It has been almost exactly 9 years since my life as I knew it ended with the arrest of my ex-husband. I can say I am a “survivor,” but my life will never be what it would have been had this not happened. In the wake of Barry Lichtenthal, many people have been permanently damaged. Perhaps the best marker of a sociopath is the number of broken and wounded who fall on the paths of their lives. But I am lucky, as are the rest of those who survive life shared with a sociopath free of bodily damage.
I have come to understand that the bodily damage that sociopaths inflict is both direct and indirect. George Hartwig’s story gives us an example of both. It also causes us to pause and think about the issues of justice and recovery.
Before she was really mature enough to know better, Denise Richardson made the mistake of marrying George Hartwig. She then suffered years of physical and emotional torment, the stress from which I believe contributed to her early death from cancer. There are many, many victims for whom the stress of emotional abuse at the hands of a sociopath has caused physical illness- from cancer to infection to cardiovascular disease. Many victims thus die from their tragic relationship choices. Those who inflicted the stress that contributed to the deaths are never charged with a crime, and yet they, in a sense, commit murder. Sociopaths whose torment leads victims to suicide also commit murder.
The impact of George Hartwig on Denise Richardson and her family went even further. Following an argument with Denise’s mother, George shot Denise’s sister Louisa Rodas in the face; she lost an eye and she remains permanently brain damaged. Yesterday, Hartwig, now age 43, was sentenced to a 20-year term for the attempted murder of Louisa, and a consecutive 10-year term for the attempted murder of Rodas’ brother, Thomas Richardson. He must serve nearly 26 years before he can be considered for parole. Judge DeAvila-Silebi, also imposed a $100,000 fine and said she will hold a hearing on whether Hartwig, who may have received a settlement from a worker’s compensation claim, can make the payment.
Read: Lodi man gets 30 years for shooting sister-in-law in the face, on NorthJersey.com.
Denise and Louisa’s mother, BettyJean Downing- Kling, maintains a website, and posted the following on her blog, George Hartwig gets 30 years for shooting sister-in-law in the face:
DV Justice at last:
ON behalf of my daughters and their sons — I ask interested persons send letters to the Judge thanking her for her sentencing in the following case. Judge DeAvila-Silebi handed down a most fair sentence citing Domestic Violence statistics as her major consideration in making her final decision along with the testimony and guilty pleas of the defendant. It is apparent, this jurist sentenced George Hartwig to the full extent of the law within the bounds of the law, and she is to be commended for her careful, honest and thoughtful consideration of domestic violence and taking brutal offenders off the streets and refusing to fall for the defendants and his attorney’s arguments of mitigating circumstances. This Judge knows her business and we certainly need more of her on the bench all across this nation!
I, too, am glad that Hartwig received the toughest sentence possible, but why should this small modicum of justice be some unusual event that has us all writing thank you notes to the judge? Is there really any sentence here that would be considered “just” by any thinking person?
In my opinion, it is too late for justice in this case. Justice was only possible years ago when the abuse first happened, or maybe even earlier when Hartwig first manifested his disorder.
Sadly, often recovery is as incomplete as justice. What kind of life will BettyJean and her family have now that this case is finally “over”? We all wish them the most peace and happiness they can find, but we know life will not be the same as it would have been if they had never met George Hartwig.
I am overwhelmed by so much here: Hartwig’s evil, the Richardson’s suffering and BettyJean’s fortitude and courage.
Bless you both, BettyJean and Louisa. I wish you both continuing strength and well being. BettyJean, you are beyond amazing, to have survived all of this and you keep on fighting.
Thank you Dr. Leedom and Donna for this powerful post.
“There are many, many victims for whom the stress of emotional abuse at the hands of a sociopath has caused physical illness- from cancer to infection to cardiovascular disease. Many victims thus die from their tragic relationship choices. Those who inflicted the stress that contributed to the deaths are never charged with a crime, and yet they, in a sense, commit murder. ”
Yes, I completely agree.
“In my opinion, it is too late for justice in this case. Justice was only possible years ago when the abuse first happened, or maybe even earlier when Hartwig first manifested his disorder.”
Yes.
Blessings to BettyJean and Louisa.
Skylar
A lot of what you say about your ex is similar to my ex-I was married for 22 years.
There are differences of course, but some of the similaries are quite uncanny.
I also see him in some other LF’s posts but yours come the nearest in a lots of ways.
I am sorry to have hijacked the blogg but I have a burning need to know the answer to this question. Just a bit of processing I need to get over once and for all.
Why do they hate us–and why do they hide it over a long period of time? In my case six years. I have no money or assets.
I just don’t feel like searching all over the board for the answer. I need a veterans point of view NOW.
Some short, sharp shock treatment.
Thanks
STJ
xxx
Betty Jean
As a mum of three I can’t imagine how I would cope if this happened to me.
I admire and honour your courage.
My prayers are with you and your family.
STJ
xxx
STJ,
Gosh there are so many ways to describe it that an entire book could be written on just that subject! I’ll try to just explore one layer.
It’s like they are incomplete human beings.
So they want to “be” us, whom they see as having something they don’t. In a way, they want to trade places with us. They want us to feel all the toxic shame that they have buried, so they slime us with it. And they want to “be” us because they imagine that our lives are without pain compared to theirs. My spath said, “you live the life of Riley.” and “Living is easy with eyes closed.” His voice was venomous with disgust toward me when he said these things out of the blue. He envied my innocence, which he himself had protected for 25 years, then he took it away.
Rene Girard says that the scapegoat mechanism arose along side with the domestication of animals. These animals were bred to be docile and often considered part of the family. They are treated as members in some peripheral way, such as giving them names and affection. Then they are killed to appease the gods and protect the family from violence.
So in case you missed the parallel, I was kept innocent and docile, protected and cherished, then I was slandered, accused, abused and he intended to kill me, just like the sacrificial goat. Actually he hoped I’d kill myself, then the responsibility would be mine, and I would have taken that responsibility willingly. That’s the best kind of scapegoat, the kind that marches up the aztec pyramid willingly! It makes for such a dramatic effect! But since he was going to make it look like suicide, it would have worked just the same, because the truth doesn’t matter, only what others BELIEVE is the truth, matters to a spath.
So in essence, they want us to feel their toxic shame, feel ashamed, want to die and kill ourselves. This is cathartic for them somehow.
It seems to me that it might be cathartic because they get to watch the emotions (which they are unaware that they have) being acted out on the stage (of life).
Or according to Girard, it serves the function of allowing them to not feel responsible. Spaths can’t stand to be responsible. They always say, “she deserved it.” or “he had it coming.” When they believe this, they feel catharsis and there is peace – until they feel bad again. They need to hate us so that they can believe in our guilt. When we were arguing once, I called him a name, and his response was, “keep calling me that because I need to hear it so I can hate you more.”
The tells were numerous. It was like living in a myth.
I posted an excerpt from this website:
http://www.selfpsychologypsychoanalysis.org/mollon.shtml
for Coping. I don’t know if you saw it. It was about narcissistic rage. There is another section, about toxic shame, which I thought was incredibly insightful.
this was written by Phil Mollen PhD.
I added the bold type.
I think when your spath raped you this was his intent. He negated you as a person during an act in which you should have been cherished. His intent was to spread his toxic shame on you. He wanted to slime you by taking away your innocence and making you feel his shame.
Sorry so long. The one consistent factor in everything about spaths, is that everything is paradoxical. That’s what causes the cog/dis and makes us twist our minds into pretzels to “get” it.
BettyJean,
Thank you for perservering. I am sure it took a substantial toll on you and your family.
The way these events impact us physically do not come only from the Ps. They come from the police who do not believe us, the people who label us crazy or unstable, the incompetent or untrained who evaluate us, the ignorant who judge us, and on it goes.
Somebody told me that alcoholics look like Hell’s Angels members and their spouses all look like Sunday school teachers because they’re working so hard at making everything look perfect or trying to stop the insanity. The stress on the body that kind of effort must impose.
What happens is that they stuff their feelings by literally stuffing themselves with food. I don’t know if there has been any research done, but hand-in-hand with the biker/Sunday school teacher image is a domineering man with an obese wife. I suspect the image is true in many cases.
Only three women showed up in court for the judge’s ruling? That’s a shame. I wonder how many people have given up when judges keep returning children to abusive situations?
It was a victory, but we have so much more to go.
Thank you again, Betty Jean, for your efforts.
BettyJean;
“have we given up”
I can answer that……NO!
A bow to you for your tenacity…..as a mother, as a citizen as an advocate for survivors.
I know you will continue to fight for DV survivors and victims……In the name of your daughter and what she endured and continues to go through.
She is lucky to have a mother with such balls and the vision to get things done!!! WE ARE ALL FORTUNATE!
A BIG KUDO”S to you darlen!!!
It does take the squeeky door……it always has, and it seems to be….always will.
KEEP SQUEEKING GIRL!!!!
XXOO
EB
Skylar thanks.
That’s what I felt. He was trying to destroy my innocence and he succeded.
Sudden rages started happening without a cause. He once called me a toilet during one. I was shell shocked. I remember the first few months after I threw him out–I walked about with my head down too scared to make eye contact with people. I felt that they would know what had happened to me by just looking at me.
I remember reading one of your posts that said yours had a stepford wife fantasy. Mines did too. It was like he was trying to brainwash me to take these roles that he thought would satisfy him. I wouldn’t allow myself to get moulded and I kept challenging him on it. This deeply hurt me as his ideal was nothing like the real me. I was totally dehumanised.
This is when he became brutal towards me calling me food. He lost it totally and I ran for my life. It became clear that he wanted me to commit suicide also.
I know you are right. They are incomplete. Ten years ago after he had counselling (now I think back he probably didn’t attend after the first visit) he said to me with a bitter tone. ‘Your complete-aren’t you’. I hadn’t a clue what he meant and I just said I suppose so.
But it stuck in my mind.
Skylar thanks for replying. I hope you don’t mind if I pick your brains if I get stuck. If so let me know and I won’t.
Thanks again
STJ
xxx
BettyJean, thank you so much for your courage and my most healing thoughts and prayers go to you and your family. It is unfortunate that “justice” is something that is a rare event, these days – Courts are overflowing with the collateral damages of sociopathy, and it seems that there is no more shock or horror at what is perpetrated, anymore.
Thank you, Dr. Leedam, for this post. My feeling is that the Courts would be far less busy if there were true consequences rendered. And, I mean “TRUE” consequences. Workman’s compensation award and there’s some question as to whether or not these funds can be attached? Hundred thousand dollar “fine” for destroying so many lives? REALLY?! How is the price of any one life calculated, anyway? Is there some sort of formula that adds up the values of the victim(s) and subtracts other aspects to provide an equitable amount? Sorry for the rant, but it just makes me wonder….
Brightest blessings.
BettyJean,
I’ve been thinking about this that you said:
Only three women showed up in court by our side yesterday and the courtroom should have been full. What message did that send? It told me that my fight and struggle was worth it and yet so many women missed the opportunity to see DV justice hich to date has been so damned rare.
I wonder if the reason there weren’t more is because those who are OUT of the DV situation are working for a living, trying to support themselves and their kids and not able to get off work during the middle of the day to come to a court hearing?
I know that now when funerals are held during the week during the working hours there are so many fewer people show up. It seems to be that with people working, they can’t get “Leave” to go to a funeral unless it is a close relative (mother, father, sib, or grandparent) so people who would like to be there, unless retired are unable to go. I can imagine that it might be difficult for women to get off work to go to the court. Maybe this is part of why you had so few people there.
OxD, good point, but it may be something even more simple: people are afraid to take a stand, anymore. They have tried to stand up for themselves, to no avail, and they are afraid to invest the time and emotions in what they might believe to be a demonstration of support that won’t make a difference.
The exspath had me arrested for DV and then had the case dismissed at the Criminal hearing before it was even heard. The DV “system” is broken to such a degree that isolated episodes are taken to the mat as violent offenses, and chronic and habitual offenders have fingers wagged in their faces and told to “stop it” without any true consequences for their actions.
I don’t know the answer to any of this. I only know that it doesn’t make sense.