UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Hey everyone. Day 5 NC. It’s been very hard. I come here and read everytime I feel down or thinking about contacting him. I have watched the videos and read and read. It really helps. Of course, there is still that voice saying he’s not that bad but I know that he is. I have gone over our entire”relationship”. It was all a lie. He’s a liar and a sicko. He’ll always be that way.
Freedom
Congratulations! Good job! Each day will get better and your mind will be clearer, especially if you keep gathering information.
I wrote out a list of things which the x-spath did, and his attitudes, etc. When I would think “Oh, maybe it wasn’t so bad” and whatever…I would pull out my list and read over it. It cleared up my amnesia pretty quick. And, I would say to myself, “WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!”
You said, “He’ll always be that way.” Truth. He will always be that way. In fact, as they get to be more accomplished liars and hypocrites, they only get WORSE.
Sam Vaknin has some good videos about la-la land and resurrecting the honeymoon illusion.
Stay free!
Sane
You stated to so true “you know what he is capable of”. Never in my 20 year marriage did I envision the extent my ex would go to. I remember one statement during the divorce “when I am done with you, you will be on this road, pushing a shopping cart, begging for money “. This is what he had in mind for me. Our son lives me. Why woukd he want such a misery on his family ? And like I said, he tried everything in his “police power”to destroy me. A “normal” human being would not want to inflict pain on his wife.
Divorce is always difficult. Divorcing a sociopath takes to levels I never imagined. I never thought for once my 18 year old son would have to testify in court in my behalf that I am not a dangerous person. Who would want to put their own children on the witness stand ? Right before my son had an important college exam. I will never forget when judge said “get out of here, this is wasting my time, everything is dismissed “. That was my free minutes of victory , seeing my ex so defeated, so helpless. “But judge, I am a cop, you must believe me”. Ha.
But it also taught me a huge lesson that there are no limits for them. They are out for destruction. Having no cobtant keeps me safe from accusations and whatever he could file against me. He was capable of calling his cop friends and EMS and declared me mentally insane. I was to put away. It didn’t work but it shows how far he would go. Glad he lives in a different county 25 miles away. Even though that county has much to offer, beautiful beaches, I never set a foot in it. :).
Kaya
Your posts make me tremble. Thank God, you not only dodged a bullet, but you missed a nuclear bomb!
Your deliverance is staggering to me. If I had been facing a cop, I would have fainted dead away, never to revive. Well, I guess that is what your x-spath figured, hoped and planned. He would demolish you by fear. What an abuse of power!
I was stunned at his desperation and callousness. To be so malicious to involve your son goes beyond the pale. And — that court involved your son and his energies before an important college exam! Not to mention your x-spath’s trying to split a son against his mother. That is the depth of depravity. A man of that character ought not be a policeman.
I have to think that his selfishness had to boomerang so that he shot himself in the foot (really heart) — that betrayal certainly could not have made your son feel warm and fuzzy toward his dad. That had to have caused irreparable damage.
They don’t see the destruction they cause, and most of it — to themselves. That is Satan…he treats worse those who serve him best. But…your x-spath’s choice. What a colossal fool!
Thank God, the judge was not moved by him! What a mercy! Once again, God’s hand of protection on you. How awesome!
Your x-spath tried to get you declared insane and committed? You are right, there is NO limit to their malice and wickedness.
I know my x-spath had the same intent, to see me begging in the street. I think he comforted himself in his bed every night, plotting it, drooling over it. But, I was “sheltered under the shadow of His wings until the storm of destruction passed by.”
What a testimony you have! One amazing deliverance after another. Maybe you should write a book? You could use a pen-name. It would be very encouraging in so many ways to so many people. I know I personally have been so impressed and encouraged by your story. God is not sleeping and He protects His children.
God hates pride, because it robs Him of His glory.
Pride deceives the heart:
“Yes, pride has deceived your heart, my friend, into believing that though you fly high now-having plenty, no need of anything or ANYONE- yet God will bring you down into judgement; for no one can put off forever his reckoning day with God.”
Therefore, pride keeps you from seeking God and His righteneous in Christ, and makes you say in your heart and by your deeds that you had rather be damned in hell than to admit your need of help from above.
They put “I ” on the throne and with that they are taking the place that belongs to God. I must have my pleasure, I must have my way, I must have everything my heart desires no matter what it costs me or others . Sin is centered around “I “.
When Satan was in heaven as the highest created being in the universe, when he was known as Lucifer, the head angel, his heart was lifted up in pride and he fell to become Satan, the deceiver.
Lucifer was the most beautiful angel. Just like my ex was, handsome and oh so proud.
Dear sane
Thank you so much for your kind words . Thank you for posting. I truly find our biblical posts so encouraging, so honest and true.
Yes, thinking back I know it was God who lead me through this trial. I always felt it in my heart that my ex stood no chance against me, who was protected by the Lord. People asked me “you are always smiling and happy, how do you do it?” Because I am so blessed.
Yes , it broke my heart seeing my son on the witness stand. My lawyer had to use my sons testimony to get this attempt for the restraining order dismissed. It was the “tip of the iceberg”. My son was so disgusted and disappointed with his “father “. He never talked to him again. Almost 2 years ago.
On my state the “baker act” exists. Basically anybody can “baker act” someone. If you are a threat to yourself or others , the police can pick you up and hold you for up to 72 hours in a mental institution. Yes, my ex called his cop buddies , made up some lies and here I went. He requested handcuffs because I am such a crazy b….. He said. All in front of my 18 year old son. Guess what, I was back home within a few hours because they said I was all set up. My drug tests were all good. (I don’t even take headache meds, nothing). The doctor there suggested I should sue my ex and the sheriffs dept for abusing power. My attorney advised me against it as it would have hurt my alimony case. Yes, when I got home , my ex said “wow, why did they let you go, didn’t they see how mentally insane you are. Now I have to leave “. And that was the discard. Of he went on a cruise with his 20 something co worker cop/mistress. ( the one who had sent him naked pictures).
That is when I filed for divorce. I had it. To put my son through something like that was over the top.
Thanks, I would love to write s book and maybe one day I will. :).
I hope my story can be an inspiration to sons here. It was God, and only Him, who protected from satans evil helper. (My ex husband ).
Oh Kaya,
Picked up, hand-cuffed (!) and brought to a mental institution?!! My head is exploding. I would be so tempted to do something that I would regret forever. Thank God, that God did not test my faith in that way!
But, glory to God, you came out with flying colors!!! And, like you said, it gave you the impetus to finally get out.
For me, I NEVER would have divorced my husband on my own. It was against my beliefs. I was hoping and praying for him to get right with God. I got devotionals every day from “Rejoice Marriage Ministries” which is all about restoration and unconditional love. Well, a comment on that…that “strategy” works under more normal circumstances, but not with s-paths. It only feeds and empowers them. Because they are past help and hope.
As, I mentioned in another earlier post, my x-spath sent me divorce papers in the mail — on grounds of my “abandoning him”. But, I had been talking with a pastor (not the one who went down for pornography) and this particular pastor kept telling me, “Get a lawyer! He is going to hurt you.” I couldn’t get my mind there at all. I was so brainwashed and in such denial…I was really in the dark. I kept stalling.
Anyway, after my then husband cleaned out ALL our joint-checking accounts and cut off my credit cards (!) the pastor told me, “As soon as you get off the phone with me, GET A LAWYER!!” God provided me one and he filed divorce papers against my husband on grounds of cruel and inhumane treatment and adultery, IMMEDIATELY. (I only wanted legal protection, like a separation).
My divorce papers ended up being filed just two weeks before his. That was the mercy of God protecting me. Because mine hit first and because his were filed from another state, his divorce action was thrown out because of jurisdiction issues. God was protecting me when I didn’t know I needed to be protected!
Right after he filed for divorce, he and his MUCH YOUNGER, atheistic — what shall I call her? — cannot print it…went to visit his sister in CA to get “her blessing”. Unbelievable!!! And, just before that, they had racked up thousands of dollars in hotel, jewelry, Victory Secret expenses…so many that the credit card company wrote and called me to see if it was fraudulent activity…frankly, it is the mercy of God that I didn’t lose my mind and end up in a mental institution forever.
I had no idea where he was in his life and mind. I was not even at square one comprehending his infidelity…when he was actually lost out at sea.
After hearing so many stories from all over, it seems to me that when they get into adultery like that with a younger woman who sends them nude pictures and who knows what else they are doing to them ?!! — that they cross a line of no return. Scripture says that “adultery takes away the heart and debauches the mind.” Also, Proverbs 22:14 says it is a trap which God allows them to fall into.
Your x-husband deserves everything that is coming to him. And, more.
I am sorry. I am meant I love YOUR biblical posts. Did not mean to say ours. 🙂
Kaya
Didn’t notice! Not a problem! 🙂 I really I am so blessed that we can talk about our faith and how God has helped us (what an understatement!)
BTW, Kaya, when I said, “baby Christian” — I thought you had only been saved nine months. I misread it or just misunderstood. But, no matter how long, “God loves to show Himself strong on our behalf”. When we trust Him, He will knock our socks off — far beyond what we could ever hope, think, ask or imagine!
I have to comment that as much as I hate everything that has happened (and especially what has happened to my former beloved husband) — I am so very GRATEFUL to have been able to go through this long, dark, deep valley to see God in action. My faith was really kind of nominal. I was living a life of complacency, wanting more to happen.
It is so true — we have to be careful what we pray for!
And, I also would like to comment about the dastardliness of Satan. He came after my most precious things. My husband, my home, my “security” and especially, my faith — but, “God will restore the years that the locust has eaten” and “He will work all things together for GOOD for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”
Satan has given it his best shot. But, God is turning it all around for my (our) good.
Hi all
I’m not receiving notifications from LF again and can’t change the settings – for some reason?… from all “first” appearances, it looks inactive on most threads. Is the universe/God/Anngels/spirit trying to tell me something or am I just manifesting the exclusion belief my ex spath drummed into me? Rambling!
So, update! The spath got drunk last night and sent me a text. This, I know, is not a strange thing for normal people to do but for him, it’s way out of character. During the 14years we were together he never allowed himself to get in this state, he was always the designated driver and maintained total control while he was in the presence of me and people we associated with – there was this rumor about him being sent home drunk from a job he was on (I was kept away from anything to do with his job) but a one off.
Anyway, from what I can read (lol) he’s going on about how much he loves me and what can he do to win me back. It’s these actions that confuse me. If he’s all about his own agenda then how can he become this sob story while he’s pissed? Wouldn’t a sociopath become even more bullet proof under the influence? Anyone have any wisdom to add?
hi undertheradar
hope all is going well with you, its been awhile! good to see you’re back…well kinda lol
how long have you been apart from him? and what had happened…i need a refresher on the situation, its been a while!
from what i have learned recently through here, he is hoovering, i suspect…i understand your confusion though
the same happened with me…will tell you quickly my situation as its been awhile for you as well
we were together three years and i always ignored the red flags…last summer i found out he’d been engaged to a young girl, but was in a full relationship with me during their engagement…he claimed they weren’t together, not getting married, he thought her to be ugly, repulsive, poor etc…finally at the end of spring he and i went away, all the while claiming it was she going after him and nothing was happening. at the end of the vacation he went home and i didn’t hear fro a few days from him…immediately i knew something was up…yep he admitted he was leaving shortly on a plane to be with her and they were marrying…had told me all along it wasn’t happening and now he couldn’t lie and live the double life anymore…he was leaving…
i went NC for four months with everyones help and advice on here…i received an email at xmas from him apologizing over and over that he made a big mistake in marrying her and regretted everything he had done and wanted to get to see me if i agreed…
that totally confused me, gave me hope, made me hate him all at once….the next day on xmas morning he emails again and took it all back!!! yes he still loved me but is unable to lead me on with his deep feelings for me but is now unable to cause his wife harm…ugh!!!!!
everyone here convinced me to take a realistic look at this and see what he was doing…and it wasn’t that he loved me, but was coming back for NS!!
i have now gone NC again, easier this time around but am back to square one with my feelings all over the place, but i keep reading and reading and it gives me the proper perspective…
i do think he will eventually contact me again, when i do not know…but he has already put his foot in the door by claiming he has deep feelings for me…which i know now is bs
have you heard anymore from him today? i hope my story has given a little bit of insight?
Janedoe
Donna kindly fixed the problem – I don’t think my tablet is recognizing the application to update and don’t have access to a computer, so I’m back and it’s great to be able to catch up with you!
I have read your updates, to a point and glad you’re finding the correct head space to be in – you go girl! I’m busy trying to get out of “flight or fight” mode and it’s hard. The spath still doesn’t know the real reasons for my leaving. He thinks the reasons I’ve given him are trivial enough for forgiveness so I’ve had to play the game until his investigation is final – getting closer to me revealing the whole story to you all…
He sent me an apology text later yesterday. I have only had a couple of weeks of NC since I left in July. I kept getting sucked back into talking to him but haven’t gone back and never will – he’s definitely going to jail!
undertheradar
his apology text was to apologize for his behaviour or that he wants you back??
did you respond??
i know its hard to keep the NC going when they are contacting you…believe me i know…when this happens you want to give them the benefit of doubt and believe them, i know i do and did…since his love bombing me at xmas, and i mean love bombing like he was fighting for his life, he once again has dropped out of sight without any further messages…does that sound like someone who has remorse? thats what i keep saying to myself…if he meant all he said to me before xmas, he would be doing somersaults trying to get me back instead of disappearing once again….so yeh i get the irratic NC….when i look at how many times this behaviour of love bombing with me and making promises to me never materialize, it makes me open my eyes!!!
you can do the same hon!!!!
Janedoe
Mine is doing somersaults! It’s in his best interests to get me back, he even tried the old undermine trick by saying no one else would tolerate me and then went onto to inform me of all the friends and family that had gone to him and questioned my sanity…yeah right! I took it as a challenge so I’m going start accepting the invitations from the men I’ve been ignoring lol 😉
undertheradar
ha so yours is trying to get you back because he feels your reasons are easy to forgive?
this is because he is under investigation that you can’t tell him the truth and you’re just stringing him along?? aha! got ya 😉
Janedoe
Yes I strung him along for long enough to get information. I now know how he’s going to answer certain questions but especially how the prosecutor can catch him in a lie – I’m half excited about that one!
Undertheradar, here comes input from cynical me. How do you know he was drunk? Because he said so? If it is out of character, maybe he wasn’t drunk at all (cue the creepy music).
It is ALWAYS about their own agenda. Don’t be confused by his words, and start trying to unravel if he was actually drunk, is what he’s saying more “honest” or less “honest” or some new revelation that you haven’t heard before, etc. At the very minimum, even if he wasn’t exactly conscious, his agenda is to keep himself from boredom and use you at his whim.
If it was me, I’d discount anything he said (as I would from a normal person if they seemed to be drunk) and default to what I actually knew for sure.
PS any time invested in trying to figure out what they do is time wasted.
Hanalei
I missed your humour! I think I actually heard that creepy music lol
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the separation it’s that he’s adaptable. He has switched to devoted husband and father, made these claims to have the same interests and hobbies as me, none of which was true during our marriage. His new identity was just an easy switch to him and OMG is he good at it! As I’ve said before, I’m an “actions speak louder” person and his actions are perfect? Anyway, you might be right about the suggestion that he was sober – us he that clever? Time will tell….
ur his supply. that is wat he loves, that is wat he wants to know how to get back. not you. he cud care less about you. its all about him n hes desperate enough he lost control n drank that much cuz hes losing his supply. its terrifying to him. he’d probaby straighten out n lovebomb u even for awhile if u gave him the chance. his ego is crucifying him rite now. its painful n he can only placate it if he feeds YOU it.
he wud be an ass in a matter of a few wks, guaranteed.
save urself the replay. youve lived this show before. hes a monster.
Aint, you’re so generous!! A few weeks? How about a few days?
Thanks for making me smile!! 🙂
i think it wud be a few wks becuz hes pretty upset rite now. hes understanding shes gone for good. the shit has hit the fan in his world. the ego is a harsh taskmaster. its amazing how the monsters can be if they have to.
remember these creatures have nothing inside them but pain n emptiness. their whl life is assauging that pain by pretending its not there. being gods in their eyes, using others for watever is needed.
supply is everything to them; they need to suck the lifeforce out to continue on. they are doing devoid of life inside.
Aint
You’re right! He is a monster but just doesn’t seem to understand that I know that about him…
Under,
His past motivations and behavior are the best predictors of his present and future motivations and behavior.
It is likely he is trying a tactic that he thinks will work to get your attention, to get you to focus on him, to get you to wonder if he’s changed. To the extent that you are spending energy trying to figure his latest communication out, he’s been successful in getting you to focus on him.
Consider what he says. He loves you. Is that true? Are his actions loving? Does he do things that enhance your well being? Does he refrain from doing anything that harms you?
What can he do to win you back? He is asking you to go to the trouble to give him a list. Has he already done everything you have asked of him in the past? Has he already fulfilled the requests you’ve made in the past? If he hasn’t dealt with the issues you have raised in the past, there is no point in giving him a new list of what he needs to do. If he’s not already doing all of what he knows to make things right between you, then his text is game playing, not asking you for information he needs.
If he’s only willing to make things right between you in order to get you back, it’s not making things right – it’s manipulation.
Annette
I wish you could move into my head for a while! You are always so wise and I value your input.
He’s been unmasked but his reaction to it is what has thrown me. Never would I have seen the switch to devoted husband and father coming – yet I totally understand why. He needs me to fulfill his act to the world. If I’m back, he has access to our assets to fight the court cases, pending as well as the facade he needs the world to believe so he appears to have been setup and not guilty of the accusations against him – little does he know that I’ve been the one to feed evidence to the detectives.
Thanks for putting me back into the right head space again x
Sane
Your story is so similar. How awful what you went through and then your ex just gets a young mistress. You are so right about “once they cross that line “, there is no point of return.
Here, it does not really matter who files first. But mentally it gave me an advantage to be the petitioner. Also lawyers like it better. I never believed in divorce either. My lawyer said “you have no choice because the next thing coming from him will bogus criminal charges. “. So I listened and filed.
Like your, my ex stopped all direct deposits , spent about 8000$ ain’t got on her. Motorcycles , tattoos , cruises, jewelry , lavish dinners and shopping sprees. I had to sell a log of things so my son and I could survive. My mom wAs paying my lawyer.
Just a few minutes ago I received a letter in the mail from my ex. “I have been ignored for a year and a half and you are probably laughing about it”. Poor him. What a pathetic creature. I know it is Satan trying to instill fear and worry inside of me. Tough, but it does not work. I remember bible verses in my head to use this as a weapon against the devil. I know he hates that.
I survived it all and he always finds says to cobtact me. I don’t respond. Him being a cop makes it so easy . I changed my phone no and email. So now he uses the postal system. I just file his crap away like my lawyer said I should do. My heart used to race and I broke out in a rash when I saw mail from him before. Now I can laugh about it. What an idiot. He should stay with his atheists friends and minions. That’s where he belongs.
Love your bible verses. They are so applying. Thank you .
Kaya
Where I live in NY, it is a “no-fault” state. So, how amazing is that, that the grounds for “cruel and inhumane treatment and adultery” stuck?! All I had was my statements. No evidence.
That was just God overruling on my behalf. My x-spath tried to con my lawyer into going for “no-fault”. She actually bit and when the judge asked what the grounds for divorce were, she said, “irreconcilable differences” and it went into the court record.
That night in prayer, I realized I had to “stand my ground.” Next day, I told my lawyer that was unacceptable. That was a miracle in itself because I never stood up for anything and especially not against him. And, not to mention that, that court house, court room was hell on earth. It was secular to the point of devilish. I was literally in the “lion’s den.”
Well, my lawyer went toe-to-toe with my demonically inspired and empowered pro-se husband in a closed chamber with the judge for ONE HOUR. My lawyer, by the grace of God, prevailed. My x-spath was beyond livid. After that he really came out swinging. It took my breath away and not in a good way.
But, that was God exposing his lies, cruelty and adultery. I have to say that every wicked thing my x-spath has tried to do to me has been thwarted by God, Himself.
Unfortunately, my x-spath is too STUPID by reason of his mental/moral insanity that he never sees it. He is like Pharaoh. Everyone of his counselors pleaded with him, “Can’t you see the land is destroyed?!! Let them go!” But, NO. Pharaoh had to press on to complete destruction for all of Egypt. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Sometimes I see some e-mails from my x-spath to my lawyer. I can tell he is trying to bait me. And, Satan then uses them to torment me with fear and all the what-ifs. Fortunately, seeing his communications doesn’t happen too often, because I am still vulnerable.
But, each time, I trust God and tell Him, “All my times are in Your hands. I trust You. You are sovereign and in total control. You love me and will work all things together for my good.” Then the fear goes “poof” and I see it was just Satan trying AGAIN.
Got to hand it to Satan — he is tireless. But, so already defeated! How I will rejoice to finally see him once and for all thrown into the Lake of Fire. Couldn’t happen to a worse fiend. And, I will sing the Hallelujah chorus for all eternity.
Thank you for sharing your inspiration. It’s empowering and uplifting for me.
Dear sane
Absolutely. I am so grateful also that this has brought me so much closer to God. I used to pray “please God, take him out of my life, he will end up killing me”. And God took him out because I would have never left on my own. My house, my security, my everything, how could I leave that behind? My thinking was wrong. What are all these things worth when you are dealing with evil every day of your life ?
I was saved in July of 2012. And I am so much closer to God now. Small groups in my church are so inspiring and You know that all my co workers and my director are all Christians. It’s so awesome. I am blessed beyond I ever could imagine. And I have peace now since he is gone. Through this trial I learned and saw it with my own eyes in what amazing ways God works.
How did the minion get my ex’s path ? Do you think God was testing my ex or was it Satan ?
Dear Kaya
That is what happened to me. I was so MISERABLE and under such oppression from him and his cruel treatment, but in such a fog not realizing…one day, in the depths of my despair, I groaned out, “God, deliver me.” It was more like a deep moaning in the depths of my soul. I had no strength to even really pray.
I know that at that moment in time, God heard and answered me. He set it all in motion and He has been delivering me ever since.
It is so interesting how He deals with each of us so uniquely…I kind of would have thought that God would have just delivered me. Done. Over. But, instead, it has been a prolonged, very, very dark, lonely and painful valley.
I didn’t have friends, family, or church people — in short — no one to support or guide me. Well, I have to give credit to all the prayer lines. I depended upon them 24/7. But, no one I knew personally. I had to depend on God and His Word totally, exclusively.
That is how I have come to trust Him and know Him. No church or group or Bible study could have done that for me.
For me, it was TOTALLY depending on God when my ENTIRE WORLD imploded. My best friend (my husband) became my worse enemy. I threw myself totally upon God and His mercy. And, I know that is the best and safest place to be.
Like you, I was concerned about all those things, which I see — for me — had become idols. God wanted me for Himself. He did not want me trusting in my husband, his income, my marriage, retirement, Social Security, or health insurance…and, so, it was all stripped away. Scary, if one looks at it with temporal vision. But, when we can trust God (and He is trustworthy!) we have so much more peace and can love genuinely. I count it all but dross.
God is already in my future and since He loves me with a perfect Fatherly everlasting love and has promised to meet all my needs, I don’t have to fear tomorrow. “If He did not spare His own Son, will He not give us all things besides?”
As for your x-spath and how he fell…it was one wrong decision after another. One compromise after another. Satan sends the temptations. But, God always makes a way for us to escape. It is when we don’t choose to escape, but deliver ourselves over to temptation, that Satan builds strongholds in our lives.
God is ever speaking to us, appealing to us, striving with us. But, after awhile, we can’t hear Him.
One day before everything hit the fan over here, I was reading the Bible, early morning as I do. God spoke to me so clearly (not an audible voice, but a Rhema Word). He said, that my husband “would eat the fruit of his own way and have the fill of his own devices, and because he had stiffened his neck time after time, he would be broken without remedy.”
It was revealed to me that my husband was covetous and treacherous. I didn’t even know what that meant…treacherous. What did that mean, I wondered. Well, since that time (beginning of 2011) I have come to find out. How I wish it were not so.
Satan tempts, God restrains, Satan tempts & tempts & tempts, and they give up more and more ground to him. He takes more of their soul. God instructs and corrects, but after awhile, they bring on serious consequences. God lets them have their own way. He leaves them to themselves. So when Satan wants permission from God to tempt them with adultery, God allows the hedges of protection to come down — as punishment for continued sin and disobedience.
It is terrifying because when one reads Proverbs 5, 6 and 7, it is clear what a damning trap it is. God says that when a man “falls” into the trap of adultery, he rarely recovers. Because it is a judgment and his heart becomes hardened.
But for the grace of God we would be like them.
Sane
How very brave you were to stand up for yourself and have that put in court records. Even though I “loved” my lawyer he would not put abondenment and adultery. Yes, he used the irr. Diff. Something with the assigned judge. Oh well. It worked out in my favor and thank God I got rid of him. 🙂
Day 6 NC. Thank you thank you for this site and reading the posts. I’ve spent the day with family. I see where I’ve put them on the back burner. Not anymore.
I’ve read about how God has been such an influence on most of us. I am a believer. I know He loves me. What’s insane is one of the Christmas gifts I received from him was a devotional. It’s so weird bc he would talk about God and how until we give ourselves over to Him, we’ll never be free. I guess he wasn’t lying about that. Even though I know he was using his “beliefs” to continue to control me. And in his next breath, he would talk about all of his sexual conquests. How he got away with it all of his marriage. But he believed in God’s word.
What a scary person I was involved with.
Freedom15, it makes me smile to see you say you’ve spent the day with family and see where you’ve put them on the back burner. Not anymore”yay!
It is truly a blessing when we realize we haven’t been able to see the forest for the trees and are able to put things back in the proper perspective. I put so much that I loved on the back burner and it will never happen again.
Yes, it has been a good day and I’ll take it. I know that there will be bad days but I can get through them with this site and you all and my family.
I have thought about him some. I know he’s working today. Or at least that is what he said to me before NC. But I can’t worry if he’s working or trolling for his next victim.
freedom15
way to go..great start..much better than i was at day 6…keep it up
i have recently started NC for the second time…it was much easier this time around to start it, but i have to say its almost a week and today for the first time, I’m questioning things again…i will not contact him but i can go from good to not so good…in a matter of a few hours if something reminds me of something…i have spent a lot of today reading and hopefully get back to reality
keep it up and congrats xo
Jane, I have good hours and bad hours. I’m just like you. I am not going to contact him. I don’t want to. The hard part is going to be when he contacts me. Bc I know that he will. That’s where I faulter. That’s when I second guess myself. Hearing that voice. But maybe just maybe, this time will be different.
Yes, things remind me of him constantly….heard a song and had to change the station, was getting a shirt out of my closet and saw a t-shirt he bought me, etc.
So as you all are here supporting me….I want to support you as well. This has been my saving grace.
Freedom
Congratulations on Day 6!
A person can declare that they are a “Christian” but the fruit tells the real story.
A person can say they are a car all day long, stay in a garage for a week, but it doesn’t make them a car.
A person can quote Bible verses, expound the wonder of the greats (my x-spath sent me Spurgeon devotionals every morning), and even discuss doctrine, go to church and be a leader there…but, it is all hogwash and rank hypocrisy if the heart is not right.
To use that as a cover, and as spiritual abuse — they just heap sins upon sins, filling up their quota. What a great wickedness for them to use God’s Word as a cover for vice. But, “God will not be mocked.”
Your x-spath did not and does not believe in God’s Word. If he did, he would be on his face in mortified repentance. Even the demons believe in God and tremble. They just don’t obey.
your spath reminds me so much of a Doug W. the story is so very similar. how weird.