UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Elsa..who cares what he thinks! Keep saying that statement to yourself. If you see him and you do not engage in a conversation with him (no contact rule) who cares what he thinks about your behavior you are doing the right thing by going no contact. He is nobody to you know that you are educating yourself on sociopathic behavior. Remember he wants to destroy you, your business, your family, your friendship…he wants to destroy everything you have…this is what sociopaths love to do…this guy is no different. Just look at how he treats his wife…he cheats on her over and over. He states he has a long trail of victims…believe his words as all sociopaths have a long trail of victims.
He has gotten into your brain with all of his mind games to control you. This is what society does not get…sociopaths manipulate people’s brains with mind control (brain washing) so that the victim is constantly trying to please the sociopath, the victim still is trying to get the praise from the sociopath even after they end the relationship. He has trained you like an animal gets trained with reward and punishment this is one part of the addiction that you have to break just like a drug/food/alcoholic has to break their addiction. He trained you to to please him then you would get his praise. This is one of the mind games a sociopath does to their victims others are gas lighting abuse, install fear & phobias etc. My ex h had everyone running around trying to please him because he was masterful at using “reward & punishment” technics on everyone from strangers, friends, to co workers, his own family, even police if he was pulled over for speeding. It was crazy watching it at the time I did not understand why we were all running around pleasing him and yet he never cared about making anyone else happy.
EVERYTHING a sociopath does is to control peoples minds. (remember this) He still has control over your mind. But hon you are making such great progress because you are venting & asking questions here so keep doing this. Keep reading everything on Lovefraud and the other sites I listed..you will have a light bulb moment soon and say “oh my gosh” is feel & see exactly what he did to control my brain to control me.
Gosh Jan7 you have summed it up so perfectly!
I’ve often thought of this story of how deeply my ex had controlled my mind:
The last time I saw him, I had been living in our new house on my own for a little over two months, and all I had done was work to make everything perfect for him. We had a 1/2 acre lot. He casually mentioned in passing that he had walked around the yard and noticed something that I had neglected to do, was going to mention it to me but had decided not to. My mouth opened to protest that I thought I had done everything possible in the yard and for him to tell me what he saw wrong and before I could get a word out, he said, nope, not gonna tell you, so don’t even ask. He said at first he was angry that it wasn’t done, but then realized that maybe it was too much for me. (Too much for me not in a caring way – in a “you can’t handle it all” way”he knew that would get me to jump like a trained animal.) Then he dropped it.
He spent the next day railing at me for my shortcomings and setting the stage for him to discard me and the following morning, continued to ream me all the way to the airport.
On the way home, I didn’t think about how horribly he had treated me, how I didn’t deserve any of it, or how sick to death I was of him, what I thought about was what could he possibly have found wrong with the yard. When I got home, I inspected it, figured out a few things I thought it might be and did those jobs. Yep. I did. It wasn’t until later that I realized he was probably just messing with my mind because he knew he could, and that he probably hadn’t even looked at the yard.
Hanalei
They do it to avoid detection, it’s called blame projecting.
One thing I know without question is that there was nothing wrong with the yard!
I have been working all afternoon on my project, looking for funding and preparing a bid. Maybe it is becaue I am tired ( brain dead) but, all of a sudden, I just want to reach out to him ……. STUPID!!! and I won’t do it. But oh, the longing is there for him to call me!!!
I know I am tired and I will fight through it!
I won’t ever trust him again!!!
He has got into my head. I don’t want to see him in that chance encounter that I know will happen one day. Whenever it happens it will be too soon!
I don’t yet understand any of it becasue all I can see is that HE is mad at ME and feeling relieved that I have disappeared of HIS radar. He doesn’t know yet that I have disappeared off his!!!
His assertion that he would “always tell me straight if he didn’t want to see me” …….. Well, why didn’t he? Why did he decide almost overnight???
Good grief, he is joke!!!
His poor wife! I always did sympathise with her and never felt I was doing anything behind her back. I was always out in a crowd with him, in a local pub. But the connection did happen in the background of our visible profile. Through text etc. His words of encouragement and through the shared sense of humour!
His wife once did say to me ” I know he is all hail fellow well met when he is out and about”. ( English saying, meaning he had a public persona of being fun, happy etc) but she said ” but he treats us terribly, he is grumpy and we are all sick of trying to keep him in a good mood, it is exhausting”
At the time, I thought that was becasue he felt like he was on the scrap heap, having taken early retirement from his job and being home alone all day while she was out at work or pursuing her own interests.
But, you know what? After telling me for two years that their marriage was finished and he was off to live in Thailand etc, now he has decided that he wants to make another go of it with his wife. Well, as I said to him at the time he told me that, I was pleased about that ( for him and her)
So, maybe she is his next ( if continuing) victim.
I have been stupid regarding my marriage. Someone asked me if I had a life change experience before all of this. Well, my best friend died of cancer aged 37. I also found myslef out of work for the first time in over x20 years but at the same time, on the verge of being able to develop a fantastic project. And along he comes , telling me how great it was, how much he wanted to help.
Yeah, I knew of him but I didn’t KNOW him!! I do now!!! god help me!,
Elsa! The feeling you are having of wanting to call him, or for him to call you is mostly habit. Kind of like a smoker taking cigarette breaks, when they quit smoking it will take awhile to reprogram that habit of wanting to smoke at a certain time. Or like mindlessly reaching for chips when you’re bored.
Find something else to do when you get that feeling – take a short walk, wash your face, play with your pet if you have one, call your husband just to say hi (I like this one)!
I think you’re doing great!
thanks. I don’t quite share your view that I am doing great!! But I appreciate it, and all the support!
just feeling very sad about it all!!! x
Elsa, if you are researching funding options and writing proposals, trust me, you are doing well! We never give ourselves enough credit.
Sad is ok. Sad is normal!
elsa
I confess that when I first left him, sometimes I would contact my abuser because of the hook he used to capture me in the beginning. I was struggling and he offered validation. As a child of abusers, I never received validation. It was like nirvana to me to hear that I was good at anything. So, if I was working on something and those old doubts came up, sometimes I’d reach out to him to see if he’d give me a pat on the head. But… since he knew what he gave me, he also knew how to cut me to the core. By pointing out that ultimately I was a loser, incompetent, a failure, a fool. And THAT was how I learned to NEVER call him if I was in a low moment.
Like HanaleiMoon says, I learned to do something that helped me get past that feeling of wanting to contact him by getting 1) taking a walk 2) coming here! 3)taking a bath with music 4) get a foot massage… etc.
Hi Elsa….listen to his wife’s description of him..she knows exactly who he is, she knows him the best…like she stated he is a different person outside the house but his core is mean & grumpy inside.
I am truly sorry to hear about your best friend. So young, very sad & heart wrenching to loose your best friend. And your job too…those are big life changes and the the moments that a sociopath can see a new target is vulnerable. This evil guy target you because you had your guard down because you were focused on your losses. Sociopaths instinctively move in, this is also a time that a cult can manipulate a victim into their cult. The good news is now you can recognize when you have a life change or set back that you must keep your guard up with new people.
I just want to say that if it hadn’t been for this site I don’t know where I would be right now! I cant thank you enough for all your support
I am so grateful that, in spite of my stupidness in falling for this guy, that I never had any aspirations that we had any kind of a future but, in some ways, that is harder because , as I kept trying to say to him, we were meant to be FRIENDS!!! I know now he has no concept of what that means, that he was never my friend! Just a user!!
Elsa, this site has been a true blessing for all of us…out of Donna’s darkest days she had the will & fortitude to create this wonderful site & to write her books. Hundreds of thousands of victims have found their way to lovefraud…and each victim has been lifted up by others/Donna & each victim turns around and lifts the newest victims of sociopaths ups…so powerful to think the positive ripple of effect of good people. Puts a smile on your face.
I am so glad that you found your way to Lovefraud & equally proud of you for having the courage to tell us your story & to ask questions. This is really a positive step in your healing process & incredible brave of you to step out of your comfort zone to ask for help. You should be so proud of yourself Elsa.
I am glad you get that he “was never my friend, just a user!!”….Hon, you get it!!! You are taking your power back!!
HanaleiMoon, your story is a classic example of how they control our brains. The fact is your yard was perfect if a normal person walked around your yard they would say “WOW look at how beautiful your yard is, you work so hard” not a sociopath he gets a kick out of people running around thinking things are not perfect. They are sooooooooooo sick and twisted.
My ex h would make a point at the fact that I cooked something in the microwave to long…it was always too long…the only thing I cooked in the microwave was tea water and or reheat left overs. In his mind I always overheated the item. He also would point out the fact their was soap suds on the dishes I had washed…I would just laugh it off back then…but I now realize by educating my self it was all to force me to do things perfectly even tea water in the microwave.
I think it is easy for a sociopath to do these mind games because we are raised to keep trying till we master something…ie tying our shoe laces, cleaning our rooms, studying on times table etc so the behavior of wanting to do good (wanting to please our parents) is in our mind some where and the sociopath just exploits this on a whole new crazy level.
Thanks for sharing your story.
jenna23, yep, nothing was ever right and I don’t know about yours, but my ex never did anything even close to the standard that he expected from me. To be honest, my ex was a pig.
The funny thing was, he had a housekeeper who came weekly and did a HORRIBLE job. She did the laundry most of the time and she ruined every sheet and towel he had. She left the floors filthy. One time there was a nickel on the floor by the bathroom door and for kicks I left it there to see how long it would stay and it was there three consecutive weeks before I finally gave up and picked it up. I tried pointing all this out to him and he excused her for everything. I finally gave up, because it made me feel like I was competing with her. I have always wondered if he was sleeping with her.
Jan7, you are so right about what a normal person would say about the yard!
I was raised to value and take care of my things, and right off the bat I noticed that my ex didn’t value or take care of anything he had. It was a HUGE red flag that I didn’t recognize for what it was.
HanaleiMoon, just before I escaped my ex h I thought to myself “he is brain washing me”….it was an ahhh haaa moment for sure. After I left I found a counselor who was extremely knowledgeable with narcissistic abuse (even though I did not know he was at the time just luck that I found my way to this particular counselor) she told me that I was married to a sociopath…I asked her if he brain washed me as that is how I felt….she said YES!!! straight away no hesitation in her voice. So I went home and googled brain washing…which lead me to Steven Hassan’s book(s) and his site.
His book is a must read it’s call Freedom of Mind it explains how the sociopath brain wash/mind control and that my ex h was a cult leader without a large following nevertheless he was a cult leader. Other type sociopaths are Dictator, pimp, child molester, cult leader, human trafficker, drug deal, domestic abusers etc..scary world. Hassan has been on Larry King Live, CNN, FOX News, 60 minutes etc his site is freedomofmindresourcecenter. com watch his video(s) on his site.
It’s every important never to let a cruel person to get in your mind. And to flush out all the mind games the put into our brain.
Jan7
How I interesting. My ex also always pointed out any flaws or accused of cooking something wrong. The rice is not cooked right, you are this and this. I was a housewife for over 20 years and I knew how to cook. It is satan who thrives on your weaknesses. Satan loved to point out anything that could question your self worth. No cobtact is the only way to go.
Right before I was discarded I had this moment also that he was trying to make me think that I am totally crazy. He would say things and then turn around and say “I never said that”. Even though my son heard him saying it. He wanted to instill fear, confusion and doubt into me. It was really like brain washing. He wanted me to get anti depressants which my doctor refused to give to me as I was not depressed. He wanted to create a trail so he can declare me insane. How evil is that ? And now I receive letters in the mail “I do not appreciate being ignored”. He must have totally lost it. I will never undo my 19 months of no contact. He can just run to his little minions and cry. They hate losing control. It’s something they feed of 24 hrs a day. Control , sex and power. I took his ego kibbles away. I fed him those “kibbles” for over 20 years. The minions can take over now.
sometimes i have great days and nothing bothers me and then a day like today, kind of slow and not much happening and i start to imagine with my N, all over again, where is he, why not responding to our last conversation which was so important to tell me i was the love of his life and then gone like the wind…i keep replaying it over and over..how and why did i not see what he was doing and let me get this far into being manipulated and brainwashed…i start missing the “not real” him and reminiscing and have to convince myself of the crap that was there that i ignored that were signs…
i can recall and i relate it to why he isn’t responding, when we were not together we would email, talk, text all day, throughout the day..this was all his doing and i followed along and of course “in love”
after a period of time he said to me “would it be so bad if we communicated every other day instead of each day?”..at the time thinking..no way, why would two people do that, i told him and he agreed but warned that remembering each day to make sure to contact me could slip his mind time to time because he was so bogged down with writing his thesis…i was a bit upset but kind of understood…
it wasn’t the thesis that was his issue…it was all the women he had to contact through the day and different personalities that he portrayed, that kept him occupied..
basically it all comes down to not needing me when he had other “supply” available, such as right now. only thinking of me when he had some “down time” like he did at xmas..maybe his newly married wife was out, or working, or they had an argument…he felt the need to express his fake love at that moment and then disappear for the past month, not curious to what I’ve written in respsponse when he wrote at xmas after four months of NC and taking it all back the very next day..what a f***ed up mind..just wanting to vent today…thanks all i feel better 🙂
hi Jane
Am glad you feel better. I know that writing helped me to get the circular thoughts out of my head.
Just to make sure to have a response so you can cut the circle… You know the why he stopped responding as you used to… he was cycling through the phases of lovebombing, and they never go back to phase one. And of course, once he had you hooked and wanting him, he didn’t need to continue that fake part. He went on to other phases of his fraud.
(shaking my head at what a poopiebutt he is) … and yes, poopiebutt is the nice word, not the actual word that I am thinking.
NWHSOM
Im so using “poopiebutt” what a great word to replace the one we’re both really thinking! Lol
NWHSOM
you are right, i know why its all stopped…i guess i am very OCD when it comes to this…looking for constant reassurance i suppose.
it just amazes me that a person can be so stupid to think we don’t catch on at this point…
does he seriously think i am going to believe him when he eventually writes back and says :
hi honey, sorry i haven’t written, i am very caught up in my feelings for you and her, and i don’t want to hurt neither of you…etc…
what he says in each email btw, is so textbook, i can predict each and every sentence he writes by memory
what does he think my response would be? ” oh ok, thats fine i understand?”
i just want him to write one time so i can tell him you are
-a narc
-a sociopath
-psychotic a**hole
and believe me he wouldn’t even respond to these insults UNLESS he needs me. he rarely defends accusations, because looking on the past behaviour, he would only respond to my negative questions when he needed me…then all the questions were answered with long responses. otherwise when i have mentioned things to him as to
‘why this or why do you that,” if he didn’t need me, those emails or questions go unanswered…
i am starting to put two and two together suddenly after his latest episode at xmas
he must really think he is brilliant…
ps i used to say poopiedot as a kid…but poopiebutt is much more grown up and sophisticated lolol thanks for the laugh!!!
Janedoe
Vent away toots! I come here for the same reason, as does most and the others give us great advice.
At the moment I’m too raw, still falling apart from the hurt as I extricate myself from the emotional bond – I might have left 6 months ago but had a part to play for most of it and that kept me responding to his advances, then I finally made a full week with NC and the spath had a suspected stroke and no one close enough to help/care so I fixed that and I’m now trying the NC again. I actually wonder if I’m a little bit sociopathic?… I’m the one trying to get rid of him while he’s doing the woe is me and trying to win me back – either way I look like a fool but…
I wish I had all the answers, for all of us but I don’t but Hanalei, Annette, Joyce or Kaya will and they always make us see the truth and feel better for it 🙂
undertheradar
Sorry, jumping in here but feel impelled to reply…
NO. Just the act of introspection negates that you are even a tiny bit.
And another NO. You don’t look like a fool. Getting rid of him is warrior woman work. He IS woeful, but that’s his hook to get others to serve him, to be responsible for him. As a caring, empathic person, you are drawn to relieve pain.
But his character puts him on HIS path, he chooses that path. You have your own journey, and your path does not include sacrificing your lifeblood to be the source for a parasitic soulsucking vampire.
Your path is to connect with an emotionally healthy person who can RECIPROCATE connection/love/respect/dedication with you.
undertheradar
so after 6 months you finally got the chance of NC and it was broken due to his health…
i wonder why nobody close enough but you, cared?
i somehow don’t think you are the sociopath because you wouldn’t question it if you were…you wouldn’t care about his well being because you have empathy
you’re not a fool….but what happened to him? stroke or he is ok?
Janedoe
I wondered the same thing but realised it’s because his friendships are superficial, his children were given everything and never taught to care for him, he was the big tough man that didn’t need anyone so they’ve got a trained response to him of “he’ll be alright” – but I doubt he even called them…
Another possible scenario is that he was faking it to get my attention and if true, did a fantastic job On both me and the Dr? He was remarkably well within a few days and the Dr had diagnosed a inner ear infection and told him it could take a month to repair and to stay home, doing nothing for at least a week until the tablets kicked in and he got his balance back – he was out driving around 2 days later and hasn’t stopped since? Conned again?…
Under,
You may or may not have been conned this time, but you know that he is capable of it.
If he did con you, it could be he just wants to know that he can still control and manipulate you. It’s also possible that he may try to harm you, if he thinks that it will benefit him and that he can get away with it. Be careful being in proximity to him where he could poison you or infect you with something or you could have an ‘accident’ of some kind. You are able and willing to suspend your negative feelings about what he has done to you when he is sick, but spaths never stop being spaths. They don’t always harm people, but they are capable of it if it will work in their favor.
I don’t go anywhere near where my ex psychopath and I do what I can to protect myself from the possibility that he will come to where I live.
Annette
When it comes to the spath I need to think before I act! While I know that being authentic is a gift for me (now, I’d rather be me than deceptive) I just can’t do anything from my natural response before assessing the situation.
I’m aware of his sinister side and that he could turn psychopath in a heartbeat, this is why I’ve got a thumping heartbeat in my ear. The day is coming that he’ll find out how I helped with the investigation and his fear of being exposed could turn him into a killer?
I’m ready to run and set up to find out before him so I’ll be given notice – I’m really scared but I’m also prepared! If you don’t hear from me, one day soon, for a while, it’s because I’ve gone bush To protect myself and my daughter.
This is not the life I signed up for!
Under,
I believe they are all potential killers if it suits them because they do not have the restraining factors that prevent the rest of us from harming others – it is difficult for us to harm even in self defense or defense of a loved one – both physical and emotional harm. Normal people do harm others, but it is because of mistakes and misunderstandings and lack of knowledge. We are sorry when others are harmed.
He is a psychopath regardless of whether he’s acting as one at any given time. The potential for any kind of behavior is always there; what a spath does at any given time is what he thinks will work best to get what he wants without being caught. If being nice will work, he’ll be nice. If torture will work, he’ll torture.
It’s not the life you signed up for, and no one deserves to be mistreated and wronged. Sadly, it’s the way the world is at this time.
I could never resist my ex psychopath’s manipulations. No matter how much I knew and vowed not to act out, I always failed to resist acting from my natural response. No contact was the only way for me to stop reacting to him. Our natural responses work very well when relating with normal people. I hope your situation comes to a conclusion soon so you can be free of having to deal with him. Interacting with them in any way is so unhealthy for us.
Annette
You and everyone on here have kept my spirits high and feeling sane more than crazy which is better than feeling alone 🙂
I’m still trying to remain optimistic as much as possible but not knowing if he’ll turn is a scary thought – I truly doubt he could handle being known as a pedophile for the rest of his life as his image was his most important asset to himself – the mask is coming off! Let’s hope that if he decides to do something crazy, he doesn’t think to take my daughter and I along with him…
undertheradar
oh boy…he went from thinking he had a stroke to an ear infection…
he IS out of his mind…knowing nobody would care enough to take him, but you probably.
stick to that NC…next time let him walk!!!
Janedoe
Haha! Next time it will be an ambulance because he’ll probably have a stroke when he finds out how I unmasked him and shared the information with the detectives 😉
Under,
That sounds potentially dangerous for you if he will find out that you have exposed him.
Annette
Yes it’s dangerous but I didn’t have a choice. I needed to show loyalty to my daughter and back her up, be on her side for once or I’d lose her to his destruction. The P was all about his actions not backing up his words so I need to guide my daughter by my actions that what he did was wrong but you can have the strength to face your fears and become the person that says no – this I’m hoping will allow her to choose a better way to think about herself, the right way and stop blaming herself for what took place. If I expose him as crazy then she’ll know she isn’t, which is what she felt for 14 years…
Under,
I totally think you did the right thing in exposing him; hopefully the criminal charges and prosecution will get a harmful criminal off the streets for awhile. I understand how it relates to your daughter and how it may help her.
I just consider the possibility that he could try to harm you when he finds out. Not that he definitely would, but it’s possible. It’s also possible he will focus on his lying campaign to get out of it. If you’re not going to be testifying or providing more info that he would want to silence you, he may not care what happens to you one way or the other. Spaths have such an absence of emotion that if you don’t pose a future threat to him, he may not be dangerous to you.
Annette
I’m hearing ya!
We have an escape plan if things go pear shaped. As I see it and based on my knowledge of this man and how he responds to situations, he could get angry enough to take us out on his way out or he’ll play the sympathy card and make me look like I drove him to it – along with all the other victims that would never get to prove his guilt. Either way I seriously doubt he’ll allow himself to live a life with the reputation he’d have after a court case and possible prison term?…
The fact that I kept the carrot of winning me back dangling for 6 months of the investigation gives me chills, it’s not me to lead someone on and made me feel guilty and sorry for him – I helped paint him into the corner and revenge isn’t my strong suit.
NWHSOM
I’m wondering where all these other victims are when he needs someone?His mate said he didn’t know what to do to help him, when he couldn’t stand without vomiting and was falling over, so I did the “mother” thing I’ve always seen myself as ahimwent in for the big rescue…crazy!
I need distance, I need out and away from him and I need it now! How can he suck me back into being his protector so easily? How does the universe think this is going to be the best course of action and keep throwing us back together? The mind boggles…
Even as I write this I’m wondering how he’s going to handle the next lot of dramas, that he caused, without anyone? I can’t be there for the next one and that day is approaching rapidly. He’s painted himself into a corner that’s going to expose his true character and I feel sorry for him – WTF?
undertheradar
i too, when with mine, used to run to all his demands…
the most ridiculous thing happened one time, and talk about being stupid??? yeh…me…i was sooo stupid
he went away on a “mission” he used to call them, very confidential and no information was given to me. one time i get a phone call and he had been robbed and needed to leave the country where he was assigned…could i book a flight home for him…
-so…if he had been robbed, why did he give me the credit card number to book his return flight home?
-if he had been robbed, why could the people who confidentially hired him, send him home, as he was working for them, i was led to believe
-also he claims he was robbed by pirates!!! do they even exist?
my point…even the most dramatic story (and his ALWAYS were so crazy) i fell for AND i was there regardless…now looking back i figured out the story…he was not robbed by pirates or away on a secret mission, he probably hooked up with some girl in a faraway place on the computer and went to meet her, didn’t like her or there was something wrong when they met and he needed to get the hell out of there…this was a regular thing for him to search out women in far away places, mostly poor places, and meet them…thats how he recently married the girl he is with now…
i am sorry if i repeat myself, i am not sure who i have explained what to anymore!!
i, like you, say WTF!!! wow what a scam artist
Janedoe
Yes, Pirates do exit but with all I’ve learned I’d have to say there might just be another possible answer to why he manufactured this story…
My spath was a “tactical” Policeman. He was able to convince a very young girl that he was a Fed based in another country (among other BS) just so she didn’t expect him to be there all the time. I think your spath needed to keep the illusion alive, maybe he caught onto your suspicions or confusion regarding something he’d said so he manufactured this drama, knowing you’d go into rescue mode, all so he could avoid detection? Sad thing is that the lies get bigger, we get more confused because it doesn’t make sense, but our compassion has been triggered so we’re to busy in conflict with ourselves to see through the manipulation – until we Do!
You are not alone in your frustration. I sometimes want to shout the truth to him while he’s wearing a gag, just to get it through his thick head that his stories don’t make sense – but I won’t! I’m not fixing him for someone else, I’m not going to make it so easy for him to con another person by giving him the tools to know how to lead someone on successfully – this is all he ever gets from a conversation with me, how to hide the truth better because I’ve usually told him how I’ve seen through it…
My experience with my ex spath was that trying to tell him reality and the truth – trying to fix him in that way – was pointless, because he already knew (though he pretended to be clueless in various ways to justify his evil choices) anything I could ever tell him, even if he was gagged so that he would hear me. He did enjoy me trying to do the impossible – to explain right & wrong, truth, and reality to him.
If they wanted to be fixed, if you were able to fix him for someone else, he would be fixed by now for your relationship with them.
He probably still enjoys what he gets from a conversation with you, because they like to see victims sad, frustrated, hurt, and focused on them, while they feel the power of being puppet master.
Annette
Yes, he does but I’m only just getting it through my thick head!
Under,
Even though this and other concepts are in my head, it’s such a lifetime habit to relate to normal people in normal ways, it doesn’t really sink in and I still find my self thinking about my ex P unrealistically too kindly as though he’s normal.
Annette
That is strange to me. I sometimes catch myself thinking about him as normal as well and it takes a while before I catch myself to remind me of who he really is. I think your (and everyone’s) advice to go NC is the only way to keep his crazy multiple personalities out of my head 😉
undertheradar
i have read that S needs stimulation, they get bored very quickly if they are not moving and are stuck in one place…makes sense because mine wanted to go everywhere to travel or just “live” somewhere and see where he ends up..they need excitement
when i first met mine he had a list of “careers” that he had done..i always wondered how someone could have so many careers in life…he immediately told me he worked with the CIA (which i don’t think they should be bragging about that if they are) and was often sent on his missions…when i first met him i was so excited about this and all my friends looked at me as though i was so dumb. i tried my hardest to convince them he was telling me the truth…well thinking back he most probably used the fact that was employed by them, so he could get away to do things HE wanted, such as meeting women and telling me he was working..but he played it smart, managing to keep in touch with me while he was away, because if he were working, there should be no reason not to call, right?
he was always concocting stupid stories about his whereabouts and you’d wonder “why would a 60 year old do these things”
i know this is off topic but ii often wonder as well, if he has two personalities when speaking to me. one day he would be as though i were the only woman who mattered and the next day if we had a similar conversation it would be like he never said any of the things he said the previous day…and if i brought it up about something he said, i would have to ask him numerous times before i got an answer, and it was always different than the day before and like he never said it..to me, that showed me when he was “into” me or not that day, just by his answers…if they were sweet answers he loved me, if they were evasive, then i knew something or someone else was on his mind and couldn’t be bothered…
Janedoe
I learned that when he was into me that no one else was around. When he was evasive or called me mate over the phone then he was with someone else, despite the fact that when I called him on it he was in “work mode” and that’s how he talked at work… BS!
And OMG the amount of sieges this guy got stuck at that never made the news! Don’t even get me started!!!
It is very likely he was never associated with the CIA – that it was a lie to cover his cheating.
He probably doesn’t have two personalities; it is most likely that he used different tactics to manipulate and exploit you. What you describe is not relating – it is abuse.
undertheradar
i hope you are not in danger? you need to make sure you know you will be safe and away from this monster!!
please keep in touch as much as possible..when do you figure this is happening, so we can be aware and pray for your safety?
Thanks Janedoe! I’ll log in and let you all know if I’m going to ground. I am sure that I’ll be ok because I always land on my feet because I’ve never doubted that God doesn’t have my back.
Undertheradar, WTF indeed. I don’t think the Universe is intervening. I think he had a health crisis, there was no one else there for him, and you did what needed to be done. Honestly? I am pretty sure I would have done the same thing. We are caring, compassionate human beings.
I think you have your head on straight and now that you’ve gotten him through the initial deal, you can, and will, step away. You don’t have to be his protector. You responded in an emergency. That is it. You have no obligation to go any further.
One things we soft souls need to get used to is letting go of how others are going to handle the next lot of dramas – they are not ours to handle. It’s not your concern that he has no one. One thing I know for sure, is that even without you, he will figure it out. You might let his friend know that you helped this time and that he shouldn’t call you in the future, and make sure he knows you mean it.
I think you know what’s what, and now all you have to do is keep your focus in the right place, on moving forward and letting him fade into the past. 🙂
Hanalei
I stepped away as soon as I discovered he was driving again. He did ask if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach and I said no, that he was alright and didn’t need me anymore – fingers crossed for the next phase…
Definitely a good move not to take a walk on the beach with a spath.
The last time my ex P contacted me wanting to meet with me he suggested a secluded place. I agreed to meet him, but right by the front door of a busy store at a shopping center in the middle of the day. I’m not necessarily sure he would try to harm me, but I am aware that, given his motives in life, he would be much better off if I didn’t exist; and I know for certain that beyond getting caught nothing stops him from anything.
Yes Annette, they are capable of anything and I don’t trust him at all. I think I’ll stay well clear of the spath no matter what and leave the settlement of assets to the lawyer.
I like your statement. Our path should be finding a compassionate , caring, loving partner. While being married to my ex I truly thought his behavior to be “normal “. I knew feel down inside that it wasn’t anything but normal , mainly from other relationships before I met him. Still somehow I made excuses and I was trying to accept this for as long as I was with him. I truly believe he brainwashed me. I begged him to come back after the discard, I applogized for his cheating on me. Today I cannot believe that I did that. That he had so much power and control over me. My own person disappeared. There was nothing true about myself anymore. For over 20 years I formed myself into one of his minions.
Almost 2 years now since I was thrown away one evening. I had no idea this was coming. After a day at the beach I discovered more lies. And that was it. He was waiting for that moment he had planned for. Because I was so emotional upset he could use that to his reason to leave. He was not man enough to finally come clean. He needed a victim to blame and the timing was perfect. He declared me mentally ill and gone he was. I questioned myself many weeks if he was right. Until the new minion posted pictures of their cruise on facebook. That was like a wake up moment.
He honestly think their lies are like snowballs rolling down a hill collecting more snow, getting bigger and bigger. In the end he believed his own lies.
I am out of his control now. And does it ever bother him. No pity from me. He will never draw me into his drama games again. Maybe the new minion saw his true self and discarded him. Who knows. I am free of him , the best thing that ever happened to me.
Jane doe
I used to have bad days, no more. With time somehow these days go away. I dobg even remember any goid times with him. He demonized the entire 20 plus years and in truth there were no happy times. I thought there were but I wanted it to be happy.
Now, I can leave church after a so powerful sermon , I can see the blue sky and the sunshine , the light and I can thank God to guide me through this nightmare. And I can smile and be happy. I have myself back.
kaya
you are such a good person, why anyone would want to do that to such a kind caring soul, is the devil and deserves nothing more than to go to hell…
you have pulled through and are an inspiration to not only us on here, but your son as well, you are his guardian angel and hero 🙂 good for you xx
janedoe
There are several answers to your “why anyone would do that to such a kind caring soul”…
One of the characteristics of sociopaths is envy.
Good, caring, kind souls are a target of sociopaths because the ENVY that which they can never be. Their rage is to destroy the wellbeing of that good person so that they can “WIN”.
You are so right about Kaya48, she’s an inspiration of what a kind caring soul is, and what’s also good… so is her son.
Kaya
I look back on a time that I begged for forgiveness to get him back. I was so much smaller than him, as in not good enough, he was this all powerful and perfect human being and I was so scared to put a foot wrong that I made myself a lesser person.
I cringe now at the memory of that time and wonder why I never trusted my instincts as I was to find out that I was a better person… OMG shaking head!
Thank you Jane doe
For your kind words. I think your ex’s missions were all lies. That’s what they are liars. My ex used to lie straight in my face and I was not able to tell. I remember asking him
“Why are there naked pictures of you on the computer? ” his answer “I don’t know “. I believed it. They are like vampires. They suck all our ability for rational thinking out of us. We are like that girl in twilight. We can’t stay away from them. To a certain extend. I think they eventually will cross a line and we will wake up. For me it was the discard. For you maybe the fact that he married that young girl.
To complicated to figure them out. That’s why I will stay no contact. Nothing good would come ouf if I didn’t.