UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
He was unhappy as I was and said that he was getting out of it. I didnt realize until i was 10 months into it that it was not going to happen. I was already tied in and being emotionally played with so I thought ok maybe he still will. Then the girl amanda was living with them this past sept. the wife knew her too. and the next thing you know 1000+ text messages later amanda gets thrown out, wife goes to parents and he already was starting the discard of me. I happen to find out from a friend that it was her and he tried to deny it but I busted him on it. And when I said to him why dont you tell amanda what you think of her (he said ill show you a pic you decide) and tell her you were with me. He said are you threatening me. I knew right then he was sleeping with her and he denied it. By this time i am all screwed up and feeling rejected and abused and I was with him in nov and I found this out in dec. so thats why i stopped playing the game and got my stuff back minus the shirt i gave him which i am sure he gave amanda and now its nothing. he is a creep and unfortunately i work with him. he didnt work directly with me last year and this year he got moved. so now i see him almost every day. I really thought that he would leave her and be with me i dont know why now, looking back.
He wanted to to think that he would leave her and be with you so that you would do what he wanted you to do. He was probably doing and saying everything he could including using hypnotic techniques on you to get you to think what he wanted you to think.
He said he was unhappy in his marriage, but he may be or may not be. Spaths lie about everything, so you cannot be sure that anything he told you about anything is true. It may be true or it may not be true.
I am sorry that you have to see him every day. I don’t think I could have escaped the spell of control my ex psychopath put over me without no contact. It was difficult enough for me to think half way clearly even though I didn’t have to see him. Is there any way you could change your work situation so you don’t have to have contact with him? It makes recovery so much more difficult.
Inthemiddle – since you are currently stuck working with the sociopath, you might consider getting a digital camera with a large memory card. Keep it in an inconspicuous spot in your office where it has a clear view of the doorway. Turn it on when you arrive in the morning and turn it off and TAKE IT WITH YOU when you leave at night.
If he gets too comfortable with smiling and waving at you he might escalate into other behavior, good or bad depending on how he wants to use you. Upload your daily videos to the cloud or somewhere secure so if anything happens you have evidence of escalating behavior and proof you are doing nothing to encourage it. Eventually walking by won’t be enough to get him pumped up and he will need to do something bigger to get his little rush.
Just remember, these people are not normal and you have to be on your toes. STAY SAFE.
If possible, a good long term solution would be to change your work situation so you don’t have to see him at work. My ex psychopath’s first ex wife moved across the country. I see the value in that if it possible.
I wish i could leave or he get transferred. He is a vile human being. I dont know what game it is but I dont want to play it. Unfortunately i have another co worker in here too. It is his best friend. Yes I sit in this small office with his best friend. I cant even begin to tell you what i know. so the camera i mite be able to pull that off. I am so sick of all of it. I knew he was married and I should not have done anything. I was lonely looking for something to make my life matter because I was at the point it didnt. I hate it that I let this letch into my heart and mind. I wish i never met him the first time. I hate it i have to ans questions from him for work. He isnt asking me relationship stuff he is asking work stuff. Who knows maybe I am reading more into bcs of the all the mind bombing i received in the past and the lies. I have been told by several people he lies. Im sure he cheated on his wife. I did tell my soon to be ex husband what i did. We were separating anyway bcs of our own issues before this even started. The bottom line he was with amanda while he was supposed to be with just me. his buddy said that if something happened it was because it was convenient. yea having sex with the girl while your wife is asleep. He is a creep.
Inthemiddle….I too as involved with a married man. I knew that he was married but still became involved. It lead to nothing but absolute heartache. He did eventually get a divorce or should I say his wife divorced him. He has done nothing but lie to me and everyone that he has been involved with. Even now that he is divorced he has continued to lie and probably cheat. He has discarded me 3 times since the divorce. He has done nothing but hurt me emotionally and mentally.
We both deserve better than that. You and I deserve to be with someone who chooses to be with us wo anyone else. I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this. I am worthy. Yes, I have only been NC for a little over a week but every day, I am stronger for not contacting him. I would always contact him when he discarded me. But not this time. And he hasn’t contacted me. I know that it is harder for you bc you work with him but try your absolute best to avoid him. Don’t let him think this is affecting you. Harder said than done…I get it!
I meant…Easier said than done.
Thank you thank you so much for understanding. In this process I have lost a so called friend as he blamed me for doing this and not leaving. I am so tired of people just judging me and point the finger. I wish i could do something to feel better about myself but this one is a tough one. I am going to do my best to avoid him stay in my office and try not to see him. I dont know if that is better or be around and ignore him. I want to do the right thing. I want him to think that I dont care if I see him or if he existed. i know amanda will not get anymore than any of us did. he is a pathological liar and will not be different. I wish the pain would go away. I am also in the middle of past pain and remembering past situations that people did to me. It has been a challenge to sort through them and deal with them. Yes you are worth more than being with someone who wants you and everyone else. I dont feel that way. I feel like im not good enough and that this is somehow my fault. The pain is probably the hardest. I am so grateful to be able to blog like this and have someone read it and get it what I am saying. so thanks again.
Being able to come on this site and blog and read and just say whatever is on my mind has helped me more that I ever thought possible. I truly believe that it is the reason that I have not contacted him. I have one friend who knows about this. She is very supportive and has told me a 1000 times to stop the madness.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! We all are. I have been so down so many times bc of this. And I am sure that I am just on an up swing today and who knows what tomorrow will bring but we have to push through this. I am sure that it will take years for me to get over what he has done to me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to listen to certain songs again bc of him. He has tainted my life in so many ways. The pain is hard. It hurts. Last week, I couldn’t get out of bed to go to work for 2 days! I felt alone, used and hurt. I will feel hurt and used.
And no one will get anymore than any of us did. That Amanda girl is just another victim. And it is really hard for me to say that I was a victim but I was and so where you. These men are Satan’s spawn.
I will tell you a story that his ex-wife told me. (Yes, I had a convo with the wife while the divorce was going on. Very interesting.) She told me that his own mother told her that he was a liar and always had been. That he lies about everything. HIS OWN MOTHER said that!
And I thank you and everyone here. I need this support!
freedom15
remember what his wife told you and play it over and over in your head…when you hear something from someone that seems to pop up as a warning…take it just as that
mine said to me one day when he was in a sticky situation with someone “i can get out of this, i will make up a lie, I’m good at making people believe me and lying”
wow!!!! thanks for telling me that!!! he had admitted to me exactly what he does to people and i will NEVER forget that statement!!
inthemiddleofheartache
i know how hard and sickening it is for him to smile and wave..what a sick A**HOLE… yuck
can you close your door?
I and everyone else here know how unbelievable painful psychopathic abuse is; and I am so sorry that you were targeted. You didn’t know what you didn’t know.
You might find something in the greyrock technique that can help you in dealing with having to see him. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
I can’t imagine how difficult having to see him daily is. Contact with my ex P or even just about my ex P sets me back enormously. You may find that you feel better and recover faster if you can avoid contact with him. He is not likely to stop trying to target you and victimize you in some way if he thinks he can get away with it and it will get him something he wants.
i cant f ing believe this…he just walked by my office smiled at me and waived like nothing is wrong or happened. is this guy crazy. so i get his message which is nothing from anyone i tell him he is a asshole and i dont want to play with him that equates to him smiling at me and waiving. I wish i didnt have to work here but i need ins and no one here knows that we were involved with each other. he is like all pumped up because he walked by. wow really. i cant believe i am dealing with this shit.
I am so sorry! I don’t know if I could deal with that on a daily basis.
Inthemiddleofheartache, I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of your story but what you just posted about him walking by your office smiling makes me want to share some of this info about my ex.
I was working at my office for a year plus when my ex came on board. In fact, I was on the interview panel that selected him. He was married and a soccer dad, etc. To make a long story short, his wife got cancer and died within a short span of time. Our paths crossed only in staff meetings, but I attended the memorial service on behalf of our department and within a short while after, found myself dating him. It ended up being a 7 year “relationship” until he discarded me.
He wanted to keep the relationship quiet in the office to avoid harm to our jobs. It seemed reasonable. After a year, maybe a year and a half, I started having trouble at work, people gunning for me, out of the blue, and without cause. It never made sense. I weathered a lot of indignities (having part of my staff taken away from me, being ostracized at meetings after I had been a superstar) and finally was asked to vacate my posh office and move somewhere else. I refused and ended up finding another job. It wasn’t until after the discard I put two and two together that it is 99% likely that he masterminded the smear campaign to get me pushed out of my dream job and me out of the way.
A year plus after the discard a friend alerted me to articles in the paper about him. They were about harassment claims filed against the company due to his behavior and were very VERY embarrassing. Months before the discard, when we had been in escrow to buy our dream home together, he told me he was having problems at work with false accusations. He told me there had been an investigation and he was found innocent. He said he quit over it, but I found out later he was paid off to resign.
Anyway, your comment reminded me of what one of the women he worked with was quoted in the paper. She had dated him casually a handful of times and she decided she did not want a relationship. He pestered and hounded her, touched her inappropriately, and kept it up for a year or more. He was the division manager and all these people worked under him. She eventually got married and he still didn’t stop. He would write notes to her (one said “I miss you so much”) and drop them on her desk!! Just creepy!
Anyway, after I saw the articles, I contacted two of the women and they told me their stories. One of his subordinates, a woman he had evidently been sleeping with (and traveling to conferences with), bullied people in the division to lie about what had happened in the investigation, because everyone knew he was guilty as sin. That is how he got off. In retaliation for not “dating” him, and causing him the inconvenience of the investigation, he wrote both of these women, along with several of their supporters, out of the budget as a cost savings measure and they lost their jobs.
These women told me he had dated 7 – 10 women in the office during our relationship. The one he wrote the notes to found out that he was in a relationship with me when he invited her to go on a trip he had planned with ME and when she looked at the paperwork, she saw my name and confronted him. He lied and said that we were just friends and that is when she ended things with him.
I have many stories to tell of the horrible, horrible, things he did to people at work and got away with. Exposing himself to women in his office, ruining peoples careers and causing them great financial trouble. One of the women almost lost her house because she wasn’t able to find another job for quite awhile after he wrote her out of the budget. Her crime? She wouldn’t “date” him.
And she reported the continued harassment.
I am telling you this just as a word of caution to realize that these monsters are capable of anything and everything, including in the office in a professional setting.
The company we worked for mishandled this terribly and allowed him to prosper in his harassment and retaliation and I will never forgive them for that. It was wrong, and against the law. But it happens. Everyday.
H Moon,
What a nightmare, and I recognize your post is only an overview and summary.
It’s a good reminder that whatever we know about our spaths/ex spaths, it is likely the tip of the iceberg. Even with all that you eventually uncovered, it is likely there is more. I eventually concluded that my ex spath could have killed people for all I know – not that he necessary did, but whether he committed or will commit murder or not depends only on whether he thinks it will get him something (trivial and evil) that he wants and whether he will get away with it. When I found out a bunch of stuff about my ex psychopath I thought that was all of it. Then I kept uncovering more, and realized there’s no way to know.
When someone lies as an unrepented pattern of behavior, there is absolutely no way to know anything about them; and everything they say may or may not be true. With your ex spath, beginning with he SAID he wanted to keep your relationship quiet to avoid jeopardizing your jobs – not the real reason.
Inthemiddleofheartache, I need to add this: I hope you are keeping a log of everything that happens in the workplace. Do not keep it on your work computer. Keep it somewhere safe. Document EVERYTHING.
The two women I talked to filed claims with the company. Both eventually settled out of court, because to take it to court would have been so costly for them and without a guaranteed outcome. I would have done the same thing. I don’t know what their settlement was, but they did not get their jobs reinstated. They were unable to sue him personally because they waited too long. He got off completely free and got the company to keep him on the books without working for a full 7 months so he could retire with full benefits.
Those women got a settlement and I’m sure that helped them. I got nothing but a ruined life.
Document EVERYTHING. And I’d advise you to not engage with him unless you are absolutely required to to perform your duties. In my opinion, with 20+ years of upper management experience and way more years of life experience under my belt, you are in a precarious situation. Not trying to scare you, but to make you aware. Ok?
Annette, you are so right about what we know only being the tip of the iceberg!
We didn’t know better then, we do now, and I can’t say enough, better safe than sorry.
When I was on the interview panel that selected my ex for the job, there was a long discussion about the hiring decision. He was clearly the best candidate, but he had a very checkered career history – leaving jobs without another job to go to, being fired from one. Now, this is common in my field at the level he was at (politics, changes in management, etc.) but still – I was the same age in the same field and it had never happened to me. We wrote it off. I now realize that it is very likely that he behaved similarly in other workplaces and that was the reason for these changes. Did I say very likely? Actually, I believe it 100%.
During a rough patch of the relationship, I had someone ask me if I actually knew his wife had died of cancer or if something else could have “happened”. I rolled my eyes at the time, but now”I don’t know. He told me harrowing stories of her suffering, but I also know that he rarely lost time from work during that time and when I asked him about it, he said that she didn’t want him there. This same person asked me if I was sure she had actually died. Well, I attended the memorial service but you can be sure that after all that happened, I checked the public records on that too.
I now realize that everything I thought I knew about my ex might be anywhere from true to a complete fabrication. I also realize that while my heart was open and true and everything I said and did was with honesty and with my best efforts, he had more balls in the air behind my back than I can every imagine.
They are capable of anything, and the workplace is rampant with them. Anything you say or do will be used against you if they get the whim. I suffered greatly when I was railroaded at work, and shared everything in my heart with him as it played out – it makes me sick to think the pleasure he must have gotten out of that.
H Moon,
I asked you about her death too awhile back here. I am suspicious of everything when it comes to spaths. I don’t assume the worst. I just know that they are capable of anything, and that whether or not something they are saying is a lie or true is completely random – based only on what they are trying to accomplish.
It’s hard to imagine lying like that all the time and not being bothered by it. Boggles the mind.
Statistically, married people who have relationships outside of their marriages and leave the marriage rarely end up in a permanent relationship with the person with whom they had the affair.
True point, Annette. I thought about this so many times while I was having the affair. And now, I am so thankful that I will not have a permanent relationship with him.
He never wanted to get divorced. His now ex wife told me that he would pled with her to take him back and they can live the life they always dreamed, etc etc. All the while telling me that he can’t wait to sign the papers and we can begin our life, etc etc.
Lies, lies, lies. And it really hurts that I was involved in that.
You didn’t know what you didn’t know.
She won’t have the life they always dreamed of with him under any circumstances. Whether they divorce or stay in the ‘marriage’ she will not be treated well and she will suffer.
They are divorced now. And I hope that she finds someone better than him. As I hope to one day find that as well.
I wonder if I will build a wall around my heart. I already feel it coming on. Not that I am looking to become involved with any but just in the future.
And if I had ended up in a permanent relationship with him, all I would have done was suffer as well.
freedom15
he pleaded with his wife to take him back??? were you seeing him at the same time this was all taking place? i imagine you were? isn’t that triangulation???
because mine telling me that he is not where he wants to be or living the life he wants and his new wife is childish and he now realizes it…is what he tells me…but i don’t think she knows a thing about me. she thinks he is an older man taking care of her, will move her out of her poor country and come to the US…so i don’t know that my case is triangulation…i don’t know what the hell it is. but i don’t see him running to me keeping in touch as he begged me to a couple weeks ago…i am quite disgusted that he can come to me telling me all this and then drop off the face of the earth…
please stay here on this site, tell your stories, get answers….we can all do this and try to make sense of this nonsense…
believe me when i say, your experiences help mine and others
We can’t make sense of nonsense. They are life destroyers, plain and simple. All we can do is not entertain the insanity, get away, run away, stay away.
Yes, Jane, I was with him during the time he was pleading with his wife. She even sent me the text messages. And I still went back to him! I feel like a total idiot!
I will def stay on this site. This is all I have. I need to remind myself that he is married. I was used in this “affair” in ways I should not have been. It doesnt matter bcs he will do it again with someone else and even if he is with amanda he will hurt her too. I need to fix this for myself and not try to medicate myself with someone or something. I do miss him but i only miss the attention that stop me from focusing on what has happened to me. I hated the discard because of my past issues abt myself but these n’s and p’s know this about us and they use it against us. I heard a song today and it is about us, us those who have been hurt, discarded, abused, used. Nicole Scherzinger, The song “Run”. I printed out the words to remind myself of the truth of this and I am not alone or crazy. The sad thing is the friends i did have were N’s and P’s too. That is only way of life I knew and it is painful. I only hope at my age, in my mid 40’s that I finally get this and have some sort of recovery. I have been abused, choked, molested, raped and emotionally abused by several people in my life. I want to be whole. Just me, just enough to live the rest of my life in some sort of semblance of sense. I have had eating disorders, shopping, alcohol, and relationships all to stop the pain of the things that have happened to me. I need to hope and I hope that each day here at work gets better and I have some relief of this pain. I am so glad that I can say all of this here and here I am normal. I am ok and I have the trust of all of you.
Inthemiddle…This site has helped me as well. I cannot say it enough…if it wasn’t for this site, I truly believe that I would have already broken NC.
And I too have made myself sick over this. I am going to a therapist tomorrow. I do not want to be put on antidepressants but I need to have a professional hear my pain. This may help you as well.
And we all do have each other.
H Moon,
I was about to type the exact same thing you posted. There is no sense in it. The best thing we can do for ourselves and the universe is stay away from them and leave it to God to deal with them.
Freedom,
Give yourself some time. You’ll probably guard your heart with a wall for awhile, and when you’re ready you’ll let it down a bit. Now that we know there are spaths out there and we know what to look for, we are in a better position to avoid one in the future. It’s always possible to be victimized, and it’s always a risk to enter an intimate relationship.
You can take happiness and comfort in knowing that every minute with the spath that you saved yourself from by getting out is a great gift to yourselves and those who care about you.
freedom15
similar with me except he wasn’t married when we were together, went to get married AND has recently contacted me while being married…so he wasn’t married, got married and now back to me…at this point he is now doing the “righteous” thing after totally love bombing me a couple weeks ago…”he doesn’t want to hurt his wife because she is a good girl”
now if he were an honest person i would believe what he says…but honestly? i think he’s playing me for something…he put his foot in the door and apologized for what he did….this is for a reason and i don’t know yet what it is…but i do know he is NOT sorry for what he did and he is NOT concerned like he says with hurting his wife, or else he wouldn’t have contacted me
married or not married, they are rotten to the core!
we all deserve better than this
Very interesting to see some posts here from the “affair partners”. So they lie even to them. Not just the wife. My ex had all kinds opinions at his work place and I am sure he still does. You would think police officers would have sone high morale standard. It’s just the opposite. They had “sex parties” during their nightly shifts. Just crazy stuff. I am sure my ex also told hisinipns how unhappy he is in the marriage. Blah, blah and then come home and tell me “I love you”. All lies. It’s so sickening.
The only way I survived this nightmare was the no contact. I needed to completely block him from my life. I could not imagine if I had to see him at work. The no contact havd me the clarity I needed to adapt to the life change he pushed on me without asking. Once you remove yourself from the craziness it becomes clear that all they are is satans little workers .
Talking to him would equal to inviting the devil into my living room. I wi never forgive him what he has to me and my son. As a Christian I am suppose to forgive. My ex is the one who should be working on that issue. I know he won’t. You reap what you sow. Sinful actions will have consequences. He is already experiencing some of them. But he has the minions to cheer him up.
Kaya, I regret every day that I had an affair. I was so wrapped up in him so fast that I was not thinking straight. My mind knew that it was wrong. I have and will live with the consequences of that. But I now know that I wasn’t the only one. He had has numerous affairs before me and would have continued to even if it wasn’t with me. But like the post that Sane put here a couple of days ago..He wouldn’t do that to ME right?!? HA! Yes, he would have and probably did.
I see him clearly now for what and who he is. He doesn’t care what happens to anyone in his life. He doesn’t care who he hurts or manipulates.
The NC has also shown me the light. It has given me the time to look at myself and who I want to be. But I will admit, I am scared of the day he contacts me again. Not physically, just emotionally. It has been over a week now with no contact from me or him.
freedom15
Like I told one of my husband flings who ridiculed me and rubbed my face in their affair, “YOU might be different, but HE’s NOT.”
He is not different. I know that what I did was wrong. I became involved with someone who was married. He also admitted to me later on that he was only “faithful” for the first couple years of their marriage. When I asked him why, he said that he liked the variety. That should have been clue #2 that he had issues.
Oh gosh, Kaya, of course they lie to the “affair partners””how else would they get them into the affair!
I have been an honest and sincere person since I came out of the womb. In college, I always did all of the homework problems because I actually thought it would be of value to learn the material. No one else did, because the prof would work them on the board at the next class. I always thought they were cheating themselves, but I’m sure they all went on to get great jobs anyway.
I still have to remind myself that people may not be telling the truth. That their marriage might not be as happy as they make it out to be, that they might really not have gone on that fabulous vacation or get that raise. I’m such an idealist.
People are the same to everyone. The way someone treats other people (honest, lying, abuse, kindness, whatever) is based on his/her values, character, and sense of respect for other people. It has nothing to do with what or who the others are. Spaths try to make their victims believe that they are being abused because of something the victim is, does, or says. So the victims try to change their abuser’s behavior, which is impossible because the abuser is doing exactly what he wants to be doing, and it has nothing to do with what the victim is or isn’t doing and saying. Spaths also try to get victims to believe that they are the only ones being abused by him.
If a spath is being ‘nice’ it is abuse because he is trying to manipulate the victim with ‘niceness.’ When the spath is bullying, and cruel he is trying to manipulate the victim just the same. Spaths don’t care; they just do whatever works to get what they want, to get a reaction, to feel powerful and in control.
Consider whether you can really forgive someone who hasn’t repented and asked for your forgiveness. Consider whether you would forgive if your ex really changed and became a ‘new man’ and deeply regretted what he did to you and your son, the others he harmed, and against God. In that case, I think you would be dealing with a brand new person, and couldn’t go back to an old relationship. Maybe a relationship with this new person would work maybe not. It’s not going to happen, though. Spaths don’t repent because they are willfully choosing to do what they do in full knowledge of right and wrong.
You can turn justice over to God; and you can rely on Him to administer perfect justice. You don’t have to try to forgive because your ex doesn’t want your forgiveness. If he did, he would have repented and asked for it.
When my ex psychopath told me he changed and asked for forgiveness, he was lying to manipulate me. He went right on doing the same things he’d fake ‘repented’ of.
AnnettePK
you mention can we forgive someone when they haven’t repented…what about when they want you to forgive them for what they did?? isn’t that sort of a form of manipulation??
its like he twists it all around to make me think “he’s really trying, he’s apologizing and asking for forgiveness and knows what he did was wrong”
this must also be a form of the disorder?
My ex psychopath pressured me to ‘forgive’ him, which to him meant that I should accept what he did to me, forget what he did, and pretend it did not harm me. This is not real repentance – he is not sorry for harming me and desiring to change. He thinks forgiveness means I accept his abuse.
He was constantly saying he had changed or would change in order to manipulate me into taking him back. My ex P also flip flopped between saying he didn’t know what he was doing wrong, he was trying, he just couldn’t do better – and – he knows how to do right and can do right and will change.
He never changed – pathological liar, abuser, (child) porn addict.
kaya
oh yeh they lie to all of us, married or not
yours lied to you about his little playmates and he may have lied to them as well about you!
mine lied to me about not wanting to marry this girl, but went right ahead and did it and now seemingly regrets it one day and then the next day doesn’t want to hurt her…
are N’s or S’s always so mixed up with their decisions or is it their game?
claims i am the love of his life, we shared so much together, can’t wait to be with me, will cheat on his wife 100% with me , only to take it all back the very next day??? thats not a typical pattern for them?
It’s all a game. They play their victims/targets. They make it up as they go along. They are not mixed up. They know exactly what they are doing and the effect of it. They are what evil is.
If he didn’t want to hurt his wife, he wouldn’t want to hurt you wither. If he didn’t want to hurt his wife he wouldn’t have contacted you in the first place. If he didn’t want to hurt his wife he wouldn’t tell people she’s unattractive.
Consider that unless you’ve confirmed it from another source, he may not be married, he may not be where he says he is. Many spaths are mixed up and random sexually, so he may be with a man, he may be with a child in some country where he can get away with pedophilia, it could be anything.
Annette
i believe you’re right when you say they make it up as they go along…it seems they say what is good for them at that moment..
he is all into “hurt” .. i have always believed he was mixed up with everything he says, never knows which way to move or turn…doesnt know right from wrong socially or morally…that is one thing i have always thought…until the discard…we all get so blown away that they are capable of this because we wouldn’t be…
he is married, yes, i have seen wedding pics that someone showed me. that bothered me greatly for a couple months that picture…i know now though that its just an appearance. and my beliefs are confirmed when he contacted recently behind his wifes back…you see,,,he has a way of doing and saying things too make him appear humane…he will say things that aren’t nice about her and then…playnig with your head, he rewords them, and say “she really is a good girl”
i think he actually feels better when he tries to convince himself that after the nasty things he does say of her…
it could be anywhere, anything that he is capable of, you’re correct…i will never know
Thank you freedom
For your honest words . I know what you mean. I am no contact now for abput 19 months, divorced him and took him to court for everything he got. Oh I used to get so nervous seeing him, my heart was racing. I would break out in a rash. That’s crazy because I was married to him for over 20 years. I thought he was my best friend, my protector , my security. He was nothin but evil and manipulative. Like I said, now o can file his stupid notes away without even reading them. Because I broke the addiction to him. No more attachments. I don’t even see him as the father of my only child. Real fathers don’t get up one night,leave their families and go on a cruise with their co worker/mistress.
To this day I have to laugh about a comment from his lawyer to mine “my client never had any sexual relations with miss***** until the day your client filed for divorce, they were nothing but co workers “. My lawyer and I really had a good laugh. I guess my ex had his lawyer under his “so handsome guy spell “. Ha. That’s why I hired a male lawyer.
All liars.
Thank you anette
Makes perfect sense. I appreciate your advice so much. I have turned over the “forgiveness part ” to God.
Annette
You are so right. My ex does not ask for forgiveness. Because in his mind , in his eyes, he never did anything wrong or sinful. He had to leave because his wife was a crazy b*****. He justified his cheatibg with blaming me so why ask for forgiveness ?
They are just too evil and complicated , too exhausting and too out of there for me. I am grateful for being discarded. No more tears and sorrow for me. And a lot of peace and normality for my son. I know it was difficult for my teenage son to see his father being so abusive to me. Glad this is all in the past. A new chapter of life for me. So far it has been great 🙂
It’s possible that he, and other spaths, know they do wrong, but they bombard us with the concept that they are leaving because we are crazy, etc. so we will be beaten down and not give them any trouble.
Yes, too evil and too complicated and too exhausting – that is their goal. I am also glad that it’s over and that I am out. I understand how you feel. I too appreciate the peace. It took awhile to get here, though.
You set a good example for your son by not tolerating the abuse any more. He can respect you and in that way he will respect women. I’ve heard it said that the way young men treat their moms is the way they will treat their wife.
I was advised to leave a comment here regarding my story! Sorry if this interrupts the thread! I suppose we are all in this crap together!
I met my spath 2 years ago, although I had known him casually for over 29 years, just to say hi to ( we live in a small community)
We got involved because I run a business and he became a volunteer and soon became very active, we met socially
We are both married but became very close friends. He built me up, encouraged me, told me how “wonderful” I was with want I was achieving, the usual banter I suppose of a man who wanted a bit of excitement on the side of an estranged marriage. I must stress that we were friends. I wasn’t having a physical affair, but I do realise I was having an emotional one. But I love my husband and never saw this relationship as a replacement for my marriage. Ok, I know I have been a fool!
He did blow not and cold, sometimes saying I was too “needy” or ” demanding” but then he would also say that he would never do anything he didn’t want to do!
He is a cannabis user and we always had a great laugh. I would make him laugh so much, and he me! It was as if we were on the same wavelength. Both of our spouses knew about our friendship and we always met in public, never hiding away etc.
I have no idea what we have had!!!!!
He blew hot and cold constantly!
At Christmas he was fine. We met up for a drink three days before Xmas and on Xmas Eve he was in the pub with his wife/ family and they joined me and my friend for a drink. We all chatted away. He left, giving me a kiss on the cheek and wishing me a merry Xmas etc, sating he would be in touch.
Xmas passed, and new year then I met him ( bumped into him in town) and he was totally off, shouting a me, saying he was sick of me, didn’t what to be friends anymore etc etc. Worse than he has ever been before.
I was pretty gobsmacked, wondering what on earth was the matter with him.
I texted him a few times and absolutely no response.
Then this morning I bumped into him again ( we live in village, so quite common)
He again was horrid, saying he was “trying to create distance and I was stalking him”
Over the last week or so I have trawled the internet and I have to say that “sociopath” is the conclusion I have come to! He could almost have written the lists of “traits” I have read. He is hat I would describe as a “wide boy” , always searching for the next thrill
The way he is treating me right now is unbearable but I am very angry.
I want I get even with him and have the last word but I feel it is pointless.
Yet I feel if I see him and don’t speak he will have an even worse opinion of me!
How on earth DO you deal with sociopath???
Advice says “no contact”- well, that is not difficult because he won’t speak / communicate constructively with me anyway! He doesn’t want to be my friend obviously, not even to be on friendly terms and I have no idea why. No closure is possible!
I don’t need any type of commitment from him. All I wanted was his friendship and I though he was my best friend. I used to tell him he was untrustworthy, not good partner material BUT that I would trust him with my emotions . He would say “oh elsa, that means the world to me”
I am 50 years old and I feel pathetic!!!
Sorry you have to deal with this spath, and he sounds very rude in telling you you’re too needy or whatever. That is just plain insulting.
Your conclusion is right – no contact beyond polite greeting and be on your way. The greyrock technique in dealing with sociopaths may be helpful to you. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Elsa, his behavior is strange and erratic at best and I’m glad there was no more to your involvement with him! Whatever is going on with him, it’s not good for you, and in my opinion your best bet is to write him off as best you can and go about your business. If you encounter him out and about, polite and brief would be the most I would do. Something is going on, and you don’t want to be a part of it. It sounds like with the blowing hot and cold, things weren’t stacking up for him to be the friend you thought you had/wanted as it was.
You’re not pathetic! You’re normal! You valued his friendship even though he seemed to have some traits that were red flags, and especially that you are both married. That is always tricky. As it is now, your life is unscathed except for hurt feeling and the loss of what you thought was your best friend. I know it hurts!! It sounds like your friendship was heading in a dangerous direction emotionally and this is a blessing in disguise. Don’t look for or hope for closure, it won’t come, or will lead to more trouble.
How on earth do you deal with a sociopath? You DON’T. You get as far away from them as possible and stay there.
I think you’re in good shape – let him go his merry way, forget about getting the last word or getting even. He’s not who you thought he was, whether he’s a sociopath or just a “normal jerk”.
Keep us posted!!!
Well, I just got a Facebook message from one of his friends. I met him and his wife the Saturday before the discard. He sent me a message saying that it was nice to meet me and hoped to see me again. I told him that I haven’t seen or spoken to “him” in over a week. He said that he hasn’t either and that he was supposed to work out with “him” but “he” cancelled saying that “he” was at a friend’s farm.
Anyway…I did not respond back.
The trouble is, I feel completely “scathed”
I feel like I have been emotionally raped. I laid myself bare, told him things I should never have, deep things. I told him my deepest insecurities and yet, when I saw him just after Xmas, he said “I don’t wnat to hear about your f….ing life, go and find some other confident”
I think it the shock of it all that has got to me.
I definitely think he is a sociopath….. As I said, it’s like seeing him in a mirror.
He has fed off me. He once told me he loved taking me out of my comfort zone, widening my zone as he out it! He saw me as a naive woman ( I don’t think I am necessarily) but he almost saw me as a project!!
After the last two years telling me he wanted to leave his wife and family and go and travel the world , he has now shelved his plans and I think he is miserable about that. But he can’t blame me. I was never ever standing in his way! And I never felt I had any influence or call on his life!
His wife was happy to pursue her own interests ( she told me that to my face so it isn’t the classic unfaithful man feeding another woman a load of crap)
Elsa, the thing about loving to take you out of your comfort zone is clearly grooming. He got you to tell him your deepest insecurities and he used them to hurt you. I also know the pain of telling someone things you should never have told them and having them used to hurt me.
The good news is his actions have allowed you to see the light and make sure that he can do you no more harm. I agree with Jan7 that you should tell your husband everything because it is likely that he will try do something that could turn your life upside down and you and your husband need to be prepared for it.
There is nothing you can do to smooth things over or figure it out, since you can’t trust anything that he says or does. I know you are hurting, but you will handle that. Don’t let him back in in any way, shape or form to allow him to do you even more harm.
I let mine back multiple times and he destroyed my life. You can stop it now.
I think I could ruin him more easily because he hasn’t been half as open with his wife as I have been with my husband.
I cant see why he would try and hurt me as he doesn’t want me back in his life, that is the whole point – he ha discarded me as worthless, boring, surplus to his requirements etc etc. I meant nothing to him and now he is happily letting me know it and to hell with how I feel about that!
yes………grooming is a good description!!
Hi Elsa, glad you posted your story over here. His behavior is nasty and mean. Please follow the “no contact rule” (google) with this guy he will bring nothing but a emotional/mental roller coaster ride in to your life with you & your family. If you see him in your town walk (FAST) away from him, do not engage in any conversation with him what so ever. This is the only way to have peace & calmness restored in your life.
Please keep in mind that sociopaths always come back to past victims…DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR back into your life if he does. Focus on your family & friends and keep this guy out for good. His behavior is not normal and normal person would engage in a conversation to straighten out the situation but he is not normal in his behavior therefor you can not keep your standard polite manners with him like you would with a normal person.
Everything a sociopath does is intentional to control and have power over people and their minds. DO NOT give this guy your power. Tell your husband everything about this relationship because sociopaths will engage in a smear campaign of lies so to avoid this tell your husband/friends what you guys did that way there are no surprises if this guy does engage in a sociopath smear campaign (google). Your friends/husband will know the guy is lying if he ever does come up with lies.
Please know you are not alone hon, keep venting, posting here for advise or just to clear your mind. Watch the videos located at the top of this sight under the “video tab” have your friends and husband look at this site too.
Take care.