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By | March 23, 2012 95 Comments

Don’t quit in the middle of the lesson

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)

Someone posted one of those “signs” on my Facebook page today that everyone forwards and shares, which I call “one-sentence wisdom or humor” but this one struck me as suburb wisdom.

The past is where you learned the lesson.

The future is where you apply it.

Don’t quit in the middle.

We have all had the misfortune to learn our lessons the “hard way” in associating with a psychopath (or two), but actually I think “misfortune” may be the wrong word, because learning things “the hard way” means that we will not forget those lessons. “The burned hand never forgets the fire” is another way to say it. Maybe we have actually been fortunate to escape from the psychopath when we are still able to escape, and when our “burns” were not fatal. We read in the newspapers, on the Internet, and see on television the faces of women (and men) who did not escape with their lives from associating with a psychopath.

Now that we have escaped, I think we need to apply those lessons learned in the past, to the future. We can’t quit in the middle.

Treating the wounds

While I realize that many here on Lovefraud still have open wounds, sores that are still bleeding or weeping, that are still painful to touch. The pain caused by those wounds, by the physical, financial, and emotional wounds can be horrific. Worse, still, can be the pain of treating those wounds.

I recall my son D’s burns after the plane crash. They weren’t quite severe enough for him to be hospitalized since he had a trained medical person at home, so they sent him home with me with a car load of creams and potions with minute instructions on how to cleanse and re-bandage his burns daily.

Each day I would pre-treat him with a dose of morphine to numb the pain somewhat, though he said it didn’t actually numb the pain, just made him where he didn’t care. Then I would start the process of taking off the old dressings, exposing his wounds to the open air, then wash the burns, removing the old, dead skin, then put on the creams tenderly and carefully, and then replace the bandages which went from the tip of his fingers to his shoulders and back.

I can’t even imagine just how he must have hurt, but my own empathy for him as I treated his wounds was extremely painful to me as well. I know there were many times he wanted to just “give up” and many times I wanted to as well. Just quit! It was too painful to go on treating the wounds! (Just an aside: my son’s wounds healed successfully and unless you know where to look with a magnifying lens, there are no scars visible.)

Emotional wounds

There were times I felt the same way with my emotional wounds in life. It was just too painful, I just wanted to QUIT! Anything to stop tearing the bandages off and treating the wounds again. It was too painful.

After my husband died, I was in such emotional pain that I didn’t want to do the grieving. I didn’t want to tear those bandages off and treat those wounds of my loss. It was just too painful. So I became vulnerable to the psychopaths in my life. The new boyfriend looking for a new “respectable” wife to cheat on was not a successful way to end my pain and grief. I had quit in the middle and didn’t apply lessons I had learned in the past to the future.

Associating with psychopaths leaves us with wounds of all descriptions and levels of damage. Those wounds are difficult and painful to heal, but we must not quit in the middle. Therapy is painful. We have to tear off the scabs that keep us from being able to heal and allow new growth. Whether the therapy is from a professional or is self administered, it is painful to expose our raw inner selves to the open air of examination.

Applying what we learned

When those wounds are healed, however, we must apply those lessons learned to the future of our lives. We must watch for the RED FLAGS of disordered people in the future associations of our lives, and when we see a RED FLAG, we must HONOR that red flag by running as fast as we can away from the person(s) waving it. If not, we will be burned again ”¦ and again ”¦ and again.

Our healing processes start out in learning about the psychopaths, but they end up being about learning about ourselves as well. Learning why we were vulnerable to the psychopaths in the first place. Fixing those vulnerabilities and using the knowledge we learned from our past, to make our futures better.

Don’t quit in the middle.

 

 

 

 


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20years

How do we know when we are “done” learning these lessons? It has seemed to me that the lessons come in succeeding layers, and I can “stop” at any time, if I think I’ve learned enough… or if I need to or want to take a break. Early on, I figured I was “done.” I took a break but not because I felt I needed one; it was because I thought the lesson had been learned.

As it turned out, only part of it had been learned — a very important part — but still incomplete.

I like being older because the process of life has shown me that if I’m willing, I can keep revisiting these experiences and connecting them up in interesting ways, revealing new insights and lessons.

In other words… the early lessons were about self protection (to guard against vulnerability). I needed those lessons badly! But later lessons have been about such things as forgiveness, appreciation, love, spiritual growth. I’m so glad I have hung in here this long (and survived the earlier, more dangerous period) because now instead of “running as fast as I can” AWAY from something, the positive momentum of wanting to keep learning lessons is pulling me TOWARDS something good, a more expanding and growth-oriented perspective.

I know that the experiences I’ve lived through, along with my willingness to learn from them, have brought me to the place I am at now. I think… I must still be in the middle somewhere. 🙂 Can’t wait to find out how it all turns out in the end, eh?

Truthspeak

20years, my feeling is that I’ll never be “done” as long as I’m still alive. And, I’d rather be learning and moving forward than accepting abuse and stagnating! LOL

I’m looking forward to the spiritual growth to kick in – I’ve abandoned much of what I held dear and not necessarily because I’m angry with Great Creator (or, whomever). I think I’m trying to sort out my place and all of that, and I still am not finding simple joy or rapture (or, whatever you want to call it) in the beauty of a sunset, the laughter of a baby, and the antics of Nature. I know, and truly believe, that this will redevelop into a keener understanding of how the Universe works.

Thanks for the hope for Self, 20years – something to look forward to! 😀

Truthspeak

Oh, and this is a very, very “on-time” article for me and I thank Joyce for the words of hope.

For whatever reason, I’m posting quite a bit, today, and I’m drinking in as much as I can, as well. I’m hoping that this onrush of give and take is an indication of some upcoming personal changes.

20years

Truthspeak, speaking for myself only, I have found the “anger phase” to be necessary and helpful. I have a few things to say about that… again, this is ONLY from my experience, so I can’t speak for others:

1. I think the anger phase lasts as long as it needs to. I think it is a mistake to rush through it or feel bad, ashamed or guilty in any way for being angry. Outrage is a normal and natural response to outrageous treatment. Anger is a normal and natural response to being hurt by someone who tricked us. It is a step along the way while we get stronger… it is a more empowering response than feeling the pain.

2. I have found it helpful to ask God to help me find Peace, understanding, wisdom, to simply “see things differently.” It helps me to temporarily move out of the immediate locality of my pain, maybe go to somewhere more like at the hub of the universe (!) where I can enlarge my perspective.

3. The process has not been a simple, linear progression. I go forward, I go back, forward, back. I think this is very much like peeling off layers. So whereas it seems like “backsliding” it is, actually, “going deeper” to get at the root of it. In other words… I am much lighter and more joyful these days in general (a definite trend so I know I’m “growing”), but I still have flashes of anger over remembering past experiences. These flashes are briefer and go deeper and are more quickly resolved, nowadays. I do not view them as a regression. More like an echo, or an opportunity to extend my growth and understanding.

4. Going back to build on #1, above, while I have found that anger is a stronger, more self-enabling emotion than grief or fear or shame or guilt, this is where people can and do get stuck. So… stay as long as you need to, but know that there is much, MUCH more that lies beyond this stage. Anger really is almost only just the beginning. Anger is still a negative emotion that will eventually turn itself back upon you, and end up hurting or destroying you, IMO.

5. I think we get to progress as far as we choose to, and I also think it is important to honor where we are in the process and be patient with ourselves. As well, to honor each other’s process of life and learning — it is different for each of us, and all we can ever do is cheer each other on.

Ox Drover

20 years and truthspeak, good conversation ladies! Yes, I agree we are NEVER “fully healed” so my analogy is not 100% right on, but my point really is that we can’t “think we are fully healed” because when we do think that, and quit peeling off layers, quit growing, we get into trouble.

When you throw a ball straight up, it goes up,up up, then for a second it stops—and as soon as it stops going UP it starts to fall DOWN! I too have felt I was “healed” after an encounter, a very painful one, with a psychopath, only to realize that it only made me more vulnerable to the NEXT ONE that I wanted to rescue me from further healing, further painful “dressing changes.” I QUIT IN THE MIDDLE….though I didn’t really know I was doing that.

Keep on learning

Truthspeak I like your number 3 above…good points.

BTW according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who was a researcher of the stages of grief (healing after a loss) she says that the ANGER is a STAGE of that grief, not separate from it. Denial, bargaining, sadness, anger, and acceptance, but they don’t go 1-2-3-4-5, they go in random numbers and back again until one day you sort of wake up and realize you are in #5, the acceptance stage and you have been there and not “reverted” to the earlier phases. Google her up there’s good information about healing

silvermoon

We evolve. And its not a bad thing.

The desire to keep learning and growing is so critical to recovery.
The circumstances vary, but the experiences are so much the same because of this very process.

Yet, the grieving becomes a gateway – a opening to what is beyond. It becomes something that provokes us to find courage and insight, adamant and energy that we did not have before.

And it passes into new understanding on which life can be built.

I am sorry to know what I know now. But I would not give back the knowlege.

I am different than I was then and I would not go back to who I was that made me vulnerable.

It has been a profound lesson in humility for me. Over time, I learn to think of that as its own gift.

TTFN!

survivor3

The end result of healing to me is getting to the point where I honor my life and what I’ve accomplished so as not to let anyone in that doesn’t belong, that could possibly make my life worse instead of better. I realize now that there truly was no place in my life for him, yet I allowed him in anyway.

It’s much easier for me now to recognize red flags with people and not minimize them by playing the bartering game with myself. “Well, that was a really crappy thing for him to do, but he makes me laugh all the time. Hmm, that was a very disturbing comment he made, but he was so sweet to bring me over a cup of coffee and some Fig Newtons the other day. Wow, I’m not even capable of conceiving of the things he’s capable of doing, but it’s so neat that we have the same birthday.” Not to trivialize, but I think you get my point.

Concerning anger, my favorite saying about that is “Anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Truthspeak

Wow…..excellent insights, Silvermoon and survivor3.

These are words that I can cling to when the hope of emergence is being battered by those potholes on the Road to Healing.

Truthspeak

20years, I agree with anger being an important part of the healing process. What I have a difficult time managing is the cycling between anger and despair, and this will work itself out in due time, as well.

A friend of mine sent me a really neat book for Christmas ’10 that I have referred to in recent months. She’s a practicing Quaker, which I really didn’t understand until I went to a Friends Meeting – really a very interesting and comfortable experience. At any rate, this book contains many quotes and writings by noted Quakers and there were several that dealt with anger, betrayal, fear, and despair. Each one of them points to the need to experience these feelings in order to heal and grow.

When my mind goes dark and fearful, I cling to these words and force myself to believe in hope and emergence. This, too, shall pass.

Spirit40

I have not commented in a while on any posts…what Im tired of is the spath projecting their bull crap on their victims…we all know they are sexual opportunists my ex claims he is not gay…but I’ve been told he did things for money…and he has lived on south beach for years…anyhow…Im tired of him trying to destroy myy life many times getting me fired from jobs..making it seem like Im crazy and obsessed cause he is gay…and Im abusive he is the poor victim ..he is no victim but I do have a mouth and he don’t wanna go to war with me….when I went to the cops in florida they also interogated me…he is the one with convi tions..no justice…before you judge investigate don’t speculate

Ox Drover

Spirit, you are right that we should (every one should) investigate before they believe….but being people, they don’t, and we don’t always either. I hope you will distance yourself as much as possible from this psychopath and hopefully he will not come after you.

The problem is that in “war” there are injuries on both sides and even if you do him significant damage it may also impact on you. Some times it is wiser just to keep away from them if possible.

Glad to see you on LF.

Spirit40

Ox I seem to have anger and want the truth and I don’t enjoy the projection of his evil moral less deeds and lack of conscience placed on me..I have morals values a life cause he ruined his life and mine…my nephew past away two months ago now this nephew 40 yrs old..introduced the spath to me or he was a victim too…Im angry …we all worked at summer camp together cept the spath was kicked out for giving a girl a hickey…anyway my reason for contact not that the spath cared only spoke of himself it should have be been him not my nephew

Ox Drover

Spirit I’m sorry you lost your nephew…grief always leaves us vulnerable to the “vultures” that come into our lives.

I’m not sure from your above post “it should have been him not my nephew” if your nephew or the spath got kicked out for giving a girl a hickey….but it sounds like to me (just my opinion) that you would be better off just staying NC with this jerk rather than “stirring shiat” because in most instances of something like this when you stir it up you get as much on yourself as you can fling on them.

I know when you are hurt to start with, and angry as well at the things they say and the lies they spread it is better to take the high road and just not worry about the rest.

Spirit40

Your right ….my ex is the one who got kicked out.the first of many redflags …I will be 3 years soon ..that I got out of that abusive …with my son

Spirit40

Spaths don’t grieve I notice…I’ve had my parents and my nephew past …the spath asked why I was crying when my Mom past …no clue they can mimic as he mustve faked tears when his mom past ..

Ox Drover

Spirit, There are so many times I can remember when Ii wanted justice! when I wanted [email protected] When I wanted to have the last word! k*&^%!!!!! But in the end it is usually much better and wiser to just shut up and walk away if possible. Especially if you have a child.

Spirit40

Yes your right I can do that its not an issue really..I should move on completely

callmeathena

Oxy

thank you for such a humble and uplifting article. Truly.

I think I needed that today. I know I have learned so much, I’m not the same person who came here in aug 2009 any more, much wiser and happier….but have slid backwards of recent, my own doing, and then the return of the spath….why don’t they leave us alone? And why do we crave them?

Crazy making!

Anyway, hugs to you, Oxy. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for you.

Athena

Ox Drover

Athena,

Just as an alcoholic is addicted to the rush of the booze, or the druggie the rush of the needle or the pill, we are addicted to the RUSH of the REUNION! We hang on to the malignant hope that there is some way this is going to work out.

IT IS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT **WELL,** THOUGH.

Each time the pain on the downward slope will be worse and the euphoria on the upward spiral will be less until eventually it is all one melding of pain.

Just as the drug addict must resist, one day at a time, so must we…one encounter at a time. It is our choice. Our decision. No one else can make it for us or force us to do what is in our best interest by their views. We must educate ourselves then follow through.

It ain’t easy but we can do it. One day at a time. (((hugs))) and God bless.

silvermoon

I remember the one reunion with the P. He was incarcerated. I was in shock.

So, the truth was right there in plain sight. Indisputable. What more was there to talk about?

The reality of the lie in which I’d become embroiled was overwhelming.

I remember shaking for hours after the visit. It would have numbed the pain I was experiencing, but required that I turn my back on myself, my friends and family and everything that I valued about my life and history. And there would be no turning back on that decision.

I remember weighing out the risks and making the decision very consciously to get out and stay out of the life in the sewer that was on offer.

I remember thinking about it all as I looked at the email that was left open for me from another woman to whom he was declaring his love and fealty.

Crazy? Well, in a way I was. And it took time and work for that to wear off. And the work is worth it.

I was lucky to have the chance to make the decision. I was lucky to not have the ease of seeing him without making a big effort to do it.

And for months I was tortured by hearing all the things that I had heard that were so what I had wished to hear. But it was noise. Noise that meant nothing.

And I knew, that it was pointless ever to hear the sound of his voice again because that is all that would come of the encounter. Noise. Sounds hung together in a way that had no meaning. Except to him. Because he liked to make up the stories and tell them It pleased him.

Once discovered, my time was better spent to work at the healing. It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t.

But, it is worth every minute I’ve invested and my returns on that investment are so much greater than giving in to that morbid curiosity in the day would have been.

Once you know, there is nothing more to talk about.

Truthspeak

Excellent discussion – many things for me to consider, right now, and this discussion is helping me call the whole thing for what it is.

Spirit40, there’s nothing wrong with being outspoken. I’m known for being opiinionated, but age and experiences have taught me that I need to sometimes just shut up and let the chips fall where they may – I do not have to defend myself, prove myself, or be in the right, all of the time. Additionally, opening my mouth when it’s not always appropriate has caused me MANY problems, in the past.

Anger is a normal part of the healing process. I just have to be really careful to NOT allow it to develop into an obsession. One side of me says, “Well, why SHOULDN’T I be obsessed with what he did to me?!” The other side answers, “Because Life isn’t always fair, and I don’t have the ‘power’ to see that he gets what he deserves.” I only have control over ME and my choices. Surviving these experiences and living a productive, positive life is the best revenge of all. NO CONTACT facilitates those possibilities, and, in my case, the exspath has nothing to say to me and vice versa. I don’t WANT to hear anything that the exspath has to say because none of it will be sincere, and none of it will be true. He isn’t human, and that’s all there is to it.

Brightest blessings.

Ox Drover

Silvermoon,

I can’t tell you how PROFOUND that “reunion” in prison was for me as well….there WAS nothing left to talk about, but I did, he did, and I unfortunately listened with my heart and not my head.

I didn’t want what I saw to be what was TRUE so I stayed in denial. I allowed myself to PITY him and the situation he was in, and forgot that HE HAD PUT HIMSELF THERE.

The next reunion won’t be a happy one, I am sure the police will be called to clean up the crime scene of that family reunion one way or the other.

callmeathena

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time.

I think the thing I need to work on the most is forgiving myself.
It is overwhelming when I think about it, how I let this guy abuse me. I mean, I was RIGHT THERE waving my hand, “pick me!”.

Anyway. Thank you Ox.

Athena

Ox Drover

Athena, I think forgiving ourselves IS THE HARDEST PART….and yes, we were there waving our hands saying “I’m a sucker, pick me!” LOL (head shaking here) Yep, that’s me, a total sucker! But not any more so I’m standing proud now, so girlfriend get yer sheet togetha before I bonk you! Quit bein’ so hard on yerself! LOL (((hugs))))

silvermoon

Athena,

We did what normal people do. You, me, Ox Drover.

It takes a lot to wake up to the reality.

The point is, you are not alone. IT happens to people. People like all of us.

Its not about forgiving yourself, you really didn’t do anything more wrong than get fooled.

Now you know what happened.
Now you get it.
Now you can LET GO of him and everything that happened with him.

The longer we savor the heartbreak both for the loss of the relationship and ourselves, the longer they linger in our world – in our consciousness.

The step that counts is the one where you just let go of the experience, the abuser, the pain.

Its the hardest step to take because it means that life suddenly becomes unfamiliar.

But, like Ox said above, it is the minute where everything changes. And suddenly, after the long haul, reality becomes both different and clear.

Remember the WIzard of Oz, when after all the adventures, Glinda finally tells Dorothy that the Ruby Slippers would have taken her home at any time but if she’d been told from the first she wouldn’t have believed it?

What if its true that we who suffer can have that same realization? That the part of us which is in pain is not all of who we are, but just for now the loudest part. And what if when we decide that, we can also choose not to listen so much to it.

At least not for a breath, or a minute or an hour or a day….

Be at peace. You are on the road. And you know too much to turn back now.

Ox Drover

Silvermoon, you are so expressive! Thanks for being here!!!

silvermoon

Ox,

It makes me chuckle to think about how hard it is to understand that realization that there is nothing left to talk about.

Its so hard to not say or do. To not solve the problem anymore. Because not solving the problem means letting the illusion shatter.

Amazing isn’t it that there is so much to say about not having anything more to say?

For me, that is the hard part.

I arrived at that place where there is nothing more to talk about. And I realized that it is a moment which comes around in a lot of other situations.

Situations in which there is something going on that isn’t right and the more I fight and argue with it, the more opportunity I give the perpetrators to convince me that I am mistaken.

No way to win those arguments.

So, when there is nothing you can do, the best thing is to do nothing.

But nothing is a tough concept to actualize, isn’t it.

Sometimes, it occurs to me that doing nothing is a discipline, not a decision.

Perhaps, it is something we need to understand better because there are clearly times when doing nothing is better than anything else we can do.

Especially when there is nothing left to talk about. Its pointless. No matter what, the conversation will be one sided.

Either the other person will not hear us or whatever we have to say becomes drowned by the part of us that doesn’t want to experience the breaking of the illusion.

Without that breaking of the illusion, the transformation of ourselves back into the real world can not be accomplished. It must be so.

I am restless these days OX. So much to do in little time and all so huge. But these tasks don’t take all day.

I am happy to spend this time among the friends who helped me so much and in return give what I can to others.

I am reminded of the Song of the Open Road so often in the discussions here-

The earth expanding right hand and left hand,
The picture alive, every part in its best light,
The music falling in where it is wanted, and stopping where it is not wanted, 40
The cheerful voice of the public road—the gay fresh sentiment of the road.

O highway I travel! O public road! do you say to me, Do not leave me?
Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost?
Do you say, I am already prepared—I am well-beaten and undenied—adhere to me?

O public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you—yet I love you; 45
You express me better than I can express myself;
You shall be more to me than my poem.

silvermoon

I just read what Truhspeak was writing on the other thread-
Its so relevant here I’ll just quote it!

Cognitive Dissonance- Now there’s a word!

In order for the cognitive dissonance to ease off, you need to make “a choice” around which your brain can start to rationalise for the good of you that you were right to leave him, in a way that you feel there’s no turning back. In order to make it the dominant choice over the active choice of the past to be with him, you must make the choice to leave a very active one, and one from which it seems there is no return possible ”“ in other words, when you burn your bridges in your mind.

Ox Drover

Silver,

Those bridges? Burn them? NO!!!! DYNAMITE those bridges!!!! TOWANDA

silvermoon

Towanda kaboom.

I like to concept of becoming a mental artillery expert…

LOL!

Ox Drover

Silver, I am a crabby old woman, MAXINE IS MY HERO! LOL There are so many advantages to be an old crabby woman, and things you could get by with that would make men get into a fight! LOL

silvermoon

I have this idea of making a flag for the front of my home.

It would look like an old regimental flag but instead of Pocahontas, we could have Maxine.

Under her, it would say god d*.* it !!!! Don’t tread on me!

That’s my tagline. Crabby? Not so much as just done with the stuff I put p with as a younger woman…….

Ox Drover

Hey, that’s a GREAT regimental flag! The loveFraud MOB!!!!

One time years ago we got to being silly and designing costumes for the LoveFraud review dance line and songs, and so on. It was really fun actually and that would be great. I think I will see if I can come up with the flag just for fun if you don’t mind me using your ideas!

silvermoon

That would be fun!

Make two and use plenty of gold fringe… LOL!

Ox Drover

I’ve got to have a minor operation tomorrow so will be out of the loop for a few days but I have some ideas and I’ll see if I can come up with something cute next week.

silvermoon

Take care of yourself Ox.

We’ll be thinking of you.

Ox Drover

Thanks silver, yep, I’m doing just that! Doing the “doctor trot” the new dance they have for seniors! LOL

MiLo

Oxy ~ Speedy recovery friend. Get enough rest. We are leaving on a road trip in a couple days so will catch up when we get back.

Take good care

coping

Ox-
This message/article came at the perfect time for me. As these damn doors open into the past and my childhood and relationship with my mother I’m ready to quit. I don’t want to cope. I don’t want to accept… Accepting means reliving and that means more pain. I don’t want that! I know I can’t stop if I am to ever be TRUELY happy in in life.
Sometimes I just get tired. I don’t want to think of the abuse. IDE rather eat pasta salad in the park on a blanket with jr and be happy. I don’t want to think of the evil in the world. I don’t want to accept the emotional and sexual abuse I endured as a child. My dis/cog is unreal. What normal person has blackouts and thinks that drinking beer as a 9 year old with a 50 year old man is normal who is sexually abusing them is ok..better than being at home. Wtf!! My mind is racing.. And I hate that!
I just want it to stop.
But I won’t quit.. I can’t quit. Thanks jerk spath for breaking me down to the point where I have to deal with this… IDE run so long and hard to escape it!!
I hate this!!!it scares me.

Ox Drover

Enjoy your road trip! Been a while since I made one. I took a train ride to Texas over a year ago and that was FUN! But take your own food along, the food on the train is so expensive and not good either.

Thank goodness for face book though, with the price of gas not sure I will see many of my friends any more. LOL

callmeathena

Silvermoon, what an awesome post. Truly.

The longer we savor the heartbreak both for the loss of the relationship and ourselves, the longer they linger in our world ”“ in our consciousness.

The step that counts is the one where you just let go of the experience, the abuser, the pain.

Its the hardest step to take because it means that life suddenly becomes unfamiliar.

I love this. I am going to google, find a picture of some ruby slippers, and tape them up on my wall. What a great thought.

Athena

Ox Drover

Dear Coping,

Yes, I know you get TIRED and just want it to be OVER…. SO TAKE A BREAK…go to the park and sit on a blanket and eat pasta salad with junior. YOu don’t have to be working on this all the time 24/7, take time to SMELL the roses, but don’t QUIT. Don’t think “oh, I’m healed I don’t need to work on this any more” but at the same time, TAKE A BREAK…It is like moving a mountain with a shovel, you have to sit down and rest sometimes. Just shovel a while and then rest a while! (((hugs)))

skylar

Coping,
I’m reading “the power of now”. The author suggests that you don’t actually have to re-live all the pain in your life in order to “get over it”. You only have to re-live the one thing that is causing you pain right now.

he says we should be living in the present moment, consciously aware of this moment all the time.

There is no need to investigate the unconscious past in you except as it manifests at this moment as a thought, an emotion, a desire, a reaction, or an external event that happens to you. Whatever you need to know about the unconscious past in you, the challenges of the present will bring it out. If you delve into the past, it will become a bottomless pit: There is always more. You may think that you need more time to understand the past or become free of it, in other words, that the future will eventually free you of the past. This is a delusion. Only the present can free you of the past. More time cannot free you of time. Access the power of Now. That is the key. (page 90)

The power of now is what you were accessing when you were blowing soap bubbles for Jr. You were completely present in that moment.

clair

Oxy,
Wishing you a fast recovery.

Ox Drover

Sky, that’s an excellent point….the past is the past and we can’t change it no matter what we do…we can only move forward and enjoy what we have NOW. We can learn from the past as far as what happened, we don’t have to let it happen again, and like Donna’s new book, “Red flags” says we can use that knowledge to prevent future problems by changing the way we respond NOW.

Taking time to “blog bubbles with the baby” is important.

We all need to take more time to do that!

skylar

Oxy,
The Power of Now has a similar perspective to The Gift of Fear. They both suggest that worrying about the future and ruminating about the past is what robs us of the only thing we can really control: the present. By not worrying, but always being present, we can respond when we need to, how we need to.

The concepts aren’t too hard, but the habits are very difficult to change.

I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Ox Drover

Thanks Sky, and you are so right….we can’t change the past and we must not “worry” about the future…doesn’t mean we don’t need to plan for it and work toward the things we need to do to make the future successful….

Back in the Hippie days of my youth (1960s) many young people didn’t plan for the future at all, or take action (education etc) to work toward it, but just “enjoyed the NOW” to the exclusion of all else. LOL That’s not the answer either, but “worrying” sure isn’t either.

Truthspeak

OxDrover – my very best wishes on your procedure. Get better, soon!!!

lovelost

After such a promising start, things have crashed, I have crashed. After keeping the distance successfully for a couple of months I made the mistake of responding to my ex, he wanted a friendly’ meal. It started ok, he wanted to be friends, to work out what went wrong. He talked, and in my weakness I listened.
I ended up missing so much of our previous life. My new built world has vanished. I haven’t been able to do anything for a week just lost and alone. Feeling that I should have stuck it out, that we could have resolved the problems. From the sunshine a couple of weeks ago, all is bleak. I was so relieved to be free of him, so happy, but now I don’t know anymore. My optimism and confidence have gone, I don’t know that I can live without him. I keep sayiing I shouldn’t have seen him, I shouldn’t have listened.

Truthspeak

Lovelost, I feel for you – I think we all go through that business. My recent posts have been all about that “Was it REALLY so bad as to end the marriage?” I have been experiencing a vascilation that borders on regret, and Skylar, OxD, and Donna put it so plainly. It’s a normal reaction given what sociopaths modus operandii are – we are left unbalanced and have been convinced (BY the spath) that we are not to trust our own judgment.

Be kind to yourself, and read back on some of the posts and responses. There’s lots of courage to be read about, as well as precisely identical experiences like your own.

Brightest blessings to you.

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