UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
it cant be strength. i dont have any of that. my strength was used up a few crises ago.
its only once the pain of contact exceeds the pain of no contact that you will be able to stop.
which is why it often takes a few stops and starts to stick with it.
the addiction is so strong it’s like kicking heroin. the withdrawal makes you do anything for the pain to stop. physical pain even.
i have been there.
Ain’t
You are right. It can’t be strength. I sure didn’t have any last year. But I managed somehow to keep the no contact .
Spending a day at the beach yesterday I was thinking how glad I am that he is out of my life. Before anything could have put him in a bad mood. A little too much wind, too many people , anything. Also I was always told I was “too” fat to wear a bikini. I was always comfortable with my weight (150lbs), I am 5’6″ and wearing a one piece. But it did not fit his standards. A woman in a one piece bathing suit next to him. Not up to his standard.
Now I can finally be myself. Sometimes the thought is almost scary. And after 20
years with him often I find myself thinking that the house is not clean enough, I am not skinny or sexy enough and so on. Then I go “wait he is gone “. What a freeing thought.
Kaya, you are enjoying relief amd freedom I guess…..your post reminded me of Julia Roberts in Sleeping With The Enemy…so go mess those cans up in the cupboard and have some chocolate! Yay!
i have always loved sleeping with the enemy. even b4 i MET the spath, let alone the narc.
kinda funny huh
i took cues from it tho in case i’d ever need to do such a thing, as i knew even then, how ppl can be deceiving till its too late.
i’d never trust a soul, for example, if i was going to hide. no loose ends AT ALL.
for the sake of the movie they gave her several loose ends. u cant be human wen ur fleeing a subhuman. u cant.
he sounds like a pig
ewwwwwwwwww
good riddance
I followed Tara and Tami’s post last week and felt so bad for their pain. I was glad that I was moving past that stage. UNTIL graduation last Thursday. Of course, my husband was there. Whenever I would tear up or cry, he would hug on me, rub my leg, yada yada, Mostly, I rejected the affection having learned it’s a show or manipulation. He went and ate with our family and acted as if he had never hurt all of us. He was lively and talkative and not the least bit uncomfortable. My family was amazed at how he just slid back in as if he belonged. But we all played along for the joy of my precious girl who was celebrating the big day.
The following morning, we met for a prearrange breakfast to discuss college expenses and finances in general. He avoids all of these subjects and will NEVER have a reasonable discussion about anything. I was hopeful, after the precious evening, that we could make some headway with these discussions and also with our divorce.
He was his normal charming self when we arrived, we ordered our food and had some light chit chat. We even began a discussion about how he could cover college expenses. But then HE DID IT – he managed to turn the conversation to his new whore, how he loves her and wants to be with her. I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming. He set me up again.
Of course, it angered me how he blatantly threw that info out there. I knew he had planned it. He said he loves her and wants to be with her……my eyes tear up and then he adds insult to injury by saying “But I love you and want to be with you, too.” Uhhh,, I thinks that’s called bigamy. That statement started an argument and left me emotional and him with a reason to go away for the weekend. Labor Day weekend. He is such a crapbag.
I could care less that he was spending the weekend away. I wouldn’t have even known had I not met with him. He set the whole breakfast up just to knock my knees out from under me….because he sensed my strength growing. The less I talk to him, he more he realizes that I am done with him. His control is over and he can’t stand it. So, he lures me in to hurt me and make me vulnerable. I’m pleased to say that the betrayal bond is weakening and I no longer go into a terrible depression and panic when he does this stuff. Actually, I slap myself on the head and wonder how I fell for it once again.
No real contact in four months, no sex, no real LoveBombing and the chemical dependency on him is waining. Thank God! I hope Tara and Tami read this and take heed. Every time there is contact, there is an opportunity for them to manipulate us. We can Never beat them at their game. They live without conscience, guilt, or empathy. That is why my husband can sit at a table with my mom, my sons and their wives, my brother his wife, our grandchildren and our teenage daughter and never feel one moment of embarrassment. He seriously believes that after years of his many many infidelities, drug use, alcohol abuses, hepetitis, scabies, lice, STD, job setbacks and lies after lie after lie…… He believes it’s my fault. I was hard to live with. Yea, you think? I couldn’t imagine why.
I’m fighting hard to have as little contact as possible and not to see him at all. My daughter is a sweet soul and finds good in everyone, but she says “Mom, he’s just a bad person”. Bad is a soft word for him.
All this to say, STAY AWAY, No Contact. He ruined my life, I can’t keep letting him steal days with his torture. But I still fall for his stupid traps.
So sorry he messed with your head and heart the way he did. What an evil jerk. At least you know more and more for sure that he is what he is and he treats you like he does, no change. Consider getting a good attorney and deal with his contribution to college expenses via separation agreement, divorce, and other legal avenues. No matter how you handle it, he will blame you, criticize you, and play the victim, so you may as well do what is best for you.
Thanks Annette,
We are legally separated, but he doesn’t do all he is legally required to do. I’ve told him that if he can’t pay for college then he needs to tell my daughter, but he’s too big of a coward. I’m always the bad guy, the one to blame. I pushed him away, I never accepted him, I never was happy. He’s always blaming.
He cheated on my for 20 years. And when he came clean, he shared to most horrific stories of vulgarity and perversion. He is one evil subhuman. But he blames it on me. If I weren’t in the middle of it, I might think it comical.
I’ve tried not to make things worse by using legal means to enforce the legal separation, but I guess I have no choice.n thanks for the advise. That will be the only way I can protect myself.
It’s a fine line between standing up for ourselves, asserting our legal rights, and making them angry, aggressive so that they make it worse for us.
For me, it was a given that I would be blamed and lied about no matter what I did. And trying to work with him or have any kind of expectations (like your sensible admonition to your ex to tell daughter if he wasn’t going to help her out w/ college) yielded nothing because they are not normal. It’s a whole different game, and sadly to the Psychopaths it is a game. It’s so tragic, but for me the best thing to do was to separate my emotions and my grieving from my ex P – it was something that happened to me and he was the perpetrator, but he was not part of any of the emotions or grieving like in a normal relationship that ends. More like having been robbed or raped. When I was finally able to let go and think more strategically, I was able to manage him better to benefit me. It helped a lot when I was able to accept the awful insane evil way he thinks, so I could predict his behavior and choose to do and say things that would benefit me as much as possible. No matter what, it’s a huge loss and caused tons of damage to me and my son, friends, etc. I prayed a lot and my perception is that God intervened to protect me.
SOMEday, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOMEday, u will feel nothing for him except disgust.
the spath contacts me now and it bores me. i do not care if he’s DEAD, let alone hurt or wants to talk to the kids.
i just DO NOT care.
i hang up the phone wen he starts whining. and then i dont think about it again. it doesnt even bother me.
hes a non person.
i know its a long way for u, its been 7 yrs for me now.
for chad to even TRY setting me up would be hysterical, im not interested enough to care. i would never eat a meal with him or be around him long enough to discuss anything. there is no amount of money he can offer me. for the kids even, that would keep me in contact with him more than 3 min at a time. and that’s just becuz im a civil person even when im dealing with a monster.
serious.
hes just a non person. his life is of no consequence to me.
now the narc…just last nite for some reason while walking, it popped into my mind what would i do if he just showed up in my driveway and started crying, begging me to forgive him and asked me to marry him. i wasnt thinking about him at all! we discussed marriage a few times, but i was smart enough inside to know NO WAY WOULD I MARRY HIM.
he doesnt even know where i live. he doesnt care enough to. vamoosh, i am gone out of his universe. thank god.
so in case u think im just a cold hard person to be so completely uncaring about the spath…i still obviously have issues with the narc. thank god he doesnt care enough to care about anyone besides himself and his universe.
Ain’t,
I can’t wait to feel the way you do. It’s coming, I can feel it. Thank you for always sharing and encouraging!
Aintgonna, I love your posts. They really make me chuckle, great humour! Nice for those who are feeling down to read them! Don’t ever change your style it is so refreshing 🙂
aw thank you 🙂
i am pretty blunt, but im glad im humorous too!
and now today we’re actually going to do SOMETHING on a holiday (what little holiday it rly is)…my dads back up north lol
my kids are ecstatic and so my heart sings!
Aint, what books did you read, you know so much? What book did you read about narcissim to know your ex was one? I’ve read about psychopaths and been their victim a couple of times but don’t know much out there about narcs.
I’m not having the best weekend, and I’ve been NC for almost three years. I do so well at keeping my spirits up, and it all kind of piled up on me this weekend. ALL of it is fallout from him pulling the rug out from under my life and still not being back on track. It’s not about him, himself, but about wanting my life back and it seeming to always be just out of reach because he made sure I would lose everything when he discarded me.
When the shared home sold in February, I moved back to my home state. I wanted to stay where I was, but my elderly mom is in the home state (living with my alcoholic brother and in a tight financial situation…she was supposed to move to be near me when I moved but didn’t, long story suffice it to say the addict rules) and I thought that I could come back and pick my life up where I left off. That was overly optimistic. I only have one remaining friend here, the economy is rough (can’t find a job in my field and home prices have skyrocketed in the past year and I am pretty much priced out of the market unless I want to buy in a very undesirable location) and after living for three years in the dream home that had to be sold and waiting for a buyer, now I’m in another temporary living situation and don’t know where to go. I want so badly to be settled.
I’ve applied for jobs back in the other state, where I can afford to buy a home, and discussing with my mom a move for her. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, I’m so tired of being alone with my thoughts and overdue to kickstart my life and become a part of the world again. My pre-psychopath life seemed like it was so light and breezy from my current perspective, I always had my head on straight and was confident about all my decisions and loved my life.
I really guard against getting out of sorts like this, because it’s so easy to spiral. I need to make some wise decisions in the next few months and want to do the right thing. I’m way too old to be moving back and forth, and don’t do well in what feels like a transient situation to me. I’m fine most of the time, keeping busy, doing some volunteering, etc. Spending holidays alone is always hard, even the “minor” ones. I came back to this state with sincere thoughts and I thought good reasoning but now see that my mind was still so confused about the sale of the house, etc. that I couldn’t see everything clearly. I’ve told myself the move was necessary, to find out what would really work for me, and what is possible that I wouldn’t have been able to see from afar.
I guess I feel like it’s taking way, way too much time for me to get back on track and now I find that the old track doesn’t even exist. I feel like I’m treading water in my life and wasting precious time. When the house sold I assumed that I would shoot forward in rebuilding mode and it seems like that’s still delayed. I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I’ve been so patient, but right now I feel like maybe this is as good as it gets. I don’t trust my decisions anymore to know what the right thing is. Feeling sad.
hey could be worse hanalei lol
read my posts to see my living situation and life…im the one who exists to make ppl see–Hey Could Be Worse
not to say, for you, ur situation isnt hard, but if i look at calcutta where the streets are lined with ppl laying there begging till ill to move anymore, well my lot doesnt look too bad anymore either :0
its mentally challenging but u could still be stuck with the froot loop. i tell myself thusly ALOT some days.
I miss sex with him…it was never bad, never. I miss having a life.
But the price i paid, i’d live in a basement instead. i will never be the same. he took that from me. this life now is ok compared to that. what little brain i have left, he didnt get. i rejoice in that.
even if i never get a good life a back. i have life. my kids can grow up without him and his hurts. its enough.
Hanalei,
I’m sorry that you are feeling down this weekend. I hate how the emotion just swallows us up sometimes. I think the unfairness of it all becomes so overwhelming. To have lived honorably, planned our life, followed or goals and to have all that stolen by the selfish choices of another. It’s maddening. Add to it that they don’t even care, well sometimes it is more than we feel we can bare. I’m so sorry your life is jacked up.
I’m in that same position. I don’t know where to turn, what to do, where to start. My Spath husband has jerked me around for a year and a half – I want you, I don’t, I want you, I don’t. I only began healing after I found LF in January. I stuck to my goal of finishing raising my daughter (she just graduated) and I will get her in college. Then, idk what I will do.
To me, it seems like you have made your own goals and stuck with them. You decided to stay in your home until it sold, even though it a great challenge, you followed through. You moved back to be close to your mom – that was a choice and you followed through. I think you are making wise decisions, but just facing so much turmoil and disruption has gotten you off kilter. I know it has me.
I’ve isolated myself for years because of this awful marriage. I excluded myself from activities because if I was with him, I couldn’t trust him and I was embarrassed , or if he was not with me, I was worried of where he was and who he was with. It was easier to stay at home and keep watch. But, that has left me without a life. I have my friends but I just have to get re-engaged and rejoin the activities at church. Right now, I’m lonely and lost so I can relate to how you feel.
How does your heart feel about relocating? What path makes you feel most at peace? Sometimes, I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to do the “right” things, but we lose ourselves and our deep desires in the process. Where do you feel like you would want to be? Are there any things that make you feel at ease right now? I’m trying to work through those questions myself. It’s tough. I hate feeling yuck!
Here’s hoping that you feel a little better soon. I’m send a big hug your way.
you know, that is so true
i once heard this:
what would you do if you knew you could not fail?
omg my mind just RACED when i first read that
give urself a few minutes and think about it
what’s stopping you from doing it?
now theres the kicker :0
Aintgonna, great question. I would move back home, I’m living at the other side of the world. Long story.
What stops us? Our catastrophic fantasies.
That’s because we always think the worst outcome will happen. Rather than think fantasies rarely do happen and chances are things will work out ok for us.
HanaleiMoon
I was having a bad weekend too. Really kicking myself hard for all my failures. Went to bed sobbing last night. Woke up this morning and am MUCH better.
I had forgotten how I set up things to do when I am miserable. I set up a happiness plan one time when I was feeling empowered because I knew I had bad days and no support (did not know about lf then). But I’d been doing well and put away my Happiness Plan.
Only lately, I have back on lf because of fallout from my life with my ex, my daughter has taken a turn that is heartbreaking for me. The pain has escalated, I have really beaten myself for not being there for her. If it was bad for me, can you imagine how much worse it is for a child who has no life experiences to teach her to cope?
This is to explain my mindset this weekend, and to tell you that I very much empathize with your thoughts.
You feel like you’re in limbo, that you’ve identified Satan, but still things are falling apart. That it feels like you can’t get it together.
I want you to know THIS IS NORMAL. The fallout continues for a little while. It’s because you are reclaiming yourself, reclaiming your place in this world, and you are still subconsciously fighting that you even have that right to reclaim yourself. You feel uncertain when it comes to standing up for yourself. I want to validate you and what you are struggling against. That’s why it’s hard, because it IS A STRUGGLE. Struggle is part of the process, but I will also tell you that after a while, things do fall into place, the struggle falls away.
Yes, things will still come up once in a while, but no longer on a weekly or daily basis. I say this so you know that you are indeed headed towards a NEW NORMAL, like I said, where struggle falls away and when crap happens, it’s the NORMAL occasional stuff, not the nightmare no solution bombs of a sociopath.
Right NOW… I read what’s going on and feeling SAD is the NORMAL response. You wanted to be there for your mom. Your brother is a disaster. You know you can’t help him, right? His battle, his lifepath, is for HIM to work out. It’s your mom that you need to resolve. If I were talking to your face, somewhere nice, where there is a breeze and we might be enjoying a glass of wine or margarita, or if non-alcoholic, I love fresh lemonaide, and I’d be telling my friend that she has to self care herself FIRST and then set boundries with her mom, because it’s clear that mom is enabling bro, and we all know that’s a deadend. So bro is out and MOM? I want to help and this is what I can do… xxxxxxxx (fill in the blank).
The simple fact is, like you, your mom is an adult and you can only offer to give what does not destroy you. And as an adult, she can accept or reject. She may reject for now, but you can leave that door open, and in the meanwhile do some selfcare, so you will be in an even better position to help her when she accepts your offer.
Anyhoo, if I were face to face, this is what I’d be sharing with you, and listening to your response of what you think or want. But I’d def be telling you to create a happiness plan. I have a list of about 30 things for me to do to self care when I feel bad. Make the Happy Plan and put it somewhere obvious that you will see (because when I am miserable, I Forget I even have it) I KNOW certain things make me feel better (no alcohol, I sure didn’t need to add any addictions to my misery) and the goal at those low moments is not to FIX anything, but only to FEEL a LITTLE better. Any improvement helps your (and my) brain to process normal daily stuff.
My happy plan has music, certain songs, videos, touch stuff like a certain spa sponge that feels good when I take a spa like soak with candles and music. I know when I look at certain photos or sit in a certain park, nature is VERY healing. I do a stretch routine. These are just examples to get your imagination started on your own Happiness Plan.
Sending you blessings and grace.
BTW, one extra thing I KNOW? …. “this is NOT as good as it gets”. I USED to think that too. But I was WRONG! It actually gets to be WONDERFUL! You can’t see that now because you are still in process. But WONDERFUL is coming. I have it almost all the time now.
HanaleiMoon, guess first decision is the hard one…where do you want our life to be? Old state, new state, where you are now? How do you visualise your life in each if these places?
Trusting your decisons – understand how we can feel we cannot trust ourselves when we made wrong decisons in the past – but weigh the wrong ones up against the right decisons you have made – the right ones will have totally outweighed them….for one you are still alive…..we unconsciously make the right decisons many times each day. Give yourself credit for that and realise you are making the right decisons most of the time.
Bally
Your reply is GOLD. “realize you are making the right decisions most of the time”. Yes!!!!
We do forget that don’t we. We are so focused on our deficiencies that we have blown them out of proportion. Your reply is so insightful. Good timing for me too. It applies exactly to what I have been beating myself up for. I am better today but this is… perfect wisdom.
Thank you EVERYONE for your wisdom and support! It means so much to me. I felt whiny for posting but now I am glad I did, as your words have lifted me up.
What a great reminder: I do know that I am making the right decisions most of the time…and that they are consistently appropriate for the circumstances. I see how far I have come and have no reason to think I won’t keep going forward on a good path.
I’m going to be rereading your comments again and again. I feel supported, validated and understood. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself here and know that it makes a difference.
Notwhat, that is a lovely thing to say, thank you. It is what I remind myself 🙂
Thank god I have no kids with him..he just helped raise my son. He said things to my son like “you know how your mom can be”. Thankfully my son sees thru.him..thinks he is loser and I am better off. Hes a respectful young man and it kills me this piece.of.crap has ruined months of my life with my son.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I sure can understand it as I am new to this manipulation back and forth thing that he does. He has tried to throw his hooks in the past three days but I have not responded to anything. I’m just ignoring it. Trust me, it is very very hard, but I am finding my strength through my kids. They are out of school now and I do not want them to see an emotionally distraught mother because I let him keep hurting me. In my mind that is like letting him win, and I won’t let him win over my kids. I know I will be going through emotions and will take them day by day and talk about it here- not with him.
Wow hoping to heal
How sad that he takes such an important day for your daughter to manipulate and hurt you. That shows right there that you should have no contact whatsoever. I know it is difficult if you share children.
My son says the same “mom, he is such a bad person, the divorce did not bother me, but what bothers me most is that he made my mother cry all the time and for that I am done with him.”
My son is 19 and a junior in college and I know there will be graduation, maybe marriage and grand children one day . The ex cannot and will not be a part if it because he is evil. We are done dealing with the devil.
My family lives in Europe so it’s very easy not to have contact with him.
I am so sorry he put you through more pain. They will never change and I don’t fall for his crap anymore. That’s why I didn’t even look at him in court. His lawyer mentioned “oh you instructed your client not to say anything”. That’s pretty much the truth. My lawyer responded “you talk to me if either one if you have anything to say”. Thank god I had this lawyer for my emotional protection.
Thanks Kaya,
I’m still heading in the direction of where you are. Every time I get kicked in the teeth, it’s a lesson. Staying away from him is my only protection.
I hate that our children had to watch our heartbreak. No child deserves to see their parent tortured. Obviously, your son has learned compassion love and respect from you…surely not by his fathers example. My daughter has learned the same. She wants nothing to do with him. Meh has hurt her so much. Yet when he does contact her, I can still see the little girl longing for her daddy. Bless her heart. But at least our children SEE the truth. Some here on LF are not as lucky and have children who are still blinded to manipulation of their Spath. I feel for them.
Hanalei
I am so sorry that you feel sad this weekend. I know what you mean. Occasionally I think back to my “former” life, my dream home, my “princess life” when working was an option for me and not a way to survive. But then again, do I want to be lied to and blamed and sitting in a closet crying? No material asset is worth staying with this monster. My living standard has changed, I am not a home owner anymore. I have to be careful how I spend money. I must go to work every day.
But I will chose all this over living in hell with him. I would rather work 50 or more hours a week than being his doormat.
I hope you find a fulfilling job. God gave me a wonderful job with excellent benefits. Ironically I was offered that job, going from part time to full time, a week before I was “disposed ” of. This is how God works. He does have a plan, believe me.
Please don’t be sad. Life could be worse. You could still be at the receiving end of his abuse or lies.
I do hope that God has a plan for me and I just can’t see it yet. I am not being spoiled, I am very grateful for what I still have, and I do not want him, or life with him back in any way, shape or form. I am still mourning what I built for myself before he came into my life that was lost because of him…an almost 30 year professional career, savings to support me into my old age, a secure home, secure in myself. Knowing I could take care of myself no matter what came along. Over this time, I have learned to live with much, much less, and don’t miss much of it at all, but owning a home is so critical to my sense of stability and safety. I now feel like I’m on shifting sands at all times. I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining…I wouldn’t want to be on the floor crying either. I just want myself back. I know I am strong and survived something most people can’t comprehend, and I know I will get there…I just have this sense of time slipping away from me.
I feel the same. God intervened to protect me because I would have ended up dead from a heart attack or stroke. It was painful but God decided it was necessary and the only way out. He took him away so I can survive. Let him have his whores, freedom and money. It’s ok with me now because I don’t want him. So the discard was a true blessing. But at the time I was not able to see it until later.
Hanalei, I know what you mean about home ownership. I built my entire adult life also on that and it just disappeared. But you will have plenty if time to rebuild everything. I am working on it now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hoping to heal
Yes it so sad because they don’t recognize the pain the children go through. As an adult child you have a few more options than younger children when it comes dealing with the matter. It’s not mandatory that you accept the situation, nor do you have to forgive and forget. You don’t have to see your parent with his or her new love and you don’t have to continue a relationship with them.
These are the words of my counselor.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to mean a reunion.
Something else she mentioned is:
I you are the parent who lied and betrayed and has found a new love be prepared to face the music. Your spouse and children will feel betrayed and angry for a very long time.
Thank you, my son has indeed learned love, compassion , empathy and being humble from me. He is nothing like his father.
You know one of the biggest sins is pride. And that was the number one word what would describe my ex. Extremely prideful.
Good luck with everything. It’s sad for the children but luckily my son is old and wise enough to see the truth. I could not imagine sharing custody with the evil monster. I feel for those people.
the thing is, the spath doesnt care if the kids like it or not. they decided to risk that wen they left the marraige, emotionally at least, if not physically. if they perhaps didnt realize the true ramifications of their idiocy…being spaths they tend not to think, period…they know it now and they cant go back and they certainly arent going to change. they KNOW this about themselves. so when the kids cut them out of their life, well my heart doesnt bleed for them.
when the kids are small and the others in charge cut the spath out as much as possible, the spath still probably doesnt care as the whole family thing was just a front for a terribly psychotic person, at the very least.
when they get their new shinys, let them run with it.
grey rock them.
be as interesting, ur children’s lives as interesting, as a grey rock. iow–>BORING.
spaths dont face the music. they just plagiarize the music a bit and call it their own now. let them. if you can, buy them the instrument to play the song of their own destruction.
this can be done in a lot of ways. many of which are shared on here over and over.
i dont have to get even. the spath will die alone.
Ain’t
You are so right. You know what really bothers me when random people say “you should encourage your son to talk to his father, after all he is us father”. It would take too long to explain and then they still would not understand .
What would be a good way to respond to those people?
I’ve learned not to talk about the ex P to folks who don’t ‘get it.’ In the past when I said some things about the situation, and got a response like the uninformed advice you get, I just kind of said nothing, “yeah,” “uh huh,” “that’s a thought,” whatever. People mean well, and at one time I would have given someone in my shoes the same kind of ‘advice’ not knowing any better.
Don’t know how old your son is but if mid teens you could say “my son is now at an age that he wants to make his own decisions”.
If sumone asks me that I just say ignorance is bliss. I’ve said it several times.
I also say, the best father he can be is to stay away. That is the finest fathering he can do … to leave them alone. Ppl that want to ask more, generally don’t. That’s a pretty strong statement. I say it seriously.
Remember u never have to defend urself. They have not a clue and wud not believe u if they did.
Bally
My son is 19 and a junior in college but living with me at home. (He commutes to our university here only a few miles from where we live). I am still shocked that his father stopped paying his tuition after we were discarded. He always wanted his only child to get a good college education. That was until the little minions at work crossed his path. It was like he wanted to be the age they are, like 20’s. But in real he is a 45 year old man who must purchase Viagra and cialis to keep up with them.
To me it is so pathetic, unexplainable. My son and I found other ways to pay for his tuition, including qualifying for financial aid and student loans.
I don’t want my ex’s childish behavior affect my sons future. It’s bad enough he took the house away from us and with it his sons home.
I guess they don’t think about consequences and pain they cause. To this day I will never understand his thinking. But then again his father did the same to his mother. Just left her with 5 kids and said good bye and that was it. Got a younger woman at work.
This will end with his generation because I know that my son is nothing like his so called father.
Kaya, lucky your son has you. You are doing what you can for him and giving him a start in life with an education.
Apart from being brought up by loving grandparents to the age of 11 (with mum living in the house too), being the most kindest and caring people on earth, my whole life seems to have been full of abusive people. My mother brought most of them into my life. She was “turned on” by such men. Me, my mum and brother lived with granny and grandad so from the age zero I was subjected to these men. She left my sociopathic father before I was born. Then married one of the violent and abusive men and took us away from my grandparents to live with him in another country. Unlike you, mum didn’t protect her kids but threw us to the wolf and hung us out to dry. It made him seem more manly to her to be violent and abusive to her children. He never even called us by our names but called us “the two objects” and mum allowed it. She would scream and beat me if I cried when he bullied me. Told me I had to call my stepdad “sir” if I wouldn’t call him “dad”. The abuse carried on until he died 7 ago when I was in my 40’s!
I guess my mum was some sort of co-abuser by keeping me in that situation as a child and not doing anything to stop it. Also some sort of sickness with mum to only find abusive and violent men a turn-on. Be proud of yourself – I wish I had of had a mother like you. What a different life I would have had!
Bally,
This makes me tear up and feel so sad. My kids father and I divorced after 12 years of marriage, he had several affairs and was addicted to porn, he ironically had a lot of spath qualities, then after a year being single it was onto the three year psycho relationship. I look at my kids and think they have no choice in the decisions I make. I fiercely protect them, in fact, the biggest complaint in this last relationship was I give them too much of myself. Whatever, mine are 13 and 17, I want them to grow up and understand how to treat people. They are what has pulled me out of this mess, just by looking at them and being determined to protect them.
After reading that I just wanted to give you hugs.
Tami, caught your hug, thank you! However when you read posts here my situation was nothing compared to others with sociopathic parents.
But it sure felt like hell when a kid!
You are right to protect your kids.
Worse than the abusive and violent stepdad, was the fact mum appeared to like it when he dominated her kids and dominated her. I’ve never understood this as her parents brought me up as they did her and were so kind and caring. He wasn’t even faithful to her. Why was she only attracted to violent, abusive and domineering men?
Thank goodness my grandparents brought me and my brother up during the informative years.
That was a major complaint of the narc too. Guess what, they’re selfish children. Of course all ur attention is posta be on the ruler of the universe. Ur kids come last, if at all.
Jerks.
Just be aware it’s a universal complaint. Meaning… it’s meaningless. It’s not you. U were a good mom.
You could also say to these people “thank you, I know you mean well” and leave it at that.