UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
sashastrong
you had me laughing when i read your comment about how a spath finds time in the day”I’m visually imagining what they must go through”mine used to get nervous and upset when i would wonder where he had been if i hadn’t heard from him in a day or so”he used to complain there was way too much going on in his day!!! OMG he was unemployed!!! he sat at his computer all day and he claimed he was just way too busy to email me..(we lived in two different countries so we communicated that way when we weren’t together)”now i understand why he got nervous when asked where he’d been”of course he was too busy to contact me”red flag 733!
i can ;understand how that pic set you back”especially with OW”yeh that would do it to me too”but a whole year is fantastic!!! yay you!
and you are never alone”you aren’t with him, yes, but as long as you come on here i will hang out with ya 😉 xoxo
Janedoe,
Awwwwww…thanks jane! I feel better already! I’m always here to hang with you too! Now if only we lived around the corner from one another so we could have a glass of wine and some laughs together!
Now did you ever hear from your ex after he did his 360?
hi sasha!
well…yeh i heard from him back and forth for a few days…it was my first time having had broken NC in 4 months until he declared his “love”
i started to fall for it…the only thing stopping me at that time was he was newly married…he suggested getting back together, how much i meant to him, he isn’t working on his marriage etc…i told him not if she is involved i won’t consider anything and he was basically telling me she isn’t important anymore, calling her bad names…but at the same time she was not a horrible person and wished her no harm..i was sort of getting the impression they weren’t staying together..so i had a lot to think about..did i think it was a hoover? i didnt think properly at the time…the next day, xmas morning, an email from him saying how much he loved me, how much i meant but he has hurt me before by running off to marry her and lying to me about it and he is afraid to make promises to me and in the end they may not happen…he wanted to still continue messaging but he couldn’t plan anything at the moment to get away to be with me and she is a good girl…OMG yeh now i saw the hoovering after a day or two…not to mention i figured it was a good time to mention that the last time we were together on vacation, a month shy of his wedding i didn’t know about, i may have possibly gotten pregnant. i had gotten my period a while after thinking i was pregnant and the doctor claims it could have been a miscarraige OR an irregular period due to pre menopause…we will never know…he didn’t respond very nicely to it claiming i was making him guilty…so i apologized for making him feel not guilty lol…he only wrote me back a week later ssaying he was confused about this situation..and i just didn’t respond because its so so stupid…funny how he wanted to have constant communication when he hoovered and now he didn’t bother for a week after claiming i made him feel guilt…
since then i have been back to NC again, and i haven’t heard from him…nice huh? now i am beginning to see the truth much more than back in the summer when he picked up and left like he did…i am starting to see what he does and seriously think he has some mental issues that were never resolved…i even thought of two personalities in one person…schizoprhrenia.
narc, sociopath, lunatic, psychopath???? ummmm…..whatever it is its NO GOOD!
and how is everything going with you??? it would be nice if we could actually see each other physically and were near one another…we would have so much to discuss 🙂
Sane
So very well stated. In my family all “hell broke lose” once my son and I were baptized and accepted Jesus as our savior. Within about 9 months I was discarded. I could tell how uncomfortable my ex was around us. Do you think our baptism and faith had something to do with his sudden leaving ?
I think once the target can’t be deceived and manipulated any more, the spath has no more use for her. In my case, when I started to see my ex psychopath for what he was and I didn’t believe his lies and truth twisting, he left for good. I got to the point where I would no longer accept anything but right and good behavior, and he knew that.
Kaya
ABSOLUTELY. The darkness hates the light and has to flee. The jig was up for him. You would be able to see behind his mask — no need for him to fake it anymore. Too much trouble. Onto bigger and easier pickings. He was so outta there…
Hi sane
Thank you so much for your spiritual viewpoint. I appreciate everyone here for their honesty and telling so painful stories. It reinforces so much in me that I not alone with that nightmare I went through. I know God was leading me to this website so I Could start and stay in the no contact. I feel for everyone s pain and hurt here, I have been there and never thought it would hurt so much.
I am glad that my story ended with a little “victory ” for me. And I will not let the past 20 years with him and what happened define me as a person.
One day we will find a “true” love and I know even if I don’t I will be ok. I not letting him turn me into a bitter , angry woman. Life is good. We will not “drown” even in deep waters. My feet may fail but I know that my faith will stand.
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace . Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders and my faith will be made stronger , in the presence of our savior.
Love this song by hillsong United. So true.
Hiya Kaya
It has turned out to be a real Godsend here at LOVE FRAUD.
We certainly need the community for reinforcement and support. It is too easy to fall back into the what ifs or the maybe it wasn’t so bad and maybe he really did love me or maybe if…
And, the sharing of our experiences is revealing, affirming and healing. It wasn’t just us. We weren’t bad women, horrible mothers or wives or partners. It was truly ALL THEM. Selfish psychopaths. Nevertheless, it is hard to accept and it hurts.
Like you said — twenty years invested in what? Well, you have your son and that is a blessing. You got saved in the midst (or end) of it. And, that is the greatest blessing there ever could be. Immeasurable. What you lost was dross, not worth keeping. What you gained is priceless.
There is no denying it, the pain and devastation and betrayal and grief are beyond anything imaginable, beyond description. The whole thing is such a nightmare; it is hard to believe that it is a not just a nightmare, but is actually true.
Kaya, I was shocked that you were so recently saved. Wow, God is good to baby Christians (no offense!). But, for you to have gone through all that you did when you were so new and young to the faith is simply astounding.
I am pretty sure that if it had happened to me as a new believer, I would have been swept away totally. God gave you special grace for sure. And, that explains why He gave you such an excellent lawyer who was knowledgeable about spaths.
Special grace and special mercies. And what you had was no “little” victory! It was totally amazing. What a tower of strength you have been…”I am woman, hear me roar!” Go girl!
As for the future, I don’t look too far out. Frankly, my trust is busted. I know that there must be (?) good men out there, but I am not interested (repulsed, maybe). Right now, I am getting closer to knowing God and He has become my husband. That’s Scriptural, if it sounds a little pompous, or strange.
And, I think that — at least for me — that getting close to God and learning of Him is just what God would have. When I took the Pre-marital Counseling class in Professional Counseling, not too long ago, I realized that we try to make another flawed person our soul mate, but actually, God wants to be our soul mate. He wants to be the lover of our soul. Well, He is. And, no one can love us like He can.
God loves us unconditionally and wants the very best for us and knows how to bring it about. He is committed to our welfare and has all the power to provide and protect and sustain us. He wants to show Himself strong on our behalf. He delights to impress us with His goodness, power, glory and Hesed love. So right now I am basking in his love and watching what He is doing. It is a great time, the best time, ever.
Jenna
I am so sorry about your first husband. What a horrible tragedy and grief.
Jenna, sweetheart, God is not disappointed in you. He is grieved that you have suffered so much. It is like all that was done to Him, to His heart.
You were a victim. No doubt made more vulnerable after the tragedy of your 1st husband. Things like that rock our world and we are just open for attack.
It is natural for us to feel ashamed that we got involved with such a wicked, evil person. We blame ourselves. We feel humiliated. But, know that is just condemnation from Satan. That psycho was a trap set up by Satan himself. You were a VICTIM. God wants you free.
God wants to love you back to wholeness; and He is the only one who can. He loves you more than you could ever comprehend. His love is unfathomable. And when we confess our sins, He throws them ALL into the sea of forgetfulness and puts up a “NO FISHING” sign. And, He wants us to leave them there too.
Jenna, this is spiritual warfare of the highest magnitude. Satan is after you to destroy you. Since you are saved, he can’t take you to hell, but he can RUIN your life and testimony and usefulness. And, his tool is/was that psychopath with the playboy mansion and Porsche.
Satan is trying to torment you with memories of all the abuse you have suffered and lying to you that God blames you and won’t forgive you. SATAN IS A LIAR. Lies, lies, lies. All lies. Reject them!
You must be very special for Satan to throw out all the stops to destroy you. God must have some very special work for you to do that Satan wants to thwart. Tell Satan to go to hell!!!
Draw near to God, let Him hold you close in His everlasting arms. Let him comfort your heart. HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. He sent His only Son to die for you to redeem you from Satan, to deliver you out of his clutches and to bring you to Himself. If you were the only person on the face of the earth, He would have come and died for just you. That is how precious you are to Him. You are priceless.
Tell God how you feel. Tell Him everything. Pour out your heart to Him. He just wants you back.
Jenna23 I just had to write and tell you that you sound just like me! Just like me! I sit and wonder how I let this man into my life. Not just my life but my children’s life. Single and celibate for nearly 14 years and I felt suckered. When he left he not only hurt me but my daughters. And I’m going to say this because if it wasn’t for God and the special angels like you He put in my life I would not have made it. My faith is keeping me going. I find myself crying because I feel so dumb. How come I didn’t see all of these signs? I feel now that this was a detour in my life and now I’m on the right path. And something very important I told myself that every time I cry about my ex…he wins. He wins and I refuse to let him win anymore. Those tears are now for me and my healing. And on days when I’m feeling down I still give God praise. I sing, pray, read and most importantly talk with God my Father. I know he will deal with my enemies in His time. You pray for God to heal you. You pray that you can forgive yourself and then that monster. I know every day is better than the day before even when I have a set back. Without a doubt God loves us that’s why He sent us all to this site! Be blessed and remember that you are a blessing to me.
Oh anette.
Wow. I did the same stuff. I almost threw his i phone in the lake behind our house. Instead I threw it in the shower while he was in there. The minions had texted him again. The phone broke in a thousand pieces, he cut his feet in the glass. Kayaking with him I wanted to hit him with the paddle because he left me in the Everglades . He really brought out the worst behavior in me. I don’t miss that.
But you are so right. It was my crazy making behavior. I would never act like this. Wow. What a different life I have now.
He pushed me to the edge so many times. My blood was rushing through my head, I had this thumping sound in my head and I always prayed to God to take him out of my life. And he did.
Sane
No offense taken :). I am indeed a “baby christian”. I found my faith about 4 years ago. I was always a believer but never felt myself so close to God as I do now. A neighbor and his wife came into my life and all of a sudden I wanted to learn more about God. I remember when I wanted to show my ex a video of my son and I getting baptized in July of 2012. He said “I don’t want to see that s***”.
Like you I am not interested in any new relationship. I want to get stronger in my faith, attending small groups in my church and I am so content with that. I don’t feel the need. I just feel wonderful.
By the way my lawyer and I talked many times about God and what he can do in our lives. I know God gave me this lawyer.
Thanks for all your great advice. God bless you all on here .
Wow, Kaya
What another mercy!!! A lawyer who knows about spaths and talks about what God can do!!! Wow. If I weren’t so happy for you, I would be tempted to be very jealous!
My first lawyer was a rabid agnostic or some ilk of that flavor. He started to take the Lord’s name in vain toward the end and I knew it was over. That just couldn’t be blessed.
Then, on the way to court with my 2nd attorney, she blurted out…”I’m Jewish and I’m gay.” My world was already rocked, and I was pretty stunned. What? Really? I told her what Scripture says about homosexuality. Oh, great start! So, I am facing Satan personified in court and I am wondering am I in trouble? Did I miss God? Will He be offended? Should I fire her…? Sometimes all you can do is hang on for dear life.
But, God’s ways are higher than ours. None of this — not even — the marriage, the apostasy, the divorce, nothing has taken God by surprise. And, he is already in my/our future. Good to know.
I know for a certainty now that this association with my lawyer is a God-ordained thing. I see His hand moving in this…it is amazing. She and I had such a special time the last time I went to her office. It was a wonder and a marvel. God is on the move….it is exciting. We are in God’s school and we learn much. (Corrie ten Boom).
Jenna
Praise and thankfulness are powerful spiritual weapons.
Satan HATES it when we are grateful. He HATES it when we thank God. Because he hates God and since we are made in God’s image, he hates us.
Satan tries to take us down by getting us to do something wrong and then he condemns us for it. He is the father of the psychos.
Whenever I feel myself going down (starts with stinking thinking), I think: “pull up; pull up; pull up”…cause I am in a nosedive, going down fast. I immediately start thanking God for ANYTHING that I can. And the demonic cloud of despair goes poof.
When I can think of it and have the strength and clarity of mind, I speak out, “Satan you are a liar; I believe what God says; go to hell where you belong.” Any rebuke along those lines is very effective.
God inhabits our praise. It is protective, like an invisible force field.
Jenna
When we do what we want, that is sin. And, Satan desperately tempts us to do anything contrary to God. Because God loves us and it hurts Him to see us hurt ourselves, Satan strives hard to get us to sin.
But, God knows we are but flesh. That is why we have the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to say “No”. As long as we are in these temples of clay (our bodies) there will be the lure and pull of sin. But, the more we say “no” to sin, the stronger we get against the devil’s wiles.
There is pleasure in sin for a season. But, then pay day comes. It is a divine truth that we reap what we have sown. We feel the pain from the things we have done contrary to God. We suffer consequences.
Know for a certainty that that son of belial, that seed of Satan, is filling up his quota of sin. If he does not repent, he will be punished for every single wrongdoing (thought, word and deed). He will go to hell, no joke, no kidding around and there is no reprieve, period.
His destruction is already happening. These types are imploding as we watch. Sometimes it takes a while for it to show up, but God is not mocked. God is not sleeping. He sees, He knows and “He laughs at the wicked, because He sees that their day is coming.” They will have no excuse. And, God takes that sort of abuse very seriously. Your ex-spath is poking his finger in God’s eye.
You can trust that God will keep His promise. He says, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay.”
When He says something, it is DONE.
Sane,
Are you a pilot?
No.
Annette
We are the pilots of our lives. We don’t have to crash into the ocean of despair or the mountains of troubles or valleys of grief.
If we let go of control and go on autopilot, our lives will spin out of control. But, we can determine to take the wheel of control and direct our lives where we want to go.
Soar or crash. We are the pilots. It is our call. 🙂
Because that’s what synthetic cockpit voice says repeatedly, “pull up, pull up, pull up,” when the aircraft is too low.
Jane doe
See how ignorant and selfish they are. My ex would say the same. It’s all in their head anyhow. Those deseases don’t exist. Media, same stupid answer. You have to remember , they are higher than God, they are invincible. That’s what they think. They are just little, stupid tools of Satan.
Prideful. The biggest sin. That’s what they are. My ex was hours and hours in the bathroom, admiring his “good looks”, his muscles , his private parts. He was so obsessed with himself. There was only “self-love”.
“Husbands, love your wife “.
hi kaya48
yep i know how ignorant and selfish they are now…i can’t believe there is more than just mine that would think this way…i also didn’t know spaths didn’t generally like condoms!
i wonder what they think when the day comes that they do indeed contact an STD??? they probably wouldn’t even then, tell their partner i bet
janedoe, mine got one, gave it to me and then blamed ME for it. He didn’t tell me and never would admit he had it. I’m sure he passed it along to other women knowing he had it and never said a word. Maybe he gave it to his new wife and played innocent. Maybe he told her I had cheated on him and given it to him. Maybe he said he had been celibate for years before he met her and got it immaculately. That explanation has a lot of potential.
They got married about a year and a half ago. I’d like to be a fly on the wall in her mind about now. Maybe they’re not even together anymore.
HM-
I think you’ll be happy to note that I’m pushing to include sexual fraud that includes the transmission of life-altering illnesses in the sexual assault by fraud laws of NY and NJ.
Once it’s established there, it will be easier to move it forward in other states.
Joyce
I have read about people who knowingly spread the HIV virus being prosecuted. Would the same authority under which these cases are prosecuted extend to life altering illnesses?
inthemiddleofheartache
i am glad to hear you are being tested…it was my doctor who suggested it and thankfully I’m good…
can i ask why this girl amanda lived with you ex and his wife?? he was basically cheating on his wife with her at one time and another time with you??
i don’t doubt he will be back to search you out, but be careful there is the wife involved…
i was with my ex for three years and the last year he had been engaged to a much younger girl and never told me about her…he had met her one time anddidnt see one another until they married a year later..but he continued with me anyway, never admitting he was going to marry her…once they married i went NC and 4 months later he came back telling me he’d made a mistake and it was not her he wanted but me and he would do anything to be with me again…
i have no intention of getting involved because of two things…i know what he is now that i have learned everything from here and all the reading i have done and the fact that he is married is enough to be turned off by him…he is a liar and a con and a big time cheater…he is now doing to his wife what he was doing to me, except the roles are reversed and its me he is seeking out
you have to be careful if this man comes back to you, he is married and he cheats with others…
NC is hard as hell, but each time i was determined to break it i would come here…i spend so much time on here going through the articles and the forums and continue reading..it is what saved me!
jandoe i have had this affair with my NP fir two years the whole time he has been married. it was the end of the 2nd yr he and his wife let amanda stay there she was supp a friend. when i questioned him abt her he said i will show u a pic u decide. so they started canoodling so he was cheating on the wife and me w her. its been hard i saw her fb acct and wish he wanted me. i wk w him so thats hard too. i hope i dont hv anything and it doesnt seem hes going to pursue me anytime soon sad a little abt that too
I the middle
Did his wife know that he was havimg an affair with you ? Did you know that he was married or did he tell you lies ? Just wondering ?