UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Anette
My ex used to love havibg thf house to himself. Of course for his purposes of being a pervert. I think he was trying to gave me in a mental institution ( what was just outrageous) so he would be able to keep the housd to himself in his minions. Fortunately nothing, absolutely nothing , worked out according to his evil plan. They said u am totally sane, a great mother , keeping a good job and his allegations were all made up. Thank God they were all seeing the truth, from doctor, lawyer, mediator, judge. Everyone.
I underestimated me and thought he can manipulate everyone and they would follow his crazy “cop orders”.
What happened with youf minor son? Does he see the father ?
As always I appreciate your excellent input. 🙂
I was widowed from my son’s dad before son was born. My husband was a wonderful man; sadly our son and my husband never got a chance to know each other.
I was targeted and deceived into ‘marrying’ the spath when my son was 10. My son has had no contact with psychpath/step dad since he was 15. I’ve had no contact since he was 16.
Jane
I think you are getting excellent advice from everyone here. I was just thinking about an older comment when I was in my first stages. No contact is like you have that inner child that you have to absolutely guard at all times. The inner child might tell you to answer his emails or to write to him. Only that the inner child is not aware of the consequences that are coming . You need to train your brain to be on better guard for this inner child. I know it helped me a lot when this urge came over me to write to him. Once I learned to guard and control this inner child I was better with the no contact.
And one more thing , you can never be friends with him. He pushed change and hurt on you that you never asked for. With him being in your life you will not heal.
Praying for you.
I thought that I could be friends with my N until he left me two messages filled with rage. No, we can’t be friends and I hope I don’t see him again. And you are right there will be no healing. I’m trying to heal so I can forgive and forget that he was ever in my life!
Spaths do not be friends for the same reason that they do not fulfill their role in love based relationships – they are liars, abusers, cheaters, and exploiters.
I am currently reading “When Love is a Lie”. I feel as though I am reading my journal. I am in that relationship. I have been for 2 years. I have not started No contact yet. Oh, I have tried but failed. It is to the point in our “relationship” that if I say something not quite right, he goes off.
Sorry that this is so disconnected but I think that I am finally having that “ah ha” moment and it scares me.
OMG!!! I’m reading that book for the second time and it has been so eye opening that I’ve ordered two other books. I can’t believe that I was so stupid and I fell hard for my N. We had dated in high school years ago and he got in contact with me on FB. This time we were together for almost two years until the woman he left me for posted that they were engaged on FB. Now mind you he is living with me at this time. To say I was in shock is an understatement because he had promised me marriage. Everything she wrote in that book is my life with him. Holidays were terrible!! Any way to upset me he did and in the beginning it was like we were back in high school. I so see his evil now! The evil I over looked because I loved him and I still love him. I haven’t turned that part off yet but I’m trying. I’m on NC at this time. I blocked his phone number and him from contacting me on FB. What I don’t understand is why would he come back to me? Everyone keeps telling me that he will be back and so does the book. I’m moving on and I know he is with this woman right now so why come back to me? And also why plot against me? I have friends waiting to read this book.
I have promised myself to go NC so many times. I have to do ot. The book really opened my eyes.
jaiden814
your situation sounds similar to mine”i was with mine for a bit over 3 years and during the last year he was engaged to someone else and seeing me at same time”of course i didn’t know he was engaged but i knew about her. when i would ask him about her he would make it sound like she was pathetic and stalking him”i was a little leary in my thinking and was on the fence whether he was telling me the truth..we had a vacation together last summer and he was telling me all that”funny thing about him”he would be more persistent about her being pathetic ALWAYS prior to sex, which i thought very very weird”after sex had been finished, he would be less cruel about her and speak not half as badly”but once our vacation ended i noticed he was avoiding me. only to find out he had bad news to tell me, he was marrying this “pathetic, stalking, loser”
when i started the NC in the fall, i didn’t think i would do it”i did and was getting so much help from this site you have no idea how it saved me”but like you i wondered “he will never return to me the way everyone says they hoover””.guess what? like everyone said”he did come back at xmas”admitting how wrong of a decision he’d made, i was 100% right about what he was doing was wrong”he wanted to get back together with me even a short time and she wouldn’t know”
i was in shock!!! only until the next day did i realize the jerk i loved”he wrote me back taking back all he said and us being together, because she is a “good girl” i swear the more i look at this situation i think he has two weirdos living in his one body”I’m certain”only this type of person can retract all he said!
chances are he will be back”its hard, i got suckered in and fell for it. i started NC again and yes I’m upset, but its a lot easier this time around because now i know what he is and i didn’t know back a few months ago
how long have you been NC?
Freedom15: It is scary. The temptation is to go into denial. But, then you only put off the inevitable and expose yourself to more and greater abuse.
The sooner you establish NC, the better. Once NC is established, you can begin to heal; the fog starts to clear and you get clarity and increased strength. We need to take our power back.
They are toxic and like poison to our systems. We need to face the ugly reality they are not what we were led to believe. We have to purge the poison, and the sooner the better.
Jenna23: I hate what he did to you. That was beyond evil. It is simply incomprehensible that a human being could behave like that to ANYONE, much less to someone he professed to love. It is sickening and repulsive. Monstrous.
Some days, we have to get a glimpse at what happened. It is like each time, we peel off another layer and get freer and more healing. The true healing only comes through dealing with what happened and processing the pain. Gratefully, we don’t have to look at it all in one huge panorama. I think we would die from grief.
We have to remember that they are disordered. They are willfully sick and desire to inflict as much pain on others as possible. They want us to hate ourselves, blame ourselves, and take their monstrosity of evil upon ourselves.
But, we can reject it. It is only a projection of themselves. That is them. We KNOW who we are. We wholeheartedly wanted to and tried to love them, and heal them, make them happy, to save them. But, we cannot. 🙁
Refuse the rejection, refuse the pain. It does not belong to you. What he did to you only speaks of who he is. It is so very ugly.
Climb out of the hole he has dug for you with his abominable treatment of you. Climb out. It is not you. You are worthy, worthy, worthy. You are beautiful, lovely. He is such a FOOL.
This is a bad day. But, tomorrow will be better. Hold onto goodness and love. Let him go to hell alone.
crime scene photos; he’s practicing
perceptive insight, and very chilling. worth considering what is going on in his mind.
AnnettePK: Who can know what these spaths think?!!!
But, Jenna23’s description of the situation (I want to throw up) reminded me of something we would see on Forensic Files, 48 Hours, or Dateline.
Sane, et. al.,
It’s difficult to understand why it wasn’t prosecuted. It may be he is part of some kind of protected good old boy network in Jenna’s town. If so, he’s that much more dangerous.
jenna23
I don’t know why the police did not do a rape kit. But I do know it’s not over. That type of sociopath, (he likes to boast) will do it again. Hopefully that victim will not be murdered and the cops will get involved. And your police report can possibly become part of their report. But you know there are others he’s done this too and so for now, he THINKS he’s escaping justice. But… it’s coming for HIM.
I know for my assault, it was a good ol boys network that stepped up to protect the THUG and he screwed up my case completely, lied to me, refused evidence, even withheld my copy of the police report for MONTHS until he was FORCED to give me a copy, which by then the DA declined to file charges. But it doesn’t erase what was done to me. ANd yes, I have had some satisfaction but more is coming. Like I have said, their curse is that they can’t escape themselves. And that eventually reveals who they really are to everyone whom it matters.
Jenna,
I think they are colder than hate and rage.
He is the same to everyone. You were not the object of more wrath than anyone else. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time to become his target through no fault of yours. No one is special in any way, neither negative nor positive, to him. To him, people are like objects – like a table or chair to be used. He isn’t fully human and he doesn’t consider anyone else as a person.
Also, when I think of a spath’s view of others – no different than a piece of furniture or a car or a book – it is very dark to get a glimpse of their existence. I prefer to stay out of my ex spath’s head. I try to stay in my existence and think of him from far off. These days I visualize my ex psychopath, when I think of him, as a far distant blurry washed out paper cutout of a person. I know he does things that are harmful, but I don’t really think of him as a person – more like a potential person. He would have to make different choices from a different person to become fully human.
Oh jenna23
I do not understand why they refused to file charges for his rape of you. There had to be so much evidence. PHOTOS?! Evidence of the state you were left in? MY GOD!
To answer you: I am betting the photos are his trophy, yes, his victory trophy of a crime that he got away with. HE THINKS he got away with it. Time/circumstances have captured these criminals and I would NOT be surprised that is HIS future as well.
My ex husband also has a certain kind of trophy he keeps too, has to do with photos although they are not photos of sex. My ex has photos of women when they are completely innocent and at the first blush of thinking they found love. My ex loved to get one over on others, and even better, if he got them to ruin/destroy themselves, then he’d really feel like a “WINNER”. Just to tell you, when I saw those photos, I knew they were more than trophies. It was my signal that my ex was not just narcissistic, that he was full sociopath, the kind that can murder (which is what nearly happened to me because I was SO Stupid to think I would know when I was not safe).
Your ex did a crime that shows he’s capable of murder. DO NOT EVER be alone with him ever again. If you see him, get away as fast as possible. He’s already crossed the line. So you know. He has NO problem crossing that line.
No conscience = DANGER
Jenna23: PLEASE listen to NotWhatHeSaidofMe. She is telling you the truth. The man is extremely dangerous. You may count yourself very fortunate that you are still breathing.
I had left my home of almost 15 years and he called, and said “you should be here.”
How I wanted to go home! the words choke up my throat just to try to tell you how much.
Then he finished his phrase.
“…licking my dick.”
Not
You are so right. The pity play. It’s sickening. When he was seven with divorce papers, he texted me (this was before I changed my number) “if you think I am coming home by you filing for divorce , you are wrong. We are getting divorced , is that clear ?” Hello, I filed and spent 15000$ In order for him to come back. Pleeeeeease. See how prideful and distorted they are.
Boohoo. Poor guy. Left the family and that terrible , crazy wife filed for divorce. My son knows his true colors. My ex has lost any chance he thought he had with his son. What he put us through, he does not deserve any minute of our time. Ever again.
I am very comfortable with the contact. It just comes natural. I don’t think about him. He is not among the living. Oh yes for my alimony he is. The monthly check he writes to me should serve him as a reminder what an idiot he is.
But, Kaya48, they cannot connect the dots.
Jenna, I am sending you a big hug. I’m sorry it’s been a rough day for you.
While I don’t have your particular memory to torture myself with, I do have others and I know how it can feel when you replay those memories in your head. With time, I’ve learned how to keep them out of my head (mostly), if nothing else, to cut them off as quickly as possible. I hope that with time and the help of your counselor, you will too.
Hang in there. You are away and safe now. Please try not to shut yourself in your room, but spend time around your family, just being around the normal routine of life. For me at least, that is some of the best medicine.
Jenna23: Of course, they always target the sweet, vulnerable, forgiving types. Better and easier prey. They are PREDATORS, not marriage material.
You can pour a ton of expensive perfume on a garbage dump; it won’t smell any sweeter. It is the nature of the thing. It stinks. Same with these disordered ones. They stink — rotten to the core. Criminals in the making.
Love yourself.
Hi everyone, can I just say…. Doesn’t it just suck when you try so so sooooo… hard, you feel like your doing whats right (following the rules, so to speak) and YET after almost a year of no contact, I happen to come across some info and a photo of ex spath and it STILL bothers me, affects me! (Doesn’t help that pic is of OW & him all happy & in love). Do you ever get to the point at being at a loss of words?? Just why?….?? Why???
I’m a couple of years out and any kind of second hand contact sets me back about a week – the first couple of days I don’t even get out of bed. It took me a while to see the pattern.
Why? because we are normal and we take things to heart. The spaths hooked us using our natural bonding, which is a good and useful thing in a relationship based on love and commitment meant to last a life time. They exploited us using what is good about us.
Can’t help but wonder if they change as they get older, especially if they know their “supply” is now limited. We look at these pics of them with OW and we see them as so happy, makes you wonder if our “setbacks” ever dissipate…..
hi sashastrong
you ask if they change as they age?
mine is 60 just two weeks ago, recently married and we had no contact since his wedding 4 months ago”guess what happened? he contacted me right before his bday and NO he hadn’t changed”he said he missed me and was unhappy being newly married and then the next day wrote me and said she is a good girl”this is a 60 year old man”a side i never thought i would see because he wasn’t married when we were together”it was very surprising to see that at his age…
Hi janedoe!
So he pours it out to you and the very next day he reverses it? WTH? And have you heard from him since? I swear they have to know they’re not normal?
Sometimes I will say, gosh there’s not enough time in the day in reference to all the things I have to do that week, can you imagine the day of an spath? Lol! I sit here and think I need more time in my day to do normal things, imagine if we added all their planning, plotting, lying, manipulating, etc! Holy crap! How do they do it!
I’m NC just shy of a year but I ran across pic of him and OW looking all in love and it really set me back! So naturally I start wondering if they change or mellow as they get older….. I thought I was in such a good place but realize its still such a healing process, just stinks to be alone sometimes.
AnnettePK: thanks for this affirmation. I thought something was really wrong with me, that the slightest contact even second hand would de-rail me, taking away my energy.
Annette, how often do you run into any kind of contact with ex spath?
I have contact via email about once every couple of months about logistics and business matters, which doesn’t bother me too much as there is no engagement about anything besides business. It seems like about every 6 months or so I run into some kind of repercussion of his smear campaign against me. Some of these have blindsided me and set me back a lot.
I don’t have any face to face contact with him. If I ran into him somewhere unexpectedly, I would just leave as quick as possible. It is unlikely as he lives about an hour away and doesn’t get out to the same places I do.
I hope it gets better, but I’m not sure how that is going to happen. I pray for divine intervention, and so far I have been protected from really awful effects of the smear campaign. One encounter I had with his new victim actually backfired for him, but sadly he took it out on the new victim and his smear campaign on her drove her away from a social group that meant a lot to her.
Annette, I know you mentioned you were a couple of years out, so does your ex still go on smear campaigns against you? How sad. But even more so is that anyone would continue to listen or believe anything. While I know how persuasive spaths can be, you would think that people would start to question his credibility/believability when he goes on and on with a smear campaign. Do you know what I mean?
My ex psychhopath is very clever, very subtle, and drops hints – for example acting like he is not telling someone something really horrible about me in order to protect me, while dropping hints that are lies. He is also very good at getting others to do his dirty work – to attack me on his behalf.
He attends a different congregation in another part of the state of the same church organization I am a member of. He has a strong desire to have a position of perceived importance in the church, and so he manipulates everyone involved in church government and anyone he thinks will help him advance.
When I discovered he was (still) doing porn, the first thing he blurted out was “They’ll never make me a minister now!!!!!
He married twice in spite of not being heterosexual because he perceived that being married would help him achieve a position of perceived importance (in his perception).
In the past couple of years I have run into the effects of the smear campaign at regional church events, campouts, etc. where I encounter people he is manipulating. The people who are nice to me and the folks who are truly friends to me outnumber the smear campaign deceived people about 10,000 to 1, though.
When I met my ex psychopath he was conducting a smear campaign against his first ex wife. He’d successfully turned both her daughters against her so that they weren’t even speaking to her. I believed a lot of what he told me. I kept an open mind, though. I encouraged him to encourage the daughters to have a good relationship with their mom regardless of how awful she was, not knowing that it was him that orchestrated them turning on their mom, not that anything was wrong with her.
His first ex wife was married to him a long time and was more affected by his smear campaign. She moved across the country.
Sashastrong: It is pretty upsetting to see or hear of them being happy, successful, and going on like NOTHING happened. The injustice of it is incomprehensible. How dare he be happy?! He deserves pain and punishment.
So what’s up?! Why are we suffering consequences while he is off playing and cavorting in Shangri-La again?
But, appearances cannot be trusted. Remember how it was before with you and him. Wonderful, heavenly — but, it was all a lie. It was all a performance for him.
Nothing has changed with him…only he is more skilled at his deception. Know that he is paving the way for her demise. It is in the cards; and, it is coming.
At least, you don’t have to endure the daily neglect and/or abuse, the mind-crazies. It is now all on her. The pictures of them: just pictures. Not what is really going on.
So, when we have these encounters of the horrible kind, we can thank God for deliverances.
Saneandfree, thank you, you are right. But I do wonder if they change as they get older? Especially if they know they’re future supply is limited? Maybe they mellow with age?
Sashastrong: Spaths change? Not for the better. If they consider that future supply is dwindling — they will just continue to troll. They always have MANY lines out there going simultaneously. But, then too, remember, they live in the moment and don’t really plan ahead (like normal people do).
Sam Vaknin has a video on the aging pathological narcissist. He ought to know all about it since he is a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath/psychopath. He helps people to understand the disorder, but he says he is still one of them.
As, for the spath improving with age, Sam paints a bleak picture. To sum up what he said: they don’t change, only disintegrate badly.
Think about it…if they don’t have a heart or conscience and their soul is black with cancer…what can be their prognosis over time? Dead can’t get life. Decay can’t smell sweeter.
On the other hand, if you were looking for hope(?)…I read about Son of Sam — now called Son of Hope. Remember him? A serial killer.
After 10 years in prison, he got radically, totally saved. He is a CHANGED human being. He went from demon possessed to a shining light; and, it is for REAL.
O.K. It is the exception for sure, but…it is still a changed sociopath/psychopath. Nicky Cruz was also a murderer with a black, cold heart who was into the occult, etc. He also got radically saved and is a totally changed man. Both do evangelical ministry work.
Those examples are out of millions of character-disordered individuals. So the odds are not great. And, note…it was not a process of “mellowing” over time. Those were more instantaneous miracles — acts of God, not self-change.
Sane, yes your right, I find it highly unlikely that my spath ex will suddenly not be the compulsive liar, cheater, and abuser/user that he is. My God, the lies, that part makes me laugh because I’m actually trying to imagine him being “lie-free” !! But mine was good at it, good at managing long term relationships too. But even knowing all this, it still stings when you see a pic of them especially with OW. The deception, still stings.
Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it.
I have been watching the videos and they make total sense to me. I am sorry if i ramble and write on because I am unable to journal and being at work where my np is could be a problem. i am having trouble staying away from him and not wanting to hear from him that he still wants me. I also start thinking hes not a NP its me. but i know the things he has done to me and they do resemble the behavior of a NP. We had an affair for 2 years. that is a long time and in that time he broke it off 1 time and tried to distance several times. I constantly told myself it was my fault that I did something wrong. the problem is that the last 2 years i am in a fog. what i thought meant something didnt mean anything at all. So trying to make some sense of it all. I am getting divorced in this process and I dont think I really wanted my NP full time but I didnt want this to happen to me either. I am finding out through counseling that my whole life people have done things to me and I always felt helpless to stop it or do anything about it. It hurts that I am so fucked up as I am. I dont want to start over doing this recovery and to work through the shit. but i know i have to because there is no other way. so in the process i still have to deal with the people who injured and offended me and to act as if nothing happened. I am not comfortable in my own skin and finding out that I prefer punishing myself and hurting because that is all I know. I am more comfortable with pain than anything else. that is truly fucked up. I wanted to find a site where I could just type and type and type to get this shit out of my head and start to heal. what is healing what is it like to be normal. if anyone knows of a site I can aimless type and journal please let me know. I am tired of being in paid every day. feeling like the walls are closing in and hating being me and wishing i was someone else anyone but me. thanks.
i dont believe it. some ppl just get caught up in very wrong things, such as nicky cruz. others are spaths and spaths can not change. i thought God changed mine. due to his mental illness on top of his PD he can, at times, seem “better”. but what he is never stops. and what he is, and they are, is not human.
i think that is why God doesnt change them. what would He change them to?
well a pet donkey would be nice lol
Pet donkey, I love it! This made me laugh out loud! Thank you
jenna23
Sometimes words are not enough. We are in cyber space. That’s not enough. Are you set up to get instant help from your rape counselor? I hate thinking that you are alone. Do you have family with you, someone to sit with you? Someone to remind you that YOU are a worthy LOVED precious woman? Someone in the flesh to hug you and remind you that it’s an AWFUL day but you are NOT this DAY, you are just going THROUGH this day.
Worried. Please don’t suffer alone. Go BE with someone. I wish you were my daughter. I’d be there in seconds.
Do they ever settle down as they get older? Especially if they know that their supply is limited and they know they’re getting older?
I would answer no to that question. My N is 54 and I am 40. He is still very suave and knows exactly what to say and has no issue in the bedroom. Their supply will always be there.
This is day number 1 of No Contact for me. I have finally blocked his numbers and emails. I am strong and can get through this.
Has anyone just packed up and left? Moved to a different town or city to get away from it all? That is what I am feeling.
This is day number 1 of no contact. I don’t want to have any contact. I want him to go away and never bother me again. But I know that he will even though I have blocked his numbers and email. He can go several weeks without any contact and then a call or email will come through saying that he misses me, etc. And every time, I have gone back. The same pattern over and over and over. I am so exhausted from it all.
Packing up and leaving may sometimes be the only way to escape.
You can try changing your phone number and getting a new email. If you do, be very careful that no mutual acquaintances have the new info, because they can be conned into giving out the information. Make sure that your family knows that under no circumstances are they to help the spath contact you or even pass along messages for him. Trusted friends (who are NOT in contact with the spath) should also know this.
You will need to decide if you want to keep up with friends who are part of the spath’s social circle. Anyone who has contact with him is a potential link from him to you and a potential tool for him to work his way back into your life.
Good luck. You are strong enough to do this!
Right now, I just feel like I am in a vicious cycle. My family has no idea about him. I have kept this secret for 2 years. I know that they have seen the pain in me and wondered what is going on but the subject has never been broached. They have never met him. So many times, we have said that we were going to make our relationship public but he always had an excuse, etc.
The reason why…and this is hard to say…I was a new narcissistic supply. I was the OW. So until I wasn’t I really didn’t see who he really was. Now after some time, I do. It all has fallen into place. The weeks of no contact even after he got divorced and moved out, all makes sense. The fact that I am blocked from his cell phone makes sense. The making of plans and then the last minute cancellation makes sense. The couple of times we have been out in public and then I say something and it makes him mad (even though I didn’t say anything mean) makes sense. The control of when and where we see each other makes sense. The no emotion in his voice when we talk about important issues. And all the lies. It all makes sense.
I feel the need to write so I may be rambling today…
I think that I feel worse knowing what he is now. Knowing that he can just discard me without any thought. Without any sense of pain or hurt. That he can not talk to me or communicate with me and he is fine with that. I am sure that he isn’t sitting around at work thinking about this. Typing on a blog/support site. He is probably on the prowl for the next supply. Hell, he probably already has his next supply. I have caught him before. And I was his next supply at a certain point. That is hard to accept.
Freedom15, recently I saw one of those sayings in a pretty picture on the internet that said “If you have to keep a relationship a secret, then you shouldn’t be in it.” This really hit home with me. My relationship with my ex was in the open everywhere except one place – his office. At first, when I still worked there, it made some sense, but after I was gone, it shouldn’t have. (Of course, later I found out it made perfect sense to him, since he was “dating” everything in a skirt there.)
One time we were just walking off a plane from a trip to Hawaii when he hissed to me “I see so and so from work right over there”. I immediately swerved away from him, took off at top speed and didn’t stop until I got to baggage claim. TO PROTECT HIM. Humiliating. You know what he said to me when he caught up?
Gee, I didn’t know you could move so fast.
We had been together maybe 3 years at this point. We were both single. There should have been nothing to hide.
Thank you, HanaleiMoon. I know and knew that I should not have been in that relationship. By the time I realized that, I was in way to deep. My emotions were completely consumed with him. My every thought and breath was centered around him. I tried to walk away so many times. He was married so I tried to separate myself from him bc he wasn’t with me every day. BUT he did talk to me every day and he emailed me over a 100 times some days. He saw me when he could. Then of course, he would tell me he was leaving his wife and we were going to be together. Very classic stuff. And when his wife finally divorced him and he was thrown out there. I really saw the true side of him.
You talk about protecting him…wow, so have I.
I am thankful that I can just vent here. That I can let the pain out. Today has been hard. I have put No contact into place for me. What is funny, I haven’t heard from him either.
Freedom, I understand, it is really hard to accept. There is so much that they do that is hard to accept, mine was never a single day without a woman, was cheating on me then moved out of house and right in with OW. It made me sick. I later found out that at one point I was the OW as well too (he was living with someone when I met him and silly me actually believed that it was just a roommate like he said. He clearly left out alot)
I would sit and wrack my brains trying to figure out when and how he did all his luring, and dirty deeds, it got to the point where all I uncovered was lie after lie after lie! Then I became obsessed with everything about it, the anger, etc. I was also obsessed with outing him to OW and anyone else for that matter. I actually started to wonder if I am the sociopath because I felt I lived and breathed revenge and anger. It was very difficult, and I’m still healing. I just posted yesterday about seeing pic of him and OW all in love and I could feel the setback of hurt and anger creeping in. And I find myself starting up with the “maybe he will change for her”, or maybe mellow with age and not do all those evil things and lie and manipulate. It’s still hard and the only thing that I can say that makes sense is that time will heal. Time is really the true healer in this for us. They are black holes, without a sole, all negative energy. The things that they do are not how normal people treat others. All of us on here tell our similar stories of the abuse and everything we gave to them, or gave up for them, we provided, we loved, respected, and all thought that we had our futures with them only to be blindsided in such cruel and evil ways. That takes time to heal. Always here for you, so vent away!
I am in the same place you are except i work with him. i would see him play around at work get messages and he was married. It was horrible. I just wanted to be wanted authentically. He twisted everything. when he and his wife let this girl stay with him and he wound up sleeping with her at his home and while his wife was sleeping. its just sick. i was so attracted to him and was in love with him and he used me so much that i didnt realize it. i was blaming myself for his distancing when all the time he was with her. what a mess and i feel so lost. I tried the no contact but my job will sometimes have me speak with him. he is full of games and trying to manipulate me. I am at fault at trying to speak with him and i miss him. I am so messed up and today is hard for me too.
Thank you, Sashastrong. It really helps to read and re-read these posts. I have felt that maybe I was the sick one as well!! I would think…maybe I need some help. Maybe I am the one with the problem. I would even tell him that I was sorry for worrying so much. OMG, makes me sick to my stomach!!!!
I outed him with his then wife. After another, “I cannot do this anymore, blah blah blah.” I emailed her and told her everything. She, of course, had no idea that he as still seeing me. She had already filed for divorce but he was going over there all the time, spending the night, trying to sleep with her, etc. She told me that he asked her every day if he could move back home. She always said no. She was glad that I told her what I did bc she had thought about dropping the divorce and letting him back in. I guess I did her a favor. And I would have thought that after I told her, he would never contact me again. If that was done to me, I would have dropped him in a heartbeat. After 7 days, he contacted me. Called and left a voicemail saying that he hoped I had a great life and that he wanted the best for me blah blah blah….I was shocked. And, of course, fell right back into his game of crap.
Inthemiddleofheartache….I am as well. As the day goes on and I write here, I begin to feel better. I begin to see that we are not alone. I miss him as well. I think that I will for a while. I hate him as well. How crazy is that!! I am sorry that you have to deal with him at work. I am thankful that I do not have to interact with mine. And I know where he hangs out at so I can avoid that place even though I introduced it to him! Which makes me extremely mad.
This is like AA, “One Day at a Time”.
I want to tell her the wife about me and I want to tell the girl that was staying there about me. i would tell him why did you say she was ugly and then sleep with her. he said that nothing happened but you dont text someone 1000 times and the girl gets kicked out of the house and the wife leaves for awhile and its nothing. he said it wasnt physical. yea rite. i know he was with her. he would leave work to go home and it was to see her and when i would complain he then took off early to see me. he started to tell me that i was too much work and that this wasnt fun anymore. that i wanted too much time with him. I was yelled at by my so called friends because I couldnt handle and affair. this guy didnt act like an affair it acted like a relationship. He would distance come back again and do all of that. I asked him if he missed me and he said a little. I wanted so bad to be the one. I know he wasnt leaving his wife even though he spoke of it but to have this done to me. The hardest part is what was real the last 2 years? Nothing.
I hate to say this bc I am also coming out of the fog but No, nothing the past 2 years was real. As nothing with mine the past 2 years was real. They are so good at what they do. They know exactly what to say and how to act.
I am not going to say that you should contact the wife. That is entirely up to you. I was at the end (or what I thought was the end) with him. I wanted her to know. Personally, I felt relief. I thought that would be the nail in the coffin for the two of us. I was mistaken. Like I said in an earlier post, he called me exactly 7 days later. He knew exactly what he was doing.
I have read of quite a few victims who moved to get away.
I am blessed to be able to work at home; and I was able to spend a lot of time out of town with family and friends. It was a huge help to me to get away.
My ex Psychopath’s first ex wife moved across the country.
AnnettePK
I know I moved to a city my ex would never have imagined me living and no, I didn’t tell him where I’d moved to…thousands of miles away. And yet, he kept telling all others that I wouldn’t let go of poor pitiful ol’ nice guy him.
To be fair, yes, it did take me a long time to finally grasp that he was telling me one thing and all other a totally different story. But I found that out LOOONNGGG after I left him. That’s why I’ve kept the proof of what he was doing to me, never know when I’m gonna need it. Might still need it, or someone else might! LOL!