By Ox Drover
Most of us know that when you combine gasoline and fire there is not only a larger fire, but an explosive one. Our here in the boondocks we have occasion to burn brush piles or even trash sometimes and anyone except some pure idiot knows you never use gasoline as an accelerant for burning anything, you use diesel. Diesel fuel is more akin to what they call fuel oil up north and they fuel their household heaters with it. It ignites slowly without a lot of vapor and burns steadily, not causing an explosion.
Gasoline on the other hand, starts to vaporize as soon as it is poured out and when you strike a match to it, that vapor cloud explodes into a huge fireball, engulfing anything in the area. As a nurse I have taken care of many patients who were unwise enough to use gasoline as an accelerant to start a fire. Many of those people received life threatening and extremely painful injuries; some patients died.
In a relationship where there are two people who are both personality disordered, there is always the potential for a lethal explosion caused when the one of the participants acts like the gasoline and vaporizes a cloud of toxic and very volatile gas, and the other personality-disordered of the pair strikes the match. The explosion may engulf one or both of the parties, like a murder-suicide, or it may involve the deaths of someone else outside of the couple when one of the couple uses the other to effect a murder-for-hire, a murder-for-love, or some other highly explosive situation.
One example of a situation where a male psychopath looked for and planned for a relationship with a female partner who was high enough in psychopathic traits that she would go along with his plan to kill for money. This lethal combination came together in the relationship of Teresa Lewis and Matthew Shallenberger.
Teresa Lewis is scheduled to die in by lethal injection this coming Thursday in the first female execution in Virginia in many years.
Read: In Virginia, a woman on the verge of execution, on Time.com.
Shallenberger, who was given life without parole for being the trigger man, committed suicide after admitting the only reason he slept with Lewis was to get her to give him the money from the insurance obtained by killing her husband and step son. The other killer involved in the double murder also received life without parole for his part.
The judge who sentenced Lewis called her “evil’ and “the head of the serpent.” But like many psychopaths facing the prospect of death at the hands of the state, Teresa found not only Jesus, but a purpose in life, helping others. (Tongue-in —cheek, I say.) I am sure this is because of the redemptive power of our state correctional institutions on redeeming psychopaths. It does seem that many of them do find a semblance of redemption and remorse in the final hours before execution that is not afforded them when they are given only life sentences.
Teresa’s appeal for clemency was rejected. Read Virginia governor declines to stay woman’s execution on Time.com.
When I first pulled up this page today I was only able to see the first paragraph of your blog. I was confused a little at first but I gleaned insight from that paragraph alone. When I attempted to comment on it the site prompted me to register and log in. I registered and logged in and to my surprise I was able to see the whole piece you wrote. I have been in a relationship for about 18 months and have realized in the last 2 weeks that he (my significant other) is a textbook Sociopath. My whole world came crashing down. Not that the relationship wasnt already dysfunctional, but I at least thought that he was just an a-hole that loved me in his own way. Having this epiphany devastated me because it meant that there never was any love. I googled the word Sociopath and voraciously devoured everything I could find to read up on it. I was entranced at the notion that our whole relationship was just a system of smoke and mirrors. I was terrified for the first few days because I felt like there were people in the world who were not real but were just here to decieve the rest of us. It was like I found out that the boogyman is real. I’ve been walking around like a zombie ever since. Through my google search I stumbled upon a site called Sociopathworld. I was even more in a tailspin. Reading this site confused me because It seems like a support group for sociopaths but why would they need support group? I even started to have sympathy for them after reading their blogs about how unfair the world is for looking unfavorably on them. Is that site just another way for them to continue manipulating people? Just when I was about to completely lose my mind, myself, and my religion, I found lovefraud. And what a wonderful and fitting name for this site. With me being a recovering addict, I have developed an obsession for learning about this disorder. I am such a people-pleasing, rationalizing, codependent that I actually sat down with him and tried to explain to him that we can’t be together because he can’t love me and I desparately want to be loved. He was astonished at what I said but he agreed that he does display the behaviors and characteristics of a Sociopath. Then – ready for this?- He asked if I would stay with him to help him with his disease!!!!!!!!!! I am still “with” him. I don’t have the heart to leave him. I’m just waiting to hear a female leaving him some salacious message on his voicemail, or for him to blatantly lie to me or just not come home one night so I can feel ok about leaving him. I’m all screwed up. I will continue to read this blog daily because its working for me just like NA meetings do. You are soooo right. He is gasoline and I am fire.
Thanks Oxy- thanks to everyone here and the creator of this site.
smartyskirts79
you said it: “there never was any love” the bogeyman is real and walking around like a zombie is chronic shock which most likely will be followed by denial, bargaining and typical grief responses….but you are realising by degree (slowly is good) that you are ‘in trouble’
keep reading…the first thing, just like NA…you are POWERLESS over this situation….and when you are ready…no contact is the first port of call in a serious attempt of recovery…it’s simple but it’s not easy…good luck !
Oxy- a very powerful and timely message about ‘explosiveness’ such an important issue. I was on the brink of “exploding” and it was a horrible irreversable feeling…no contact was what saved me from combusting in a deadly dual with what to me was the devil…I either wanted to kill…or wanted to be killed…I did neither and chose “suffering post traumatic stress and bottomless grief” and emerged stronger…over time…(one year this month no contact)
I will not give my power away to anyone, narcissistic and all as it may sound…I am the only being I trust at the moment along with a scattering of people who “seem” very real and sincere, supportive and even loving but the jury is always out on whether the motives are pure…..so it is for now…thanks Oxy….I like the way you really get to the core of the issue as always… in a humble ‘so what’ kind of way….(((hugs)))
Dear Smarty,
I’m glad you found this place, it is for HEALING. Yes, Sociopathworld IS A SUPPORT SITE FOR THEM!!!! In fact, someone asked about the name of it the other day and I couldn’t remember what the name was. I only read there for 4-5 minutes before I had to leave that site or PUKE!
Many of us here are also ENABLERS or former enablers, or people pleasers—but we are REFORMING. we are getting ON THE WAGON, and helping each other remain NO CONTACT.
As long as you are in contact with him, or “with” him, you will remain hooked, you willl remain SELF-ABUSIVE and the “gasoline and fire” relationship will continue.
HE CANNOT CHANGE, and only you CAN CHANGE IF YOU WANT TO….he can’t even WANT to change—though he will SAY he does, but everything out of his mouth is a LIE.
There’s lots of great information here at LF and it will educate you if you read it and absorb it—but if you don’t read, or you don’t absorb, you end up like a drunk at an AA meeting sitting there with a bottle in your hand crying because your head hurts from the hang over and swigging to try to get rid of the pain! IT AIN’T GONNA WORK.
I hope you will stay around here, and read and learn….and endure the “hang over” until the pain goes away because there is nothing that can cure the hang over except NO CONTACT. EVERY DAY, one day at a time.
Unfortunately too many times there are “dry drunks” at AA meetings that are psychopaths who have “kicked the bottle” but are never able to develop a conscience, they just use AA as a place to troll for more victims—just without booze!
BP—I agree with you and too many times they have sucked us in to the point that we become crazy-acting and sounding. It doesn’t mean we are disordered, just that we are not functioning. WE CAN IMPROVE, because we DO have a conscience.
I know I have been angry to the point I’ve said some pretty nasty things I shouldn’t have said…done some things I shouldn’t have. The difference is that I have REPENTED of those things, made amends where I could, and learned to behave in a better way. None of us is perfect, or has always done the things we should or could, but now that we know better we are doing better. We are taking responsibility for our lives, ourselves, and our happiness and well being. That is something that a psychopath will never do. They are predators.
BP & Oxy,
Sighhhhhhhhhh. Thanks. No contact sounds like paradise to me. It literally means not “picking up” the drug anymore. Unfortunately he pressed and hounded me to do a little of this and a little of that until in one evening I caved and I lost all of the ground I gained in 6 months of recovery. I am encouraged that BP said that “slowly is good.” because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m just afraid of the tunnel. I have faith in the healing process, though.
PS- I always wondered about the mystique of the “dry drunk” but your theory on them trolling the rooms for victims makes perfect sense. One question, because as is customary, my S is an alcoholic, sex and drug addict, and small time criminal. Why do most of them become drug users if there are no negative emotions or stresses that could drive them there? Thanks again
DEar Smarty,
Because DRUGS FEEL GOOD, because SEX FEELS GOOD and they all release the “feel good” chemicals in our brains—the CONSEQUENCES come later but by then they are doing the FEELS GOOD stuff again, until their lives or very life falls apart.
I hope that you will “get sober” in all ways Smarty, but MY OPINION (and they are like noses everyone has one) is that COLD TURKEY is the only way to kick the habit.
I have never done illegal drugs that were very addictive (did smoke some grass as a kid but that was 40+ years ago) but I have kicked CIGARETTES and if I can kick them, you can kick booze, drugs, and that man. I always told myself I was “trying” but I KNEW I WAS GOING TO GO BACK TO SMOKING, because I knew I didn’t really want to give them up. I FINALLY MADE UP MY MIND TO QUIT AND I QUIT.
Once in a while I’ll feel that desire for a “hit” of nicotine, but I know the consequences are NOT WORTH IT. I AM WORTH having control of my life. SO ARE YOU!
You can’t “taper off” a psychopath any more than you can “slowly taper off” cocaine or booze—sorry, that’s just my opinion—so if you are serious about getting sober, DO IT, don’t talk about it. You can come up with all the EXCUSES in the world (if you dont’ have enough excuses, I’ll loan you some of the ones I used to taper off cigarettes—they worked for decades for me!) LOL
Or I will loan you some of the delusions I had about my psychopathic son who is in prison for murder “finding Jesus”—my delusions were really great ones! Worked for me! NOT!
This is a great place, Smarty! There’s all kinds of information and support and caring! Take advantage of it! Life on the other side of the tunnel is a LOT BETTER!!!! ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Smartyskirts, I use the 12 steps to help me recover from the relationship with the Spath…it works very well, if you consider your relationship to be like a chemical addiction. Think of it like this: All you need to be a member of NA is the desire to stop using. Bingo. The desire to not be in this relationship is enough to get you started. Now start with step 1. You are powerless over your relationship with____, and your life has become unmanagable. Well, you just told us that. Step 2. You will come to believe that a power greater than yourself will restore you to sanity….I would work the first 3 steps in unison…There basic meaning is this: I can’t. God can. I’m gonna let him. Just work on that for a while until you have a good handle on it. Right now, you need to be focusing on the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results…The old, “this time it will be different,” mentality. That is denial and if you want out, you can’t afford it.
I”m glad you are here. There are so many good articles in the archives and so many great people who get it, here, so I hope you stick around.
Well, it says in the big book, (or is it the 12 and 12? I can’t remember.) Alcohol (and drugs) are just a symptom of our disease. There are all kinds of disorders, sociopathy is only one of them…I’m a raging co-dependant, and I was that LONG before I took my first drink. Addiction is a 3 fold disease. Dis-ease–not being at ease. It is physical, it is mental, it is spiritual. You can only recover if you work on all three levels…For us, here, at LF, who may or may not be love junkies (I am) this means going NC in order to get our physical symptoms under control…brain chemistry, bonding hormones, oxytosin, seretonan….etc. That is physical. The mental part is the faulty thinking, the denial, the self sabatogue. The repeated behaviors. And the spiritual part is finding out how to fill the God shaped hole. Haven’t we been trying our entire lives to find something to fill up that hole in the gut with the wind ripping through it? Alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food, LOVE…nothings gonna fill it up but a relationship with a higher power, and faith.
That is how I see it, and since you are already familiar with the 12 steps and addiction, I would urge you to take advantage of that resource. It works for me.
slow is necessary because we are unsure of where we are until we test it out. That may mean ‘going back in’ to see something, learn another lesson …whatever… it may be a necessary part of the total recovery…so do not judge yourself, have patience and most of all have compassion for yourself….to hell with him
QUOTE BP–“have compassion for yourself and to hell with him” GREAT!!!!!
That is the thing we have done is to have compassion for THEM and none for ourselves.
Would YOU ever treat anyone the way s/he has treated you? I sincerely doubt it—so why would you let someone, anyone, treat you the way you would NEVER treat someone else?
I’m not sure WHY I ever let anyone treat me the way they did–because I loved them? Maybe. Doesn’t matter WHY I did. I am NOT GOING TO ALLOW IT ANY MORE.
I won’t let someone else treat me badly.
I won’t treat myself badly.
Hey, life is GOOD!
Right on Kimmie!