UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
TDS79
I got a laugh when you said “people can not make this stuff up”
I agree with you there! Only a twisted, messed up in the head type of person can make this stuff up!
The stories mine told me daily, whenever he left his home for a minute, were so dumb it was funny..of course in the back of my mind without telling him, i thought he was off his rocker…I also believe a little part of me during our time together, actually knew his stories were bullsh** but refused to believe it…
When I relay certain stories to people that mine came up with, I get laughed at in the face and asked how I could have been so gullible!! I mean going away on secret business and suddenly hear from him saying “am stuck in the Ukraine and robbed by pirates and could you pls help me get a flight out of here because all my credit card and money has been taken”
yep i believed it…but thinking back if it was work related, then why can’t he report to them and they can get him out of there? After all according to him, they paid for him to go and work on a secret mission, they are responsible.
Which now i think really translates to: “I’m in the Ukraine and hate the crazy woman I met online and came here to mess around with, and I need to get out, can you help me?”
Oh god was I dumb
We’ve all been guilty of giving the benefit of the doubt with these guys… my instincts would scream “that doesn’t make sense! ” yet I wasn’t walking in his shoes, nor had anything to do with his job and their rules and procedures so I’d give the benefit of the doubt until I had proof = it had nothing to do with intellect. I’d say we were easy lead but wanted to be…
undertheradar, I agree! We wanted to be easily led, only because it was easier than facing the truth!
janedoe, the Ukraine and robbed by pirates?! That’s awesome. I’m finding humor in it not at your expense but because of all the stupid sh*t I fell for in my relationship. Most of the stories he told me and his excuses were crazy and I happily accepted them most of the time. He’d also use his stories as fuel to mentally abuse me. If I questioned him, watch out!!
Hi tds79
I’m curious as to what kind of stories and crap yours made up that were wild and stupid…I’d like to hear if you’re able, so I know I’m not alone 🙂
Dear Janedoe
An example of stupid crap said by my ex, and I believed because I wanted it to be the reason:
on my observation and questioning why intimacy was missing from our relationship, why we didn’t seem to be really connected, why I constantly had the feeling that at any moment, he could walk away and not ever think of me ever again…
x: I do love you SO much and I WANT to show you. But I have these morals that I can’t overcome, that I can’t show you that kind of passion as a single man. I can only do that as a married man.
My “x man”, who, as the moral married man, gave me STD’s, was physically unavailable because he was SO busy with other women, was unable to “love me” so much so that I was convinced he was not interested in sex… my x who overcame his morals and had LOTS of intimacy and sex during his marriage. A man that I thought would NEVER cheat on me because he just wasn’t interested in sex. Turns out, he loves lots of sex. Just not with me.
I shoulda listened to my intuition. But I didn’t because it was literally so very very painful. I had told myself a lie, that the reason he didn’t seem to want intimacy was because there was something wrong with ME. That was the core pain that I faced and why I ignored my intuition. But it wasn’t until I FACED that ENORMOUS pain and revised it into the truth that I was able to free myself and able to listen to my intuition. AND having listened to the true message from that caring part of me…. I then felt Free from wanting reconciliation with him.
janedoe,
Sorry, I’m just now seeing this! Your spath’s stories definitely seem crazier than mine up front, however there’s nothing like finding out your ex is a cocaine addict and pursues men as well. My ex also had crazy stories about his past. I definitely believe some of the crazy ones, especially the ones when he described crimes he’d committed. Wish I had my eyes open at the time!
One time when we were together I had to take him to the hospital because he was having chest pain. Good Lord I’ve never seen a man act like such an exaggerated baby! He had a huge operation on his stomach years ago and the scare is very apparent. The ER staff asked about the scar and I started telling them about how it happened. My ex got mad at me…turns out his surgery wasn’t about what he had told me. He would also make up excuses to cancel plans. For example, he’d say he needed to see his mom or dad (this happened frequently) and one time he needed to see me late because he had to attend a church party (not like he went to church or even believes in God!). He went on a couple business trips (I’m sure to pursue other women). So no Ukraine or pirates but he was definitely leading several lives. I found out this to be true once we split. It makes me sick.
You are definitely not alone. 🙂
Jane doe
As you know I always believed his crazy lies also. I don’t think we are dumb but we are normal , trusting , emotional functioning individuals. I think it is normal for us to believe what we want to believe even though the reality and truth is right in front of us.
I remember when I asked my ex why he had nude pictures of himself on the computer. His answer was “I am trying to get into shape and I am recording my progress”. Ha, I believed it. Until I found her nude photos. It’s just another part of the crazy making. He wanted me to believe it and he wanted to control this. He always claimed I was mentally I’ll for discovering his b/s. And I applogized. Unbelievable. After I brohe the addiction to him, I was able to clearly see the entire picture not just a little part of it . It’s a long, difficult progress and many times I messed up the no contact had to start from scratch. Now the no cobtact is easily done. I don’t think of him anymore. Just like a bad deal with a bad business partner. He can lie to his co worker / mistress/ girlfriend now, he can cheat and betray her. She is my replacement and forever I owe her to take my place.
Kaya48
Funny how we all feel “we were so blind” when it came to their stories they invented!! Looking back on them, I now could kick myself.
I think, like you mentioned, we knew..we knew they were lying and doing their crap..we just put on blinders and chose to “believe” them, rather than take that step and tell them to leave. Thank goodness we finally saw the truth, although we’ve always known. In my case, because he was that sweet, caring person, I didn’t want to believe the truth. It felt better disguising the truth and getting the “comfort” and “attention” that maybe I’d been lacking…am starting though to see how ridiculous he looked and how so many things he said were ridiculous. I haven’t heard from him for 2 months now. I think it would be a setback if I did..I’m just starting to have days where I see clearly and feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders.
Undertheradar
Were your friends ever aware of what your ex really was?
Does it mean the post you came across this morning is a good thing?
Janedoe
I can’t blame my friends because they were just as conned by him as I was, although they never saw what he was doing at home and convinced me that I must be wrong, which kept me in the relationship. My lesson in all of this was to trust my instincts without 100% proof and regardless how much my friends thought I was crazy – I think?
And yes you made me smile and it was a good thing. The bad thing is that sometimes my notifications take days to come through and I’ve been waiting to see activity from this site but had nothing so this morning I looked and there was your response – sorry for the delay!
Hi all
I’ve got a serious problem, one that is of more importance than the screwed up marriage I just left but is, I assume, a direct result of the this situation…
If I speak to or have any contact with the spath during the day, even if I’m just going over the past in my head, by the time I go to bed I can’t sleep because my heart beat is thumping in my ear – for hours!
It’s taken me weeks to see the patterns and work out what this means but now I’m fully aware of what is happening = its sending my blood pressure through the roof! Now I’m starting to worry that I’ll have a stroke if it continues so I’m now fully prepared to make drastic changes to my life, starting with ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT and only through my Solicitor. I have to quit smoking, this will be the hardest and completely change my lifestyle so all suggestions are most welcome!
undertheradar,
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. Unfortunately, I’m not much help but can absolutely relate! Even though I went NC in July, the past plays through my head often and I continue to put pieces together while reliving his hell. I quit smoking for almost 3 years and started again at the end of our relationship. Now I’m smoking like crazy. It’s a horrible habit and hard to quit, especially when so stressed! I’m starting to take better care of myself and my stress levels go up and down now, rather than just up all the time. Going NC will definitely help, but the trauma, past and present will still live on. I’m also open to suggestions! In the meantime, try and relax at night before bed. I do a lot of deep breathing and meditation, even if it’s only for 5 minutes and my mind runs. It helps some. Maybe think of things that used to relax you when you were in a better state. Even if it doesn’t seem to work at first, over time you may find yourself returning to a more peaceful state of mind.
I’m happy we have each other to try and move past our situations with. We need to start taking better care of ourselves!
TDS79
I agree with you about having each other. It has given me the strength to try to get past his crazy nonsense we are going through. Knowing others have the same issues is such a relief. Three months ago not knowing where to turn or what was happening was making me sick. Coming on here and getting such great advice has helped me so much. I can’t say I’m completely over everything but I was thinking earlier how it is such a nice relief not to have to be OCD over him like I was for here and a half years. Waiting for an email or text daily and not hearing when I shd was causing me such stress. Or when he would go out and I’d wait to hear when he’d return would make me nuts. There was always something each and every day with him that I became so preoccupied with my situation. I feel so relieved now that I can spend my day not obsessing over his whereabouts or when will he call or what did e mean when he said something. NC is probably the best thing I did and slowly leads to recovery.
This is such a great release. People who’e had no experience with this truly don’t get it. I totally feel you on everything you’re saying about the OCD! Even though my situation is still driving me mad at times, I must admit that I most grateful for the attention I can give my life and my job without his constant emotional roller coaster games. Looking back, I don’t even know how I lived my life being so preoccupied with him. It was horrible and all consuming.
TDS79
Once again I’ve waited for days (actually a week) for notifications from LF while also checking this thread and while my tablet tells me I’m logged in and subscribed, behind the scenes it’s logged me out…sorry for the late response!
Meditation is a good idea and something that keeps coming up, I just need to get organized and dig out my guided meditations because I can’t do it on my own as my mind wanders to much – I’m also still moving stuff into a newly renovated unit so nothing is as hands on as it was…
I’ve also had a huge couple of weeks traveling to catch up with friends and also found out that my ex has typing into Facebook, searches that shows all the posts I’ve been tagged in so now I feel as though I can’t just move on and enjoy my life because he just searches what I’m up to despite my security settings being tighter than a fishes asshole!
It’s creepy what they can do to you…
undertheradar,
I haven’t been receiving notifications as well, so I totally understand!
It must be difficult moving with all of this going on. I hope at least it feels like a fresh start for you? When I meditate I’ve just allowed myself to think and try to focus on positive things. It’s not like the meditation I used to do but I figure it’s something….
Social networking is a beast in our types of situations! No matter what security measures I took on FB, there were always ways for people and strangers to get through. I want to give my ex nothing! Getting off has been sad for me but comforting. Every time I found out more was happening on FB it brought me back to that place of dread. Have you thought about getting off, at least for a few months? It took me time doing that. I would get off, get back on, etc. In the long run I decided it’s not worth it and am overall happy with my decision. I’m sorry that he is using fb to stalk you. Not a great feeling!
The creepy things they do, indeed! I got a new phone number at the beginning of last week. Not even 2 days after getting a new phone and my mom started getting constant calls from my disconnected number. She said the calls made her uncomfortable (she never answered) and she even had to turn her phone off a couple of times. They stopped coming in a couple of days ago. I figure with his ability to use disconnected numbers and because my mom’s number is the only he has of mine, it makes sense it’s him. These types of things seem easy for him to do. I feel so bad because now I have people I’m close to getting stranger fb contact and my own mother is being harassed. Oh, the joys!!!
TDS79
It did it again! I think I’ve worked it out now. If I tell my tablet to stay logged in and remember the password that might switch the notifications back on? Time will tell…
It really gets up my nose that we are the victims but we need to change everything and go into hiding – WTF?
Your spath sounds scary! That’s obsession and you need to be on your guard 24/7 as this twisted behavior could escalate if his avenues of stalking dry up and he gets frustrated. What precautions can you take and have you documented everything? In Australia I can request a list of the numbers coming in as private, if I feel in any way threatened by them, can you do that there? I’m with Vodafone and they’ll trace every call and document them for me then if a pattern of harassment appears they assist with an investigation and monitor all their other calls, stalking is a crime here! I hope you’ve at least reported it to the police? Your mother shouldn’t have to suffer as well! Crazy messed up creeps they are!!!
I wish we could just get on with our lives and not feel the need to hide it from the world… to switch off fb would mean he’s still winning and as much as they say to “grey rock” I’m just not prepared to hide away from my life and waste it waiting for him to stop. Unfair!
undertheradar,
You mention my spath is “Scary”. Yes, I believe he is. It’s interesting to me that I feel my lifestyle being stalked has become a norm. It’s only when I talk about him to people I’m close to, to my counselor or on here that it hits me most. It seems I’m out of my body when I talk about it sometimes. I know that’s a result of the trauma. His stalker norm reminds me of the abuse norm. I knew something was wrong when he was abusing me, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Now I’m aware and still can’t put my finger on it.
I’m becoming more upset about my parents being contacted. My mom is still getting calls and both my parents are receiving more stranger fb requests. I’m to the point I want to take a stand. I regret not filing a restraining order while he was actively perusing me personally. I was afraid then. I’m faced with another legal opportunity but it involves his work and him messing with an account I have. I know I have another legal opportunity I can take but I’m afraid of him retaliating against me at my work. I feel like I mess with his work, he’ll easily mess with mine. Do I want to put myself through that?
You mentioned Vodafone. As far as I know it’s not a resource in the US. What exactly does Australia do to protect you? Do you feel like you’d be protected if his obsession becomes worse? I live in the US and although there are laws it seems you have to be able to prove things without a doubt. In talking to the police earlier this summer (they were discouraging) and in talking to my counselor that works for the local woman’s shelter, because he does everything covert it seems I have nothing to go on legally. I’m ready to fight, regardless it seems there’s nothing to protect me, law or not.
I’ve decided to start looking into more options on how to better pursue my situation. Possibly talking to people in the legal system and/or maybe a PI. I can’t live my life like this forever. Maybe he’ll eventually go away but from what I’m being told from my counselor, what his actions/patterns are showing and what the past says alone, I can’t count on him going away for good, or at least not for a while. I even feel defeated by the thought of moving under an alias. He finds things out. I can’t shake the thought that he is going to hurt me, or at least try. I have to take a stand. I just don’t know what that means as of now. Here I am talking about safety and I can’t help but wonder if posting on this site is safe for me? Grrrrrrrr This is MY LIFE! I want it back. I want to stop being afraid. I need to stand strong. I just don’t know how.
How’re you hanging in? How’s the NC going? I totally understand your thought process about him “winning” if you get off fb. I felt that way too, about many things I knew I needed to change and so I held on. Ultimately I decided it didn’t matter if he was winning. Turns out my sanity and safety won that battle. Don’t get me wrong…I’m still pissed about it. I feel like socially I’ve moved from NY, NY to a small unknown town in Nebraska.
TDS79
I can only cringe at the situation you’re in… I know that you need to make a decision which way to turn but your ex is a total psycho!!! I get the feeling that he either wants to send you to a mental institution or he’s working himself up to serial killer status?
I think you might be onto something with the PI. He can at least track the I.P. address in all those frienf requests which will show a pattern of harassment along with his mental instability. My ex is in the police force and they have an integrity department that tracked all my ex’s Internet activity – is this something that you can do via his job or with a PI? You need to play this smarter and 2 steps ahead of the p***k if you decide to take him on to win. Just make sure you have the back up needed for when you do and he goes all psycho revenge on you, or you could just move to a small unknown town in Nebraska under an alias wuth no friends or family to speak of and start a whole new life – bloody hell!!!
The thought also crossed my mind that he’s watching this as well – are you 100% sure your computer is spyware free? A PI will also check out whether you’re being monitored on all aspects but don’t invite him to your house for your first appointment. Keep that as ” undertheradar” (lol) as possible.
I really wouldn’t post on here while I was going to war either – keep everything close and between only a few trusted people but definitely include several people in your circle so they can keep tabs on your safety as well.
Wishing you a safe and happy landing on your feet xxx
udertheradar,
Thank you for your last message. I had my computer checked this summer and wiped it recently — I hope I’m okay. Although I wouldn’t put it past him to read up on here. It just sucks because this is a good outlet for me. I’ve figured because he already knows what’s going on him reading this will only show he’s still getting to me (not that that’s a small thing). When/If I start war on him I plan to share little to none. Pretty sure he’d be happy for me to go crazy and go psycho on me! He’s wearing me down for sure. I’m exhausted. Hats off to him.
I’m meeting with some people in the court system tomorrow to start planning. It’s a start!
undertheredar, I just saw this now. I don’t mean to scare you but I have had two heart attacks and two temporary strokes since leaving my ex almost 4 years ago. I checked into stats on it and women who have been in an abusive relationship are 70% more likely to have heart disease.
Please get checked by the doctor. I will tell you what I found out and wish I would have done differently.
I was not eating right, didn’t want to cook for myself, I was working long hours and eating a lot of fast food or picking up a TV dinner on the way home. All VERY high in sodium and very bad for blood pressure and because salt makes you retain fluid it puts extra strain on your heart.
One TV dinner is like 70% of your recommended daily sodium. Smoking is definitely a no no and I am still struggling with that but I watch how much fluid I drink and I really watch my sodium intake.
If you have any swelling in your feet it is a sign of heart failure and you should get to the doctor immediately. Also heartburn is a sign of heart trouble. I had heartburn for a couple of years before I ever had a heart attack.
Women do not have the same symptoms as men. With my 1st heart attack I had been working hard that day, lifting over my head and my neck and shoulders felt stiff and sore. I was extremely tired and thought maybe I was getting the flu. I had a hot bath and then the pains were more between my shoulder blades and started to gravitate to the front right in the middle under my rib cage. I had gas really bad (another sign) and then my right arm (men it is the left arm women it is the right arm or no pain at all in either arm) were really heavy feeling, not throbbing just felt really heavy. I googled my symptoms and it said heart attack so I drove myself to the hospital and I was in the middle of having a heart attack.
I was supposed to take 6 weeks off and go on expensive meds. I was back at work in 2 days after getting out of the hospital and never took my meds. A year later my feet were really swollen. No pain like before but every time I laid down I felt I couldn’t breath. It got worse and I would sleep propped up. After a while I couldn’t even lay in the bathtub to rinse the soap out of my hair. My feet were huge. someone told me to drink lots of cranberry juice to cleanse my body. BAD advice. All the extra fluids were making my heart work too hard and it wasn’t able to get enough blood to my organs and my kidneys were shutting down. I was drowning, every time I laid down my lungs filled with fluid.
After my first heart attack I didn’t watch my salt intake either. Now I read all my food labels and never use salt to cook or add to my food. I rarely eat take out. A healthy diet is very important when under emotional stress.
Ladywithatruck
I’m hearing ya! That must have scared you so much? The stress is enough to endure on its own….
I’m going to take your advice but I’ve never had any of the other symptoms you’ve mentioned. Smoking has been my only vice for the last 5 years. I decided to change my diet to a purely Paleo lifestyle and I’m considered on the under side of perfect weight for my height and age. I walked through a national park today with my bush walking group and we did 21k’s which is God only knows in miles? But it took us 7 hours up and down mountains and across several long beaches. I’m exhausted but I also moved my things out of storage yesterday in extremely high temperatures (bushfire weather here) and I’ve got a physical job so I’m fitter than most 50 yr olds.
I’m hoping to be at the Dr’s by Wednesday but I’m expecting him to tell me what I suspect and that it’s stress only. He’s a great family Dr we’ve had for 20 years and knows our history to be one of a rare visit because we’re all very healthy outdoors people that eat meat and veggies 3 times a day and never have takeaway unless its an absolute last resort and usually only once a year, if that! Salt is on some of my meals but we do need to consume the minerals on occasion – nothing is processed in my house, its all made from scratch and I don’t have milk or bread, pasta or anything canned or fizzy either.
Thanks for caring and sharing x
Under the radar
I had the same exact problem. The thumping in my ears/head at night, sometimes hearing my blood rush through my head. Indeed it was high blood pressure. For me this problem ended when I started the no contact. Whenever I had any communication with him it happened when I was trying to sleep. The no contact truly saved my life. Isnt it unbelievable that these evil monster can inflict so much pain , even physical pain on us. Even after my divorce was final my ex is still trying to aggrevate and manipulate. Anything that comes up I let my dear lawyer handle. I will not get drawn in his evil games again. My lawyer knows exactly how to respond. I myself would be a participant in that “crazy making game” again which I abdolutely refuse to do. 20 years was way too long. I don’t understand why he can’t play those games with his new minions or maybe the minions disappeared ?? Who knows.
Goid luck under the radar. What helped me is a few pillows and not thinking about the past or the future. Live in the moment and take orcas a blessing he is out of your life. I myself thank God every day that he gave me the strength and hope to divorce this monster. I know my ex was lucifer in person and I will never communicate with the devil again.
Kaya48
Sorry for the delay with responding. By all accounts it appears as though I’m logged in but no one is commenting, only to discover that I’m logged out and not receiving notifications.
I’m truly grateful for everyone’s impute here and getting the confirmation that I’m not alone or my instincts are correct. Finding out that you had the same reaction to your ex gives me power to control the blood pressure issues and not just run off to a Dr for some bandaid cure.
I need to make changes to this situation and I need to do it now so thanks again!
Undertheradar
Not a problem I have the same issues with receiving notifications or an alert when a message is posted on here. I do sometimes happen to check the different articles written on here and suddenly notice a response or a new post has been made..maybe the notification system isn’t working properly?
I also know what you mean about the thumping in your chest…back a few years ago when I first met the crazy dummy, I was so caught up in it all. Unable to sleep, eat or concentrate on anything. I was smoking nonstop and practically living on coffee alone. I think this took its toll onto system and started having racing heart rate. At its worst time I had to call an ambulance because my rate had escalated to over 200 beats a minute. I was hospitalized and had to have a procedure called an ablation..my condition was called SVT. Fortunately it is treatable but apparently brought on by stress. I can say the whole situation at the start brought me a great deal of stress and once again I’m ending the the relationship with stress. This time I’m
More cautious because of what took place. My point I was making is the stress of everything that we endure puts extreme pressure on our bodies and causes many of the symptoms we feel and experience. It wouldn’t hurt to get a quick visit into the doctor and explain your situation. Just know you aren’t alone, as well as mental anguish they cause us we get physical stress as well, while they continue on lying and manipulating everyone else. We know better now than to let this get the best of us, so take care of yourself because it is not worth it to worry over them; do they worry about us?
Janedoe
My spath has told me that he’s had panic attacks when he doesn’t hear from me, he said he worries about me… oh for f*** sake! After 14 years of being treated like he hated me but told that he loved me?… please!!! His actions now are showing an obsession but he’s done this before with his 1st wife. I’m convinced that he’d have moved on if it wasn’t for our joint assets and he’s been stood down from his job (pending an investigation). He is in idle mind stage and I’m the focus of those thoughts – shame I had to leave to become a priority!
I’ve been told that if I don’t reconcile the problem I’ve got with my self worth then I’ll just keep attracting the same lessons…I’m starting to see a pattern even having only been gone for 15 weeks. My sister and her husband, who have kindly allowed me to live in their unit under their house, are now putting unrealistic expectations on me. I’m starting to feel like everyone thinks I’m super human and can be their slave or kicking board – grr!
The only place my heart rate is normal is on here!
undertheradar…
its been about 3 months or so for me as well…i think you and i are in the same spot
although with meds my heart rate is normal again…its my mind thats crazy from all this!! only normal when i read here and i feel a sense of relief!
i am not getting notifications at all, at all from love fraud, so i am missing a lot of things it seems…how do we fix that?
TDS79
That is a question I ask myself each day when I find I’m getting a bit further ahead “how did I ever concentrate on life with his crap preoccupying my head space?” I think that and convince myself I’m doing ok. Then I still have those off days where I want to hear from him, I look for emails or texts wishing I’d receive something, a hello or ask how I am…I have left him alone for over two months and still cannot comprehend why he isn’t curious as to how I am or if he has just stopped loving me after all he said Til the moment he left me. That part I can’t completely get over yet…good days are there for me but not enough of them to say I’m cured. If he lied during our whole time together you would think he’d still be contacting me with lies..how does it just stop for them? Wasn’t the relationship a part of their daily lives and thoughts the way we perceived it?
I hope things ate getting better for you TDS 79 xo
janedoe,
My ex discarded me a few times during our relationship and would always come back begging. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. As messed up as it sounds, I worried in the beginning of his last discard that he would never contact me again. Little did I know he would become a stalker nightmare! The fact is, even through your discard and my stalker situation, neither of our exes care or ever did. It’s all about them. They torment us in their own ways and create discomfort and a seemingly endless emotional devastation in our lives. You don’t want him to continue contacting with his lies, even if you may think you do. You crave that connection you had with him because of his abuse. You are blessed without him in your life. Keep sight of how far you’ve come and how much more control you have of your life with you just living it!
TDS79
yes you have the opposite of me…i don’t think i would want the stalking part of things…jeez can you even turning a corner without him lurking??? that can be pretty scary i imagine?
i know you’ve mentioned he fb stalks and anonymous phone calls to you and your parents, has he threatened harm in any way??
If your spath moved on like you mentioned below….uh, yeh i would think he is somewhere planning an evil move…you need to speak to authority about this, this is serious!
janedoe,
After his last discard in May he actively pursued me to get me back. He would send up to 30-40 messages a day sometimes and even bragged that so many messages proved his love. For a month I considered getting back together with him. When it was almost time for us to meet my gut started screaming at me! That’s when I started my research and dug up a lot about him. I went NC shortly after.
I haven’t heard personally from him since August. And the last time threats were made were in July. Now it’s just harassment. And harassment that’s hard to prove. All personal messages regarding him have come from strangers and mutual friends since August. Now that I cut off my world it’s my friends and family that have to deal with it. My mom and best friend each got a request on fb in the middle of the night last night. At his point it’s too coincidental to not be him. Sadly I’m not sure the police would view it the same.
I’m meeting with a couple of friends who work in the court system tomorrow. We are going to examine my documentation and see what I have that’s concrete and at least make up a plan for further documentation that would hold legally if we can’t prove it’s him.
Thank you for your support. How’re you doing with everything this week?
Janedoe
Catch 22!!! I’d be thinking the same thing if my spath had just moved on…
NWHSOM
Yes I too had the same thoughts about myself being inadequate when he showed not as much interest as he claimed in sex.
He would tell me “it’s not you” when he either couldn’t get an erection or perform completely because it made me feel awful!! I attribute it to a cpl things:
He was either online doing his thing with the many alias’s he was under OR
His age was creeping up on him..he used to tell me he was a “male slut” before we actually met so I expected this non stoppable sex for the two weeks he first visited only to find out his “talk and walk” didn’t match up..he must portray himself that way to many women to see how many he can turn on but in actuality can’t do the actual performance as much as he claims…although apparently he can still manage enough to conceive a child because after a week he got his new bride pregnant immediately. When I found that
Out I almost asked him “it’s not your child is it?” But I thought twice because I’m not that insulting.
And I hope you told your ex about the STDs he so innocently passed onto you? What has he done about it for
Himself?
Janedoe and not
When I went back on a promise of things will change, my spath was, all of a sudden, full of the intimacy and sexual desire that had been missing for most of our marriage. This just reinforced my suspicion, I haven’t changed, I hadn’t lost weight nor had my personality changed so I knew (deep down inside) that it was an act – it didn’t take long before everything went back to normal and I was made to feel undesirable while behind the scenes he was addicted to tranny porn!
EVERYBODY!! This is a Cry for HELP!!
First, I apologize for not writing for some time.
Second, I was worried when my ex’s “friend” was murdered earlier this year but when the police never called me, figured all was clear on his end. Turns out not necessarily. Do I have to tell you what my intuition has been saying ALL ALONG?
OMG I am HORRIFIED to have my concerns validated at least by family members who named him at outset. ON THE OTHER HAND, these people have their own “fish to fry” and may be using him to conceal their own activities. ??? No big surprise, ex was very attached to “friend” but she did not reciprocate his Feelings.
EITHER WAY he should not have associated with them!! and whatever was going on has gotten sloshed over the kids and me (after many previous losses we’ve already swallowed) and it seems as though a horrendous FLOOD may be ahead.
My request is: Please Pray (or think good thoughts) for us!! and read the following statement to yourself at least once: Look how bad it can get, if I don’t get rid of this person NOW.
NoContact – thinking of you
Thanks, Donna. Your services are invaluable to the public, in fact I feel they are desperately needed. All my friends agree: we got a “health” class, we learned math, why didn’t anybody talk to us about social predators?! it’s a subject that has been Taboo for far too long, possibly because victims have been too embarrassed to relate that they fell for somebody who turned out to be somebody else. That seems to reflect a certain poor judgment on the part of the victim, which is greatly emphasized when the “re-run of the film” takes place. OMG, how did I let him get away with that?! is a horrifying thought, and not one we’re proud as a society to admit that we’ve had.
God Bless You, Donna. I’m an old astrologer who has read, and very much enjoyed, your book. 🙂
NoContact
wow…i hope all is ok??? prayers sent your way 🙂
Dear JaneDoe and All, THANK YOU for your thoughts and messsages! I AM okay, feel MUCH BETTER after addressing my concerns with law enforcement who have been grossed-out by what I’ve told them — and have now learned a REALLY IMPORTANT LESSON that I am ready to share with you all.
These people are committing a CRIME for doing this to us.
If I really just get a cup of coffee and sit down to read these stories, I am reading about CRIMES and not personal relationships. At 62, I may very well start campaigning at the legislative level on this issue since to me, you other posters are VICTIMS and not spouses, girlfriends or associates of what are essentially CRIMINALS.
Please hang in there, everyone! Yes, I AM okay because I don’t just write on this blog, I write to the Governor, the FBI and my Congressional representatives whether it is campaign season or not, and they HAVE responded to me and gotten onto this — at least to the point of impressing HIM that I am NOT SAFE TO PREDATE. Actually I never have been, Donna never was, and NEITHER ARE ANY OF YOU.
This is my LOVE!!! — please feel it, and know that it is sincere although you have never met me and probably never will: I will not leave you in this spot even after I am long free from it. Wish I could sign my own name.
Edited to add: my intuition was right on, folks. He’d never stopped seeing the OW and she did not feel the same about him as he did about her. I’d have been better off if he’d have simply left me for somebody else but his choice rejected him, leaving me with all his spite and bitterness and the OW still out there ALL THESE YEARS while he’s continued to lie to me. At least the cops told me the TRUTH, right? tho it’s been HARD TO SWALLOW, gulp.
No Contact-
I’m responding to what seems a later post of yours but I’m not able to reply to that one, so I’ve gone backwards. Hope I don’t confuse anyone. Just to reiterate, you mentioned that the behaviors we deal with are criminal.
Your are dead on! And many of the victims here have experienced the crime of rape by fraud, also known as sexual assault by fraud, and a few other names.
Anyone who would like to know if you have cause to prosecute the offender can reach me through this blog or at http://www.RapeByFraud.com. You will find a description of the laws in several states, and more are coming each week.
I’m happy to confer with anyone who would like to pursue a case against an offender, or help to grow the list of states that actually prosecute for this crime.
A new statute is being introduced in NJ on this specific crime. It is likely to be submitted to the legislature on 11/13.
Joyce
Well Joyce, considering mine is a decades-long marriage, I guess you could say it was “the rape that seemed unending.” But actually he was a different person for the half that time, beginning as a very sweet person and later falling into … well, nevermind. 🙂
NoContact,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there. I’m sending positive thoughts your way. xxx
TD579 – xoxoxoxox to you, dear, and thanks.
Nocontact
That’s horrible! OMG! Don’t we have enough to deal with already?
I’m praying for you honey xxx
undertheradar, in some ways the crime was a blessing: it was a smack-on wake-up call that I couldn’t ignore the way I had the abuse done to me. I don’t care what a low-life his GF was (apparently she was), nobody deserves to die. Also, the cops told me that my intuition was right on: he’d NEVER stopped seeing her, all these years he’s been trying to get back together with me. YES, life is hard enough without this you-know-what in it 🙂 thanks for your message, hang in there and I will talk to the Lord about your issues too. xox
Nocontact
I’ve heard people defend my ex for crossing the line because the 14 yr old has quite a reputation for selling herself as a slut, even this horrifies me! It doesn’t matter what part she played in it! She’s a 14 year old girl that has been taught how to act this way by parents that allowed it and he was a policeman, in his uniform and on duty? WTF! He’s supposed to protect and guide our kids not take advantage of them!!! And where the hell are the cops now? They should have investigated her mother for allowing her to become that way, Child Protective Services should have been involved but NO! My path has managed to illicit sympathy for being set up by her? “One of my friends said; but I’ve seen her photos on FB and she’s a little slut so I’m sure she instigated it” OMG! doesn’t she realise that by defending him she’s judging my decision to leave and giving him permission to take advantage of children?…
My mind boggles!!! I just want to hug the poor girl and get her back on her true path and seriously don’t understand why everyone else isn’t thinking the same way?
End rant! Sorry but very passionate about this issue 🙁
No Contact
I’m with you. The exploitation of CHILDREN is NEVER okay. And anyone who excuses it is a PEDOPHILE.
How people react to the behavior of others is an indication of their personal morality, or lack thereof. Someone who dismisses the statutory rape of a 14 year old child, particularly by someone who is sworn to “protect,” has a significant morality deficit!
Recently in Montana, a judge was censured for giving a sentence of 30 days to a statutory rapist. His victim, a 14 year old girl, had committed suicide. The judge posthumously, blamed the victim.
Society needs to know that “knowing consent” must be present when two people engage in intercourse. A child is incapable of consent by virtue of their age. A mentally incapacitated person is incapable as a result of their disability.
All other rapes clearly violate “knowing consent,” whether by violence, coercion, doping, intoxicating or defrauding the victim.
Many of us here on this site were defrauded of sex, and defrauded of our highest emotion, which is love. The former is a physical act of assault known as rape by fraud. The latter is emotional rape.
Rape by fraud, due to its specific, and physical impact on the victim, should be punishable throughout every state in the US, and beyond.
Joyce
On a lighter note — I just loved this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg_4O6XmKAQ
…not by way of political commentary but rather, a sweet way of getting an ugly point across.
No contact
Is there any special instructions you have to follow to be safe? Not only are they unsafe for our well being no it has come to your personal safety!! Schmucks!!!
I assume he is not around? I remember you talking about this a few months back and you were speculating at that point…
Aw Jane, never have I felt more violated and vulnerable.
To this day, my sister does not believe he is anything more than “psychologically dangerous” which is her passive-aggressive way of calling me insane.
Thank you for being there tonight, your message saved me! 🙂