UPDATED FOR 2023. Before my marriage, I was absolutely clueless about the games psychopaths play. I know about them now, but I am still shocked by their audacity. Here’s what I witnessed, up close and personal:
At 11 p.m. on a Saturday night, wearing new lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, I awaited the arrival of my fiancé, James Montgomery.
He’d been out of the country on a secret military mission (so he told me). But he could escape his duties for a short time, so he was driving more than 1,000 miles, from MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, Florida, to my home in New Jersey, to meet me for a passionate rendezvous.
He arrived in a vehicle I’d never seen before — a black Grand Prix. “Whose car is this?” I asked.
“It belongs to one of my mates from MacDill,” Montgomery told me. “He needed the car brought up north, and I needed to get home. It worked out well.”
I believed his explanation — at that point I had no reason to doubt him — and we had our rendezvous. which, at the time, was thrilling.
Read more: 8 ways your body warns you about sociopaths
Years later, I learned that the car belonged to a woman Montgomery started dating five years before I met him. He continued to date the woman — I call her Kim in my book, Love Fraud — while married to the wife before me (who died suddenly) and then to me.
He was not out of the country. Kim, who lived in Florida, was staying at his townhouse in New Jersey for two weeks.
Two years later, I left Montgomery, and 10 days after that, he married Kim. The very next day, yet another woman — whom I call Sylvia in my book — flew from Pennsylvania to Florida to visit Montgomery.
He drove Sylvia around in Kim’s car. Sylvia, however, was on to him. She searched the glove compartment, and found out that the car belonged to Kim, not Montgomery.
Why did James Montgomery do this? Why did he risk one woman finding out about the other woman? Most likely, for the thrill of it.
Duping Delight
I’ve heard this story time and time again. One woman told me that the psychopath she knew routinely arranged for several of the women he dated to be in the same place, explaining to each of them that the other woman was a “business associate” or “friend.”
A man told me that the woman he dated arranged to attend a trade association event where he was receiving an award and brought another man.
Psychopaths love getting over on people, especially their partners — it’s called “duping delight.” And they have a thirst for excitement. So to feed both their needs, they often try to see how close they can bring their various partners together, without the partners catching on.
Soulless psychopaths
Why is it important to know that psychopaths do this? Because it shows how they truly view romantic relationships: as a game.
Psychopaths do not pursue romantic relationships for love, but for exploitation. And perhaps the cruelest form of exploitation is playing with other people’s hearts — just to entertain themselves.
Psychopaths truly are soulless, and the games psychopaths play are proof of it.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on October 12, 2015.
Why are you distraught about the lying, cheating sociopath’s silent treatment?
This is a marvelous piece from your book, Donna. At the time similar situations were occuring for me, I felt I had to “hang in there” – it NEVER touched my radar that beings like this existed.
I stayed so long and fought so hard because of this very fact. This, lovely lady, is the very heart of the value of your book and site. We are ill prepared, with our ethic of goodness, to coomprehend the approach to life of these people.
I was one of the lucky ones. Although financially decimated and emotionally tanked, it could have been worse. Thank you for sharing.
Many in the realm of New Agey ideas continued to tell me that I had “created” this. I still balk when I hear ideas along this line. The goodness in many is twisted and used against them and all of us today need to be aware of these predatory types….Women tend to think, “the love of a GOOD woman” will rescue the being…BUT they simply are not wired the same way.
BeckyR,
Ahh the web of twisted deception to fulfill a sick, twisted distorted mind.
I agree with you on Donna’s book!
I love these books are available in a link sent to my email!
How is one to comprehend the evil of the intentions of these disordered people.
As for the New Agey ideas saying that we “created” this.
I’m balking right along with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I take personal responsibility for what I did but I refuse to take responsibility for a lying, cheating conman.
Stronginthecity
Thanks BeckyR and Strong -I told my story so people can see how it happens, and that it can happen to anyone – especially those of us who believe in keeping our promises.
Donna,
Thank you for telling your story.
Because of your braveness and courage you have helped us all connect and heal.
I feel that telling the story has helped me tremendously.
I am feeling more and more of me return every day.
Stronginthecity
re the “new agey” you created this thing:
It has now been some years since I have been involved with the sociopathic man who was my husband and the father of my children (who are now all grown). I’ve explored a bunch of different paths of learning, as have all of us on our healing journeys, including studying abnormal psychology and various spiritual practices.
SO, yes I do think that it is true in a metaphysical sense that we create our experiences. However, I also believe that these experiences are only meant to teach us things we need to learn. (these are my beliefs, and YMMV!)
I think I very much needed to learn that sociopaths exist. I needed to understand what evil is, and learn discernment. I needed to learn that good triumphs over evil, and I needed to learn what I need to do, to stay on my OWN path. It has been a very long, hard road. At the end of this road lies love, and love alone. It can take a long time to get to this point — it has been a lot of searching and seeking and some dead ends along the way.
Anyhow, still a work in progress, but I have reached a point I never thought I’d get to — where I feel gratitude for the experience, because of what it has taught me and the wisdom I have gained from it.
Having said that, though, I do not think it is helpful at all for “new agey” people to TELL people who are going through the darkest days of a sociopathic experience, that they “chose” or “created” this experience. That was said to me, too, and I found it very hurtful and not in the least helpful or validating. I was still too vulnerable and had not yet learned the difference between “taking my share of the blame” and “taking responsibility for my part” — huge difference!
So I think there are a lot of well meaning people out there, not necessarily fully understanding the concept of creating one’s experience, maybe trying to help, but making it worse by coming across as invalidating.
Healing from this type of trauma is done in layers, in stages, and is truly an individual, step-by-step journey. In my experience, the only people who are in a position to offer guidance are those who have trod a similar path themselves.
Another thing I heard: “you made your bed, you LIE in it!” a very blaming sounding thing. yet, what IS true is that you “lie in the bed which you have made” which is a way of saying that I “create” my own experience. And…. if you think about it, can be an empowering rather than disempowering thought: if I do not LIKE the bed I happen to be lying in, then I can create a DIFFERENT one that I like better! Right? 🙂
20years,
You stated, “taking my share of the blame” and “taking responsibility for my part” huge difference!
Yes ma’am so true.
Other useless info from non supportive/ill informed family members : Just get over it
Why on Earth did you even date him
You will meet someone much better
Why did you keep going back to him
drum roll..my personal favorite…”Its your own fault”.
Umm no, it’s not my own fault when someone is lying right to your face.
Ugh, never again.
I hope you find some peace in your life and it sounds as if you have!
Stronginthecity
Man! So been there. There were nearly 8 women, in 9 months, with the badman I ‘dated’. He even took me to coffee with one of them, and I thought they were just friends. Plus all the traveling he did…bet there were lots of one night stands. All the while (until the big discard, then the mask was lowered) telling me he was wanting to settle down for the first time in his life.
Then, when his big night of devaluing and discarding finally arrived, he made dinner and talked his head off, saving the best for last. He was giddy for his big finale; manic, and could barely hold still. He was smiling from ear to ear, and I could feel the train coming toward me. I knew it was going to be big, and I was going to be crushed.
He told me that during our ‘trial’ of being apart (which he asked for so ‘we’ could decide if we were going to continue to be a couple) he had slept with 5 women (in 10 days). He needed to see if he was ‘still attracted to me that way’ even if he had sex with other women. Then he reported he could not settle down, but wanted to live his usual ‘poly amorous’ lifestyle. I nearly threw up. For real, it made me incredibly nauseous to be in his presence. I got sweaty, sick to my stomach, and completely repulsed. My heart rate must have been out the ceiling.
He once told me one of the women who escaped him (my words) told him that he loved to make fools of women. Boy did he, made him feel powerful and smug. I certainly felt a fool in those final moments.
Sure, we have to come to terms with who we are, and see ourselves realistically. I am all for that. But these situations are not 50/50. You cannot take even half the responsibility for choices that were made on false information.
The really good news is I can type this now and not feel any physical or emotional reaction to it. It is firmly in the past, and I am happy in my life. Thank goodness we can come back to ourselves, our new IMPROVED selves.
Wow, Slim, what a story! I kind of wish you did throw up. All over his dinner table.
Slimone,
Barf indeed.
SITC
I want to ask opinions on whether this latest man I am with could be a sociopath. The reason I am unsure is because of his ever-cool demeanour and lack of reaction sometimes when things go wrong.
The traditional checklist could or could not fit him.
He is African, and a francophone African, so the culture is relaxed about timing and stress in general. He is also pushing for marriage right away which is also an African thing, however I do have the visa attached with the marriage to leave this place.
We have known each other two years and get along and laugh really well, and work together on projects. I do love him and think the world of him but sometimes the old signs come back (I come from a psychopathic family and friendship group, and have a string of P exes because I didn’t know).
I am afraid psychopaths are so part of my identity now that I cannot spot it and no longer care because I am so depressed.
I wondered outside of the red flags what (very) specific signs I can look for. I am considering whether to start a family with this man in the future and I am unsure. I am thinking that he might just be a calm person who is young and a bit irresponsible, as he seems genuinely upset if he has hurt my feelings. But, I do have to fight for them to be recognised and understood.
I would welcome your thoughts. I don’t know whether to break up as a precaution or continue while looking for evidence!
Instincts are a wonderful tool to alert you when things are not as they seem. In addition, I have found that handwriting analysis is very useful in confirming or denying your suspicions.
Of the 2 years you’ve known him, how long have you dated? Are you doing anything to deal with and recover from your depression? How long has it been since you got out of a relationship with your ex psychopath?
Some questions you might ask yourself about him that might help you get a handle on his character: Does he keep his word? Have you ever discovered that he lied? Has he cheated on you? Does he have friends? What is his relationship like with his family, particularly his mother and sisters if any, friends, and women he’s dated in the past/ex girlfriends? Does he admit he’s wrong and make changes when he makes a mistake?
What is his work life like – does he move from job to job? Has he ever been fired?
star_al,
Listen to your gut, it’s telling you something and you posted here.
I have attached a documentary please watch it if you would like.
It’s called
Doc Zone The Psychopath Next Door [Full Episode]
It feature Sandra Brown, author and a chilling interview with a woman who married one.
https://youtu.be/l84TlYhg06g
Stronginthecity
Star_al,
There were several things you mentioned in your post that remind me of the thought process I went through when I was in a relationship with a psychopath. Even after I KNEW that was what he was. You say that you come from a background of family/friends and partners who were psychopaths. I am very sorry to hear that, because I know dealing with all that must have caused you a world of pain. But the fact you had all that experience dealing with these people, has given you the skills to have concerns, whereas I didn’t even know these people existed until my relationship with D! Then I was able to see patterns in others (especially my mother). My alarm bells are on high now.
As mentioned by others here, I think instinct is a very powerful tool. And if I can change one thing about myself it will be to not just LISTEN, but to ACT on my intuition. Once I started examining my relationship through the prism of my mind and heart, I started rationalising and excusing. I failed to act on my intuition, which I knew/know was the truth. Our minds can obscure what is staring us in the face (and everybody else). In my case, it was because I didn’t want/wasn’t ready to acknowledge that I had come from a dysfunctional background, and was desperate for the love D was pretending to offer. Who wouldn’t?
Star_al, I worry about your turn of phrase: “I am afraid psychopaths are so part of my identity now that I cannot spot it and no longer care because I am so depressed”. Do you mean that your response to dealing with psychopaths is ingrained (from experience), or that you have decided that you were/are destined to forever attract/be with psychopaths? (Apologies if I’m just being pedantic). Also, do you no longer care because you are depressed, or has the situation with this man made you feel depressed?
I felt depressed for most of the time I was with D, because I didn’t listen to my instincts, or rather I didn’t ACT on them. So, time and time again I would find myself in a depressed and angry state, because I KNEW it was ’wrong’. I got to the point when I would think “How much evidence do I need”?
I think Red Flags are really useful when you’re trying to work out whether or not the relationship you’re in is ’right’. But I’ve decided that the very fact I was looking for/check-listing Red Flags was in itself a Red Flag! I feel with all the scrutinising of actions, responses, gestures etc I sent myself into an even deeper depression. And I don’t believe ’looking for evidence’ is the way to conduct a relationship. And if you need to ’fight’ for your feelings to be recognised and understood that suggests to me that he doesn’t really care (naturally), and maybe the ’response’ you eventually get, is him responding in a way he knows he has to. Why is he hurting your feelings anyway?
From reading your post, I don’t feel that you should be thinking about marriage yet (or babies). And I don’t think it’s about “….breaking up as precaution ……. or keep looking for evidence”. I think it’s about taking your time, until you are sure in your heart of hearts.
Before you make major decisions with this man, ask yourself if he can give you what you need (if you know what that is…. I’m only just learning!).
Your post does not mention love. But it does mention friendship, laughter and a good working relationship. Maybe that in itself is worth having in your life. Don’t rush into anything! People can change, once you’ve made a commitment. There is no bigger commitment that marriage and children.
Good luck with it all.
Hello Friend,
I am hoping you will take heart to my story. I have 3 kids , now teenagers and was married to F for 19 years!!! Together for 23…not knowing that I was married to a con man, manipulator, controller…the word sociopath didn’t even exist.
The day I met his mother, God spoke to my heart even at the tender age of 17 …..THAT WOMAN IS GOING TO GIVE YOU TROUBLE!!!!..But hey? I wasn’t marrying his mother??? I was marrying him !!! ( and boy did she ever give me trouble for 20 years !) ….Runs in the family…. Because of my naivete and STUPIDITY I married him anyway because I had no idea that when you marry , you marry everything a man is and has….including his crazy, dysfunctional ass family!!
What ended up happening was he was unfaithful to me for many years, never re-paid loans that were due, cheated on me right under my nose but I thought I would stay for the sake of the CHILDREN. Two years later, after trying to recover from the first infidelity ( I lost 15 pounds, suffered PTST syndrome, lost my hair, while trying to take care of 3 kids under the age of 7), he decided he needed TIME FOR HIMSELF!
Unbeknownst to me, F had already moved in with the woman he was cheating with and then decided to marry her?? Don’t even think about marrying this idiot nor having children with him. They make awful fathers and in the end you as the mother suffer along with the children because they are so traumatized by the divorce, they don’t know how to handle the rejection.
I beg you to look at the future and envision this please. You r LOVE may be genuine, but his isn’t and he will destroy you because all that is important to him is HIM!!! They never change no matter what you do. I was so kind and easily manipulated always hoping he would change…..NOT!! Still the same 8 years later.
It wasn’t until I had to literally recover from the carnage that I met my current husband and we have been happily married for 7 years now. Sociopaths DO NOT KNOW what real LOVE is.
I personally believe that you need to get real about yourself and listen to that little inkling , gnawing ,suspicious feeling you get and act on it. That , my dear friend, is the warning siren going off. I chose to ignore it 30 years ago, and I am still PAYING THE PRICE!!!
I hope and pray this was helpful for you. Please be strong because you will find that inevitably this is not someone that can ADD to your life, but eventually destroy it. I would also suggest you stop telling yourself you are attracted to these kind of men. it’s lie a self fulfilling prophecy.
Change your MIND, change your WORDS, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Its that powerful!
star_al – if you have doubts,listen to them. Do not talk yourself out of your doubts. Keep in mind that sociopaths can maintain a peaceful, loving charade as long as necessary to hook you. Once you are committed, everything changes.
Donna,
Thanks for this story.
The car. I know that one all too well!
He was driving around in an exs car- pretending it was his and how he wanted to get a different one because he sees too many girls driving that model.
Showing off in that BMW that he end
Cont…
That he ended up returning, yet said he was going to take it over and be his car, but then why did you give it back?
That was one of quite a few dupes. There were more to follow.
🙂
Very good article. What got me is that my ex used to take my car to visit his other girlfriend. So, I was one of his dupes I guess. 1 1/2 years no contact….I broke it and caved and am so sorry I did. But now he has left me alone. Can’t believe though, that after all of this time, he still affects me.
The psychopath tried flaunting others in front of me, but didn’t know how to react when I wasn’t jealous. As far as I am concerned, if someone doesn’t want to be with me, why would I force it? It was so deflating when I said if I wasn’t good enough, move on, no big deal. My lack of possessiveness and jealousy was unfathomable to the psychopath. The root of it was that I like myself too much [and not in a narcissistic way] to waste my energy on someone who can’t see and like me for who I am. Unfortunately, that just meant the psychopath upped the game and found other ways to keep me hooked until I finally managed to escape.
Thank you everyone for quickly replying, it is making me feel much better to have some “sisters”. As all of my old “sisters” are in fact sociopaths.
This man is someone who has been good to me and done good things. I believe he does struggle with emotion and I guess I excused it being African and not having a nurturing mother. He is very encouraging toward me but at the same time I feel alone as I know deep down he is different from me. Even though we get along really well.
I think I dont have the same fear reaction A) because I never saw fear in my own family and B) because I know the illness so well and I know their downsides. Their downsides are that they hate themselves, they hate they are out of control and cannot control their impulses, and they hate that despite their thirst for power, they can never really have power because they can’t maintain anything.
This guy has some of the traits but not all of them. And the other people have been aggressive whereas he is gentle.
The thing I don’t like is a little bit of masochism and “don’t ask so many questions about my past” which is also African.
He has two exes, one he got along with, and one that he doesn’t. His father is not on good terms but his mother is. He has A LOT of friends. His job is artistic and he does depend on me financially.
It is difficult. I guess I have grown up with those on the more violent spectrum and he isn’t at all. He is very nurturing and positive. However, sometimes our conversations go around in circles and I feel bad for having needs. It makes me feel hysterical but then it could be fears from having no security net whatsoever in the past.
I am living with him in his country and “escaping” is difficult. I think I will go wit the flow until I can leave to have a “break” at which stage I will reflect.
I was writing because I don’t trust myself to recognise when I am being manipulated and whether my life is in danger. This post struck a cord because on the weekend he brought a female friend out with us and I sensed from her sexual energy and his way of talking to her that they had been together and were lying to me. I questioned him and he seemed to very much sit with me and understand and assured me there was nothing.
I know from previous sociopaths that a lack of attachment might be the “nothing” even though the act had been carried out. They see things differently.
I hate this world. It’s full of pathologicals you can’t trust. They’ve been in every workplace and every social group. I am depressed because I have never had an empath as a friend I could trust.
In my field, media, it is very glamorous and competitive so trust is a daily challenge for me and success demands I put love aside a lot.
Do you think there is a true spectrum and you have can have a semi-sociopath as a friend?
star_al, I have read others’ comments to you and have just a few things to chime in on. First, I wish you “peace” above all.
Do you feel “peace” when you are with this man? Or do you feel unsettled and on edge, uneasy? Pay attention to those feelings. Do you feel relaxed and happy, or do you feel confused and upset? Are there frequent misunderstandings? You mention circular conversations and that you sometimes feel bad for having needs.
!!!!!
Oh my. Well, what happens during the times when you are radiantly happy and shining that out? Something you are excited and enthusiastic about, something beautiful that has caught your eye that you comment on, or something wonderful that happens, that you share with him — what does he do? Does his face light up with joy, at the joy you are feeling? Does he (artistic person that he is) see the same beauty that you do? Do you look at each other, deeply, and just smile and feel very relaxed? Can you tell what he is feeling?
I ask these things because yes, sociopaths can “fake it” but no, they cannot really, and you can see little cracks in their mask if you know what to look for.
Your intuition is above all your very best guide. Pay attention to YOUR feelings. Also, pay attention to how empowered you feel — now as opposed to when you met him. Do you feel more, or less empowered? You mention that you are living with him and that “escaping” is difficult. Also you mention that he depends on you financially. How does that make you feel?
Are you able to raise with him, as you have done here, all of these things that bother you, or are you somehow afraid to bring them up? Or, if you do bring them up, how does he react, and then do you feel that you had a good conversation and resolved some things?
What I’m getting at is, do you feel simultaneously “closer” to him and “more distinctly your own self” as time goes on? It is very important that each of you helps nurture the other, to become your own very best potential YOU — not to control or dictate, but to support, nurture, allow the unfolding of who you (and he) are meant to be, without control.
It is like walking down a forest path together, holding hands and taking turns pointing out the beauty of this tree, or that bird, and each one of you marveling at what the other has discovered, but not taking ownership, and simply beholding what each other offers, with reverence, and cherishing each other.
So, see how you feel when you are with him, with you converse with him, when you feel happy does he get happy experiencing your joy, or does he somehow try to sabotage that?
I am also concerned about what you might mean, when you say you don’t trust yourself to recognise whether your life is in danger. What is going on?
It is difficult as again it is yes and no. But speaking here helps to alert me to the fact that anxiety isn’t normal and my instincts would point to the fact the things I’ve had to bring up with him are not ones I would have to with someone experiencing guilt.
I think the problem is that I have only ever known this company and adapted my personality to it. So I feel safe.
I do feel good with him sometimes but disconnected at others and this is why I wondered if he can be half or on a spectrum.
We do enjoy a lot together and yes I feel he is joyful and I do make him happy. But then it seems to fade and he’s just functioning.
I wondered if that is just “male” or he is ill.
I confront him about everything and he is always willing to talk it through and listen and be loving. But I know he doesn’t FEEL it. He is just listening.
I think I react how my mother reacts which is not enough alarm in situations of danger. At the moment I’m just concentrating on finishing our projects which are in dance and trying not to feel scared and upset. But in fact I do and I think the little girl in me is replaying “going home” to danger.
Star_al – to answer your question – yes, someone can be partially sociopathic. And you don’t want to marry someone who is partially sociopathic – it will still be miserable.
The more you describe this man, the more I worry. He is exhibiting typical sociopathic traits.
I totally agree with Donna, star_al. The more I read your posts the more the situation sounds ‘wrong’. Please listen to your sistren here at LF. I would hate you to end up where many of us have been.
Blessings and strength.
star_al,
even if he’s not a sociopath, or you can’t be sure he is, that doesn’t mean you should accept the traits that are making you uncomfortable. If his behavior is due to his culture etc., it’s still problematic behavior that’s making you anxious and that is unlikely to change.
I’ve also found it sadly common that disordered people from different backgrounds use that background as a ready excuse for why they behave problematically and why they can’t possibly be expected to change. They divert our attention from potential disorder and bad attitudes by ascribing our reaction to them as being because of cultural differences. It’s an easy distraction and also a way to make us feel guilty about our bad reaction to their behavior because we’d like to be open-minded.
Your instincts sound good, listen to them. Best wishes.
Donna, Thank you for sharing your story and providing this website. I also appreciate others who have shared their experience, strength and hope.
Unfortunately, I have been through this and it was extremely painful. I was married to a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS) for 11 years.
NS constantly cheated. According to one of his former friends, NS cheated on me MANY times. NS also had an affair with a woman in another state for several years during our marriage.
In the last year of our marriage, NS had a passionate affair with a local woman. He constantly flaunted her in my face and demanded that I become best friends with her.
NS went on verbal tirades and continually verbally berated me for not being like this woman–or the other women that he used to constantly point out how inferior I was to them. Why didn’t I have blue eyes instead of brown? Why didn’t I have bigger boobs or a different shaped rear-end? and so on. I see now that the physical attributes he used to run me down were things that I could not change.
NS said many other intentionally hurtful things that caused me much mental and emotional suffering. He was truly mean and sadistic.
Anyway, NS presented that woman as his ‘wife’ during their multiple out-of-town weekend trips together. She managed to get a job at the organization where I worked, so I had to run into her unexpectedly many times–knowing that she was his current mistress–and that neither she nor my NS husband would stop cheating, despite the children involved (mine and hers).
One day, I came home early and they were in our home together during an afternoon in the middle of the work week. It was obvious that they had sex in our marital bed. I was shocked, but when I confronted them they both made excuses with straight faces. NS looked me right in my eyes and flat out lied. (NS was a constant pathological liar who acted very calm and cool while doing it).
Later, there was hell to pay when NS verbally and physically attacked me for ‘being so rude and embarrassing him in front of her’. How dare I have the audacity to even bring up something so ridiculous’ etc. Back to NS game of verbal assault and accusing me of acting ‘crazy’.
NS are very cruel, sick people. Unfortunately, many of us who are nice and brought up to do the right thing in all circumstances get used and abused by them.
On a positive note, I have sorted through my past and see my part. I no longer take responsibility for his part. I’ve experienced a lot of healing. I’m very grateful for this website and everyone here.
OMG Charm4U you are describing my ex husband of 31 years. I cried when I read your post. Everything and I mean everything you described I lived it. It is so sad that we have to experience such cruelty from these monsters.