UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Absolutely , they will use any way to wiggle themselves back into your life. They hate being ignored. I am not sure why , because they already have new narcissistic supply? Like my ex, always finds way to put some blame on me for his leaving after 20 plus years. It does not bother my anymore and I don’t respond. But why can’t they just go on with the new minions in their life ? I reduced the ways he can contact me by changing phone numbers, emails and I don’t use facebook. Him being a cop it is very easy to find out information. Now after 2 years I would think that he gets the hint. We want nothing to do with him. But he keeps trying. It’s so pathetic. He once asked for a restraining order and now wants contact. I will never give him access to my life again.
I also stopped trying to figure him out. It will never make sense. I focus on myself, my son, my pets, my job and life. What he is doing is none of my concern. He wanted his freedom to be a pervert. I guess the grass was not greener on the other side. But it’s too late, he burned down his own yard. Now he must live with the consequences.
There are is nothing “normal ” about all these men. A wife and a girl living at the same house and a girlfriend. They are all perverts.
My ex told me once that “before he met me” (yeah right) he would have sex with this female army officer during their lunch break until she wanted sex too much. It was totally forbidden to have a relationship between enlisted soldiers and officers. The stories he told me were crazy. We were married for 20 years and I would hear them. The next sentence would be “of course you would do not do this stuff, you are old and boring “. He was obsessed with sex nonstop. It was like a task that was becoming exhausting for me. Work , clean , cook and raise the child and then be available for sex at any minute. I sure don’t miss those times. In the end I did not enjoy anything with him, including sex. Because it was all fake and not sincere.
I wish guys like that would not even bother getting married, just have some potato tires and please not have kids with them.
I over the entire drama now after the discard , court battles and starting all new. I would not trade my new life for anything. It was extremely painful, degrading and exhausting. To this I remember when I told him “you want war, you will have war”. And I had the better weapons , my attorney. I don’t think he will ever mess with me again. Just all of you, stay strong and don’t be sad. One day soon you will look back and thank God for taking this evil monster out of your life. Life will be maybe not easier but so much better. I would rather work 70 hours a week then being married to him and stay home.
My ex once pushed me to the point where I was curled up on the floor, crying and shaking uncontrollably. He looked at me with disgust and said “you can’t handle it” and walked away, leaving me there. He knew me well enough to know that that would motivate me to show him I could handle it.
I didn’t show him because I COULDN’T handle it. So I just hoped that incident was an anomaly.
Months after the final discard, I found myself on the treadmill at the gym fantasizing about wearing motorcycle boots, finding him and taking him by surprise. Knocking him down and kicking the s**t out of him, and making him beg me to stop. Breaking bones and fixing it so he’d never have sex with anyone again. Kicking him some more. Then, when I knew any more would kill him, looking him straight in the eye and saying with disgust, “you can’t handle it”. And then walking away. Because, see, that is analogous to what he did to me.
I enjoyed this fantasy for a few weeks. I know I could never do anything like that in real life, but thinking about it helped work through some anger. I am more than happy to be old and boring. I wish I’d never been exposed to even one tenth of what he exposed me to.
True Confessions: She was a HEROINE to all my friends at the time as well as myself.
But jenna, you left out the best part! pitching it out the window of her car as she drove down the street, ha ha. 🙂
Then (ha ha ha) they went back and picked it up off the pavement — and sewed it back on.
(snigger). 🙂
That just shows us all, what the damned thing is worth.
OK “if wasn’t for low class, I wouldn’t have no class at all” so I will volunteer that I inwardly wondered whether there would be anything left to pick up off the pavement in my personal husband’s case…?
As once having made the cut…er….that would be, like, the whole — banana? or ….?
as I said, I have no class! and therefore enjoy heartily the notion of removing it but have never quite gotten the gist of having anything leftover. As you said, perhaps this is a technique she had considered and mastered? as if my recollection serves me, she actually called to report the crime herself and probably even pointed to the weenie in the street.
So to speak. 🙂
OMG No Contact, did she really point it out in the street? I forgot that detail!
You made me laugh so hard Diet Pepsi came out of my nose!
Well Moon, I have imagined it just….well…lying there….:-) so it would not have “stuck out” or anything, am I right?
Send the Diet pop over, I am snorting myself! 🙂
OMG!!! I just looked it up on Google and she had actually pitched the peepee into a FIELD where it was “found after an exhaustive search.”
Really, I am gasping for breath over here…:-)
ya just can’t make this stuff up.
“John went on to make another blue movie, the aptly-titled “Frankenpenis”, and tried to cash in on his notoriety and pay his medical bills by starting a band called The Severed Parts.”
Thank goodness that it was found “after an exhaustive search”, or else John might not have gone on to be so successful!! 😉
Lady greeting husband fire fighter after hard day on job: Hi honey! What did you do today?
I spent the day exhaustively looking for some dude’s dick. How about you?
A blender comes to mind…
Somehow, I like the idea of the garbage disposal better.
Jenna23, It is their nature; they don’t have the capacity to care about anyone. They only pretend to care when they think they can get something. Since you are on to him — even to the point of exposing him to other potential and present victims — he has no use for you; and, you are a detriment to his schemes.
It hurts because we want it to be real and like what they professed it to be or led us to believe. All the pain in the world won’t bring them back to our illusions, nor will it change them. The bubble has been burst.
It is one of the hardest things to accept that they just weren’t there like we thought. We loved a mirage.
His lack of “concern” only reveals his heart, or should I say lack of heart. You really don’t want or need someone who abuses you in your life. He so doesn’t deserve you.
It helps to be grateful that we have been delivered and they are gone. No need to add to our pain by missing what was not. Congratulations on 60 days NC.
Hugs
Lying is better than truth for them. They delight when they can lie to us. It is delicious fun; it bakes their bread.
jenna23
when mine was engaged to marry during our last year together and he would deny the whole thing”when he finally told me the truth he said he didn’t lie the past year he “misconstrued” the truth so i wouldn’t get hurt”what a crock of BS
it was just an easier way for HIM not to tell the truth at the time, he couldn’t care if i was hurt, i was going to be hurt anyway”.he just prolonged it all to benefit him
Jen, did I understand you to say (many pages back, sorry if I have you confused with someone else) that you were recently divorced, and so was he? If you were in that situation, then did you leave your husband for this spath guy (or whatever it’s called)?
Here is an article from Psychopath Free that has a lot of very helpful information as well as links with more info on each topic. Jenna, I feel like this article might help you get over some tough humps.
https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?324-Top-10-Frequently-Asked-Questions-about-Relationships-with-Psychopaths-Narcissists
Jenna23, honey, it is about him, not you. He HATES his former wife, who had the money & stuff and who is trying to strip him of as much as possible. Since he is a spath, he thinks it ALL belongs to him — but, not so. His world is being threatened and he is filled with rage toward women. You were a vehicle for his MISOGYNISTIC HATRED. It is not about you. It is about a man-child who wants everything he sets his eyes upon and when things don’t go his way, he throws a temper tantrum until he gets his way.
He needs to grow up and get a heart. And, sweetie, you need to stop letting him hurt you by proxy.
Jenna23
sane and free wrote such truths!
This man HATES women with an insatiable rage. He married a woman for what he could get from her and she divorced him because he’s a parasite. (She needed kaya48’s attorney! Maybe then she coulda kept the house and car.)
As a parasite, he has a house that he uses to snare the vulnerable. He scammed you.
You didn’t deserve what he did to you.
Because of what he is, there was never going to be a happy ever after with him.
He scammed you and then he raped you, violently. More than once.
As awful and bad as you feel now, it is better than what it could have been.
He raped you when he forced you in bed before. He ESCALATED the violence of the rape into what he did the last time.
I am CERTAIN it would have ESCALATED more…
so as bad and as much as it hurts, I am GLAD you are GONE FROM HIM.
Now, as the article says, you are responsible for you. And that’s a GOOD thing, because that means joy and love and care is possible for you….
ALL good things are possible for you now that he’s gone.
Jenna
Who knows how or why his misogyny began?
But, it is clear from his cruel, vicious, CRIMINAL treatment of you, that he is one VERY ANGRY MAN.
Since he might indeed have a lot to lose in the divorce settlement, it makes sense that he would be angry with his wife who is threatening his lifestyle.
Since he can’t take it out on her, he takes it out on any female victim he can.
Best stay out of harm’s way of these types. Far away. Like invisible.
He hates everyone, and dumps his wrath and other rotten behavior on everyone. You did nothing wrong. You do not deserve to be mistreated. You deserve to be valued, respected, protected, and loved. He would have treated you the way he did not matter what you did – despite the kind things you did for him. There is nothing you or anyone else could have done nor can ever do to change his behavior. It is his choice, and not your fault and not because you deserved it.
Jenna, the article will help you begin to understand his motivation for what he did to you. Please print it out and keep it close by, read it over and over. Please. It will help.
This sentence is so, so true: “There is no greater victory to them, than to watch a kind & cheerful person self-destruct.”
It is just short of 3 1/2 years ago that my ex discarded me. He spent a day idealizing me and talking about how wonderful our future was going to be followed by a day and a half of words and behavior that were engineered specifically to cause me to self-destruct. And I did – right in front of him – not understanding what was wrong, why he was doing this, begging and pleading. I have never told anyone this, but here you go – he pushed me so far that I actually ended up on the kitchen floor, my arms wrapped around his ankles and kissing his feet. Pleading. He didn’t spit on me, but he might as well have. (He came out for a job interview – paid full fare – he was so excited about the opportunity, saying if he got the job, he could be moved out in just a few weeks! Reality, he had already moved on with someone else at home. I guess he filed the trip expenses under “entertainment.”)
It took months for me to realize that he had carefully orchestrated my self destruction over the course of YEARS. He eroded my financial security and then obliterated what was left in one sick action. There is one part in the article that talks about why didn’t they get out sooner – to prevent all the destruction – I asked myself that question for MONTHS. Now I know why – because he wanted me to be destroyed. He undermined and ultimately sidetracked my career. He cut me off from things I loved that I can never get back. He tried to steal my spirit and my soul.
I am now so grateful he discarded me. You will be too, in time.
Knowledge is power. YOU are the most important thing in your life, and now, YOU are in the drivers seat.
HanaleiMoon
This is SUCH a wonderful link. (psychopath free) I noticed the articles lists on the left side and one that I think Jenna needs to read is the Stages of Grief from a Psychopathic Relationship. Wow. Totally different than the normal stages of grief and SO true about psychopaths!!
NWHSOM, I’m glad you like the link! Psychopath Free has a lot of very good information. I follow them on FB and they post a topic pretty much every day. They are always great reminders and refreshers!!
Sane
You are so right. They think they are entitled to everything. In my divorce it was all his. All the money , everything belonged to him. When he left he chAnged all bank accounts and took my access away. I was left with nothing. He stopped paying the mortgage , he did not care what his son ate.
Of course, that only lasted a little while until my lawyer filed motions. Even in court , he wanted to be God. He was higher than the judge, the law.
If you think they will be nice to you after a discard , forget it. I told my lawyer “hd would never stop paying the mortgage”. My lawyer said “wait and see, he is evil”. He was right.
I remained strong. He walked all over me for 20 years, I had it. There is no reasoning with them. That’s why they never give an explanation why they do evil stuff. Because to them it’s just being “normal”.
I am glad I don’t have to worry about him cheating and lying anymore. It was really exhausting and draining to play detective. If there is no truth, there is no trust. And without trust there can’t be love. Ever.
Kaya48
Sounds like we had very similar stories. Except for one twist…my 1st lawyer (after 1 1/2 years) was snowed over and mesmerized by my x-spath. He was just blinded by him. A 30 year jaded NY attorney. He dropped me ONE MONTH before court.
My then husband had been telling me, fire your lawyer and tell him you trust your husband. Like we could work together and come up with a deal. Yeah right. That was a HUGE red flag for me. Even in my fog, I knew something wasn’t right with that! If after over 2 decades of him being like he was and then treacherously walking out on me, etc. was I to trust him that we could work out a reasonable settlement?! I was confused, but that didn’t seem right.
I didn’t know how much trouble I was in when my lawyer dismissed me (because he couldn’t extract anymore money from me). I told my then husband that my lawyer had dropped me. He said, drooling (hidden), “That is probably for the best.” Sounds rather benign, but, I could sense his predatory chops smacking. It was clear that he thought it was “check” and “checkmate”. He gloated (hidden) that “Now, I have her…I will decimate her.” Their sadistic malice and cruelty is truly inhumane and knows no bounds.
I got worried that I was going to have to fight him toe to toe in court. I called prayer lines. The message always was, “God, help her to find a good lawyer.” That had not even entered my mind. I had spent all available money; and here in NY they want $5000 for a retainer. There was 1 1/2 years of paperwork to go through before trial. And I was a cloistered homemaker, totally isolated with no family. I knew no one. I had left my church (see previous post for that story). The circumstances were frightening and CRUSHING. Never has a person been in such a vulnerable “curtains” position. It was a Red Sea experience for sure.
To make a long story short, God led me to a female attorney who took me right away and who did not demand a retainer. I found out latter that she is gay, so much the better so my x-spath couldn’t sweet talk her. Not that he likes women, he just knows how to play them and con them.
My new attorney got up to speed and defended me in a very liberal, progressive anti-homemaker NY court. Very bad odds. My then husband, acting as pro se, was so humiliating and cruel in court to me and had the SUPREME COURT JUDGE eating out of his hand. It was hell on earth. It was all so very scary.
I was like a zombie. I still loved the person who was cutting me to pieces on the stand and twisting every good of the marriage into wickedness. I was stunned, too hurt to cry. The pain was beyond words. I had actually prayed with him outside the court room just like old times. I was so confused.
He tried to con my new lawyer into changing the grounds of divorce to no-fault. Yeah right. My lawyer really wasn’t on to him at that time (neither was I) and went along with it. When I realized what was happening I told them both, it is adultery, period. I stood my ground because I knew that was the truth and what was right. She then fought for me and won on that. It was all very complicated, but she won for me on the grounds issue. He was furious.
Then after the 3 day hell-on-earth ordeal called divorce court, we were done to await the verdict. Six months later, I was divorced on grounds of his emotional cruelty, inhumane treatment and adultery. I saw Satan’s rage in his face on that one.
And, he sure didn’t like the terms, either!!! He immediately filed an appeal which has been going on ever since. It is so like them, the spaths…they just have to win, no matter what. There is no peace for the wicked; they have to constantly stir up muck…they cannot rest unless they have made someone stumble.
I agree, Kaya, it is a mercy we don’t have to deal with the lies, cheatings, mind-crazies, etc. etc. etc. anymore. On occasion, I still get a glimpse of how does when an e-mail passes from him through my lawyer(s). In just one e-mail he used smoozing, divide and conquer, the famous pity-play, intimidation, threats, quilt-tripping, slander, gaslighting, truth-twisting and manipulation. And, it was a very short e-mail!
I believe he has set his own trap and it will hold him bound. What is amazing to me, is that no matter what happens, they always try to turn it around, whitewash what they have done and NEVER GET IT. They are so totally clueless; and, that is the self-destructive part built into their disorder.
saneandfree, ugh! I hired an attorney to handle all communication between me and my ex (70ish female who seems to chew nails for sport, lol). At first, my ex went through her, but when she wouldn’t take his crap, he wrote me a long letter detailing what the best plan of action was to “protect me and my assets” and that he recommended we proceed on that plan, there was no need for an attorney, he could save me that expense and we could handle everything ourselves.
Uh”no.
He ended up hiring an attorney and nothing he said in that letter came to be. He quit paying his share of the house payment (can’t support two homes), reneged on his agreements to pay for repairs to the house (didn’t want to put any more money into that “s**thole – was his dream home a few short months earlier).
When the house was finally listed for sale, I stupidly hired a female agent. I gave her the bare bones story and emphasized she was working for ME, and it was clear after the first few weeks he had seduced her over the phone and she no longer had my best interest in mind. I’m sure he told her I was unstable. I switched to a male agent and no problemas mas.
He was using God’s name in vain, when he led you in ‘prayer,’ about actions that are clearly against God’s instructions.
Annette
What a fool for him to try to pretend to pray to God when his whole life is MOCKING Him. My x-spath’s whole life is blasphemy. He is poking his finger in God’s eye. Not good. Stand back in case the ground just opens up…
Hanalei
I did the same. The night he left I was “clinging ” to his arm only for him to push me away with the words “don’t ever touch me again”. “I am not in love with you anymore.” A man I was married to for over 20 years, thf mother of his only child. He might as well spit on me , you are right. Just like garbage. I will never forget the coldness in his eyes, that he pushed me away , reduced to a sorry , crying ball on the floor. I pleaded with him, I begged and apologized. I apologized for him cheating and lying to me. Where was my self worth??
And look Hanalei how far we have come. Yes, we lost material things, we list many years of our life , we got so hurt and betrayed. But we are still here. And we survived. Sometimes I look at the blue sky, the sunrise or sunset, and that’s all I need. We were never loved and cherished the way we should have been. So in reality we lost nothing. Instead we gained our freedom, peace and sanity.
Kaya, we were so manipulated and brainwashed that self worth was impossible. I remember a side of me thinking what is the matter with me, I’ve never acted or felt like this in my life get a grip, but I was unable to. I now understand why. I was nothing more than a puppet when I was around him. My therapist told me that the fact that we never lived together full time and that I had a job and a few days a week away from him probably saved me – it gave me a toehold in a normal world.
I am cranky and irritable and on edge right now. I had to contact my attorney this week and ask her to work on getting the tax document for the mortgage from him so I can do my taxes. It has really triggered some anger. I used to get like this around the first of the month each month, wondering if he would send his share of the house payment. I haven’t felt like this since last February when we had to complete all the paperwork for the sale of the house, and I kind of forgot how uncomfortable it was. This one document is the last thing I ever need from him.
Maybe too late to help, but you can sometimes go on line and get the 1098 form for the mortgage interest, or go directly to the lender, unless your name isn’t on the loan. On line can work if you have enough info, if you know his SS, etc.
Thanks Annette – I just called the lender and they can send me a duplicate copy because I am on the loan. Yay!
HM, glad that you were able to do this. I was just going to reiterate that is exactly what I did for anything tax related so that way I’d have no contact with ex. This tax season will be my last reminder (if you will) of him. We weren’t married and home just sold last year. Not sure of your situation, but with mine I was first name on the loan so when I called lender, and insurance co, I gave my new address and instructed it was not to be changed (in case he called them also), and any remaining paperwork was to be sent to me (checks too, as we had money coming back to us).
sashastrong, this tax season is my last formal reminder of my ex also. Same as you, we weren’t married and the home sold last year.
Unfortunately, his name was the first on the loan, and the address of record was his house.
I’m feeling relieved that it looks like this is going to work out without a problem.
Good, I’m glad for you!
You are welcome. Glad it worked out.
I did my share of begging and pleading for mercy. I also threw a cutting board at him (missed, on purpose probably), tossed a glass of water at him, and struck him several times. All of it engineered and orchestrated by his ‘crazy making’ behavior that I allowed to make me crazy.
I am more glad he’s gone for the sake of my bad behavior than for his bad behavior towards me.
I am having a hard day today. Day 3 of no contact. I am very down. Could not get up and go to work. He hasn’t contacted me. I looked on some websites to see if he was on them. I hate that I’m still obessing over this. He doesn’t care. I know this. Why do I care so much? God, this is depressing. I’m sick to my stomach.
freedom15
i was just like you at my beginning of NC back a few months ago”i figured if i stopped talking to him, he may notice, he may email and wonder what is wrong, or ask how come i haven’t contacted..he didn’t do that at all”i even was hopeful at the time, when everyone said they come back to hoover, that he would! that was all at the same point you are at now”i admit as time went on and i continued to read, share my stories, listen to advice and read some more daily, the suffering subsided”thank god it was between september and december because i could keep myself busy with xmas and it truly distracted me..i know its hard to believe when people say it gets better..i had doubt as well..just like you being depressed and sick to my stomach”
keep talking, keep reading as much as you can, understand the way their pea sized brains think and i promise bit by bit it moves from the front of your mind to the middle of your mind and i will tell you when it gets to the back of my mind 🙂 some people heal much quicker, some slower, everyone is different.
freedom15
It is very hard at first. Like going cold-turkey from some drug addiction (which it is). Hang in there. It will get better. The longer you stay NC, the more the fog will clear and the stronger you will get. Don’t give up your gains. Going off NC means starting all over again. And each time the discard and pain will be so much worse.
Sane
Wow what an ordeal you had to go through. My state is a no fault state. Like you I was praying to God to lead me to a good attorney. I was fortunate to find my lawyer. And he is also a criminal defense one , a very tough one. Find to find out that he is the ex husband of my husbands lawyer. It was his first case with his ex wife as opposing lawyer. So it was very “special” to him. And yes, those retainers. My divorce ended up 15000$ for me.
This was the only way I could stand up against the ex. It was over within 13 months. Not bad, but yes I was a zombie also. I don’t remember driving home from court sometimes. I was in a daze. But God gave me the strength through this trial. My ex had Saran on his side and sure was no match for God.
Was he mad about the settlement? Absolutely. He was furious. Well, it was my victory for once to show that I am tougher than he thought I was. Him being a cop did not matter in the divorce. And nobody cared that he is retired U.S. army first seargent. Ha. For once they were on my side. My lawyer made sure that his evilness was exposed in public.
Kaya
My 1st attorney cost me $23,000. My court trial cost $12,000. I have spent over a year of appeal process, probably another $15,000 so far. They go before appeal court this Jan. 22. Please pray for that outcome. We have had back and forth on maintenance. Hopefully soon after all this time we can just get his wages garnished.
My xpnh loves to try to get by with whatever he can. Acting as pro se, all the fun and games he conjures up costs him nothing. Think of all the great supply he gets from withholding, mind-games, control, aggravation, etc. etc. etc. He is a sick one.
He spent $7000 on the 1st attorney to divorce me. All that was dropped since it was from another state. He also hired a PI to get some dirt for the divorce he was going to hit me with. He was so disappointed! Ha! That cost him about $30,000. In the deposition he told my 1st lawyer he “got nothing for all that.” He must have thought I was a person like himself.
But, now he tries to use what “he got” against me in the latest battles: “she can get up at 8 AM and read religious material for six hours.” I think he must have gotten that (if he didn’t make it up) when he bugged my computer. I was taking a seminary course at the time.
Since he used to proclaim to know God and has since defected, he HATES God and anything about Him. He now calls Scripture, “religious nonsense.” I think his apostasy has caused God to show me even more favor. There is no way for him to win when he has set himself up against God. That is a lost cause!
He additionally spent over another $5000 on a third lawyer from NY who told him the facts of life with regard to the case. My xnph fired him and went pro se. I had prayed that God would confound that lawyer and turn all their “wisdom” into foolishness and that they would turn against each other. They did. And, thank God for that because I was truly terrified of that lawyer. He was vicious and took no prisoners.
That is awesome about your lawyer. What an amazing coincidence! How providential! That was God’s protection for you, for sure. Most lawyers aren’t knowledgeable about these disordered types.
Sometimes I wonder why God has let this go on so long (for me). But, then I see His gracious hand of mercy in it all.
I didn’t know what my husband was. I never would have believed it in a million years. Even after all the slanderous court papers he filed, and the monstrous way he treated me in court, not to mention the cruel and unbelievable treachery of his betrayal and abandonment, etc. etc. etc. I COULD NOT SEE HIM for what he was. Talk about denial. I was totally blind to him.
It has taken me years to come to get a grip on things. God carried me through it (just like the footprints in the sand) and when I could handle it, little bit by little bit, God revealed who my husband had become. I go from shock, to sadness, to fury, to grief, back to shock. It is a long process.
But, not only have I discovered about my xpnh and personality disorders, I have learned a lot about God in ways one can never get out of a textbook or sermon or even reading the Bible. That to me has been the very best part.
I have experienced personally up close so many of the promises of God. He has taken me through the waters and I have not drowned; He was with me in the fire and I came out not singed or even smelling like smoke. And, I have seen how God deals with the wicked. It has all been amazing, awesome and precious.
Your ex was a cop, a 1st sergeant? Wow. Plus empowered by Satan. You were up against a formidable foe for sure. Scary situation. What a great victory for you, especially to demonstrate to Mr. cop how strong you are no matter how he tried to diminish and destroy you. He is probably still scratching his head, “What happened?”
Like you said — Satan is no match for God, no matter what he thinks. He is a defeated foe. And when he is exorcized, he comes out rending and tearing, trying to destroy as much as he can. It is just his nature. Doesn’t matter for us; God will restore. But, the evil ones only have themselves 🙁
SaneandFree, your words: “I COULD NOT SEE HIM for what he was. Talk about denial. I was totally blind to him.”
My words: “Love is blind.”
I didn’t make that up so I had to put it into quotes, ha ha. 🙂 The last thing I need is a copyright violation, right?
LOL!