UPDATED FOR 2023. Before my marriage, I was absolutely clueless about the games psychopaths play. I know about them now, but I am still shocked by their audacity. Here’s what I witnessed, up close and personal:
At 11 p.m. on a Saturday night, wearing new lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, I awaited the arrival of my fiancé, James Montgomery.
He’d been out of the country on a secret military mission (so he told me). But he could escape his duties for a short time, so he was driving more than 1,000 miles, from MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, Florida, to my home in New Jersey, to meet me for a passionate rendezvous.
He arrived in a vehicle I’d never seen before — a black Grand Prix. “Whose car is this?” I asked.
“It belongs to one of my mates from MacDill,” Montgomery told me. “He needed the car brought up north, and I needed to get home. It worked out well.”
I believed his explanation — at that point I had no reason to doubt him — and we had our rendezvous. which, at the time, was thrilling.
Read more: 8 ways your body warns you about sociopaths
Years later, I learned that the car belonged to a woman Montgomery started dating five years before I met him. He continued to date the woman — I call her Kim in my book, Love Fraud — while married to the wife before me (who died suddenly) and then to me.
He was not out of the country. Kim, who lived in Florida, was staying at his townhouse in New Jersey for two weeks.
Two years later, I left Montgomery, and 10 days after that, he married Kim. The very next day, yet another woman — whom I call Sylvia in my book — flew from Pennsylvania to Florida to visit Montgomery.
He drove Sylvia around in Kim’s car. Sylvia, however, was on to him. She searched the glove compartment, and found out that the car belonged to Kim, not Montgomery.
Why did James Montgomery do this? Why did he risk one woman finding out about the other woman? Most likely, for the thrill of it.
Duping Delight
I’ve heard this story time and time again. One woman told me that the psychopath she knew routinely arranged for several of the women he dated to be in the same place, explaining to each of them that the other woman was a “business associate” or “friend.”
A man told me that the woman he dated arranged to attend a trade association event where he was receiving an award and brought another man.
Psychopaths love getting over on people, especially their partners — it’s called “duping delight.” And they have a thirst for excitement. So to feed both their needs, they often try to see how close they can bring their various partners together, without the partners catching on.
Soulless psychopaths
Why is it important to know that psychopaths do this? Because it shows how they truly view romantic relationships: as a game.
Psychopaths do not pursue romantic relationships for love, but for exploitation. And perhaps the cruelest form of exploitation is playing with other people’s hearts — just to entertain themselves.
Psychopaths truly are soulless, and the games psychopaths play are proof of it.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on October 12, 2015.
Why are you distraught about the lying, cheating sociopath’s silent treatment?
This is so sad and sick!
I am going through this twisted BS right now. He has brought his new girlfriend into my environment. Befriending our friends. Joining in on social celebrations. He has turned many people against me. And the way I was acting while being mentally and emotionally abused by him led people to conclude that I am emotionally unstable.
He gloats. He flaunts this new popularity within my previous social circle. He brings his girlfriend around me on purpose, to make me watch. What a hideous creep.
He enjoys torturing me like this.
I kept going back and forth for a year trying to deal with the confusion and the destruction he has left behind when I got brain screwed and replaced.
My soul is bleeding.
I am hurting so much.
He enjoys humiliating me and isolating me. We are in a very secluded environment where I cannot help but run into him regularly. He gets so much enjoyment because of the power he holds over me. It’s disturbing. I hate him so much and wish I could out him. Warn her. But all I can do is smile through the pain and pretend it does not bother me. I hate him. I truly hope he gets his karma.
breathing,
Yuck.I am so sorry that you are feeling the effects of this treatment.
It’s disturbing on so many levels and we are here for you.
From what you have described he will eventually create his own karma.
You keep smiling and wear sunglasses.
Try not to make eye contact.
SITC
breathing,
The youtube video by Beverly Banov called How to Love Yourself More Than You HAte Your Ex may be helpful to you right now.
SITC
Try a smug smile next time, like you know something. It’ll knock him for a loop.
Exhibit A – Donald Trump taking 1st wife, Ivana and kids skiing while having mistress Marla Maples parked in a different room at the same resort. And then Ivana encountered Marla on the slopes and all hell broke loose. ‘Nuff said.
Matt! Good to see you!
About Trump – similar escapades were going on in Atlantic City.
Very sad and believable story for those of us who know firsthand how these pathetic slimy creatures work to entertain themselves at their victims’ expense.
I firmly, 100% believe that these individual never progressed emotionally and are stuck at age 2-3 years old. At that age, children are completely egocentric, constantly pushing the envelope with parents to get what they want, have no impulse control, where a socio has no compassion or empathy, some toddlers have developed in that area to a very small degree, but rapidly cast it off when distracted by something they want. They like to be entertained, are gleeful when they get their own way, are extremely forgetful and irresponsible and often throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. They have little or no ability to remember promises they’ve made. They sulk.
I could go on and on with the similarities, as my experience was comprised of making excuse after excuse for childish behaviors that were either bizarre, senseless, hurtful or very often, charming and engaging. This is a huge source of embarrassment and humiliation for me. As I told myself that he behaved like a jerk once again because he had so many personal and business issues, each and every time, it was a case of childish behavior: telling me crazy stories that had no relevance to anything, asking me to run off with him, then never following up, telling me I’d love the weather across the country, I should move there. Tip of the iceberg. These are all examples of irresponsible, immature behavior with total lack of impulse control, responsibility or maturity. We see these creatures as adults but they are not in any sense of the word emotionally developed beyond a somewhat stunted toddler.
I don’t know why we get upset about the cheating. It means nothing. The relationship meant nothing with us, and it means nothing with them. It’s a short flavour hit with no depth. There is no point agonising over so called love and attachment they feel for others because they simply can’t.
The furtherest I got with my ex was a companionship and respectful friendship but I know he saw no point in joy.
Those of us who are ‘fixers’ and pity someone with a problem. or who were taught early on to correct ourselves if we were abused, need to be very careful of buying into it.
I think in healing you need to be very gentle with yourself and not get too angry. Why? Our investment was never matched on their part, they can’t get to that point. It is horrible to have wasted time but I try to celebrate the good and look forward. After all, we only have now and stewing makes it seem like reliving and going backward.
We can’t get it back and it doesn’t matter now. We are educated, and need to change to protect ourselves, but not change our spirit.
I firmly believe the abuse and their behaviour is totally meaningless. All WE need to say is “I didn’t deserve it” and “it’s not my fault”. Don’t look back and even try to understand, it’s incomprehensible.
Much love.
Stillreeling,
Everything you just said. Yes yes yes!
All of it! Agreeeeeeee.
Thank you.
Sure, Remembertoforget . And thank you.
Narcissism, deceit and manipulation are also hallmarks of young children and, of course, sociopaths.
Not saying that being emotionally stunted is the only issue a sociopath has. But it is certainly prevalent and I believe interpreted as everything from stress to boyish charm to vulnerability and innocence. I recall this high level manager socio in my life looking at me one day and when I brought up something bizarre he had done (very childish in fact), he looked at me and said, “I DID NAWT!!!!!” I almost laughed in his face…he reminded me of a big kid at that moment…and I was, per usual, taken aback. He slammed his fist on the table and said, “We’ll not be talking about this any longer. We will change the subject immediately!”
Unfortunately, he and many other socios are bright and charming, often uber-bright, not unlike a savant. Explains why so many are gainfully employed, some in high level positions. They generally burn out and end up getting themselves in trouble and fired. I believe many of them *want* to get fired, they want to play and do what they want to do. Can’t live by corporate rules for long. Can’t control their impulses (zipper and mouth) and end up booted no matter how terribly they shatter their own and others’ lives. I think more study needs to be done on this inability to grow up.
My ex spath used to say the “I DID NAAAWWWT!” so often it became a joke among surviving family members.
I’m not surprised. Childish and sick.
I can’t believe I didn’t become completely disgusted when he said that both because it was a blatant lie *and* it sounded like a 3 yr old. I did find it extremely unattractive but made an excuse for it anyway. Poison.
I discern it’s a choice not to grow up, as much as inability. Lack of conscience and lack of empathy make it possible for them to act in ways that harm others without being bothered.
Ah yes. I think choice is involved as well. Certainly I’m making NO excuses for this moron or any of these other evil creeps. I do think they are pathologically sick but they are well aware of what they need to do to be an acceptable, civilized and successful human being in our world. They certainly are able to behave as necessary when they want something. They just can’t/don’t want to continue being an adult. A well-trained therapist can help but success rate is low because socios don’t want to get well.
I want to know how we can publish the names of the NARCS that we have encountered. I see how Donna posted name and pics of her psychopath. Is it legal to publish this information? We need to start a database of these evil people and where they live. Legal or not?
There are several websites for people to post names and details of predators. A google search would find them.
I am not an attorney, but I think there may be civil remedies for libel and slander, so one would want to post facts, and be careful how conclusions are worded. For example Donna refers to her ex spath as “a man I came to believe is a sociopath…” or something similar. I think that if we say someone is a sociopath, we could in theory be liable for damages if we are not medical professionals qualified to make a diagnosis. These are some things to think about. It may be useful to read up on libel and slander, or consult an attorney to get a complete and accurate answer.
bluegown
There are a few websites where you can post who they are. cheaterville,carnal abuse by deceit, and a few others. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t google their love interest until they are hooked and start suspecting things aren’t as they seem.
It is true about self fulfilling prophecy is however psychopathy is also all I know.
All social contacts my whole life.
You could say “heal” but the only home for me to heal in is with them. And, psychologists I saw and new friends I made were also psychopaths but I didn’t see it as at that time I had no idea.. Which all added to the evidence that I was the problem.
He is gentle and sweet but you are right, something is missing. But I have no one. Most people I meet would not help me. We live in a selfish and superficial world.