UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Thanks everyone.
No contact , you are so right. They usually never apologize as they see no wrong with them. My ex not once apologized for his behavior instead put all blame on me. Even to my son. I remember him saying “your mother is so insane, I had no other choice than leaving”. Not a sorry , nothing. Even when I caught him cheating.
Jane doe, I honestly think nothing good will come out of you responding to his emails. I have been there before and I can truly say that communicating with him gave him sarisfaction and more reason to attack me. If I was in your position I would completely end it. You cannot stay his friend because he inflicted change and hurt on you that you never asked for. He married anotheg person, I think that was the cruelest thing he could do. I know it’s easier for me to say this now. But I made a lot mistakes at the beginning which I wish I hadn’t made. Like emailing my ex. Once I talked to my lawyer (he was an expert on Soviopaths) he told me that I was feeding into him. Any email or response , negative or positive, shows him that he sti has control over you. And that’s what they feed of. Good luck my dear. I am praying for you.
thanks kaya…
your words ring true..
and thank god for this site and inspiration from everyone, it has just prepared me and has given me the tools of how to deal with such low life scum…
your lawyer is right any response to them shows control…i wish my S was verbally mean so it would be that much easier not to fall into his trap and he would starve from lack of control…but he has a way with words…a real smooth talker which makes an unknowing person fall prey…thank god for this site 🙂
Sorry Jane doe, I thought you had nc for 4 days. 4 months, that’s
Much better. Very proud of you. Doesn’t it get easier with every day, every month, now every year for me ?
Not
Thank you so much for being an inspiration to you. Like you I felt like dummie believing his never ending crap. And I also use my ex’s affair as my “exit gate”. Yes, he discarded me and left but ultimately I regained my “victory” in court with my attorney. It gave me “great pleasure ” not to even look at him, not to tremble and fall, instead remaining calm and strong. Without that attorney I would have not succeeded. This os one thing I learned that in order to fight them you need all the help you can get. Through lawyers , friends and family, counselors or even websites like this one here.
I just finished reading “runaway husbands” by Vikki Stark. Another great written book what affirmed me that there is nothing wrong with us. We can never be “enough” for them because they will never be an “enough”. My ex used to take all my positive energy and sucked the life out of me. Hd brought out the worst in me and looking back it was not a good life at all. Maybe I was a “princess ” with all my possessions , my nice house , not having to work. But the price I paid for it outweighed everything.
I am grateful my son still sees the truth in his father. He is now 20 years old and he saw and know what was going on. Just today he said “don’t worry mom, I will never treat my family they way he did”. Sometimes I get scared because I am the only person he has in this world. But at the same time I know he will be ok because he is nothing like his father.
To this day I often think that the only reason I remained so strong , hopeful and positive is because I believed that no problem is too big for God. Through his mercy and grace I survived this trial.
I am do happy for you that you also are doing great and I hope that I can be a role model for some who are at the beginning of the painful journey. When I first found this website I was a complete mess, crying and begging him to come back. And now, I don’t care what he does. He can cry and beg and write stupid letters. My lawyer said “laugh about them, file them away and go on with your day”. Because now the tables have turned. I am in control now. And I have to admit that it is a great feeling. Especially after being at the receiving end of his abuse for 20 plus years. He can cry to his little minions now.
Jane doe
I don’t think he is stuck. He will discard her as soon as someone “better” or “fresher” comes around. I truly think they are never stuck. They just get up to the new victim.
It’s very sad that he still tries to get into your life. Just like my ex. Why can’t they just go on with their life. Afterall that’s thr choice they made without even asking if we agree. They are selfish cowards and deserve none of our time. I would change my email adress so he gets a “mailer daemon” next time he writes to you. Let him be with this new girl and don’t feel sorry for her. I sure don’t feel sorry for that little whore who entered my marriage. They get what they ask for in my opinion.
kaya
i so agree with you..the sooner someone better or fresher appears, he’s gone…or he may do what he does best…cheat on his wife. honestly if a complete stranger looks his way for any number of reasons, he wants her…he is good at cheating on a partner
after four months of not hearing from him, i swear i thought he’d lost my email or deleted me. i didn’t know for certain he would contact me again, although i didn’t think he’d ever be happy with his new wife, i guess i know him better than he knows himself.
no contact
i agree with the comment about luring me back in…wanting to know that i still am potential for him
he always did lack security..he was very insecure all the time…you can tell him to move across the world to abu dabi because theres a woman who likes him from there….and he would go…
i guess he lacks security so much that he wants to make sure I’m there in case his wife doesn’t work out…it is sort of sad to see a 60 year old man behave this way, oh well….
Jane, I totally get your point. When they’re younger, there is still hope they’ll snap out of it. My ex is close to 60 and getting worse every minute.
My ex just turned 59 – I think age makes them desperate to prove they’re still desirable and virile. He spent a lot of time inventing things wrong with me that he attributed to menopause”the other day I heard a commercial on the radio that most men over 50 have an enlarged prostate leading to all sorts of trouble and got a little chuckle.
Hi HanaleiMoon!~ I think mine was born desperate and has become more weird since then. 🙂
Hanalei
I can relate to this so much. My ex blamed my menopause or pms on his cheating. Can you believe that ? He wanted me to take anti depressants for pms. Once I told him I was taking them for 7 days every month for pms. In reality I didn’t. He actually said “wow you so much better on that medication “. That shied you right there how disturbed they are. I actually laughed secretly about it and thought “what an idiot “.
Of course there was nothing wrong with him. And to this day he demonizes me, the marriage and his life with me. He will take no responsibility in cheating and the affairs. I really don’t care but it is astonishing to see how they think.
I also found that once I accepted reality and knew this so called marriage was over, I was able to let go and start healing. I think I pretty much arrived at my goal. The only thing that I not interested in is a new relationship. But this can wait. I am ok by myself with my son and my pets and that’s all I need.
Ok kaya and everyone: IT IS TIME FOR MY TRUE CONFESSION.
I deserved everything that happened to me and the kids, because I “cut him off” from sex!!!!!
Now you know the Sad Truth. 🙁
Actually in my memory we had sex a whole lot? but I must have imagined that part! so never mind what I recall, obviously I am insane.
kaya, I believe it. My ex never blamed his cheating on anything since he never admitted to cheating, but he did blame all the drama in our lives on me. I was pushed to the antidepressants also and took them briefly (maybe a week or two) and then quit. I was pushed to try another kind, got them but never took them. He saw an improvement anyhow, and took “credit” for fixing at least one of my many shortcomings. Haha.
Funny how my life never had drama before him, or after him. He was constantly creating drama and blaming it on some transgression of mine. I just shake my head when I think of what I put up with. He was allowed to be completely human and utterly flawed, and I had to be impeccably perfect or else there was a price to pay.
Recently I was with friends when the wife kept loudly interrupting her husband and he just smiled and laughed. It made me really uncomfortable, and I realized that was conditioning from my ex – had I interrupted him in front of others, his face would get tight and I knew I’d hear about it later. When I think of how I altered myself and my life to avoid annoying him, I just shake my head. Just another technique to make me doubt myself, keep me confused and control me.
NoContact, according to my ex, both his prior wives “cut him off”. I wondered how they got away with this, and he stayed with them, when I got no slack at all. All manipulation and lies.
He made sex for me a chore that was increasingly impossible to please him with, and I never stopped trying. He escalated his discontent right up to the end (and at that point it had become mechanical servicing of him) and I see now his cold calculated manipulation to blame me and make me feel inadequate.
We had to have sex twice a day and Sunday mornings were the most nerve wracking, since I’d never know when he would be “ready” and if I didn’t read his mind and get it right, the day would be terrible. He intentionally made sex miserable for me and then criticized me for not being more enthusiastic. So many times I wanted to tell him you made me this way, what do you expect. I remember clear as day one Sunday morning when he told me I was ungrateful and that so many single women were home alone in their beds wishing they had a “c**k to suck”, they would gladly trade places with me. I thought to myself, after a few months with you, they’d want to be home alone too.
And yet, I went on to buy a house with him. WTF?
I figured it out, Hanalei.
We married rabbits.
I relate to that as a transit of the planet Neptune through its own ruled sign Pisces. Think Oceans and Fish, what are they doing down there? who the heck knows, maybe Megalodon is swimming by a camera or maybe that is what both Neptune and Pisces represent: AN ILLUSION.
We are living through a Phase of Time in which we see the transit being manifested in many ways:
Drug use
Alcoholism
Deceitful people
False selves
Wondering wtf is Real about this?
Inner confusion
Apathy
Depression
Demotivation
The positives are:
Spiritual connection
Empathetic insight
Christian thought process
Seeing through the crap into the Grand Mystery Beyond.
Hang in there, as any astrologer will definitely assure you that whatever it is, This Too Shall Pass! 🙂
Meanwhile, it’s best for us all to be on keenest sobriety just now, to the extent we can manage that in our personal lives. Time to take out the garbage and make sure the Visa bill is paid cuz none of us feel a whole lot like washing the dishes just now…or even getting out of bed, lol.
Wow. Sounds about right. 🙂
no contact
i actually meant that being 60 he should know better, not that he will snap out of it”at his age i wouldn’t want to have to teach him how to be normal, there is no normal as much as he tries to convince me”:)))
Gotcha Jane, however these people don’t grow up, they grow down, lol.
This comment gave me chills. My sociopath who I have an 18 month old daughter with called the police on myself and the girl who had exposed his cheating. He reported us for harassment even though I called him once in a month. We now have a no contact order in place pending a judges decision on custody of my daughter. This has been the calmest my life has been since this monster came in to my life. I am so glad I found this site and that I am not alone. Thank you.
best site ever, mommer, hang in there and call the police if you see or hear anything at all.
I have hired a great lawyer to represent me. He is self rep as he believes he is smarter than any lawyer or judge.
Mine did the same, and failed to appear at court or participate in any of the proceeding. That’s ok, your attorney will call it a default and just go on. Please let me give you HALF MY STRENGTH TODAY! and with apologies that it’s such a meager portion of what you need,, but HANG IN THERE since your poster name says it all about the Priorities and the essential Problems to all of this.
Ha! Mine sued me in Small Claims for “community property” that I purchased and owned (we were not married). Then he didn’t show up in court the last day because he got called onto a movie set! Ha! Ego wins out over even going to court! What a Narc/Spath idiot!
No contact
My ex was the same. He was 45 and you would hope a “man ” this age would know better. He visited me once in the hospital wearing all his sons clothing. The son was 17 then. I asked him about it. He said “oh it makes me feel younger”. He just did not get it. Everyone gets older, there just a part of life. Soon after he started with testosterone injections because he did not feel like 20 anymore. I think it is a control thing. They can’t control certain things including getting older. How pathetic is that ? Yuck.
It was just a matter of time that he needed a 20 something girl next to him. Who wants that ? I am glad I don’t have to listen to this anymore. I remember catching him sending pictures to the go worker. Only that he was 12 years younger on the pictures. He was deceiving her then already.
And the fact that they are sheriffs deputies is just very sad. This is where our tax dollars go. How sad is that. They claim that they have these high moral standards. What a lie .
kaya
thats actually pretty creepy that he would come in in your sons clothes”you must have wanted to burst out laughing at how silly he looked!!!
its all an ego thing with them, dressing younger, looking younger, talking younger”they are fools any way we look at it..
mine must have written down comments he had heard his young online contacts would say”he would then repeat to me those comments and i knew immediately “no way a 60 year old ;knows enough to say these things”
i could always tell when he’d been prowling online looking and speaking to women”just by his sudden change in speaking..
A long-ago associate married a guy who was a closet gay, they had three boys of their own. He chose to “come out” during Hallowe’en when the eldest was about 14….by trick-or-treating his own house in a bra.
The lady had been raised in a very protected environment, by loving religious parents.
I suspect that all of us would have noticed he was More Than A Little Bit Off a L-O-N-G time before he showed up at the door with nipple rings and that thong. Or whatever it was, that caused she and the kids to run screaming into the future in search of ghosts and goblins to save them from the Dad they thought they knew.
Jenna
My ex actually tried to get a restraining order against me during divorce proceedings. He is a cop and abused the system so badly. That was until I got my lawyer involved. He did not care that the ex was a Law enforcement officer. Also the judge dismissed the b/s right away. Isn’t it crazy how far they go to be as vicious as they can be. My ex made a complete idiot out of himself in court. In front of his cop bailiffs.
This is actually where the no contact rule is best. Don’t give them anything they can use against you. They lose power and control. And that’s devastating for them. I ignore my ex since 18 months. Changed all phone numbers and email addresses. I will never, ever look at him or talk to him again in my life. He does not exist for me except for alimony.
He now realizes that he lost his family for good Like I said before “whores come and go but family is forever.”
Jenna, your astrologer over here says, some of the best advice is the oldest. This from the 40’s, The King and I musical, remember that?
Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune! then no one will suspect I’m afraid.
While shivering in my shoes, I strike a careless pose, and whistle a happy tune! then no one ever knows, I’m afraid.
The result of this deception is very strange to tell, for when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well!
I just whistle a happy tune! and every single time, the happiness in the tune CONVINCES me that I’m NOT afraid.
Love from N/C — to UNDO THE DAMAGE DONE BY SOME ROTTEN ‘PSYCHIC’, BAH HUMBUG ON THAT JUNK!!!! but not on YOU.
No contact
Good advice. Whenever I start to worry and be fearful and lift my eyes up and say “please God take this from me, I give you control from the inside out “. It works for me. Worry and fear are not good. Instead of worry , pray.
“The Lord ist helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me “?
Exactly, kaya. The Lord made it ALL.
Hanalei
Just like my ex. He never admitted to cheating either. He blamed his discard on me. I know what you mean about the tight face. My ex would have these thin lips and mean look and I knew that trouble was ahead as soon as we get behind closed doors.
No more drama for me either. There was always drama with him. Even a day at the beach would turn into a nightmare. Could be too windy , too many waves, anything could set him off.
Now we have peace and happiness. 🙂
ha ha kaya, I’m sure you will know what I mean when I say this:
I could make it snow. I could make it rain. I could make it hail. In fact I controlled the whole Universe and every single thing that went wrong was my Personal Fault.
hanaleimoon
i have been no contact for four months”i read a lot about this silly condition they have and was beginning to be somewhat happy, being able to acknowledge what he is and accepting it”now the recontact”
i know he’s a bad person for what he’s done..but its so weird that he himself, has admitted it..like you said regardless what he is”he could be none of the “paths” we refer to here, he is NO GOOD”
thanks for your opinion, it is these kind of opinions that make me see straight xx