UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
All I can say LadyA is keep going forward, find a group in your area or online (like here 🙂 and listen and learn. And if I can point out something you should be very proud of – you only let him toy with you for 6 month. Mine was over 14 yrs. Many on this site spent DECADES!! We are doctors, lawyers, LSW, professors – you name it and we all got taken in. Bravo for you LadyA. You are young, no disrespect intended, but just a babe, but what wisdom you know possess. Don’t waste it. Put that up there alongside your other strengths and achievements and more than anything remind yourself that you are HUMAN and that this will not be your first mistake in life, but it is our mistakes that teach us the lessoms we need to learn and shape us into the people we need to become.
Hanalei
I am so grateful for my pets. They love you unconditionally. They would never lie, betray or cheat. And I was so lonely in my marriage , there was no real feelings from him , no sincere embraces. I am so thankful that I don’t have to play “detective ” anymore. It was so exhausting.
And yes it is difficult to have true friends. How about church ? Most of my friends are married and have their own families. But I am alive and blessed and my life so much better. Even my pets are happier and more relaxed and at peace. That old life was so much drama and chaos. Sometimes I am in awe that I escaped it. Isn’t it wonderful not to see his evil face every morning ? I don’t miss it one minute. I don’t miss nothing about him because nothing was real and sincere. It was all about his needs, his pervertness. Yuck
Kaya, I agree, I don’t miss the relationship with him at all, and don’t wish for another bad one.
I think part of my problem right now is that I am missing my career/job and sense of community that I lost with the discard, and haven’t been able to get back up to speed yet with the aftermath and then moving and not being where I will be staying permanently. This should all start to work itself out as I move forward.
Jenna you are so right. The trust issue is huge. Even though I remained strong and confident , I can’t even imagine a new relationship. I trusted this man for over 20 years and had no idea what he was doing behind my back it even with me in the same house. For 20 long years I completely trusted him. Him cheating on me never came into my mind even though when he was deployed for years. I now know that he betrayed me with female soldiers in his unit , with other soldiers wives, with his cop co workers and probably many more.
Hanalei , I still have days when I question “what happened to my life”? It will be 2 years in March. But at times it is still difficult. I don’t so much ask the “why” anymore because I know he is a sociopath. Do I get a little pleasure out of his begging and crying about losing his son ? Absolutely. I hope this does not make me a bad person.
I too wish we would live closer so we could meet. Maybe someday we could arrange a LF meeting in a central place ???
Yeah, and I’ve already toldya — we will also invite the spath and only one guy will show up.
We all call him something else, that Lizard with WAY too many Faces and Secret Lives. 🙂
True, the same guy, different names. I am also 49 and he stole 20 plus years from my life. He subjected me to decreases and played with my life. In the end, he will destroy himself. His true colors will come out eventually, he will cheat on her or whomever. What kind of wonan would start an affair with a coworker knowing he is married with family ? Only a very insecure person, maybe a sociopath herself. Truly not someone you would want trust and build a future. But I don’t put any blame on her. He was the one who vowed to love and cherish me. She is nothing special, just someone available.
I still think, we as women in general should stick together and not mess around with a married man. She got what she asked for. He can cuss her out now when it’s too windy at the beach or when something breaks it when he is in a bad mood or when his son won’t talk to him. Thank God , it’s not me anymore. Sometimes I actually laugh about how pathetic both of them are. Like someone here said “they deserve each other”. I always thought I don’t deserve all this. The truth is he never deserved me and his son. He deserved a little whore like her. And that’s what he got now. 🙂
Jenna
Yes 75 probably too old to cheat it you never know. Just like my ex’s father,on his 4th or 5th marriage. And yes, he will do it to her. It she might find someone younger, better looking, wealthier and replaces him. But wait , he is Cpt America, who would not want him?
I was thinking about he was hiding me for slmost the entire marriage. I never met any of his friends or co workers. Especially after he retired from the military. I was always the “mystery wife”. Never invited to a christmad party, nothing. I remember him high g the invitation to me for his police academy graduation. I found it a day before thf graduation and confronted him. He was so upset that I was invited. Then he said “well you can go “. Yeah right, I told him to f…. Off. I did not go because it was so obvious he did not want me there.
Looking back he probably had affairs with the female cops in the class. Yuck.
Like I said, I miss nothing about him. There were no good times. When I thought everything was ok, he came up with some stupid crap. “Wow, you are so old and boring , you look like a lesbian , your hair is so short “. There,I was crying again and he was happy. I could see the satisfaction in his cold eyes.
Now ,no one makes me cry. I smile every day I wake up and thank God did giving me strength through this storm.
My ex psychopath did the same thing – hid invitations from me, didn’t tell me when we were invited to people’s homes, his mom’s for dinner, church brethren’s homes, his daughter’s baptism even. He went alone and told them I refused to come. It turned people against me and kept me isolated. I felt bad for a few years that some people had the wrong idea about me, that some acquaintances believed I’m an awful person, but I don’t really care now. I have enough real friends, and it’s not anyone’s fault except the psychopath’s that they think bad of me. They are victims of the loss of a me as a friend.
Jenna it sounds to me (and please know, I am so sympathetic!) that you have just been re-traumatized by seeing your attacker and knowing you can’t go to your RE office without being subjected to it in the future, so your brain is wiggling around up there looking for a safe place to land.
It would be my strong suggestion that you hang your license elsewhere so that at least that place is safe for you to visit.
Meanwhile, Please TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF! since you just were hit by a truck and that is how your body feels. It is an ASSAULT to see our rapist walking around, free. That is an OK way for you to feel and in fact if you didn’t there would be something WRONG with you, instead there’s not so YOU ARE OFFENDED FROM THE CORE POSITION by seeing him “living on” while so much of you has been left damaged and traumatized.
If it’s possible, call a friend and see if they can use a broker, YOU KNOW THEY CAN! and would be thrilled to see your name among their own…..and NOT beside a rapist creep like that. Your body is also objecting in its own way, to being associated with his METHODS and so it is saying NO JENNA I do not want to DO that to people!!! please don’t make me, I don’t want to be like him.
jenna, I am a horse trainer, do you have any horses nearby? how about a zoo? riding stable? any place where you can get AWAY from the HUMANS for awhile?
Jenna please let me also point out: it is especially traumatizing that you would be subjected to that person while in the course of attending an innocent occasion like enjoying your granddaughter at her basketball practice meeting.
Of all the benign, happy stuff we are to look FORWARD to, Jenna!! I am much older than you but STILL have no grandbabies and if he is still making my life toxic when they are here (I pray that they WILL BE!!!) I will have snuffed him out myself on the day they were born, rather than endure a single moment of his poisonous influence on them or their parents.
So it possible, it would also be my suggestion that you move from your personal residence or at least take a different route EACH TIME you are with that precious grandbaby!! so that at the VERY LEAST you absolutely, positively, totally, one hundred percent can ENJOY THAT TIME. With no fear at all (that is what you are experiencing so call it what it is) that you will have to see a living snake in a human skin suit. Of COURSE that is traumatizing to you, and especially if your granddaughter needs you for protection as a Social Unit that represents SAFETY AND HEALTH TO HER and also, for the same reasons, FOR YOURSELF.
It would be my hope that you never drive by that place again, and I mean never ever never ever never ever EVER.
Good for you, YES, get out of there!!!
It is better you are HEALTHY for yourself and all those who need you, than to be where you are and stuck.
Jenna please do not FEEL BAD!! as I have remained stuck for YEARS upon YEARS!!! and my hatred for myself is SEVERE for having done so, thinking (??) it was the best or ONLY thing I could do.
See yourself in context: you are a survivor AND I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU. The mistakes that I did not figure out for DECADES, you saw for yourself in just MONTHS, so imagine how…
well….imagine Me, dear.
AND GET YOURSELF OUTTA THERE!!!
If it’s not too cold, put your and baby’s coats on and take a little walk. Skip and play hop-scotch and REMEMBER ME.
It seems like the opportunity to move away is something to be grateful for.
You’re a good grandma to be concerned about how your sadness affects your granddaughter. If you assure her you’re in control of the situation even if you’re feeling sad, she’ll feel safe.
Jenna, I am proud of you! It’s HORRIBLE that you saw him today, and traumatic, and I’m not minimizing that one bit, but I bet you’re not really back at square one. Set back, yes, but not to square one. I think you’re handling this like a champ and I’ve been reading this site long enough to know that MANY women’s reaction when contact is broken in the early days is to lament that they’re not with him and think about the so called “good” parts of the relationship. Instead, YOU, oh strong one, are thinking about YOUR future and planning a move to a place where you know life will be better. You put in a call to your counselor. You are taking care of yourself. It may not feel like it to you right now, but you are, with every breath you take, putting this behind you.
Listen to these two songs. I keep them in my rotation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0BWlvnBmIE
Personally, I believe that it would be fine to tell the child that you had a friend who hurt your feelings, and that is why you have been upset, so she will know.
Commensurately, you can of course point out that is a joy for you to be with HER since she did not hurt your feelings.
This is also, maybe, God’s way of ensuring that YOU teach the morals you wish that you’d been the beneficiary of yourself, and of emphasizing the focus on compassion as opposed to confusion and anger within her — since she can RELATE I am sure to “feeling left out” and THAT is the basis I would probably start with, in simply explaining why Grandma is upset.
I would affirmatively say something, so she knows it is nothing to do with her, and in fact she is someone you can trust not to hurt your feelings, and so she will doubtless want to hug you and tell you: I would NEVER do that to you myself.
Even at a very young age, people know: it is WRONG to hurt other peoples’ feelings, and especially TO DO IT ON PURPOSE and not just ONE TIME but MORE THAN ONCE, and when kids hear this is what happened they are bound to reach out and say OH I THINK THAT IS AWFUL!! and then your heart will receive the Healing she wants for you, as opposed to the WhateverItIs that these monsters dispense instead.
aw, I hope to have a little one in my life again someday too.
Jenna in case HM is not online I am butting in, to say
1. You are crying because you have been hurt
2. YES, he DID abuse you, lie to you, and cheat on you. That is the hurt you experienced and it is worth than a living hell.
3. How can you say Farewell and It’s TRASH without figuring out how to avoid other fake people and still being able to trust yourself and other (I know it seems impossible just now) partners in the future? That’s why.
4. You are NOT an emotional mess! rather (please read this aloud) YOU ARE HAVING A REASONABLE, RATIONAL REACTION TO AN UNREASONABLE, IRRATIONAL EXPERIENCE!!! and so OF COURSE you are upset again to see the dude who hurt you.
Heck, I am hurt MYSELF for ya, girl! and I don’t even KNOW him!!
just knowing YOU saw him makes my heart ache for you as I KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE!!! and no matter how abusive and malicious my ex has been, he STILL expects me to want him, the PAIN IS INCREDIBLE!! but hang in there…….
5. The PTSD and emptiness are NOT unreal, that is the problem, lthey are Real instead and require further treatment, THAT IS THE DRUGS ADJUSTING and unfortunately this is the “state of the art” JUST NOW! but for future generations, it’s hoped that with our prayers there will be not just better drugs BUT PRISONS for these people.
6. That is why it has not “just gone away,” because it is a crime and you were victimized. And not a minor crime, but a MAJOR CRIME!
7. OK you have got me here, and so now I am stuck along with you Jenna dear, so at least let us be United In This FIX. MY EX NEEDS TO BE ARRESTED AND IF HE IS NOT, I WILL HAVE TO MOVE AWAY AGAIN!!! and this time to a location that even my OWN CHILDREN will not know……
SO DO CONSIDER RECEIVING JUSTICE FOR YOUR BODILY INJURIES AS WELL AS YOUR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS attendant to those injuries, and meanwhile
NO YOU ARE NOT HAVING, NOR ARE YOU HEADED FOR, a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!
BELIEVE IT OR NOT I think both our ex’s are headed for the Tank of Sewage and are not very far away either, however the WAIT for that is a STONEWALLING that is abusive all on its own.
In your personal case, get out a bottle of wine or whatever ya got in there JUST FOR TONITE and celebrate the fact you are not the rich woman who had to PAY TO BE RAPED since that is exactly how I feel myself, and knowing your ex had plundered someone like that is JUST the sort of thing these jerkoffs do.
NC thanks for butting in with those great points!!!
Jenna, write this on post-its if you have to: Normal people do not walk way from relationships with no notice, no explanation, no nothing and act like nothing happened. This was one of the hardest concepts for me to get down, I spent MONTHS asking how he could have done this, and once I got it, I really got it.
I can’t emphasize NC’s point #4 enough: How you are feeling and reacting is normal!!!
I don’t want to make light, because I’m not a professional, but my therapist told me that if I had the clarity to ask myself if I was having a nervous breakdown, then I certainly was not.