After the sociopath, when the fog starts to lift, many of us ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I see what was going on?” According to a new book, we should probably cut ourselves some slack.
Read Book Review: The Invisible Gorilla on Scienceblogs.com.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
bulletproof
I was SO focused on positivity, feelings of love, excitement, enthusiasm, wanting to share, wanting to build a life with this Demon that I didn’t notice the horns, the hooves and that darn pitchfork he used to leave lying around…..
Spirit40
Well I was focused on he is an “alcoholic” which one came first the sociopath or the addict ? or both I wonder… Oh I actually knew the risks and took them anyway! Until I found LF and was ridiculed by him why are you reading Lovefraud .. because now I know what you really are! Thanks all! Time does heal….
bluejay
I was so certain that I was married to a pretty good guy – when I became aware of behaviors that were mystifying, I tried to explain what had transpired. When he kept repeating the same behaviors, not changing his act for the better, then I had to conclude that he wasn’t normal, leading me to diagnose him as a sociopath, the behaviors tagging him as one.
ifinallygotthelesson
I am feeling deep self-forgiveness at this stage due to lf.
I didn’t think this grace would come. I finally realized that I can’t know everything in life re: why didn’t I know what was going on? Cutting myself some slack-totally agree thanks for posting and for recommending new book.
: )
one/joy_step_at_a_time
ifinallygotthelesson – good for you.
i thought that my radar for dysfunctional people was all i needed to keep me safe. knew that i would never date anyone with a drug and alcohol problem – could spot them a mile off. wouldn’t date anyone who was stuck in the 1980’s in terms of sexual politics (separtist lesbian politics), wouldn’t be around anyone who wasn’t interested in an intellectual life.
i wanted someone who was funny, intellectual, bright and artistic. found two, but unfortunately i didn’t know about narcissism and psychopathy. i didn’t have a clue. i figured out the n after we broke up. and really only understood her the more i read about p/s/n. figured out that the ppath was a ‘ without conscience’ about a year ago. but it’s taken time to learn about ppathy and how i was hooked. i think the ring in side me is more concerning in a way, than the hook of the ppath is (in terms of the rest of my life). Even if my ppath didnt’ walk this earth there would be others like her, damaging and killing ‘us’. so we have to learn to protect ourselves from them.
Ox Drover
I read this book a while back and my copy is now loaned out to a great friend. I had heard about this experiment and when I stumbled across information about the book I immediately sent for it.
The first half of this book is absolutely mind “bending” (or “un-bending”) depending on how you look at it. I ihad SOME grasp that “eye witness accounts” were not really valid in identifying car wrecks and killers, but didn’t realize the EXTENT that it was IN VALID to the point of almost being worse than a 50/50 coin flip.
In cases where DNA releases a convicted person who was innocent,, in those cases with EYE WITNESS TESTIMONY identifying the person as guilty, in 38% of the cases there are TWO or more eye witnesses.
This book is an amazing book and you should definitely read it if you are having trouble forgiving yourself. Read it anyway, it is a great book and gives you a great deal of information not only about yourself, but about OTHERS as well, and possibly WHY our friends “don’t get it” about our experiences with the psychopath.
neveragain
One step….I think one of the best protections is knowing our OWN vulnerabilities, absolutely. And we may not like what we see, when we see our weaknesses so clearly. But it gives us GREAT STRENGTH. If you know both your physical and psychological weak spots, you can protect yourself ever so much better!
Some of my weak spots: tendency to seek validation. Not wanting to displease. Wanting a man to admire and desire me at a physical level (ugh….hate even writing that one! ). Wanting to rescue. Thinking I MUST rescue. Thinking only I CAN rescue. Not watching out for my own interests enough. Trusting too soon. Assuming others are like me. Revealing too much information. Find it hard to tell someone off that needs to be told off. Too ready to apologize when something is NOT my fault. Guilt prone. Wanting to escape. Fall in love and think that feelings means deep commitment on both our parts. Fall in love easily.
But if we know our vulnerabilities we can keep from caving in to them.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i focused on the fake boy’s situation. him under predation. ill, with a fatal prognosis. emotionally unraveling. suicidal, active and passive attempts. dangerous surgeries. i was paying attention to being there for ‘him’. every. effing. day. I was trauma bonded.
i paid attention to the non stop creative/ intellectual
fun of interacting with him. i laughed and laughed. PEOPLE AS SICK AS HE WAS SLOWLY BEING REVEALED TO BE, DON’T LAUGH THAT MUCH *UNLESS* they are have done a shitload of meditation or some other spiritual practice. thing is, I KNOW people like that…they are buddhist lamas…so i thought i had hit the frickin jackpot…found this lovely kinky smart funny NOBLE creature. And to tell you the truth, the fake boy could challenge me on levels TO MY BETTER that no one ever has. i paid attention to THAT. Not sure how the ppath did this, but she did. don’t know if it was just a mimic…but i trusted the fake boy, and listened to his counsel…for most of the time.
I paid attention to ‘orchestrating’ solutions and giving ideas to help; he had SO many challenges. i thought i had some influence, i thought i had some good ideas…i am sure i did…i am sure she is ‘using them’ in the next scams. i dug deep deep to give him everything i had to literally ‘save his life’. i remember the first time i suggested something and he took to it like a fish to water…well, it turned out that the REAL boy whose pictures she’d swiped DID do that thing and she had stolen pictures of him doing it to share with me! well, such glee… must have felt like xmas to the ppath.
i was paying attention to all his traveling for health – country to country and area to area; i was paying attention to the bf who developed to be possessive, controlling and abusive and trying to manage THAT relationship as well….and in the midst of all this – which many people wouldl say WTF, THESE weren’t red flags?- in the midst of all this i started to ‘manage’ the red flags. came to the point of ‘i’m done’ on a deeper and deeper level. i would not have stood for much more shit from the bf. but man, i had something for that boy.
and all of this happening while i endured chemical exposure after chemical exposure, which harmed my cognitive ability, made me physically ill, and emotionally unstable.
lots of balls, changing screens and gorillas. only at the very end did i start to see that there was a videographer, and perhaps a sound guy. now i know there was only the videographer, with stubby nubs coming out of her head.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
neveragain – for someone who never wanted to ‘trauma bond’ ever again, i sure got sucked in.
to make this post easier to understand for anyone who doesn’t know the details of my story: the ‘fake boy’ was a character the ppath created. the bf was also. so were the other 19 ‘sockpuppets’. when i write ‘he’ with italics or without, i mean the fake boy. ‘She’ is the ppath.
i was going to help save ‘his’ life and mind and ‘he’ was going to be the creature so shiny in my life that i would benefit from his very presence. i was going to sacrifice need for a mutual relationship to live in a fantasy land of most of the things i have loved and wanted in my life…things dragged forward from childhood, be wild and free in the proximity of ‘his’ wildness and freedom, be an artist, the pragmatist, be queer, be kinky, live in the woods. but ‘he’ was the centre of the universe; that was to be understood. ‘everyone’ loved him; everyone being the pantheon of sockpuppets and the other women she conned.
i don’t know if any of the others thought they would go off and life with the fake boy or not. for a while i was open to the idea, but knew that until i met him in person i would not even talk about it.
it’s good to write this – sorry if it is confusing – the nature of the story unfortunately. but writing it i see the ‘wonder’ i was caught up in, and it doesn’t feel scary to write it out. and that is a very good thing. i am making progress.
Ox Drover
Neveragain,l
I think your list and my list are 100% in agreement. It was also difficult for me to admit my own short comings and my own neediness. My own hinging MY happiness with others.
Now I realize that I, and ONLY I, am responsible for my happiness. I cannot depend on anyone else for my happiness. I must be WHOLE within myself…then, and only then, can I share that happiness with a partner.
Sure, if you love someone you should be sad if they pass away, or mad if they betray you, but you should not be miserable forever. UNhappy forever. Because even if they are FAKE, YOU are still REAL…and you can still be happy. But if you depend on others presence in your life to be “happy” what happens if they are gone. My husband didn’t intend to hurt me by dyiing, didn’t intend to leave me devastated and alone…he didn’t hurt me deliberately, but because I depended too much on him for my happiness, I was thrown into despair.
In my despair, my desire to “be happy” the psychopath X BF was able to latch onto me and I willingly went because he held out the “picture of happiness” to me—with him I could be happy again, whereas I felt if I was alone, all I could be was UNhappy.
NO MORE–now my happiness depends on me.! ONLY me!