UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jenna
We should also not forget that they are not only cheaters, they were the hat of a liar. A very poor character they have. He lies because he is trapped and dies not want his sons exposed.
Like your ex, mine inflicted so much pain and agony on me, physically and emotional. I think I will for ever be scared to trust a man again. He was the one who married me, to bow to cherish and protect me for ever. Instead he did the opposite. That’s evil and vicious.
Your ex inflicted so much pain on you and then just went on to his next victim, or 7 others. Like nothing happened. I blocked my ex for the rest of my life. He will never have access to my life again. It cost me 15000$ to my lawyer and many court battles ,many sleepless nights. But not once did I fear or worry. Because God was always in control. In the end I can look back and I can say “I did it”. I framed my divorce petition and put it on the wall. It’s a daily reminder for me that I will always be in control of my life. He can’t mess with me anymore. And if does it will have legal consequences for him.
We have to focus on us. They don’t deserve not a minute from us anymore.
They wore a lot of hats, all bad. I can say for myself that as I learned more about this disorder and got some distance, I realized that he told me (in so many words/ways) who he was in the early days and I just didn’t recognize the red flags.
We had been dating a month or two when I hired one of the guys from our office who worked on building maintenance to do some work at my house. This guy was young enough to be my son, married and just had a baby and had told everyone he was looking to make some extra money.
He came on a Saturday and did a few odd jobs, made a little small talk, I paid him and he left. I mentioned it in passing to my ex, saying the guy did good work if he needed anything. My ex’s eyes bugged out of his head and he said – did you sleep with him? (Note, my ex and I hadn’t had sex yet at this time.) I said no! What do you mean? He just came over to do some work for me! Sex had never crossed my mind.
My ex said that there was no way a man would come to my house to do work if he didn’t hope/plan that sex would be involved!! I told him that was nuts, this guy’s wife just had a baby (in fact, all he talked about when he was there was his wife and the baby), and he was just a kid. My ex told me I was naive, stupid, and could have put my job at risk (that’s laughable considering what HE was doing at work).
I didn’t realize that my ex was being extremely possessive and controlling of me when he had no right to, and that he was projecting HIS thoughts on the kid – that if he went to a woman’s house for any reason, or they came to his, sex was his agenda.
When I talked to two of the women he harassed at work after he “dated” them, they both told me that he manipulated situations to get them to come to his house on the first or second date and it made them very uncomfortable. He even tricked one to come to Mexico with him with the excuse he needed a translator (he had temporarily discarded me so he didn’t have my services available) and then told her it was too late to drive home so they should spend the night. Honestly, the first time I went to his house he did a few off the wall things that made me think he thought I was going to hop into bed with him and I shut him down right away, excusing him since he had been married a long time, his wife had died recently and he probably didn’t know how to act. Pffft!
I am sure red flags were there for all of us.
HM
omg..how much more insane can they be…
mine once wanted me to ask the appliance guy who was fixing my dryer at the time, to have sex with me…
and yes of course its because they would do it should they have the opportunity.
mine used to tell me about a woman he was with for approx one week..she wanted to continue with him, she had a child and wanted to become a family..and to him she was just someone to sleep with for that week…
in my mind i thought “one week and she was declaring her love to him and wanted to become a family? who does that? who even knows about a person in one week?
either he is lying or she is as bad as him…
Sane
So true. This is why we should never have contact with them. It’s like we would willingly communicate with the devil and even invite into our living room . Satan would love that.
They could throw some insinuations at us, they could point out our weaknesses and faults , they could blame and that’s what they feed of. Pure evil.
They think they are the seal of perfection , full of wisdom and perfect in beauty. There is nothing ordinary or plain about their appearance. They are prideful , believing they deserve more than they already have. They want to be worshipped like God.
Eventually they will be removed from the presence of God, stripped of their beauty and all their rights.
“You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created, till unrighteousness was found in you ”
Ezekiel 28:15.
“Whoever exalts himself will be humbled and who humbles himself will be exalted. ”
Matthew 23:12
Kaya: You nailed it. They want to be God. They are in competition with Him. They are delusional. Who can win against God? They are “sons of disobedience”, a chip off the old block — just like their father, Satan.
They can and do cause lots of destruction, but that is just because “Satan is a liar”; “he only comes to steal, kill and destroy.” It does not mean that he will win.
How devilish for them to pretend to be good, when they are the embodiment of evil. But, we know that “Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”
“Our enemies will be of our own household.”
Job was sorely tried. But, in the end God restored double.
God is greater than Satan; and, we know that Satan has already been defeated. His time is short. That is why “Satan goes about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
“May” is the operative word. We don’t have to let Satan devour us. The battle may be fierce and dark and frightening, but we have Someone Who is greater on our side.
My testimony is that I have been delivered, protected, defended, sustained and provided for. The enemy of my soul has tried very hard — thrown all hell against me — to defeat me and destroy me. But, God! My faith in God is stronger than ever and I am still standing. Satan is a liar.
jenna23
because they are warped jenna that is why!!!
besides being a sociopath, i wonder if there are other issues with them..not to be funny but seriously..i always thought mine to be a little hyper, indecisive and over the top impulsive, as well as extremely forgetful. he used to have a little setup in the hotel when we would go away…his laptop and a notepad next to it. he had to write every little thing down in that notepad as a reminder…even things like don’t forget to call me..seriously why would anyone forget that if you’re in a relationship. a lot of his notes were very hard to understand, like a code..
and yeh, he would want me to do things that were coming from him having done them…one time he asked me to go on fb and look for singles who are looking for a good time and to get someone involved with me, while he was away, so that he could call and listen OR they would be available next time he was in town…he used to try to get me to have sex with an old bf and secretly video tape it…threesomes was the biggest thing..he wanted me to contact any female i knew to get involved in one..
one time i had a friend at my house and he got so turned on that he asked to speak to her on the phone…he wanted to tell her how much he loved her!! he had never even met her or spoken to her…
ps i never ever went along with any of his weird fantasies…too off the wall for me
jenna23
now i know why he married someone within weeks, if he is telling my friend he never saw or met, he loved her over the phone, can you imagine when he met his wife online what he told her…love bombing for sure
I agree with Kaya that their thoughts are about sex 24 hours a day. With anyone and everyone. MIne was like an animal in heat.
He never thought I wanted to have sex with someone else (why would I, when I had him!) but he always had his eye on me and if I was polite with a man (say, a bartender, etc.) he would always say they wanted to have sex with me, and I was encouraging it.
BIG SIGH. He had made sex such a chore by that time encouraging someone to want to have sex with me was the LAST thing on my mind.
Not having sex have to control every hour of every day anymore is such”a”relief.
Mine called me way too much. One time I was stuck in a traffic jam on the way home from work in a dead zone for over an hour and when he finally got ahold of me he was furious. I told him I couldn’t predict when and where there were accidents and the only way to avoid that was to take another, longer route where there were no dead zones. He said that would be a good idea. (I didn’t do it.)
One time (after a mini discard of about a day and a half) he called me several times and wasn’t able to reach me. I told him I had been running errands and he went berserk, told me to not ever use that phrase with him and to be specific. I told him if he had to know, I had been shopping at Victoria’s Secret for something to surprise him with (I had actually been at the therapist talking about him). He bought that excuse, and asked me if any “girls” had hit on me there that I might bring home to him.
I’m not kidding.
Sane
I 100 percent agree with you. I have been protected also , provides for , definetely defended and always picked up through every trial. This trial was extremely difficult but there was and always be the light. These creatures , they love the darkness , because they serve Satan. They are liars and deceivers.
Do you know that me ex pug dimmers in every light switch of the house, he loved when all the blinds were closed , he hated light. He loved his darkness. Once he came to a church service with my son and I. I have never seem him that uncomfortable, nervous and on the edge like this before . And the darkness is where he remains. He had his minions to join him in the dark.
Because I have GOD, who is my ex to try to destroy me ??no chance.
Hanalei
How interesting. I think their thoughts are all about sex, 24 hours every day of the year. I remember once telling my ex that I had a new supervisor , who worked in a totally different office. I said “he is very nice”. The first words out of his mouth “did you have sex with him during your nightshifts “. This guy was happily married, never worked the same shift as I did and the thought never ever crossed my mind.
I think they want to accuse us of what they are guilt of. It’s their favorite thing to do. Like a mirror. Like narcissus loved seeing his reflection. Yuck.
I found this free online threat assessment questionnaire very helpful in collecting my thoughts about the risk my ex psychopath might pose. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ Your intuition and all the things you know about him are the best information you have as to what he might do. In general spaths are dangerous because they are capable of anything, they like harming others, and they often reappear in a victim’s life. They don’t think like normal people because their motivations are different. I was so confused about my ex spath’s behavior until I finally got it about what motivates him and how he thinks. I’m still not able to predict his moves exactly, but now I have a general idea of the range of possibilities. In general an adult’s past behavior is the best indicator of his future behavior.
hi
I wanted to make a quick shout out to someone who understands just how difficult it is to get back on track after being with a Narc/ASPD
AT THE END OF TODAY, I WILL HAVE 41 DAYS OF NO CONTACT!! ZERO.
Tomorrow it will be the 6 weeks mark.
I have a mix of clarity of mind that he is evil and dangerous and was best left on the curb, as well as some kind of sadness that still makes me feel that I lost something special, and I have to keep reminding myself it was all just an illusion and it ended up hurting like hell. I feel strong and weak at the same time. Weird, but it’s working to keep NO CONTACT.
I don’t love him anymore. I just miss what I thought I could have had with him.
Peace,
Jenni Marie
Exactly how I feel.
Hi, i am in the middle of my heartache and NP situation. I work with him so I can not leave my job as it provides the healthcare for my family. He is married and I am getting divorced and he saw me and went for the kill on me emotionally. I knew something was going on with him but he had a girl live with him and his wife and kids and was texting this girl over 1000 times. I knew he was doing something with her and he said she was not pretty and that there was nothing going on. Well his wife left for a brief time shes is back and the girl got kicked out. He says he hasnt had any contact with the girl but i know he has. He was in the process of a discard with me when it all came out. he tried to deny i knew it was her and he was busted. I got some of my stuff back and money from him but i dont trust myself. I hate this girl because she got more of him than i did. at least after canoodling she didnt just get left. he would leave me at the hotel room and i would feel horrible. he said he didnt want to do it anymore because he didnt want to leave like he was and the sneaking around. yea he didnt want to pay for a room when he had fresh meat at home. he would take off work and it was to spend with her. when i confronted him about it then he took off for me a couple of times but it was just to see me and talk. he was probably going home to see his free one at home. i am still attracted to him and i know im not to blame as he definitely pursued me like a full on relationship not an affair and all the things i have been reading he has done so many. so why do i still want him to want me, why am i still attracted to him. I feel horrible about myself and wish it would go away.
inthemiddleofheartache
If you keep reading all of the info here on LF and other related sites, you will see that what you are feeling is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. It’s alright.
We try to make sense of it all, for quite a while I might add, because IMO our brains cannot wrap around the fact that we were so nice to him, so honest, so loving, so caring, and so “bendable” to him and what ‘he’ wants, and then we were not rewarded with the same in return.
He is trash. Where does trash belong? Not in the living room. I assume you don’t want to be his pawn anymore, so I wish you strength to keep him out of your way. He is holding you back. He doesn’t care one way or the other about you. But YOU care about you. With these types of people just giving a little damn about yourself can literally SAVE YOUR LIFE!
Best wishes in getting to the point where you don’t want him to want you, you just want the madness to stop. Stopping is also called NO CONTACT.
Peace,
Jenni
ps: keep posting, we’ll all support you here.
I am on day 42 of NO CONTACT myself. It’s not easy, but nothing in life worthwhile is easy 🙂
Hi Jenni Marie,
I am wondering how you are doing? I have been reading on here today as I have every weekend since January…no contact forever. Since my ex took up all of my weekend time I have all the time in the world to do WHATEVER I want!
I am hoping that you are staying strong and staying no contact also.
I totally understand how you feel!
Keep in touch.
Strongerinthecity
How intersting anout making up friends names. My ex would do the exact same. He would say ” I am going fishing tonight with so and so. ” I always believed it. I became suspicious and we would “trick” him. My son wanted to go along. Of course the plans were changed. Too rainy, when it was bright sunshine. The so called friends cancelled. Ha. They never existed. It was all made up. Lies, after lies. How I don’t miss this crap. My mind is always at peace now not rushing and working overtime. I was never able to relax because a new lie would surely cone and would put me in chaos.
hi all
i was wondering if i could get some feedback on something that recently happened”
i mentioned before xmas contacted me after 4 months nc”i explained the story months ago but briefly”back in the summer he sneakily announced he was leaving me to marry a girl thirty years younger and had been carrying on romantically with her for the last year of our relationship”when he says they carried on”he means online, not in person, only met her one time”but they were marrying and off to her poor country he was moving with her nd her parents”.i went NC for 4 months
fast forward to xmas when he contacted me saying he made a mistake, he didn’t love her, i was 100% correct when i told him he was being impulsive..
we exchanged a cpl messages during holidays pertaining to this”.one of the messages i had told him while we were together right before he was to marry and i hadn’t known at that point, i believe, its not certain, that i may have gotten pregnant”i was 49 and figured it was a very heavy period as a beginning to the pre menopause stage..i hadn’t had a period in about 5 months at that point..when i got it it was so heavy i went to the doctor and at this point she said it could have been an aborted pregnancy or a period like i thought”it was too late to do any testing”
well”i told him i thought i had been pregnant and was only telling him because he contacted me and i felt very guilty not telling him..i would never have written to tell him, but he’d written me and it seemed like the proper time”
his response in a very short email back to me: “are you trying to make me feel guilty? what do you want me to say about the pregnancy thing? yes it could have been and it could not have been but i don’t like how you are sending me negative messages to make me feel guilt and anger.. happy new year to you and family”
did i do something wrong? did i manipulate him”i feel as though he is turning this all around and using it so this is my fault??? its been two weeks since he has written back”and declaring his love for me and i was everything to him”now i am a manipulator???
i haven’t written, nor will i since he accused me of all this”i simply responded if i wanted to manipulate i would have told him when i had found out because it was the same time he sneakily ran off to marry his wife”and NO it wasn’t to make him guilty or angry or manipulate him…
the whole situation has my stomach in knots…
Really good advice from Kaya, and good for you for not writing him any more since then.
He used a common abusive tactic to turn the issue of your possible lost pregnancy into an issue of whether you are trying to manipulate him or not. He successfully changed the real subject away from the possible lost pregnancy and all the implications of it to normal people; and put you on the defensive so you’re spending your energy worrying about your motives. Spaths endlessy derail every conversation and situation by falsely accusing and blaming others.
It’s probably not particularly important to him what your motives were, it’s just something he used to turn the attention from the fact that he doesn’t care about you, what you went through, nor the possibility that his sexual activities with you could have created a child.
I don’t think anyone but you can answer your question about your motive for telling him. It’s possible you were wondering what his reaction would be; it’s possible you were seeking support in dealing with an emotional experience that involved your relationship with him; it’s possible that you were trying to get him to see that relationships can have serious consequences; it’s possible you felt obligated to share the information with him in case he takes it seriously. If you’re like most people, it might be a combination of reasons. It might be worth some self examination and introspection, but consider that the spath tried to manipulate you into thinking about a teensy tiny possible ‘fault’ in yourself, when the overriding truth is that he’s an irresponsible, cheating, abusing, pathological liar.
Consider thinking about someone or something else as much as you can. Maybe there is a relationship with a family member or friend you can put some of your valuable time and energy into.
AnnettePK
what you write here is so true , and everyone is giving such good advice”when i go off the straight path i can always get led back on track from everyone here..
i was really quite turned off at his response when he said “what do you want me to say about the pregnancy thing” THING???? is he stupid?? here he is contacting me at xmas time trying to tell me his wife is no longer appealing as much and trying to win me back and he calls it a thing?? that, right there turned me completely off”my response back to him was the last i wrote and the last he wrote me”a normal person may have apologized for speaking like that and continued to try to woo the other person back”but in his case he said i was making him feel guilt and it made him uneasy and nervous…
if he was trying to make me feel guilty he did a great job”.as hard as it is to digest, i am glad there wasn’t a baby that would be related to him!
my motive in telling him was specifically because being a normal person, i figured it is only right he should know, and ONLY because he contacted me”otherwise i wouldn’t have broken NC to tell him. yes its true it could have a little to do with all the other reasons you mentioned, but the real reason is what i mentioned, because i felt he should know”that was a real eye opener for me..
this is not the first time he has turned situations around on me making me take the blame for something he originally started”ugh why i didn’t pay closer attention at the time is beyond me”now i know what to look for
i put most of my energy into my family, my kids, siblings and my parents”we are a very close family and all live within minutes of one another”its my most valuable possession 🙂
janedoe
Funny how he accused you of the very type of manipulation that he does to you. He uses your emotions to control you.
By accepting/sending messages to him, you are facilitating his abuse of you (and helping him cheat on his wife). That’s the power of NC. It cuts off his access to abuse you. It’s not an offer to him, it’s not a request to him. You are the one who has to take the action to cut off his ability to contact you. It’s the only way to stop further situations.
NWHSOM
yep exactly what he did”if i weren’t so disgusted i would have have responded by telling him where to go”
at this moment there has been no contact since that message and i am back at NC as i was for 4 months prior to him contacting me.
i was so proud of myself at my ability to no contact that I’m eagerly looking forward to getting over this hump”as i had to start NC all over again”.but like i said before, i keep reading and reading all i can about this when I’m feeling down”which has been a couple hours a day i devote online reading and it surely does wonders, as well as everyone who is so insightful and wise on here xxx
janedoe
I am so sorry that he is showing his true colors now. I remember the days of wanting SO BAD that it not be true, that there would be some explanation or that my husband would snap out of it and show he cared. But once that mask comes off, they can’t get it to fit anymore. After all, it was A LOT of work to keep it on long enough to scam us. They just don’t want to work that hard anymore. It’s REALLY HARD to wrap our minds around how empty their “love” really is.
So….You possibly LOST his baby and rather than showing empathy and care, he was blaming and accusatory. NO you did NOT expect him to feel guilty! What a STUPID accusation! You expected him to be HUMAN and CARE, but he wasn’t. That’s a sociopath showing his true nature. No care. Cold. Callousness. Unfeeling. But…. sorry to say, NORMAL for someone with NO conscience.
Back to NC, girl! You have NO TIME to waste on a man with NO HEART. ALSO, sad to say, NC gets easier when you realize what a waste of our time/love that a sociopath is. You can DO THIS.
NWHSOM
i really have to thank you and everyone for such amazing advice since this happened”i truly believe this site has saved my sanity from begging him not to do this anymore”when this all happened at the end of summer i was so confused and never knew what his condition was”i read here every single day as much as i can and shake my head in disbelief as to what the hell would have happened to me if i had not found this site and so many wonderful people who have the same problem
and you are right, i expected him to have empathy and care when i told him about the possible pregnancy”its not the first time he has been callous and turned things on me as if I’m trying to manipulate him”
he can blame me for manipulation so easily, because he knows what it is to do it to someone”when he’s twisted things in the past without myself knowing about sociopaths, i would be so confused as how a person could twist things around and blame me for something he did..and it was so so subtle the way he would do it”wow what a big big red flag!
somehow starting NC this time, was less painful than the first time…
aw Jane, thank you for sharing your Heart with the rest of us here.
1. You didn’t do anything wrong.
2. You didn’t do anything wrong.
3. You didn’t do anything wrong.
4. You did the right thing! the premenopausal years are so confusing that my gyn pointed out there are as many (or more) unexpected pregnancies in that age range as in the early teens, as ladies such as ourselves just can’t imagine “it could happen” so we tend to get “careless” not to mention we’re not sure exactly what the schedule is supposed to look like anymore.
5. It was the right thing to tell him, not manipulative nor anything else of a contrivance so get that thought right out of your pretty head.
6. You have seen I write so SHARPLY that you sure do not want me to show up there and CLOP YOU UPSIDE the head, now do you, girl? OF course not, now please stop bothering yourself and DO remember a condom next time you have a date.
WITH LOVE to you Jane!! xox N/C
NOContact
i do wish you lived close by to clop me sometimes! the truth hurts sometimes but ya gotta do what ya gotta do!!!
as far as the condom”yeh that was his idea not to use one i guess i am not so smart myself am i? lol”is that a common trait amongst them? why would anyone be so stupid to want that??
thanks NC xoxo
Jane
Typical response from a sociopath. Can I ask you why you are still writing to him? Dies heake you feel better with his responses ? I know I was at the same place as you, I was holding on to a glimmer of hope for him to come back. But honestly , would you want him back ?
I was briefly hospitalized with heart problems after I got discarded. When I texted to my ex if hd could look after our son while I was in the hospital, I got this response. “What, you want me to feel guilty, cut it out, I don’t care if you are in the hospital or not, it’s all in your head anyway.”
Jane, they DO NOT CARE if you are alive or not , if you are pregnant, if you have miscarriage . Nothing will make them show remorse , caring or empathy. NOTHING.
If I was in your position o would get a new email adress and put an end to it. That would be my solution. I am so sorry that he is so evil.
Don’t communicate with him, you are talking to the devil.
hi kaya
no no i wasn’t writing to him”after 4 months NC he contacted me at xmas and i thought i should tell him”i wouldn’t have messaged him otherwise. that was the only contact we have had when he wrote how he still cares, misses me, i was correct about him marrying someone he doesn’t know well”i took it upon myself to tell him about what i thought of being pregnant that one time only”and not to my surprise he turned it around”i should have known, because he does that quite regularly with me in the past..
how disgusting of your ex to say what he did when you were in a hospital of all places”wouldn’t it have been great if your son heard that and told your ex where to go and not to speak like that..maybe that would have shut him up for a minute…
kaya48
Because they don’t care, they forget the cruel calloused things they say to us. Then they 1) try to come back when things don’t pan out for them. or 2) They pity play, that they didn’t do anything “that bad” and boohoo for their divorce.
What an EVIL ass, you ex forgot his son needed him to be a dad when you had heart trouble. But I bet your son remembers. Boohoo, croc tears Mr Dad, croc tears.
Jane
We have to understand the way a sociopath’s mind works. For him, sex does not have emotional connection like it does for us. He can’t feel your pain or wounds like you do his. He can’t respond to your need if it doesn’t correspond with his own. He trusts no one. He isn’t honest with himself and can’t be honest with you, period.
We can’t ignore the absolute fact, that we have been used , abused, damaged and discarded. It is a fact, it is a truth and it cannot be denied .
The only solution for us to get better : WE DO NOT SPEAK TO THE SOCIOPATH, he is not among the living.
I think you don’t share any children, especially minor. So please, recognize that we are a part of a greater universe and stay away from him. For ever. Don’t give him access to your life, don’t give him the power and control that feeds him. Let him starve. Please .
He is not among the living. So very true.
Starve the vampire. Excellent advice.
yes kaya what you say about not being honest with himself is SO true!!!
he knows when he married how wrong it was, not only for him to marry someone he didn’t know, but to bring this poor young girl, who doesn’t know this side of him yet”he was totally dishonest by making himself believe he loved her”he doesn’t even know what that word means”
he is so easily fooled sometimes i wonder how he survived this long in life”he trusts anything anyone tells him”so if this girl really felt feelings for him all she had to do was convince him, and he will go along with it..he just doesn’t life little things in life..right from wrong in society”its like he is stupid or really missing something in his brain..
it makes sense why he thinks its ok to use and abuse, he sees no wrong in it..even the day before getting married he said some mean things about this girl”he just doesn’t know. when you point it out to him what he’s saying, its like another person comes forward with a whole different story of what he just admitted”
I’m back on track as of xmas and his rude comment”just a little bit of time and i will be good again xx thanks kaya