UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
January 19, 2015 at 10:53 pm
my np who i work with and had an affair with cheated on his wife and me with amanda. he now is deciding he is not going to do anything after last wk telling me he wld and he misses it with me. this has been 2 years canoodling and only a month and half i found out abt amanda. i stopped playg the game so he cant send me confusing messages and i cant ask him but bcs i felt playg the game i was saying ok to what he did to me. i am so sad too. i dont hv anyone to talk to and the one friend says he cant deal w me anymore. he said this is my mess i cld hv ended it at anytime and im too much drama. then said i am rude after i hv been helpg him as he is disabled. wow i didnt realize being friends u clndt be honest and share. just more of the same bullshit.
Be thankful that you have a mom. My mom has not spoken to me in 24 years. Be grateful that you have a hometown to go back to and old friends to help you. I stayed married to a psychopath for 19 years because I had four kids to raise and I had ZERO family support. Be thankful that you did not waste your entire youth and that you still have plenty of time to start again. Please focus on the positive. Be proud of yourself for getting out of a situation that would have ruined your life and stolen your youth, which you cannot get back once it is lost. I know. I have learned the hard way. I have been trying to pick up the pieces for almost three years and I really struggle with depression. The only family who cared about me was my 22 year old son, and he was murdered 6 months after my 19 year marriage ended. Then, my business collapsed, and to plunge the dagger even more deeply, my youngest daughter left home to move in with her controlling boyfriend and her last words to me were, ‘I hate you and I never want to see you again.’ It has been over 1 1/2 years since I have spoken to her or seen her. My youngest daughter is quite pathological like her father, but that doesn’t make our estrangement hurt any less. I went from a family of 6, to a family of 2 practically overnight. It is just my 14 year old son left and I and honestly, don’t know what I would do without him. You really need to focus on all the people in your life to be grateful for. Deepen your connections with your friends and go back to school. Your academic achievements will give you pride in yourself again. Also, go join a gym and get in shape. A good workout floods your body with endorphins, the feel-good chemicals of our bodies that create a natural high. Please take care of yourself and count your blessings.
Thank you for sharing your experience and the admonition to be grateful for what we have and for the people in our live. I have one son who is 19, and I cannot think about if something happened to him. I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine you experience much stress and sadness about your daughter who is pathological.
Thank you for the good advice about education and exercise. I have a professional degree, but I began taking on line university classes in a subject I am interested in when my abusive porn addicted ex psychopath was still around. I often didn’t really feel like studying and doing the work, but I did it anyway and it helped me feel better and after 4 years I am earning a Certificate in May.
I have a chronic health problem so can’t exercise too much, but I always feel better when I do what I am able.
dia
How very awful,you carry an enormous burden, from the murder of your child to the continuing betrayals by your other children. And you are right, estrangement from your daughter doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I am estranged from my daughter. She has recently spoken to me. But she still treats me as if I have the character of my sociopathic ex.
Your path, focusing on the positive, get empowered with education, and taking physical care is spot on. Nothing makes the pain less but having something else worthwhile in life gives our hearts something more to connect to instead of just the pain.
God Bless You dear woman.
Dia-
It’s called “transference.” They project their own mindset onto others. They suspect people of having their perspective about life.
It’s been almost 7 years since my son is gone. It’s like firing the corporate memory when there’s a history of wrong doing in the business. I can truly relate to your story. So sorry for your losses.
Joyce
Dia
You are an inspiration to all of us! Thank you so much for sharing your story and the tools required to change – I can’t even begin to imagine how bad your situation must have felt at times and wish I was there to scoop you up and carry some burdens for you, but you made it girl, you made your life worth living and I’m grateful you shared something so powerfully traumatic and gave me the motivation to better my situation ♥
Well it has been a full week of NC. Nothing from him either. It is crazy bc I am waiting for that bomb to drop. I guess bc it always has. When or if he calls me, it will go straight to voicemail bc I have set his number to reject. His emails will go straight to trash.
On the way into work this morning, I heard the song “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who. The lyrics are haunting. Reminds me of him…
No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
No one knows what it’s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
And if I swallow anything evil
Put you’re finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear you’re coat
No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Annette, I can’t figure out where to post to attach to your comment, so hope you see this.
You said: “I would not want to live in a big house in a more affluent subdivision because I don’t think I would get to know the neighbors as well and do things with them as much. I enjoy the closeness and casualness and friendliness of people who have openings in their lives for new friends and acquaintances.”
Yes, Yes, Yes! You have just described the neighborhood I am looking for as if you are in my head.
Wow! If it exists in one place, it will exist in others!
H Moon,
I have been very blessed in lots of ways in my life, and I live in a great town and a great neighborhood. Our neighbors down the street have inclusive neighborhood 4th of July parades including a reading aloud of the declaration of independence, singing parties, and caroling. Our town and nearby has contra dances, clogging groups, shape note singing, and tons and tons of other stuff to do.
Prayers that you will find a place to call home that offers you everything you want.
Hanalei
I so much feel like you. I lost my big “dream house ” in the divorce also. At first it was devastating to me to sign the papers to sell it . But you know what, now he has nothing left that he can still take. Nothing. He can’t threaten me with taking the house away, he can’t change direct deposits. There is nothing left that we share. My lawyer advised it is the best to not sharing anything with a sociopath. Because he will ways use it as a weapon. I too wish I could have held on to my home. But that’s ok. I am renting a smaller home now. Same neighborhood. At times I feel like I am standing “still ” but then I am think how blessed I am to be alive. Yes, I loved my home but I love my life more. My life without him.
Kaya, I agree with you on all that you say. Almost a year ago I started a gratitude practice along with prayer that I do every morning. It helps to keep things in perspective.
I am so full of gratitude for my life that sometimes it makes me cry. I don’t take ANYTHING for granted”sharing a laugh with my mom, a juicy orange, a beautiful sunrise. I know how lucky I am, and that there is nothing my ex can take from me anymore. I so agree. That being said, I also need to move forward in life toward something more.
My posts this week have been disgruntled and cranky and that’s not characteristic of me. I am proud that I’ve weathered these years with stoicism, courage, strength and a sense of humor and have made it to today. I’m just worn out and yearning for even a fraction of the sense of stability that I had before this all happened.
Finding a home in this area in this market is proving extremely difficult. Finding a job in my field impossible. My car is very elderly (I had painstakingly saved to buy a new one the year we bought the house and that money is long gone) and I worry that if I did find a job, the commute would finish it off. It all seems a balancing act. I need to figure out where I need to be geographically and get to the business of living.
I envy you that you stayed in the same neighborhood and have a job that makes you happy. Those things go so far to create a sense of continuity and comfort that I feel like I might never have again!
HanaleiMoon
I’ve been traveling the same path as you, and it feels like just putting words to my feelings of exhaustion and overwhelming weariness has helped me to process another introspection of my life. I realized that it’s my misery of the situation with my daughter that makes me feel so weary, that nothing I do changes what matters to me. But I’ve had it backwards. I am sorry she is so closed to the good things about me, but it doesn’t change that I am NOT what my EX conspired with her about me. That was done to control and harm me. So no wonder I feel tired. I am STILL under emotional attack. Just coming to these realizations, put words to my feelings, makes me feel better.
I hope finding a home will resolve your feelings. I’m thinking once that is resolved, you will feel empowered and your burden will lessen.
Hanalei
Now that you’ve learned to be grateful its time to kick it up a notch.
Epigenetics 101: take that gratitude and send that wonderful energy into the vision you want to create for your future – spend as much free time as you have creating to the smallest details and then apply that gratitude feeling to it as if it’s already something you’re grateful for. Don’t think about how it happened just think about what it’s going to be!
Example; early last year I needed to get my mind off my situation so I spent a lot of time visualizing my house being finished – right down to the new chair and footstool I wanted. Every detail was well thought out as if it was already completed. A few weeks later I was given 2 x $5000 gift cards from a close family friend. He’d received them as payment for storm damage to furniture he had stored but decided he didn’t need to replace so gave them to me. My new bathroom went in, new flooring in my lounge room and of course the new chair and footstool made it into my life all by seeing and feeling future gratitude for it – go forth and manifest!
Another MeToo, Kaya48 and HanaleiMoon.
The house I lost was one I designed on my computer, literally physically built myself, with my spouse. I poured my soul into that house. It was built with a certain lifestyle in mind, the plans of lots of gatherings and sharings of good times. Then my ex and his family let me know they had always intended to take it from me, that they encouraged me to do all that to create an asset for them. It was hard to walk away but once I realized they had poisoned it all along, I realized I couldn’t take back my work, but they had gained a curse. Because that house was ALL about me so they would NEVER enjoy it.
It was quite a lesson to learn how valuable the essence of ME is. I made that a home. And that quality of life is attached to ME, and thus continues wherever I am.
Kaya48
It’s only an illusion that we are standing “still”. We learned lessons of depth of soul, we truly know what matters in life. And we appreciate what matters with a strength of connection that most people have never had to develop. I finally realized that’s why others seem so very shallow to me, it’s because they have not been forged by fire to develop that part of themselves.
Yes Hanalei
I so much agree with you. I am so blessed God gave me this wonderful job. I don’t make huge amounts of money, enough to support myself and my son along with the alimony. There is nothing left for savings or extra, we get by. Did I have to change my lifestyle ? Absolutely. I just take pleasure out of things that Are for free. Like a walk on the beach, a subset or a sunrise. Seeing my son succeed in his studies , being there for him and my pets. That’s enough . I hope one day I will be a homeowner again. My ex destroyed so much, like yours. But he cannot destroy anymore. I still have my dreams for the future and I am still standing strong. Compared to what he has , that’s so much more. In the end he has a small appartment by a busy highway. Oh yeah, he has his little party girls for sex. I guess a king size bed is all he needs. Ha.
Thank you Not
For you kind words. You are right, it is an illusion. We have accomplished so much. Yes, like you , it was my dream house in my dream state. Close it the ocean , just like a place in paradise. We put all if our savings into that house, we made it our own design. People commented on it how beautiful it is. If they only knew what happened behind closed doors. I cried so much in that house that even had my special “crying places”. In my closet with the door closed , outside by the a/c I had a special “hiding place”. And almost every day I was in one of those places.
Ironically a “wealthy man” purchased the house for his mistress. How crazy is that ? To this day the house is “evil” for me. The other day the man actually invited me in to see the changes they made. I sometimes walk my dog on that street. I declined. No way , I will set a foot in this house ever again. I endured so much pain in there along with my son.
We are all so blessed we survived the nightmares and we are still here to post. Life is really about experiences. I look at it, I went through it for 20 some years. I know that God had to take him away to save me.
NWHSOM
i know i know…lovebombing…
his real attitude did show when i spoked of the pregnancy…but in actuality it was more of the icing on the cake to confirm my beliefs…
as i go further along and see he isn’t in such a rush to email me, as he promised this was fgoing to take place, i see more clearly, day by day, how not nice he is…like i said it is more of a confirmation to my beliefs.
i mentioned earlier in a way i would like him to contact me, even though it would set things back, i just want him to know how not stupid he thinks i am when he promises things and doesn’t abide by them, that he is just proving himself to be more of an ass each day…and do not even try to convince me you love me, she is ugly, she isn’t what i want…he is nothing but a scam artist in the truest sense of the word…
Jane….Can I just say Ditto! I could have written then same things. A scam artist!
freedom15
how is your NC going today?
Jane, good. NC is still in effect. Nothing from him and I haven’t contacted him. Today I thought really hard about it. Then I went back and saw that every time there was a discard, I ALWAYS would contact him. I would send an email every day for the first week. That made me think HARD! Made me realize that this time I haven’t. It feels so good! I’m sure he’s wondering. Or maybe not. Right now, I’m in f you mode. The longest he’s gone wo contacting me is 3 weeks. Hopefully, by week 3, I will be over him completely. I have made plans to go out of town this weekend so I won’t be around in case he decides to contact me.
You guys here have been my saving grace. I really think that if it wasn’t for this site, I would have broken NC.
yea janedoe my mp said that amanda was ugly and that there was nothing. yea so the wife kicks her out and leaves and nothing. then he is back with the wife then he says that when things settle down he would like to canoodle again with me. now he changed his mind again and now he says he doesnt want anything from anyone. I know he is still with amanda i would love love love to tell her what he thinks of her and that he was with me when he was with her. what a dirt bag this one is.
inthemiddleofheartache
wow they are insane!
i don’t think you should say anything to her, he may not even be with her, but he is with his wife…so basically telling you he is going to go right ahead and cheat on his wife, with you?? he could be cheating on you as well, with amanda and his wife, all at the same time…you need to be careful in this never ending situation because he will continue it regardless…had he been seeing you when he was separated from his wife?? you need to convince yourself that it isn’t good at all because he is proving to you he isn’t able to be committed in a marriage…he is expecting you to be ok with cheating with him on his wife.
mine was telling me she was ugly, all kinds of things weeks before marrying her!!!
when all along he had it planned he was leaving me and going to go to her country to marry her….why do they try to convince us of these terrible things??? is it something they get off on or do they think they are fooling us???
yours goes back and forth as mine did…first saying he wasn’t getting married, then marrying, then regretting it and wanting me back and really doesn’t care too much to make his marriage work, then messaging me the next day and telling me his wife is a nice girl and doesn’t want to hurt her after thinking long and hard about what he told me….making himself sound like the hero because he is being thoughtful and doesn’t want to hurt anyone…
how do they even sleep at night with all that crap going through their brain??? this is a serious disorder they have…
i knew he was married i didnt think he was going to hv sex with amanda while amanda lived in thier house. i did ask him abt her and he said dont start w that. so he was with all of us. now hes bk w wife going to counseling and saying he missed it w me. then to chg the story this weekend to he doesnt want anything w anyone. i guess it was all part of the game. i am so thankful for everyone resp to me i hv no where else to go w this as i work w my np. i will tell u this i cut him off on sunday ended the iphone dice game and told him no more. i am in withdraw and tomm w b first day i see him since telling him no more.
He probably doesn’t think she is ugly or not ugly so much as playing you and her against each other. Being ugly is not grounds for leaving one’s spouse; and it is likely she is no more ugly nor beautiful than when he married her. He doesn’t care about her or you or anyone else. It’s just a sadistic crazy game he is playing.
Decoding the sociopath, it’s about what he DIDN’T SAY:
He said she was ugly.
He didn’t say, “you’re the one that I want.”
Of course, if he’s married, he’d be lying. And BECAUSE he’s married, EVERYTHING he says is a LIE. Sorry you got snared. There’s nothing good gonna come outta a man like that.
i knew he was married i didnt think he was going to hv sex with amanda while amanda lived in thier house. i did ask him abt her and he said dont start w that. so he was with all of us. now hes bk w wife going to counseling and saying he missed it w me. then to chg the story this weekend to he doesnt want anything w anyone. i guess it was all part of the game. i am so thankful for everyone resp to me i hv no where else to go w this as i work w my np. i will tell u this i cut him off on sunday ended the iphone dice game and told him no more. i am in withdraw and tomm w b first day i see him since telling him no more.
He is creating a competition between you and the other woman/his ‘wife.’ It is a common tactic of spaths. He is playing you one against the other. Who knows what he is telling her about you. It’s called triangulation.
NWHSOM
like you mentioned, i have no emotional support outside of here as well…i rely on this site and a few others to train my brain to think back to pre N days…
i prefer it this way because as i go along and make mistakes, or break NC or he contacts me, i don’t want to tell people i deal with on a daily basis because they would never understand…this place and you! have been a complete godsend….never think you are alone xoxo
yes and being alone is worse especially when you think you have friends and you dont. i so much want to get revenge on this guy. i want everyone to know what kind of person he really is.
Ok
You knew he was married. He is cheating on his wife with you and then he is cheating on you with Amanda. You should remove ypurself from this toxic situation immediately. You will only get hurt. He got everything he wants and he is playing all of you. What a monster. He is a liar and a deceiver , he is evil.
Can I ask you, why would you get involved with the married man? Did u know he was married ?