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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Will I be able to prove it?

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from the reader who posts as “Hehadme39.”

Okay, I became involved with my psychopath in Dec. 2008. I ended our relationship in July 2010. During the course of this relationship he took advantage of me in several ways. The first time he took advantage of me I came to find out he was committing a mass amount of fraud. Not only with me and my financial information but with several others’ financial information.

I kicked him out took the evidence I had to the police. The Secret Service and the FBI got involved as well as the Department of Education. There was a mountain of evidence I delivered to them but in the end, I was told by a TX secret service agent that because he and I were in a romantic relationship the evidence I delivered to them would NOT be admissible in court. They told me they were sorry they couldn’t help me, but they had turned the evidence over to the Department of Education because they had GOOD evidence that he was committing student loan fraud. I got one visit from the DOE and nothing ever came of it all.

All of this occurred only after 5 months of knowing him and 2 months of him living with me. EVERYTHING he told me about me turning him in was true. Nobody did anything to him. Even when he had been in prison twice for violating probation and parole from a prison sentence for committing ”¦ DRUM ROLL PLEASE ”¦ Yes, you guessed it FRAUD!

Seeing him again

Well, he manipulated me again to at least seeing him again as I REFUSED to allow him to live with me. He promised he had changed and wanted to be a better man because of me. (LOL what a joke right) I chose to ignore what my intuition was telling me and I continued to see him in secret, as if my friends knew I was seeing him after what he did they would not be happy with me and it would cost me those friendships.

I now know, He KNEW this would isolate me further and make it easier to deepen his tentacles that sucked my life force and soul out. I even got the psychopath a cell phone and paid for it the majority of the time.  A week later he added another line to my account in an attempt to commit yet another fraudulent act. But to his disappointment I caught this quickly and put security guards in place and removed all access to ANY account I had and refused to give him the information to get into ANY of my accounts. I would not allow him in my home without me there and only left him in my home alone on two separate occasions that were beyond my control. Well, or so I thought.

I knew and realized what he was doing to me. I kept wondering what is wrong with me that I am letting someone manipulate me the way he did. The few friends that did know about him would tell me he is just a liar and a manipulator. It was all true; I couldn’t argue with them. My excuse was always well it’s just for sex anyway. When in reality I truly loved the psychopath as he reinforced all of my own self-loathing. He reminded me daily how much I hated myself and shamefully at the time it’s what I wanted.

Waking up

Well I really started to wake up in December 2009 when he cancelled yet another vacation that was supposed to be spent with me over the Christmas Holiday to be with his live-in girlfriend, which he had me convinced was his “roommate.” Well I came across an article one evening on that vacation I ended up alone entitled, “How to tell if you are dating a married man.” Well I read the article and my psychopath met every criteria of the “married man” and I met every criteria of “the other woman”! I KNEW that day that I had to escape him.

I tried to break it off with him on several occasions and every time he would manipulate me into taking him back. I would be lonely and couldn’t bear the thought of no more sex like that for the rest of my life. The time before our final “show down,” I had broken it off and he threw a very heavy bag like it was nothing destroyed some things in my apartment and chased me to the balcony. When I wouldn’t come in, he wouldn’t risk people seeing him in his rage so he just left. In hindsight, I should have realized then what he was truly capable of.

Assault

For our final showdown he showed up uninvited to my apt to collect his things after I finally had enough. There was NO way he was talking me out of it this time. I stepped outside and refused to allow him into my home. He assaulted me, pushed me into my apt, locked the door behind him and proceeded to terrorize me. He shoved me so hard I fell to the floor. He yanked me around yelling and screaming that he would be heard.

I grabbed him by his throat and shoved him away from me in self-defense and told him to leave. This made him extremely angry and he hit me so hard I came off my feet and was hurled across the room. He asked me if I wanted to die? Then he stated WE are going to DIE! and proceeded to the kitchen to get what I assumed would be a knife or something to kill me with. I raced past him and out my front door as he only locked the privacy lock. I escaped him and started pounding on neighbors’ doors for help as he has stolen my phone in the process of holding me in my apt against my will. I got scared and ran of course.

Citation

A neighbor came out and allowed me to use his cell phone to call 911. The police came made a report etc ”¦ I spoke with a detective and the detective assured me he believed my story and even took pictures of all the bruises he left me with. He then proceeded to tell me they had spoken with the psychopath and that he was scheduled to come down and talk to police the following day. His visit to the police station to my AMAZEMENT and SURPRISE yielded not only them letting him go and only issuing him a misdemeanor citation but issuing ME a citation for assault by contact.

I am the one who is abused and essentially kidnapped and held against her will but I am getting a citation for assault by contact! I had to obtain an attorney to defend the criminal charge. It is still pending and my attorney is having NO luck getting the psychopath to sign a waiver of prosecution. I anticipate that this is going to be going to trial eventually because I refuse to plea anything but self-defense!

I have over 100 emails with threats, virtual admissions of guilt to various crimes and other things, his crazy rantings, phone msgs etc ”¦ I also have the previous time I turned him in. What do you think my chances are proving that he is the one who assaulted me? It’s all about winning to him and I get it. It’s not about winning for me. It’s about proving that I was the VICTIM here not HIM. What are my chances?


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41 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Will I be able to prove it?"

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OMG! Hehadme, Your email has definitely shown me that they can and will become violent after not showing violence previously . I certainly hope and pray that justice is served in your case.

Dear HeHadMe,

Welcome to Lovefraud! I’m sorry you had to come here, but glad that since you did, you found this wonderful place. It sounds like you have met a fraud artiste delux! It does not make any SENSE to me that because you had some kind of “romantic relationship” with him that his FRAUD is OK.

Frustrating isn’t it? I guess if the next bank robber kisses or fondles the teller, that means he had a “romantic relationship” with her and the charges for robbery won’t stick! SICK!!!!!

HeHadMe,

Sorry to hear about the upcoming court proceedings. I had many instances with my ex within the court system and they were by far some of the most frustrating, outrageous experiences I had. I too had false allegations made against me . He would take an actual event where he was abusive toward me and then turn around and claim I did it to him or I provoked it. I was naive enough at the time to believe that I would just go to court and simply tell the truth and everything would be okay- I was in for a very rude awakening. Not only did my ex walk in there proud as a peacock but he lied his way through with a smerk on his face the whole time. I was in absolute disbelief. He was awarded “cooling off” periods for stalking, simple assault, terroristic threats, and harassment. Guess what happened recently? He was arrested for 1st degree murder as he stalked his victim with a GPS and then killed the man in broad daylight in a shopping center. So much for that “cooling off” period.

I guess the best suggestion is after this is over- keep away from him. They will do whatever it takes to win, no matter what. Its sad that our court system supports charm,fraud and dishonesty over logic and reasoning – but thats a whole other issue I guess. In the meantime, keep yourself safe and educate yourself, this a fantastic site with so much to offer. Best of luck to you 🙂

Dear Hehadme,
First you should change your username to Hehateme. This guy is a psychopath who cares nothing for you, and yes is just out to win at all costs even if it means destroying you, your reputation, and nearly tried to take your life. Love? I think not. But you seem to get all that now. Stick to your guns; hopefully someone in the justice system will see the truth. Don’t they see his what seems to be a long criminal history as an indicator of who they are dealing with? I would make sure that gets brought up. Good luck to you. I hope you find peace and healing. And I can’t take credit for Hehateme as it was the name a football player named Rod Smart used on his jersey.

hehadme, I don’t know what your chances are but I am glad you have documented everything. It all sounds so horrible, I was not assaulted but I can really relate to what you wrote about, I am sorry you had to go through all that.

Hehadme:
I’m not sure what/why you were charged. I can only assume, because the police didn’t come in the ‘heat’ of the abuse……they couldn’t prove he was ‘there’.

So many officers go with the ‘toss’ up….if you both have marks, your both being charged…..we’ll let the courts deal with this.

I’m NOT surprised that your attorney can’t get him to sign anything releasing you from this charge. NOT surprised in the least…….HE thinks he’s got you by the balls.

I don’t know all the facts….drugs/alcohol involved yadayada….but the fact they made an apt. with the spath for THE NEXT DAY….shows they didn’t feel you were in any danger.
YIKES!
DV issues are NOT handled this way if they are taken seriously.

The time he had between the attack and his dance apt with the keystone cops……was probably the time he spent banging his head, punching his face and bruising up himself……to present his ‘story’ to the coppers.

Without knowing all details, it’s hard to say…..the justice system is never a ‘slam dunk’….
BUT…..from what you say….and all the documentation you have…..I would believe your going to come out fine….
Self defense is easy to show…..and if you had injuries and documented….
I wouldn’t worry.
PREPARE with your attorney…..but don’t worry.

IF your case is dismissed at trial……and i’m assuming your attoney has filed a motion to dismiss….based on self defense and maybe even home invasion….etec…..
I would SUE his ass for emotional distress and any injuries and attornies fees…..and attach wages or garnish assets.

We all have a right to defend ourselves…..and your life was threatened….you could have SHOT him and not been charged…….

Did you go to the hospital/Dr’s to document any injuries.
I’m hoping you took your own photos too.
And I am ASSUMING you filed a restraining order immediatly!!!!!!

Good luck……

BTW….what exactly was he charged with?

@ ErinBrock

I did not take my own pictures but the police took tons and my attorney obtained them.

I did NOT seek Medical treatment out of shame. I know, I know I should have and I do regret not doing so. But I can’t change that so no use in beating myself up over it. LOL NO pun intended!

I filed (in TX) what is known as an ERO (Emergency Restraining Order) However, since he was never technically arrested. Only interviewed cited and released the ERO did NOT go into effect. Leaving him free to stalk me and he has/did. I received over 54 harassing, threatening, blackmailing, etc over the course of about a week and a half. I had to call the police AGAIN and file another harassment charge. After being contacted by that detective he finally left me along for the most part. Well… at least he wasn’t contacting me.

My Charge was Assault By Contact. I am not sure what his charge is. I never would speak with him so I never asked him. I assume I could go get a copy of the police report of the incident but I am not sure how to do that. I don’t know if it would be under my police report number or if they opened another report number when he decided to file against me.

It’s funny you say that I could have shot him and gotten away with it because my attorney told me the same thing.

I HATE violence and further hate that I had to even be aggressive to save my own rear end. But I will do whatever I HAVE to when it comes to my son and daughter keeping their mother around. Not to mention I can’t let them think it’s okay to let people treat you like that.

I did look into filing a regular restraining order with my attorney’s office but since it’s a different attorney that would file the order, it would require more money. More money I DON’T have. I am a single mom and the money I put down for retainer was ALL I had. So I can’t afford to even legally protect myself from this [email protected]#$%**%(!

Thank You so much for your response.

Hehadme:
Check out…. http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state.php?state_code=TX

Pop around that site and find some answers or clarification.

First off….an abuser doesn’t need to be arrested in order to obtain a TPO.
HE WAS CITED! That’s good enough….and even if he WASN”T CITED…..that’s good enough.

You had injuries, you FEAR him…..that’s grounds enough.

Did you go to the hearing? Did he show up?

Your attorney should have gotten a copy of his police report and charges. If not….why not?
Typically, the police won’t release police reports unless to an attorney, PRIOR to a case being heard.

Your charges ABC…..imply you ‘provoked’ him.
No bodily injury exists (on him) or the charge would have been more severe. ** SEE BELOW Tx. Definitions of assault.

Types of assault
Assault includes various crimes against persons, ranging from making offensive contact to causing serious injury, and including the threat of injury. All of these actions are crimes.

Assault by Contact, a Class C misdemeanor, is committed when a person intentionally or knowingly physically touches another knowing the victim will regard the contact as offensive or provocative.

Assault by Threat, a Class C misdemeanor, is committed when a person intentionally or knowingly threatens another with imminent bodily injury.

In the hall between classes a ninth-grader punches a seventh-grader in the face. The seventh-grader complains of pain. The older student has committed assault with bodily injury. Suppose the same ninth-grader looks at the kid standing next to the student he just punched and says, “Do you want some too?” This is assault by threat.

Assault with Bodily Injury, a Class A misdemeanor, occurs when a person intentionally, knowingly or recklessly causes bodily injury to another person. Bodily injury means physical pain, illness or any impairment of one’s physical condition.
——————————–

You do NOT need an attorney to file a harrasment or DV order!
The paperwork is EASY…..and self explanitory.
Most states have DV advocates to also hold your hand and attend court with you.
DV TPO’s do NOT cost money in most states btw….

I’m gonna tell you…..you NEED to investigate your own case, do YOUR OWN due diligence and KNOW YOUR OWN STATE LAWS…..for your own empowerment and clarity.
DO NOT RELY ON AN ATTORNEY…..like your mother.
If your attorney screws up….it’s your life….NOT HIS!

DO NOT place yourself in Victim mode….BE THE SURVIVOR YOU ARE! Stand up, put on your granny panties and go balls to the wall with researching “WHY” you were charged.
Take the personal out……concentrate on the legal.

NO ONE likes a victim……NO ONE! You will get more respect from the judges and your own attorney if you are self aware and educated on your rights……

It goes without saying, your a single mom……it goes without saying there is not an unlimited bank balance…..
But the victim in you is showing in your last statement….
“So I can’t afford to even legally protect myself from this [email protected]#$%**%(!”
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT??????
I DON”T!

I know different.
Ask yourself……WHAT CAN I do? Research is a biggie.
Get on it girl!
WORK WITH your attorney. Stand up for yourself and FIGHT for your rights and protection……don’t lay down and be told ANYTHING.

Repeat after me……….
I AM A SURVIVOR…..NOT a victim!

@ ErinBrock

You are absolutely right! Thank you for the swift kick in the A$$. I needed it. I really let this psycho turn me inside out. I am gaining my strength and tenancity back and I am heading forward with full force. He chose the WRONG mark in me and I am going to prove it to him! I don’t allow my children to play the victim and I should lead by example. Thank you SO much for pointing that out to me. You ROCK!!!

THAT”S RIGHT BABY!!

We must lead by example…..actions vs words.

My driving force was my kids…..they can be quite empowering…..if we just wipe our tears and take a deep breath and STAND UP….we can clear our own path.

Good luck darlen……

ErinBrock u rock! Thats such awesome empowering info 🙂

🙂

Dear EB!!! Good advice!!! Glad you were there with your “all knowing, all seeing Eye” to empower her!!!!

Well, you didn’t get me with the skillet! I got INVOLVED this morning before I left for the doctor’s office.

Took a big bag of frozen meat and food down to the old guy’s house. As I drove up, his truck started to move like he was leaving, driving toword me as I was driving into the driveway. I stopped him and told him “Hey, I bought you something” He was disturbed and said “Baby I have to go?” I saw he was alone and asked where and why.

He said that “she eaved dropped on what you and I said yesterday (the second day he had come over, but that was NOT possible for her to have eavesdropped so not sure why he said this, confusion, her pretending to have evesdropped or what!)

anyway he went on and said that “they have some warrants out for her, just stupid stuff, drunk and disorderly and such, why can’t they just leave us alone”

I’m just driving up the road to check and see if they are coming to try to get her. I ahve to hurry.”

So I said, well, let me just run this frozen food into the house so it doeesn’t melt, and he said “I’ll take it just go on, she gets upset when she’s drunk and she’s drunk all the time”

I wouldn’t let that go so went into the house and she was cooking and acted glad to see me and said “Ah, you shouldn’t have brought that” and I said “just being neighborly” and saw a big bottle of booze on the table (bought with my money of course) so I took my bag and went back out and left.

Called the cops on the way out and spoke to my friend the dispatcher and told her what was going on, I had gotten the Meth ho’s name while I was there—so anyway, son D. guarded the north end of the road and I guarded the south end until the cops had time to get there then we both went our separate ways and not sure what happened as I just got home—but will find out.

I’m glad I called the cops, because I think that woman reminds me of that one they are going to execute tonight in Virginia. I interfered but I’m glad I did, and yea,” it waddn’t nun of my bidness” but If that b1atch had hurt my elderly neighbor I wouldn’t have been able to stand myself. If it was just a matter of taking advantage of him financially it would have been one thing, but that old man was AFRAID of her this morning. And I think he had good reason to be afraid.

I’ve had problems getting OUT of his house, but never had problems getting him to want me to come IN to his house.

Let’s all light a candle for the execution tonight–I’m normally not in favor of the death penalty but in this case, there’s NO doubt she did it, and no doubt she deserves it in my opinion.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

oxy – glad you are looking out for your neighbor. hopefully this will free him of her.

HI, I just got back on line as D had the air card.

Talked to the old man’s daughter and got the skinny on the METH HO and the charges were SERIOUS but we don’t know HOW SERIOUS this time, so next step is to keep her from making bail. So I’ll call the DA in the morning and see if I can get him to REQUEST more bail.

This woman is a flight risk for sure and I can testify to that.

Apparently some Nigerian scam artist took all the old man’s money and all he could get together—so hopefully he won’t be able to make bail for her. Just going to have to see what I can do to help his daughter to help him if it can be done. I think he is about certifiable or close to it.

These BUZZARDS come in and don’t even wait for the poor old people to die before they start trying to suck the life out of them.

Well, I’m glad that the Ox Drover saddled up and rode out with her posse of one to to hold the fort til the law could get here and get that SKANK out of the neighborhood and into jail where she belongs.

YOu know, my P son is right! I am nothing but a SNITCHIN’ BITCH! And I’m right proud of it!!! TOWANDA FER ME!!!!! And everyone else who is able to get the upper hand even once in a while! I couldn’t save my own egg donor but maybe I can help his daughter help this old man!

Oxy…..did the daughter know about this skank?

What a waste of life!!!! And to a vulnerable old man!!!!

Is there something wrong with a SNITCHIN BITCH?
I always thought of that as a compliment! 🙂
(Anything ending in BITCH!)

The daughter knew about the skank but just like with my egg donor she hit a brick wall. Daddy wouldn’t talk to her or let her in the house. Dtr did know details about the PARTIES that were going on there on the weekends-=–wonder how much stuff is missing?

OH, well, gotta go to bed, got to get up early and call DA and see when she is going for BAIL,. got to get the bail HIGHER and make sure grandpa can’t raise the bail!

Keep me and the family in your prayers.

Well just got off the phone with the DA’s office, new twit on the phone, I did NOT go through the phone and strangle her but boy did I want to!!!! Anyway, called the sheriff’s office back and found that there is another warrant from out of the county on the skank so they will come get her….one of the local counts is “failure to appear” so hopefully she won’t get bailed out or paid out before The other county comes and gets her.

Well, will see what we can do to keep her out, but in the meantime. I don’t have to go to town today, no bail hearing!

Hehadme39,

Reading the comments here I got confused and had to go back and read your letter to ensure I was still in the right thread. I find it disturbing and disrespectful the way the comments go off onto personal talks unrelated to the story or letter. Sorry, but I think there needs to be a separate forum for these conversations – they are valuable but take away from the post. I’m sure it must be heartbreaking for Hehadme39 to come here expecting help and replies and finding comments that have nothing to do with her letter. This seems to happen over and over again; if there was a ‘open’ type thread people could meet up there and continue these talks.

Back to the letter…

I have seen success against this type of thing. Sadly I think a lot depends on the judge.

From the case I saw I think the key thing is not to show anger or anything in court that could be mis contrued. Being upset, crying, puzzled is okay. Appearing beat down, crushed is okay. Appearing to be calm is okay. Heated emotions, anger, outrage, exasperation is not. You’d think the judges would only look at the evidence – they do not. They are judging your behaviour in court too.

Poke that psychopath, have all your facts, back them up with example after example. Smother him in details and show that his statements are not credible.

If you can destroy his credibility in the eyes of the court you are a long way ahead.

I assume he is defending himself?

Hehadme,

**** This is important ! ****

You will never win by defending yourself. Wars are not won by playing defense. You must go on offense.

I know this sounds harsh, but I wish someone had told me this when I was defending myself against my ex in court. I foolishly thought that I was taking the high ground by not attacking him. I foolishly thought that the truth would come out in court and that it would be patently obvious to everyone that he was a liar and an abuser. I was wrong.

The legal system, in my experience, further victimizes victims. That would be you. The lawyers don’t care about justice, only about taking your money. They are happy for the business and are happy to drag it out as long as possible.

I have seen a VERY few decent judges, but most that I have seen, probably have personality disorders of their own. Many of them have axes to grind and will take out their frustrations on you.

The only way to deal with a sociopathic attacker, is to counter-attack. This probably goes against your nature but you have to do it.

If you try to compromise, if you try to act like a rational adult, if you show any glimmer of sympathy or understanding, a sociopath will see that as a weakness and will pounce on that to further exploit and victimize you.

Please take this seriously.

Remember, if someone attacks you, defrauds you, abuses you, you owe him NOTHING. You have no obligation to understand him. You have no obligation to sympathize. You have no obligation to forgive.

If you can’t help but feel sorry for him, think of it this way: If you “go easy” on him, that will just encourage him and teach him that once again he got away with bad behavior. This will just fuel more bad behavior. Even if you cut off all contact, he will be out there looking for his next victim. So if you need to feel sympathy for someone, feel it for that next victim and do what you can to stop him now.

One more piece of advice – If you have a friend or family member who understands the situation, keep her informed and have her go to court with you if possible. The support is a real help. But if your family and friends do not understand, they will make the situation worse. (If possible, educate them until they do understand.)

Good luck to you and God bless. Stay strong.

One more point to remember: If you are playing defense, the only outcomes are that you lose or break even.

Speakout;

I am thankful for the “chatter” on this site. It often restores me to normalcy. I am in awe of the folks who make up this community of survivors. And because it is a real community of real folks sometimes there is straying from the subject but always, always, after the new person is greeted, welcomed and given some of the most amazing advise I have ever heard.

Laughter is healing, as well as companionship. This is what I appreciate about Love Fraud. There is strength in numbers and we huddle together to keep warm. So much coldness out there.

God Bless!

Dear Nottakingitanymore,

Your advice is RIGHT on to HeHadMe!!!! We must not just hunker in a corner trying to deflect “incoming bombs”—we need to shoot back at the very least unless we can “get the heck out of dodge.”

It is better, I think to RETREAT and get away IF WE CAN, but there are times we cannot outrun them and we have to STOP and FIGHT!

I have a pair of large (mammoth) horse-sized donkeys, correctly called Asses. They are much much smarter than a horse and will not blindly run from something that scares them, but will run a ways if frightened but then STOP, ASSESS the situation, and see 1) do they need to keep on running? 2) if so, in what direction to safely run, and 3) should they turn and fight?

Where a horse will BLINDLY flee from anything that frightens it, and run through fences, trees or break leg, an ass is much more careful of its OWN WELFARE ABOVE ALL ELSE and will fight or flee depending on the situation.

There’s an article here about “why I am becoming an A.S.S.” that I wrote a while back (ASS=Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath.)

I have some photos of a mule (half ass, half horse, but more like an ass) that was being ridden by a man when it was attacked by a cougar, the photos show the mule KILLING the cougar and when it was dead, it knelt on top of it just for good measure. The man’s dogs were cowering in the background of the photo.

Adamsrib,

I agree with you about the sense of community here and the threads I think are kind of like a “conversation” which from time to time gets distracted or “chases rabbits” but is inclusive of everyone in the group! I also agree that you are right, a chuckle or a laugh or even some dark humor sometimes is my salvation.

Oxy, A.S.S…..love it. I like to think of it like this: I am growing a spath bone….or an ass bone, well you get it.

Got a corned beef simmering in the pot for my GK’s lunch. They’ve never had it, and felt I had to contribute a little to their culteral heretage…so, hope they like it.

Proud of you for the weight loss…4 pounds. You go girl!

Kimmie,

I make my own home made corn beef, marinate it in the refrigerator in the brine for 21 days, turning each day and with pickling spices in it, but just finished one, but with my feet swelling now I need to lay off the extra salt. I actually boiled this last one twice with fresh water each time to get more of the salt out (and some of the best of the taste I think!) I love salty things! But will just have to limit it.

I’m trying to get creative with my food plans now and for breakfast I made mini-pizzas with english muffin, tomato sauce, thin onion slices, thin tomato slices, and cheeze in toaster oven. VERY FILLING and less than 250 calories.

At least my belly is not SCREAMING STARVATION like it was and I actually feel much better (not bloated) with the loss of the 4 pounds, but I think it may be that my blood sugar is more balanced as I am eating 3 times a day instead of A) only once or B) continually LOL

hehadme39

I really feel for you. I am not as well spoken as some on here are but my heart goes out to you. I don’t have much
advice to give you as I am in the smack dab in the middle of the craziness with my n husband. I will say he always tells me in a smart ass/mean way, “you know you can’t win”. I finially, after 22 years, hear him. He has always really truely meant that our realationship is about him winning and ME losing. I say that to tell you, hard solid prove against him is what you need to do.. Attack him with all you have and
never ever defend yourself against him. I am not as wise as Oxy and others here so if they find this advice a bit off go with what they have to say. Huggs.

Dear Justus5,

Baby doll this is the last warning for you before I boink you with the skillet!!!! QUOTE “I am not as wise as oxy and others here….” THAT IS NOT TRUE!!! And you are NOT allowed to say untrue stuff here, especially about yourself! (((Hugs))))

Now you write 500 times and turn in before school is out tomorrow:

“I am as wise as I want to me, I am as strong as I will be!”

If you survived 22 years with that creep, you ARE STRONG so don’t you try to convince me or anyone else you aren’t! LOL

YOU CAN WIN by not letting him hurt you any more! ((((Hugs)))) Just keep on keeping on one day at a time, learning a little each day. I still have bad hard days and so will we all, but we can overcome it! We WILL!!!! God bless. YOU are in my prayers! God always gives us DOUBLE ANSWERS when we pray for others so I know you are going to be fine!!!!

Justus5,

I agree with OxDrover – you are priceless, having much wisdom to pass on to others. Don’t discount yourself. We don’t! We’re all in the same boat, being able to learn from each other.

Good advice as always on here, I just want to repeat the “don’t trust the lawyers to win your case”. The legal system has lost my case records, people didn’t show up in court, the judge wasn’t given evidence he should have seen…YOU make sure you have the originals or copy of EVERYTHING. Lawyers have lots of clients especially single moms with no money, they don’t spend the time on us they would if they knew the big bucks were coming in. You are just a client to them, you are NOTHING to the judge. You are EVERYTHING to your family and friends and deserve to be treated with respect, not abuse. Make sure your lawyer has everything before you go to trial, SEE it, don’t let them fob you off, heck, you are paying them. You can always tell them you just have to check because you knew someone who lost their case because the judge didn’t get all the evidence. (Not my lawyers fault. Silly people, they thought the legal system worked!) Take all your backup evidence with you.

Oxy, count me in as a member of A.S.S. I agree, and I’ve had some smart horses, but asses think more (unlike two legged ones). Besides, I can’t resist those lovely long ears. Now, if you could have crossed my buckskin mustang with a smart mule, you would have the perfect equine!

I can see convincing the landlord now…”What? No, that’s just my service dog, well, yeah he’s kind of big but that’s just the breed he is, oh yeah, and he barks funny too, had a throat injury as a pup…his feet? Oh, you mean his paw covers. The vet had them specially made because his pads tend to crack and get infected…well yeah, he DOES look something like a horse (ha ha) but so do Chinese Crested, he’s part Chinese Crested yeah! Uh huh! Don’t know what the other parts are, but it was obviously something BIG, huh! Oh…watch out……….sorry about your salad, but you know some dogs just go crazy for carrots……

The only puma I know is friendly, but maybe I could train him to sit on a sociopath on command! Oooooh I like that image. Wish we could put images on here! I’m going to do a cartoon with a big fat mule sitting down, looking back over his shoulder and grinning. A few flattish arms and legs are sticking out from under him. How about that for a logo for A.S.S.?

Oxy and bluejay,

Thank you. Oxy I will write my sentences once I get my eight year old to write his and get all of them to bed. (:

Romantic fool,

Hey GF you are NO FOOL! I think that is the greatest LOGO EVER!!!

A couple of years ago we started planning a “Love fraud” party, and we designed “costumes” If I remember correctly they were rubber hip wader boots, yellow and black striped leggings and tu-tus and Henry was going to wear a rubber skillet as a hat, and I have my pheasant-feather-ass hat that I bought to wear when I ride the donkeys. Looks cool as heck! LOL and we were going to do a chorus line dance. It got sillier and silllier as time went on but we were having so much fun imagining each other singing and dancing! Sometimes silly is great! LOL

I can just SEE that Logo and it makes me smile.

I have a piece of old gray barn wood up over my front door and it has a lettered sign that says KICKIN ASS FREIGHT COMPANY with a cut out-looking thing of a bucking jack ass on each end.

My studio has a sign that I made that says “Sow’s Ear Art Studio” on a plaque with a cartoon of a really UGLY pig’s face with one floppy ear! I have a kind of weird sense of humor—that and two cats with 7 toes on each front and 6 on each back foot and of course Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, my babies!

And yes, they do BARK FUNNY!!!! Especially when Fat gets into the yard across the cattle guard and poor old Hairy who hasn’t figured it out yet, stands on the pasture side and BARKS to Fat to “commmmmmeeee backkkkk, I’m lonely!” When they are together though, all the do is wrestle, bite and kick at each other! But boy, don’t separate them they can’t stand to be apart! They will tolerate a horse for company if they have to, but horses prefer to be with horses if possible and donkeys too. Mules, though, prefer to be with mares, I guess because their mothers were mares, but they are more like donkeys than they are horses as far as attitude and smarts are concerned. Much smarter than horses and won’t hurt themselves or let you work them to death like a horse would.

I have a horse too now, but she usually stays with the boarder horses unless there are none here, then she associates with the “boys” (or the USTA-be boys, they are not truly boys any more!)
Nothing nastier than an intact jack ass except a buck goat so got that problem fixed before I bought them home! LOL Wish we could castrate some of the 2 legged kind. Might make them better pets! I read an article today about a guy with like 23 kids from 14 women who had never paid child support and the judge put his sorry butt in jail. The mother of 4 of the kids that he lived with (he had never had a job BTW) said he was working on being a BETTER DAD! Does that mean more kids? He had at least 1 kid every year by different women, except one year he had 3 kids by different women.

Can we stay this guy is probably a psychopath? DUH! At least he is in jail for a while. One of the mothers said, “yea, now my tax dollars are supporting him!” LOL Said all he ever did for “my kids was give them a life of poverty.” (head shaking here) At least he won’t be fathering kids while he’s in jail.

Why do so many women have unprotected sex with this kind of creep and get a baby? Doesn’t make sense to me. He wasn’t even that good looking? (head shaking again)

Dear Justus5,

Good luck with the 8 year old!~ LOL I know it is tough trying to keep your chin up, but darling don’t beat your self up over this. If we kept on beating ourselves up for being human, we would never have time to do anything else. We are learning better now and so we will DO BETTER now.

We all have to learn and the way we learn is to try, and sometimes we don’t get it right, but we keep on trying until we do! so you be GOOD and KIND to yourself—be as good to yourself as you would be to a friend! (((hugs))))

Nottakingit:
Great advice……we learn when weve been in the fire!

Romantic:
You too girl! We must work our own case…..use the attorney as a legal tool……
We must receive ALL documents, filings, motions and rulings and keep them organized. Keep copies of everything you give your attorney, and review it regularly. KNOW YOUR CASE and drive it!

Justus5:
Girl…..great advice-you are very wise…..one thing….listen to your own advice!
Don’t ever allow another human to degrade you as you have.
Find the value in yourslef. You have so much to offer!
Protect yourself and don’t allow yourself to be beaten down…….PLEASE!!!

I am so proud of our LF community……as shiatty as it’s been for us……LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE AT! Look at all this great advice…..
YOU GO LF”ERS!!!!!

Oxy, I changed my name to romanticfool no more, but it still shows up without the change.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am coming up on an anniversary next month and I have something really important to celebrate.

I FORGOT WHICH DAY HE LEFT ME, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT WHETHER IT’S 4 YEARS OR 5!!!!!!!

YES!!!! I have finally gotten to the point where he is so far out of my life the day of infamy no longer is stuck in my mind. I can remember if I try, because it was the day his mother died, and she was important to me. But I feel not one tiny need to remember. You know what AD and BC means, well I thought of my life as AK and BK (his first initial is K. I just use X because that’s what he is….a factor, not a real person.). Now I’m living in the present. FINALLY for the first time in my life. Right here, right now, I’m safe, comfortable and have nothing worse than a few bills looming…which I have the money for. My new therapist got me on a behavior training program group that is really working, the kitten looks like she will shape up into a good service animal when she gets over her “teen” months.

I feel a bit like an ASS myself, and its a good thing! I have the four domestic cats and the serval, but I think a guardian ass would be cool!

My mustang was a really smart horse, he LOVED donkeys and mules. He once got uncontrollable during a parade because someone had a mule there and he wanted to visit! He always got too full of himself during parades anyway, the showoff! He was older than I was by about 10 years, we both knew he was the boss! Most the time that meant he protected me, but boy, when his interests and mine ran separate ways it was a major clash of wills and his strength against my stubbornness. He won much more often than I ever let my Dad know. Dang, even the horse knew I was a sucker from childhood on up.

My friend has a zony and a zonkey. Zebra and pony or donkey mix. They are both intelligent, but the zony would bite you if you weren’t careful when she first came. The zonkey is a much nicer animal. Zebras for the most part tend to be temperamental, although she had one that was an absolute doll. Sadly he died suddenly, she was going to use him as a stud because he was so sweet.

Some guys should be neutered, no doubt. One guy I knew said how much he missed his son and he was cleaning up his act because he was going to get custody of his son, taking him away from his unsafe druggy mother. How sweet, until I learned he was wanted in the next state for having a daughter with a 16 year old and had at least 4 other children scattered around that he never paid a dime on or visited. The “I live for my little boy who I haven’t gotten to see for two years” actually translated into, “I was in jail and I only care about myself, but since you are clearly a person who loves her child I’ll prey on your sympathies by pretending I want to be a good father.” There’s another guy with P behavior, although since he was an addict it’s a bit hard to tell. While at the time I was still in my relationship and didn’t know the traits, I did know enough to kick him out of my life as soon as I caught him lying. He’s another one who should have been drowned at birth. We were talking about warning in another thread, several of us who caught on warned our other friends, but they listened to him! How do they do that, you’ve been friends with someone for ten years and never lied to them, these people know them for a few weeks and your friends believe THEM. I swear, our society, or maybe the whole human race has a chemical imbalance! Guy has prison tats and is an admitted addict and a background of jail since he was a kid, but hey! He’s soooo sincere! Hard to be sympathetic when they come back moaning about how much money he weaseled out of them, and I did say “I told you so, sheesh!” that time. He wasn’t good looking either, but he had tons of charm before the rot set in.

Romantic:
Thats a great thing! We only need to remember the good in our lives…..not any bad ‘anniversary’s’.
I ‘missed’ my wedding anniversary this year…..funny because I nagged it for 18 years…..then it didn’t matter anymore……

So…..keep moving forward. I like that your back on the financial upmove……as I read that, I pictured myself in that place ‘one day’.
I’m a bit tired of the money pit.
I spoke to a realtor today about selling my house or at least my options……..maybe even just walking away.
I’m moving in that direction……not sure I want the headache anymore….and if we moved into my ‘tiny’ rental…..well…..a mortgage of 250 monthly sure would be a nice change.
If I walk away from house….I will walk from my CC debt too…..if my credit is shot…..mayaswell just kill it altogether! 🙂

Decisions, decisions……..

ErinBrock-
Try to find a Realtor who does not specialize in upper bracket properties. You want to speak with someone who might have empathy for your situation. Call up a real estate office and ask to speak with a “short sale” specialist. I’m probably biased, but a single parent, who knows how short sales work, is more likely to empathize with what you’re trying to accomplish…debt relief…and work hard to put an acceptable sale together.

Times are ruff for a lot of homeowners. Some just turn in the keys and walk away. Others negotiate with their lenders to accept a reduced loan pay off…that is called a “short sale”.

Also, learn what your rights might be. Different rules apply to different types of mortgages.

I have not sold real estate in the past few years, so please verify what the current rules might be. A knowledgeable realtor will know.

Rules over 4 years ago were:
Even if you failed to pay your monthly mortgage payments, you could continue to live in your home for up to a year (FHA financing). After 6 months of non-payment…then there will be a sheriff’s sale. The property will be sold to the highest bidder (usually the bank). The sheriff’s sale is not final because your name would still be recorded on the deed. You’ll then have another 6 months redemption period to refinance your loan, or sell the property to someone else, or walk away.

The time frame was shorter with Conventional financing. Depending upon the state where you reside, private financing rules will vary.

Good luck!

Imconfused:
Thanks for the guidance.
I can’t list the property currently because I’m in suspended foreclosure and have applied for a modification…..it’s the pigeon hole of the lenders.
If I hadn’t of applied for a mod. I could shortsale……but I’m in stall mode currently.
One of my gf’s and hubby are agents, they do shortsales. They’ve held my hand through this all…..and DO have great empathy.
Funny how this all works……I think I start thinking in a ‘direction’ for self preservation…..disconnecting from the overwhelming, if I don’t have control.
So……as soon as the words came out of my mouth…..yesterday, I get a call from the lender…..my ‘contact’ in the executive offices…..SO……she is ioptimistic….but I layed it out for her, told her I required better communications from them/her….and why.
In the beginning she was very stand offish……I was able to ‘bring’ her back around to a compassionate stance about my situation. hopefully to pay more attention to my file…..gotta grab from somewhere to make my file stay on top….getting reviewed.
In the end, she got personal, she said….she’d pray for me and keep in touch weekly via email, and started giving me info she didn’t ‘have’ to . She also said, their latest request was illegal and she would review my file and see if indeed they need more info or updated info. I submit a NEW packet about every 2 months. Same packet….same info…..I told her, I don’t mind submitting changing info….like P&L’s or bank statements…..but isn’t it a bit redundant to submit my divorce decree and tax returns and affidavits and prop tax’s etc….duplicated/triplicated every two months???? She agreed. I said, to streamline this process……wouldn’t it be better to only submit CHANGING info?

So…….for now….I’m here…..who knows where i’ll be in 6 months. I’ve been working with them for TWO years now on this stupid modification……it’s Ridiculous!!!!!

Thanks again…..

EB look for that NYTimes article today about foreclosures, it might give you some ideas.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

EB – not the praying type, but you sure are in my good thoughts…for a big change a coming!

One:
Your good thoughts are appreciated! Thanks darlen!

I’ve come to the conclusion…..what will be will be….the ‘universe’ will lead me to whatever will be. I will do my due diligence…..but can’t force square pegs into round holes.
So….whatever!

Personally, today was a fantastic day…..my kids took me on a fantastic boat ride on the lake this afternoon, then friends over for champagne, made an appearance at the homecoming game…..then on to friends for a b-day celebration……
That was fantastic! It’ makes whatever shiat I am challenging small beans….it was all put in perspective today.
I have a lot of people that care about me…..and love me……
My gf’s are trying to set me up with a guy I have NO interest in……and keep telling me to be open minded….I told them my open mind got me to ‘today’……so….NO….i’m not interested in ‘fixing’ anyone buy myslef!!!!
There really are great peeps in the world….and when it’s our time…..that’s when they rear up.
Life will give me what it will….when it will…..all of us….
So, we must be open to deciding for ourselves, what is best and the best timeing.

For now…..i’m happy….content and loved…..what more can I ask for?!!

XXOO
EB

one/joy_step_at_a_time

EB – there is surviving and fighting, and then there is the lightness of life coming back – and you are there now. 🙂

learning to let go is a big deal; it changes everything. i think that will be my guiding light today -i’ll practice letting go.

my blood pressure is really high and i am going in for a heart stress test soon. i can feel my bp go up and down during the day. had to go see a allopath to get the tests ordered…she is such a challenge. it’s been 24 hours and i am still pissed with her. I am working on letting it go, AND on breaking it down, because i will talk to her the about her attitude the next time i go in. plainly and simply. i try to avoid allpathic dos – they tend to be dismissive when they don’t have ‘the answers’ – and with my chemical sensitivities this one surely doesn’t have any answers.

i spent much of my life trying to ‘be open’, see that there are many sides. suckah. i have given too many disordered, dysfunctional and just plain bad mannered and unaware people the benefit of the doubt. but i need to feel grounded when i don’t give the benefit of the doubt now, and to challenge them (or walk away) as needed. I don’t wnat to live barricaded behind the ‘keep everyone out’ wall. My goal is to be able to learn to deal with these people, and to do it in ways that affirm me and MY perception, without feeling like an arrogant git.

when the good of our lives is largest enough to contain the bad, we are in balance.

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