UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
ps your statement “I laid myself bare, told him things I should never have, deep things. I told him my deepest insecurities..” this is exactly what a sociopath does to their victims…they get the juice emotional rawness and they will exploit the victims at a later day…dont let him in your life ever again hon…he will try to weasel back in with some bs line “I was going through some things but I need you know in my life again”…DONT BUY IS BS LINES.
Talk to your husband openly.
Sending you big hugs…you found the right site for comfort and support!
Thanks Jan7.
right now, I don’t feel he will come back. I feel that he thinks he is well shot of me and he is doing the “leaving” (from what I have read it is often us victims who are trying to leave)
don’t you think he has decided I am an unattractive option for him? (boring as he put it last week!)
I don’t think he will come back
I want to breathe a sigh of relief but at the moment I am not – I want to talk to him, straighten it out even if I don’t want to get back to wherever we once were – how could we anyway? He has hurt me so much.
Elsa, beware. Mine “left” multiple times (I call them mini-discards) when he needed me out of the way for one reason or another. He came back again and again to wreak more havoc in my life. It is certain that this guy had a clear reason for treating you the way he did.
I understand wanting to talk to him and straighten it out but please don’t act on that. It won’t go in your favor, and will only leave you open to more manipulations.
I always wanted to do the same thing too – thing is, there is nothing to straighten out. You acted in good faith in your friendship and he abused it and you. He doesn’t deserve anything from you and his strikes are up. Game over.
I don’t think anyone has ever successfully had closure with sociopaths; this is a point of pain and frustration for victims.
Be very glad he views you as boring. It would be good if you could keep conveying that to him.
Hi Elsa, please know you will never get closure with a sociopath ever…normal people want to straighten the matter out or at least have closure but a sociopath never will give you this they will just keep messing with your mind for fun. Your closure Elsa is the fact you are learning about the sociopath disorder and that you were swept up into his con game. That is a lot of closure if you really look at it clearly. Right now I think you might still be in a little shock at what has happened to you (which is very normal) so keep reading and it will open your mind up to all the mental games he played on you (& others).
Sociopaths “discard” their victims most of the time but like I stated they will come back around looking for their old supplies to feed their egos. Read Donna Anderson’s Lovefraud book and also listen to the free audio version of The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout it’s on you tube for free.
also check out the site psychopathyawareness. wordpress (more great info over there too)
Feel drained-after another sleepless night, finally falling asleep at 5am. The hurt if replaying won’t stop.
I have removed his number from my phone, although I know it by heart anyway. I am not going to contact him. He stonewalls me anyway and I don’t think he will call me.
I just dread seeing him, being accused of stalking him. His whole persona is now angry!
I feel weak and sad but more than anything, scared!!,
Good Morning, I am new to this website but not new to living with the aftermath of spaths.
The relationship with spath#2 ended several months ago. In my gut I knew there was something “wrong” but was willing to listen to his victimization and stories of his FOUR ex-wives. After a month of gnashing my teeth I picked up a book I read after spath#1.
Mostly I couldn’t believe what I was reading and what I was feeling. I was reeling b/c I knew in my gut from the time I heard FOUR ex-wives there were issues that would prevent a healthy relationship. I spent 6-9 months working on me to prevent more hurts only to find myself drawn back into a relationship with spath#2.
This time I’m committed to at least a full year of me time, family and kid time. I can’t stomach another violation of my trust and compassion. I read a lot, journal a lot, take notes, thank God that it ended when it did and that I didn’t loan him the money he repeatedly asked for, and didn’t let him move in and damage my kids (like he damaged/damages his own) and pray that I really LEARN this time how to listen to my heart, soul, mind, and body when it SCREAMS “danger, danger, danger.”
Thank you for providing this site and support.
nomorehurts
Welcome. It sounds like you are doing a lot of good and helpful things to protect yourself, and that you understand that spaths don’t change.
I’m sorry that you suffered spath abuse. You did a good thing keeping him away from your children and didn’t loan him your money. My biggest regret is the harm my ex psychopath did to my son.
I have found much on this and other sites that help me get beyond the past experience and avoid another one in the future.
Nomoehurts
I think you’re on the right track by giving yourself a full year of focus on yourself and your kids. I’m hoping that that is all it will take for me as well – some of my friends have commented that I go out with an attitude of still being married so I think it’s going to be a long time before I drop my guard and smile at a stranger, something I’m not ready for anyway.
Good luck with everything and thank your lucky stars you trusted your instincts when it came to giving him money.
nomorehurts
you are at the right place…i have said so many times if it weren’t for what i read on here and other sites, i would NOT have moved forward…i know it..
reading over and over different posts, asking advice, reading articles and other forums was the only way out for me…i didn’t know when this all happened there was such a thing as a person this disordered…i had no clue. though it is too bad for him that he has this, i am thankful because it explains so much of his actions and unkept promises…
we don’t know enough at the very beginning of a relationship when we are given red flags..now we do. i also ignored the signs thinking “oh, ok, well i don’t think that will happen with me”
if i saw this now, with what i know, i would be the worlds fastest runner…
we are all in the same boat 🙂
Hanalei
What you stated is so true “on a foundation of pain”. Exactly. My marriage, from day one was a foundation of pain. I call it a sandcastle marriage. Built out of sand that can easily be destroyed by incoming waves, wind, someone stepping in it, anything. No solid foundation of truth and trust. And if you don’t have those 2 components there can never be any love. Like someone said an illusion. Thinking back I never saw my ex truly emotional, caring and loving. It was always about him. You know the middle letter in the word of sin is I. And that’s all it is, I am entitled to this, I want this, I am not happy , I want a young mistress , I want porn, I want to exchange nude pictures with a co worker.
I am still working on my self esteem. He’s wanted to destroy every ounce of it. Sometimes I have flash backs. Is my hair too short ? Did I gain a few pounds? Is the house cleaned to his standard? Then I realize , it does not matter anymore. Because I have my life back.
By going no contact I took his “narcissistic ego kibbles” away. Without that he will starve. Even though he probably has thousand of new supply, it hurts him that I uncovered his mask and that I stopped feeding him his kibbles. 🙂
Kaya I read a short paragraph on Psychopath Free the other day that was so profound and I wish I had saved it. It basically said that the psychopath wants someone who will never catch on, will never figure it out. That is their ideal partner.
I was that partner for a very long time. I accepted, dealt with, and managed everything he threw my way. I let him convince me that he knew better than I did about absolutely everything. I’ve mentioned here before how my therapist told me my few days a week away from him kept me from disappearing completely into his oblivion and I believe that completely. I still had breathing room where I could be me and do things my way, even if it was brief. He fought to steal that time from me, he punished me for it and ruined it if he could. He was very successful but he never killed the spark.
With hindsight, I believe now that his pushing me to bring another woman into the relationship was a crossroads. It wasn’t exactly me “catching on” (far from it), but it served the same purpose, because I laughed it off, ignored it, stonewalled it, avoided it. His pushing for this increased in the months that lead up to us buying the house together, and escalated dramatically in the weeks after I had moved to the new house while he stayed behind. He hounded me about it on the phone constantly, and berated me for not “taking care of him”. Meanwhile, ALL I was doing was attempting to set up the house in a way that would please him when he got there. The combination of having almost a month of freedom from him and his relentless hounding resulted in me not coming across as subservient (for lack of a better word) as he expected and angered him greatly.
I didn’t catch on until he was long gone, but the reality was I had failed to comply with his every whim and it meant I was out the door. Thank God he asked for something I would not do because I knew it would destroy me. He gave me plenty of time to get with the program, he pushed the other woman agenda very hard for at least a year. I’m sure there’s more to it than this, but in the end, there was something I failed to do for him and thus, he had no further use for me. And he had his stable of women on the sidelines all ready to be moved up to first string.
The two women I talked to from his job both caught on to him very quickly and shut him down – that is why he punished them by causing them to lose their jobs.
I wonder if the woman he married has caught on yet and is heartsick at what she has gotten herself into. I have heard that she sold her own home to move into his, and that they have put a lot of money into fixing up his house – money I know he didn’t have. It is likely that she will end up losing all her financial security just like I did and wind up with nothing. It’s so easy for me to see him fluffing her up telling her he is fixing up the house to make it nice for her, and she being so taken in by that that she doesn’t even realize it’s HER money that’s doing it. I’ve been there.
I’m still working on my self esteem too. It’s not easy.
Hind sight is always 20/20 (at least for me it is). Spath for several months was trying to get me to loan him money (3K) or make joint purchases of expensive items. I kept pushing back. Within a few weeks the “relationship” changed. He was finding that I wasn’t as willing as ex-wife #1, #2, #3, or #4 to co-mingle funds.
I’m quite certain spath will shortly find a new victim willing to move in and share expenses with him until he discards her too.
We are the winners in the long run!
nomorehurts
Hanalei
It’s scary to think that I could lose everything again in a future relationship because I’m too easily lead. I’m glad you shared what he’s accomplished with his new wife because it’s enough warning to me for any future relationship, if I allow one…
Hanalei
I was discarded when I exposed him. They hate that. You should have seen the reaction when my lawyer wanted to depose the affair partner. All hell broke lose .
Like you my ex pushed for things I would never do. Things are just unacceptable for me. He did not respect my view and I am glad I didn’t not comply with his wishes.
I think they underestimate us though. Like my ex always would say “you never file for divorce , you never talked to a lawyer , because you want me back ” . He was so wrong. By then I talked to several lawyers and even gave my attorney the retainer.
Does your ex still work for that same company ? Did he meet that new woman there at work? He must have a great reputation.
Kaya, my ex stopped working for that company in 2011 the same month we bought the house. He told me he retired, but he actually was asked to leave. They kept him on the books and paid him his salary and benefits for 8 months so he could reach earliest retirement age. I have no idea if he has worked since, or where he met the woman he married.
My ex did underestimate me. His last email to me ended something like this (thank goodness I can’t recall the exact wording, that means it’s fading into the past): You have burned so many bridges with me that I don’t even know where you can start mending them but maybe you can figure something out.
First, I hadn’t burned any bridges, I’d done nothing but cater to him and be a good partner. Second, I recognized this as a manipulation and a challenge”he KNEW what I would read into that was that if I brought him another woman, I could make things ok between us. (He would never say it directly, so in the future he could always say he didn’t make me do it, I did it of my own free will.) He KNEW I would do that rather than deal with the consequences of the situation he had left me in, which he knew would completely sidetrack my life.
He was wrong. I never responded to that email, and never communicated with him again except through my attorney. My life was sidetracked even worse than I imagined, but I never stepped off the path. Not once.
HahaleiMoon
Your ex was revealing himself at the same time he was trying to goad you into competing to get him back. I am so glad you realized it was not YOU who was burning bridges.
Hi Elsa, how you are feeling physical and emotional is exactly how a victim of a sociopath feels after being discard. Racing mind, not being able to sleep, sad, angry etc
For your sleep issue/racing mind look at adrenalfatigue. org & Drlam. com see their symptoms list/take the quiz/read. Our bodies adrenal glands after a breakup or a death of a loved naturally releases large amounts of cortisol…this large amount of cortisol is what is keeping you up at night and also causing your thoughts to just keep going around in your mind. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s victims (on adrenalfatigue. org site) several times a day and within days my anxiety has half they really do work. Your local health food store might also have vitamins for the adrenal glands. (obviously check with your doctor first).
Start journalling or come here an vent it really does help to clear your mind of all of that guys bs words he has planted in your mind.
Check out the facebook pages: after narcissistic abuse & psychopath free are other great places to vent also…open a fake email then a fake facebook page that way you can chat without your family/friends or him/his family/his friends seeing what you are saying. Keep reading and keep venting it will help you.
Take care,
I am angry with him!! To the point where if he contacted me right now I would want to reject him! I know that feeling needs to last!
I feel like I am the one who has behaved like a sociopath ( at least if he had thya info I think he would ay this!! )
He told me all along he didn’t want a relationship. I got that and I was fine with it. But even a week before Xmas he sat in the pub, put his hand on mode And said “you re a really good friend, the kind of friend that when the chips are down I can really count on”
Well….. I felt the same about him.
To me a friend is someone who can contact you without being ignored, someon you turn to when things a re not so good, someone you can depend on to be trustworthy etc.
I was all of that to him and he was to me at times.
I read somewhere today that the “devalue” stage of a realtionship with a sociopath is often not identifiable. I can relate to that so much.
It was “on” then “off”….. No explanation, no closure, no compassion or empathy! A true sociopath
I have no idea what I was drawn to this man, even as a personality.
He is immoral ( had lots of affairs, at least be said be had, but didn’t want that with me) – he once told me I wasn’t the kind of woman who made him go wow!!! BUT he said he loved my personality! my sense of humour ( we did have a great laugh!!)
I wasn’t offended at his lack of attraction as it wasn’t that kind of relationship!
He uses cannabis everyday ( could this be part of the issue), is quite a heavy drinker socially, he is dishonest!
I feel that I know so much about him that I could ruin him in half an hour!!
He told me he had a child his wife knows nothing about, he also had a woman waiting for him in Thailand who didn’t know he was married ( I know this is true, she called often when we were together) but he used to complain to me that she was too intense, calling too often!
I used to tell him to tell her about his wife ( who he was planning to break up with) – they were working on their financial issues so they could separate their assets. Surprise, surprise, they are now reconciled!!!
She has made comments to me in the last few months which make me realise that he has bad mouthed me to her. She once commented to me on m business activities that she didn’t know how someone ( me) who was so close to a nervous breakdown coudk manage the job!!! I was shocked, didn’t explore the comment at the time and when I mentioned it to him he said ( in a shocked way) “I shifts what se said…. She is losing the plot”
Why didn’t I see through all of this along the way??
I feel bad for his wife, who I know and have no problem with!!
What A mess!
I spoke to my husband about how he had behaved towards me earlier this week and he said ” well, he is that kind of oerson isn’t he!?”
He and his wife do have a long term reputation locally for being “druggies” and he is very belligerent about it, saying it has no effect on him etc.
Thanks for the info re adrenalin. I will look it up!! X