UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I got this in my email today—I think Im going to try doing this. I try and notice calming things or things that just make me happy…thruout the days. Sometimes its just that i MADE IT THRU the day lol
“Here’s a powerful way to turn the corner on feelings of stress and overwhelm – and start feeling happier and more positive – in 5 minutes or less.
It’s called What Went Well.
This simple exercise only takes 5 minutes – and when practiced for just one week, it has been shown to improve happiness up to 6 months later!
Jo Ilfeld PhD, shared it with me because there’s robust research behind it. Since Jo and I are both working moms, we really appreciate how fast this practice accelerates your hormonal reset.
She calls it a ‘happiness intervention,’ and it has its roots in Professor Martin Seligman’s work, the father of Positive Psychology, who can be found at the University of Pennsylvania.
Here are the 2 steps:
1. At the end of today, when you’re ready to go to bed, sit down with your journal. Write down 3 things that *went well* during your day and why. You might write that you had a nice visit with a girlfriend, or that you had fun singing the latest Macklemore song with your kid. Or the sun came out and you noticed how good it felt on your body. (Takes about 5 minutes.)
2. Repeat this every night for one week. (Total investment: 35 minutes)
That’s it. Easy, right?
Here’s the cool part: the data from Professor Seligman show that when you do this 5 minute practice for one week, it raises your happiness levels. And that happiness stays with you — people in his study were still happier 6 months later!”
It’s a good b4-bed intervention I think 🙂
Aint, read a book 10 years ago called “The Luck Factor” sounds similar ideas
This is a great idea, ain’t! I was focusing on some negativity some people threw at me this weekend, and I’ve been letting it bother me. I’m going to change the channel just because I read your post. Thank you so very much! Here are my 3 things:
1. Got a great hour and a half Zumba workout today.
2. Spent some enjoyable time with friend Jay at the pool.
3. Made a healthy dinner tonight of shish kabobs and salad and shared with friend Jay.
I am going to try this exercise every day for a week and see what happens. Usually, I’m pretty upbeat, but I’m stressing over the closing on my new condo, and just letting a lot of things get to me. Has not been a fun weekend in spite of the pleasant things.
Yeah my things are all going to be, the sun felt good on my face… as nothing goes well for me lol
But it’s about getting my hormones back on track so I can heal. I’ll do anything to get this wgt off!!!
And hey maybe one day a month sumthing will be nice 🙂
Years ago I actually shared something similar with my mother for her to do. I’m so glad you shared this, what a great reminder and something that I need to implement! Thank you so much, I have a perfect pretty journal too to do it in:)
Bally
Your comment brought tears into my eyes. Thank you for complimenting me as a good mother. I sorry to hear about your childhood. Wow. I can’t describe how much respect I have for you. And how you went on with your life. One thing I always made sure was that I protect my only child from his abuse. While he was in the army it was very easy to do because he was mostly gone on deployments. Also the fear of me turning him into his command kept him “in line”. After he retired and became a cop it all changed.
So yes I take it as a blessing that he met those irresistible minions. They saved my life.
And of course he will treat them worse. One comment was “he knows that they are wh..,,and only good for sex. Nothing more.
I will continue to provide my son with one loving, stable parent who will always support his dreams and education. We don’t need Cpt America anymore 🙂
Thank you all for listening to me. I feel like we all shared the same husband/boyfriend.
Thank you I am just trying to get through each day thank you Bally and Ain’t everyone who gives me advice. I should be at a stage on anger by now but still stuck in disbelief
Tara-
I was an ICU/Trauma nurse for twenty years and dealt a lot with grief. You are grieving the death of a relationship, the hopes and dreams you had. They are dead, poof, gone. You are going to experience the stages of grief but it is fluid, it isn’t going from one stage to the next, you will go back and forth. Then one day without thinking about it you will realize that you have overcome. Read about grief, even grief in relationships as well as educating yourself. But as I have said myself here and I have said to others, you must ride those waves of grief, let them come, get through them. Just like one post said, like an unwelcome guest in your home. Grief support groups can help, the human emotions are the same that one experiences with loss. The important thing, you must go swim through it, ride the waves, and soon you will reach the other side.
I still vacillate between shock, disbelief to hurt, anger. But I can honestly say I am at a point where I am so thankful the he made the decision that I didn’t have the power to make. You too will get there
Taralav, don’t time your recovery, let it happen. At the moment I can feel you are like a pendulum swinging back and forth from shock, denial, anger and depression. This happens to a lot of us, we don’t just go though one stage in isolation. When depression comes then think of it as an unwelcome guest in your home that you must sit with until they decide to leave. The point is you must go through depression to recover. That is why medication can help.
Also reading about psychopathy will naturally push you through recovery at a faster pace. I say naturally as you will not be forcing it, it will just happen faster.
Bally
I just think that I should not be here still..in this frozen place. Where I pace, I just have no idea what to do anymore. He cheated on me. lied for years, and trashed me and my son. There should be no reason I am upset. yet I am. If he came to my front door and wanted to talk, honestly I probably would. That is sick. that is something wrong with ME.
he has made me feel so worthless the way he was cheating..my god he started this new job in the fall and day 1 told everyone he was a single dad! he never claimed to be with me..after 6 years? he was putting himself out there and I don’t know why. he says because I did this..or this..or anything he can think of. He said everytime we would argue I turned it into world war 3. because he would LIE..a person can only take so much lying. I am reading a lot like you suggested. I still do not understand how hes ok with what he has done. like I did not share a home kids and life with him.
he does not care anymore. or he never did. and im just so frozen In one place.
You will get past this, try to be patient. Consider that you probably have symptoms of PTSD, and you are probably in shock. PTSD is a normal response to abnormal behaviors toward you. You have been abused and betrayed very badly, and your response is normal. No one should ever experience what we victims of Psychopaths experienced.
What happened to you was not your fault. The good traits you have are right and work very well when you relate to normal nice people. The nature of evil is deception, lies, appearing as good, and doing harm to others.
I am so sorry for your pain, disbelief and shock. I felt that way at one time and it was close to unbearable. I got through it, I feel ok now; and you will too.
Take care of yourself. The way he treated you has nothing to do with you, it’s who he is. People who love you and care about you know who you really are.
Taralav, perhaps you are also in denial he is a psychopath/sociopath. That is why reading can help. Once you acknowledge they are a Spath, then nothing shocks you as you know that is their typical behaviours. Predicted and to be expected. For example, they are always looking to upgrade their current relationship, looking for someone “better”. And they can do that because they are incapable of forming emotional bonds with their current partners. So in your case, that is the reason he told others he is a single dad. Predicted and to be expected.
Do please consider some meds, they only put you a bit more back to normal…..your oxytocin levels are craving their addiction (him) but it is harmful to crave an abusive man.
Doctor today for you is your first action. Then take a med and a nice walk at lunchtime or when you can. Then reading on psychopathy, start with the articles on psychopathy awareness website by Claudia Moscovici. They read like a story and there are different topics to pick from. But read them all over the next week.
See a friend, get some company. Do something new that is not routine. Check in here and let me know how you are doing.
And recognise this is temporary. It will not last. The only way it will last is if you have contact with the monster.
Now get the meds….they work and you will feel relieved and so much better once they kick in ……
Tamikaye,
You put is so correctly “I am glad he made the decision that I did not have power to make”. I feel the same way. I would have never left my marriage had I not been discarded. For many reason and one was that my marriage vows were sacred to me. For better or worse. But you know thinking back there was no better. It’s just that I was so “gas lighted ” I couldn’t see it. And the grief is almost unbearable. At times I thought it was worse than a loved one dying. Because I knew they still loved me. Being discarded is like made worthless, reduced to a bag of garbage. A person who proclaims their love for you would never do that. Therefore I would never let my ex back into my life. It’s just that plain.
I don’t believe in revenge or hate. It’s just that this person disappeared from the earth for me. He just does not exist for me, except him being the source of my alimony payments. And that’s a business and not a relationship.
Kaya,
So true, I was “gas lighted” and manipulated to a point I didn’t think I could do any better. And so true about the worthless part, reduced to trash. It hurts like h***. He discarded me like trash, and would not think twice about doing it again, therefore I am staying away and rebuilding my self-respect. You are so right, if they ever loved us they would have never treated us like that. That’s not love at all!
taralav,
I agree with these wonderful posts. I am re-writing a little advice I wrote previously to include the thinking behind it.
I advised that you should see a dr and get an Rx for anti-anxiety med because you have had a huge trauma, and the stress hormones are flooding you. That’s why you feel stuck. Yes, you do need to give yourself grace and time to process. But, physically, you are likely overloaded with cortisol. A dr can assess that.
I suffered too long because I thought anti-anxiety meant proof that I was the crazy wife that I was accused of being. So I stayed away from legitimate help. This is NOT advocating throwing a pill at a problem, this is advocating self care of the physical body AS WELL AS self care of your spirit, which has just suffered a atom bomb attack.
You are NORMAL. You aren’t just suffering from loss of a relationship, you are suffering from loss of lifestyle, an identity, loss of reality, and all done by ATTACK on your very personhood. Didn’t you also mention you were parenting his kids? If I have that right, you are also suffering loss of your attachment to those kids. It all a huge ball of grief. The anti-anxiety won’t help you feel less, but it will stabilize the stress hormones so that you aren’t feeling frozen.
It is the one thing that helped me so much. I wish I had done it sooner. Another caution. The anti-anxiety is for short term only.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, what you have said: You are NORMAL. You aren’t just suffering from loss of a relationship, you are suffering from loss of lifestyle, an identity, loss of reality, and all done by ATTACK on your very personhood. Didn’t you also mention you were parenting his kids? If I have that right, you are also suffering loss of your attachment to those kids. It all a huge ball of grief.
…is priceless and really sums it up better than I have ever seen. YES!
About a year into therapy, I started having some issues at work on top of it all (harassment) and my therapist insisted that I have a prescription for anti-anxiety meds on hand. I really didn’t use them until much later with all the stress of the sale of the house and they were a lifesaver. I didn’t want them, and took them very sparingly, but my therapist assured me that that is why they exist, for times like this. I never had them refilled, they expired earlier this year and I still have half a bottle – but they got me through the worst days and allowed me to calm down and sleep so my head would clear…that is key – it is impossible to make good decisions when you are so stressed. Definitely short term only but can not stress how helpful they were.
Thank you for your post. I am taking a mild anxiety pill and talked to my dr about a anti depressant. I just need to get thru this..It has been months or yo yo back and forth with him. He left in feb, said he was going to fix himself and would be home..said he was spending some time with his mom and dad. So..even though its been months..i truly caught him cheating the end of March. So it feels not as long.
He tells me im crazy. That I need to move on and live my life when I ask him why..and how he did this. I was so so dumb he was building this relationship with this new girl and then poof. I was thrown out. He said “time will tell’ if he comes back…that means time will tell if things work out with the new one.
I know you say it is normal..i just do not feel normal. I do feel crazy, obsessed, asking him why he does not love me when did this all stop. I wake up the same way everyday. Sad, confused, hurt
I’m sending you hugs. I have just gone through a very very similar situation. I have an appointment June 4th to see about an anti-anxiety medication.
TaraLav
Your medication is not working. Sometimes it takes a bit to find the right one. See your doctor and Please ask for an assessment. You might need an anti-depressant but your feeling stuck sounds like anxiety to me. I do want to encourage you and others, sometimes we need medical help. There is no shame in it. You have been dealt a huge blow.
Tara,
Does your son have someone to watch over him? I worry because clearly you are not able to be there for him. And he should not be expected to care for you. It will mess his head up.
Please, seek professional help. You will be glad you did.
We all want the best for each other; but it helps to remember that we can’t know another’s situation completely. Each of us must decide for ourselves how to manage our own situation. A problem most of us had was succumbing to the Psychopath’s absolute control over our lives and personal decisions.
There are different paths that are right for different people. I endured panic attacks, sleeplessness, inability to function, and other symptoms of PTSD. For a variety of reasons, I choose not to take medication for my stress, although I considered it. I used other coping and recovery strategies. A couple of years out now, my life is unfolding well, my recovery is on track, and I’m enjoying life. My path is not right for everyone, but each person needs to make her own decision and be respected and supported.
Today, I finally got to the point that I am 100% committed to be done with the roller coaster ride I’ve been on for the last 16 months. After a weekend which involved me and my children being disappointed, shamed and confused by the spath, I made up my mind to stop investing any time in the relationship. This revelation was after 2 months of breaking up/running back to him four different times. This time, I will not be going back. For the first time, I see this relationship no longer has any value in my life. It is only bringing me and my family pain, uncertainty and disappointments. I called him this morning and ended it. No tears, no uncertainty, no bargaining. I had finally reached the point where I could not deny reality…..he had been disengaged for a long time, was cheating on me and he was severely devaluing myself and my disabled child.
The strange thing is that I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I think my mind is saying…..did that really happen? Did I really let someone move in with me (I had never lived with anyone before marriage; but he pushed me into living together by threatening to leave unless I showed more commitment). Did I really let someone live at my house without paying rent or taking any responsibility for household chores? Did I really have a relationship with someone who belittled me because I wouldn’t do the bookkeeping for his business, even though I work full-time, am raising two boys and run the household? Did I really put up with him staying out all night and not telling where he had gone? Did I really stay in a relationship after he drunkenly called me an “old hag”?
The answer to all these questions is “yes”. Now my journey starts to find out why, so I never, ever, ever do this again to myself and my family.
Claimmypower, congratulations! The right decision. Once we KNOW someone is a psychopath, I don’t understand why someone would want to have a relationship with them anyhow. It only leads to our harm. And to have a psychopath slobbering all over us…….creepy to say the least.
Also, having been a victim of child abuse, my view is that it is woman’s/man’s decision if they want to be with an abusive partner, but if they have children then they should not force that choice on their children. No parent should put their children at risk of harm and should immediately remove them from situations that cause them harm. The scarring on kids lasts a life time – to know your parent knowingly put you in a harmful situation and didn’t remove you is the ultimate betrayal for a child. As a kid, I couldn’t believe my mum was doing nothing to save me and I felt that she had abondoned me by allowing my stepfather to behave like that. When crying all day long she would say “there is nothing I can do to stop him”. I actually believed that she was trapped like me and couldn’t escape! Then when I was 13 she begged him for a baby and got pregnant. For me it felt like I was trapped forever. Of course mum wasn’t trapped at all, it was her choice to stay, her choice to tie herself closer with having a child with the abusive stepfather and her choice for me to remain abused.
Kids can never trust the parent again and the relationship is always broken. Children may also suffer post traumatic stress disorder and most don’t get it treated because they don’t know they have it. They experience the symptoms but it becomes them and their behaviour.
I’m so, so happy for your kids that you have done what was not only in your best interests, but in theirs too. He isn’t worth ruining a relationship for the rest of your life between you and your children. Psychopaths don’t last long in relationships anybow, which is a blessing so we can be rid of them.
Please read up on psychopathy from Donna’s reading list if you haven’t done so already. This helps give you the strength to maintain No Contact. At all costs never let that man near your kids again.
Well done!
Thanks for that great perspective, Bally. I hadn’t really thought about the long-term consequences on them. Now that I think about it, I was really putting him ahead of my kids and role modeling some pretty pathetic permissive behaviors. One of the things the spath did was constantly refer to my disabled son as a girl. The spath’s son even did it a couple times. My son would typically laugh it off. However, I noticed a couple times when he shut down and didn’t laugh any more. Why in the world did I allow it in my house? Bullying. I must learn how to set and enforce better boundaries for all of us.
Claimmypower, don’t know how old your son is and if he is old enough to have a conversation about any abuse he suffered, please discuss it with him immediately. Bring it out in the open and air it. The being called a girl, etc etc. anything else. Even discuss what you did wrong, what tou learned, and apologise. Let him know you will not let that man near him again. Explain your vulnerabilities and how you got sucked it…..but now you know these things and they won’t happen again.
I’m late 40’s and my stepdad was violent and abusive until he died 7 years ago. Even worse when I went no contact 6 years before he died. My half-sister is exactly the same and even on his death bed he carried on poisoning her mind to carry on where he left off. I have no contact with her. She is too evil. My mother still won’t talk about the abuse and still makes out she was the victim and gives no acknowledgement to what stepdad and she did to both me and my brother. Nor her role in it unless she says “it was all my fault then” in a sarcastic tone. Anything can trigger the flashbacks. I’m so glad you got away for the sake of your kids at least. It is so important to air the issues with your kids, it only will cause them resentment if you behave like my mother and ignore the impact the spath had on them and anything you did wrong must be addressed.
(((HUGS)))
We ‘ve all been there. Don’t beat urself up too bad hon.
Did he use hypnotic techniques on you? My ex P did, and I too was left wondering what in the world was I thinking? When I read that P’s seem to have an innate ability to use mind control, neuro linguistic programming, etc, I realized I’d been under a spell, kind of hypnotized. Some of them study it, some just seem to pick up the knack.
And congratulations to you!
Annette…he did use hypnotic techniques on me…absolutely. I think it was innate for him; I don’t think he studied it.
I am feeling better. I have done so much hard, hard work to get where I am. I am lucky to be alive truthfully. I am still standing for a reason. Love to everyone today!
Hanalei
I agree with you. I did get a prescription for an anti anxiety medication also , just for 30 tablets. I used them occasionally in court hearings and when I felt overwhelmed. I still have half the bottle and just knowing that calms me. My doctor told me that they are highly addictive and only to use them when there is a need.
But it did help. It is so true that it feels like you are losing you entire foundation. A foundation that should be rock solid. But instead it was built like sand castle and he stepped on it and destroyed it all.
But you know what, all if us can rebuild that sandcastle. I won’t use sand the next time. It will definetely be more solid. Until then I am perfectly content with the way I live right-now.
Kaya48 and Hanalei – I also got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. I’ve only used them a few times, but they’ve been very helpful as I find myself going down the rabbit hole. After a difficult weekend trip to visit my mother (very narcissistic), I had gone down the rabbit hole and stayed there for a week. My doctor did not want me doing that again, so gave me these to prevent going there in the first place. I find they work very well, as long as I take them when I feel myself slipping. I used to be very afraid of psychiatric meds, but I’ve taken a couple different ones over the past 5 years at different times, and they are very helpful in evening me out, so I can learn new behaviors.
Hanalei, Bally, kaya48, claimmypower
Can I ask what anti anxiety worked for you?
I have Trazodone 50mg that I have used very sparingly.
I have heard of people taking melatonin but that never worked for me.
Xanax, .5mg Usually I cut them in half and only took half. I can only think of a handful of times I took a whole one. After the first time or two I took it I understood how it worked (instantly and magically calming me down) and used very sparingly. I learned from my therapist that it was in my best interest to take them because I flooded my system with so much anxiety that I couldn’t think straight or sleep, and spiraled into rumination. It was very situational and based on need, not a daily or even weekly thing.
Notwhat, mine are long gone, cannot remember the name. I don’t live in USA anyhow. They were anti-depressants and first time I took them in my life…was on them 6 months and came off with ease, just had to reduce intake over a couple of weeks or so. I remember doc said they were mild depressants. They were fabulous though, went around with a smile on my face!