UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
TDS79
How awful what you’re going through..and scary..it most definitely sounds as though it can be him or someone connected, who else do you know that would contact your mom and friend?? I’m sure nobody…
You say he has threatened you and now just harasses? Could it be to throw you off track? Maybe something he has planned but stopped with the threats so he doesn’t get blamed in the end? I’m sure you’ve though of all of this before but I hope I’m not scaring you?! I hope it works out with your consultation tmw. Keep us posted 🙂
Don’t let him fool you again an remember your gut feeling…stay away from him…!!
Nocontact
I enjoyed it, something so serious can be quite humorous, sometimes…
I know this is an old thread but I just wonder still about Melanie Tonia Evans and her quantum method of psychically healing without involving logic. Logic says to move on for oh so many reasons. Emotions override and when I try to, really try, keep me from doing so. On the surface I have, but underneath…no. At least not as much as I need to.
I’ve met some nice men, there’s an old bf who would REALLY like to be a daddy to my girls even, besides cherish me…yet my heart will not stay put in MY chest. I was a DECADE getting over the loss of my late husband. I feel like I’m going to be a decade getting over this mess too. I’m trying to resign myself to this but it’s hard at age 50 (almost) to think about losing ten years AGAIN.
Which makes me furious when I think about it so that LOGICALLY I just want to rip his balls off. Emotionally tho…PTSD. And I can’t get rid of him , in the back of my mind. Esp at the holiday time now. Not longing for him, but why do I need to think of him AT ALL? So wrong.
Oh Aint!! Don’t beat yourself up, sweetheart!!
You are just wanting a cigarette, that’s all, your brain is wanting that chemical. What do other people do about this? Identify the addiction for what it is, don’t me mad at yourself for it or attempt some complex solution. After a number of years at this, I have hit upon a magical trick and it’s the same one we used at 13 and 23 and every time the guy didn’t call us back.
CHOCOLATE.
LOL!! I love you DEARLY!! thank you for so MANY words of support, you are SO IMPORTANT to me personally, Ain’t!! PLEASE KNOW that you deserve to feel better and whether it’s a strawberry soda, a clean bathroom, a package of legal pot from USPS someplace, or WHATEVER YOU WANT!!…..go GET IT.
And then that Nicotine craving will fade, that is ALL IT IS, you are not going nuts instead. Just craving the chemicals he gives you and Guess What??!!! There is a REASON they sell more than one brand. SOME of them taste really good. And someday soon they won’t even kill ya, meanwhile let me reiterate the benefits of Godly
CHOCOLATE.
Love, N/C
What a lovely reply, thank you. You had me laughing literally so that my kids asked me what was so funny. FWIW I self medicate already and chocolate happens to be my drug of choice LOL
Ain’t, I have already heard from your dentist about my post and NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID.
I MEANT to say: Chew more sugarless gum.
This is being submitted in accordance with the terms of a Stipulation to which I must obey. Please excuse my suggestions and emphatic encouragements to take the short path….with
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!
LOL and Love from N/C
LOL
Hi Annette! Love you, N/C
N/C,
love ya, too!!
dark chocolate = not so much sugar. I eat the 88% stuff.
NoContact, actually, more chocolate = more business for the dentist! LOL
Hi Hanalei!!! Love from NC (I have implants, ha ha)
EXACTLY what I was thinking. My dentist used to give us gum and candy after our teeth cleanings. SMART MAN.
Aint
I have the exact same issue. Often find myself thinking , not of him, but the pain and suffering my ex caused me and to my son. I find that as soon as I get a thought about him in my head I focus on how good God and how grateful I am and always be for having a better life now. I focus on my blessings. I totally understand how you feel.
My ex found new says to write stupid notes to me. Since I changed my email and phone no , he wraps my monthly alimony check in a sheet of paper. In his writing he attacks me for being happy that his only son dies not talk to me, accuses me of getting paid alimony for doing “nothing and so on. He is all over the place and ends the letter with “I hope you had a good thanksgiving”. Of course I don’t respond to any of this jabber and started to file the notes awa without reading them. Following my attorneys advice. If the ex has something important to say he can tell my lawyer. Otherwise he does not exist anymore. I found after almost 2 years of no contact, the thoughts of him are getting less. Even through the holidays. I have such peace I never knew existed.
Starting a new relationship is a very scary thought to me. Being almost 50 I take advantage of doing things that I enjoy, focusing on myself. Even a sunsetover the ocean is sufficient. I have my family, my great job , awesome bosses and my faith and my health. I always compare that to what my ex has. Absolutely nothing besides his freedom and his whores. So I still fe like the biggest winner of all. Wishing you and everyone here peace and happiness this Christmas. 🙂
And remember , sometimes everything seems so much worse than it is. Give your control to God and you will be in good hands Of course a powerful attorney is sometimes needed in addition. 🙂
Kaya, always good to read your kind, wise words. Love from N/C
Can he be made to send the alimony to the court or to an attorney, or at least direct deposit it without mailing a check to you? I also receive alimony from my ex psychopath, and he sends them directly to the bank for deposit into my account.
Your anger is normal and he deserves to have his balls ripped off. Of course you don’t want to be burdened with anger that brings you down. Consider allowing yourself to feel the anger and then let it go when it’s run its course for the time being. Try not to beat yourself up over not getting over the PTSD as fast as you’d like to, because that just adds another layer of frustration.
The way you feel is natural, the PTSD is a natural response. Everything the spaths do is designed to leave us feeling the way we do and focusing on them, long after they’re gone.
I looked into Melanie Tonia Evans and decided it wasn’t for me. This relaxation and hypnotic reprogramming tape helped me a lot http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships
I also found some relief from EFT and EMDR that I learned from videos on youtube.
Consider that while you’re going through this process, you can live fully, not having to ‘lose’ years. I know what you mean about losing another decade, but I try to redirect my thoughts when I start feeling that way.
A very simple but powerful tool that has helped me is a gratitude list. Thinking of the good things I have, the blessings in my life, and listing them methodically really helps me feel better. The spaths want us to be miserable and suffer forever because of them; I am determined not to let him ‘win’ in that way.
BTW I’m 55, remarried a psychopath 10 years after I was widowed from my first wonderful husband. It’s been a few years away from the spath, but he’s still too much in my mind. I have to work at it a lot.
Yeah, Im just tired of working at it. With the spath, I dont think of him; he calls I dont answer. I dont even listen to the vmail as I dont give a rip what he has to say lol
For about 6 mos now he has not called tho — now while i guess im happy about that, rly im just neutral. Cuz i just dont care. That’s where I want to be with the narc.
I dont want him to cross my mind.
I try rly hard to think about the bad things when I find myself focusing on him.
Ive tried EFT and it doesnt work for me.
Gratitude doesnt work either. That sounds like im a materialistic, ungrateful bitch but its the way it is.
This early a.m. while I was being continually woken up by a guy who lives here that needs to be on meds (I am very serious), I felt relaxed each time I woke up; i wasnt instantly awake and alert and tense. I was like a normal person, sleepily being interrupted in her sleep. I LOVED that relaxed feeling! THATS what i want lol Oh dear Lord, just give me peace for Christmas 🙂
Trying to do a gratitude exercise just blares to me how little there is in my life and how much there isnt. It UPSETS me. Im still pretty upset about having to cut ties with an old friend who I should have dropped long long ago.
SIGH i will make it thru this season. I just dont like it.
Hi Aint-
I can surely relate to the difficulty getting him out of your mind. Never tried EFT. Interested to hear that it didn’t work for you.
I know I feel noticeably stronger when I’ve had significant physical, endorfin-raising exercise. And I’m wondering if there are ways you can distract yourself over a reasonably lengthy period in the company of others. Engaging in activities with others prevents the brain from wandering back to the bad thoughts we’d be dwelling on if we were alone.
I know it’s not easy and wish you the best!
Joyce
Aint, I have started to use gratitude this year to distract me when I start thinking about what I lost (not HIM but the relationship I THOUGHT I had) as Joyce suggested and it takes a lot of repetition but it does help.
This year was to be my year of rebirth but it’s been more like a year of holding pattern. I’ve been frustrated a lot that I’m not farther along in my quest to rebuild my life, and I’ve been angry a lot. Angrier than at any point so far.
It’s also been useful to me to consciously think of how far I’ve come – because no matter how crappy I feel, I know what I’ve weathered is amazing and I am proud of myself.
Sending you a big hug!
You know, I HAVE come a long way. In many ways I haven’t, but in some ways I have, damn’t lol
My dyslexic daughter is now actually reading. She is an amazing kid with what all she has to fight thru to be able to do something so many take for granted. Things like focusing her eyes to track together, etc. Hearing correctly. She still looks at a C and says “t”-way too often. She KNOWS very well, what both letters say. But her brain doesnt work right. She overcomes things almost EVERY word that would slay us. We would never push thru what she has to daily. She is a miracle. I had not alot to do with it, granted. But I feel I kept supporting her with attack methods and doing the exercises and requiring her effort, as a parent and teacher. It HAS made a difference. It has taken alot off my mind. Shes not that good yet, but shes functionally literate now. Her grandmother is illiterate and her father has ALOT of her issues and wont read. What’s funny is that her 7yo sister (same father) reads like my other kids—shes reading chapter books.
Anyway, there’s that. Heck, I guess just not losing my mind is an accomplishment, yes?
Aint, reread your last comment and see the gratitude in there! You have come a long way! Your daughter is reading! You haven’t lost your mind! You have a sense of humor!
All these are things to be grateful for. That is a really good start. Seriously!
Hi Aint-
So sorry you’re struggling with this sense of attachment. It’s a stage of grief. It’s part of letting go.
On the one hand, you consciously recognize who he is, but emotionally, you’re still connected to who you thought he was. Rumination is a form of non-productive self-bargaining that many of us get stuck in.
When we lose a loved one from illness or death, our brain knows they are absolutely gone. Wish as we might, there is no possibility of getting them back. It’s finite.
When we lose a loved one through a break up, they continue to live on. It’s the loss of the relationship we must focus on, not the loss of the person. We can only do so by recognizing that the person is simply not who we thought they were. Even though they still exist, they are not the loved one we cared for. That person we loved is gone, just as surely as if he’d gotten hit by a truck.
No one ever forgets the relationships we forged bonds with. We simply get accustomed to not having them in our lives any longer. Forcing yourself out the door to make a new life and new memories is necessary.
The holidays are particularly difficult because folks around you seem paired and happy. You’ll need to retrain your brain to think a bit differently about your present circumstance. Instead of allowing yourself carte blanche to think about him, appoint yourself as the overlord of your brain and remind yourself, each time he pops into your memory, what a cad he is. Only give him 30 seconds of your time. After you’ve mastered shutting him out after 30 seconds, reduce it to 20 seconds, 10 seconds, and zip.
Focus on the people who matter in your life, including you. He doesn’t deserve a single second of your time any longer. You need other fulfillments in your life to eliminate slipping back into thoughts of him.
Think about your blessings. Are you well? Have a home? Have friends? A job? Family? Find something you appreciate and have it at the ready so you can quickly conjure up how much you appreciate it when his 30 seconds of interrupting you is through. You need to retrain your brain to eliminate him from interfering.
Wishing you the best of health and happiness during this holiday season. And hoping that new, wonderful memories start today.
Joyce
Love you, Joyce!! xox N/C
Love you too NC…. from a self-avowed chocoholic!
J
The loss of the relationship is exactly what my loss is i think. The person is not a nice person. No way. but he knows me well, I know him well, there is a history there. Its comfortable. Its not starting all over. That relationship is there.
I just want to not have to do that again. I just want to be comfortable. So I have to find a way to be comfortable. Its not by being with him, for sure. That is quite UNcomfortable as walking on eggshells is not known to be a comforting experience lol
So I will work on finding what makes me comfortable — and relaxed as I said in a post above.
And try not to lose it in the process of discovering and then implementing my needs lol
Hi ain’t! I hope this finds you well. Your comment struck a chord. You have to just feel comfortable with yourself first. Then feel comfortable extending yourself to trusted friends or people you would like to befriend and get to know better. When I stopped looking for or thinking about a relationship, I relaxed and suddenly felt much more comfortable. When men started pursuing, I just told them I’m not really interested in a relationship but more interested in developing a friendship. This is because I’ve noticed SO MANY PEOPLE are looking for instant relationship and instant intimacy. This has NEVER worked out for me. I just prefer to hang back and have friends. Ironically, I have become much more magnetic to men from all of my social circles. I just enjoy the attention but pull back my energy from the counterpursuit. Recently, I had a guy come with a crew to put in hardwood floors in my new condo. Though he is a real rough and ready type, and we don’t have much in common, I actually felt a warm connection with him. We had to negotiate over the price of the floors halfway through the project, and we communicated through a difficulty very maturely. By the time he’d left, I felt we’d had a nice connection of friendship. On his way out, he asked me if he could take me to dinner some time. I thought is was so sweet. Have not heard from him, but I’m totally fine if I don’t. And if I do, I will hang back and see if a friendship can develop. This is ALL I want right now. I’m trying to counter the force of instant relationship that this culture seems to be about. Meantime, I still go out salsa dancing and to salsa classes, and several guys flirt with me in there in a very respectful way. It’s so good for me to have a hobby like this!
I have a girlfriend who is 59. She was in a bad marriage for 25 years. When she finally got out, lonely, she fell into the arms of a 64-y.o. salsa dancer. They seemed like the most mature couple. That is, until he coerced her into moving in with him, and then dumped her for another female salsa dancer and waved the new gf right in front of her face. He is a narcissist. But she didn’t take the time to get to know him, so she had to learn the hard way. In retrospect, she felt like time was running out for her and she didn’t want to be alone. This made her vulnerable to a predator. I’m trying to learn from her (and my past) mistakes. I just take life very slowly. I make MYSELF and my activities and goals the focus – not some guy. If a guy happens to come into my periphery, great. But I don’t put a lot of energy into it. There are 3 or 4 guys in my periphery right now. I look forward to seeing them and enjoy being around them. But when I go home, I’m focused on other stuff.
It’s really a great feeling to be so centered right now. I do hope to meet someone really great, but I feel by hanging back, I am becoming more magnetic to men. I wish I knew of this trick sooner.
Anyway, it sounds like you are still grieving your ex if you are still thinking about him. I don’t know how to speed this process up except to notice if you are stuck, try to get some help to get unstuck so you can move through whatever you need to go through. You need to have some closure so you can move on.
Hugs!
I have to correct my comment. My son lives with me and my ex is very upset that his 20 year old son does not want any cobtact with his father. It’s always pointed out in his notes that I am to blame for this, that I brainwash my son. The ex has forgotten all the evil things he did to me. It’s baffling to me that he still thinks that he is not to blame for the destruction of the marriage. After he had many affairs and when caught in the last one with his coworker abondened his family.
I stopped trying to make any sense, you just can’t. My ex can live his evil life. My son and I wont play his games anylonger. He can play those games with his minions.
Isigh) Kaya and again this year I am defending myself against children’s accusations that I am “trying to separate them from their father” and “throw him under the bus.”
Please, let’s trade? I don’t know if I can take another year of this especially with my sister chiming in that he is Totally Innocent except of being stupid enough to marry me in the first place.
XOX and Love from N/C
I’m facing the effects of my ex spath’s smear campaign and false accusations all over the place. Particularly infuriating is that he accuses me of either what he is doing or something that is the exact opposite of what I am. He doesn’t accuse me of the faults I really have, but of faults I don’t have. Further infuriating is that some significant people in my culture have been deceived by him. Very unjust, but they are not really to blame. I was once deceived by the ex spath, just as they are now.
I have one of those sisters too! Guess it goes along with being a chocolate lover!
Joyce
He probably hasn’t forgotten; he knows the truth. It’s just the endless games spaths play with words and other people’s minds and lives, all about power and control for themselves.
Annette
Yes, my attorney will keep this an option available. We were hoping that he gets tired of writing notes but even after 8 months he still plays or tries to play games with my mind. Only that I will not be a participant anymore. 20 plus years was way too long. I now find myself strong enough not to even read the notes anymore. I don’t care if he is happy or miserable , where he lives or who his new victim is. You are right it’s a control thing and he lost control. Something he thought he would have for ever. He totally under estimated me. I remember done words “you will never file for divorce, you don’t have the guts to do it or the money”. Ha. He was so wrong. To this day I often wonder where I got the strength and power from to finally end it. I know he discarded me but I stood up for myself. I find that I have a total different outlook on life. Material things have no value. What matters is my sanity and my son and my pets. Because their love is unconditional and never ending. Family is forever. What he wanted was someone to admire him, to worship
Him and he “loved ” those facts. Deep down he is a pathetic person but I have no pity for him. He can cry to his coworker now. Maybe she saw him without his mask. I am glad that she showed him some admiration. Without her I would still be crying every day. She was my escape. 🙂
Hey, Chocolate Lovers and Fighters/Survivors!
I’ve been following on this site and have been happy to get notifications for your recent posts on this older link. I needed this today. Thank you all for being here and posting! You help me so much. Thank you.
Hi TDS79, it is good to hear from you — and we need you right back so thank you.
Hi all
Hoping everyone is doing well and all the best for the upcoming year 🙂
It’s been a while and all has been pretty quiet until the other day..a quick update…the narc and I had been together 3 years and the last year he’d been involved with a girl thirty years younger. Between her and myself he would lie to both. She knew nothing of me and he’d tell me horrible things about her one day and the next he would be uncertain. He lied continually to me through the three years, cheated and was sneaky as hell. The past year with this much younger girl he and she planned to marry..up until one month before the wedding he had been telling me different..I was the love of his life, we had gone away together, things were great. He left to marry her to her country, a very impulsive decision. He is 60, lives with her family, is semi working and no real future.
He contacted me the other day after four days of NC on my part to wish me merry Xmas. He then peoceeded to tell me I was 100% right, he married her and it was a big mistake. He didn’t love her, she was like a child although she was a nice girl, he had done the wrong thing. He went on to say he and I are soulmates, he would eventually like to see me and he would do everything possible to do so….
Next day I get a message from him apologizing for making promises to me, what he had done to me last summer was horrible and he can’t make promises to me in case he can’t fulfill them, doesn’t want me hurt again like last time…
I am in a state of confusion…how does someone claim their love for me, admit he has done wrong by lying and marrying this girl, tell me he is going to commit himself to fixing “us” and then turn around the next day an take it all back?? This has set me back a bit and I thank god for all I’ve read on sociopaths and narcs to prepare me for this. But does anyone think this a a classic case of a narc/sociopath or is he undecided on his future with his wife and really wants to make things work or he doesn’t?? Why did he retract everything?? Ugh I’m really confused!!
Hi Jane, happy holidays!
Do Not Be Confused!!!!!
Inevitably, he blew it with the last chick and now wants to come back to you. Again.
But THIS time you are gonna resist. It’s 2015 and you just got your Present. He is back and you are gonna resist him, Congrats!
Hi janedoe! I agree with NoContact. He’s just having a momentary lull and needs you to fill in. Resist!
Keep the momentum going on the quiet you’ve been having and onward into 2015!
i did mean 4 months of no contact..not 4 days…oops
Dearheart, let me translate his word salad for you.
The first email:
I had a fight with my wife.
The second email:
We made up.
SIMPLE. Don’t read into it. There’s nothing there.
Stay away from him and his poison; he is a slimy snake in the grass.
And you are not a woman who wants ANYTHING to do with a man (and I use that term loosely here) who is, at the very least, emotionally cheating on his wife!
Aint! You NAILED it!
In 7 years with my ex, it wasn’t until a year or two after the final discard that I realized all those mini discards amounted to “I’ve got someone else I want to be with tonight/this week/take on the trip you and I had planned together”. When he let me back into his life, it was always with words of love, realizing it was me he wanted. That the time apart made him realize that he couldn’t imagine a future without me. Uh huh.
I’m SO glad he found someone who was willing to marry him quickly to keep him occupied.
Hi noc
ok wow…my computer is playing tricks
i meant to say
hi no contact and hanalei moon! happy holidays to you both and i hope all is well 🙂
thanks for the responses so quick…i have been stewing about this for three days now…
you both really think this is classic N or S?
i was confused because first email to me on xmas was happy to speak to me, wanting this and that for both of us, he regrets having made a quick and stupid decision marrying this young girl without meeting her more than one time and now claims he was pressured into the marriage…funyy how he never answered my questions before but is now offering All this info to me..he did go on to say she is a good girl, but childlike, but means no harm to her…he did say he sometimes fantasizes about her disappearing so he and i could be together…he wasn’t really putting her down the way he used to (reassuring me he wasn’t marrying her because she was this and that, but it was all lies obviously, cause he did marry her)
I’m just wondering if he now sees the mistake he’s made…seeking me out or is he feeling something between him and i again?? he went on to tell me he is giving me 100% of his time now to make it work…etc
i responded of course telling him how he hurt me badly and because i am a normal person, i do still care for him, that doesn’t stop just like that…i never went on to agree to any of his proposals of being together when possible…although i did say perhaps one day in the future but i needed answers from him and honesty about questions i have and do not want a repeat performance of being hurt ever again. he promised all the things i mentioned and even a full commitment to communication if i agreed…
why then did the next day he apologize for what he promised me and said he was sorry but he realizes he can’t commit to what he said now and maybe one day something can take place but now he is in fear of hurting me badly like last time…i responded back and said why don’t we start by communicating and i don’t expect him to leave his wife and never would…NO RESPONSE BACK from him…
would a sociopath be this apologetic and have sympathy like this? is this classic behaviour? why would he just ignore what i said back to him?
jane m’dear, I believe that he just wants to see if you will Nibble on the Hook and while I think you can consider your contacts thus far to be reasonable, I would let him try to reel you in and let him know YOU ARE OFF THAT HOOK.
Meanwhile I think you should truly celebrate the Satisfaction of knowing his wife was absolutely this much more Satisfying than you:
no contact
i thought exactly as you said above..he wants to see where i stand perhaps in case the occasion should arise he needs to “use” me again…what a mind f**k
he should at least have the decency to respond but we aren’t talking about normal here..
why the apology from him though?…they usually don’t care what hurt they cause i thought..
I’d figure he wanted to salt the hook with anything he thought may lure you back into the realm of Possibility and meanwhile doesn’t want to let go of the Potential of your being in his life.
Isn’t it great to just be able to discuss these topics in our community?
Mom was less gentle about it: “He used you for a meal ticket.”
Ouch. True, but Ouch. 🙂
JaneDoe
It totally creeps me out how your ex fantasizes about his wife “disappearing”. Um. That’s code for MURDER.
What a jerk to contact you on a highly emotional day. He tried to dangle the carrot of himself, hoping you would beg for him? He’s NOT giving his wife 100%, otherwise he would not be sending you such a message. It’s awful and I am angry that he would try to manipulate you into being his escape pod. What a slimeball. Then he did what is normal for him, he pulled back, didn’t he.
Just like in the podcast I listened to today, how they dangle the carrot of attachment, and then yank the carrot back. That’s what sociopaths do, and why being with them is inevitable HARM, because they respond inconsistently, always inconsistently trying to reel us in, then going silent, then coming around again, to reel us in. (consistently Inconsistent! HA!)
There is NO Shame in your wanting to bond and attach in an authentic manner. But HE is incapable of it, and thus the only thing he truly offers you is Inevitable HARM. Makes me wanna slap his face, if he could only feel it! HA! Mebbie I should buy a plastic doll and put my ex’ face on it, and slap it until I FINALLY feel like I got that feeling out of me??!!
Take care, Jane Doe. We all have traveled this path and I tell you, emotional health SURE feels grand.
Best,
NWHSOM
NWHSOM
yeh it does sound a little creepy and its not the first time he said this…he said it the day before he was leaving to her country to be married, how “sometimes he fantasizes she would be gone”
yes he contacted me on xmas day…but was nice enough to apologize having to ruin xmas for me…wasnt that nice of him? ugh
i never believed he was giving his wife 100%, even before they married…i could see right through him…he just wanted someone other than just me at the same time and like he does, he made promises to this poor girl, meant nothing by any of his promises, and she took him seriously and NOW HE IS STUCK!!! he often told me she isn’t as smart as i was and she would nt figure out if he and i were to get together…yep then he takes it back and apologizes…he dangled that carrot for me to bite, i wanted to, i almost agreed to what he was telling me…although i didn’t come out and say NO, i just said i would never break up a marriage like that…i have a feeling this will be the beginning of him contacting me when he gets the chance…its a weird feeling i am getting..when he starts slipping in comments about how he feels about his wife, it usually meant in the past that he somehow needed that negative stimulation in a weird way for his sexual needs..once his needs were fulfilled sexually, he would feel bad and somehow retract all the negative things he said about her…maybe some sort of women hatred issues with him…who knows!
janedoe, here’s my thinking. You said it was a time of quiet. Now that he’s contacted you, you’re confused, you’re wondering if he’s sincere in his apology (he’s not), thinking of what things meant in the past, etc. The result is the quiet is gone, and you’re thinking of him, trying to figure it all out.
He sucked you back in with a “simple” (sarcasm here) call.
I’m not judging one bit. Although I’ve been no contact for 3 plus years and have a masters degree now in realizing all that was done to me by my ex, I am aware that if I received a call from him, and listened to ANYTHING he said, I am pretty sure that I would be feeling and thinking and writing all that you are. That is why no contact is so, so important. They know exactly what to say to push your buttons and make you doubt yourself and put you at risk of starting all over again just to satisfy his temporary need for”whatever.
Even if he’s not a psychopath, he’s a bad person who hurt you and that enough for you to mistrust him and protect yourself. Even if he WAS sincere, he would need to free himself from the marriage and not be living with her family before anything could be believed, and that would take TIME. LOTS OF TIME.
It’s creepy as all get out that he wishes she would just disappear and after my school of hard knocks, I say that no normal person would ever say that. He’s a fully grown adult!
You have a feeling that it’s the beginning of him contacting you again and you need to cut that s**t off at the pass! I think you (and me and all of us) need to protect ourselves from any communication (I know kaya files her ex’s notes without even looking at them) because it’s just too dangerous. If nothing else, he’s already disturbed your hard earned (and well deserved) peace of mind.
It’s hard not to think about and analyze what they’re doing, why and what it means, but it’s just a habit. Don’t let it become a habit again!!
Thinking of you!
Hello to all my friends here
Sorry I have not posted in such a long time. Life is just so beautiful now, it’s amazing it has been almost 2 years since I was thrown away like the weekly garbage you put out on the curb. 19 months of no contact, about 6 month since my divorce was final. This Christmas season I gave a willow tree angel to every person who contributed to my happiness. (Wish I could give you all here one also). I picked the Angel of Courage for my lawyer. He is the one who gave me the courage to stand up for myself and to say “enough is enough”. It has been a roller coaster beginning of the year but the year is now ending in peace and harmony. I am on my own with my son but would not trade my new life for anything. The past 20 plus years was a struggle for me, and my marriage was one big fat lie. My ex was in love with himself and himself only. He loved the fact that I admired and worshipped him. Through my journey I forgot about me. I was a person who deserved to be loved and cherished. And he was not able to and in the end “traded” me in for a newer “model/supply”. I did not know that he was making me the greatest gift ever by abandoning his family. Now I can look back and actually thank him in my mind. I would rather work 60 hours a week at my job then spending an hour with him in my old life. No more lies, betrayals, deceits . No more playing detective on my part,no more appologies for being cheated on. No more thinking “am I too fat, am I too old, is my hair too short, am I sexy enough, smart enough, exciting enough ………
After 20 years I can be myself and I love the way I am. Even with a few pounds too heavy I am happy and content. Because that’s the way I am.
I still get notes how sad and lonely he is. He sends it to my son and in the next sentence blames me, demonizes the entire marriage and makes me the evil person. He can try all he wants. We all know the truth. And we do not communicate with evil anymore. He should pray to God for forgiveness and redemption.
Happy New Year to all of you. It was not an easy journey but it gave me strength, hope and made me stronger in my faith. And for that I am truly blessed. 🙂
So proud and happy for you, kaya!!! Happy New Year 2015!!
kaya
wonderful wonderful news and what a bright attitude you have!
congrats to you after all the hell this devil has put you and your son through 🙂
much happiness in 2015 <3
kaya48
I am so happy to see your post and know you remain strong in your victory. I confess, I used my husband’s affair to get free of him, and I rub it in his face a bit, how happy I am that he is finally with the one he can truly love (we all know they love NO ONE, heehee).
You are such an inspiration to me, someone who found her backbone and a terrific attorney and was not a doormat, which pushed me to not be such a doormat. I continue to heal in ways I NEVER dreamed possible when I was going through my divorce. Seems that when I severed my ex ability to stab me through the heart, I found some spine, too. And earlier today, I was thanking AnnettePK b/c she posted a link to a site where they had a RadioPodcast about attachment and I found ANOTHER wonderful piece of healing. I have ALWAYS felt there was something wrong with me. I never knew what it was. The Podcast told me what and WHY, and it has to do with sociopaths, NOT with me! So I finally get it, I couldn’t find the solution to my problem because I WAS NOT the problem, I was just mistake because a sociopath told me I was the problem and I believed her (my mom told me I was unlovable, my ex told me that anyone who got to know me would end up dumping me because I was unlovable.) I am no longer that DUMMY who believes the crap that a sociopath tells me. SO I recommend the site that Annette linked to. I think we all need to hear, IT AIN’T US. Wanting to feel safe and secure and have authentic attachments is NORMAL!!!! Just like the one YOU have with YOUR son!!!
Happy New Year coming up 2015. I know we will all heal more and more and BE more of the wonderful selves we are. Wonderful because WE are capable and DO LOVE (both as an emotion and as a VERB!!)
All my best to you,
NWHSOM