UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Elsa…wow this guy is not a good guy at all and the things he does do match up with sociopathic behavior. He does not treat his wife with respect or love her what so ever nor does he respect you or your friendship with him, he is every evil. Of course he bad mouth you to her (sociopath smear campaign). Why? because you know to much so he has to discredit you before you go to his wife and spill the beans. He has triangulated her against you so that she will not believe you = classic sociopath manipulation. google: “sociopath triangulation” & “sociopath smear campaign”
All sociopaths want something from everyone that enters their life…YOU were target for something? ask yourself what he wanted from you and it’s not a friendship, a sociopath is looking for something they are to lazy to get or they want to have fun and exploit others, they want money, or sex, or a place to live etc. This guy seemed like he was looking for an affair with you and thank goodness you were not looking for one. Or maybe to take over your business or both. Like I stated this guy is bad bad news!! Keep clear of him!! Go NO CONTACT and block his phone number from your phone and all email too. Dont weaver on this Elsa, seriously Elsa do not weaver. Look what he has done to your life right now.
Your own words describing this guy:
financial issues
druggies
drug user
immoral had lots of affairs,
uses cannabis everyday
is quite a heavy drinker socially,
he is dishonest!
He told me he had a child his wife knows nothing about
woman waiting for him in Thailand who didn’t know he was married
(his wife) She has made comments to me in the last few months which make me realise that he has bad mouthed me to her
*** She once commented to me on m business activities that she didn’t know how someone ( me) who was so close to a nervous breakdown coudk manage the job!!!
***THIS last COMMENT IS THE SCARIEST COMMENT THAT YOU MADE SOCIOPATHS LOVE LOVE LOVE TO BREAK THEIR TARGET VICTIMS DOWN WITH AN NERVOUS BREAKDOWN (stress breakdown)…PLEASE GET THIS GUY OUT OF YOUR LIFE ASAP!! Sociopaths screw with their victims minds so that they do have a stress/nervous breakdown!!
This is not a type of person you call a “friend” in your life. Look what he has done to you emotionally right now…he is emotional breaking you down. This is what sociopaths LOVE to do. Guess what he is doing the same to his own wife behind closed doors.
You are going through the grieving stages of a loss…just like a person goes through with a death of a family or friend. Google “grieving stages”….right now you seem to be going back and forth with shock, sadness and anger (very very normal and justified) right now you can block him because you are angry but when you get back to the “sad” stage again then you might talk with him and he will suck you back into his sick twist mind game. Sociopath are masterful at pulling someone back into their life then discard them…it’s nothing but an emotional & mental roller coster ride with a sociopath. the victims must finally choose to jump off the sociopath roller coster ride by following the “no contact rule”. Have your husband & friends look at lovefraud & the other sites I posted because he may go to them when he finds out you blocked him and tell lies to them about you (sociopath smear campaign).
Ask yourself everyday:
Do I really want a guy in my life who is not ethical, who has no morals or integrity?
Keep Read, Read, Read to open your mind up to this guys sociopathic traits one day you will say to your self what the hell was I thinking to let this guy into my life and my families life…that day is just around the corner Elsa.
Elsa you are going to get through this horrible event in your life and you will be stronger because you will be educated. Remember that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopath who blend into society but you will be able to spot them quickly in your future and know to go no contact with them.
Take care.
my ex had LOTS of affairs and one night stands. The main reasons was to 1) “teach me a lesson”, to humiliate me, to put me “in my place”, 2) to enlist others to abuse me, 3) for dupers delight
There were other reasons, but these were the main ones.
The ONE reason that NEVER applied to the ‘other woman’? Love. Desire. Attachment. He NEVER wanted them, he only wanted to use them. Same about me, never wanted me, only wanted to use me. Oh, and he wanted to destroy me because I had the gall to think I was worthy of Love.
Yeah, I knew the minute I started reading about sociopaths that he was one!!!
I have seen him in action!
I have been stupid, I know.
I am 50 years old for goodness sake ( he is 64….. How scary is that???) He has a catalogue of unhappiness behind him. He once told me he loved nobody apart from his two kids ( who he was planning to leave behind in the Uk and head for a new life in Thailand with his woman!)
He also said that he always ends up hurting people, it’s just what he does.
Me….. I stupidly believed that because I was in a “relationship” with him that that didn’t apply to me!!
When he discarded me last summer I asked him” don’t you care that I am upset and confused?”
He replied ” why should I care if you hate me, I don’t even care if my family hate me so what’s so special about you?”
We didn’t communicate in a positive way until mid October from late July. I was trying to reflect on how we got back to being “friends” again for Oct/ Nov / Dec and it was probably down to me, texting him saying “do you fancy a drink”
Sometimes he would say no, sometimes yes.
Last time, I didn’t sleep for weeks, a big event I was organising was imminent and it nearly destroyed me. I went on holiday with my husband for my 50 birthday in early September and cried nearly the whole time. I ended up on sleeping pills. And you know what? As soon as we reconnected , I slept like a log!! Looking back, he never said sorry, we just sort of drifted back to being on friendly terms. Less intense I suppose than previously and the last few weeks I have definitely seen him less frequently but it just goes to show, even that was “too much” for him
I really think he has “got out” this time and probably feeling relieved and obviously indifferent to my feelings again.
I know that life’s of what I have read says they come back but I am not convinced he will.
I wish now that he would go to Thailand. At one time, I didn’t wan him to go. He wanted me to go and visit him and experience that life!
He told me that he loved taking me out of my comfort zone and seeing me experience life. He said I was so naive and he said that is what he “loved” about me!
elsa,
Do you wonder why you slept so well that night?
I had a similar experience with my ex one of the times he came back to me, and for that night, the misery went away.
When they are draining the life force from you, the result is intense misery. That’s why for those times they don’t drain your lifeforce, the difference is so intense that it feels good. (so similar to addiction that some people call it addiction). They are parasites. You now understand the mechanics of being in relationship with a parasite.
My therapist words of wisdom: “NWHSOM… the absence of abuse is NOT love!”
I say the same to you, he is manipulating your body chemistry. The truth is, he’s not “indifferent to your feelings again.” but rather he only ever pretended to care at all. To protect yourself, you have to break the spell he put on you.
The fact is, it’s darn hard for a soulless person to use another if they reveal their true nature. Would you go out with a man that you knew from the very beginning that he was incapable of caring about your feelings? That he would ONLY pretend in order to manipulate you?
It’s a very hard, heartbreaking journey you are on, but once you are through the valley of darkness, the misery drops away… and self empowerment and joy will have the space to grow in your life.
I hope for that day!
Strangely, I do feel stronger today. This is day three ( not consecutive) where I haven’t texted him. I am ashamed of the tests I have sent him, asking what on earth is the matter, saying sorry, asking if we can be friends and he hasn’t answered one, not one!
He says he wants me to leave him alone, so he can distance himself.
I am prepared to do that . I wish I knew he would never try again. I don’t feel he will at the moment but I am not convinced given what I have read on here and other sites!!
Elsa he intentionally formed an addition to him with his manipulation. This is what you have to break free from. Sociopaths first build up their target with nice words…then they will eventually turn and belittle you very stealthy. This causes confusion with the target victims so he victim will try to be on their best behavior around the sociopath always trying to “please” the sociopath to get the praise again…but you are only going to get the praise (the carrot dangling) very limited times and it is all manipulation lies it is never true words this is their mind game. So a victim must break the addition cold turkey just like someone who is addicted to drugs/food/alcohol etc. (reading your post he was very masterful at this kind of stealth belittling). You have an addiction to him & his praise words.
I would highly recommend that you put all of your energy into your marriage right now to break this addition to this evil guy…take time to have little weekly dates with your husband…ie after dinner at home go out for a walk or go to a museum etc. Start dating your husband again that will help to fill up the void you are feeling now. You can google your city’s name and the word “things to do” to find free things to do.
Just know that the sociopath is a liar, manipulator who is very cunning and stealth with his mind games towards his victims. He is a con artist!!
Google “gas lighting abuse sociopath”
Elsa you were not “stupid”, you were conned by a masterful con artist and you were not educated.
Steven Hassan a cult and domestic abuse counselor who has been on CNN, Fox News, 60 minutes etc states that anyone and everyone can be sucked into a relationship with one of these evil people. These sociopaths literally use brain washing, mind control, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment, install fear & phobias into their victims mind etc to control them. Hassan also states the most likely time a person will get sucked into a abusive relationship is when they have a life change such as going off to college, or empty nest, a divorce, relationship issues, a death in the family, a job change etc.
Did you have sometime of life change when you met this guy?
Elsa, I agree with everything Jan7 has written. You already knew who he was, and that he wasn’t a good person.
It is telling that you went on holiday for your birthday with your husband and cried nearly the whole time about the OTHER guy”for you, the relationship had gone way too far, and it was poisoning your life.
I was 49 when I got involved with my ex and 56 when he discarded me for the final time. I am here to tell you that you don’t want this man to impact your life any farther than he already has, and find yourself pushing 60 with your life in ruins behind you as mine is. Pull yourself together and start making things right.
We’ve already cautioned you that these bad pennies have a habit of returning so please be aware that he might. If he does, he will use the same smooth techniques to reel you back in to the muck – because he already knows what is music to your ears. He has a way of making you feel not just good but GOOD, and you are vulnerable to that. We all were. The fact that he said he loved taking you out of your comfort zone and seeing you experience life makes my skin crawl – my ex said similar things to me and it was all manipulation.
Someone who makes you cry is not good for you. Someone who pushes you to needing sleeping pills is not good. Someone who builds you up to knock you down is not good. Someone who abuses you and drifts back in to being on friendly terms is not good.
You still have your life and your husband. I hope you will focus on that and keeping your life in order.
Don’t worry, I will.
When I went on holiday with my husband it was a combination of the sociopath experience as well as a period of intense workload with my business, which was also impacted by him too.
I married at 18. We have been married a long time. I was too young BUT my husband is a good man! the absolute total opposite to the guy. Ok, he doesn’t have an outgoing personality but he is steady, faithful….. All those things.
This guy, I know, got involved in my business, which is a fantastic community project and intended for the purpose of involving people. He bigger himself up. Made himself key in the sense of being very “visible” in the community in which we live and he was a good help, I can’t deny that. But he became “bored” with it last summer and walked away from it.
I value my husband more that I ever have in my life.
I think this guy swept me off my feet, made me feel special, interesting, capable etc etc. Only to leave me in shreds.
I do thank you all for your comments, which are helping!! It is so difficult to talk to people you know about this situation. A couple do my friends do know and they think he is a total wastes of space.
I WILL recover…… I just hope I can forgive myself and learn to walk past him without even looking his way when I bump into him in my small town!!
Thanks you again
Elsa, I am so happy that you have a wonderful “steady, faithful” husband…that is a true true blessing in this world!!
Glad also that your friends see through this sociopaths con game..that will also help you to recover fully.
This guy used you for a good standing in the community. Very common for a sociopath to want to stand next to a good person. These sociopath target woman who are ethical, have high integrity and are good people. They do this to blend in.
YOU WILL recover…your welcome…we have all been exactly where you are and someone took time out of their life to guide us too…no doubt you will do the same for a new victim down the road.
Take care.
Steven Hassan is the author of Freedom of Mind (which I recommend that you read). This book explains the brain washing/mind control aspect that a sociopath uses on their targets. Such a scary world!!
i do think that is correct. he wanted the high profile of being attached to my project, wanted top be seen as a key player but, probably due to his instability, if not his sociopathy, he couldn’t keep up the job . the pressure got to him and it was no longer important to him…. so double whammy, he dropped me along with it all too.
Elsa that makes sense. Do others know that he quite before the project was completed? or will he take credit now for all of the work??
My ex h always got others to do all the work while he took all the credit.
no he wont take credit at all. my core team (of which he was part) have all heard of some of his behaviour.
we were organising an event last summer which a friend of his from Spain was coming to lead and he messed up (the sociopath I mean) so his wife started getting involved. when I asked the path why she was trying to sort it he said well she recognises that (my business) is not up to the job and feels it will reflect badly on us because he is our friend
see how he was discrediting me, my business etc behind my back!! I wish now that I had had a few words with his wife and put her right!
put some breathing room between you & you for now then down the road you can have a conversation with her (his wife) if you so desired. But for now focus on you & your family. The guy is a liar and his wife is his number one victim. She is his “fixer” aways cleaning up his messes, he has her trained for this job…I know I was the same with my ex h. That is the cycle I had to break even towards the end of my marriage before I left him I was letting him make his major mistakes but he was so use to me stepping in without him asking to fix the problem that he would get into his “pity me” manipulation attempting to get me to do things. Now he has new people for that ridiculous job (lol).
“see how he was discrediting me, my business etc behind my back!! I wish now that I had had a few words with his wife and put her right!”
This is the covert cunning belittling I was talking about. The reality is he was lying to his wife about you to shift the blame to you/your team and away from him…Im sure he has had multiple job firings and she is probably sick of his lack of work ethics.
My ex h was lying to me about everyone in business which I half believed as I could see his behavior and I knew his history of getting fired.
hi elsa
i too am 50 and my ex is 60,,,you think a grown man at this age would know, right?
nope i don’t think age makes a difference.
it seems to be that a sociopath has had a rough upbringing or a rough past. does this make them this way? i suppose it can BUT there are plenty of people coming from a bad upbringing who turn out well and aren’t sociopaths/N.. who knows why they are the way they are.
mine once made a comment to me after having a few drinks that i ignored…saying “I’m a toxic person to be involved with”
i wish i had know what i know now..that is a red flag
you sound as though your husband is a caring person..although your sociopath wasn’t romantically involved with you, imagine the destruction it could have done to you and how that could have ruined your marriage with your husband..
i didn’t think mine would resurface after he left me. he emailed me at xmas wanting me back and he’d go to the end of the earth to do so…i haven’t heard back since…im certain that was a way to put his foot in the door and now i am on guard should he reappear…so be careful, now i believe that they do come back…
i found reading all comments on all the articles provided on LF was my saviour…just keep reading and posting your heart away, everyone on here is so wonderful 🙂
It is so hard because they wouldn’t have this effect if they were not so great at making you feel good. As someone said, not good but GOOD
My spath made me feel I could do anything I wanted.
He made me feel alive where I had felt dead for years – my self esteem was through the roof, my confidence levels raised and I felt I had a real friend who was proud of everything I was achieving with my business and project, someone who listened and supported my ideas!
The idea that he didn’t give a damn is so hard to accept but unless I do I will never be free!!
So glad to say that I slept last night.
Somehow, I feel more at peace. I am sure, in part, to having been able to process it all here.
I know it isn’t finished. I still have to come. Face to face with him at some point but will try my hardest to make sure that doesn’t happen very soon.
Lots of things are making sense! I can’t forgive him for the way he has dealt with me and I just how he gets his come uppence somehow. I know he isn’t happy deep down.
I, being the kind of person who has deep empathy for people, was perfect prey. Do sociopaths want that validation that most people want deep down in themselves?
He used to tell me he wasn’t a nice person. He used to say “don’t like me, I am not a good person”
Of course, lots of people who don’t feel good about themselves might say that sort of thing people who are looking for validation. But maybe he really meant it??? And I was too stupid to see it right before my eyes!
I am sure his wife is his “fixer”, taking on his weaknesses and problems etc all her life. And I am sure she has a very poor opinion of me via him! The truth is, I tried to encourage him to treat her better, build bridges etc. She will never know and that doesn’t matter. Just shows what kind of a man he is!!
Elsa, glad you slept last night! Giving your mind a rest will go a long way to making you feel better.
Yes, when he said “don’t like me, I am not a good person” he really meant it.
My ex used to say that he wished that he could feel things as deeply as I did but that he didn’t and he never had”that he just didn’t feel things that way. He was telling me who he was but I just didn’t recognize it.
You are not stupid! You didn’t know what he was and he was so good at exploiting your vulnerabilities. It has happened to all of us here. The good news is that with his latest antics, you have seen the light and are making changes so that your life won’t be ruined by him. From what you have said, it seems like he was on your mind a lot and taking your focus off your marriage and own life. Although it hurts a lot, be very thankful that his latest actions caused you to see through him and realize what he is. I am certain it’s saved you from much worse than you have already endured.
Keep doing what you’re doing, stay strong in your marriage and your life and you will be able to handle it appropriately when and if you do encounter him.
Hi Elsa…good night sleep is always the best!! 😉 I think you are right, you are processing everything and clearing your mind for a good night sleep. Keep clear of this evil guy when you see him in town DONT talk to him it will just re-earth all that you are processing now.
HanaleiMoon post is good advise.
Yes, I am so thankful for the support here! I am sure that is what has largely helped me over the last couple of days especially.
One think I am finding difficult to process about my story is:
IDEALISE stage: he sucked me into his world but quite early on he began to tell me ” don’t like me”…… ” I am a bad person”……” I always end up hurting people” etc etc
To my shame, that endeared him to me
DEVALUE stage: he began to tell me he wanted us to ease off, not see each other as often etc etc. He was “going away to Thailand and we needed to calm things down”
But he also told me that he didn’t do anything he didn’t want to do, if he didn’t want to see me he wouldn’t and if he did he would, that I should never be in any doubt if I asked him for a drink and he came it was because she wanted to, not because he felt obliged or that he w worried about hurting my feelings.
So…… I took him at his word . If he said no, I never tried to persuaded him, every, and if he said yes, that was fine. He also sometimes asked me fora drink.
So, now the DISMISS stage has happened! hasn’t he got what he wanted? got rid of me! made ME back off because he has been cruel etc.
So…… Why would he come back?
It is all so complicated!!!
Undertheradar, I had never combined finances in any way with anyone including the man I was married to, in order to protect my financial security. Of course I shared this information with my ex along the way, and that gave him enough intel on me to know my vulnerability and exploit it.
It feels wrong that we need to look at personal relationships as we would business arrangements, but it must be done if we are going to protect ourselves from ruin.
My ex pushed for marriage and I was dragging my feet, mostly because I felt it was unnecessary and I was a little scared of it. My ex talked about prenups many, many times, in the vein of him wanting me to be assured that he was always looking out for my best interest and wanting me to be protected financially. I’m certain that if we had gotten married, the prenup would have fallen to the wayside. I would imagine that there is no prenup in his current marriage, that she sold her property and is putting her money into his, and he has never added her to the title. In this state, a spouse has no claim to property held separately before marriage. She is in her late 50’s and may be jeopardizing her financial future.
This is not a stretch for me, because over the years, I worked with him to fix up a property his family had in Mexico that had fallen into disuse and disrepair. I put a decent amount of my own money into it (and endless sweat equity) because it was going to be a retirement getaway for us. It was always “for us”, “for the future”, and best of all, he hinted that if I didn’t participate, he might not think I was fully invested in the relationship.
I am a person who would share anything I have. I still am inside, but when I look at other people, most of the time my first thought is wondering what THEY want to steal from me.
HanaleiMoon
What you describe is one of the ways my ex financially scammed me. I was always a strong worker. I like to work, I like seeing progress and rewards for hard work. My ex knew this about me, and he knew I grew up poor and so was determined to work to be financially secure. I was a saver, or I’d invest time/work/money so that I’d have something for retirement. The biggest projects in our lives was for “retirement”. That’s why we built our own home, to live below our means, and used the difference for other properties, to buy commercial real estate, etc.
My ex used me to build HIS nest egg. I had no knowledge that he took assets out of my name and put them into the one biz he had before we married… thus when we divorced, the asset we both worked on (me primarily) was legally in HIS NAME ONLY. He was also withdrawing $10,000 per month for almost three years from our joint community asset business. I had no idea because he was doing the accounting for that business, and I’d read the statements, and it made sense that there were expenses. But turns out his accounting was imaginable. I called it Enron accounting.
And yes, my ex used to accuse me of not being fully into our marriage if I questioned the wisdom of certain business decisions like making improvements on his parents land… his argument was that he was going to inherit it and we were renting it so why not improve the thing he (we) was going to inherit so our work during those 20 years before inheritance would be easier. Yep. I worked my ass off to improve HIS inheritance. ME? I escaped being murdered. Sometimes I don’t think it was a good enough tradeoff.
Like you, (now that I am free of my ex, and not murdered…) I do tend to look at others and wonder what is their motive. I don’t allow people into my inner trust until I see what they are about… and even then, I am careful what personal things I reveal. I do reveal my character, that I believe in certain things, but not anything that they can scam from me.
Hanalei
I understand your fear. The spaths change us and make us cautious and protective. I’m starting to wonder if the wall I’ve built is a good thing? Sharing what I have is in my DNA and it goes against my core beliefs to be different. When I’m not authentic, I feel off kilter, it sends me down the emotional scale – there is no joy when I’m on guard and my head becomes tense – not a pleasant feeling! I understand that I’ll be this way and took on board what you said but ultimately, now I’ve thought it through, I’ll probably revert to the giver I’ve always been and if there’s consequences then at least I’ll know that I was still the better person.
Not sure if anyone on here has posted about their study into the latest in Epigenetic research but this is really the science behind the law of attraction and I’ve always known that I can choose the energy I want to play with – my spath knew my spiritual beliefs and was clever enough to get under my instincts and undermine my confidence but he is not solely to blame! I knew, I MEAN I REALLY KNEW on a level that things weren’t as they seem. My instincts were very finely tuned before the spath and they haven’t gone on vacation – I just learned to ignore them because I didn’t want it to be like that. I played right along with him and that is the part I played. I just need to trust my instincts when they’re triggered and know that I don’t need any proof, I’m hoping that this will put my life back on the track I’m supposed to be on, with the right person that would give ad much as me.
So Hanalei and not whathesaidofme, I think we are the better people!
Undertheradar, for all my bravado, like you, I know I will revert to my true open, giving self when the time comes too. I don’t know any other way to be, really, either. That is what makes us such awesome people and partners, right?
But I’m smarter now and hope that I will recognize red flags for what they are if I see them and be able to keep myself in safe and healthy relationships.
Hanalei
Amen to that!
On a lighter note – I think my cat is a sociopath!
1 – its always about him – I really mean ALWAYS!
2 – he discards me OFTEN and returns only when he wants something.
3 – I’m truly sucked into loving him regardless of this completely one sided relationship!
4 – I’m sure he’s lying about his love for me when he’s rubbing up against my legs and purring.
5 – my sister has confirmed that as soon as I leave the house he’s straight up the stairs and on her lap, we now refer to him as the lap slut!
6 – I’ve caught him waiting for the neighbors cat to come visit during the night = player!
7 – My Dr looked at the scratches on my arm and asked if I was harming myself, I said yes, via cat! Which brings me to the final fact…
8 – he’s a stalker! When you least expect it, he’s attached himself to you via claws.
All classic sociopathic behavior!
undertheradar
And just about the time you are thinking they just occupy the house, they don’t add to the house, they insist on sitting on your lap, purr at your slightest touch, and exude so much approval and sweetness that you are sure, this time, that there is a caring loving side to them afterall. 🙂
Notwhat
I know! Gets me every time 😉
Undertheradar, hmmmm”I bet he has that intense stare too, doesn’t he??
LOL
Hanalei
Yes, yes! Just before he attacks, but I’m onto him now! Had me sucked in for 10 years and I’d probably still be under his spell if it wasn’t for all the wonderful advice and information I’ve received from LF.
Double lol 😉
freedom15
don’t feel like an idiot!
we don’t know what they tell us ever, is true or not…
thats how they work it so we will fall for them…you know i am trying to convince myself, if they or anyone has to lie to tell a story, and we have that hunch they’re not telling the truth…back away…
i fell for it too at xmas thinking he was coming back to me and not happy with his wife…for a minute i thought “hmm ok well, maybe i will think about this”, he pulled the wool over my eyes, once again by not hearing back from him for a few weeks since he told me his isn’t happy without me…
janedoe
Oh the sadness in such thinking that that there’s anything okay with his chosing based on whether he’s happy with his wife? What kind of man picks a woman based on whether he’s happy or not? Happy is a fleeting feeling, fickle, and a consequence of the unreliable.
Did he leave you for her because he wasn’t “happy” with you? No. He left because he found a more lucrative target to scam, it’s the predictable behavior of a Predator, of a parasite. NOTHING you did caused him to leave you, and NOTHING she did caused him to be unhappy and call you. What kind of person did this? A sociopath. Simple as that.
I am so sorry Janedoe, that he has captured your heart like this. As lonely as it feels and as much as it hurts, his unfaithfulness really is, ultimately, a blessing for YOU.
NWHSOM
everything you say is so true and i know that, because of people like you who say these truths, i am so blessed for this site and the wonderful people who are so insightful..
i can say about 75 percent of the time i know he is rotten to the core…its just that 25 percent that has to be worked on to get to the 100%….i am so much better than 5-6 months ago though and i know i will get there…just that damn 25% haunts me from time to time
xoxo
janedoe
It’s a LOT to wrap our heads around!
B/c he seemed “nice” (not yelling or violent) and you haven’t seen all the ugliness and evil he is capable of, I worry that you will be vulnerable when he returns to use you as his escape pod. (that’s the mom in me, I am nurturing sort of woman.) I don’t want further duping for anyone with a heart. We know what they are capable of. (I suspect he has “sold” his US citizenship to a family who want to come to the US for whatever reason. It’s the only thing he had to give a 30 yr old woman.)
NWHSOM
i haven’t seen all his ugliness, no, thats because we didn’t live together, thank god! i know behind my back when we weren’t together, he was up to no good..i used to call him on it all the time. when together even i would find him sneaky, when i wasn’t looking or in the bathroom but of course i would let it go..
sometimes i too, worry, if he should get me when I’m feeling vulnerable, and i fall for his BS. right now i don’t think he will be around for a while so i have time to improve, so to speak.
yep i also agree about the US citizenship”often when we see a young foreign girl with a much older man, its the first thing that comes to mind”i say we are dead on, on this”it can’t be love, because he doesn’t know how
Hi Elsa, why does a sociopath come back? for many reasons one he needs supply & wants to have power & control over you.
Socioapths discard a vicitm because they have a new victim in their hooks but once that victim starts to get devalued the sociopath has been on the look out for a new victim and if they can not find a new victim then they will seek a old victim they know they can once again hook into their web of deception.
This is an excerpt from one of LoveFraud’s post on “gray rock” i moved the full post to the top of the left margin and stated “Elsa read this” so that it was quick for you to read.
“….A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn’t the type of boredom that normal people experience; it’s more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.
A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy….”
Elsa, in other words – they come back because there’s a payoff”your response. Think through your mind to the times he’s done this before – discarded you/given you the silent treatment and you took him back even though there was no apology and even no mention of what had happened. Payoff! He could treat you horribly and come back with no consequences – he knew he had that power over you. Payoff! Then he could continue to tell you how great it made him feel to see you experience life (puke) and keep the cycle going. Build you up again so you could fall even farther. They love to see the caring and wanting in our eyes when they could care less about us – I was there.
That is why no contact/grey rock is so important. No payoff.
I almost feel like I am the one with the problem………. He told me he wanted to back off, I clung on to the point where he had to get really mad and brutal to get rid of me!!!
The suddenness of it all is what did me in though! Not normal behaviour at all and when he turned and got angry he feels justified in treating me the way he has!
I take on board all you say about him coming back and, believe me, I don’t want that. If I see him I will try to avoid speaking to him at all. But I know he will then look on me with disdain and say to himself either ” she is being stupid” OR ” I knew I was right and she was too into me all along”
I think , like you have said, the word and concept of “friend” is not something he can grasp.
But hey…… I slept again, so that is positive!!! 🙂
elsa,
Look what you are saying to yourself. You’re excusing his behavior. Do you really think the ONLY choice, in a long list of what he could possible do, was to get really mad and brutal? As you said yourself, that’s not normal.
You aren’t “there” yet, but you will get “there”. The “there is… you are the real deal, the special one, the one who has a heart and feelings. That alone makes you worth more than every cold calloused and unfeeling jerk in the world. That is why YOU MATTER MORE. It’s what the world NEEDS.
YOU have it naturally so you don’t realize how valuable it is. BUT… HE KNOWS and HE HATES that it’s missing in him. That’s why you’re his target, and why he’s incapable of being anything but being an empty hearted abuser.
No, I meant that is how HE was thinking…….and justifying His own behaviour. I know it wasn’t normal.
A normal person would have treated me with compassion, recognised all the good things we had shared, valued what we had been to each other. And there was no reason to stop . It’s not like either of us was wanting an affair.
Right at the start of our “friendship” he said he “needed a friend” but nothing more.
He got one.
He just didn’t know anything about how friendships operate. And he wasn’t looking for a friend!!!
I have a very busy week ahead and am going away next weekend with a girlfriend, so hopefully the time will pass naturally . I just need to keep my head down and not see him!
A friend ( who knows about all of this) tells me I have not to go to ground as it should be him who goes to ground! She tells me to just carry on living my life around the small town I live in but I don’t think I am quite ready for that just yet.
Trying to trust my instincts ( which have been seriously flawed, I know)
Thanks!
sorry I was offbase elsa. I am glad to read that you know what normal behavior is. It took me a while to find myself again and realize that I was Normal, and he was the aberrant one! If I don’t see a post from you between now and next weekend, have a GREAT time! (I like good news!)
That’s ok NWHSOM . I probably didn’t express it very well. He has gotten me very confused but I am learning to recognise that I am not mad!! Lots of people have seen how HE was with me during the “good times”…… He was hardly running away, except privately in his own world.
I should have listened to him but those mixed messages……. “I wNt to see less of you”……… Two days later ” have you eaten , would you like to meet?” Etc kept me hooked in.
He has never once answered my questions about those mixed messages. I don’t expect he knows how to!!!
Elsa, here is a little bit of wisdom from Psychopath Free:
Anyone can be a target of a psychopath. ANYONE. Anyone can be duped. Anyone can be tricked into an abusive situation and not realize it until the damage is done. This is why Psychopath Free takes such a firm stance against any form of victim-blaming. Each psychopathic encounter is unique because each survivor is unique, and psychopaths alter their tactics accordingly. It is frightening to realize how subtle they can be, how effectively they can mirror and manipulate others, and how chameleon-like they are. However, these truths do not mean that you will be unable to protect yourself in the future. Once you have risen from the wreckage of your shattered heart and found ways to heal, you have a valuable shield: the knowledge that psychopaths exist and the understanding of what that means. And you also have YOU. Tuning in to your own unique self, your intuition, and your heart (despite the damage) will give you the ability to transform yourself for the better, in ways that feel right to YOU. You are your own best guide and source of protection.
From what you have said, it sounds like this person occupied a lot of your thoughts when you had a husband, a business to run and a life to live. This is a big red flag and one I had to learn for myself, when I looked around and found that I had neglected so much of what mattered in my own life because all I thought about was him. If you catch yourself lost in thought over and over about what someone meant, why they acted that way, and trying to figure out their motivation and not enjoying your own life, there is something wrong. Beyond that, a man that will tell a married woman that he loves seeing her live life, etc. has crossed a boundary and is disrespecting you, your husband and your marriage.
elsa
i understand all you are saying..i thought exactly “why would he come back”
i thought there was nothing left for him to return to”.i almost couldn’t believe it the day i saw his email because that meant, everything everyone said about a sociopath returning was true..he did come back”he promised me all sorts of promises and swore he will never hurt me like he did, he knew he was wrong and wanted to be together, but understood if i didn’t have the same feelings..
just like a pro and i fell for it”i told him i still cared for him because i am a normal person with emotions and i can’t dismiss someone who was in my life, although what he did was wrong”
we went back and forth for a day until the next day he wrote and apologized and took it all back”i haven’t heard since”a normal person does not do and say all these things and then take it all back, its actually quite humorous how dumb that was…
lots of theories here and i especially think wanting to find out how i felt for him and get his supply is the main theory”
so, they do come back, in some way. some people its further down the road and others its not as far”just be on guard…
Hi Elsa…you state: “…It is all so complicated!!!”
A sociopath’s behavior is actually very basic once you understand they do not care about anyone, they do not care if they are mean, cunning or manipulative they actually LOVE this behavior of theirs they get joy out of it. They hate nice people..they hate giving people. Why? because their brain literally does not function properly…it does not function in the empathy section (of their brain). They have a broken brain and they hate the fact that you feel and they dont.
So once you realize that there is good & evil in this world and the sociopath will never do good intentionally, that they only love to stir the pot and create chaos and love to control peoples minds (literally) then you can see they are quite simple in their mindset.
This is why it is important to follow the no contract rule. If you were in africa you would not venture out in the bush day or night because of the lions, you must have the same mindset walking in a city, now that you know about sociopaths and how evil they are do not alone one into your life because they will destroy you for fun. 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths…think about that every class you had in high school had a sociopath in the class…every time you go to a meeting and their are 25 people one of them is a sociopath…they are every where…throw in other disorders such as narcissist (1 in 5 people) you realize you must be EXTREMELY pick at who you let in your circle of friends…you must follow your gut instinct right from the get go. When someone makes an odd statement like this guy…listen to his words extremely carefully because he is telling you exactly who he is and why you should avoid him…he is telling to steer clear for good reason.
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” and watch their interview on listening to your gut…Gavin’s book is Gift of Fear (your library might have it) it’s a must read book for every woman on this dangerous planet.
Anette
You are so absolutely right. Liar, abuser, pervert, porn addict. That is what my ex is and will always be. There is no cure, no therapy, no medication. In my ex’s eyes he did not nothing wrong. That part of the brain just Ist not there. No compassion, empathy, being sorry.
Like I said my ex is not among the living. He can try however hard he wants to try. He will never be a part of this family again , he will never be a friend of mine, he will not gain any access into my life.
You cannot open the door just a little, because if you do, you”ll invite the devil back into your life. I will never let this happen . I worked too hard to be where I am today. I am free and I am at peace and no more crazy making. He brought out the worst in me for over 20 years. Those times are over.
The best advice I ever received is the no contact. As long as you are in any contact with them you will be playing their games. And winning their games is impossible.
jenna23
i don’t know if its true or not”
mine told me he grew up being sexually abused by his alcoholic mother and she raped him at an early age, making him do things to her sexually”
she then committed suicide and he found her”.
he told me this all at the beginning”i assumed then it was true and had pity for him
i would hope he told me the truth and it appears over the years of being with him, nothing showed me he didn’t lie about it”.
i have to wonder at times, are they THAT GOOD in telling these stories and never mixing up the truth? because thats pretty damn manipulative and lying and evil as well”there are so many meanings of how they are evil i can’t believe it!
good for you”three months”glad its becoming clearer, doesn’t mean the hurt goes away but we see more clearly
undertheradar
yeh i guess if our friends are not in the situation as we are, they don’t really understand and thats perhaps why yours forgot all he had done to YOU”not her???
how did you happen to take him to the doctor? did he ask you to take him?