UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Not
That’s exactly what me ex said. “We don’t talk about you ” that is with the mistress/co worker. I too felt used up. I was good enough to move around the world for his army career, to always take care of his son while he was deployed. Once he retired from the army , became a cop, his son graduated from highschool. Then I was garbage, worthless old trash.
It was always about him. I remember one statement of his “I am 44 and I have nothing “. He had everything. And it was nothing to him.
Actually now he is 47 and really had nothing, except his little sex minions.
kaya48
One of the flings was particularly vicious to me, rubbing my face in their affair. In a public restaurant, she confronted me and at one point, said “Unlike YOU, I’m different. He LOVES me. (She emphasized “Loves”). Up to then, I had ignored her. But it popped out of my mouth and I’ve used it many time since, “YOU may be different but He’s NOT.”
Yes, my ex had EVERYTHING, so much that others were envious (afterwhich he smeared me/it/all of the parts of our life). But he values NOTHING.
NWHSOM
nice comeback to the other woman…i like that quote!!
Love you, Jane.
xox N/C
NC
Mwah to you xo 🙂
Not, what you have just written is SO TRUE that the OW in my ex’s picture was a murder victim, crime “inactive” with NO SUSPECTS (??!) although both the victim’s family and I know that what you have said is accurate, genuine, AND TRUE in every respect.
THANK YOU for letting me share your Sanity today, it is in rare supply out here where I “live” waiting for attack that I know will come SOMEHOW and in SOME WAY because that evil monster is a killer and I do not mean just in some theoretical, hypothetical manner, but in REAL LIFE AND DEATH.
My frustration at attempts to illustrate the madness within the person they have in their investigations room, is so far beyond Words that I would prefer you wrote them instead of me, please. The investigator is telling me that essentially I am INSANE and he is DIFFERENT in regard to his ability to see this man with accuracy. No, you are not, sir, you are just his latest Manipulation and Brain-Washed Victim, and if there was not an actual DEAD BODY in this picture then maybe the ex wife could relax.
BUT THERE IS!!!! and there but for the grace of God……
etc.
Not, I found out about this affair from my own children. One he’d taken to college via car one day and spent HOURS telling her that he was NOT having an affair at work, and when she stepped out of the car she was of course convinced that he must be, right?
The other daughter was living in a family-owned duplex and he moved the OW into the vacant side.
I was told about these things YEARS after they occurred and in that manner was Brought to Attention that EVERYBODY IN MY LIFE WAS LYING TO ME and since then (years later) am still in the goo and sinking even though I know better because now I am facing Life totally ALONE and that evil creature has WON EVERYTHING IT WANTED which was to suck my life until I died —
which on many days I feel has already occurred, he SUCKED ME TO DEATH having never had a real job in his whole entire life, he used me to get his father’s estate and then dumped us all.
Said about the dead old man, “Who gives a F–? HE IS DEAD!” laying WASTE TO ALL THAT HAD BEEN BUILT by those whose money and love he loved on like the treacherous INSECT that he is. The man has a cockroach in his soul, that is NOT A HUMAN BEING! and the worst part is that his family knew he was a pathological liar and told me AFTER THE FACT that they had never known what was true about him, in many years, so wtf were they doing watching him get MARRIED?
Did they think it was FUNNY to watch their little bug fasten its jaws onto another victim…..OR WHAT?!! what in the world could they have possibly been thinking??!
it blows my mind and always will.
NoContact
I do so “get” you. So many people KNEW what my husband was doing to me and said NOTHING. This wasn’t run of the mill crap, he was swindling me, putting me in fraud danger, had joined sex clubs, and was corrupt in his business and community affairs (which I was legally financially responsible for).
But to the community, it was just a “funny” piece of gossip. Everyone knew but me. Funny how stupid the wife is. Well, I’m not stupid, I was just kept in the dark and frantic about why NOTHING made sense. Living in UN-reality IS crazymaking!
As you say, blows ones mind… how little others concern themselves with the overt destruction of another human being. They were complicit. They thought so little of me, like I was the nothing my husband said I was (he also took credit for anything I accomplished, easy to do because it never occurred to me to tell anyone that I DID the work.) No wonder I came to feel paranoid. I don’t feel paranoid any longer but I’ve moved to where the annoying stuff of living is NORMAL, not a headtrip game.
I know complicit. After the final discard, my ex’s youngest daughter told me that he had had other women in and out of the house (and had sex with them while she was home) during my entire relationship with him. When I asked her why the f**k she never said anything to me, she said that she and her sisters assumed that I knew and that I was “ok” with it, even though they thought that was f’ed up.
Much later, after I talked to one of the women he tried to “date” at his job, she told me he could only “date” Monday – Wednesday (the days where I was at my own home) and she thought it was odd, but now it made total sense.
He mini-discarded me for days/weekends/a week at a time here and there when he wanted a little more time with someone else.
We were friends with his next door neighbors (a nice couple I thought). I’m sure at least the man knew what was going on and how he was using me.
No one cares.
Where is the red-faced icon?
I defended the A-hole against his many adversaries.
He cooked them up as he went along.
Finally he cooked up such a mess that it will stink up the rest of my and my kids’ lives no matter HOW it turns out. The OW is dead and his mere association with her was wrong.
Duh, that is what our wedding rings were for, and not for him to use me as his personal slice of prime rib after deciding not to educate himself beyond the level of a warehouse clerk or hotel room maid (I am not exaggerating, those were the jobs).
Once he’d inherited his father’s money, you would think he became King of Stink. He told me he could not longer relate to people who needed to get a mortgage to buy a house, for instance, after you-know-who bought a series of jointly-titled homes over thirty years, and every single one with her name on a lending document (or two or three).
You could actually SEE this person’s swollen ego INFLATE! like a plant video, in slo-mo time-lapse.
Hi janedoe. Thanks for your support and wisdom. I am only a little over one month out of my relationship. My NC had many affairs on me and moved in with one less than a month from me kicking him out. I have no contact and he doesn’t attempt to contact me or my children but I happen to know he is cheating on his current victim with someone at work. It’s so hard not to anonymously send a letter to the coworker to let her know but I’m trying to focus on me. Just came home from therapy. We discussed how I have anxiety going out bc i may run into them. I role play in my mind constantly…I hate it! In reality I hope that I am able to walk right past them calmly and act like they don’t exist bc that is so much more powerful. He wouldn’t hear my words anyway. I go back and forth myself thinking maybe he wasn’t a sociopath but just a cheating jerk. I believe he honestly believes he loved me and he did say our end was his fault. But, what normal person cheats so much and then makes their partner feel like they are crazy bc they can’t get over it? What normal person gives the person they love a black eye and blows out their eardrum? What normal person goes behind their partners back and okays the sale of her old engagement ring (from my previous marriage) and then goes and tries to pick up the money? (Just found this little goody out last week and he did it 6 months ago.) What kind of person holds a gun to his ex wife’s head? (Just found that one out too) He was good to me in the beginning and often still good to me in the end but there were so many terrible things that happened and for him to supposedly love me so much and regret losing me, but lie to me that there is no one else and be taking off for the weekend with her two days later? Flying down to Florida to meet her parents one month after he moved out of my house? Is he a sociopath? I don’t know but I certainly have a lot of healing to do and I will not be able to trust again for a while, if ever.
Then just trust us, dear, and hang on as tight as you can.
xoxo N/C
Hey DG,
If he’s good 99.9% of the time, but only shoots her .01% of the time, does that make him a sociopath?
The TRUTH is:
NO DECENT person holds a gun to ANYONE’s head, doesn’t threaten to, doesn’t even occur to them.
NO DECENT person “move on” to another person within a short time.
NO DECENT person gives ANYONE a black eye or physically harms them.
Like my dear therapist says, the absence of his abuse is not love or him being “good to me”, it’s just the lull between the storms.
When you recover yourself, you will be able to TRUST YOU, all others are merely trust-managed according to the level they earn.
Sociopath? Possibly, sure sounds like it; he’s indifferent about his abuse, incapable of an emotionally healthy bonding. DEFINITELY A LOSER. And DEFINITELY NOT DECENT.
jenna23
yes thats a pretty bad thing…to think he would even start with giving you a drink to make you pass out, is bad enough..was he a criminal or did he have a criminal background? maybe a hatred toward women?
What he did to you was criminal whether he gets charged or convicted or not.
It’s likely he committed crimes in the past and either was not caught or you’re not aware of them. He may have killed people and never been caught. There’s no way to know for sure, if they have the capacity to do whatever they think will get them what they want. I think many murders are successfully disguised as an accident or suicide.
DG
this is where all this crazy making begins…what they say and what they do…we swear they mean it when they say they love us, but why do what they do?? before knowing the answer i drove myself batty and lost 20 lbs with the stress.. i didn’t even know this disorder existed until august when i started looking for info..
when mine gets put on the spot or back against a wall with the things i found out about him, he used to turn things around and say he felt sick, was anxious and nervous…sure so we could take the focus off what i was accusing him of and we would concentrate on little old him to make his tummy ache go away..
as far as the physical abuse, thats different that the emotional abuse..there is no acceptable explanation for either,but if he is giving you a blackeye, he is very very dangerous…and that shouldn’t be tolerated…of course the rest isn’t valid either..it is a good thing you found out about the gun, their background says a lot about them and its too bad you didn’t know that at the beginning, no excuses to love a man who does that, unless its self defence…
as far as marrying within a short span or meeting parents of a OW after a couple weeks, i have come to realize they lack (or mine did) some sort of emotion as they grew up…and they constantly feel the need to have someone who “cares” for them…did yours have a rough upbringing?
i mentioned mine has recently returned only to make me think twice with the apologies, and now i find myself reading and reading and listening and getting advice and not knowing whether to trust again…aghhhhh
My NS not NC…lol. stupid spellcheck
Yes, I call it Auto Screw. 🙂
DG
You are so right. Walking past him without even looking at him and not saying anything is so much more powerful than anything. That’s what I did in court. Many times he was there early and once I knew he was there, I calmly got up and walked right passed him. Not giving him one look. Like he did not exist to me. I calmy waited for my lawyer and then with him by my side I was more than ready.
Ignoring him completely will give you power and control. There were many times I wanted to call the little whore/co worker . For what ? If it was not her it would have been another minion. She was just “available” , she is nothing special.
No contact…my heart feels your pain. My NS family is huge and they all live and work among me. They were my friends. They knew of his past and are watching him do it again to another. The fat fuck never moves himself, he snaps his fingers and dad and cousins come running to move him in. It’s hard to trust when these people who were such a big part of your life did not even clue you in. Just realize like I have that they are manipulated by him like you were. They too are in his fog. They are confused or maybe afraid. He has not won yet. You are still fighting and the fight is not over yet. My mother wrote on my chalkboard in my kitchen on 12/31…”tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one!” You are finally in control now. Take what hurts you and let it help you. Continue to love, laugh and live! XOXO
thanks, DG, actually you said a mouthful to me just now.
jenna23
maybe that explains his hatred towards women? the fact he was given up by his mother and his sisters were not…
is the money he makes legal or fraud?
Jenna, may I please ask you something about your spath?
Did you know him before he inherited money?
If not, you are probably seeing the Bloom Out of his psycho personality, and once he runs out of money (he will) that is when there will be “hell to pay” which is why I am so scared of my own ex….
He was a WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON before he got that wallet of his father’s and trust me, it was STUFFED WITH MONEY but NOT so much that he would never have to work again, as he said that he would not (the wife and daughters YES, but not him).
If your spath does not have an independent source of income, in other words, then the story you are telling on this site is just like the guy who was SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE or I would not have married him, right?! as being sodomized can occur in multiple WAYS as you know…..
and I have been raped so many times and over so many years that the sheer Knowledge of that has made me nuts, however I REMEMBER THAT SNEAKY VULTURE before he got his money!! and have “done the math” on his expenses, and like you had WORKED all my life, paid the bills and so on, while these people with “sudden riches” tend to end up in the GUTTER so my whole effort all these years has been to keep from going down the drain along with him.
As it is, he quit his long-time public-service job after decades of service — sat down on our couch and closed his eyes! refusing to work at any thing else — and within just a few years, I was signing a Bankruptcy Petition and later, he let our home foreclose AFTER HE HAD INHERITED THAT MONEY.
So in other words, I guess what I am asking you is: do these people get pumped up by the dough? and in that case, then what happens when it has been spent? The people (my FIL and apparently his father too) were so cautious and thrifty, that their lifestyle has been exploited but it is not (as my ex does, and possibly yours too?) ENDLESS or INEXHAUSTIBLE but a finite resource??! mine is such a Fantasy Person that he voiced the notion he would never have to work again and if yours is similarly mis-calculating, then …..
glub glub glub, they are going to drown right in front of us, which is OK if you have no kids with them, trying to hold their nasty noses above the water for a breath of air — like any “nursing parent” is bound to have taught them…
and sadly, I DID!! I actually TAUGHT THEM TO NURSE THAT THING and it is just like having created Frankenstein’s Monster, and from Heaven Above I will BET their adopting parents are just FRANTIC FOR JUSTICE just as we are ourselves out here.
xox from N/C to you, Jenna.
whew! I honestly don’t know which is worse? having them “get away with it” or knowing they will be BACK when it is spent, and want to suck some more.
Mine had only this one resource and OBVIOUSLY it was not meant for him to spend on his “karmic friend” and her children as opposed to the deceased man’s own descendants.
After the divorce was final (he threatened to kill himself if I did it earlier as the WHOLE TIME he was “working on the other woman” to leave with him, he bitterly complained that I got more money than I should have, such that he could not afford to buy a house like mine — because the RE market had changed — ??
It is the most horrible sensation, talking to someone pressuring you to revisit your “relationship” on the basis that you ripped them off in dollars. ?? The guy NEVER supported himself in all his 57 years and I know this for a FACT since guess who did the heavy lifting while THE WHOLE TIME he was just using us to impress the old man into thinking we were a real family?!
It is mind-boggling to me, that at the End, my ex told me he had defrauded both me, and his adopting and estate-leaving father. OMG WHAT A ______, I have fought inside for the right word, and come up with Tube Worm, is that horrible of me or what?! NO I figure it is an apt description of what happened to me, this awful hookworm attached itself to me DECADES ago and does not want to DETACH itself again. Its intended “next host” must have figured it out and told it to LEAVE! but I’ll bet he was stalking her with the notion he could pressure her as he was doing to me at the other end and that she hated it just like I did.
Unfortunately the woman is no longer alive to SAY SO! so I guess we’ll never know whether she ever slept with my ex (I think so, but only a couple of times, after which she went back to her boyfriend ha ha ha and I don’t BLAME her ha ha ha) or how she felt about him, ever loved him, hated him, or even was killed by him.
I don’t think ANYBODY will ever know, except of course the Lord and the perp, the victims themselves, and the UNIVERSE ABOVE whom we beg for JUSTICE today.
Thanks for your response, however I am so SORRY you have had to face such an enormous challenge and I can sure appreciate the AWFUL PART of knowing he’ll be rich no matter what unless somebody like yourself gets hurt bad enough to sue him for it, which in that regard you might want to take to some atty about what is called a civil assault. Even OJ could not escape our civil system and it works on a “preponderance of the evidence” standard as opposed to the criminal standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt.” That is because the civil proceeding can only result in a judgment for money damages (which it sounds to me like you are entitled to) while a criminal suit is brought by the state itself and can result of course in what we call “BODY JUDGMENT.”
In civil proceedings, we generally only see Body Judgment in connection with CONTEMPT OF COURT proceedings in which the theory is that the defendant has shown his fanny to the Judge HERSELF and that is a CRIMINAL matter, something one cannot do without facing the ultimate punishment, which of course is what we loosely call Jail.
At least make sure you know when the statute of limitations runs in your state on such a claim.
Here it is two years so it’s not Forever you can decide, and also …
…the sooner the better, on that Justice Thing of Ours since…
…just think about those other victims out there, unable to do anything BUT THIS!! while unlike them
Eventually — JENNA< EVENTUALLY!! — we will rise to our feet.
As for the Unknown Others out there, I am not so sure at ALL, as look how few voices we are when the picture I have gotten is REALLY WEIRD OUT THERE for relationships! and the fact your ex was able to find ANYBODY to tolerate his behavior, strikes a note of HORROR in me that I know you feel as well.
I have thought also about suing MY ex but he is what we call a Turnip, ha ha, there is no point to getting a civil judgment if your defendant is not OJ or your ex. You will spend 1/3 of the recovery on attorney fees, plus costs! and he will pay NOTHING, in fact I felt grateful (gasp) not to pay him "alimony."
Since after all, what were his EARNINGS?
And mine?
I thought gold-diggers were female, didn't you?! This ugly mole of mine saw one thing and one thing only and although it hurt my feelings, I think Mom said it right:
You were a meal ticket.
OUCH, but yes, RIGHT. Unfortunately the Insect is hungry as ever and running out of all the goo in the cupboard that was SUPPOSED to last a lifetime and it will, so long as he croaks soon.
Janedoe…I had no idea sociopaths existed until a month ago as well. Most of my close friends have no idea what one is. I think learning about what they are should be part of HS curriculum. It’s funny you should ask about my NS’s upbringing, I believe his mother is a sociopath. He has 3 siblings and not one of them talk to their mother. Parents are divorced and my NS was kicked out of the house when he was 15. She targeted him, and kept the rest of her kids. The stories from the family about her are crazy. The family actually moved two towns over and left him behind with another family. This is when I met him. We only dated for 1 month in HS (he cheated on me and stole my virginity…without my approval). 22 years later I date him again. I fought it at first but he persued me and he was so good at what he did. I fell for his love bombing and was engaged to be married 2 years later. I gave the ring back in July and finally kicked him out in November. His sisters and brother hardly talk to him now because they see the pattern. He thinks he’s fooling everyone but I realize that more people than I thought see him for what he truly is. Wish there was a way we could plaster all their faces and names on milk cartons or something.
ACK! you gave the ring back??!!
other than that, DG, my total support. 🙂
DG
i have read upbringing has a lot to do with their behaviour”i suppose if they had a horrendous background it would affect them..i can see where a 15 year old being left behind could damage them, thats a very impressionable age, but then again is this a case of being treated improper or was he born with it?
mine two was mistreated by his mom, never knew his father..he had two brothers and each of them had different fathers.. he was the eldest and somewhat close to his abusive mother who sexually raped him as a child and she went on to commit suicide when he was about 12 and he found her”
he and brothers went on being shifted all over the country from abusive relatives to foster homes..out of all three boys, mine turned out the most “normal”.
same with mine, was he born this way or learned the abuse from his mother? i will never know”he will never know and when i accuse him of being sociopath/narc/psychopath”he actually questions it himself? is this a way to confuse me or is it another lie??? i have recently read an article on “vulernable narcissists” and i wonder if he is that
Lol…funny thing is, I took it off and hid it. He demanded I go get it and I was afraid of him so I did. When he was moving out, he kept it in his wallet within a book of matches. I would take it out some nights and look at it, thinking I should take it again and pretend I have no idea what he’s talking about (he was often drunk and slept heavy). I guess I just felt like that would be dishonest so I didn’t. Meanwhile he was trying to steal my money from behind my back. Where’s the Irony?…lol
We have totally lost the traditional meaning of the ring, ha ha.
It’s supposed to be “earnest money deposit” against the try-out.
If the guy is heinous, the lady keeps the ring (it’s the least he can do).
If the chick says Ewww! she gives the ring back (it’s the least SHE can do).
I think in this case I deserved the ring.
me too.
NC, DG
me three!!!
So I know I won’t be hearing from my N as long as I lay low. However, I know I will be hearing from him in the spring and I could use some advice. See, when I sold my house with my ex husband we each walked away with some cash (one reason my NS was attracted to me). I had always wanted a boat so during our first year, my NS and I bought one. Well, let’s be honest, even though he makes twice what I make, I paid 24k cash (my money) and put it in my name. I paid 2k for the Marina slip 2 years in a row, $800 insurance 3 years in a row and most of the gas money. He gave me $6,500 and when we did upgrades he paid for less than half every time. He also lived with me rent free and utility free for over 3 years. He only paid for my cell phone (so he could control the family plan) and only the last year did he pay for electricity sometimes. I know…I’m stupid but he really talked his way out of everything. He bought me gifts he said but I bought him gifts too. We split groceries and restaurant bills.
The advice I need is that he believes half the boat is his. I have it shrink wrapped and watched. I’m going to sell it come spring but I am not planning on giving the con artist a cent. He lived here free basically and left me broke. I know he is going to be angry…He has threatened to take me to court which so far has been a bailiff. I’m not sure what to do…
It may be worth a short meeting with a good attorney (find the best – it makes a difference), and find out what the laws and the courts in your location are that apply to your situation. There may be something you can do to protect your rights to the sale proceeds; or maybe you don’t have to do anything. I’m not an attorney but it seems logical if it’s in your name and you were not married to the spath (is that right?) that you don’t owe him anything unless you have a provable agreement otherwise. It’s worth a 30 minute conversation with a good lawyer for peace of mind, and if your ex spath keeps hassling you about the boat you can tell him you’ve consulted an attorney and he doesn’t have a valid legal claim to it (if that’s the case).
Thanks AnnettePK. I will contact one to ask questions. You’re right, it couldn’t hurt.
DG-
Annette’s given you good advice. If you’re married, one set of rules apply. If you weren’t married, it’s another. and depends on whose name the property is actually in and whether you had any specific agreements regarding the ownership.
Joyce
DG, ask your attorney to not only advise you in regard to whether he could possibly make a claim against you and if not, to write the guy and threaten him not to harass you anymore about the issue or see an attorney within the next 15 (or whatever) days, at which you will conclude the matter is over, period.
In other words, this is a state-by-state matter, it doesn’t sound as though he’s doing anything but driving you nuts, but as someone “close to the game” make sure you come away (if possible) with more than just advice, and specifically progress on your concerns which are to make the guy shut up, or face a threat of suit for defamation, fraud or whatever your atty thinks appropriate.
DG
I agree with Annette about getting legal advice but I’d take it one step further and ask what you are legally obligated to say to him. If he has NO legal claim (not likely since his name isn’t on anything and he didn’t have you sign loan papers so his contribution is a “gift”, seems to me you can remain NC. I say that b/c to say anything is to give him warning and incur his wrath. If he has no claim, and you can move it before selling it so he doesn’t know where it is, I’d do that. Otherwise, I’d worry that he’d rather burn it than let you sell it. They don’t care about legal rights, ya know.