UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jenna
I am so sorry for you. All these other women. I caught my ex in his affair with his co worker cop. But he also had profiles on Ashley Madison and other cheaters websites. I am sure there were many more. But towards the end he got very sloppy and i felt line he wanted to be caught. Exposing them does not make a big difference I believe. They just sent anyhow and blame us as being crazy. I wanted so bad to tell the sheriff what his deputies are doing during their shifts and I had proof. But nothing good would have come out of it. Maybe a few minutes of satisfaction for me. Instead I started the no contact what I think is much more powerful and healthier. Ignoring him is my control.
It’s the best weapon , besides good legal help to deal with them. This way he cannot take my positive energy away, something I worked so hard for to regain. In the end I think they know how evil they are but will justify any way they can.
Jenna23
Remember, “acts like he has done nothing wrong” Because he has NO conscience.
He is able to do it ALL because he has NO conscience. He has NO ability to attach or bond. In the end, that inability means he is in earthly purgatory, ALONE and rampaging through people’s lives, a zombie type, of human form but not truly alive.
Jenna
I think at first they are happy. While I was crying every night and day he was sipping champagne on a carribean cruise with her. I did not know that at the time. I thought he was sad over the loss of his family. Later through financial documents turned into the court I realized he was living it up. So my advice would be. Don’t worry about if he is happy or not. Just think of yourself, how you can overcome this.
I can see a big difference between then and now. When I wAs devastated about the loss of my 20 plus year marriage and the destruction of the family, he did not care. He just went on with his life. Since I went no contact the notes to his son have changed. But it all lies anyhow. Everything he writes is selfish and cowardly written. Sometimes I wonder if one of his minions create those letters. He can try and cry and beg all he wants. We are done with him . You will get to this point. One day you will laugh about this. Just like me and many others here.
Hanalei
Glad I can be some help here. I would always admire you and others when I first found this website almost 2 years ago. When I was a wreck. When crying was my daily ritual. Your journey has helped me so much. So many similarities we all share. Like you I was left with this mansion and the mortgage. A house he refinanced 6 days before he left. Like you I had to pick up the pieces, trying to stay sane for my 17 year old sons well being. Some people asked me “why are you still smiling and acting happy going through this divorce ?” If they only knew that it saved my life.
I was planning to be a home owner again. But I realized whatever I have at this moment is more than enough. I don’t miss my mansion ,my material things. He destroyed all this. He took my security away. Not only mine but also his sons. I never wanted my son to worry about things. He was a feshsman in college, I wanted him to focus on school. Which he did. It was unfair of my ex husband to stop his tuition. But you know , in the end happiness came before all that.
Wish we all could meet somehow. And no contact is right. We all shared the same evil partner, just different names.
Hanalei
This is exactly ehat my ex called it “dump it”. I remember a letter from his attorney to mine “my client wants the house sold immediately, he is tired of paying your clients bills forever “. He even lied to his own attorney because he was paying absolutely nothing . Instead he took the minions out for dinner every night , got tattooes , went to sex toy shops, went to lavish vacations.
And now he wants a relationship with his son. A little too late for that. In reality he only wants that for his own satisfaction. Because they hate losing control. Over everything. They never see us as humans. We are just merely an extension of them. Very sad.
kaya, I had a very bad roof leak that required plaster repair as well as a plumbing problem that needed to be taken care of – I got quotes and had my attorney forward them to his attorney. We got a reply that the ex was fine with the quotes and he would pay half. I got the work done (fronted the money) and forwarded the final bills. After 3 months with no response, I had my attorney check into it and the response was “my client has decided he doesn’t want to put any more money into that house”. I don’t recall the exact amount, but it was several thousand dollars.
Around that time the ex’s daughter (who was still hoping we’d get back together) told me that he had several lavish trips lined up with his new girlfriend. Meanwhile, the only non-essential item I hadn’t eliminated from my budget was getting my hair cut.
I don’t know if that girlfriend is the woman he ended up marrying. They’ve been married about a year and a half now – I wonder if her life has fallen apart yet.
Jenna-
You were experiencing love. He was not. He is simply not capable of love as you know it.
People with character disorder only bond for self interest… much the same way wild animals do. Without the neurology of bonding or love, they live a very self absorbed existence. To him, “I love you” means “I possess you,” which is a diametric contradiction to love.
Their lives totally revolve around their interests and needs. Everyone they surround themselves with are simply props in their play.
I’ve seen folks debate about whether or not they are happy…..
they experience a different type of happiness than people with a conscience. Their happiness is derived from their gains, not by depth of emotion. Their lives are very superficial.
The offender in your circumstance is especially depraved. Not every psychopath stoops to the total control tactics he used. He is a sexual pervert, like Bill Cosby seems to be.
Joyce
In a love based relationship normal folks care about the well being of the other person in a personal way; and care about every one else in the world in a general way. Spaths don’t care about the well being of others in any way, and this is the major deficit in close relationships.
In my experience, even though a particular spath did not stoop to a particular level of depravity while another one did, all of them are capable of anything. Normal folks’ actions are defined and limited by conscience, keeping commitments, ethics, and the effect of their actions on others. Spaths’ actions are defined by what they want at a particular moment which is generally power, control, sex, expression of their sadism, material possessions and comforts that someone else worked for, etc. Spaths’ actions are limited by whether they think they will get caught, and how that will affect them. In addition to lacking conscience, my ex Psychopath seemed to lack shame and embarrassment which to me seemed incongruent with his extreme desire for perceived status, admiration and worship.
It seems like all of them are sexual perverts, as they pervert and twist everything right and good.
No contact
I was just listening to the song “oceans” by hillsong united as I was reading your comment. You mentioned drowning. The lyrics are so appropriate. “You took me out into deep waters,my feet may fail , but my faith will stand “. We have to remember
“No matter what they did to us, how much pain they put us through , we will remain strong. ”
I did not ask for all this, but it sure made me stronger in my faith. I can already notice that I am strong, whatever comes my way I can handle it. Before, I used to get shaky , nervous and unsure. Surviving this nightmare has turned me into a gladiator. I notice it at my job or whatever. He tried to destroy me and in reality he made me a much more resilient person.
Kaya, it is Divine Providence that I would hear from you.
This is the 5th Christmas alone but there were 3 more before it (at least) in which the kids (not me) knew about the OW and had discussed the issue “behind my back” so that when I finally bailed out in 2010 they were already used to the idea and it was a blase sort of affair.
I’ve suffered at least twice as much from my kids’ reaction to their dad’s betrayal of me (which has been to support him and pressure me to feel bad for leaving on the basis they are adult kids of longtime divorce and on that basis more injured than other children of divorce) than I have of his own. After all he was motivated by sex and the other Mysteries of the OW while they were motivated by …
…what?
Do you have any thoughts about this, dear? would appreciate your insights as to how and when son’s behavior came about? as mine are anything but supportive and instead have told me lately and in WRITING by email that I was an abusive parent myself, while they so enjoy seeing their dad (whom if you have missed it, is now a murder suspect, the OW having been killed just after the new year 2014 — with anniversary ahead).
I swear I am not making this up, they prefer a murder suspect to me, and I am going nuts about this over here. Help!? My sister who has always claimed I am blowing it with the kids and just trying to get my ex into trouble because he dumped me…..
no, I am worried that he has committed murder. And I KNOW that he murdered me and our family so when the decedents’ family members accused him (it turned out when the detective visited me) I definitely saw why THEY thought he had done it. Duh. I have been writing on these pages for YEARS before that crime and routinely reporting that he wanted to leave me for someone who didn’t want me..and now she is dead.
I understand this must be shocking for the children to get into their heads but accusing me of everything from infidelity to laziness has just about Done Me In and that is no doubt, kaya dear. Most recently my therapist suggested I move and not give ANYBODY my address, that feels like such an emotional amputation! but she points out…
it seems to have already occurred anyway. ??
Dearest NoContact
I totally empathize with you about your kids. I am in the same boat with my daughter. She is awful towards me, it’s like she took the manipulations and behaviors of my ex and adapted them to be cruel to me.
My ex’s worst cruelty was when he used my daughter to harm me, he’d gossip to her and make things be “them protecting themselves against evil ol mom”, the mom that had standards, expected homework to be done and no lying, that kind of evil mom.
My daughter, through advice I think she got from reading LF, had stopped calling me, and last Christmas, two days before Christmas, told me she was going NC with me, that she had to because I refused to take responsibility for the abuse that I had done to her. The really painful thing it, the abuse she accused me of was not done BY ME to her, it was done TO ME by MY birth family. I had been forced to tell about my family so she would understand why I had nothing to do with them (rapists, drug addicts, thieves, low lifes). IF she had accused me MY behaviors while I was married and in total confusion with my ex, I would have been glad to be accountable for those behaviors, but she wants me to admit shame for sexual abuse and for starving her, and for making her work in order to eat and have clothes (none of which are true and I can prove it).
THIS year, my daughter called me on Thanksgiving. Remember, she has not spoken to me in years, and stopped emails last Christmas. I was stunned and ELATED. I was SO very HAPPY that she was okay, not harmed, and had moved back to the USA, and had plans to marry. But… a couple of days after, the euphoria wore off and I realized, she was STILL holding to the stories that I was her abuser, sexually/physically/mentally/financially. And the pain returned, that my daughter has somehow been damaged in such a way that she has no problem being incredibly cruel to the mom that sacrificed and endured (had to stay in that abusive marriage b/c she would not chose to leave with me in the divorce), the mom that watched out for her well being, took her to see the world, encouraged her interests, got her into a good school where she thrived, made sure she attended the university of her choice, and everything that needed to happen so that all she wanted for her career choice came to be.
She did not call for Christmas. No message anywhere, no email, no fb post, nothing. So she is back to shunning me. Shunning is painful but the most painful when the one person you love most is the one who is shunning.
I decided to turn my hurt over to GOD, to pray for the light of LOVE to shine on her. At the very basic level, what I want for my daughter is to feel love, to give it and to receive it. It hurts that she does not behave that way towards me, but as longs as she is loved/gives love to others, that is what matters most. Otherwise, I focus on being who I am. Maybe someday she will wake up and treat me with dignity. Maybe not. But I will take her calls as long as she doesn’t speak to me like I am dirt, and I will be grateful to know she lives. I can not and will not close the door on HER, but I will NOT allow the accusations and blame for that which I NEVER and WOULD NEVER do.
This is what I decided about my non-relationship with my beloved precious dearest love, my daughter. I refuse to close the door on my child, but that does mean I have to deal with the pain, and I accept that burden.
I think you have to honor yourself, and from that, chose how to manage your response to your children’s behavior with dignity and self respect. Even if they are cruel, as a mom you still provide the example of decent behavior, which includes not submitting to overt abuse. That’s my advice.
No contact
I am so sorry about your daughters. I really, honestly don’t have any insight about relationships with your children after a discard. I am blessed my son supports me in the no contact 100 percent. I still attribute this to the fact that I mostly raised him by myself. (My ex was deployed most of my sons childhood). My son and I were baptized 2012 and we put all of our faith in God. He sees his father as who he really is. A manipulator. Someone you cannot trust and not even love. My son once said “real dads don’t leave “. A man who is capable of such a cowardly act is not a man or father.
My ex grew up in a very disturbed family where the father left for a younger woman. I , myself grew up in a loving family. My parents were married 48 years when my father passed away. I never saw my mom crying. I never saw my father disrespect my mom or anyone. And those values stayed with me.
I don’t know what advice I could give you regarding your children. It must be painful to see they support the father. Maybe some other people here have advice. I know all of you helped me so much. I enjoy reading your comments , no contact. They always put a smile on me. :). Thank you. I will keep you and the daughters in my prayers.
Thanks kaya, just your kind words have gone a long way, as always. xox n/C
Not
I think you are handling this in a great way. It must be very hurtful but all we can do is give it to God. I am fortunate with my son seeing my ex’s evilness. When I caught him in his affairs the last time he called his police officer friends and tried to send me to a mental institution. Of course the psychatrist saw what happened and let me go right away. While I was away for a few hours here are the words he told our son “it is just going to be me and you now, yourotget is mental and will be committed for a long time “. Because I cried he claimed I was a danger to myself, he claimed.
Isn’t that a cruel thing to say to your 17 year old son? . He only forgot that my son found the nasty pictures of the ex and his co worker whore on our home computer. To be this was the tip of the iceberg. After that I was done with him. The psychatrist advised me to file for divorce as soon as possible. He could not believe what happened. How police power was abused in such an evil way.
I hope that your daughter will see the truth one day. Keep praying. God will put her in the light.
No and Not-
I too have experienced the rejection of my child. It’s now been almost 7 years.
We can’t control the impacts of genetics and environment on our children, although we try our best to direct their path as they develop. But we are not the only influence in their lives, and their journey is impacted by other variables.
It’s the responsible parent that often suffers the rejection. We did the heavy lifting of raising them, because we wanted for them to grow up to be responsible adults who could stand on their own two feet, with self respect and dignity. It was all too easy for an immoral parent to cast our boundary setting in a negative light. They consistently look for ways to alienate.
Immoral parents indulge their children, lie and mislead. Children are only pawns to them, another weapon in their arsenal to discredit and harm us. Unfortunately, however, children who succumb to the “bond unraveling” behavior of an immoral parent are likely to have serious morality issues to start with.
The off-spring of disordered parents are at-risk for developing sociopathy, and the influence of the disordered parent can be a key component in what they will become. A child can only sever a maternal bond if they have “bonding” issues. The behavior of the father toward both the mother and child, not just the actions of the mother, highly impacts that attachment.
Parental relationships that are loving foster the concept of bonding in a child. Absentee or abusive parents deter bonding from forming and the child forms links out of need and want, not love.
When my then 27 year old son said, “Now that I’m independent, what do I need you for?”, I knew he had no concept of love.
Developing, dependent children don’t demonstrate full-blown signs of character disorder. They are more likely to demonstrate the signs once they age closer to, and beyond, independence.
My separation from my child was far more painful for me than the separation from the jack-a–s who spawned him. It, and not the loss of my ex, is what drove me to writing my book. Doing so literally saved my life.
Losing a child is like losing a part of yourself. and losing your child through the intent of your child is horrifically excruciating. There has not been a moment in seven years that I didn’t have my son in my heart, even though I know he is completely lost to me.
But I’ve realized that my son became who he is because of the genetics in his DNA and the negative impacts from both the abandonment of his father, and his influence when he decided, as most sociopaths do, that he wanted to reclaim a familial connection with him as he aged. Having children provides a sense of belonging and “justification” to an aging sociopath. And he had already completely side-stepped the financial burden of raining him, destroying my economic stability in doing so. Whoever has a child with a sociopath will never be free of their harm.
I don’t know of anything more painful than losing a child. But as we all know, an adult child who is a sociopath is unlikely to change. All we can do is find peace in knowing we did the best we could with the resources and knowledge we had at the time, and take pride in knowing that without our influence, they could have been far worse than they are.
I’ve recognized that my son is incapable of caring about me. And I don’t really need someone who is unloving in my life, even if he’s my child. Although I will love him to the day I die, and beyond, I don’t need his bad behavior around me, and I recognize he is incapable of the love and respect that normal children feel for their parents.
Joyce
My heart breaks for all of you who have lost a child to psychopathy in some way. Prayers for all. I am so sorry.
Love you, Annette!
xox
Joyce, there is so much Learning packed into your message and it is such a painful topic, that I am going to digest it bit-by-bit.
And meanwhile — Thank you. XOX
Thanks Annette
Also thank jm for this well written comment. I know I am very fortunate that my son is not a minor. I can only imagine what kind of accusations I would face if he was younger. My ex would accuse me of everything possible especially him being a cop.
If me ex was a “normal” person I would feel very sad with the list relationship with his son. Knowing how evil the ex is, the no cobtact is the healthiest way to deal with this. My son agrees. He wants nothing to do with him. He was never a good father except for providing for his family. Of course only until the little minion entered his life. Emotionally he was never there for his child. Like he checked out of the marriage the day we got married. I cannot imagine not having contact withy child and will keep praying.
kaya, my safe-therapy resource has suggested I move away and not give daughters my address. 🙁
an idea that’s left me traumatized all on its own.
and probably the best one yet, as well.
They can’t help themselves but I have to help myself. Look how many years I’ve lost at this! and they simply will not let me get away. They have turned into the Guards at the Gates of the Concentration Camp, that is how my heart sees them now and so it seems his WORST NIGHTMARE has been foisted on me: I’m locked away from my daughters, and they from me, it is literally a Living Hell for everyone except the creature itself.
Whatever disease that thing has, it is contagious and the most dangerous thing I have ever even heard of, much less personally experienced. This public menace needs to be controlled, I am actually repulsed at how society turns its back on such a malignant issue that affects so many good people and their kids.
I looked into these children’s eyes at birth and as God as my witness, kaya, they were NOT BORN WITH THAT UGLY DISEASE. He GAVE it to them, now their eyes even change color when they’re angry, it is a living Death for me to have endured this not to mention imagining even worse; that what he really wants is to kill our elder daughter and himself JUST TO GET ME! and like Jenna whom I encourage, I STRUGGLE with the Injustice of it all….
even though I know better, I still struggle with the plain raw UNFAIRNESS that these people are ALLOWED TO DAMAGE OTHERS and RUIN THEIR LIVES! in deceit and malicious intentions that should be a CRIME.
nocontact
Everything in your post above is spot on.
I believe the acts of a sociopath are a spiritual crime. They are an assault on a person’s soul.
I have an advantage in that my daughter does not live near me so her accusations and attitude don’t poison my everyday life. It does hurt that she choses her behavior but it actually hurts her/closes down her opportunities and her life. If she lived near me, I’d leave. I could not live authentically if I had to be constantly on guard against assaults. I learned that lesson from my socio-ex-husband.
I also learned the bitter life lesson that there is NO JUSTICE. Life IS UNFAIR. But thank GOD I live in the USA, where I can move away to a place where I can be myself. Society has NO problem with sociopaths, they just blame the victim. That way, they don’t have to DO anything about the problem! LAWS? ARE for the career climbers to build their portfolios and bank accounts, not for the victims.
I am sorry Jenna. It’s not right. I totally relate.
My rapist when I was 16 got away with it. My sociopath ex and his family nearly murdered me; the DA choses their cases, no justice for me there either. It’s like… it’s okay to hunt and murder some people because I’m not cute enough or rich enough or a “somebody”. I am just the victim. I don’t look to the law or the police to protect me. I know better.