UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
He also used that excuse “I need Viagra for us”. HAHA. I also found an empty container hidden in the garage. I asked him “where are the pills”. He said “I do not recall”. He could not show me the pills so I know he used them with her. The “I do not recall” phrase became his favorite in court. Really, how pathetic.
I truly think this is punishment for him already. Needing Viagra with the young co worker. Oh well, glad he is not my problem anymore.
Tamikaye. Good you are changing your email. It’s a little hassle but well worth it. I also changed my phone no for 36$ . Best dollars I ever spent. 🙂
So you are almost the same age like me tamikaye. I guess we are still learning and I think I came out smarter out of this mess. 🙂
Kaya, Tami, another good book I read a few years ago was called The Gift of Fear by Gavin D
de Becker. A must read. Gives direction on how to get rid of stalkers, ex-boyfriends, trusting your intuition/gut. From memory I think he said if you are being stalked by and ex, don’t block your phone or email but get an additional phone line and email address. That way the stalker thinks you are getting the messages but just ignoring them. Maybe someone else who has read this book more recently can remind me of this/tell Tami??
Have a peaceful weekend.
I recall from deBecker’s book and other things I’ve read that the best thing to do is to engage as little as possible, and to show no emotions, and to be as boring to the P as possible. If the P might be a threat or dangerous it is best to be as low key as possible. So if making a big show of blocking him is likely to inflame or infuriate him especially if he’s a stalker, it’s best to just not take his calls without a lot of fanfare.
The problem for me was that I could not interact with my abusive exP without allowing him to push my buttons so I’d get worked up and lose it, which was exactly what he wanted. I had to be NC, with very limited contact via email about our tax return.
Thanks Annette
you can always file married separately, even if they dont want to. if one person does, and goes ahead and does it…then its done. the other person has to file the same way if u wont sign the return. and if its done electronically, they wont be able to submit it as the SS# already has been accepted as married filing separately.
dont talk to him or her about it. just go ahead and do it. u pay a higher pay rate, but its well worth it.
NC has very very very few reasons to break.
Thanks for the thoughts. I agree NC is very important. It worked out ok to communicate via email a few times. The EIC was at stake, so it was worth it for $3,500+. If not filing joint, I would file Head of Household and the ex P would file married filing separately, but I would not have gotten the EIC.
Good advise Bally,
You are right about getting a second number or email. In my case my soon to be ex has my dons email and phone no. So he definitely knows that we ignore him and from I learned is torture for a narcissist. It takes control away from them. And if course they think they are not worthy enough to be talked to.
I will get the book that you mentioned. Even though I survived this mess I liked to educate myself more about them. Just want to make sure that I never meet one again. And if I do of would not take 20 years to get rid of one.
Kaya, what did you read to determine he is a narcissist? I believe malignant narc’s are similar in behaviour to psychopaths and I understand the drivers of their behaviours are different. It would be good to get some good reading material on narcissism as like you I am learning.
Just noticed a lot of victims here are of similar age…mid to late 40’s…..
The book is called “when love is a lie”. Also the marriage counselor diagnosed him after 2 or 3 sessions.
Yes most victims are mid to late 40’s.
What is the reason for this age group to be targets? Thanks for book name.
I don’t think that the age group to be targets so much as that’s the age group that self identifies, when many stop trying to fix their marriage because they realize they’ve tried everything but that it’s worse not better, and that life is passing by and if they ever want better for themselves or their children, they need to leave the socio. It’s also the age of dumping by a sociopath who married in order to gain respectability because the wife is no longer young and by gosh, he needs to maintain his image of superiority.
Financial security could be a factor. By the forties, many people have advanced in their careers and have achieved some financial security, perhaps owning a home, all of which the P’s want to exploit. My ex P wanted my home and other assets; he had nothing but debt when we met, blaming it on his first ex wife.
Absolutey my ex was twisted when it came to sexual relations. I talked to my primary care doctor once and he told me that a man in his 40’s should have no need for Viagra or cialis. It is a deep underlying, mental issue when men that young purchase this. Also I would have never thought he would take nude photos of himself with his face showing and put them on the computer. I was so wrong about so many things. Often he told me I should be grateful to be married to him since he so good looking. Yuck.
He was also addicted to porn and was obsessed with his body. He thought he was gods gift to women.
Yes the show true tori is a good example. The excuses he comes up with are so familiar to me. “You did not give me enough sex and all this crap ” I heard it before.
I am so glad I don’t have to hear this b/s anymore. He can tell this to his little co worker now. She might listen to him because I sure won’t anymore. Pathetic, selfish cowards.
not to defend these men being talked about on here, but ED is a serious problem for diabetics. their nerves are shot, their bld vessels are hardened. they rly cant get erections. no matter how turned on they are. most cannot even do it with the little blue pills. there are other diseases and syndrome which can cause ED too.
your md was out to lunch to say that without clarifying.
what do u think of this? i was the only person the narc didnt need to use cialis with since he was in his early 40s (he’s 51 in a few wks). when i’d leave and he’d screw other women, he’d have to use it. i’d find the new bottle with 1-3 gone and know for sure he’d been with someone lol
i dont get that. at all.
aint…I know it’s a serious issue. I worked for a large pharma company who actually makes the stuff. Yes, HUGE issue for diabetics and it’s sad. Also, if they take meds for high blood pressure, that can also make them impotent. I just know with mine…he was healthy. The only thing that was messing him up was the alcohol and his perversions.
kaya, it’s like they have a playbook that they share. Mine used to tell me I was lucky to be with a millionaire with a big $&%# and that there were plenty of wannabes that were lined up to take my place should I give them half a chance. He was not a millionaire (his house might have been worth that on paper for about a minute once) and his $&%# was normal sized. Cripes.
He was obsessed with his body too, spent a lot of time on crash diets and in the gym, living on protein shakes. I always wondered if he was on steroids during this time but never found any evidence. Porn, definitely.
I’m glad someone else is watching True Tori and thinking the same things. When he made that comment about needing to find someone to make him feel better since they weren’t “intimate” on his last night in town I was yelling at the tv.
It feels good to be able to talk about this and not get upset, just feel mildly disgusted and be happy it is in the past. Back then, I would have been planning long weekend activities and barbecues right now, buying all the groceries, doing all the work and at some point he would have done something to ruin it all. No way would I have gotten through the weekend without crying more than once.
Oh my md told me if there is no physical causr, like you said hypertension, diabetes and so on then there should not be a need for Viagra.
I am sure he did not use it with me. It was definetely for his little “minions” to impress them. He is not in my life anymore so he does not have to hide it anymore.
Hanalei
Back then I would have done the same. Planned some barbecue, cooked for him and ended up crying the entire weekend. Holidays he was always extra “mean”.
I am glad someone is watching that show. I know it’s a tabloid but I can see her pain and his he plays the victim after cheating. He is so full of it. What bothers me though that they started their marriage based on lies (they were both married and left their partners to be together). That shows you right there that once a cheater always a cheater. He is so manipulative. The things he says could come out if my ex’s mouth. That she does not give him attention. They have 4 children. It reminds me when I worked overnight shifts I was never allowed to be too tired for sex. If I was I got the silent treatment or insults thrown at me.
Oh he was obsessed with exercise and gym and when women looked at him at the beach he was in heaven. Yuck.
You are so right. He was wanted to be complimented about his private parts. I mean we are married 20 years and I was suppose to say every day that he was the best in bed. And yes it was totally mechanical. What I find interesting he never liked to kiss or just cuddle. It was always about sex. Kissing he hated. And he was bad at it.
Glad they are others like you who understand what I am talking about. It makes me feel that I am validated in my thoughts. Thank you.
I was supposed to DAILY say crap too. how wonderful he was. and cling to him daily. just very juvenile. drove me BONKERS, rly stressing me out. i thot i was an attention-whore :p he put me to shame. and i found out i was not that at all. i am normal, the spath just rejected me constantly and tried to make me think i was abnormally needy.
i was literally supposed to sit next to the narc on the couch all day (he only worked 6.30 or 7 till 11am) he watched tv his entire non-working time. it was mindshattering to me. i hate tv and hate the STUPID shows he watched. i can not watch big bang theory (which IS kinda funny sometimes) or that 70s show anymore. it makes me feel trapped like wen i watched them with him. he would insist on watching American Horror Show (cant remember exact name), with that AWFUL demonic music even if i could keep the girls eyes from it, while they were not just awake but eating or watever, so they couldnt get away from it. PURPOSELY being evil like that to little girls. SICK SICK SICK
if i didnt say the right things (at the right times), he would say them for me and say i know you feel this and this, too. well damn, if i did, I wudda said them!
i existed, WOMEN exist, to only feed his ego and boost his almost nonexistent self esteem. he needed constant ego stroking. i would have done it alot more, of course…if he had been human to me. i like to make ppl happy esp if they are filling MY cup. but this sicko…sigh
i dont take anything about or from this narc as PERSONAL. all women will fail him. he’s NEVER had a successful relationship. he cant have anything NOT ABOUT HIM *EXCLUSIVELY*/
SER
I totally agree with you. Someone mentioned tattoos. After the discard my soon to be ex also got tattoos, purchased a Harley Davidson motorcycle and went “wild”. Tattoos are a major turn of for me also. Matter fact any man is a major turn off rightnow. It had been about 16 months and I still have no desire for a relationship. I am so content and happy rightnow. Why add or change something to it.
The tv show “true tori” just shows how uncaring and selfish they can be. I mean they have 4 beautiful kids and all he thinks about is sex, more sex and himself. She is so addicted to him and it is so obvious. Having her financial status I would kick that guy to the curb.
I never agreed with them starting out on lies but still she does not deserve this.
My ex was so perverted but hid it so perfectly behind his mask. To family and neighbors he portrayed this hard working cop with the highest morales. Yeah right. I wish the little co worker would have posted his nude photos somewhere on a bulletin board at the sheriffs dept. for the world to see his perverted side. But then again she did the same. Sending him nude pictures knowing he has a wife and a son. They are so perfect for each other.
SER,
I feel the same way as you do. I was thinking that any woman becomes a routine in bed and a relationship goes do much deeper than sex and good looks. What in the world could my soon to be ex have in common with the 20 something co worker/ girlfriend. Other than sex I can’t think of something. I mean his son is almost the sane age as her. But I think that they need don’t one who looks young and “fresh” on their arm. It feeds their ego and without that supply they would not feel good. Being married and raising a family means growing old together. For him age was always a problem. Very strange. He claimed I got too old and had to be replaced. But guess what he got old also. What a sick mind they have. Maybe now he definetely feels old next to the young one. Because there is at least 20 plus years between them.
Have a great holiday weekend everyone.