UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Bluff..not bailiff
Jane doe
Very interesting. Are they born like this ? My ex was totally ignored as a middle child of 5 kids. His father was very abusive to his mother and eventually discarded the family for a young co worker. He also did in a cruel way. Took the mother out for dinner on their 25 th anniversary and told her “I don’t love you anymore , I am out of here .” To this day his mother is a bitter, angry woman. I don’t want to be like this. I will never talk to or see my ex again but I do not want to be like his mother. By the way his father is on his 4th or 5th marriage. The one with the young co worker did not work out. His mother told me that the entire town knew about it, except for her. I meg his father only once and he was about the cruelest person in his family . By the way my ex looked exactly like him, just a younger version.
He claimed that he had an affair because the mother got old and would not give him any sex. Just the same blaming. The other kids are all messed up also. One of the brothers is verbally abusive to his wife,the others ones have problems. I was never close to his family and only met them a few times as we he was in the army and we always lived far away. What baffled me is that not once did anyone call to ask if he was ok while he was deployed in a war zone. Nothing. Very strange.
My ex actually repeated his fathers behavior down to every detail. Even more evil but basically the same. A person he never had any respect for.
But of course I am mentally ill , he had to leave because of that. Lies, all lies. I truly hope my only child, my son, will not follow this horrible pattern. So far he is very much like me, humble and caring. But it is still a big worry of mine.
I remember my ex saying “I will never be like my father “. Yeah right. All lies
I see it also as a karmic thing, since the man who adopted my spath ex was also a spath. I do not believe this was “taught to him” but rather that some “magnetic” or whatever influence, brought them together —
Such that now the ex is “acting out” EXACTLY like his horrid father who used him as an example of What I Don’t Like About The Kids I Adopted, and even verbalized that he’d wished he hadn’t adopted those kids — EITHER of them! — at all.
The adopting parents, in other words, were not without their own foibles coming in. The father had come home at some point in his mid-teens to find that his mother had (purportedly, and in his memory anyway) left their home, moved out, and no forwarding address to follow her. He’d been abandoned, and joined the Army as a result. That was his BASIS coming in and so whatever was wrong with my ex (which I figure was plenty, and as I said above HAVE COME TO STRONGLY AGREE WITH JENNA’s STATEMENT that there is Something Wrong With Them) was made worse by that couple.
It is with a grave sense of loss and failure, that I have had to report on these pages that I believe the N or Spath genes have manifested in my own daughters and that further, my maternal parenting of them does not seem to have impressed their real psyches as much as the males in their life.
Hi everyone, Happy New Year, haven’t posted in awhile but I still read here and there. But I was curious when I saw discussion about spath’s and their families. What if it appears that their parents are normal? Married forever and no abuse that I saw or heard of? But my ex is one seriously disordered evil person!
sasha, I believe that some are simply born that way.
So the rest of the family could be completely normal? Do you think the other family members would know that there was something not right with their sibling? Or son? You would think that after all things I’ve been through with my spath (as we ALL have), that I’d “get” it now but I tell ya, it still sometimes baffles me that they can hide it so well from so many!
Also I start getting confused about the difference between sociopath vs psychopath?
sasha, I don’t think there is any difference but agree with jenna that maybe it hops around within or even skipping generations.
I think I have even seen it Flitting In and Out in my kids, sometimes they are ALL THERE and I can still feel them, and sometimes not. In the latter moments I swear they not only ACT like him but even say his own exact words.
That makes sense skipping a generation.
NC— I’m not sure how old your kids are, but at what point did you start noticing this in them?
Also, I would think that my ex’s parents must have known something wasnt right with him at some point???……
hmmm, good question.
I would say that my older daughter started showing a certain inability to emphathize with my need to work at home as opposed to paying attention to her, around the age of — well, at a young age — before going to school, even.
She would stare at me and later on, it became her father’s stare.
The method used is to ignore and dismiss, what she does not want to hear. This has left her (and others) in a tight spot.
At the same time, the girl has a good heart.
Does that make any sense?
I think it does, he tears at her psyche just like he does mine.
ha ha sasha, if you’d signed on earlier you’d have caught my rant about my in-laws who said ZIP.
NC,yes it does make sense, perfect sense to me.
I guess I was curious because I know it’s said that it can be a genetic thing but also environmental or learned behavior, so I wondered if you think with your children, it was more learned behavior from your ex? I don’t have children but it does break my heart and I can only imagine when you see your children showing signs of that behavior.
sasha, as God is my witness, those kids came out clean and healthy.
Totally.
He taught them, he poisoned them, he has dented their lives.
I completely believe that! They’re so evil!
I think that if your son had spath tendancies, you would have seen evidence of it by now – traits like lying, stealing, manipulation, and cruelty to others. I think it’s unlikely that he would develop those traits later than the teen years.
Also important is if he has friends and values his relationships with his peers. Spaths don’t really have real friendships – they have followers.
hi kaya48
yeh that would make me nervous if i saw my ex’s dysfunctional family”i would run the other way if i had met them first, honestly. when i heard his past, i thought to myself, how did he become so normal??? loll this of course was before i knew what he was capable of and that he was a sociopath”oh and i forgot, he also believes his mother could have been a prostitute for a short time…
maybe it’s possible your ex has lack of respect towards his dad because he left the mother in such a cruel way but in his case the genes kicked in and definitely made him like his dad. the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say” or monkey see, monkey do”i like that one better i think,
I agree with jenna, mine was adopted by a retired US Army Colonel and his school-teacher wife. The older child (a girl) they adopted earlier is fine.
This is off the current topic but I need to get this off my chest. Why does it seem that good, caring, real people seem to be so few and far between? Is it just me??
In my life before the discard, I had everything I wanted – a successful career, a good job, a home I loved, a small circle of friends (I thought), made enough money to have what I wanted and save, and I was very content. I was full of gratitude for this, and instead of wanting more and more, and stepping on people to get it, my thinking was this: I have enough. What others have doesn’t diminish me, and I was in a position to help others, and I did. Not by giving money, but by mentoring, giving good recommendations, giving others the opportunity to shine, assisting wherever I could. I never asked for anything from anyone, and everyone knew I was always there with a helping hand (cough”sucker”cough).
After the discard, and now, when I could use just a little help, there was no one there. Oh, they were there at first, to gawk at the train wreck and say “it would have never happened to me”, etc. Some even encouraged my pain so they could feed off it, but most just disappeared. All I really need/ed was a bit of kindness”a call to keep in touch, maybe ask me about my animals. Ask me what I think about the latest storyline on Grey’s Anatomy. Ask how my mom is doing or if I put in a garden this year. Tell me what’s going on in your life, or some great recipe you tried recently. Just a simple bit of kindness. Something that would cost nothing, that they would have done routinely, back WHEN I WAS IN A POSITION TO HELP THEM.
When I moved back to my home state after the shared house was sold in February, I needed to find a job. I still need to find a job.
So there is this woman I have known for around 15 years. She is in my same field, and I have been able to help her professionally over the years. I considered her a friend, and we met for lunch every few months or so for this entire time. When I moved out of state, she kept in touch via email, and she knows the bare bones of how the discard went down. She knew I was going to move back to my home state. I was happy when she contacted me in the early fall and said we should get together for lunch. She also said that she was working for a new company and if I was looking for a job, she was pretty sure they would be interested in me, in fact, she said her boss was someone who knew me by reputation but we had never met. We set a date to have lunch.
A few days before the lunch, she called and said hey, I forgot to mention Joe Blow is working for the company too (Joe Blow was my boss in the early 90’s at another company). When he heard I was meeting you for lunch, he wanted to know if it was ok to tag along, he is running this location and we have a couple of openings that he thinks you would be perfect for.
My first reaction was oh hell no. Joe Blow is a bit of a jerk. He was always a great boss, but personally a jerk and disrespectful when talking about his wife. The last time I had seen him was in 2000 or so, when I applied for a great position”he was on the interview panel, and I wasn’t selected for the job. He took it upon himself to call me afterward and tell me that due to my “job hopping” (he had no idea my dad had become terminally ill and I had to change jobs to be near him), I not only would have to “hit the ball out of the park” but hit it off the “planet” to ever get offered a job. This stung and I never forgot it. I did get a much better job and go on to a lot of success. Over the years, Mr. Blow acquired quite a reputation as a “job hopper” himself.
So I was reluctant to see him again, but brushed it off because I really needed a job, and what my friend said seemed like it had good potential. So I said ok, bring him along. He spent the entire lunch bragging about how much money he had made (job hopping), how his house was paid off, big cars, blah, blah, blah. He said he was excited about the opportunity for us to work together again and had two positions that were perfect for me. He wanted to know how soon I could start. He asked me to email him my latest resume and he would pass it along to his boss, who would negotiate salary with me, and to expect a call in the next few days to schedule to meet to discuss. I emailed him my resume as soon as I got home.
And all I got was crickets. Not”one”word”back.
My friend and I had scheduled to have lunch two weeks later and when we met, I told her I hadn’t heard anything. She seemed shocked but covered it and said that the boss had been out sick and that might account for the delay. She said to give it a couple more weeks.
Crickets.
I called her to see what she knew and she said that she thought they had filled one of the positions but the other one was still open and they really needed someone. She said she would talk to Blow the next day and see what the holdup was.
Crickets.
I haven’t heard from my friend since. I think this was sometime in late October.
I know I’m paranoid and am looking for red flags everywhere, but I pretty much feel like Blow only wanted to meet with me, knowing I needed a job, gloat about himself, and offer me what amounted to a sure thing knowing he wasn’t ever going to follow up. He knows what a good job I do, and the jobs he had I could do with one hand tied behind my back. I NEEDED that job, dangit.
I would never have lead anyone on that way, would have followed up on the resume I sent with at least a generic, thanks I’ll get back to you, and I’d have let the person know the job was already filled or whatever. But I am a compassionate person and not a jerk.
Thanks for letting me rant. This kind of nonsense is just a by-product of the aftermath of the discard and how so many areas of my life continue to be impacted. It’s exhausting and like I have a sign on my back that says kick me.
HanaleiMoon
I learned LOTS of lessons during my years with my disordered husband.
ONE lesson: Anytime someone volunteers to help me, VOLUNTEERS, they have an agenda to CONTROL what is going to happen TO ME.
I learned to NEVER accept a” favor”, the strings attached would surely strangle me to death.
ps You are not being paranoid, you are reacting normally to carp that does not make sense. You know that kind of carp is sociopathic. Remember you never have anything to lose when you chose to respond with dignity and honor.
pps The only people that comply with a kickme sign on a decent person are bullies and their minions. Would you kick someone or would you pull sign off them? Kinda like, if a woman was dragging TP after leaving the ladies room, would you help her or laugh at her.
HanaleiMoon
I forgot to answer you!
YES, you are right. It really does seem that truly authentically good decent people are far and few between right now.
For proof, try taking a drive. How many are on the phone, totally oblivious to being an obstacle to others, even while in rush hour traffic. Inconsiderate is the norm. Narcissism? The norm. Controlling behavior. Normal.
NWHSOM, I agree, inconsiderate, self absorbed, selfish behavior is the norm.
But here is what worries me (ok, scares me to death) – I know not everyone is that way (we’re not that way), and how on earth do we ever connect with good people like us?
Everyday I see people together. In my neighborhood. At the mall. At the museum where I volunteer. Families and friends. It is very hard for me to believe that all of these people are in shallow, superficial, harmful relationships.
My dad used to say that if you had one or two true friends in your life you were very lucky. I thought he was very cynical, but now I see what he meant.
I’m not looking for a romantic relationship and don’t know if I ever will again. But I’d sure like to have a few friends. Maybe it’s my age, but I’d like to know that I had SOMEONE to call if I needed help.
I can’t believe I’m that much of an oddball.
HanaleiMoon
All those people you see… who are they with? I think in their relationships, they are attached, but a lot of those are shallow and a little on the mutual predatory side… together for what they can get out of it. It really is only a certain segment of the population that values and seeks deep meaningful relationships. We both should make that a goal this year, to pursue friendships with people who share our interests.
For solo people like me who’s entire social structure was destroyed by a sociopath, I could die and no one would know for quite a while, there’s nothing to trigger anyone to check on me. Maybe I should get a bunch of cats. haha.
NWHSOM, I see couples, both younger and older. I see families. I see girlfriends together (and men friends too). In the museum setting where I talk to people all day long, I envy their seeming “nomalness” (of course, I realize I appear to be “normal” and actually very happy and self confident to them). A couple of weeks ago a man handed me his baby for a few minutes and I almost couldn’t keep it together, it had been so long since I had actually touched another human being.
Ack!! I do NOT want to be a weirdo!!
I know I’m projecting happy lives on these people and the reality is probably far from that, but sometimes the fact that they take for granted that they have a husband, or a friend, or kids to be out spending the day with just kills me.
I have my mom and we talk daily, but beyond that, no one would notice if I died. I do have two cats, but they are useless in calling for help in an emergency! Plus, you have to worry about who would take care of them if you DID die.
My goal for LAST year was to pursue friendships with good people”it’s still a priority for this year.
Addendum: Sometimes I think I might want too much out of life. To have meaningful relationships. To truly care for another person who cares for me. I don’t want to stand in the parking lot with shoes and socks on and look at the waves, I want to be IN the waves. I want to help other people, drive down all the interesting looking roads and build a life with people around my table. See, it’s that kind of attitude that made me easy picking for a psychopath. Idealistic dreamer.
HanaleiMoon
I think people who want what you do out of life are the authentic, real, decent people. We need more of this/YOU/Me in this world.
There is NOTHING wrong with your desires. I do understand about how long it’s been since I’ve been touched. To hold a baby would be SO precious. But I remember how very very lonely it was being married and I wasn’t being touched then either.
Yes, it does seem that psychopaths target the empaths more. I can’t promise I won’t run into another sociopath. But I do know that I won’t take it personally ever again. There is nothing immoral or wrong with me. If it’s not working for me, I WILL leave sooner, not try to make it work or figure it out. I’ve already decided what is the line that can’t be crossed. It took a long time for me to regain the trust in myself. SO I take that trust out for a spin once in a while. Turns out, I am okay. If I don’t trust someone further than a social event, I’ve still enjoyed the social event and that turns on the good chemicals in my head.
I hope you have success this year. And if not this year, then success may be the next year. I LOVE museums but lets face it, a lot of those art people live in their heads, they are nervous around people. I’ve been told the local theatre group is very social so I am going to volunteer with them this spring. And I joined a walking group. My dog has opened more doors to casual convos around my neighborhood than all the years of walking alone!
The museum I volunteer at is a science and space museum and is mostly hands on exhibits – I picked it specifically as opposed to a quiet, art type museum because I wanted a high energy atmosphere with a lot of human interaction. Some days it’s a madhouse in there!
Getting a dog is high on my list – I know it’s true that they are great conversation starters. I was going to get one when my ex and I bought the new house and then when things fell apart, it wasn’t the right time. I can’t have one where I am living now, and as soon as I buy a place of my own (finding that is my number one priority above all else) I will be adopting one!!
Thanks for all your support, NWHSOM!
HanaleiMoon…Blow sounds like a shithead and not like a person you would want to ever call your boss! And if that friend just cut you off then they aren’t a real friend. Try not to hold on the the angry feelings…they are not worth your precious energy. I know its hard…trust right now is SO hard in every situation…it is really hard to accept that there Are such horrible effed up people in this world…but as someone just said to me…once you take your head out of the sand you can’t stick it back in…meaning we have all learned and become aware of So much…like that these sociopaths not only exist but warning signs to look out for to make smarter, stronger, safer. I guess the point is that I know you May have really wanted that job…but you don’t wanna put your self in another situation where you are abused or not valued. He sounds like a complete narcissist! Screw them!! You deserve way BETTER!! Trust your gut…if nothing else.
eyesopen123
I like what you wrote.
The way I look at it when people pull this crap: “thanks for showing me your true colors”. Nuttin more need be said.
Eyesopen, you’re right, Blow IS a shithead. In fact, that is the sole reason I moved on from that job years ago when he was my boss. When I saw him when I walked into that interview back in 2000, my heart sank. And this last time when my friend said he wanted to tag along for lunch, I wanted to say NO!
My instincts were right. And yes, that friend isn’t a friend.
Back to the drawing board”again.
It actually has a name: duper’s delight.
Now you know why it drives me totally insane when the kids snuggle up to him for Christmas and whatnot…
it is the CHERRY on his duper’s DELIGHT.
Then they rub whipped cream in my face and I am DONE.
Jenna23 and NoContact,
It’s my ex favorite form of “WINNING”, when he took my dearest daughter and used her to destroy my well being. His second fav form? When he was able to manipulate others into making choices that harmed or abused themselves. Finally… There’s nothing like a “WIN” if their victim would commit suicide, my ex wanted the ultimate “WIN”, my death.
I’m so sorry Jenna, but yes.
There is a “thrill” to sadism that we don’t get, and don’t want to. We don’t get masochism either, evidently some others do.
ha ha hope you were prepared to say YUCK.
Yeah I think if you look up Soul-less Asshole, that will be my ex’s face.
As ugly Inside as he is Outside.
Anette
Thank you for your comment. My son never showed any signs. He is now 20 in his junior year of college and a great, loving son 🙂
Not,
My ex wanted his ultimate goal also , my”death”. He tried so hard to upset me, to raise my blood pressure , to tell me I am worthless , mentally ill, and so on. He would have loved me to have a stroke or heart attack. When I was hospitalized with extreme hypertension once , he was happy. He told the cardiologist “there is nothing wrong with her , it’s all imagination , it’s in her head, she is mental,”. The cardiologist later told me “he never heard a husband saying such ugly things “. By the way , my family doctor is so happy I divorced that evil monster. His words were “he was on the right path to destroy you, you are so lucky.”
Indeed I am. So thankful minion with her sexy long hair and deputy’s uniform came along. He could not resist her but at the same time he set me free.