CRON: Array ( [1553103615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553103915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553104215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553104515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553104815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553105115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553105415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553105715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553106915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553107215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553107515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553107728] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-easy-social-share-buttons3] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553107815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553108101] => Array ( [wp_cache_gc] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => [args] => Array ( ) ) ) ) [1553108145] => Array ( [bestwebsoft_wp_update_plugins] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553108294] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-ad-inserter-pro] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553108715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553109315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553109615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553109915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553110215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553110515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553110815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553111115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553111415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112486] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-easy-social-share-buttons] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553112615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553112915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553113215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553113815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553114115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553114415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553114715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115318] => Array ( [ao_cachechecker] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553115615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553115915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553116215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553116515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553116815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553117115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553117415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553117715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553117716] => Array ( [action_scheduler_run_queue] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => every_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553118015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553118302] => Array ( [wp_1_wc_privacy_cleanup_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => wp_1_wc_privacy_cleanup_cron_interval [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 300 ) ) ) [1553118315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553118615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553118915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553119215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553119515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553119969] => Array ( [update_network_counts] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553120115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553120415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553120715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553121015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553121315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553121611] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_sessions] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553121615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553121915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553122215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553122515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553122815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553123115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553123415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553123715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553124015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553124315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553124615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553124915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553127615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553127915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553135115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553135415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553135715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139915] => Array ( [seopressor_link_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553141115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553141415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553141715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553146215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553146515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553146815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553151015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553151315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553151915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553152215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553152515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553152815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154400] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553154615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160536] => Array ( [wpbdp_daily_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553160615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160950] => Array ( [wpbdp_listings_expiration_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553161061] => Array ( [_cron_zencache_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553161215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553161515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162344] => Array ( [wppa_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553162415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168235] => Array ( [seopressor_site_audit] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [seopressor_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553168415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168849] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-event-espresso-core-reg] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553169015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170637] => Array ( [simple_history/maybe_purge_db] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553170815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553174115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180821] => Array ( [yotuwp_cache_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553181315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553181615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553185215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186411] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_personal_data] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553186415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186421] => Array ( [woocommerce_tracker_send_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553186715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190375] => Array ( [delete_expired_transients] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553190615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553192415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553192715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193129] => Array ( [wpbdp_license_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553193315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195164] => Array ( [subscribe_reloaded_purge] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553195415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553196015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553196315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553196603] => Array ( [nxs_hourly_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553196615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553196915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553197211] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_logs] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553197215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553197515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553197533] => Array ( [wp_scheduled_delete] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553197815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553198115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553198415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553198715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553199015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553199315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553199615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553199915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553200215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553200815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553201115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553201415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( 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[1553203515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553203815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553204115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553204415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553205015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553205315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553207415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553208315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553208615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553208915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553209276] => Array ( [wp_privacy_delete_old_export_files] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553209515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553209628] => Array ( [wp_scheduled_auto_draft_delete] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553209815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553210415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553210715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553213100] => Array ( [yst_ga_aggregate_data] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [monsterinsights_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553213115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553213415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553213715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553216115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553216415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553218515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553218815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553219415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553219715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553220015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553220315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553220615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553220915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553221215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553221515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553221815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553222115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553222415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553222715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553223315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553223614] => Array ( [wp_update_plugins] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) [wp_update_themes] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553223615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553223661] => Array ( [wp_version_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553223915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553224215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553224515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553224815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553225415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553225715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553226015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553226315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553226615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553226915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553227215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553227515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553227815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553228415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553228715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553229315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553229615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553229915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553230515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553231115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553231415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553231715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553232015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553232023] => Array ( [puc_cron_check_updates-ad-inserter-pro] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1553232315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553232615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553232915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553233215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553233815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553234415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553235015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553235615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553235915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553236215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] 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Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553241915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553242215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553242815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553243115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553244015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553244315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553244915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553245215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553245515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553247915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553248215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553248515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553248815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553250315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553251515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553252415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553252715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553253315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553253615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553255115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553255715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553256315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553256915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553257215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553257515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553257815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553258415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553259015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553259315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553259915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553260215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553260515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553260815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553261415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553261715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553262315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553262615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553262915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553263215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553263515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553263815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553264115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553264415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553264715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553265015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553265615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553265915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553266515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553266815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553267115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553267415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553267715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553268915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553269215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553269515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553270115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553270415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553270715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553271315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553271615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553271915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553272215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553272515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553272815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553273115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( 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By | May 12, 2014

Getting back on track after the ruin of a sociopath

A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email.

I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?

When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.

I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.

Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.

All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy”¦ I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.

How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.

Donna Andersen responds

Dear LadyA,

I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. The good news is that you can recover.

Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.

The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.

Understanding sociopaths is a critical first step to recovery. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.

How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.

This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger I’m sure there is anger perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.

This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.

One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.

Underestimated the injury

Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.

You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.

Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.

LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.

And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.

Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.

Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.

Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.

Drain the emotion

So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier allow yourself to feel the pain now knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.

So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)

The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.

As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.

This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.

Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.

Your recovery may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.

Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.

 


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Jan7

Donna is correct you have to let all your emotions out..that’s not an easy thing to do since your mind has been so twisted up by the psychopath to suppress all of your feelings. I would also say that one of the most over looked aspects of psychopathic abuse it the victims adrenal gland issues. Panic attacks, depression, anxiety, mood swings, hair loss, sleep issues, etc (it’s a very long list of symptoms) are all issues of adrenal fatigue (PTSD).

The psychopaths keep their victims in a heighten state of anxiety purposely so that they can control their victims much easier. If a victims is in a heighten state you can not think clearly, you can not think how to leave the relationship (you need someone to swoop in and save you), you can not piece together all of the crazy manipulation the psychopath is doing to you because you are just trying to survive every single moment with the psychopath. You are in survival mode.

What happens in the body under continuous heighten state of anxiety?

Your adrenal glands are releasing high levels of cortisol & adrenaline know as the flight or fight response mode…the adrenal glands are also regulating your bodies blood pressure, blood sugar, and over 50 hormones including all of the female & male hormones. With continuous stress plus poor diet the adrenal glands get brunt out causing = adrenal fatigue.

What happens when your adrenal glands get burnt out? your body can not operate correctly and wreaks havoc on your and mind (& spirit).

The good news with time, a good clean diet, vitamins/minerals, hormonal balancing pill or cream, plenty of sleep, rest & relaxation your adrenal glands will recover. Which will allow your body & mind to function correctly again.

Find a good hormonal specialist or adrenal gland expert and get tested for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency, to start with. To find a good hormonal specialist ask your friends/google “compounding pharmayc” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors.

see drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org take his quiz/read/see his symptoms list, drlam.com see his symptoms list/read, mialundin.com read her book/see her you tube videos, womentowomen.com, drchristinanorthrup.com (the last two do a search on their sites for adrenal fatigue/hormonal balancing). google “dr amen pbs you tube” (see his books) and “dr fuhrman PBS you tube” for both of their PBS specials.

Remember it’s not all in your “head” it’s also a body issues that is affecting your mind ie depression, anxiety, panic attacks. According to Dr Wilson 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adulthood and sadly most doctors are not educated enough on this serious condition.

DonnaC

LadyA that is wonderful advice from Jan7. I lived through all of the above (wish I could get copious amounts of my hair to stop going down the drain though)and am on the other side now. Healing starts inside and works its way out. FORGIVING ourselves for getting caught in their web is utmost. Once we learn about it, understand it and take those lessons forward we can stop giving energy to the toxic person that was in our life. I myself, put pics of his face inside my shoes and went for ‘power walks, stomping all the way along, and talking (made sure no one was around!) to process and vent my angst. VERY healing.
You sound like such an intelligent gal who took the wrong exit on the highway of relationships. You will find the right way again. And give yourself time. You will trust again, and the lessons learned will guide you. I can smell a sociopath a mile away now!

cannh

LadyA….

Here’s my take on this. First and foremost, I’m so sorry you got caught up with this guy. It truly is amazing the amount of damage they inflict on other individuals.

It sounds like your life was moving forward in a very positive way and then he came along. Now you feel ashamed for getting sucked into this. You may feel you’ve taken steps backwards and have lost pride in yourself and what you do. But don’t, please don’t let that happen. Do feel the emotions, as mentioned by Donna and others. Also realize this isn’t anything you did wrong. These sociopaths have incredible abilities to drain you of your own self-worth….and they don’t care.

You sound like an amazing young woman. Don’t let him win. In time, you will be able to rise above this and come out even stronger and wiser. Know, too, that you are not in this alone. I have gone through this….and believe me, I know. It sucks, it hurts, it’s heart-wrenching. But give yourself time….sometimes a lot of time, to work through this. And please…don’t be ashamed. Life throws us these curve balls…but there is some life lesson in disguise here. It might take awhile to learn, but that’s okay, too. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Stay strong my friend. This LF community is here to listen.

carolann

Mia M

LadyA,
Wow it only took you 6 months to leave, you should give yourself a congratulatory hug. It took some of us a lot longer to realize that leaving was the only option. Being with a sociopath completely alters your reality. Others don’t want to hear about it because most want to maintain the illusion that the world is essentially a good and safe place, that we can see the bad people coming, that the people we trust most in the world, our “safe” people, would not betray us. I agree that talking to a therapist or others who really understand what it means to go on despite knowing the risk first hand is your best bet. It’s a tall task to learn to trust others, to trust yourself and your own judgment again but it comes with time. I wondered as I was reading your entry what you want to do now, do you want to stay in your town or do you want to get back on the prior path you got derailed from? Or maybe a new path? Perhaps some long term goals, what ever they may be, might be helpful for you to realize that you still have aspirations and dreams. You had to go home to recalibrate, to be around truly safe people who had your best interest at heart; you are still healing and eventually I believe that amazing drive will return and you will allow yourself to reemerge a better strong version of yourself.

Electing to be with a sociopath cost me a job, a reputation, and a sense of self that took me decades to build. I move forward thinking perhaps it’s finally over, that is can return to my old life, only to be slapped down emotionally by someone judging me for being so stupid and picking what I thought was love over all other things. Mostly I judge myself. I get the pride thing though, I sure miss that naive cocky woman who thought, “something like that could never happen to me because I am so savvy and such a good judge of character”. While painful, this experience has humbled me and I hope made me more attuned to the fact that we are all potential victims. It was my “pride” that stopped me from asking for help from my colleagues before I risked everything for this piece of detritus.

I guess what I am trying to say to you is that I am impressed by how wise, articulate and amazing you already are, how quickly you got out, and how you have informed yourself about sociopaths. People say this to me all the time so I will turn this on you, “perhaps this happened to you so that you might help others with your experiences”. You have already started an excellent dialogue with your posting. Thank you for having the courage to tell us what you have been dealing with.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i lost all my friends & family and everything else, a place to live, etc by being with the spath. and i got 2 more children to raise ALONE except this time with a PSYCHO babydaddy to contend with (while he was there at least, now i ignore his existence)
wen i was finally able to get back to this side of the continent (altho WITH him, yuck) we spent the day we flew into town with my friend driving us around looking for SOMEone who would let us stay with them even just one nite. we had NOTHING. spaths dont worry about things like providing for their family. my friends stayed true to form and no one would help us. we finally ended up at a friends tiny apt who was telling us to leave in 3 days, she’s very depressive and hates kids lol
all i knew was that i HAD to get back “home” to have any hope of surviving the spath. so i swallowed any pride left and begged. to no avail lol
i just politely say to ppl now, ignorance is bliss.
iow u have NO IDEA wat ur talking about, now hush.

HanaleiMoon

Well said, Mia. My experience mirrors yours. I had no idea I was with a sociopath until after the discard, and by that time, it had cost me my sense of self, a job, my professional reputation and most of my life savings. Friends I trusted were judgmental, patronizing, condescending and dismissive. I felt so alone I took it for awhile…now, none of those people are in my life, and some of them were outraged when I was honest with them. It hurt at first, now, I feel no sense of loss at all. Pffft. The few new friends I have are real.

I have not forgotten the confident, secure, kick ass woman I was, and every once in awhile I see a hint of her, so I know she’s not completely gone. I was thinking of my current situation as a launching pad, but I really like your concept of recalibration!

HopingToHeal

LadyA, I agree with Donna,pride in yourself and achievements is a good thing. I’m impressed that you accomplished so much at a young age. Also, I think that you have shown a huge amount of strength and character in your choice to move back to your moms, find a job and make friends. This evil person chose to break the law, but unfortunately, you are having to pay a penance. It’s so unfair!

Donna, thanks so much for confirming that it’s normal to be so mad, frustrated and emotionally exhausted when one goes through this kind of betrayal. So often, even though he never knew, I’ve felt like I was somehow letting my husband get the best of me when I outwardly acted out my pain. Like I was weak. But I always felt better afterwards. I wonder why more therapist don’t emphasize the depth of this kind of injury? It seems that we are grouped into the same type treatment of those who have other less significant marital issues.

Jan7, since I’ve been reading your post about adrenal exhaustion, I’ve implemented change in my lifestyle. Number one being that I have refused to let him, or my mind, take me to a place of fear, anxiety and constant rumination about his betrayal. My stress hormones are trying to calm. I’m sleeping a lot better and have more concentration. Thank you for this tips!

And cannh, you are right…this does hurt. Is heart wrenching, it sucks!,

Jan7

Hi Hopingtoheal, I’m so glad that you are doing better with your health 🙂 It’s so nice that Donna started this wonderful site for all of us to chat about our experiences and what has helped us to heal plus gain such great insight from Donna’s wisdom.

HopingToHeal

Also, Donna, I would like to add how appreciative I am that you are constantly watching what is posted by members and then responding with appropriate articles to address their issues. It must take a lot of time, but it is so helpful!, This site has saved me! What a wonderful calling you have.

DonnaC

Amen!

LadyA

Hello Donna,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I do think you are right about me bottling up my feelings. I have always been viewed as such a strong person by everyone who knows me. I’ve always kept my “deep down” feelings very private.It became even more so that way after this all happened. I feel like I have something to prove and just kind of acted like it didn’t happen. But it seems that I never took the time in between to actually deal with my feelings.

Your comments on the severity of this betrayal really struck home with me. It definitely brought a few tears. Since only one person in my day to day life really knows some of what I went through (my mom doesn’t even know all of it) I feel often like I am just being too sensitive about everything that happened. I have tried to open up to my boyfriend and my best friend about what happened but they don’t seem to want to talk about it. The conversation always seems to quickly change to something completely unrelated. That makes me feel like it’s not really a big deal & I should just try to forget about it. I’m now thinking I need to start thinking differently about that and maybe let them know how important it is to me for them to listen to me talk about it.

Thanks again Donna. I really hope to make progress on my healing soon.

Stargazer

LadyA, I have found that the average person does not have the understanding to deal with profound grief from abandonment and betrayal unless they’ve been through something similar. You may have better luck with a therapist. You may need to try a few different ones until you find one you feel safe with who knows how to encourage you to go into your feelings. And of course it helps if they know what a sociopath is. Some do; some don’t.

I know for myself, I have gone through so much trauma and so many betrayals in my 53 years, that it almost seems “normal” to me. It’s not until I tell one of the stories to my counselor and hear her reflect back how much pain I’ve been through that I actually give myself permission to break down and feel the hurt. However, if I try to talk about it to my friends, they often don’t know what to do. The guy friends especially will try to make me stop crying. Men often seem uncomfortable with a woman crying. They don’t know how to handle it. Women are more sympathetic, but often have a time frame for when they think you should be over it. And that doesn’t always coincide with the end of the grief. Grief is over when it’s over and not one minute sooner. You definitely want to avoid friends who tell you to get over it.

Bally

LadyA, my heart goes out to you. Some great advice given.

I believe many of us may have had post traumatic stress without realising it, mainly because we don’t know the symptoms. Would like to make a little suggestion that you read the attached written by the Mayo Clinic (you can google it), even if it is to rule it out.

Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic Staff
Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within three months of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, or changes in emotional reactions.

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event
Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

Negative feelings about yourself or other people
Inability to experience positive emotions
Feeling emotionally numb
Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Hopelessness about the future
Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
Difficulty maintaining close relationships
Changes in emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
Always being on guard for danger
Overwhelming guilt or shame
Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
Trouble concentrating
Trouble sleeping
Being easily startled or frightened
Intensity of symptoms

PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you’re stressed in general, or when you run into reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.

When to see a doctor

If you have disturbing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your health care professional. Get treatment as soon as possible to help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

If you have suicidal thoughts

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, get help right away through one or more of these resources:

Reach out to a close friend or loved one.
Contact a minister, a spiritual leader or someone in your faith community.
Call a suicide hotline number in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor. Use that same number and press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
Make an appointment with your doctor, mental health provider or other health care professional.
When to get emergency help

If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.

If you know someone who’s in danger of committing suicide or has made a suicide attempt, make sure someone stays with that person. Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Or, if you can do so safely, take the person to the nearest hospital emergency room.

elizabethbrooks

LadyA, you really did “save yourself” very quickly, compared to many of us. You need to really also process the great good things you did, and gain strength from knowing you were able to assess and leave, etc. Even gaining weight, might be a result of your trying to comfort yourself with food. Again, while the end result isn’t what you want, don’t berate yourself. Thank heaven you’ve been in a “take care of yourself” mode, and just alter your methods. You are very young, and were not in the horror too long. There are a LOT of these bad people around, and this experience will definitely help you to spot them next time. I was in a 24 year marriage to one… and he hid it until the last year. Not one of my family nor friends had a clue, either. Rather than focus on him robbing me of half my life, I focus on how proud of myself I am, that I got out and severed the tie quickly, once I knew what he was. I have seen strength in myself that I didn’t know was possible. I am really proud of how I handled it. I’m 2 years out and still in a legal fight with him, but I secured sole custody with zero visitation of our two teen sons, and he’s been jailed repeatedly, too. And yes.. I struggled with the recovery too… but you WILL get there! You’ve done great.

LadyA

Elizabethbrooks,

I was at my wits end by the 6 month point. I wouldn’t have survived 24 years. I can’t imagine going through that horror for so long. I absolutely do credit your strength.

Thanks so much for your words. It really does help to see that I am not alone in this and it will get better.

HanaleiMoon

Truer words were never spoken: “Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.”

I’ve lost count of how many times my therapist has told me this in one form or another. When we met the psychopath, we were all strong women…and yes, proud of what we had accomplished, were doing, and planned to do in the future. From all my readings, I know that is one of the reasons we were such perfect targets – we had a lot to lose. In my case, my ex “helped” me accelerate my plans for the future and even expanded them larger than I had ever dreamed, largely with my finances, just so he could intentionally pull the rug out from under me and force me to lose them, and he did it for SPORT.

It is taking me much longer than I expected to get myself and my life back together, and almost daily I remind myself that I have a tendency to downplay what happened to me. I had been thinking of it as my life being derailed, and recently, I realized it was more like the Challenger explosion. We all remember the pictures of the explosion – with trails of smoke and in some cases, a speck of debris flying through the air. I thought I could just lift the train and set it back up on the tracks like I had done with every problem in my life, and head off to bigger and better things. Instead, I was reduced to a little speck, starting from scratch.

I was just talking to a friend yesterday about being embarrassed at having gone backwards (and yes, I returned to where I started from and it feels like a failure to me too) financially, professionally and personally. I struggle with wanting to go back, just like LadyA. I hope the right path will reveal itself.

But to get to my point, we are still the strong women we were before these horrific experiences blew our lives apart. Changed, hidden, healing, scared, confused, but still strong. I too thought once I had been educated and understood that the healing would be complete and I’d spring back into my old self that I was so proud of. It’s not that simple.

Before this happened to me, I was so proud of my life and it never crossed my mind to compare myself with anyone else. Now, it is easy to lapse into that trap, and mostly, I compare myself (unfavorably) to the old me. I marvel at people who are in seemingly successful relationships and can enjoy simple things and are unaware of the horrors that can happen, just as we once were. Those are the times I remind myself of how far I have come…at first, I couldn’t even get up off the floor…then I lifted my head, learned to crawl, etc. I’m walking now, it will still be awhile before I can run, or do cartwheels.

Thank you LadyA and Donna, for a topic that spoke directly to me today.

Barb

I need your opinion

Horrible dysfunctional family of origin. Really dysfunctional.

As if that were not bad enough I was targeted by a sociopath when we were in the 4th grade. She totally dominated my thoughts and actions. She even touched me inappropriate on a school bus. She was not good looking until the last year of high school when she had metamorphosed (contact lenses instead of glasses, braces removed from teeth…) Astoundingly this girl was a glamorized and much better looking person for that last year of high school. Our high school pictures were on adjacent pages of the yearbook, so all she had to do was bend the pages so that they appeared right next to each other (and she said it made it easier to compare our photos). Obviously she believed herself to be the better looking.
High school was over 40 years ago. As long as I lived in another state (or even country, in my case, Canada) I felt free from the horrendous pain she caused me. I made the mistake of returning to my home town (and live now just one town out from there), which means I keep bumping into people from high school. It astounds me. I am constantly being put on the defensive by these people. They instantly judge me…they figure my relationship with this woman was terminated because of ‘my’ jealousy.
First of all…why do they even care? I never think about who was friends with who in high school…I never think about any of them. Then I also feel judged by them, like I have to explain myself. I just clam up now but I was infuriated at one family get-together where a former classmate approached me (oh, and I had the extreme misfortune to have a brother who married someone from my class). The get-together was a B-day party for my brother. This classmate happened to live right next door. She came over to me, and in a clandestine manner mentioned that my spath was doing extremely well…and then asked me what I did (and it hit me that she was comparing us, and if I said something that appeared less than stellar it meant that I could not handle the spath’s success and therefor had ended the relationship). I mumbled something. My poor husband was very uncomfortable about the whole thing. To show this woman that she had no effect on me whatsover, I walked away from her and approached my brother. I asked if he was going on vacation any time soon and he said he and his son were going white-water rafting in Maine…immediately my husband very enthusiastically said, “That is the same trip Barb and I did!” I watched this former classmate slowly and stealthfully move away from us (and her face was a dark cloud…)
I remember pursuing elementary education and that I had chosen my former grammar school to do my student teaching. There was a woman from my high school class who was involved there as well. Apparently that woman and the ‘accusing classmate’ were good friends. The thing that gets me is that my spath obviously found out about my teaching in our home town…because it was some time after she that she began teaching in a childcare center in our home town and eventually went on to start an exchange program with kids in Japan. Her father had gone to Japan for his company, which made it easy for his daughters to move there. I never depended on anyone in my family where travel was concerned…I up and left on my own. I ended up in the Yukon Territory of Canada where life was exciting and mind-blowingly free. So free.
I must admit that there were one or two people from high school who did now the truth, including a guy named Eddie who took me out to lunch. He immediately brought up the spath. He told me, ‘You are much too beautiful of a woman to be treated badly.’ And he added that the spath had been into a ‘beauty trip’ all through school. Then the question was put to me: why did I leave the spath? He had just acknowledged that she had brutally shamed and used me. And how did he know who left who? Maybe she left me? Duh?
Do any of you think that I owe these people an explanation? Do any of you think that they should mind their own business? My brother wanted to know why I did not turn it around on them…why I did not ask about their lives. But I immediately go into ‘guilt’ mode and feel very, very uncomfortable.
After years in Canada, coming back had put me into a whole different frame of mind. I had a Canadian boyfriend, Canadian friends, and lived with different types of people (including Indians…the real thing). Indians were everywhere in northern Canada. And I lived in Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, and a very tiny town called Harrington Harbor.
Do any of you think that these ‘accusers’ probably never left their home town? That they got married and settled in the same old town they went to school in? Do any of you think that this would have narrowed their minds? That most of their friends are from high school? Because that is what I think. Traveling and living elsewhere (and not having any ties to high school) can broaden and enlighten you, both your mind and your soul.
And finally: do any of you experience this type of ‘harassment’, which is what I believe it to be. Do you feel okay about talking about what was happening decades ago? Most likely you attend high school reunions.
Why are we part of 1% of the population, forever to be judged, criticized, and treated so badly? What and why? What a fate.

Thank you

slimone

Barb,

I think you have posted about this before, the highschool girl and the targeting you experienced. I am sorry it is being retriggered by being around the total ignorance of many of the ‘old school’ folks you are running into. It sounds dreadful.

Not sure why you moved back to be around your dysfunctional family. Not sure why you bother to listen to any of these folks talk about things from 40 years ago. Things are obviously more complicated than any of us here know.

I would pack up and move to where you are happy again. Living around small minded people, who have never progressed to a point of living in the present would be depressing.

First of all, I would ask, why do you care what any of these people say? What hold does this small town have on you? Why do you stay? Why do you listen?

Viewpoint

Dear Lady A: Would it help in anyway to know, really know, that what happened is called “life”. Life isn’t a progression, it’s a roller coaster up and down. It has nothing to do with you being a fool, that you returned home. You went home, that’s it. And maybe you’re meant to stay there. Maybe not.

alohatraveler

LadyA,

I think you should feel proud of yourself for being able to take the first step and leave this bad man…. yes, even if your Mom helped you. It is very difficult to cut things off with a sociopath because they are so psychologically manipulative. The only way to “win” is to end the game and refuse to play.

You sound like an accomplished young woman. There is no need to erase all that you have done. The sociopath does not get to cancel out all of your accomplishments. You still achieved what you achieved in your life.

But as Donna said, these are no ordinary break-ups. A psychological wound takes more time to work through. And it can be confusing because others who have never been psychologically wounded do not understand what that is and what is affecting you. Give yourself time and definitely get a therapist.

All the best.. Aloha

Delores

You went home to a “Horrible dysfunctional family of origin. Really dysfunctional.” and expected what? I am from a small town too and sometimes I think I want to go back. There are good things in small towns, but the bad outweigh the good…gossip, never forgetting, punishing those who return for leaving, etc. Did you jump out of the frying pan into the fire?

You got out of town once, you got rid of the psychopath. You have power. Remember that psychopaths target strong, exciting, successful women. They suck us dry but our force keeps burning inside of us and we can recover. Perhaps it is time to go back to your chosen life and a job that excites you. What you did before, you can d again. Do not sell yourself short. Stay away from him at all costs.

Lots of little girls and boys do “inappropriate” things. They are normal. Forget it and forget this girl. Regroup,, plan and open your wings and fly.

trocks

I wasn’t a strong person when I met my spath. I was a people pleaser and constantly allowing myself to get walked all over and used but then would get hurt when people used me.
I was waiting to die so the pain would end. I was an easy target at first. Over the course of the relationship things began to change. I will admit my spath was a blessing in disguise. I am not where I want to be as I am still very raw and have lots of healing yet to do but because of my experience I am fighting for the life I want. I did not give up and have a reason to live.
I don’t know what else to say but stay strong. This happened to you for a reason. You may not see it now but something great can come of this once you start to heal and let go of the anger, hurt, resentment.
I look at it as an ugly tattoo you didn’t plan on getting. You can try and have it removed but there will still be an ugly scar. You could also accept it but change it by adding to it and changing it into something so beautiful your not ashamed to have.
I may not have the best wording but hope the point was understood.

HopingToHeal

The tattoo was a great example, Trocks. I’m sorry that you are still feeling so raw from your experience. Being tangled with a Spath is devastating, but it is true that there is a lesson to be learned. I’m certain that there were easier ways to learn the lesson, but making the most of what we are left with proves our resolution to be healed and move forward.

Best wishes to you.

slimone

LadyA,

When you wrote that your mother swooped in and took you back home I let out an internal ‘whoop!’. Though I am deeply sorry you have had to experience the level of betrayal and despair that any sociopath leaves in their wake, I am also extremely heartened to see you GETTING IT, at such a young age.

I know it’s best not to have too many regrets about too many things, as it just keeps you living in the past. But I would LOVE to have the time back that I have wasted on numerous personality disordered individuals, for much of my childhood and a lot of my adult life.

You have a real opportunity here to understand the world in such a way that you will not be so vulnerable to repeated predatory experiences. This is really a big deal. Honestly. Understanding that there are malignant human beings, whose only focus is to take advantage, deceive, and destroy other’s happiness gives you a level of awareness that some people never have. AND, it isn’t just because they haven’t been targeted.

I was targeted, and fell for , repeated disordered men and friends, and it took me until I was well into my 40’s before I put the pieces together and took my power back.

This terrible part of your learning and healing will transform into a different experience, over time. I understand how easy it is, especially when you don’t have many people who ‘get it’ to validate your own experience and feelings. It’s easier to try and stuff the whole thing down and try to get a ‘grip’ on it. And it is understandable that when you have people around you who change the subject, you might think the subject is best ignored or buried. They do not understand. Though they may believe you would be better off not ‘focusing on the past’, they do not understand the nature of trauma and betrayal. These experiences need examination, and the feeling need to be fully acknowledged and FELT. You are not a crybaby, not weak, not dramatizing. You are struggling to heal from a giant wave of destruction that crashed down on your life. It swept you and all your life props out to sea, and left you there.

Donna is right. Find some safe place (here?) to express your ongoing frustration, anger, sadness, longing, indignation, pissiness, exhaustion, or WTF? moments. This place saved my butt, when I was feeling alone with my ‘story’ and my misery. I hope ‘we’ might be there for you too.

I also sought therapy and had a very good experience. For me it was necessary for me to examine the messages that I received in childhood that made me ‘blind’ to being predated upon. This is not true for everyone. And the good news is you may not have a buncha childhood stuff to sort out.

But, it is good to look at what kind of false beliefs we may have, like: Everyone is looking for love. Every relationship is 50/50 (not with spath it isn’t). Everyone is good ‘deep down’. There is always a rational explanation for other’s behavior, if we only stick with it and figure it out. Love can save (change) anyone.

You have a really big life ahead of you. And you have a genuine opportunity to live it with more wisdom that some people will ever attain. I wish you continued healing, growth, and strength as you find your way toward recovery from betrayal.

Slim

LadyA

Hello Slim,

Yes, I was very lucky that I had a few very special people in my life to help me. I actually hadn’t told my mom what was going on at all. She could tell that something was wrong, but couldn’t put her finger on it. One of my good friends threatened me one day and said if I didn’t break up with him, she was calling my mom. Somewhat funny to have a grown woman threaten that on another grown woman, but I called her bluff and she did call my mom. She told her everything.

They did research and called around and found out that not only had he done this before, but he had more than 2 pages of criminal charges on his record in which he had been convicted for, and served 7 years in prison by the age of 28. The charges ranged from stalking, to various levels of theft, to obstruction of justice, all the way to sexual assault and battery. He had even done 2 hit and runs in MY CAR when I was at work! I didn’t know any of this as there was no damage to my vehicle. He also had 3 pending charges on him from a woman who he was dating the same time he was living with me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all of this. And this isn’t even close to all of it….

My mom and my cousin (who is also a police officer) flew into town on the next available flight and held a very “intervention” like meeting with me. They said they would love me and support me in whatever decision I made, but they wanted me to be informed about his past and present. My cousin also said to leave him, I was going to have to leave the city to avoid stalking/physical danger. So, I packed up as much stuff as I could get in my car and left.

I am so thankful for the 3 people who undoubtedly saved my life. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I stayed with him any longer. I wish everyone in this situation had an outlet like I did.

HanaleiMoon

LadyA, you are a wonderful young lady and I agree with Slim, you have a big life ahead of you and the chance to live it with wisdom some of us got very late in life. I’m so happy you had people who love you to come to your rescue and you’ve had three years building a new life. It might not be where you want, or how you want it to be just yet, but you are on your way. Hugs!!

slimone

Wow, He was a real scumbag. I am so glad you don’t have to suffer that any longer. I was also in the dark about the truth of the last spath I knew (as were we all). He actually had at least 7 other women he was wooing while he was telling me he wanted to get married.

I also suspect him in a missing persons case. He had pictures and keepsakes of the girl who had gone missing, and even told me the cops were called because he was having sex with her when she was only 17, and he was in his 30’s. But I will never know. Because I, like you, had the good fortune to part ways after a few short (or LOOOOOONG) months.

It took years to really feel myself again, LadyA. It just takes time. Time that feels, sometimes, like it is ticking by so slowly you can hear it pass. Hang in there. Keep sharing here, if you feel comfortable. If it starts to feel like too much, back off. But keep learning and feeling. At some point you will start to feel lighter and lighter, until you find yourself happy to be you again.

Promise. It does happen.

Take care..Slim

HopingToHeal

So well saiid, Slim. LadyA, I hope you can feel all the love and approval of your wise decisions. One day, you will look back on this and see how strong you’ve been and how very special you are!

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i dont put up with disordered men anymore but damn they is comin outta the woodwork it seems!!!
i feel sad wen i cut it off. i dont want to feel sad over a piece of trash. i have NO more pieces of me left to give a potential spath or whatever.
i wont be understanding
i wont be patient
i wont “put up with u at ur worst so i deserve u at ur best”
BULLSHYT
i will get ur best becuz i will be there for u wen u are at ur worst!!
i wont give a second chance, let alone a third or 4th PULEEZE
i wont be ignored while you work me into ur life
i wont be anything but idolized — or I am OUT
i know this is right and i deserve this as i am worth all the effort of putting forth ur best foot at first
i respond positively to any efforts also, i am not a bitch playing a game
and yet i feel sad when i have to drop another ass.
shaking head
i hate this about myself.

shelby333

My ex has been pinging my LinkedIn account a few times this week and I then got a call. He does this every few months and it has not bothered me much, but this time it did. I did speak with him and we spoke casually and then he told me he was married. I did ask him that question and then he asked me if I was and I said no. I am devastated – what was I thinking would happen? I actually think that he would get his act together and come back to me. But, he marries someone else and keeps peeking at my business page. What is wrong with me? I have gone 2 1/2 of NC and I still feel this way?

What is happening? Can someone please explain this to me?

HanaleiMoon

Shelby, give yourself a little time to get over the initial (normal) reaction to him being married. I have been almost 3 years NC and last spring I found out my ex was getting married in June. I have mentioned it here in another comment, my first reaction was why her and not me (when actually, I had avoided marriage discussions with him), and then realized I was the lucky one. And you are too…they do NOT get their acts together and become normal. YOU are the lucky one too. In February our jointly owned house was sold, and coincidentally, someone “who chose to remain anonymous” has been viewing MY Linkedin account. Might be the ex, might not, but I don’t want him to know where I am (living in the area of the sold house or back where I started from) so am being cagey about my location even though it may hurt my job seeking chances. You’re normal, you have normal emotions and feelings, and you cared about him. Its normal to feel the way you do. It will pass. It will get better for you, me, and all of us, one day at a time. Hugs.

slimone

He pinged you just so he could tell you he was married, and he likely already knew you were not. Don’t beat yourself up. He is married. So what. It’s just a con job, and a piece of paper for him. Nothing more.

You, on the other hand, are living an authentic life. You slipped up and forgot he will always jerk you around, and make you feel as shitty as he can.

No worries. Start no contact again, and keep at it.

I found that these slips can also be validating, once we stop feeling stupid. He showed you he is EXACTLY the same. Hold onto that knowledge and don’t let go of it. Use it as a sheild.

(((hugs)))

HanaleiMoon

Slim, you are exactly on target with your comment. I’m certain my ex got married so fast to show he was the normal one in our relationship while I was the “disordered” one, otherwise, why would he have found a new love so fast while I’m still alone. Riiiiiight. Also, I know enough about his first two marriages and some of his dalliances to know they all took a similar path as his relationship with me, only the names and specifics were different. I know his new marriage will take the same path eventually, if it hasn’t already.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

yes he is EXACTLY the same
becuz it wasnt YOU
it was him
–and him alone
it wasnt a failed relationship
he is a failure AS A PERSON
blech
leaves a bad taste in my mouth thinking i used to kiss him!

slimone

HanaleiMoon,

Yeah, I experienced the same thing. The guy I knew pretended to be someone else and hacked into a blog to tell everyone there that he had been in an ‘intimate’ relationship for a year and a half that started exactly, to the day, when we parted. Good news for me was that I was healed enough to see the total absurdity in the information, and to know that he was so ridiculous he thought no one would figure out it was him. He pretended to be the woman visiting the web site to say she had been with him for a year and a half.

They are forever getting revenge, seeking targets, and generally doing absolutely no good.

shelby333

Thank you all for your comments and support. I imagine that if he was happy in his new relationship, that I’d be the farthest thing from his mind. But, he has to come back and this is where I came in.

I feel like it is starting over and that this is how we met in the first place. Him being married and in an unhappy relationship and now that he is married again, contacting me. It is my fault for reaching out when he did, but he was bugging me in his back-handed way of doing it.

He is so slick and smooth that I hardly know what happened. I feel so stupid.

slimone

Shelby333,

Do go easy on yourself. They can seem so harmless at a distance, that it is easy to think that maybe their personalities have actually normalized. It’s only when we get up close that we find it is all a giant ruse.

It will never be anything but a ruse. Ever. No matter what it LOOKS like. Looks are deceiving. We have heard it a million times, along with ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’.

I always interpreted that to mean not to be judgemental. I now believe it points out that we need to be discerning. And to discern we need to do more than have an opinion based on appearance, or surface stuff. Instead we also need to feel and intuit. The greatest gift, in my opinion, in protecting ourselves from the games these types play is to pay attention to our lightening speed intuition, that just gives us subtle gut level hints that something is amiss.

It might be a sightly queasy feeling, accompanied by the desire to get away. It might be a nervous fluttery sensation, or uneasiness around someone. It isn’t in ‘words’, and full formed ‘thoughts’. It is our gentle guiding system that interprets danger so quickly that we don’t generally know (at the time) why we feel that way.

I have learned to pay attention to these sensations and quick indicators. They are nearly always right.

HanaleiMoon

Slim, in retrospect, my inability to pay attention to the queasy feelings and desire to get away was my downfall. I had no idea of this type of disorder, and assumed he was just a jerk at times. My ex was a master of manipulation and cognitive dissonance. We lived in CA and he had a family bungalow on the beach in Mexico and over a few years spent two weekends a month there. He had a pattern of mistreating me on the first day there, leaving me devastated and in tears, and on the second day, treating me like a princess, so by the time we got home, I let it go. I can remember nights at his house, laying awake all night wishing I was home in my own bed, in my safe home, but never left because I had heard a thousand times if I heard it once that his ex’s hadn’t worked on the relationship and ran…and I wanted to show him that I was different and wouldn’t run when difficulties arose. I know now this crap is so classic it’s textbook.

I have many, many examples of this, and of course, wasn’t aware of what was happening until I was away from him awhile, had time for my head to clear, get therapy and educate myself.

I now pay attention too, and trust my gut. This is why education is so, so important. My therapist saved my sanity when she told me I didn’t know what was happening because he didn’t want me to know. If I am honest with myself, he showed his true colors on the very first date and my reaction was he was just socially inept and kind of a lunkhead, and I felt sorry for him and gave him a second chance. Little did I know he was already messing with my mind.

slimone

OMgosh HanaleiMoon! I totally relate to knowing on the first date that something was not right. Me too. But just like you I thought he was just a little bit rough around the edges, and maybe nervous (I sure was), and gave him the benefit.

I don’t give the benefit any longer. I only hang out with people I have established true trust with, who did not give me those little doubts from the get go. I dont’ move into relationships quickly, and I have really firm boundaries about it.

I am sort of still in the ‘good bucket, bad bucket’ place. If anything tells me that there is something to place you in the bad bucket, yer outta here.

HopingToHeal

Shelby333,

Slick and smooth is so accurate. And subtle. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. You are not stupid, but vulnerable. So are all his other women. The scumbag Spath will use the smallest passive aggressive actions to manipulate, it is so difficult to have a defense in your mind for the unexpected.

I’m breaking free. I’m not contacting him. I feel so much better because my mind is clearing again.

But today, he calls and lets the phone ring twice and then hangs up. Just to lodge himself back into my thoughts. Of course, it only peeved me off. It didn’t make me long for him, but in his mind, it was worth a try.

They will try anything to keep control. It makes it very difficult to recover. We should always keep heading in the direction of recovery, no matter what they throw at us.

slimone

Good for you HopingToHeal! You are sounding better and better. I am really glad for you that you are finding moments of clarity and self-protection. You are totally right….heading in the direction of recovery NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, is imperative. Contact is a derailer for sure.

Slim

HopingToHeal

Thanks Slim. I’m following in the steps and under the advisement of some heroes here on LF -Donna, her team and all of y’all. Thank The Lord he sent me here. 🙂

slimone

And, Hoping, you had the good sense to listen and learn. We can be led to water, but we don’t necessarily have to drink it.

Slim

taralav

Hoping to heal- I am also struggling with the no contact. Like him calling you letting the phone ring..it is his way back in. That is what I have been going thru..all day. He sent me a message saying ” I will be contacted by someone who will get his belongings”. He has been telling me this since he started cheating months ago. The new girlfriend tells him shes addicted to him. They say they love each other. I know I read and listen to all that you and the others write..i can not for the life of my truly grasp it.

My friend says im in denial. Did he never love me at all?? 6 years it was all a lie and fake. He took care of my when my sister died, he helped me with my son, we had wonderful holidays and I am supposed to just forget everything? I need him to explain why he was cheating..and telling me he was coming home…that he loved me. I know there is not easy way to breakup. But what he did was so so traumatizing. How do I know he was a sociopath..and not just a cheater who wanted out of our relationship?

HopingToHeal

Taralav,

I understand your pain and disbelief. I’m sure you are in denial. Your life changed in one moment and you are off kilter. Your reality was disrupted and your life violently altered. Your brain will be slow to catch up, But it will. The time in between is very painful. I’m so sorry. I wish that this type of betrayal didn’t exist. You will come out of this, I promise!

One thing that I see in you,that I also have myself, is an intense will to fight the circumstances you are in. Naturally, you don’t want this to be true. I didn’t either. I fought so hard to bring my life back into order. I could not and would not accept that this was happening to me. That was a mistake that delayed my healing.

Many women just dust themselves off and move on with the attitude of “you won’t do this to me!”. I couldn’t do that, or I stubbornly wouldn’t do it because I insisted on understanding what happened. Of course, I will never get the answers. I should have moved on immediately. He had No Right to do this to me!

I hope that you will consider accepting what is. How could he? Why would he? What happened? All those questions are useless. He did this because he wanted too. That’s it. Relieve yourself of the constant pressure of understanding. Please let yourself accept what is. Flow with the sadness and grief. It’s awful and unfair. Do as Donna suggest and let the emotion out in personal place alone. Yell, scream, beat your pillow. Then accept the sadness. It will stay with you a while, but will leave sooner if you work with it as opposed to against it. I hate that you have to go through this. We all hate it for you. Hearing your suffering is heartbreaking. Hold onto every story of hope that you read. You will be in a much better place soon!

As for the question of “is he a sociopath?”. I can’t say, but he is a giant ass and that’s enough to be rid of him. Ask yourself – Does he show any remorse? -No. Does he blame you for something he did?-yes. Did he deceive and manipulate you?-yes. Did he arrogantly plan this out?-yes. Does he have any empathy for you or your son?-no. Is this behavior a pattern throughout his life?-yes.

He has a disregard for others. He has no respect for the part of your life you shared with him. He has hurt your son and walked away-no empathy. I don’t know but that sounds like some kind of personality disorder to me. Many, many, many men stray, have affairs and leave their families and they are not Spaths. The difference is how they are overall. The big picture of who they are. This man pretended that everything was going well with you even after he started seeing her. He has a personality disorder. His ex wife hates him. Are you beginning to see it? If he’s not a Spath, he is seriously jacked up.

Please go through the questions I asked and answer them as if you were the one who had betrayed him. Would you handle this the way he did? NO! Because you have compassion and empathy. If you made a mistake, you would still care for the person you injured. You would still be involved with the child.

He is keeping you on the hook and manipulating you. Why? Maybe he’s sadistic. Maybe he likes the control. Maybe he has you there just in case his new life falls through. Whatever the reason, it’s Not because he loves you.

Sweetie, he will never realize what he had. He is not capable. He serves only his own desires and needs. I raised a family with my husband and we were together for 23 years. He’s gone and most of his clothes and all his belongings are still here. His daughter is here. His tools, his work out equipment, everything! He took three suitcases and a couple of garbage bags full of stuff. That was over a year ago. I believed he would come home. I believed he loved me. But He’s done with this life. Done. And he is fine with it.

Tara, please don’t waste the time I’ve wasted. Focus on what your life is today. Not what it was, not what you hoped for, but today. What can you do to help yourself and your son make it today? Just today.

Everyone here on LF has great empathy for those who are at the very beginning of this agonizing process. It’s the roughest part. Soothe yourself with music or baths or sleep. Be as calm as possible. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. Everything WILL be ok. One day at a time.
Hugs, hugs, hugs

Imara

Hoping, what a sweet reply for Taralav!!! And so very true in all aspects.
Taralav, sending you tons of good wishes!! Please take tender care of yourself!!!

taralav

Imara thank you I am really trying. .I don’t sleep much at all always thinking what hes doing with her and what I did wrong to be discarded so fast.

taralav

Hoping to heal-thank you for your sweet words again this site is all I have right now to read and reread over what everyone says. I can’t believe 23 years you were with your husband and what he did. It’s so awful and you are such a nice person..why do we get to be targets. I can’t sleep at night I lay awake in disbelief over everything that has taken place. I hope I can get out of this denial phase and start to see what has happened to me. I have a son who is my world and all he sees is me come home and.crawl into bed daily. I feel paralyzed. .sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe the pain is so much. I am not ever going to have my family back..his kids that I love and the man I was going to grow old with. Just thrown out. Nothing I ever did for him mattered to him and I just can’t grasp it. I keep trying to pick myself apart ..if he wasn’t happy with me..I didn’t know it. I knew we argued alot because of his lies. But he.now has this young girlfriend and hes already saying he loves her. How could he love her after sharing years with me! !

HopingToHeal

Tara,

These people are very shallow. They have no depth to their emotions. Everything is about what is happening in the moment….what is making them feel good.

Imagine how you feel when you hear that someone you don’t know has their car stollen. You think “hmm, that’s not fair”. Or “that’s awful”, but you don’t feel the need to go look for their car or buy them a new one. Right? Well, that emotion for the person that lost their car is more emotion than your Spath can feel. He has no real feelings and only mimics the feelings of those around him. He mirrors who you are. When you were with him, he acted a way that he knew would satisfy you. He spoke in a way that was soothing. NHL cared for your son. But all that came from what he intuitively read through you. He became what you needed so that he could enjoy you needing him.

Once he bored of that situation, he sought a new role to play. He can be every woman’s dream because he has nothing to lose. He is shallow and his heart never takes on the deep feelings of love and attachment. He’s a shallow pool of water and the love you thought you saw in him was only the reflection of the love you give.

I understand the place you are in. It’s heart wrenching, soul retching despair. I know you feel like your life is over…ITS NOT! You are going to get through this. Stay away from him. Have no contact. He is worthless to this world so let him travel the path to hell that he is on.

Sleep is very good for you right now. Give in to it. Crying is good also, although your son doesn’t need to watch it happen. Stay in your room and cry. His young heart breaks every time he sees you in anguish. Plus he is hurting from his abandonment.

Don’t fret over the future. Now is not the time. Calm your mind. Rest, listen to music, talk to your counselor about trauma. If you are a person of faith, take time to read your Bible. Look up every promise of God. He’s there for you. You may not feel him close, but he’s there. I found worship services to be very calming. You don’t have to participate, just sit and rest in the calm spiritual presence of others. You will find some healing.

Now is not the time to put pressure on yourself. I would just go through the motions day by day. Your mind will start to mend and you will feel better. There is no getting around the healing of your mind. That must come first. Quite, low stress is the environment you need. Calm.,let your mind rest. Accept this place for now. Begin healing. There is a better day coming, but for today, let you mind be still.

Please don’t lose hope. Your son and you will have lots of love and happiness in the future. It’s just too soon to see it. Let it go and let your heart and mind calm down.

I hope you are able to rest. Take care of yourself.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Taralav and HopingtoHeal, (and others…)
I am someone who needed to understand. And the answer HAD to make sense, that’s why I was in circular thinking so long. It took a long time for me to get to the SHORT answer.

Tara,
You are in circular thinking. (a form of shock) This is what finally helped me break the circle:

He could do it because…
He did it because…
How could he? Because….
Why doesn’t he realize…?

Short answer: Because he is a different animal.

You would never do this. YOU are NORMAL.
You Could not do X. YOU are NORMAL.

He is NOT NORMAL.
He is amoral. Without morality. Inhuman. Morally insane. He is a different animal.

Don’t beat yourself up for circular thinking. I was SO bad that my moniker was Thick Skull, because it took repeating to get it into my head. I had post it notes all over my home, so that I could remind myself. I wrote:
“Because that’s what Predators do”.

You didn’t see it coming because he is a Covert Predator. A Different animal. You thought he was a man…
But instead, he is a different animal, a Covert Predator. That’s why it doesn’t make sense.

HanaleiMoon

Oh, Tara, you didn’t do anything wrong to be discarded! HopingToHeal is wise and has given you such great things to think about. One thing to remember is that normal people do not abandon or discard others…things might not work out and you might break up but there will not be a discard with no discussion or closure.

My own 7 year relationship was all a lie and fake too. I thought we had wonderful holidays, trips, etc. but when I really examine it, I know that it was due to my efforts, my ability to overlook things, and my forgiving nature. That is not to say they can’t “act” and some memories aren’t real, but they didn’t feel it the way you did. The hard fact is that it meant nothing to them. With time, you will reconcile all this and begin to stop questioning yourself. I wish I had a dollar for every time I told mine “I didn’t do anything wrong” and try to explain/justify myself to my ex for something he was criticizing/ridiculing/blaming me for when I HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG. In the future, I know if I even think about saying I didn’t do anything wrong to someone and feel my stomach clench, I’m out of there.

Again, HopingToHeal is right on target, and much more articulate than I am. It will take time to come to terms with this and realize you are not to blame. There was nothing you could do to change this, and know that the new girlfriend will eventually be discarded too.

I was where you were not too long ago. Fortunately, I was abandoned so completely and cruelly that I instinctively went NC and never communicated with him again except as necessary through an attorney. After the initial cruelty, he attempted to contact me several times via text and voicemail to suck me back in and I responded only once, sounding pitiful and actually explaining to him why I wasn’t responding! Ugh!! That was the last time. By then, he had focused on a new target(s) and is now married to one. I am sorry for what I know is coming in her life, but thankful that he has a new focus. This allowed me the peace and space to get over the denial, pain and disbelief. There are some things we will never understand and they are best left alone. I too, had many times of questioning whether he was just a “normal” jerk and cheater and ruminating over my own behavior and wondering if it was me, even worrying if I provoked that final discard as he said I did when I knew for certain, he had made up the shitstorm to get what he wanted.

Getting my life back on track became a full time job and within time (and I mean a year or two), I no longer thought about him or the relationship in the way you do when a normal relationship ends. I thought I had destroyed all his pictures and came across a few I had forgotten about when I packed to move recently, and I was disgusted and repulsed at the sight of him – so I can tell you the time will come for you too. There is much to process and it will take the time it takes. Know that we understand and support you.

HopingToHeal

HanaLei,

I’m so sorry you had to go through this but It’s good to hear that you have gotten your life back on track! Such great encouragement for TaraLuv and us all. Your story is all to familiar. With no moral compass, these people seek to destroy. It’s never by mistake, but always planned. I love your word for the chaos. It really is a shitstorm.

Best wishes for a peaceful and joyful future!

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

HanaleiMoon,
I did the same thing in my marriage. It lasted as long as it did because it was so one-sided. I put everything into it, he threw a crumb every once in a while.

I remember one time, he was so angry because I complained about him not spending time with us. His angry response? “Didn’t I go on that cruise with you?”

One week a year? was all I was to expect? That I planned, saved, paid for, and packed us up.

Well, golly gee.
Put another log on the fire. Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
…yes, dear predator. You shooore doo luv me.

HanaleiMoon

NotWhatHeSaid, oh, yeah, thanks for going on that cruise buddy!

My ex and I traveled a lot and did a lot of “fun” activities (car shows, art fairs, etc.). Toward the end, he started causing problems before, or on the way to, stuff so that we ended up not going. One time we went out to dinner before a concert, had a perfectly nice dinner and when we got in the car, he headed home, saying he wasn’t going to the concert after my behavior at dinner. What?! I had no idea what he was talking about but of course knocked myself out trying to make things right. Finally, one day he had a meltdown to me as we were getting ready to go to a charity car show we had paid good money for tickets to and he refused to go because of something I had supposedly did and said to me – I get it now, you create problems intentionally so we don’t go to things I want to go to but you aren’t interested in…this never happens when it’s something YOU want to go to. The lightbulb went on over my head and I realized he was doing it on purpose.

BTW, we went on several cruises and he ruined all of them. My theory? It is convenient to abuse someone on a cruise ship because they’re trapped.

taralav

I do hope you are right and I will start to see and be disgusted. I can’t see anything right now but the extreme sense of emptiness, and I feel so worthless. Hes made me look pathetic..hes called me pathetic and said I am just a idiot and so on. I ask him doesn’t he care about all our years together. .the answer always changes. He didn’t decide to break up..he was cheating for months prior and as soon as he knew he was in good with this girl. .he completely threw me away. All the months he was telling me he was fixing himself and coming home. I was so blind. How do you leave your home and someone you call your best friend. I miss him still isn’t it terrible. I miss someone who has thrown me and my son away in the blink of a eye

Stargazer

Hoping to Heal, GOOD FOR YOU! You are MY hero today. Remember, if he calls 100 times, and you pick up the phone on the 100th call, he now knows that it take 100 calls for you to pick up. So just don’t do it.

kalina

Intuition, I agree, is the key to sanity. Intensify this quality in yourself and the clarity it contains. It is primordial and the greatest gift we have been blessed with. Unfortunately, we sensitive individuals have been raised to intensify our focus onto others. Being too concerned to win a semblance of affirmation in exchange for authenticity in our close relationships. Our most important relationship should be the one we have with ourselves. When this relationship is strong and healthy, we have nothing to fear except fear itself. Kalina

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i found this today on a website about healing autoimmune thryoid disease:
“…it’s time to find the buried honey in the bitterness of our lives.”
it struck me.
i had been trying and then gotten overwhelmed. i need to find it. i need to go back to trying. there is honey to be gathered, in the bitterness of the aftermath of a disordered person-tornado. i am soooo tired of gathering, of hunting, of scratching for it. but it IS there.
may we all continue to gather the honey.

I have attained FREEDOM FROM SPATH! After 3 years of ‘dealing’ with all his “tricks” and “trips” he has finally Flown the Coup!

I am fortunate, he was offered and took, a job in California. We lived in Kentucky, and I just bought the little farm I’m living on. There are 2200 miles between us, so at least I won’t be ‘looking over my shoulder’ for him to try sneaking back into my life.

You will all appreciate this part – he left ALL of his ‘belongings’ behind. He packed what he could in his car, waved good-bye, and headed west, with the ‘promise’ that he’d be back for the rest of his stuff (which he left in piles and heaps everywhere on my property). Four days later when asked what should be done with it all, the response is, “sell it, keep it, or throw it away. It isn’t worth my coming back for!” Are We Surprised?

Other than his clothing and some equipment used for making jewelry that I have no use for, there were a number of tools that I am glad to have! They Almost Cover the financial losses he caused me. I already sold one of his trailers, and have folks interested in some of the other things he left behind.

The thing is though – he just up and walked away and left it all for me to deal with. Typical spath behavior – leave the mess for someone else to clean up.

I’m in the process of writing a paper for my friends in the psychology field, and expect I’ll have it finished in a month or so. If anyone is interested in reading it after they’ve “edited” it, I’d be happy to share what I learned.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

Yes! I totally relate to ur experience. I had to wait for my spath to head west too and leave what he cudnt get in a couple suitcases…cuz he’d be back rofl…yeah right. i knew once i cud get him to leave on his own, we wudnt deal with him again. hopefully thats ur experience as well in the future. if u dont have kids with him, i can almost guarantee it.
i keep giving him no reason to talk to me, even having kids.
the last few times ive let him talk to them, i hung up the phone after they were done. i have NO interest in anything he has to say…sending me money? great i’ll believe it wen i get it (never gotten a dime in 3 yrs). coming out to see them? damn but i’ll deal with it wen u get here (has no way to get out here) getting remarried? i care, why?? ur mom’s dying? and i care becuz (his mom is a NPD if not a spath herself).
thank god spaths go after the SHINYs lol
freakin little kids

SER

uncannie1…hooray for you that he is gone! Yes, typical spath behavior.

I would love to read your paper.

Thank you Ser,

I can admit that I do have the teeter-totter feelings about him, but the thing that keeps me going and not pouting is that HE was the crazy one, not me. Oh, I’m not completely sane either, after being in Iraq for 16 months, a few of my own marbles rolled out of their slots. But, as a result of that I was the perfect patsy for this guy.

Although I “lived” the experience, I did so while taking psychology classes at university. After I got through a few chapters on “Aberrant Behavior Diseases” and recognized his patterns, I was actually armed with knowledge of the tricks and tactics he was playing. I haven’t come through it unscathed, believe me. He cost me thousands of dollars, and being disowned by my only son. I haven’t seen my grand children in 2 years because of him. I will soon rectify that situation, but the fact that it happened at all is another way these people manipulate us into ‘isolation’ from those we love.

I’ve been here before, and I can tell you that I am in no way in the kind of pain I was the last time. My counselors at the VA have told me they’ve never met a ‘stronger’ woman, in all that I am able to cope with. I wonder about that, but I’ve certainly learned my lessons well this time! And, because I wrote diary entries throughout it all, I can now go back over it all, and make much clearer correlations in his behaviors than while I was being subjected to his disorders. So, while I’m writing a ‘paper’, I’m also releasing all of the feelings that his behaviors caused, and letting the anger and hurt slip into the boxes that I’m packing containing his junk before I put it all in a garage sale – $5 a box! Grab Boxes… could be really cool stuff or not… LOL

He filed a permanent change of address with the post office, so I’ve become the owner of a bunch of stuff that I’ve not a clue about. But, that won’t last long, and I’ll be selling off his stuff so if he ever comes back here, there won’t be anything for him at all.

I seriously doubt that he’ll ever venture back here. He’s a good looking, 51 year old Jeweler, and he is a smooth talker, manipulator extraordinaire! The only thing is, that I know his new woman boss is in the process of a divorce. This is exactly the same position his Ex-wife was in when he met and subsequently married her. She owned her own jewelry store, and he tried to take it from her, and when she wouldn’t let go – he tried to kill her!

I’m wondering if I should send her some kind of warning to keep herself away from him. I don’t know the woman, but as a woman, I feel a certain need to warn her of the danger he represents. But, if I do, and he looses his job, what then? I sure as hell don’t want him back here!

What do you think?

SER

uncannie1…I don’t know…from my experience, women usually do not listen to the warnings. They want to do what they want to do…they follow their heart and not their head. I myself was warned and even I did not heed the warning so in my opinion, you can do it, but I don’t think it would help. I just wish we weren’t all so crazy over these stupid men who could care less if we lived or died. It’s awful. I see it all around me and it’s very disheartening.

I wish the best for you and hope you never have to deal with him again!

AnnettePK

Consider contacting his new victim and just say who you are and let her know that if she ever has any questions or would like to talk to you about anything, you’d be happy to answer questions or talk with her. She will know you’re available if/when she wants information. If you warn her with specifics about the predator, depending on her mindset at the time, she or he could turn it against you somehow.

SER

AnnettePK…very good advice!

yvette71

Thanks taralav,
Ive also been left devastated and unbelieving. It’s been 6 months since he asked me and my daughters to move out and showed no remorse, pain, or struggle with his choice. He already had a new potential and even now, will talk to me about her and how he mat be in love with her and moving state to be with her. We were together 8 years and had my 2 kids from a previous marriage and his ex wife died while we were together, so we had his 3 kids full time for the last 5 years. I’ve been to counseling where I was told he was a sociopath. I was a confident, attractive, outgoing person and have been addicted to this man for so long and kept hoping and waiting for him to grow up and stop screwing around and looking for other women. We had moments of good and I now know that he never had a real feeling in his heart for me, or for anyone else. He wants to be rid of hos kids and says that he shouldn’t have to worry about then, it’s his life abd he should never have taken them on. It’s like who he always was has escalated and I have been horrified and in agony for months. Every story I read could be him. I try no contact and do well for awhile but somehow wind up talking again every few weeks. When I’m doing well, he wants me. He still asks for sex. And when I’m down, he is cruel and derogatory. It’s a vicious, awful cycle and one um hoping to break very soon. There really is no heart there and no hope with him.

HopingToHeal

Yvette71,

I hate to read of your sadness and pain. The cycle of manipulation, that you find yourself in, is torturous. It is addictive. There is truly something spiritually evil about how they trap us and hold onto us. They sense when become stronger and then swoop back in for the kill. Isn’t that the way it feels, like your soul is being killed over and over? But the hypnosis of their fake love is so powerful.

My husband has gotten worse and worse, too. I think that when they are done with us, they want to move on to a new victim, but they continue to return to us just to get the high that controlling us brings. Breaking free and NC is the only way out.

Are his children with you now? I admire you for being their momma after their biological mom passed away. They are very fortunate to have you. How awful is it that he doesn’t want them now? I would be very frightened of him.

I hope you can build up your resolve, make connections with other people so you do not need his attention, and disconnect from him completely. It’s the only way to find peace. You and your kids will be on my heart.

yvette71

Hoping to heal,
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s amazing how good it feels to have found this site and to know I’m not alone. His youngest child and I are close and still spend some time together but it’s obviously not the same. It’s hard for me but it’s harder for her to deal with, as she has to go it alone with him. The older ones are very closed emotionally to me and I think that will not be repaired. I think they are glad I’m not living that life anymore. This relationship cost me more than emotionally, like others, I was financially used…but who thinks that when you are planning to be married? The one thing that rings true is that they don’t feel like we do, think like we do or care like we do. Not about anyone. I had all the signs for such a long time and even now, can’t believe I stayed as long as I did. But I’m starting NC again and I will take one day at a time again. I feel like an addict and I believe that I am. I was thinking today that a sponsor would be a good idea and I wish there were support groups we could go to to talk to others in person. I’ve even thought of hypnotism. I think though, all things pass and this will too. It’s not a normal relationship we have, we have been abused and that will take time to go away. But I’m fairly sure we will all recognise one next time! Just look for the charmer making wisecracks at the table…..and run! Xx

AnnettePK

The predators use hypnotic techniques to suck us in in the first place. I listened to a very good relaxation tape with suggestions and affirmations specifically for overcoming the addiction to a psychopath daily for over a year, which worked well to reprogram my mind.

SER

yvette71…absolutely!! I am saying that to your comment about the charmer at the table making wisecracks…that was my ex without a doubt. He was beyond charming and had a line of women just swooning over him. I have said the same thing…now that I have learned, as soon as I see one ounce of charm coming from someone…I turn the other way. It’s a manipulation tactic.

SER

yvette71…I hate this happened to you. It’s really heartbreaking, but do you see one key thing here? It’s about the sex. As soon as he gets it from you, he turns on you again. It’s all a horrible game. And he’s with someone else! And he’s still asking you for sex! So when you have sex with him, you are having sex with her. There is a proven thing I am sure you heard that when you have a sex partner, you are sleeping with all the people they slept with. There is even a chart in my Gynecologist’s office on the wall that shows this. You are right…it is a vicious cycle…a sex cycle. Please do NOT give in to him. It makes me sad just thinking about how you are being used. 🙁

yvette71

Ser,
You are right and the last time I actually asked him to use a condom…he got defensive and said he had been tested blah blah blah…the relationship hadn’t become sexual etc…all could be true or a total load of crap. And the best thing to happen was that it was still magnetic but not as much as before and I told him after that that it wouldn’t be happening again. Of course he said he had made that decision because he always has to be that one…but I feel worse about myself after any contact and may actually be starting to finally learn! And yes, it’s a game, he tells me that it means nothing to him as we are not together and I’m not important to him…I bet he’s not saying that to the one he’s grooming. I am sick of being used.

SER

yvette71…I am so glad you are getting it! Don’t let him use you ever again. I feel confident you are on the right track and will not let him do this to you again. When he told you their relationship had not become sexual…hahahahaha…right…tell me another one! The way the majority of people have sex with each other on the first or second date…there is NO way I would believe that! No way!!!! He has already proved to be a liar and a cheat…why would you believe that?? Good luck to you with No Contact!!! Just know you are better than that and have respect for yourself…you CAN do it!! 🙂

yvette71

I just heard this and wanted to share it with everyone. I think its a perfect strength song for ushttp://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e0r3zbGvfYk

kaya48

Hi everyone,
I think the perfect “strength” song is “In oceans deep” by Hillsong United. I want to thank this website for giving me the strength and hope through out this most difficult time of my life. As my divorce nears the end, I am finally free. Free to be myself, free to not to believe his lies and betrayals. It was very hard to be discarded after a 20 years marriage for a 20 something co worker/deputy. Looking back I know now this was the best thing that ever happened to me besides my son. I am so thankful to her to take my place, to be disrespected and put down. To be in a constant “crazy making experience, to be devalued, to be made worthless’.
Thanks to my zealous attorney, who really worked hard for me, I can go on with my life. Yes, I lost many material things in my life. In return I gained so much. So much that it brings tears into my eyes. I was awarded permanent spousal support/alimony for the rest of my life.
Today is month number 10 of no contact….absolutely no contact. He cannot push my buttons, he cannot get any reaction out of me, because he is nothing to me…just like a grey rock…not worth looking at.
In court proceedings I did not look at him, talk to him or engage in any conversations…I am so proud of myself..
My advise to anyone dealing with a sociopath is:
Get the best attorney you can afford, if you cant, borrow money from family and friends so you can.
Cut of all contact and fight your battle….its the fight of your life, believe me….and looking back I won this battle.

Thank you lovefraud for making me realize that I do not have to be a doormat…..I am worth so much more and he never deserved me, ever.

SER

kaya48…Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. I love that song. One of my favorites. We sing it at my church. Months and months ago, I actually posted those words to this song on my Facebook page.

Bally

Taralav, we all have our own ways of healing and try all the suggestions given to you. For me, the disbelief that someone could behave in such a way caused me turmoil. I believe reading everything you can about psychopathy is a great healer….to the point you are replacing your addiction of him with your new thirst for knowledge of his disorder. Every time you think of him let that be a trigger for picking up a book on psychopathy. His disorder will then become a big turn-off. You will then no longer feel the need to ask him what happened between you, because you will have the answers in your books. No longer will you agonise over his behaviours and what he did to you because you will have read it was typical of his disorder, predictable and inevitable. I now just use my memories of the psychopath’s behaviour as real-life examples of what I am reading. I just now see him as a text book case to help my learning. He is just a psychopath nothing more.

taralav

Thank you for your post. I have just had such a hard time grasping what has happened. He has completely moved on and with a new young girl. .nothing I feel or say to him matters. All I keep asking is why..why. I took such good care of him and hischildren it isn’t fair im going thru this pain. I do nothing but sleep my weekend away to make the pain go away.it feels like a nightmare that will never end. Why can’t I get mad..and where is my self respect. I have none anymore.

kaya48

Bally
That is such good advice. Every time I thought of my soon to be ex husband I thought of lucifer. He was a beautiful angel but so evil. I learned so much about sociopaths and there really isn’t anything good about them. This made if much easier to let go. I quitt that addiction. It took me almost a year. To this day I remember when I filed for divorce. I asked my lawyer if I should really go ahead with it. He said “what are you waiting for? Till you are dead?” He was so right . Thinking back I realize that I had no other choice. After 20 years I finally could see the truth, the real person behind that mask. And I did not like what I saw.
After a year of very ugly divorce proceedings it is almost over. Even when everything looks dark there will be light at the end. Good luck.

Bally

Kaya, glad you are working through it.

kaya48

Thanks Bally
I am glad that I was able to remain strong. My faith helped me tremendously. In the end my soon to be ex is the real looser. Through his actions and betrayals he lost his family. He lost the love and respect of his only child. He probably gained some monetary things but what is that compared to losing your family? He discarded me because I did not meet the standard of his narcissistic supply anymore. At first I blamed myself and had difficulties accepting it. I now know that the problem was him all along.
The pain he caused me stopped when I enforced the no contact. Divorcing him took the thorn out of my body which caused so much hurt. I am in control now and it feels great. I have peace and sanity and I thank God every day for taking him out of my life.

Bally

Kaya, a happy ending for you, well done on moving forward. Victims don’t realise at the time that being dumped by the psychopath is the best gift they could give us. My understanding is they can not stand the knowledge of our life being happier and more successful without them in it. Especially if they set us free to achieve it!

taralav

After a horrible 2 days of crying and just pain he sends a email to me..he called me a coward because I had blocked him from text message. He said he was going to come back and work it out if I had not told on him to his ex wife that he went out of town with his new girlfriend. He was irrate that I told his ex the truth because he lied to her about where he went and couldn’t get his son. But hsays he was going to come back and work out until I did that??no! He has a new girlfriend he was cheating on me this is just the type of comments he days to hurt me and make me pick apart my life with him and make me question everything. He said I always would pick fights with him and tell him he was no good. That is true because of the constant lies. I didn’t deserve to be discarded like that and cheated on. It makes me so sick he tells this new girl he loves her. I can’t believe my entire life with him was fake

kaya48

You know I was called the same “pathetic” and also idiot. He was cheating with the co worker after bring married for almost 20 years. What opened my eyes was how coldly he could just walk away from his family. Not only me but also his son. Just like that. They have no conscience or empathy. They cannot see or feel your pain. It’s not possible. And they will blame you to justify their actions.
I used to ask him over and over “why”? You know what, you will never get an explanation or reason. So don’t even ask “why”. It’s useless .
Think about yourself, focus on you. Not him. I am at this point now where I do not care or even think of him anymore. He is a cowardly loser. And there is no more room in my life for evil. It’s over. He abusedcmr for almost 20 years and then threw me away like garbage. Just like that.
By him being a cop he threw every obstacle possible in my way. He tried to send me to a mental institution, hd tried to put a restraining order against me. Anything what could me look “bad” in the divorce. Nothing worked. They saw his evil plans and knew I was being set up by a “dirty” cop. Thank god for my awesome attorney.
Be very careful and always try to be one step ahead of the sociopath. I learned the hard way.

HanaleiMoon

Tara, I agree with kaya, you have to stop engaging in ANY conversations with him, as they are all intended to gaslight and harm you. Any contact will end up in hurt and confusion for you. He is trying to make you think it is your fault that he hasn’t come back, it is a game for him.

I have been right where you are. A seven year relationship (that i know now was all lies) and we had just bought a dream home together in a new state. My home sold and I put most of the down payment in while he was behind, waiting for his home to sell. In less than 3 months, he blew up over nothing (I took him to the morning farmer’s market as a surprise and he didn’t have his sunglasses…after I asked him 3 times if he had them before we left, yes, this was all it was) and he flew home the next day after skewering me alive the rest of the day. I thought it would blow over but soon became crazy with fear, as the house payment was over $4,000 a month and I didn’t have a job. I never saw him again. In his last email to me, among other things, he said this: that I knew that he wouldn’t move in order to be abused and I had many fences to mend, and he didn’t even know where to suggest that I start. Sound familiar? Well, I found out later that he already had introduced his kids to his new girlfriend when he had written that email and that he had pretty much always had other women on the side the entire relationship. I instinctively went no contact because that email was so mean and even though I felt skinned alive for a very very long time, I turned my focus onto me and not losing that house and ruining my credit (because of course, he stopped paying his fair share after awhile).

I was told I picked fights too, but all I was doing was reacting normally to his crap, which is probably what you are doing too. Him leaving, not coming back, or anything else he did or didn’t do is not because of anything you did or didn’t do…he does whatever he wants, plain and simple.

You are in the worst stage right now, and no contact will save you. Block him on email or change your email address. Grow eyes in the back of your head. Don’t answer the phone if it is a number you don’t recognize. Don’t answer the door. Continuing to engage him will only prolong the pain, keep you hurt and confused and delay the healing. We’ve all been there.

kaya48

Taralev
Please don’t engage in any conversation with him. Just do not respond. You need to start no contact. Focus on you and forget about him. I have been in the same situation. My soon to be ex moved on with a young co worker, they are both deputies. While I was basically begging him to come home and crying my eyes out he was wasting marital assets on cruises with her, buying her jewelry and just living it up. Believe me I went through hell all the while he blamed me for not “being skinny enough, pretty or young enough .” The only way I broke this “crazy making” was blocking him from my life. He got no reaction out of me, no answer to his mails and I changed my phone numbers. I filed for divorce and never looked back once. Don’t relive the past. Focus on the present and let him go. He is not worth it. You are worth so much more.
I would never let anyone disrespect me like he did. He was trying to make me think I am insane.
It has been 14 months since he left and now I know that it was gods plan for me to have peace. I felt exactly like you. But I kept going. One day at a time. Please stay strong.

taralav

I am trying he just has torn me to shreds. I am in our house he hasn’t picked up his things its like he cares about nothing just left everything. .and went to her. Hes 12 years older then her she works with him also..I helped him prepare for this new job bought him clothes..and day 1 of his new job back in September he told all his coworkers he was a single dad. Six years but he acted single?? This girl is now who he says he loves? And im just nothing. He takes her out places that were our spots. .and already went away to meet her parents at their beach house. Its all do fast I’m . just left here shattered. He bought me a diamond we had plans to make a ring he has just shocked me .. im in denial I don’t know. I can’t believe after all I did for him and his kids hes left me..my son.

kaya48

Hanalei moon
You are so right. To this day I owe it to people like you here on lovefraud. Reading all these comments made me realize that the one and only way to regain sanity is to keep the “no contact”. Taralev you are in a very difficult stage right now. That stage lasted almost 3 months for me. It is the most painful one. It is hard to break any contact. He wants to get a reaction out of you, positive or negative. Just don’t give him any reaction. “Ignore the devil and he will go away, don’t give him the time of the day”. What you are doing now is inviting the devil into your home and letting him sit on your couch. Don’t communicate with evil.
Taralev, I wish you all the strength and I will be praying for you.

taralav

Thank you both for writing to me yes that sounds familiar definitely he constantly makes excuses for what he did. .as I’ve always said I am not perfect yes I had my faults in our relationship I dealt with a rough two years with my sister passing away, but the simple response I give him is YOU CHEATED. Not me. No matter what our issues were. .all his years of lies I stayed loyal to him. The lies were too much! I loved him and his kids regardless. He stole my mother’s credit card.and charged $1900..it was for our cat who needed surgery, but my mom had.not given him permission. to use it..he told me he had paid the vet and applied for care credit. When my mom found out she called the house. .I heard him whisper to my mom I said what was that about? He said nothing. Later I found out he had let me take blame and led.my mom to think I did it.he ended up paying her back and we moved past it. He told me his first day of his new job he worked somewhere completely different. .until a friend nof mine told me they saw him!?we had hugefights over this. No normal woman would have stayed with such a liar. Now im the.crazy one. The new girlfriend thinks im crazy even though im given her solid proof hes got her thinking he loves her. He constantly manipulates and makes me think I did something wrong in this all. I lay awake all night just overwhelmed. Its been since February 1 hes been gone. .but that whole time..hes been coming home randomly saying we can work thru. All of feb March April. So I was thinking he was really coming home. .He would call when he was “at his moms”.say he loved me..I can’t believe the whole time he was keeping me there in case this girl did not work out. As soon as he realized he could stay with her..I was thrown away. Suddenly

HanaleiMoon

Tara I just wanted to mention that if he still has stuff where you live if you are like me, you will want to be fair and let him get it…and it will lead to discussions, contact and pain. In my case, I did have some of his stuff at the new house. By that time, I would only communicate with him through an attorney and he wanted ME to get quotes from movers for his review so I could pack it up and have it delivered to him! Then he decided he wanted to pick it up. My attorney told me to rent a storage unit and move his stuff into it, give her the contract and key. I did that and she told him the first month was paid and after that, it was his responsibility. He did come and get his things and I didn’t have to see him. You might want to consider something like that.

He claimed some things he had given me as gifts were his (like my computer) and demanded that they be returned to him. I let them go rather than fight it. He also had some things of mine at his house that I would have liked to have returned, and it would have been easy for him since he drove there with a truck to pick his stuff up, but of course, he didn’t return anything. I’m sure his new wife is enjoying my things now. I only cared for about a minute.

No one is perfect, and what happened to you isn’t because you aren’t perfect…it is because he is disordered, has no conscience and treats people like objects. In my case, I was treated like a possession that could be stepped on, thrown in the closet, taken out when it was convenient for him, and ultimately discarded with no second thought, except to inflict more pain when (I’m sure) he was alone and bored for a few minutes. Tara, these guys aren’t having happy successful relationships with their new women, they’re just using and abusing them too. Get a new pack of post-its and write NO CONTACT on every one and stick them everywhere! Hugs!

tamikaye2

I am reading the posts here and it is helping. I just got out of a 3 year relationship with someone that sounds like others here. Thursday May, 8, I found out that the man I had been with and planning to marry was cheating on me. He had to move back to TN to help his mother get his dad in a nursing home and supposedly moving back here to be with me and my boys. The move was supposed to be temporary, we had lived together up until these last 6 months, but saw each other often and texted and talked daily. He said he was going through therapy getting help etc. Then the first of May he was making excuses why he could not move. I told him we would work through it, our love was strong enough. He continued to tell me he loved me and was trying to get here up until the 8th when he had posted on his Facebook page that he was in a relationship since April 27th and telling this girl he loves her!! When I called to confront him and ask him why he kept leading me on, his answer was he didn’t know where it was going with her yet. Really? After three years and plans to get married, that is how little he thought of me. I have gone over and over in my head how he could do that to me and my kids, and how n the heck do you fall in love with someone after one date. I did no contact right then, blocked his number on my Verizon account and blocked on Facebook. I didn’t want him to have a chance to try and contact me if this didn’t work out for him. The betrayal is heart wrenching, realizing that you have wasted three years, ignoring the warning signs all along, and giving that person all of yourself. Realizing that he couldn’t have loved me like he said if he moved on so quickly and wasn’t even going to tell me. Instead that Monday the 5th he kept telling me how I had not been fulfilling his needs and that he had to give up what he wanted to make me happy. This was a kick in the gut because everything we ever talked about was mutually agreed on, so to have him make this my fault hurt. I am trying to dig out of this hole that I am in, where you feel emotionally frail, unlovable, ugly, etc. This women was 10 years younger and so thin, so of course that made me feel horrible about myself. When you all say these guys are smooth, they are. He was always charismatic and charming. But at home he could be pouty, irritable, and angry. This all just makes no sense and I guess for normal people hard to wrap your mind around.

cannh

Tamikaye2….

The situation you describe sounds so much like the one I went through….the lies, cheating and manipulation. The ex spath I was with was with someone else months before our relationship ended. This I didn’t find out until a year after I left. I, too, couldn’t understand how someone I loved and planned to spend my life with could do this to me. But after studying and learning, I realized I loved who I thought he was, not who he really is. He was able to move on to someone so quickly because he didn’t care.

As far as I know, he is still with this other woman, even though he lied to her, too! She obviously is willing to accept his lies and cheating. I know for a fact as she called me one day. I shared my story with her, but she chose to only believe what she wanted to believe. He has her exactly where he wants her. I look at it this way, she is not lucky to have him. Anyone who is with someone who has a history of lying, cheating and manipulation is not lucky because they won’t change.

I learned the hard way, but have come out of this a much stronger, wiser version of me….and for that, I’m truly thankful.

Tamikaye2….you are in the very early stages of shock and grief as to what happened. As hard and difficult as it is, you will make it through this.

Stay strong my friend!

carolann

tamikaye2

Thank you Carolann. It has been very difficult. She too wanted to see proof that we were together, texts that he had sent me while they were dating. I shared my story as well and she had proof of his professed love and hope for our future right in front of her, and chose to stay. This has been such a betrayal on so many levels. Looking back, I had gut feelings but ignored them. He did so much to make me believe that I was the one and only, that I saved him from himself, and that he would love me till he died. He even would say things like I hope I go first because I could not make it in this world without you. At this point in my life, I do not know how I will ever trust again.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

Tara, I rly can not even respond to ur posts, they resonate so deeply with me. Just know we have felt, and/or are feeling, exactly like u. And we made it.
You WANT to die, but u dont. It sucks.
Then—
It doesnt.
I wish I could just hug u.

tamikaye2

I can’t wait for that day to come when it doesn’t suck. So many tears for this person who did this to me. Such shame for believing in all the lies, and the questions like Tara, how can he just give up three years of our lives, and all the sudden be in love, after telling me that I was his everything. My world has been turned upside down and everything I believed in is not true. It is crushing. I have wondered what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong, how can he just forget about everything we shared for three plus years?? I know I am supposed to believe that I’m too good for him, or he doesn’t deserve my love, etc. I waffle between hoping he will say he’s sorry and regret his decision and hoping this new person will hurt him. I have had NC with him but that was my choice. I know if I had not blocked his number he would still be trying to bait me. It has been so hard, because since March 2011 we never went a day without communicating.

It helps knowing other women have gotten through this, that someday I will see a light at the end of this dark gloomy tunnel.

kaya48

Tamikaeye
He will probably not say sorry as people like him don’t have any compassion. You said he did this to you after 3 years. My soon to be ex did this to me after 20 years of marriage. That shows you they do not feel any remorse or sympathy. That’s the part of their brain that is not functioning like ours. I am glad you went to no contact. It’s the only way to show him that you don’t take this abuse. And also it’s the only way to heal and go on. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It was so hard for me for 3 months after the discard I was in so much aging and pain. I just got up every day and functioned like a robot and cried and cried. In the divorce he financials showed that he was on a Caribbean cruise while I was crying. See, they don’t look back, they just go on. Stay strong and don’t go into the past. Nothing will be the same. But often this is a good thing. You spent 3 years with him. I spent 20 years of my life believing his lies. I will be praying for you.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

just the betrayal is alot of what u are going thru. spath or no spath. adultery is utter devastation to the victim (you). what u feel is what any woman feels who loved and was betrayed. ur very soul is betrayed. its alot for ur mind to wrap itself around. it takes time.
of course u just want him to come back and make it right. hes the only he can make it right. and hes the one who stuck the knife in ur heart!! i have so been there, hon. its the suckiest thing in the world. the ONE person who could possibly comfort u, is the one person who CAN’T. he sucks. he sucks as PERSON. as a person, he’s a F.A.I.L. He sucks as a lover. FAIL.
someday u can see this. right now just intellectually know this. someday ur heart will know it too.

kaya48

Ain’t gonna
You are so right. Spath or no spath, it does cut deep. And you are so right that he sucks as a person. The person who claims he loves you unconditionally hurts you the most. It is like a death in the family. And I went through the same stages. Grievance, hurt and anger, denial and hope. And finally acceptance. Rightnow it seems like you cannot go on. Take one minute at a time, focus on yourself. That’s what I did. Every day without him and no contact I put a smiley sticker on my calendar. Before I knew it I had months of happiness. It’s very hard and most people including family don’t understand. I survived it but I admit it was the most difficult time in my life. The fear if the unknown. My faith in God helped me through it. Because he was had a plan and you might not see it right away. Believe me you will pull through it and cone out a stronger person than ever.

HopingToHeal

Tamikaye2,

Kaya and Ain’t are correct in all their wisdom. After so long with them, it feels like only they can comfort us, but they are the ones who have destroyed us. It’s like living in two realities at one time. Too much for the brain.

Im so sorry for the brain overload you are experiencing. I can relate. Sometimes I forget where I’m going when I drive. Or I type the wrong words on comments over and over. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed. Its awful. The rug was pulled out from under you. It’s so unfair.

Keep telling yourself that You will survive! Because you will! This is the hardest time but you are right, you will get through it! I will too

Hang in there. Good thoughts coming your way!

cannh

Tamikaye2….

As far as I’m concerned, how can a person be in love with someone that early on, without possibly knowing them. He’s not in love; he doesn’t know how to be in love. It’s all a game to him, and a sad one at that. This concept took me a long time to get through my skull.

I can only suggest you allow yourself the time to feel your emotions. Then…do something nice for yourself. This could be as simple as a manicure or pedicure…something that makes you feel good about you. Exercise is great, too!

Also know this is not about you. You did nothing wrong. This is his issue. If he can move on that quickly and not allow himself time to heal, what does that tell you. And for her to accept him…well then, that’s her issue. Only time will tell and she’ll realize just what she’s gotten herself into.

Please know I understand how you feel. I know how heart-wrenching this situation is. You get consumed by thoughts of him; of her; of him with her. But again, remember, this is not your fault. You are a wonderful woman and never forget that!

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Hang on, it does get better!

carolann

taralav

I just am to the point I know hes trying to kill me. Emotionally. .he is killing my soul and every ounce of my being. .I can’t sleep, cook,clean I can’t function. He has brainwashed this new girl and made her think I was the crazy one. He threatens me almost daily to violate the peace order that he set in place. .the one he broke. In my state it is not fair. .he can contact me and.if I responded which I did I go to jail. He completely discarded me. With no warning. I don’t know how to move forward I feel frozen. With pain fear all of it

kaya48

Taralev
My counselor once said to me “you have to quit him cold turkey “. He pushed change on you that you did not want nor asked for. On the other hand he had time to prepare “emotionally” for his departure. In order for you to go on and heal he cannot be any part of your life. I don’t know if you have minot children or not. If you don’t just let him go. Let him live his life. He is not “your problem ” anymore. After a few months of no contact I felt so relieved that no one was lying to me anymore , no one cheating behind my back. He was playing with my life by putting me at risk for any diseases. This young co worker was a party girl and I am glad that I came out ok. What person who claims they love you would just get up and leave.
Think rationally, not emotionally. If you are married get yourself the most aggressive attorney and think of it as a business deal that’s gone wrong.

kaya48

Hanalei moon
What a great idea with the storage unit. I did exactly the same only communicated through attorneys. Because they are used to it and they are not easily manipulated. It cost me some extra money but it was well worth it. You can even ask for seperate rooms in court mediations. It was a life saver for me as I was spared to even see his “ugly” face. One more advice is get a male attorney. Someone suggested that to me and it was a very good decision. I didn’t want any “female” attorney be manipulated by his “so good looks”. That is why he chose a female attorney.
I totally agree that they are incapable of having a healthy relationship. They are so obsessed with themselves. Probably the best for then is not having any relationship and just have some prostitutes. I am sure glad that my ex husband cannot have any more children. I wouldn’t want another child to experience what my son went through. Even children are just objects, you are so right.
Thanks again for all your great comments.

HanaleiMoon

Thanks, kaya, I am so glad that I can offer comments and suggestions that can help someone else. It was almost a year after the discard that I found this and other sites and they helped so much – prior to that, I was white knuckling it on my own.

You are exactly right about using male professionals…I used a female real estate agent initially and even though I gave her the overview, it was clear he was manipulating her. When that listing expired, I chose a male/female team and only the male spoke to him and things went much smoother.

I have so much compassion for tara since I know how insane it is for her right now and how NC seems like it will only bring more pain. Once on the other side, it is like you are finally getting oxygen in your lungs again! After almost 3 years the logistics of my life are still a challenge but they should normalize soon. I’ve accepted that what I’ve lost is gone, and know my life hasn’t been ruined, but it is different. Emotionally, things get better all the time and where once he was my every thought, he only crosses my mind once in awhile now and I don’t let it linger. There is nothing that would make me endure that kind of chaos and insanity in my life again.

kaya48

Thank you
Hanalei moon, it’s been 14 months for me now. The final judgement should be issued any day now. The attorneys settled and I am really happy with the outcome . Like yours, my life is different now. I honestly think in a good way. No more crazy making and chaos. I have not cried in many months, compared to daily when I was with him. He still occasionally tries to “push my buttons”. He texted my son “to your mom, even though we hate each other , happy Mother’s Day.” My son does not respond in any way but I just have to laugh about his pathetic being. We have been in ugly divorce proceedings for almost a year and I get a “happy Mother’s Day”.
I really feel for Tara. I can feel her pain and uncertainty. But life gets better. And I came out more resilient. I did not know what I was capable of , what I could accomplish without him. It started the day I filed that divorce petition because I said “I am done, no more”.
I am glad you are at a good place in your life and glad to hear that it will get better. Financially I am good, thanks to this states great alimony laws. Emotionally I am at peace. I have my son and my pets and a fulfilling job. What more can I ask for ? I am thankful I survived this nightmare and now it’s time to start a new chapter. I am 48 but I am alive. 🙂

HanaleiMoon

Kaya, congratulations on coming to the end of the legal process and it leaving you financially in a good place! You really sound like you are in a good place for your new chapter!

Because we weren’t married and I had no agreements in writing, I was left with a staggering financial burden on my own. I am proud to say that I handled it like a champ but because of the depressed real estate market where the shared home was located, I lost all of the money I had in the house in order to sell it, on top of paying the payment and maintaining it for three years. I had owned my own home for almost 20 years before this happened, and the loss of homeowner status has been a blow. I hope to be able to buy myself a house by the end of this year.

Having a fulfilling job is a blessing! This is also something I lost as a part of the move and discard and this too looks like it could be turning around in the coming months.

I know now how strong I am and how I can break it down and do what needs to be done, one day at a time. When I get frustrated with having to wait it out a little longer, I look over my shoulder and see how far I have come from the woman who was insane with fear and pain, and know that this is nothing compared to that and that he doesn’t have me financially handcuffed anymore. Who knows, I might even come out ahead in the end.

We have all we need.

kaya48

Hanalei moon
It sounds like you are in good place also. I lost the family home, it was my dream home. He was not satisfied until this house was sold. Since he would not let me have it the court ordered it to be sold. What he did not realize is that onhis path of his destruction he hurt his only child also.
In renting a home also and hope to buy one again some day. There are plent beautiful homes out there. At first I was sad about the loss of my home but in return I gained a lot. I am able to breathe again. And nobody tells me “I am a crazy b…..”.
I feel for the people going through those initial stages of discard. I honestly thought it was the end of the world.
Instead it was the greatest gift he could ever make to me. He set me free from his abuse and crazy making. But it takes a while to realize that. And once you do and accept it, it’s actually a good thing.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

To kaya48 and HanaleiMoon,
I am reading your posts to each other and wishing I had them to read back when I was going through my divorce. There are others here who have recently entered the twilight zone, where nothing makes sense. When it’s all drama, and enormous stress and upset, and the discoveries about the betrayals never seems to end, it seems intuitive that if we could only restore our relationship, get rid of the vultures looking to pick our bones, then the drama would stop. Only… because you, me, we, were involved with a sociopath, that’s not true.

I USED to think the reason we had upset was because of me. That I was yelling and crying caused all the drama, that there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe hormones, or that somehow I was “LIKE THEM” (my birth family) afterall, irrational and blaming and self centered. It was ALL high drama and enormous emotional pain.

It wasn’t until my divorce was final that I came to realize the drama wasn’t me at all. I had never been that way, so why be surprised that once he couldn’t pull any more carp, my life settled down, and wow, my home became such a place of peace.

Kaya48 says it felt like the end of the world. And I did too. I tried to fight it, tried to restore balance. But I wasn’t the crazy one. HE was crazy making! And when he was gone, the crazy went away. (I am sorry Kaya48, because I know he didn’t care that he hurt his only child. For him, HE is the only one who matters, no conscience/noguilt/no remorse.)

And like both of you, it was hell, but turns out, being discarded by a sociopath is actually a gift. My life is FULL of possibilities now, and that could NEVER have happened when I was married to a sociopath.

Great exchange, it shows others where the light of the tunnels starts to really improve our lives. Bless you. Bless all of you on here. You don’t know how much I’ve needed to read your words. I am divorced now and what you write is so validating and healing for me.

Or should I say, BLESS You, because ONLY you all know how much I needed to read your words.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

I have wondered about this too, am I a disordered person myself?? No, I am not. I would not care nor hurt the way I do. My reactions would not be word for word the reactions of the other hurting women on here, who have been assaulted by a spath or NPD/BPD or watever.
99% of what came out of the narc’s mouth was *PROJECTION*…remember that. Wen u fought his dictates, YOU were the evil destructor, wrecking his universe. Which, btw, consists of HIM and HIS feelings. NO One Else. Including his own children.
So wen u were made to feel not 100%, he was feeling the glass cracking and threatening to shatter around his universe of “ME”. Im sure its terrifying. I hope the several i have known in my life suffocate by the shards of glass piercing their lungs from their own crystal sanctuary. In the end, they WILL crack and will shatter. And the spaths will be sorry. So sorry, but for naught.
And i’ll still be human. And have peace 🙂

HanaleiMoon

Kaya and NotWhatHeSaid, today marks an anniversary for me. It was three years ago today that I woke up for the last time in my little house, closed the door behind me and drove 700 miles to a new town, a new life. The next morning I signed the escrow papers for our new house (he wasn’t even there – he had given me power of attorney to sign for him so he could be at work – I see this now as an omen that he wasn’t really “in”). I can’t name a time in my life where I have ever been so happy, excited and full of life.

A plan we had been hatching for years was now reality! We had finally found the perfect house that had everything we each wanted and there was nothing but blue skies ahead. I had taken an early retirement from my professional career when I was in my peak earning years, sold a home that was within 5 years of being paid for and sunk all my savings into the down payment of the new house. It was the first time I had ever done anything financial with another person in my life, including in my marriage. That is how much I trusted him, and us, in spite of the craziness. That is testimony to how completely he had control over me.

He had risked nothing…had not quit his job (why quit when he was still living there and waiting for his house to sell), not left familiar surroundings, and had invested little of his savings (of course it was all tied up and difficult to access). He didn’t lift a finger to help me move. Things started falling apart almost immediately; from an instant shift in his attitude toward me, one crazymaking shitstorm of a visit that left me reeling, and endless criticizing before he discarded me and the whole shebang less than 3 months later, all the while squawking that it was MY fault.

I was paralyzed with fear, heartbreak and sheer panic. I thought I was going crazy, but I wasn’t. I thought I was going bankrupt, but I didn’t. I thought I was all alone…and I was. People jumped ship out of my life, sometimes cruelly. Today, there isn’t one person in my life from “before”, except for one person I had lost touch with who came back in at some point and has been an angel to me. I found an unfulfilling job that allowed me to keep my head above water and prepared in case he stopped sending his fair share of the expenses (which he eventually did). I sold things that were dear to me when necessary for extra cash. I tightened my belt and then I tightened it more. It seemed like nothing went smoothly, whatever could go wrong, did go wrong.

But I know I was blessed. There was lots more that could have gone wrong. I could not have been the strong and resilient person I was, and I could have folded. I could have lost much more. I was broken, and it took everything I had, but I did it, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I found help. A therapist. This place. Books.

One time a man was trimming trees next door. We started talking and I asked him how much to cut a big branch for me and he said $40. I said ok. He asked fro $20 ahead because he had not been paid by the neighbors yet and hesitantly, I gave it to him, with a promise that he’d do my branch within the week. He never did, and he left the debris from the neighbors yard in my yard. In my old life I had thought nothing of dropping $20 on a lip gloss or a nice cocktail and tip, and now, that $20 burned a hole in my brain. About two weeks later, I saw him working at a house across the street and I saw red. I stopped my car in the middle of the street (literally…left it running with the door open) and rushed up to him and started yelling at him, half in spanish and half in english, for stealing my $20. He laughed at me. I remember seeing his helper take one look at me and back away. LOL This went on for a few minutes, back and forth, him laughing and shaking his head and making excuses. I’m sure people were gawking out of their houses because I know I seemed crazy. Finally, he pulled out his wallet and threw a $20 bill at me and walked away. Later, I was ashamed and embarrassed that my situation had reduced me to this, but when I told the story to my therapist she laughed and told me it had been cathartic for me and not to worry about it a bit.

Anyway…today, I am not where I want to be, NEED to be, but I’m getting there. I am just letting some things fall into place before I decide where to buy a home and I know signing those escrow papers will be a watershed moment. I have hopes to find a job that I look forward to going to in the morning, where I feel a sense of accomplishment and belonging. My life is peaceful and mostly solitary. I hope with the coming months and settling down, I will be able to fill it with new, good people and smiling faces. I see a snug little home that will have my stamp on it, happy animals, a healthy garden. I can’t yet see a time where I will want to have a relationship with a man again. This makes me sad, but I also know that there could be someone come along who would be able change that. I’m not young anymore, and I’ve sure got some wear on me, but I have so much to offer.

Thanks for the opportunity to share this in a safe place. I made it when I thought there was no way I could. When the roof was leaking and the plumbing backed up, I learned to be thankful that it only flooded one room and not three. When the attorney bill was half my monthly income, I was thankful that I had an income, and someone fighting for me. When my so called friends treated me harshly and disappeared when I could have used an occasional call with kind words and caring, I learned what a true friend is. When I think about spending the past three years in bare bones survival mode, doing what needed to be done, while he continued to live (as he called it), “large”, traveling, spending, romancing women and marrying one, spending time with the family I had come to think of as mine, completely unaffected by the devastation he had caused (except, I imagine, chuckling around his nasty cigar at his mastery in pulling the rug out from under me), I know I am a survivor, and having been through it once, like getting your wisdom teeth pulled, you will never, ever have to go through it again.

kaya48

Wow, this is exactly what I did. From living a “princess life” to selling everything I could so my son and I can survive. After I was discarded he stopped paying all bills and wanted to ruin my credit by letting the house go into foreclosure. Luckily I sold it to save my credit. My attorney was proud of me to take charge, to not let him ruin me any further. I was already thrown away like garbage. It was not enough for him. After I found out that there was another woman and that I was not “crazy ” or insane, his blaming did not work anymore. So his next evil plan was to ruin me financially. Fortunately my family helped me to retain an excellent attorney. It cost me almost 14000$ but I could have not fought that war without him. He was always on my side, protected me in court, have me encouragement and obtained an excellent settlement. So I was blessed to have a “weapon ” in this battle. Also that the attorney realized early on in the case that he was dealing with a sociopath. My advice is that get an attorney who works criminal cases also, not just a family case lawyer.
I also had to deal with the husband being a cop. So it was extremely difficult. But for once he was not able to manipulate the court system.
Thinking back now to last year I came a long way. I escaped that “crazy making experience ” and while I lost so much, I am alive. And that’s all that matters.
Everything else is replaceable.

cannh

HanaleiMoon….

Thanks for sharing your story. I have to say your strength reminds me of my own. You know in some ways I think these “guys” had no idea what they were dealing with. I, too, had to fight tooth and nail to get escrow money that was due me from my spath. He told me hell could freeze over before he’d release the funds. Well, damn if I was going to let that happen…legally the funds were mine and there was no way they wouldn’t end up in my hands. It took a few weeks, but I got it. As my dear counselor used to tell me….’you sure are tenacious. Many women I counsel would have let this go, but not you.’ And that’s right, not me. He tried to take a chunk out of me with his lies, deceit and manipulation…he wasn’t going to get anymore.

So for all of you who are just going through this terrible ordeal, please hang on. It truly does get better. You will find yourself stronger and wiser as a result…we are living testiment to that!

carolann

kaya48

Thank you. Yes, there is light at the end of he tunnel. And I felt exactly like you. I always thought I was going crazy. Sometimes he would said something and then later plain out deny he ever said those words. I always thought I was to blame. Until I found out about this other woman.i dm sure there were many more that I did not know of. Also I had that guy feeling that something was off. Just not right. I even tried marriage counseling. But if course he would not return there , the counselor hd thought was an idiot. Because she knew he was full of lies.
I am glad that I finally had enough. After he left and told everyone (including our son)that I was so crazy, that hd had to leave. Then I really took a good look at this situation. I did some investigating. I retained a good attorney. In no time I found out that indeed he left for another woman. When he claimed he was “afraid” of me. (He is retired military and a cop) and filed an injunction in the county where he works. (I never set foot in that county ).my attorney got this false accusations dismissed. That was the day I finally had enough.
I just had to put a stop to this nightmare. I know he wanted me dead of locked away or committed to a mental institution. That was the end of his manipulation.
Yes this divorce is almost finalized. I do not believe in divorces but that was the one and only choice I had to survive.
Thank you for your kind comments. I want everyone to know that it does seem like the end of the world but if really isn’t. When you get discarded he provides you with the first step for a better life. I know because I was there.

kaya48

Thank you. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I felt exactly like you. I always thought I was going crazy. Sometimes he would say something and then later plain out deny he ever said those words. I always thought I was to blame. Until I found out about this other woman.i am sure there were many more that I did not know of. Also I had that gut feeling that something was off. Just not right. I even tried marriage counseling. But of course he would not return there , the counselor he thought was an idiot. Because she knew he was full of lies.
I am glad that I finally had enough. After he left and told everyone (including our son)that I was so crazy, that he had to leave. Then I really took a good look at this situation. I did some investigating. I retained a good attorney. In no time I found out that indeed he left for another woman. When he claimed he was “afraid” of me. (He is retired military and a cop) and filed an injunction in the county where he works. (I never set foot in that county ).my attorney got this false accusations dismissed. That was the day I finally had enough.
I just had to put a stop to this nightmare. I know he wanted me dead of locked away or committed to a mental institution. That was the end of his manipulation.
Yes, this divorce is almost finalized. I do not believe in divorces but that was the one and only choice I had to survive.
Thank you for your kind comments. I want everyone to know that it does seem like the end of the world but it really isn’t. When you get discarded he provides you with the first step for a better life. I know because I was there.

dorothy2

it’s hurt, not pride for me. Hurt, disappointment and betrayal. What he did to me didn’t affect who I am, who I’ve always been……the real me is there, the good the bad and the ugly. But he betrayed the good and the innocent part of me, the part I am unable to hide from anyone in spite of myself. I don’t even think he could see it or had any use for it. Loser.

kaya48

Exactly, loser, that’s what they are. I don’t have any other words for him. I don’t even hate him . He is just nothing to me. I used to get all nervous having to face him in court. Not anymore. He gets no reaction out of me and this is how it will be for the rest of my life .
As far as his mistress/girlfriend/coworker deputy. She is my replacement and I am glad she took that place. What kind of relationship will they have? It was started based on lies and betrayals. One day she will sit in the closet crying while he is standing outside yelling and cussing. She asked for it by engaging in an affair with a married man who didn’t think twice about his wife and son. What a great guy to be with.
We all deserve so much better and by far I am not ready for any relationship. But I sure will set my standards much higher and if there is any “red flag” I will not stay 20 years. I made that promise.

taralav

I don’t know when this is going to end, he wants me either in a mental hospital. .jail or dead I know it. He will not stop at anything!! He has made me out to be the one to blame his newest email he said “he just decided he didn’t feel the same way as he did 5 years ago about me” and “I took the first out I saw”. The first out? 3 weeks before he left we looked at a townhouse to move. We planned on moving. .we had plans for a future when my son graduated. Im so stuck. I can’t get out of this denial and disbelief I feel I repeat myself over and over. I don’t know how someone can throw another away and be with someone new already like its nothing

aintgonnatakeitnomore

yes, that was sooooo hard with the narc. i was going to grow very old with him. i was done. my future was set. i had stability. then
i just couldnt take it. take him. take the abuse anymore. i had HAD IT. we didnt have a future. he thot he was gracious enough to allow me, if i was a GOOD GIRL, to be in his royal presence and follow his dictates. he had to give nothing. not really.
wen i was discarded by the spath, it had been nothing but chaos and PAIN from the beginning. so while i had thot for a few months we were doing well AND I WAS FREAKIN newly pregnant (and very very sick) with the child he wanted soooo badly, it wasnt hard to get my mind around the discard. he cheated on me within 3 mos of our marriage. SERIOUSLY. how would anyone in their right mind STAY with that animal? cuz thats not human, thats just sick.
my late husband had an affair; i was young and stupid (a real bitch and he was EXTREMELY hott) and partly to blame, that along with kids kids kids we had. i do remember tho the utter astonishment he COULD do that, let alone WOULD do that. he was the only one i wanted to hold me. the only one who could soothe my screaming body of PAINFIRE. and he was the one who had put me into this hell. i thot about getting a gun and shooting off his…yeah, i rly did. not kill him, but shoot it off. i can completely understand crimes of passion. the violation is so complete, its almost ok, IMO.
i almost lost my mind then. i have never fully recovered from that. u can get better, but never be the same person again.
then he died about 2 yrs later. we had come so far and he suddenly was dead at 25. the ultimate cruelty. i was in shock for a long long time.
close to the same shock, but without the taunting of hope. he was dead, period.
if you can look at this animal you were with as dead, u will help urself. its still a long pain-filled road, 3 steps fwd and 2 steps back all the friggin time. frustration and mindgames still will be ur companions. u will make peace with them.
IK, ur wondering what the heck i am talking about. u have to make peace with the demons that tear at u. they dont leave. u just keep on living evenso. and they quiet.
i know u would love quiet in ur soul right now. i know, hon.
i dont like mental pain either, so much ur physical body is tight with it, is writhing with it. it has aged me.
like labor, u just have to go thru it. medication (self-medication also) may be necessary for a season, but it just denies the inevitable…ur acceptance and embracing of the pain. –>i have learnt after 5 decades on this planet, to go thru the pain now.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

I know it’s hard but I hope you will find a thought that you are better than what he is doing to you.

I encourage you to take a stand and stop him from having opportunities to infect you with more venom.

Personally I found it very empowering to delete emails and delete his phone messages. I’d push that button, and said F.u.

ps It’s NOT TRUE, Taralav. You DO know how….
…someone can throw another away and be with someone new already like it’s nothing.

It’s precisely what predators (sociopaths do).

Now since you still have the gift of children, it’s also very self empowering to step up as an example for them and not allow him power over you anymore. At least cut off his access to communication with you. I think You have BETTER things to do and BETTER people to do them with??? Focus on pouring your love into your children. And while you’re at it, pour a little into yourself.

I remember when I told my husband that I was better off as a homeless woman than to be married to him. And then I surprised myself when I realized it was the truth!

I think it’s when I decided I would not let him WIN by destroying me. I hope you make that same choice.

Now that his mask is off, and you know what he is, don’t you realize you are better off without him?

taralav

Thank you for your post reading these in my sleepless hours is all I have. I have a son which is not by him ..but his two children I treated as my own from ages 9months and 5 yrs old. I feel such a hurt over losing them too. Hes made me out to be the bad seed..he cant even admit what he did was wrong and terrible. So just in a blink of a eye he is with her and im nothing to him. I can’t grasp it.i read posts over and over. I can’t believe this is the man I shared my life with and he will do whatever he can to destroy me

taralav

Thank you..I need the prayers I don’t know why I can’t accept and move past what he has.done. I need to get mad.and get my self respect back. He is the most terrible person ive ever met yet I loved him so long and his children. It is awful

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Yes it is awful.

You found out your whole relationship was a lie.

So begin a life of truth. Choose TRUTH.

The TRUTH IS…. you do know.

You KNOW what he is. A very bad man. A Predator. A walking pile of LIES. Make a list of what you now know he is.

Don’t rush yourself and “move past”.
For now, just stop his continuing punishment, the abuse, the insults.

STOP letting him prey on you like a sucking vampire.
STOP it by STOP reading his emails or any communication.

That’s is for today: STOP reading HIS words.

And for tomorrow. And all the days after.

Just stopping his ability to injure you more, just that one thing will make a difference.

Stargazer

Tara, you don’t need to “feel” like cutting him out of your life. Just do it. I promise you, after a while, your feelings will follow. If you are going by your feelings, you will never be able to escape because you are addicted. So just do what you know is the right thing to do. You have a big group of us here who have all felt like you and have all escaped. It takes time for your heart to catch up with your head. But it does eventually. Listen to your head. It can’t possibly want you to stay with this monster. If you walk away, you WILL start to feel better eventually. Addictions DO break. Bonds CAN be broken. But the first step is taking a step back and getting the distance you need to feel emotionally safe. You are not safe with a sociopath. Therefore, you will never be able to heal while you are with one. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster forever. You need to find the strength inside to just leave, whether you want to or not.

HanaleiMoon

Stargazer, I’m glad you mentioned addiction. When we are in the thick of it, as Tara now is, we can’t see the extent that these monsters have manipulated our minds and caused us to become addicted. It’s essential for us to understand that this is a true addiction, not just lovesickness or some other nonsense that our friends will scoff at, roll their eyes and tell us to get over. It has to be dealt with as seriously as if your life depends on it, because it does.

I was 49 when I met mine and had a lifelong pattern of stable emotional relationships. In less than six months, I didn’t recognize my own thinking and it only got worse over the years. I can now see that I let everything else in my life suffer because of my mind’s addiction to him. My thinking was out of control, always trying to figure out what I had done wrong, analyzing conversations, explaining myself, trying to convince myself that things were going was fine (because he told me they were) and crying, crying, always crying. I spent so much time trying to make sense of something that of course didn’t make sense because it was INSANE. He played me like he had invented me – he always knew when I was about to make a break and became the sweet man that I thought he was in order to reel me back in. But honestly, even in the good times, I never felt like myself. I always felt like something was off, wrong, like I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. I now think of it as a feeling of wanting to go HOME.

Thankfully, after the final discard, he miscalculated and left me alone long enough for me to break the cycle and feel a taste of what it felt like to be myself again. Even then, I was hoping that things would blow over. When he started sending feelers out to me again, after one false start of explaining to him why I was not going to respond (how amazingly ridiculous this seems today, but he had trained me to be such a good girl), I went totally NC. I won’t say it was easy, but I broke the cycle of addiction and little by little the obsessive thinking lost its hold on me. It didn’t hurt that he had finally found a new target that he wanted to put into full time service, so he stopped pushing. In the previous years, after his mini-discards and once when I literally left the state for a week to clear my head and came back determined to be free of him, he put the full court press on me so hard that I was powerless due to the addiction. Now when I think of the stories he told me to get me back it is clear that I was addicted…I wouldn’t listen to that crap for even a minute today.

That emotional roller coaster steals your joy for life. It steals your capacity to enjoy anything, to have a minutes peace with whatever you loved before, planting spring flowers, playing with your pets, reading a magazine with a cup of tea…it steals everything. My bliss is snorkeling in Hawaii, and I would scrimp on almost anything to make sure I get to do it once a year. He knew this, knew I wanted to be in the water every day and set out to take it away from me. On the last trip we took there together, he refused to go to the beach, and wouldn’t let me go alone…six days of our seven passed and I hadn’t touched the water. On the last morning, I got up and said I’m going to the beach – you can come or not, your choice. He came, because of course, how could he let me do anything on my own, and sat on the beach, sour and seething. I cut my time short so as not to anger him, but later cried at having missed those days of bliss. This is a metaphor of the whole relationship.

They are monsters, and they will destroy you.

HopingToHeal

Hanaleimoon,

Yours is a very accurate account of how our life disappears and we find ourself in the haze of the addiction and it’s control. And oh my gosh, how keen are they at sensing when we are trying to move away? The pull out all the stops, although the more time that passes, the less effort they make. I guess they become aware that we aren’t totally under control anymore,

I’m glad you are free!

tamikaye2

Hana, it sounds like we were with the same man! What is interesting is the similarities in these men and our experiences. But you guys are right, it is an addiction. I even said to him, not even a month ago, “I don’t know what it is, but you have got such a hold over me.” And it’s true, this first week of NC has been horrible, tears upon tears, I had never gone longer than a day without communication. Funny you mentioned the beach thing. Looking back I went through the same thing, even right down to the ceiling fan in our room. I wanted it on because of the hot flashes at night, he said it made him stopped up. Most nights he didn’t care but about once a month he would take issue, make a stink about it, and go sleep on the couch and be pouty. He would act like this anytime he wasn’t getting his way. And anytime I would stand up to him, he would say things aren’t going to work because you….fill in the blank. I would then feel so horrible and say things like I can work on that, I will change, etc. He had his hooks in deep. And anytime like you said, he thought he was losing me, the gifts, cards, affection would be so ramped up to drag me in again. It has destroyed me, I know longer know who I really am, or what I really want. My mind has been so conditioned to him, that I lost who I was. With NC, I can now figure that out without “my drug” looming over me and trying to find a way in or making me feel like this was all my fault. I can’t wait to meet the new me someday.

HanaleiMoon

Tami I had to lol, we had the fan vs. no fan thing too. Ugh! They only make a big deal out of it when it serves them somehow.

I believe, and my therapist has confirmed it, that the only reason I didn’t totally lose myself was that we never lived together full time, only a few days a week. So at work, and my nights in my own home, I had a sort of breather. Even then he generally badgered me with phone calls, always checking up. It was like a sixth sense, he’d call just as I was walking in the door, tired, thirsty, greeting the animals and make a stink because I was distracted. I’d have to explain and offer to call back when I got settled. I learned to never say in 15 minutes or whatever, because on minute 16 he’d call and say I thought you were calling back in 15 minutes. Geesh give me a chance to pee!

Tolerating these things (and so many really bad ones) are what make me know I was addicted.

I haven’t had any contact with him in almost 3 years and I’m still not up to speed with myself. He left my life in a mess that has taken some sorting but outside of that, I mean with myself. I’m no longer the confident decision maker I once was, and the world still doesn’t seem safe enough for my taste. Lots of little things. Once in awhile I find myself thinking in a way that I know was a lie he taught me and I’m glad I can catch it and discard it. I’ve come a long way putting my life back together and know it is all leading to a day when I will suddenly realize I’m comfortable with myself, my life and the world again.

Stargazer

HanaleiMoon, I gotta say that I’ve never felt so peaceful as since I got the last guy I dated out of my mind. There are NO men on my mind and no obsessing. I didn’t even really get involved with that guy. We hung out a few times and had one real date. We made out a few times but never had sex (on my insistence!). And STILL, when he discarded me by just fading out, it hurt like hell and I obsessed about him for a few months. Fortunately, I never contacted him. I did after the first week. He said he wanted to see me and then made up all these excuses. Basically he was a liar and too cowardly to tell me he’d met someone, or got scared, or whatever the case was so he strung me along. It took 2 months to get angry! And another month to let go.

So yes, it may take a little longer for someone you’ve actually been involved with. Those bonding chemicals – pretty strong stuff.

Anyway, I’m free; there and no men in my life; I’m not chasing anyone. There is no drama. I’ve never felt better! I had a gorgeous young DJ hitting on me at the karaoke club the other night. I enjoyed the attention and the slow dancing, but I went home alone. I am now focusing on my possible dance career and massage career. I could care less about some dumb ass guy.

HopingToHeal

Taralav,

When trying to break free from the addiction, you will have all the normal symptoms of someone detoxing from drugs. Your mind will run, your body will ache, your anxiety will rise and you will CRAVE the drug. Your body and soul will respond to even the slightest contact, even if it’s negative. It literally is a fix.

I hope you can start viewing this in practical terms as an addiction. It would help to take him out of the picture. It’ serves no purpose for a coke addict to question why coke makes them feel so good, or bad. It’s not the point. The point is that they know it’s bad for them, that it’s killing them and they need to break free. Setting their minds on the positives of breaking free from the addiction is the only way they can break free. I think you will find it’s the same for you.

Of course, I’m not speaking from experience. I’ve gotten clean from my Spath several times only to dive right back in. But each time, I become stronger and wiser. I will be free. I want you to be free too. I hate hearing your heart breaking over and over. This man is just being cruel to you, and he’s happy to see you in despair. It gives him power. Your pain feed this beast.

Keep expressing your pain here, and each time you have contact, pick yourself up and start NC AGAIN. I’m praying for you and sending peaceful thoughts your way.

taralav

Its terrible. .I just can’t believe I can’t grasp and see what he is and has done. Every time he emails me I think maybe he will finally realize he made a mistake. He blames me for the end of our relationship. When I asked him doesn’t it matter I was there for him and his children for.6 years..he says it used to. That’s all. It used to matter. I have been thrown like trash. Every day I say im starting no contact and . then . something happens. Im right back where I was

SER

taralav…OK, I am going to use some tough love here. Why is he emailing you? Is it because you are emailing him and he is replying?? You will never get over him as long as this is going on. I know. I’ve been there as almost everyone on this site has been. When you finally realize that nothing you do or say will make a difference, you will stop contact. Even if he came back to you, if he is going to treat you the same way, is it worth it?? No. It took me a long, long time to realize all these things. Just like you, I thought I was going to die and mine was only a short term relationship, but in that very short time, I loved him with my entire being. Even after the initial relationship was over, we had sporadic, back and forth contact for at least TWO years! (no sex…there was never sex again after the initial fling). It was just him playing with me like a cat plays with a dead mouse. He would say he wanted to see me and then not show up or say he wanted to see me, but then when I would confirm with him, he would blatantly and totally ignore me. And all it did was keep me an emotional wreck. It did nothing to him…he was still playing around with whomever he was playing around with and getting his kicks by keeping me on the string. It was absolutely awful. Once all that stopped, the chemical addiction slowly faded. I know it is sooooo hard to see it now. I couldn’t either. But for me, it was either let go or I was going to end up in trouble or dead.

kaya48

Taralav
You really need to cut of all contact. You will end up in jail or in a mental institution. Believe me. My dear soon to be ex had me “baker acted” (in this state when being sent to a mental institution ). Fortunately the psychiatrist recognized that I was set up and stated that in a letter for court in the divorce.
The relationship you had with him was an illusion. My soon to be ex also portrayed me as mentally ill to other people, co workers and the mistress. They must do that in order to justify their actions. Since they cannot feel any guilt it makes them feel like a god to blame and accuse.
You will not get any better if you invite the devil. That means do not communicate with him on any level. It might sound harsh but is the sad truth.
My child is 19 years old and he cig if all contact with his father. Because we were able to see evil. Don’t violate any restraining or peace order. It would bring pleasure to him
Ignore the devil and he will go away. Please remember that. I really can feel your pain. It really sucks. But look forward and think rationally. Put all emotions aside. You can do it.

taralav

Thank you Kaya. He is trying to do the same to me..he is trying to make me crazy. This girl tonight put her new profile pic up of him and her. Just like that. Six years. .and in 3 months he is in a photo with her. He tells her im the crazy one..I would not be with a man who just got out of a 6 year relationship and be telling them I loved them.

tamikaye2

Tara,
I have just recently gone through a similar situation. The hardest thing I did was NC, I struggle everyday with that decision. A part of us, I think maybe, wants to keep that door open just to hear how sorry they are, or that they made a big mistake, they still love you etc. These last few years have been hell with this back and forth with him, the lies, the manipulation, and when I found out that he was cheating and spewing the same lies to this new girl, I supernaturally cut all contact. I blocked everything, he has no way to email, call, or even creep on FB. It was hard and everyday I struggle wanting to reach out to him and just see how he is doing. I am trying to rationalize how we were planning a wedding to him telling someone else how much he loves them, wants to marry them, and never wants to lose them behind my back. Intimate betrayal is so devastating, and what makes it even harder is that the person that did it to you doesn’t even care. I think more than missing him, I am trying to figure out why? how? And from being here on this website, it has helped me realize that I will never have answers to those questions and I have to learn to live with that. It’s hard to wrap your head around how they can fall in love with someone else. We were together over three years, I was showered with gifts, love, affection and omg, the sex was amazing. But during those three years there were lies on top of lies, excuses, stonewalling, and I would know in my gut something was amiss but would think nobody will treat me better, or I will never find something so good. Then after being with another girl for a week, he is telling her how much he loves her etc. The best thing we can do is work on us, and not worry about them. We have to build our self esteem back up and love ourselves, if we can do that, we would never again allow anyone to treat us that way. We would know deep down that they were not deserving, and most of all listen to our intuition. Trust me, I still get up every morning and think, “how could this happen?, what did I do wrong?” It is painful. The best thing I did was NC, because I know for a fact he would be contacting me for any reason just to keep that door open, and especially if it didn’t work out with this new gal, he would make sure I was right there to take him back. Even though it hurts, it is better to be strung along. He is dead to me essentially

tamikaye2

Just another quick thought, the sooner you let go by NC, the sooner his control over you will be gone. These kind of people enjoy that power, if you want to “hurt” him back, take it away from him by NC.

kaya48

Tamikaye
You are so right. The sooner you enforce the no contact it gets better. I think if you really want to “punish” him for all the pain he caused, the no contact is the way to go. My soon to be ex hates being ignored. I changed all my email , phone and contact information. At the beginning it was very hard and I messed up many times by responding to his crap. Occasionally he writes to my 19 year old son. He does not get any response. Nothing. Because he treated us like we are nothing to him. Everything in life has consequences and he must experience those now. I am sure his little co worker/ mistress can provide him comfort and support.
Looking back through this ordeal the no contact saved my life. I first read about it here on lovefraud. Thank you for guiding me to enforce it. Today is month number 10 of no contact.

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