David with
“To the best Dady[sic!} in the whole world, from your children, Roya and AbbasXXXX.”With a primula in a pot,& nice cookies. Very sweet and thoughtful of them, in 26 years mine would NEVER have thought to do this!
So, yes, we are very blessed.
Mama gem.XXX

kim frederick

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb has to want to change itself.

how many times have you tried to enlighten a spath to no avail? They don’t even know they’re in the dark and are just fine with it. I won’t waste my time trying to change that light bulb, gonna go find this little light of mine.


How many psychopaths does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they use gas lighting (groan)

kim frederick

Snort, chuckle, snort. Funny stuff.

How many Narcissists? Only one. They hold the light bulb, and the whole world revolves around them.


By blaming us and keeping our total focus on ourselves and how we can improve the situation, psychopaths are able to slip all their sick behaviours past us without us paying too much attention to what’s going on. After all we as targets are the problem – not the psychopath.


Well to those that know my delima with Boo..I dont have money and I couldnt give her sex so I have not heard from her in over a week..I have been warned by the same friend that warned me about the x bf to stay away from her. Creeper’s I thought she was a friend..but as I look back at our friendship it has always been about her drama..I dont need it, bye bye Boo…and I dont need any frickin help changing a lite bulb either I can do it fine by myself.

kim frederick

Hens, here’s to those of us who can change our own light bulbs. Hear, hear.

I’m sorry your friend disapointed you. That sucks.

Ox Drover

Dear Henry,

You still have your LF FAN CLUB!!! And we love ya, Bro! Sounds like you didn’t lose anymore from her than another leech who is looking for a free place to crash! (((Hugs))))

kim frederick

Oxy, You have been notably silent today, where have you been? Are you okay? You are usually much more talkative than this, is your computer okay? Are Fat and Hairy giving you grief? Did you fix the fence? What’s going on?


Maybe she fell off the porch?

kim frederick

Oh god no. I hate it when I fall off the portch. Oxy. Did you fall off the portch?


well she was sayin the other day she could pee off her porch if she wanted to, maybe that water moccasin skeered her and she lost her balance…OX you ok?

kim frederick

🙂 Ox, come out come out where ever you are!

Ox Drover

Here I IS guys, don’t panic. LOL Just been hot here today and had things to do and then wanted to watch America’s got Talent. So been doing that.

Son D and I went for a long walk down to the middle pond between sundown and dark and looked at the threes along the way that the cattle use for shade after a dunkin’ to get wet! It was a wonderful slow walk just looking at a couple of trees that had died inside the grove, and a vine we had never noticed before. Checking the condition of the various pasture grasses, and noticing what the cows had eaten and what they had left and “didn’t like.” Thinking about how many weeds there used to be in the pasture and now there are so few (thanks to all my hard work!). Found an armadillo hole on the runway—never had those critters here when I was a kid. Noticed it so we can “get’em” and fill up the hole so no one breaks a leg in it.

It is cooling off some here and it’s wonderful to get outside and just “commune” with the universe.

Son D almost has my new mobile moveable duck pen finished. He’s using it to practice his welding so he’s doing two things at once. The pen I designed was too heavy. This is the new and improved design.

Anyway, what ya need me here for you guys are pretty darned good at giving advice AND in screwing in light bulbs! ((((Hugs))))


Ok Oxy I can go to bed now..who are you rooting for on AGT? I think that cute little 10 year old opera singer is awesome. And I like Prince Poppy Cock too…

Ox Drover

Ok, Prince Poppy Cock, is my number 1 or 2
The little 10 yr old girl ties with hiim
The boy piano player ties with them both
The antigravity group of guys tied with the above three and the first magician I like, the blond magician blew it last night, his train disappearance was a good trick but his lead up made it so HO HUM I didn’t like it. at all
That getto group of dancers might get through, not sure.
The little blonde waif singer is cute but her voice isn’t anything nto write home about.’
The black lady that sings in the subway is AWESOME
the two on the trapeeze are okay for a circus act and they will get a job some where doing that, they are good, but not STARS ,

I’m really rooting for the little girl but Poppy Cock is right up there with her, so we will just have to see what happens in the finals.

The boy on the bike is good, but I am now WOWed by that kind of thing.

Got a good night’s sleep last night, I’m working hard on getting better sleep and more and better exercise. To feel better. Been feelinhg like pounded dog do fortoo long.

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