UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Donna is correct you have to let all your emotions out..that’s not an easy thing to do since your mind has been so twisted up by the psychopath to suppress all of your feelings. I would also say that one of the most over looked aspects of psychopathic abuse it the victims adrenal gland issues. Panic attacks, depression, anxiety, mood swings, hair loss, sleep issues, etc (it’s a very long list of symptoms) are all issues of adrenal fatigue (PTSD).
The psychopaths keep their victims in a heighten state of anxiety purposely so that they can control their victims much easier. If a victims is in a heighten state you can not think clearly, you can not think how to leave the relationship (you need someone to swoop in and save you), you can not piece together all of the crazy manipulation the psychopath is doing to you because you are just trying to survive every single moment with the psychopath. You are in survival mode.
What happens in the body under continuous heighten state of anxiety?
Your adrenal glands are releasing high levels of cortisol & adrenaline know as the flight or fight response mode…the adrenal glands are also regulating your bodies blood pressure, blood sugar, and over 50 hormones including all of the female & male hormones. With continuous stress plus poor diet the adrenal glands get brunt out causing = adrenal fatigue.
What happens when your adrenal glands get burnt out? your body can not operate correctly and wreaks havoc on your and mind (& spirit).
The good news with time, a good clean diet, vitamins/minerals, hormonal balancing pill or cream, plenty of sleep, rest & relaxation your adrenal glands will recover. Which will allow your body & mind to function correctly again.
Find a good hormonal specialist or adrenal gland expert and get tested for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency, to start with. To find a good hormonal specialist ask your friends/google “compounding pharmayc” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors.
see drwilsonadrenalfatigue.org take his quiz/read/see his symptoms list, drlam.com see his symptoms list/read, mialundin.com read her book/see her you tube videos, womentowomen.com, drchristinanorthrup.com (the last two do a search on their sites for adrenal fatigue/hormonal balancing). google “dr amen pbs you tube” (see his books) and “dr fuhrman PBS you tube” for both of their PBS specials.
Remember it’s not all in your “head” it’s also a body issues that is affecting your mind ie depression, anxiety, panic attacks. According to Dr Wilson 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adulthood and sadly most doctors are not educated enough on this serious condition.
LadyA that is wonderful advice from Jan7. I lived through all of the above (wish I could get copious amounts of my hair to stop going down the drain though)and am on the other side now. Healing starts inside and works its way out. FORGIVING ourselves for getting caught in their web is utmost. Once we learn about it, understand it and take those lessons forward we can stop giving energy to the toxic person that was in our life. I myself, put pics of his face inside my shoes and went for ‘power walks, stomping all the way along, and talking (made sure no one was around!) to process and vent my angst. VERY healing.
You sound like such an intelligent gal who took the wrong exit on the highway of relationships. You will find the right way again. And give yourself time. You will trust again, and the lessons learned will guide you. I can smell a sociopath a mile away now!
LadyA….
Here’s my take on this. First and foremost, I’m so sorry you got caught up with this guy. It truly is amazing the amount of damage they inflict on other individuals.
It sounds like your life was moving forward in a very positive way and then he came along. Now you feel ashamed for getting sucked into this. You may feel you’ve taken steps backwards and have lost pride in yourself and what you do. But don’t, please don’t let that happen. Do feel the emotions, as mentioned by Donna and others. Also realize this isn’t anything you did wrong. These sociopaths have incredible abilities to drain you of your own self-worth….and they don’t care.
You sound like an amazing young woman. Don’t let him win. In time, you will be able to rise above this and come out even stronger and wiser. Know, too, that you are not in this alone. I have gone through this….and believe me, I know. It sucks, it hurts, it’s heart-wrenching. But give yourself time….sometimes a lot of time, to work through this. And please…don’t be ashamed. Life throws us these curve balls…but there is some life lesson in disguise here. It might take awhile to learn, but that’s okay, too. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Stay strong my friend. This LF community is here to listen.
carolann
LadyA,
Wow it only took you 6 months to leave, you should give yourself a congratulatory hug. It took some of us a lot longer to realize that leaving was the only option. Being with a sociopath completely alters your reality. Others don’t want to hear about it because most want to maintain the illusion that the world is essentially a good and safe place, that we can see the bad people coming, that the people we trust most in the world, our “safe” people, would not betray us. I agree that talking to a therapist or others who really understand what it means to go on despite knowing the risk first hand is your best bet. It’s a tall task to learn to trust others, to trust yourself and your own judgment again but it comes with time. I wondered as I was reading your entry what you want to do now, do you want to stay in your town or do you want to get back on the prior path you got derailed from? Or maybe a new path? Perhaps some long term goals, what ever they may be, might be helpful for you to realize that you still have aspirations and dreams. You had to go home to recalibrate, to be around truly safe people who had your best interest at heart; you are still healing and eventually I believe that amazing drive will return and you will allow yourself to reemerge a better strong version of yourself.
Electing to be with a sociopath cost me a job, a reputation, and a sense of self that took me decades to build. I move forward thinking perhaps it’s finally over, that is can return to my old life, only to be slapped down emotionally by someone judging me for being so stupid and picking what I thought was love over all other things. Mostly I judge myself. I get the pride thing though, I sure miss that naive cocky woman who thought, “something like that could never happen to me because I am so savvy and such a good judge of character”. While painful, this experience has humbled me and I hope made me more attuned to the fact that we are all potential victims. It was my “pride” that stopped me from asking for help from my colleagues before I risked everything for this piece of detritus.
I guess what I am trying to say to you is that I am impressed by how wise, articulate and amazing you already are, how quickly you got out, and how you have informed yourself about sociopaths. People say this to me all the time so I will turn this on you, “perhaps this happened to you so that you might help others with your experiences”. You have already started an excellent dialogue with your posting. Thank you for having the courage to tell us what you have been dealing with.
i lost all my friends & family and everything else, a place to live, etc by being with the spath. and i got 2 more children to raise ALONE except this time with a PSYCHO babydaddy to contend with (while he was there at least, now i ignore his existence)
wen i was finally able to get back to this side of the continent (altho WITH him, yuck) we spent the day we flew into town with my friend driving us around looking for SOMEone who would let us stay with them even just one nite. we had NOTHING. spaths dont worry about things like providing for their family. my friends stayed true to form and no one would help us. we finally ended up at a friends tiny apt who was telling us to leave in 3 days, she’s very depressive and hates kids lol
all i knew was that i HAD to get back “home” to have any hope of surviving the spath. so i swallowed any pride left and begged. to no avail lol
i just politely say to ppl now, ignorance is bliss.
iow u have NO IDEA wat ur talking about, now hush.
Well said, Mia. My experience mirrors yours. I had no idea I was with a sociopath until after the discard, and by that time, it had cost me my sense of self, a job, my professional reputation and most of my life savings. Friends I trusted were judgmental, patronizing, condescending and dismissive. I felt so alone I took it for awhile…now, none of those people are in my life, and some of them were outraged when I was honest with them. It hurt at first, now, I feel no sense of loss at all. Pffft. The few new friends I have are real.
I have not forgotten the confident, secure, kick ass woman I was, and every once in awhile I see a hint of her, so I know she’s not completely gone. I was thinking of my current situation as a launching pad, but I really like your concept of recalibration!
LadyA, I agree with Donna,pride in yourself and achievements is a good thing. I’m impressed that you accomplished so much at a young age. Also, I think that you have shown a huge amount of strength and character in your choice to move back to your moms, find a job and make friends. This evil person chose to break the law, but unfortunately, you are having to pay a penance. It’s so unfair!
Donna, thanks so much for confirming that it’s normal to be so mad, frustrated and emotionally exhausted when one goes through this kind of betrayal. So often, even though he never knew, I’ve felt like I was somehow letting my husband get the best of me when I outwardly acted out my pain. Like I was weak. But I always felt better afterwards. I wonder why more therapist don’t emphasize the depth of this kind of injury? It seems that we are grouped into the same type treatment of those who have other less significant marital issues.
Jan7, since I’ve been reading your post about adrenal exhaustion, I’ve implemented change in my lifestyle. Number one being that I have refused to let him, or my mind, take me to a place of fear, anxiety and constant rumination about his betrayal. My stress hormones are trying to calm. I’m sleeping a lot better and have more concentration. Thank you for this tips!
And cannh, you are right…this does hurt. Is heart wrenching, it sucks!,
Hi Hopingtoheal, I’m so glad that you are doing better with your health 🙂 It’s so nice that Donna started this wonderful site for all of us to chat about our experiences and what has helped us to heal plus gain such great insight from Donna’s wisdom.
Also, Donna, I would like to add how appreciative I am that you are constantly watching what is posted by members and then responding with appropriate articles to address their issues. It must take a lot of time, but it is so helpful!, This site has saved me! What a wonderful calling you have.
Amen!
Hello Donna,
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I do think you are right about me bottling up my feelings. I have always been viewed as such a strong person by everyone who knows me. I’ve always kept my “deep down” feelings very private.It became even more so that way after this all happened. I feel like I have something to prove and just kind of acted like it didn’t happen. But it seems that I never took the time in between to actually deal with my feelings.
Your comments on the severity of this betrayal really struck home with me. It definitely brought a few tears. Since only one person in my day to day life really knows some of what I went through (my mom doesn’t even know all of it) I feel often like I am just being too sensitive about everything that happened. I have tried to open up to my boyfriend and my best friend about what happened but they don’t seem to want to talk about it. The conversation always seems to quickly change to something completely unrelated. That makes me feel like it’s not really a big deal & I should just try to forget about it. I’m now thinking I need to start thinking differently about that and maybe let them know how important it is to me for them to listen to me talk about it.
Thanks again Donna. I really hope to make progress on my healing soon.
LadyA, I have found that the average person does not have the understanding to deal with profound grief from abandonment and betrayal unless they’ve been through something similar. You may have better luck with a therapist. You may need to try a few different ones until you find one you feel safe with who knows how to encourage you to go into your feelings. And of course it helps if they know what a sociopath is. Some do; some don’t.
I know for myself, I have gone through so much trauma and so many betrayals in my 53 years, that it almost seems “normal” to me. It’s not until I tell one of the stories to my counselor and hear her reflect back how much pain I’ve been through that I actually give myself permission to break down and feel the hurt. However, if I try to talk about it to my friends, they often don’t know what to do. The guy friends especially will try to make me stop crying. Men often seem uncomfortable with a woman crying. They don’t know how to handle it. Women are more sympathetic, but often have a time frame for when they think you should be over it. And that doesn’t always coincide with the end of the grief. Grief is over when it’s over and not one minute sooner. You definitely want to avoid friends who tell you to get over it.
LadyA yes, many people have difficulty being around someone who is “processing” – feeling the intense pain of an emotional hurt or betrayal. For them, it is often a protective measure – they can’t bear to witness the pain, because it may mean that they, too, may someday face similar pain.
That’s why it is fine experience your emotions by yourself. You can let it rip, without holding the pain back so that it’s less scary for someone else. And when you get to the root of the pain, and excavate it, this is when real healing can occur.
LadyA, my heart goes out to you. Some great advice given.
I believe many of us may have had post traumatic stress without realising it, mainly because we don’t know the symptoms. Would like to make a little suggestion that you read the attached written by the Mayo Clinic (you can google it), even if it is to rule it out.
Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic Staff
Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within three months of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships.
PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, or changes in emotional reactions.
Intrusive memories
Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:
Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event
Avoidance
Symptoms of avoidance may include:
Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
Negative changes in thinking and mood
Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:
Negative feelings about yourself or other people
Inability to experience positive emotions
Feeling emotionally numb
Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Hopelessness about the future
Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
Difficulty maintaining close relationships
Changes in emotional reactions
Symptoms of changes in emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:
Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
Always being on guard for danger
Overwhelming guilt or shame
Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
Trouble concentrating
Trouble sleeping
Being easily startled or frightened
Intensity of symptoms
PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you’re stressed in general, or when you run into reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.
When to see a doctor
If you have disturbing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your health care professional. Get treatment as soon as possible to help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.
If you have suicidal thoughts
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, get help right away through one or more of these resources:
Reach out to a close friend or loved one.
Contact a minister, a spiritual leader or someone in your faith community.
Call a suicide hotline number in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor. Use that same number and press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
Make an appointment with your doctor, mental health provider or other health care professional.
When to get emergency help
If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
If you know someone who’s in danger of committing suicide or has made a suicide attempt, make sure someone stays with that person. Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Or, if you can do so safely, take the person to the nearest hospital emergency room.
LadyA, you really did “save yourself” very quickly, compared to many of us. You need to really also process the great good things you did, and gain strength from knowing you were able to assess and leave, etc. Even gaining weight, might be a result of your trying to comfort yourself with food. Again, while the end result isn’t what you want, don’t berate yourself. Thank heaven you’ve been in a “take care of yourself” mode, and just alter your methods. You are very young, and were not in the horror too long. There are a LOT of these bad people around, and this experience will definitely help you to spot them next time. I was in a 24 year marriage to one… and he hid it until the last year. Not one of my family nor friends had a clue, either. Rather than focus on him robbing me of half my life, I focus on how proud of myself I am, that I got out and severed the tie quickly, once I knew what he was. I have seen strength in myself that I didn’t know was possible. I am really proud of how I handled it. I’m 2 years out and still in a legal fight with him, but I secured sole custody with zero visitation of our two teen sons, and he’s been jailed repeatedly, too. And yes.. I struggled with the recovery too… but you WILL get there! You’ve done great.
Elizabethbrooks,
I was at my wits end by the 6 month point. I wouldn’t have survived 24 years. I can’t imagine going through that horror for so long. I absolutely do credit your strength.
Thanks so much for your words. It really does help to see that I am not alone in this and it will get better.
Truer words were never spoken: “Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.”
I’ve lost count of how many times my therapist has told me this in one form or another. When we met the psychopath, we were all strong women…and yes, proud of what we had accomplished, were doing, and planned to do in the future. From all my readings, I know that is one of the reasons we were such perfect targets – we had a lot to lose. In my case, my ex “helped” me accelerate my plans for the future and even expanded them larger than I had ever dreamed, largely with my finances, just so he could intentionally pull the rug out from under me and force me to lose them, and he did it for SPORT.
It is taking me much longer than I expected to get myself and my life back together, and almost daily I remind myself that I have a tendency to downplay what happened to me. I had been thinking of it as my life being derailed, and recently, I realized it was more like the Challenger explosion. We all remember the pictures of the explosion – with trails of smoke and in some cases, a speck of debris flying through the air. I thought I could just lift the train and set it back up on the tracks like I had done with every problem in my life, and head off to bigger and better things. Instead, I was reduced to a little speck, starting from scratch.
I was just talking to a friend yesterday about being embarrassed at having gone backwards (and yes, I returned to where I started from and it feels like a failure to me too) financially, professionally and personally. I struggle with wanting to go back, just like LadyA. I hope the right path will reveal itself.
But to get to my point, we are still the strong women we were before these horrific experiences blew our lives apart. Changed, hidden, healing, scared, confused, but still strong. I too thought once I had been educated and understood that the healing would be complete and I’d spring back into my old self that I was so proud of. It’s not that simple.
Before this happened to me, I was so proud of my life and it never crossed my mind to compare myself with anyone else. Now, it is easy to lapse into that trap, and mostly, I compare myself (unfavorably) to the old me. I marvel at people who are in seemingly successful relationships and can enjoy simple things and are unaware of the horrors that can happen, just as we once were. Those are the times I remind myself of how far I have come…at first, I couldn’t even get up off the floor…then I lifted my head, learned to crawl, etc. I’m walking now, it will still be awhile before I can run, or do cartwheels.
Thank you LadyA and Donna, for a topic that spoke directly to me today.