UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hanalei
Yes, that was a shock. I am not on any social websites just for that reason, also my lawyer advised me so as all that was admissible in court. I had a strange feeling when he sent me to buy that wodka. For his police buddy. Sure.
I feel the same as you do and wish you would live close to me. We have so much in common. I am fortunate I have a wonderful job. God gave me this job 7 days before he left. I was part time working for this company and always turned down full time positions (life with the ex was exhausting enough, catering to him day and night).that day a voice in my head told me to accept the position and I did. I never told the ex. Yes just a “great job kAya? You look nice today, I like your curly hair, you look so happy, you Are our sunshine, you are so positive “. All that helped me work on my self esteem. Compared to his “wow , you look old, you are fat, your hair is so short….,,. That is what I heard at home. Now it’s only positive energy hitting me. And I know now how to deflect a negative energy.
Just today I received another note with my alimony. Can’t he just go on with his life? He wanted to be free for his pervertness with the minions. I guess not enough. See Jenna , they can never be happy , always on the look out for some fresher, younger, more attractive narcissistic supply. Must be so exhausting. I prefer my peace. And if that means being myself , it’s ok. Baby steps like Hanalei said. Maybe one day we will have that house again and a caring, loving partner. I hadn’t house in paradise but I had to share it with the devil, no thanks.
Hi Friends,
I’ve been following along with your posts. Jenna, you’ve expressed the want to know why your ex does what he does. I’ve been told it’s a good thing I can’t figure out my ex”because he is a manipulator and abuser. Basically, if I were to understand him, that would mean I’d be like HIM. I appreciate this advice, just wish I could find peace with it”with his constant covert torment. Sure, I may not be like him to understand but I want to know his intentions”does he plan to scare me for as long as he can or to have me dead?
He’s been stalking me now for almost as long as we were together. Oh wait”.he more than likely has stalked me for almost 2 decades before seducing me, so guess the stalking time compared to our relationship time shouldn’t matter. Wish I could let that one go. How was I so foolish and blind during the years leading up to and during our relationship? Especially when he gave me so many signs along the way!
I went out of town for the holidays and felt my depression lessening. Now that I’m back in town, I’m scared almost constantly, once again. I feel like I’m coming closer to proving his stalking. That gives me hope, despite feeling incredibly crazy at times along the way. He’s been doing very strange and subtle things that scare the hell out of me — I wish I could elaborate on to get your advice.
This is TDS79, btw. At this point I feel it’s safer to change my user name. When I set up my account last summer I wasn’t thinking clearly and it may be too obvious. I may even be saying too much in this post, but this is my life! And I’ve been drinking too much wine, can’t eat and feel at a loss tonight.
Bright side, my perspective has improved over the months, it’s just not consistent. And I’m more depressed than before. I’m wondering if this is part of the healing process? No more numb, less angry and more anxious/depressed. Go figure.
Speaking of my depression, it pisses me off that even my depression is a result of this horrible man. I mean, can’t I at least own my own damn depression?!
Jenna please don’t be further alarmed by this, but…
He IS stalking you and for sure!
He is smearing your reputation, and that is a typical and very dangerous method of stalking you.
Here is what NOT stalking you looks like: He leaves you ALONE and shuts up.
NoContact,
Excellent point!
In my opinion, if an ex stalks you while your together chances are that will continue.
Spaths are notorious for stalking, regardless at what levels they’ll go to.
In your case, I think it’s a control thing. And in his control he was also able to cheat with less likely hood of being caught. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this.
It’s funny, my ex was very jealous, for instance we couldn’t go to the same restaurants/go to any places that I had gone to with men from my past — friends included, but he also kept his distance while always keeping tabs, via calls/emails, etc. I remember in the last couple of months together that I thought I’d see his car and him following me. I memorized the first part of his license plate so that I would check to make sure but never followed through on much. It almost seemed like a normal way to live at the time.
How you hanging in tonight, Jenna?
Jenna,
You have every right to be sad. He treated you in a way no person should ever be. Remember, no matter what you did you could never make him happy. He doesn’t know happy the way we do. I tried over and over to please my ex. Not sure at this point whatever pleased him that I did…except for react to his poison and give him my body. He enjoyed toying with me. As I’m sure yours did you. Considering your circumstances, yours enjoying toying with you to extremes and in sickening/saddening ways.
From what I understand, many spaths are not regularly active in stalking their exes but may keep tabs for many, many years.
In my case, I’ve been experiencing stalking at a very real, very sneaky, very scary level for months. It’s a horrible existence. In order to get a restraining order, I need to prove I’m at immediate harm. I believe I am, but proving it…. However, it looks like I have enough to pursue a felony case. I need to start a police track regardless and he’s making it hard for me to do. I wish my state had better laws…Not sure why I should have to suffer like this with no protection.
That’s what scares me most I think, his word against mine. I feel like I need more concrete evidence. It’s saddening its our words against theirs. At least the women you exposed him to left him, hopefully for good.
“Vaginal doormat”…that’s a good way to put it. It breaks my heart to think of all the women past and future my ex will use in horrific ways. Although sad, at least it is not us anymore. I’m sooo sorry you had to endure that kind of rape.
Makes me think of a time my ex drugged me when I was with coworkers and he brought his scummy friends with no notice. Not really sure what happened that night. I blacked out that evening until the next morning. I had a lot of bruising. I’ve always wondered about that night, the bruises, everything. He said I got really drunk (I only drank 2 glasses of wine before blackout), I was an embarrassment and he had to carry me to his car. He later comforted me. Your story makes me wonder if more happened than what his encounter was. God only knows at this point.
Willprevail-
Don’t give up on pressing charges against him, particularly if you believe he has committed a felony. And if you are interested in creating laws in your state to bring about a change, please contact me at 50 Brave Women! Here is the link: http://bit.ly/1zJpLId
Joyce
What you are going through is very natural. Wanting him back, even though he’s cruel. That’s the power abusers create. I felt the same as you in the beginning, I’m several months in now and still feel the need for the pain to stop. Although now I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 ft stick and despise him. Still, the pain has not stopped. Eased, but it goes on…
Jenna
My ex was also a “pervert”, he was obsessed with taking pictures of is private parts and admired them on his phone or computer. And of course eventually sent them to the co worker. Yuck.
You mentioned “how can they do this?” My ex told me on Monday said hd loved me, we refinanced the house so he could retire early, we made plans to go fishing. Thursday we spent all day on the beach. Thursday night I found out he took paid time off and acted. Like he was going to his nightly shift. He spent that time with her. And Thursday night he left his family. See, Jenna ,he did not care. It was all lies. It hurt me that even when he told me “i love you” it was a lie. Everything. He panned his exit for a few months or longer and just waited for the “right”moment.
It took me almost 2 years to finally realize “you can never make sense out if it “. I just quit thinking abou the why. He walked out on his family after 22 years. Left his entire life with us. To me it was very cruel. To him it was nothing. I remember when I cried. His words “what are you crying for, I just dont love you , get over it. “.
Now he is begging to have contact with us. It’s never going to happen. I divorced him and blocked him for the rest of my life. That’s whag I spent 15000$ for my lawyer. Every cent of it was worth it. He can now play mind games or being a pervert with his cop co workers. And he does not even have to hide it anymore because I dobg care. He lost everything, his family, his house, his money , his son. He does not even realize that he did me thf biggest favor ever, he gave me freedom. He tried to destroy me and his son. Whag he destroyed is himself.
jenna, when I am wearing my astrology hat (that is so much wiser than I am myself) I understand that men are seeking Power from women because their jobs were displaced after the World Wars and we did not want to go back “home where we belonged.”
On the introduction of the birth control pill, women could control their own bodies in a private bathroom, and tell the guy they had no idea why there weren’t more sons?! while in earlier generations, we got stuck there at the stove and diaper pail…
And guys (please forgive me, guys out there, but this is true about the mainstay of you lately) take 14 times (or more) longer to do ANYTHING than a woman. So any employer that is not already a woman herself, is gonna do the Math, and the rest of you are Seeing This Picture Ahead and battering us for it— trying to put us back In Place.
It is a social problem Jenna, not just one for you and me and the rest of us here — Men do not have any POWER anymore as it was in the $$$$$$$ at their jobs, and the Mojo in their pants (now we have vibrators and don’t even mind admitting it, all we really need is a Duracell and THEY KNOW IT!) so maybe we’d better think about validating the GOOD GUYS OUT THERE!
So this is a tip from your good ol friend Nancy, maybe that bald, short, fat guy WITH A JOB is not so ugly, after all, and MAYBE you could even see yourself with the nerd down the street with 4 kids already, just so long as they’re polite to you and you KNOW he is TRUSTWORTHY.
Not only do we think we have to look like Taylor Swift but our MEN have to look like that guy too — and then we wonder why we find out all the names in his little black book are Bob, Ted, Scott and Brian.
Our MOMS would have said, that is not a real guy! and our DADs would have just come out and said
Honey, he is a QUEER and just hiding his hatred for you and his exploitation of you — behind that Grinning Mask.
And Daddy would be right — JUST THIS ONCE. 🙂
It has been three years for me and I am recovering slowly but surely.
I still have days I cry but they are far less now as I realize that I am much better off now! This site has helped me so much and I am so grateful for being able to have a site that I am not alone. It is even hard for me to believe that I was married to a sociopath for years and I lost so much. People can not believe the stories because it is just horrible. Either way, I am on the road to recovery and it is not easy.
I find that I don’t cry at all anymore. It has been 2 years after the discard. I have not cried on about a year. Even through court proceedings , not one tear. I honestly don’t know how I was able to put all emotions about him away. They never returned. He can cry, beg, whatever. He gets no reaction out if me. It surprises me that I was able to turn it off because I am very caring and humble person. I work in health care where it is emotional at times. When it comes to my ex it’s like he does not exist. I am so happy I accomplished that. It was hard work and many sleepness nights but I made it. I know that any cobtact with him put me right back to those sleepness nights. I promised my lawyer to stay strong. He said “I did not work so hard for you to run right back to this evil monster “. I will keep my promise.
That is awesome kaya48.
Jenna23
You are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you! I believe you will in due time find a decent man, that can love you as you deserve.I know the recovery is not easy because I am going through it as well but in the end when you recover and are healed, it will be all worth it. Some people may think because I am a 33 yr old divorced mother of two, no man will want to settle with me, well I do not think so. I have a lot to offer and even though my self esteemed has been affected I know I am a wonderful person and deserve to be happy. I hope that you not allow the sociopath to rob you of the rest of your life. In due time you will feel better as hard as it may seem now, keep working on your recovery and you will come out of this stronger and smarter! I think you will be able to trust again but only the right people. I think all things are possible if you believe!
50 is not young. its not 70 but its not young. 33 u still have 20 yrs to live, be with someone, have more children even, accomplish many things that need youth. u can still meet n grow old with someone. i am already old, anyone i mite be with is already old. we are on the downhill side of life. the potential life i have is far different from the potential life a 33 yo has.
i am slowly accepting all this. being older is truly hard. enjoy every second of ur youth.
what i would give to have the last 20 yrs again.
life is not over for an older woman, but its hard to navigate as a single and not part of a couple. esp if u still have children to raise. alone. jenna does not, thank god. she can focus just on her, work her brains out to occupy her mind, take time alone as needed. but shes still in this world where the last decades of life are not easy for a single, esp traumatized, woman.
I can not fully understand the situation but I just do not believe a sociopath should rob the rest of our lives. I wasted 10 years of my life with a loser, who treated me like garbage and it has been 3 years and I am still in recovery, I still cry and I know it is soo hard for anyone at any age to move forward after a sociopath encounter, especially after years and kids. I am just rooting for us and our recovery and I understand how hard it is. I am just believing for the best for us! aintgonnatakeitnomore: Thank You for your words of wisdom and I will be here if you guys need me, THIS WEBSITE HAD TRULY HELPED.
Nooooo. I am saying you are not lol. Either way, your ex sociopath can have lots of money but he is still a loser and will one day reap all that he has sown. I think so.
It is better not to be with a sociopathic person, it is better for you to stay away from people life that. If he finds other women, you should feel sorry for them but at least it is not you anymore! It goes back to the brain we are so conditioned to desire these jerks but reality is we need to run for our lives
i turned 50 yesterday, im older 😉
That is awesome Jenna 23
Thank You but You too as well can recover from this.
Did you receive help for feeling suicidal? At one point I needed to be on antidepressants and I soon got off of them when I started feeling better. If you are ever feeling like that please call 911.
Yes you should receive treatment from a therapist or psychiatrist.
It is not that you are crazy maybe meds can work for sometime until you feel better. I can understand your pain it is important that you see a therapist that can help you. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. It does take time but you will get through this. If you do not have health insurance you can always go to a community health center that has a Behavioral health dept. IF you have insurance you can call them and they have a behavioral health member number and they can direct you
AWESOME. I was worried!
Ain’t
Thanks for telling me also that I an old. I am slso 49. Lol.
Jenna, it’s ok that we are 49 or 50 like ain’t. Age is just a number. I honestly felt 20 years old being with my ex than now. He constantly told me that I was old and boring. He was only 2 years younger but surely loved the 20 year olds , his sons age.
Yes, you are absolutely right. Being single in your 20’s or 30’s is so different. The older good men want young ones. Men our age are usually happily married. Younger men don’t want 50 year olds. So what’s left ?
For me just the thought of dating scares me. Also the deceases that are out there. For me being single means being safe. And I think that is what I need at the moment.
I too regret wasting 20 plus years with him. But I have my beautiful smart son because of that. He might have all the crazy sex he wants. But that does not replace family and love.
good older men do not want “children”. they want a real woman; mature, able, warm not vapid. only idiot older men want the young things who are looking for a daddy replacement. many older men are not married, but many are not due to their own fault. its rare to find an older man whos worthy.
when u meet sumone married 3 times befor, RED Flag! those ex wives are not crazy bitches, the man ur talking to is likely an cheating ogre. i can get them to tell me easily the situation. even when the wife(s) cheated, its 99% of the time that he drove them to it. i can see thru craziness even saw thru it with the narc. still loved him tho due to lovebombing and my own dysfunctionality…along with knowing all men are jerks basically lol so this jerk seemed able to love after all.
ive learnt. no more men looking for a 4th or 5th marraige/ltr relationship (no guy over 40 wants marraige, shoot, most only want fwb as most men are incredibly selfish n lazy as sin).
becuz im not like a guy its been hard to learn. my friends are all married the last 3 decades so they think im cynical or a manhater lol. they dont know wat men are like, single older men. theyre basically children.
& believe me, young men looooove older women, well their money, stability n connections. dont listen to them flattering you. a young man chasing an older woman is not doing it out of undying love. at the very least, he has emotional issues. dont believe Cosmo magazine lol
however having said all that, just as men think all older women are bitter, and i sure as HELL shud be, there are good real men out there. cuz im out here too. does that mean i will be with one? no. but they do exist.
Family and love is better and one day if he has not already, will regret losing it all. You are not old!! lol. I know it is scary for me too, to have a boyfriend and I hope to make better choices, I just have to heal.
sociopath say things that are not true to destroy your self esteem, they lie and lie and If A sociopaths mouth is moving it is a lie
Thanks princess
For your kind reply. Yes, all of it was a lie. To this day occasionally I find more lies. It’s sad what they did to us but in a way it made me stronger , more independent and more at peace in my heart. I sleep 9 hours of peaceful deep sleep , no more nightmares. And my mind is not wondering “is this true, is he cheating, is he going to just leave us “. He has already done it, so no more worries. Fear and worry take all your positive energy. If I am good today , that’s all I need. The past is gone and the future is unknown.
Just to be able to sleep is a big accomplishment. Awesome. I had trpuble sleeping and now I can sleep a little better. I would just cry and think about all the horrible things he did and without remorse. What keeps me sane is the hope I have is that I do not have to deal with his bs anymore and I have to be strong for my kids. I know it is not easy but progress is always great!
Jenna
I like your comment “it stops now”. Good attitude. That’s exactly what my lawyer said when I sigbed my fivorce petition. He said “with this signature, it stops now “. He was right. Putting an end to it will make you feel empowered. You will see. I am in control now. It’s an awesome feeling. I make the rules, the “tables have turned “. And I won’t play his games anymore. It took 2 years but you will prevail. Believe me. Many times especially during court I almost gave up hope. But God picked me up, put me in the light and darkness had no chance. And now since I am a survivor my motto is “bring it on”. I might need my lawyer to respond to certain stuff , but that’s ok. My ex can’t mess with me anymore. Those times are long gone. Once that emotional bond is severed for good you will be ok.
It is a process and in due time you will feel better. Yes you do not need an evil person in your life. You need all the peace and joy that you can have and no one specially not a man can steal from you. Poor person who ends up with these people, they will never be happy because they will reap all the tears and harm they caused.