UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jane doe
Wow, he attached a picture. What a jerk. Yes, they love to see themselves on pictures, mirrors anywhere. It’s like it reaffirms how sexy and hot they think they are. Like my ex and his picture taking. Before I found her pictures and only his, he said they were suppose to be my birthday present. I was married over 20 years and I knew exactly how he looked like, why would I need or like naked pictures of him?
Does he have access to your facebook ? I would block or delete it. Hd can maybe access it through friends.
kaya48
do they really think we fell for the pictures being for us?? pleaseeee….he used to use that crap all the time with me…it would go straight into a file he kept and named something with a business name so i wouldn’t notice it on his computer until he opened it one day in front of me accidentally..and then said “but it was for you” …no it wasn’t for me it was for whoever else he had believing him and his stories…
no access to my fb and he took me off his when and said he was hacked and couldn’t get another acct..that is when i first mentioned the 700 girls he had listed as friends, ..and he is blocked on mine as well..
Jenna
Wow mine has brown eyes also with eye a little lazy. He was addicted to watching porn on the computer, I phone, anytime. Even during days at the beach or fishing. And he always talked about sex, always. Then he would say “but of course you are too tired, I can just go to thf mall, all the women wang to have sex with me “. I must say that even sex was emotion less, robotic and sometimes demeaning and cold. No passion, not even at the beginning of our relationship. It was meaningless. I think he should just stick with sex with prostitutes and never form any relationship. But he has his little minions. I am not sure if they still like as much as before he was court ordered all this alimony to me. His income definetely went down. Lavish cruises and exotic trips, maybe not anymore. I mean he is getting older and he likes the young 20 year olds. A younger guy with more stamin might be more attractive to them. I don’t miss the times when I caught him in the middle of the night watching porn and then saying I was crazy.
They already don’t, they are seeing the Green. $$
Mine had just inherited.
OW saw the Green and like yours, it’s not like he was hiding it.
“If you got it, flaunt it” I suppose.
Interesting about the lazy eye. It seems like a lot of spaths have this condition. It’s a problem with the brain.
He will probably target victims who have money and use theirs.
ok gotta jump in here. babydaddy spath was born with strabimus…crossed eye. had surgery quite young n then wore glasses till he refused cuz spaths do watever the hell they want as one parents a spath too usually n lets them. bingo, momma spath didnt ever make her baby do nothing he didnt want to. daddy never acknowledged him. anyway he still has a wandering eye. cant look straight at u.
toooooooo weird so many seem to have said that tonite about the spath they know.
aint
that eye and the colour were probably the spookiest thing about him…i think though he said it was due to a car accident…could be bull anyway
jenna23
didn’t it seem he was almost in another zone or something??
mine looked mesmerized by another thought during all this…it was definitely weird and spooky
So I went out shopping for a washer and dryer with my mom tonight. Went to Lowe’s first, then went across the street to Home depot to compare prices. Right when I got out of my car, I see a Mercedes and I say to myself…he doesn’t drive the only Mercedes. Walking into the store, I see him at customer service and turn right around. My mom stands there in the doorway and says what? What? Really load. I know he saw her. We got in my car and left. I was shaking like a leaf. It was the time I saw my spath since he left. Did I do the right thing? Should I have gone in and walked right past him and pretended he was not there and that I didn’t recognize him?
I would have done exactly the same thing.
What a nightmare!
Thanks for the affirmation! Needed that.
the spath i wud have walked by n ignored. i am totally disconnected from him. he can be there or not, hes not part of my world.
the npd, i cudnt risk him talking to me, calling me sweetheart. im not there yet. but i will be someday. someday he will just be someone that i used to know.
i would have to turn around and walk out too. but i cudnt live near him at all. we are an hr apart almost. i cudnt risk running into him all the time or bein close enough to run over there wen im so sad. i still need to move farther away. im working on it but im pretty much destitute so it wud have to be a shelter a few states away. ive been thinking about alot lately. that i need to get farther away. it wont matter as i cant tear him completely out of my heart but it would keep me from being able to see him as i cud never afford to come back.
aintgonnatakeitnomore…you are so right, someday we will be strong enough to treat them like someone we used to know. I am not there yet by any means. I would love to move far away from him but I have a career here and my children have a nice stable environment now, next to family. Unfortunately, he lives two towns away but has lots of family in my town.
DG
Yes you did exactly what YOU had to do for YOU. Our immediate reaction to a situation is generally an instinctual one used to protect ourselves and for our survival. IOW you did the right thing. Don’t second guess yourself and if I am right, don’t let your mom second guess your decision to flee either. This is about you and what makes you feel safe in the present.
Thanks Kendall! I realize that I’m not strong enough to walk by him yet. We’ll get there.
It worked out ok, so you didn’t do the wrong thing. If his presence was making you upset, the best thing you could have done was what you did – protect yourself by getting away from where he was. Since there was no overriding reason you couldn’t leave and go back another day to finish your shopping, I don’t see a down side in leaving.
Pretending he’s not there is too close to the game playing that spaths thrive on. You minimized your encounter which sends an honest and clear and straightforward message that you don’t want to be around him. Best thing you could have done to deny him any access to interacting with you.
Annette, you could not have said this any better. It doesn’t matter how it looks, what anyone thinks or how they might or might not interpret it.
This is such a gem I’m printing it out and saving it.
Wow, Hanalei is right, never thought of it that way. I surely do not want to play his game. I guess I’m still learning to think about me first. Whatever I feel is best for me, I should do. I’ve got to start trusting in myself!
Thanks Annette!!!
DG
i suppose if the tables were turned and HE walked in…if he spoke to you it would be like him trying to “come back” to you…if he turned and walked the other way, it would look like he didn’t care..
think of it that way…you walked away, hopefully he thinks you didn’t care..
So true. Thanks!
That does sound so good jenna. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet. I was shaking like a leaf when I saw him. I have so much raw emotion and haven’t had time to heal yet. Someday though. I hope to be at the point where he can’t effect me. I’m just afraid that day will never come…
I was never able to greyrock my ex psychopath; he was successful at pushing my buttons forever. I had to go no contact. It has been a couple of years since our last in person encounter, but I doubt I would be ok with being around him. Just hearing something about him from someone else makes me sick for a couple of days. I have been ok with email contact regarding logistics and business matters only. I often wait a day or so before replying if I feel triggered. The abuse and exploitation and sadism he did to me is extreme and I don’t really expect to recover in my lifetime. I think that’s asking too much of myself. I accept the PTSD, try to keep it in remission, and so far I am blessed that I do not have to be around him. There may be pressure on me to be in his presence sometime in the future, and if so I plan to do everything I can to avoid him no matter what the cost to me.
I don’t feel like wasting my energy on considering what my ex psychopath thinks, other than to try to keep in mind the risk he may pose to me. There are a number of reasons he probably thinks he would be better off if I didn’t exist; so I try to be careful. He probably thinks that he still has a lot of control and power over me and that I’m still suffering from the discard (not!), and I think I’m probably safer if he thinks that.
Overall, the best way to make the spath think you’re indifferent is when you actually are indifferent and then you won’t care what he thinks! Sort of a catch 22. You were abused pretty badly and raped; it’s probably realistic to expect that he will always be upsetting to you. You may become indifferent to him as an individual where he has no power over you any more, but reminders of the experience will probably always trigger PTSD.
A member of my family was raped in the late 70’s, and I didn’t drive through the county where it happened and where the court trial was for about 20 years even though it meant going out of my way frequently.
Annette, you continue to blow me away with the eloquent and astute comments you make. I so agree with you that it is a waste of energy to consider what your ex is thinking other than keeping in mind the risk he may pose to you. I realized very quickly that anything I might have thought about what he was thinking was futile, since all I knew about him was what he wanted me to know/think and any and all of that could be a lie. All I know for sure is what my experience was and that he is dangerous to me.
I share your opinion that it is safer for you if your ex thinks he still has control and power over you. I instinctively believed that if he thought he left me for dead it would be safer for me.
The experience with my ex changed the way I think about my body and sex so dramatically that I doubt it will ever right itself. I hate to think in absolutes, since we don’t really know, and I don’t want to create any self fulfilling prophesies, but I have a long way to go on this one.
I left a few things at my ex’s house that were of value to me. I also gave him quite a few things from my home to stage his house for sale with when my home sold and I moved to the new house we had bought together. I knew I would have these things again when he moved to be with me.
Through my attorney, he said he wanted to come and pick up his things that had moved with me and he had brought a truck full of stuff on a visit. I packed them carefully and made sure I included everything, even random slips of paper, a food stained sweatshirt and a handful of nails and screws he had left on a shelf in the garage. People who knew I was doing this thought I was a pussy, for lack of a better word, but I knew I was protecting myself. He had to bring a truck to pick these things up, and could easily have brought my things to me. He did not. I’m sure they had already been sent to the landfill at that point.
Keeping myself safe is my top priority. I don’t care what anyone thinks.
At a rough point in the relationship (I guess they were all rough but you know what I mean), it seems like around two years before the final discard, I went to a therapist for a short while, hoping for help. I’ve had two years of good therapy now after the discard and I can see the value of what he was saying, but then I didn’t have the tools, and my mind was too muddled to let this help me. This therapist told me pretty quickly that he thought my ex was a narcissist and after a handful of visits, he suggested a group therapy he lead would be beneficial to me. I was not really up for this, but did it anyway, and in that one session I attended, the therapist pressured me to share and I did. It was excruciating for me. At my private session the next week, I told the therapist so, and he said, yes, he could see that, but that I shouldn’t have “overshared” so quickly. I had felt very pressured by him to share, and set up. I never went back. I have often thought that therapist could have helped me get out if he hadn’t sent me to that group session.
It has been about 3 1/2 years since I last saw my ex. I have thought out the best exit strategies if I ever accidentally encounter him. I hope he never seeks me out but realistically, I knew he kept close tabs on his ex wife even 15 years after their divorce was final and I wouldn’t doubt he tries to keep tabs on me. It’s hard to stay invisible on the internet, address histories are out there for everyone and I know that at some point it’s likely my current address will show up. In the meantime, I stay as under the radar as possible.
Anyway, Annette, thank you. Some of the things you write feel like you’re sitting across from me squeezing my hand and saying “I know, I get it”.
H Moon,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I can relate to much of your experience and I have learned everything from you and others who have taken the time to share. I think we are all sitting across the table from one another holding each others’ hands! That is a lovely analogy.
Too bad about your experience with the first therapist and group session. I did not see a counselor, mostly because I’m busy and it wasn’t a priority. I discerned I was getting enough loving and patient support from my closest friends and family, and I was learning enough practical things to help me from my extensive reading. I probably read about 50 books or parts of books.
I know what you mean about permanent changes in our psyches about how we view ourselves, sex…and just about everything else, too, I think. I’m not sure what changes in my view are due to the spath experience and which are due to normal aging and menopause. I’m 55, and no idea whether I have another 20 years in this life or if tomorrow is my last; and no idea what the future holds. I’ve been surprised by the unexpected all through my life so who knows what’s around the corner. I’m trying to focus on giving and getting the best I can from whatever is going on today. I am about 2.5 years out and finding some joy returning; and getting back into doing things I enjoy and really enjoying them rather than just going through the motions. I have been blessed that the spath experience was only for about 5 years, and that I am in the same town, same home, and have most of the same friends and acquaintances as I’ve had for my entire adult life. I’m blessed that I didn’t suffer too much financial loss from the spath, beyond the general waste of time and resources he caused.
I am also blessed that I was able to understand my spath experience within my understanding of the Bible’s paradigm of reality, which is different than mainstream Christianity. I learned the most about what the spath was doing, why he was doing it, what will happen to him, and what I am supposed to be doing about it, from the Bible.
I learned much from others who shared their experiences here and in books, which helped me know and believe the truth about what was going on. The spaths gaslight so well, victims are have cooperative spirits and tend to go along with their twisted version of reality and to doubt ourselves; and most of society doesn’t understand and inadvertently supports the spath’s version. I feel for the women who have been victimized and isolated throughout the past millennia.
Annette, I am in the same boat with you not knowing what changes are due to normal aging and menopause – I am 59 and my 60th birthday is just a few weeks away.
Age has never been an issue with me, but this birthday feels different. I know the discard and the aftermath took a lot out of me. I was 55/56 when the rug was pulled out from under my life and I had aged pretty well up until then and still felt as if I was in my 30’s. In pictures from even just a few years ago I look happy, relaxed and fresh. That is not what I see in the mirror now. (My ex is only about a year younger than I am and people used to mistake him for my father – I guess my youthful energy was something he set out to steal from me too.)
You are fortunate that you are in the same home, town and have the same friends and acquaintances. I have none of that nor do I have the career I loved so much right now. There is nothing of my prior life intact to provide me with continuity and stability, and I often think that if even one thing had survived, my road might be a little easier.
At the same time, I know I am fortunate in many ways. I am healthy, and I have a stable retirement income to support myself with. I know it could have been worse.
From today’s perspective, the last 9 months or so since the shared home was finally sold have been harder on me than the prior 2+ years of shouldering the extreme mess he left me in. During that time, I was able to focus entirely on taking care of business and getting out of the situation – I took it on like a project. Since I’ve been “free”, I can’t seem to get anything off the ground. I have approached getting started again with the same energy and can-do attitude that has always worked for me in the past and”nothing is coming together. I’m sad, worn out and frustrated, and I’m not sure what it’s going to take to get things rolling again. I want more, deserve more, and need to figure it out. I am so, so conscious of time flying by.
jenna…sorry you had a similar experience. We will get there, one day at a time.
Kaya yes. I am still getting thru it…but yes i thought I was going to literally die. The lies the cheating i was comatose like a zombie. Without u all i don’t know what I would have done honestly. Its amazing every one of you saved me. I still hear from him from time to time. Hes gotten a new car out of his new supply and is looking for a place to move im to with her.
Taralev
It’s so awesome to hear from you and that you are well. I am so honored that my experience was help in your situation. Glad that you getting through it. Like we all said “in time we all get better, recover and go on with our lives”. I wish I did not have to go through the nightmare, I wished for my son never to have to witness these evil acts of my ex. I can’t change it, it made us both stronger in our faith and we are ok.
I never believed in divorce, but it was my only option. In a way I knew the discard was coming but wanted to ignore and deny it. I knew he emotionally checked out of this marriage ever since hd became a cop 6 years ago. Looking back I know there were many other women, soldiers and online people who he cheated with. A person who is capable of doing things like had no place in my heart. Today I read something about true love .
“True love is the ability to first feel compassion and empathy for another , and then act to meet their need, even before your own”.
And the above tells us how much we have been loved. Zero.
No river of tears, no impassioned pleas, no personal sacrifices and no amount of money will ever “fix” what ails a sociopath. They will not care about your pain. They do not care about your pain. And they HAVE NEVER CARED AVOUT YOU. .
My ex is, in essence , deceased.
Anette
You are so accurate “denying him any access to you”. That’s what my lawyer advised me to do. Don’t give any chance to upset you or to inflict pain. Removing yourself from the situation is the best thing to do. Why give him any opportunity to be a game participant again. Nothing good will come out of it.
I 100 percent stay out of the county where he is a cop. Can you imagine if I get stopped by him for some traffic infraction? I would be booked into jail for threatening or “assaulting ” a police officer. Because they would take his word. So why risk that.
Annette
Wow your statement makes so much sense, thank you so much. I at orally agree with you as he wants to play victim to his friends , co workers and family.
Yes you are absolutely right. A parent who does not care about his sons mother is not a good parent. Thank you for pointing this out to me. I know I can sleepuch better tonight. You are so wise :).
So glad you found a truth that makes you feel better! We victims have been so conditioned and groomed to take the blame for everything the spaths choose to do, maybe because we’re not perfect, and to feel guilty for expecting normal responsibility and accountability from them. We end up feeling like we’re not worthy nor valuable even though we know our children are. So we aren’t good to ourselves which is just as bad as not being good to others. Matt 22:39: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” No difference between shortchanging oneself and shortchanging others. We have a responsibility to take care of ourselves in God’s view.
I meant totally agree. Sorry for the spellcheck.
Thank you anette. It’s so true. I, too , regret focusing too much on trying to make my ex happy and to keep him in my life. I raised my son , who is 20 now, mostly by myself as my ex was deployed a lot with the army. We were and still are a “great team” . I always put my sons needs before any job or career. It was very fulfilling for me to be a “mother as a fulltime job”.
I also regret not leaving the ex earlier and not subjecting my son to this chaos. But it’s in the past. He turned out a good person with great morale values. Nothing like the ex And that’s all it matters. Family is the most precious thing in life. To walk away one night and say “I am out of here , you guys are on your own” , is the most selfish act.
On one hand I wish I’d left earlier, but then I think I would always wonder that I should have given it more chances. Waiting until one is really sure that leaving is the right thing to do and really ready for it, brought me a measure of peace.