UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jenna, it’s good that you checked in with your counselor – she can help you deal with all the feelings you’re having.
I would have gone home and cried too. You answered your own question – you are crying because he was awful and abusive and lying and cheating. You ARE saying good riddance and moving past it, but IT TAKES TIME. A LOT OF IT. It can’t just go away because you are a good, normal, loving and caring person and this is how normal people react.
He’s walking around like nothing happened because he feels nothing. He’s incapable of it. Mine did the exact same thing.
Have you talked to your counselor? Do you have family to be around tonight?
Yeah I know, my sister told me I only thought my x had committed a murder because my feelings were hurt.
I just mean for someone to be around”to watch tv with, to talk about the weather with. They won’t get it the way you do. I went through this 100% alone (still am, essentially), and I’d have given a lot to have another person, who cared about me, around. I am here to tell you that you are fortunate. Even if they don’t get it. As long as they care about you.
Me too, Moon, me too, so hang in there, you are not alone out there. 🙂
Moon. I wish I could say that I can’t relate, but… I do. Wrong is wrong. You write wise words here. People who haven’t been through it don’t get it. (and as someone who has suffered, that’s a GOOD thing.) I have been 100% alone, no mother, no family, no profession. But I do know that I realized what I am made of (took years to figure it out) and NO ONE can ever take that from me EVER.
Good for you to have family jenna23. They are a blessing and you can always write to us b/c we do understand. And get yer hugs and sweet attachment from/to your family.
It’s a blessing that you have family who love you, even if they don’t understand what you’re going through.
It may be helpful to be gentle with yourself and not expect to instantly get over the trauma you’ve experienced. Like when the MD says a broken leg is going to take 3 months to heal, that’s just the way it is. PTSD is an injury resulting from emotional trauma and it takes time and the right care to heal, even though it doesn’t look like a physical injury. Try to take care of yourself with respect to the PTSD the same as you treat yourself for physical injuries.
Knowing how important it is to protect yourself from any kind of contact, you’re sure to do whatever you can to avoid another encounter.
Is there any chance that it wasn’t coincidence? Could he be stalking you/watching you?
Take care. You will feel better. I think you are doing great.
It’s possible it was just coincidence, but it might not be. Spaths don’t think normally; they are crazy. He didn’t throw you away to get rid of you. He likes hurting people. He enjoyed (he did not appreciate) your admiration, love, willingness to do things for him, in the way of wanting to be worshiped. He did not appreciate you in the way of caring about your well being and wanting to make you happy, provide for and protect you. He may be resentful that you no longer are available for him to abuse, and that he no longer has access to you for his control, power and sadism rushes.
He is focused on you or he would not have said the BS stuff he said to your son’s girlfriend at the pizza place. It may not have been a coincidence he went in there when she was working.
If he is thinking about you, he could be dangerous to you. Most victims of pathological love relationships overlook the potential danger the spath could be to them.
It’s worth being aware of. Have you done the threat assessment on Gavin deBecker’s site? It can help clarify one’s thoughts and understanding. I found it empowering in a way, because understanding my enemy helped me keep myself safe.
You are so welcome. I remember the absolute hell it is, when I was going through the time that you are now. A very dark place. It will get better for you. I know that’s not much of a comfort to you now.
Jenna-
People who haven’t experienced rape can be callous toward it. They don’t comprehend the defilement you feel. Everyone here on this site understands what you’re going through and we’re here for you in spirit, even though we can’t be there for you in person.
This monster made you feel powerless. But he didn’t destroy you because you are far more powerful than what he did to you.
You survived his brutality because you are far greater and stronger than the worst villain he could be.
He is a nothing. You are everything. You are a survivor.
Your family loves you even if they don’t understand. Try not to trouble yourself over their lack of understanding.
People around you want you to feel better. They may not know that in order to do so, you have to heal and that will take time and therapy. You are doing everything you need to do.
Expect to be rattled when you see him. But you have far more in your life that’s good and decent than what that monster took from you.
He is nothing. You are everything. You are a survivor.
Joyce
Sleep will help you heal. And every day inches you further away from that monster.
All the best!
Joyce
Jenna
I think that Hanalei and no contact are giving you great advice. And I persobalky think that you are handling all this in a very strong , confident way. I remember any little encounter with him felt like another stab into my heart. More bleeding and it would take a while to make the bleeding stop. I always thought “I just put a bandaid on until the bleeding stops “.
I am so very sorry about what he did to you . You say you live 5 minutes away from him. That’s very close. How long were young and him together ?
You know what I once did , right after the discard. I am sti ashamed of admitting that I asked my evil ex husband if he wanted to spend a day at the beach. Bacj you believe this? After he walked out on us, tried to have me committed , I asked him that. After he met me at the beach and bashed me for hours, had me in tears , I drove home. And still I did not see the light.
You, on the other hand , already realize and accept his evilness. So much smarter than what I was. Keep up the good work. It took me exactly 3 months to realize that “this was over”. Maybe another 3 months to accept I am better of without him. Now, I am one hundred percent sure that divorcing him was my only option. There was never hope in this marriage, it was over the day I met him. The day I married him I made it official that I entered “hell on earth “.
I will keep praying for you.
You are dealing with ‘intrusive thoughts’ really well; you are using logic while being aware of your feelings.
Yes, he’s a criminal monster, and you were a crime victim. You are experiencing the trauma of his criminal actions, an you will get over it and get yourself back.
It is likely he doesn’t hate you. Spaths kind of enjoy the game playing cruelty and sadism they do. Like a cat playing with a mouse, the cat doesn’t really hate the mouse – the cat just enjoys playing games with it. In any case your ex spath is not human, just some demon tapped into the forces of evil.
That’s a good strategy. Greyrock is a tactic that works with spaths; it’s another good strategy to get rid of them. They can be very difficult to get rid of once they focus on someone. Try to be as invisible as possible to the spath. He will be ‘attracted’ to you to victimize by any kind of emotion you show that’s about him, and by his perception as to whether he thinks he can ‘hook’ you in any way about anything. Any kind of game he can engage you in, like freaking you out by showing up places you or your friends and family are.
Consider what he knows about your regular habits and what he thinks about where you might be going and doing. This can help you avoid him.
jenna23
Oh that would be SO good jenna23, to do greyrock to him. Sociopaths want SO MUCH to feed off misery. To be denied reveling in your misery is about the worst thing for them. It hurts. I am sorry for that. I can’t do anything to lessen your pain and that bothers me. But I can fully support the things you can do that I know will strengthen your spirit and making face that does not acknowledge HIM is one of those methods. If you EVER see him, be frozen and walk away, give him NOTHING. Let his EVIL EAT AIR.
I know what you mean kaya48
I tried and tried with my ex. Tried to fix it. Tried to get him to understand not to be a certain way towards me. Tried to not be “that bi*”. Tried to swallow my pride b/c I was told it was pride that made my ex go looking for a woman of worth. All I ended up doing was shaming myself, humiliating myself. It wasn’t until I got it, finally GOT that it wasn’t ME, that my marriage problems was b/c there was something wrong with a man who would EVER do those humiliating, degrading things to a woman who loved her husband with all her heart.
There’s NO fixing a sociopath. And I was not the one who was ever a sociopath. I could do EVERYTHING right and things would have still turned out as they did because… the problem with US was NOT ME.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your stuff ; they comfort me .”
Psalm 23:4
THE GOOD NEWS IS – WHEREVER THERE IS A SHADOW, THERE HAS TO BE LIGHT.
YES! and I also have found great strength and comfort in Psalm 91 attached, as under His wings shall I trust! and for those of us with children and/or grandchildren and/or close friends and/or living parents, caring communities and countries, it is not a choice to die by our OWN hands instead, although there is no question that is what THEY WANT.
http://www.battleinchrist.com/psalm_91_gods_protection.htm#II._KINGS_JAMES_VERSION_
According to the Bible, God promises justice, but not necessarily in our lifetime. His plan has a timetable that includes eternity. Trusting God and having patience, being grateful for the good gifts we have received, bring me a measure of peace, but it’s not easy to bring my mind around to thinking of things according to God’s will. For me, prayer and learning about God’s way of thinking through Bible study helps me beyond anything else. I have found answers to some of my questions like yours, but not always right away.
God says “Vengeance is mine. I will repay.” (Romans 12:19) It’s a promise, but it’s according to God’s time.
aw Jenna, I feel your pain.
But life is inherently unfair.
Just the fact we got (it’s hoped) all four limbs, eyesight, hearing and voices — that is a really big deal to Nature and she does not have this psychopath thing worked out just yet, I think it is up to us as a Society to say NO and so long as they are bigwigs out there and other victims are readily available to them, that has been a hard message to get across (to say the least).
When I cried and grieved the ‘relationship’ I lost, it was because I had loved and bonded to whom I believed my ex psychopath to be. I lost that and it’s a real loss. Loss of the expectation that he was who he said he was and that he would keep his promises and that he meant what he said. I grieved being betrayed, being devalued, and the loss of what I thought was real.
Have you tried the audio for healing the aftermath of pathological love relationships from the Saferelationships.com site? It worked so well for me, and apparently many others.
I think it’s worth trying that audio because you are so motivated to stop feeling the way you do, and get to feeling indifferent which is what it is designed to do.
Many victims get to feeling indifferent. It’s taking me years, but I’ve noticed myself feeling sort of indifferent. I’ll never forget nor condone what my ex spath did and is doing, but I’m more emotionally indifferent. The sadness I feel at him victimizing others and continuing his smear campaign is less personal to me than it was at first.
Like most healing, it’s so gradual one doesn’t notice it very much as you go along, just when you look back over months.
In the beginning I felt worse for awhile as I realized how damaged I was, before I started feeling better.
AnnettePK
I have looked for that audio. Are you talking about something that is free or the one that is for sale? It is a very good website, very empowering, and a great tool along with LF that has people on her who understand.
This one. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships
It costs $25, but it was worth it for me, and it’s a good organization to spend my money on, too. It relieved a degree of my agony immediately, an over time empowered me and helped me enormously to recover. It may not work for everyone, but it was the number one help for me.
There’s a free sample.
jenna23
They KNOW that indifference is cruel because they do it to US. So… if you are able to greyrock HIM and appear indifferent, he may not show it but yes, it bothers them. After all, they are after our PAIN and if we don’t show any, they LOSE. You can cry elsewhere, or share here on LF but deny him what he most desires. (bwahhahaha… my personal evil laugh at jenna23 thwarting a violent rapist having any jollies)
jenna23
You are right. Face to face is different. All I could do was look down and walk away. All he saw was the back of me. That’s enough to deny them their jollies.
Can you imagine anyone having been abused and raped as you were, who would not be upset to the point of hysterics at unexpectedly seeing their abuser leering at them?
It’s normal to have the exact same reaction as you’re having – it’s classic PTSD. If there is anything you can do to avoid seeing him (there may not be) it’s worth any extra trouble.
jenna23
I can’t begin to verbalize how much I feel for you. What he did was beyond horrendous. But I am glad for you to move. I can hardly wait for you to get some space and time, and heal a bit so that you can THINK. It’s really hard to think when you are in the middle of the trauma. It’s my opinion (HA. we know what that’s worth), but when you are in a space to do some serious interspection, you will become a force that he will not want to face. And YOU may not be his comeuppance, but it’s coming. He is the type to do this to others. AND from that, GOD will deal with HIM.
Best,
NWHESOM (raped at 15 by a thug who was paid $20 by my dirty old man neighbor to take my virginity b/c he was a pedo that was angry I wouldn’t sell myself to him. Yes. My dignity, my soul, was worth only a Lousy $20. But… God has taken care of him since then.)
Get your space jenna23, to heal. I promise you will BE a woman to hear YOU ROAR. There is no moving past being violently raped. But there is recovery and reclaiming WHO YOU ARE. HE’s a FN psycho. His time is coming. GOD will see to that.
Jenna
Be very,very careful about him threatening you with the police. I know my ex, who was the police or still is, threatened me with it and the next thing I knew was being in court to defend myself against donestic violence charges. It cost me 1400$ for my lawyer , maybe 30 minutes in court, to have it dismissed. They will try everything to destroy you. Because I contacted him he felt “threatened ” by me.
This court date was the day I filed for divorce. It showed me the extent he was capable of to put me away. For good.
My son, his only child, had to testify against him. It was a horrible day but atcthecsane time it opened my eyes. Walking out of the court my lawyer asked me “are you ready now to file?” I was more than ready.
And yes, I tried and tried so hard to save this marriage,this family. You can’t save anything that was never there .
I was in so much agony. But Jenna please believe me that God will take care of everything. Now , 2 years later I can finally laugh about it. How he begs and cries because we don’t talk to him. Did I think that day would ever come ? No, my thought was “God , where are you?” God was looking out for me. God was taking away what was not good for me.
In a year or 2 you will see. Taralev was one of the ladies here. She is ok now. I remember her being where you are now.
Stay strong, do not give him any opportunity to file charges against you. They feed on drama and control bbuevd me , my ex is a cop and a sociopath. How worse can it get ??
You will be ok. It’s just such a difficult path to travel. A trial you never wanted. I now know that it made me so much more confident , resilient and ready for anything. Bring it on. This is my new motto. 🙂
jenna23
While it was the decent thing to report him to those women, your job until it is completed, is to focus on YOU. The violent crime committed on you was recent. You will NOT get over it in a day, or just with some magic words. There are NO WORDS that help you past it. There is therapy, and time, and SELF CARE.
Any other victims are on their own. Save YOURSELF. You have to put on the oxygen mask and ONLY when you are safe, can you look beyond Your safety.
jenna23
I will say that my ex smeared me. He gaslighted me. He’d say things right before we’d walk into a room or right when I walked into a room. The feeling was like pulling the proverbial rug from under me and people were manipulated into thinking bad things about me.
Now, I have recovered myself and being myself and people are re-writing their opinions. That’s nice if they do but I no longer care what others opinions are of me.
It’s MY opinion of MYSELF that matters to me FIRST. ANd after years of abuse, I had lost my self respect. I got it back and that’s how I know YOU were the victim of a violent crime and the LAW denied you, but… yes, in spite of my statements thinking it could never happen, KARMA does remember.
KARMA bides it’s time. (Actually I believe in GOD, and I gave it all to GOD.) Remember HE’s THE SAME HIM (your rapist) and so he actually screws himself. My ex tried to smear me and eventually people told HIM that his wife was SO crazy she moved 2000 miles away, that I was not his excuse anymore. BELIEVE ME. You are NOT the only person he has raped. His hatred is enormous. Like Bill Cosby FINALLY has the spotlight of truth on HIM, so will the sociopath who raped you will be brought into the light for the world to point at and ridicule. They can get away with a lot when they look good. They don’t get much of a pass as time goes on.
Remember. YOU’VE escaped from EVIL can recover from him. HE can NEVER escape from himself. He an eeewwwwwww. Now THAT is true hell.
For what it’s worth (I’m not an attorney), I don’t think it makes any legal sense whatsoever for the OW to make a police report over you contacting them. There’s nothing illegal to report. If he has a restraining order against you, it has nothing to do with your interactions with those OW. They would need to get their own restraining orders, which has nothing to do with them.
It’s just the spath’s endless game playing manipulating people against each other.
jenna23
He’s not scared. He’s predatory. And an opportunist. Watching for ways to hurt you so he can get his jollies. Which means he is predictably unpredictable. Be as a stone to him. Leave immediately but without tears or emotion. He can’t try to hang you for something you refuse to be manipulated into doing. IT’s ALL a game, a headtrip to a sociopath. If you can be as a rock and depart whenever you see him, you will deny him the opportunity to take advantage. Greyrock means a sociopath can not predict you or goad you. They NEED drama in order to know what works to create harm. That’s one reason why it is so powerful a method for NOT FEEDING THE SNAKE.