UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jenna23
She is with him because he probably convinced her everything about him isn’t true..
She confronted him and of course he’s lying to her and everyone else.
I would try to stay away from any reminder of him…throw emails away, pictures,gifts, anything and everything. Seeing those pictures doesn’t help, I know it’s set me back keeping anything.
The reason they are together is because he’s manipulated her and brainwashed her that he’s not a bad person..he’s a dangerous jerk, they all are…stay away from danger.
Best thing for you is to read as much info anywhere you can on this disorder..express your feelings and welcome all advice from the others on here who have been through it all before you and I 🙂
He deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth, much less his smirky grin.
There is no way she could change him. People change because they want to change because it’s the right thing to do. If he were motivated to change he would have done right a long time ago. She has no special information to give him that he didn’t already know. She isn’t ‘better’ than the next woman – if he changed because of something she has to offer what if she loses her looks or her money or whatever motivates him? That isn’t change, that’s exploitation of someone else.
jenna23
I read the testimony of another woman raped by Bill Cosby. She didn’t recognize, but I did… and you will too… she said she kept “asking herself over and over in disbelief why this had happened to me.” (her words)
My suggestion. Don’t defuse it, don’t think of other victims. Concentrate on YOU. Your responsibility is first to YOU. How are YOU doing in therapy? What does your therapist say, or what homework does your therapist give YOU. If this therapist is not helping, get another one. There are a lot of bad therapists out there. It took me years and many tries to find the jewel that actually HELPED Me. If you stayed with him after the second rape, (we know you stayed after the first rape), your therapist should be helping you to understand Stockholm syndrome, or gaslighting, or learned helplessness, or.or.or… Your “or” will be specific to YOU.
Take care of YOU. And when YOU are better, then and only then do you have time/energy for other victims. As they say on the plane, put your own oxygen on first, THEN when you are safe and saved, you can help others.
I hated my ex’s other women, until I realized that GOD was sending them in order that I might be saved. GOD wanted to save me. I wasn’t going to reject that.
I think GOD wants to save you. So try focusing on YOU and only YOU. It might feel weird. I know it did to me. It felt selfish to think of my own wellbeing. So I had to take care of myself in spite of it feeling wrong and narcissistic to do. By gosh, I found out that self CARE is moral and self CARE is NOT narcissistic. GOD has saved you. You get to choose now. You can have him back… or you can have yourself back. I know what I want you to choose. (pps, that woman’s history sounds so very awful. I know GOD has better plans for her too.)
Thank you so much for saying this. I unfortunately was the other woman after he went back to his wife. It was brief but when he cheated on me with amanda that was living in his home with his wife and him i was free now too i guess. He got found out about the 1000+ text he was sending amanda and his wife found it out. thank GOD it wasnt me. It was GOD showing me the truth and allowing me to get out of this mess. I hate it that I think of amanda and other women he is with and has been with because I am mad that they got him. I am mad bcs amanda certainly got more of him than i did. I know i have to move on. Again, i work with my np and this has been very difficult for me to deal with. I am so happy I have this place to say how i feel. I hope i can get through this.
Thank you so much for saying this. I unfortunately was the other woman after he went back to his wife. It was brief but when he cheated on me with amanda that was living in his home with his wife and him i was free now too i guess. He got found out about the 1000+ text he was sending amanda and his wife found it out. thank GOD it wasnt me. It was GOD showing me the truth and allowing me to get out of this mess. I hate it that I think of amanda and other women he is with and has been with because I am mad that they got him. I am mad bcs amanda certainly got more of him than i did. I know i have to move on. Again, i work with my np and this has been very difficult for me to deal with. I am so happy I have this place to say how i feel. I hope i can get through this.
inthemiddleofheartache
I did not have LF to help guide me about what evil I was battling and how to get past the evil done to me. I had to learn tiny bit by tiny bit.
One thing that was BIG for me was learning to tell myself the TRUTH. So I am going to tell you a TRUTH, as I see it.
TRUTH: He is NOTHING. He is a human of a lower order, with no conscience.
Therefore: “Amanda” got more of him is NOT TRUE. What portion of NOTHING did she get?
Furthermore, there were so many of my husbands affairs who hated me, thinking I was getting the best part of him. I promise you, in spite of the photos, that so called “best” part nearly drove me to suicide and HE nearly murdered me.
Don’t be envious of a woman who saves you from a monster. Be GRATEFUL and see it for the blessing it is. (even if you can’t see that now, when you are healing, you will feel the blessing. I promise.)
I hope so too. He is so smug at work and its like he is constantly dangling a carrot in front of me. I hate it that I want to be ok with him and have him not discard me. I know amanda will be another casualty of his but i want to be the one and not have someone elses pictures in front of me to judge myself. I wish i liked myself more and that i didnt care. i still care and its like trying to fix something that is unable to be fixed. He even said he would be a reference for me on some paperwork. Yesterday he made fun of me in front of everyone. He did his normal joking thing. I just dont get it. He said yesterday that he would like to canoodle with me again after saying last week he didnt want anything with anyone.Then i start thinking its me bcs i cant stop myself from speaking with him. I hate this. I hate going to work and i hate all this emotion.
In the middle,
Your feelings are normal. You care because you’re a good person and you bond to another. That is a good way to be in a relationship with a good person who cares about you. It will take time to get over your experience with him, even though he is worthless.
Is there any way you can change your work situation so you don’t have to encounter him?
I hope so too. He is so smug at work and its like he is constantly dangling a carrot in front of me. I hate it that I want to be ok with him and have him not discard me. I know amanda will be another casualty of his but i want to be the one and not have someone elses pictures in front of me to judge myself. I wish i liked myself more and that i didnt care. i still care and its like trying to fix something that is unable to be fixed. He even said he would be a reference for me on some paperwork. Yesterday he made fun of me in front of everyone. He did his normal joking thing. I just dont get it. He said yesterday that he would like to canoodle with me again after saying last week he didnt want anything with anyone.Then i start thinking its me bcs i cant stop myself from speaking with him. I hate this. I hate going to work and i hate all this emotion.
Jenna23
Yeh I get you..i question this crap all the time
Did he change? Does he treat her better? Doesn’t she see the abuse?
I doubt he has changed in a few weeks, I believe it’s engrained in their tiny little brains.
Did you give her evidence he raped you?
He may have had a “reason” for anything you accused him of when with her.
He probably has changed the story and made you the cause of his actions. It won’t be long before he treats her with disrespect as well
Jenna
Are you the first he’s caused harm
To that you know of??
What was the reason he touched your sons gf inappropriately?
When you confronted him on his actions toward you, what was his answer?
God can avenge you. He loves you and He will supply your needs. You want vengeance, but maybe you don’t need it. The Bible tells us that He will repay according to His timetable.
Jenna
He’s a monster! Best thing you could ever have done is stay away – once he’s done it he will continue to do it. This kind of behavior escalates and I’m glad you got out before he kilks someone because one day someone will have evidence and he will kill, I can guarantee it 🙁
You tried, and you did the best you could knowing what you did at the time. You can be pleased with yourself for caring and for acting.
The way you feel is normal for victims of assault and rape – it is even worse when the perpetrator is someone you know and trusted rather than stranger rape.
There are counselors and groups that know the tools to help you feel better; and you will find things that help you on your own, too.
You will recover.
Jenna, this is why no contact is so important”and no contact extends to looking at FB pages! When we find out information about our ex’s, it almost never makes us feel better. Instead, it raises questions that set us back and cause us to start to spin all over again.
Do not slip into ruminating about this when you have made such progress and stop looking for information that will only cause you to spin. If he is treating her “better”, it is only for the moment and because he has her in an idealization phase. He hasn’t changed and fallen in love. He is a monster.
She is there because he has manipulated and lied to her just like he did to you. What he is doing and with whom is not your concern, and thank GOD for that”what he did to you was horrific. I can’t recommend more strongly that you don’t snoop around looking for things and then trying to put sense into what you see – it is very unproductive, and harmful to you. Check in with your therapist asap and let her know how you are feeling about this.
I have been where you are right now and believe me, snooping will only set you back and prolong your pain. Focus on you. That is all that matters.
Jenna, you were enough. The problem is with him, not with you. This is a monster who brutally raped you. NOTHING about you caused that.
This is why trying to warn others is usually not a good idea – had someone shown me evidence about my ex, I wouldn’t have believed it. He would have explained it away, and convinced me that whoever tried to help me was crazy and vindictive.
Awhile back I posted a very long article about thinking it would be different for the next woman/victim. I thought I sent myself the link but I can’t find it right now. Maybe you remember seeing it. It speaks to what you are feeling. I will post it later if I can find it.
In the meantime, maybe this quote that I saved from somewhere will help:
Psychopaths cannot change. Psychopathy is incurable and untreatable. They do not want help, because they believe themselves to be superior to “regular” human beings. You do not have to worry that they’re a changed man or woman, because they’re not. They may give off the illusion of “goodness” in order to maintain an image of normalcy, but like anything else with a psychopath, it’s all manufactured. They are incapable of seeing other human beings as unique individuals deserving of love & kindness. All they see is pawns on a chess board. Someone who is capable of abusing you (with silence, gas-lighting, cheating, and pathological lying) is not also capable of suddenly being a decent human being because they found a better partner. These qualities & behaviors are indicative of a serious personality disorder, not temporary symptoms a bad relationship.
Jenna,
He is a sociopath. Whatever label is given him, he is a very bad man and the thing to do is stay away from him and protect yourself from him. He’s not worth trying to figure out. You are not responsible for him. He is responsible for himself.
He probably did not feel rage. He said he was in a rage as a way to blame you for raping and assaulting you. He was just doing what he felt like doing which is very evil and bad because he is very evil and bad.
If he really thought you cheated (I doubt he did think that), he still has no right to rape, assault and abuse you. You are not responsible for what he thinks.
Even if you actually cheated on him, he has no right to rape, assault and abuse you. No one has the right to abuse you. It is wrong to harm people. Period. There is never any valid justification for deliberately hurting others.
Jenna, here is what I posted a few weeks ago:
To anyone who is still thinking it was you, and that your ex is treating the next victim better, I came across this article yesterday: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
Please go to the link and read the article. It will help.
Yes, he is a sociopath. He is an abuser. He is a rapist. There is NO excuse for rape or abuse. Nothing you did or didn’t do warranted you being abused and raped. He said he lost control and abused and raped you because he thought you were cheating on him – thus transferring the blame to you. REPEAT: there is NO excuse for rape or abuse.
The article I just sent you will help explain why another woman would be with him.
I hope you will discuss how you are feeling with your therapist, you need a professional to help you with how you are thinking and feeling.
Jenna,
An apology would mean nothing from him. If he apologized he would be saying it to get something. He wouldn’t mean it.
He was not JUST taking out stress on you. Rape is not taking out stress. No matter what, it’s wrong to take out stress by hurting others, not even just snapping at someone.
FB doesn’t tell the whole story. It could be any number of reasons why they are in that photo together. It’s really none of our business which is a good thing. People put all kinds of stuff on FB. Given his history, it is likely that he is exploiting her in whatever way works. She is in danger. You could pray for her and put it in God’s hands.
Be glad it doesn’t make sense to you.
It might be helpful if you kindly asked people not to talk with you about him. Unless it’s a threat or something you need to know, it’s just going to be the same BS he is doing to terrorize you. Whenever he talks to your son’s friend, he knows it will get back to you, so he’s just using the opportunity to keep harming you.
How are your plans to move coming along?
He said whatever would work on her to get her to do what he wants her to do.
Jenna
Omg you NEED to be away from him
This is a very dangerous person…running after you and dragging back to his place for 8 hours!?
I understand how you’re feeling though although I didn’t have the physical abuse.
He will repeat his behavior if he is a criminal, this woman will not change him.
And of course he will tell her your stories are crazy he has to protect his reputation
Have you contacted anyone about this?
It hurts to see that. Keep in mind that what gets posted on FB is photos of kissing at ski resorts, not the fights, the abuse, the tears.
For most survivors, staying away from FB and other social media especially the ex’s and anyone associated with him’s pages is an important part of NC. Because you were abused pretty badly and assaulted and raped, the PTSD that you are experiencing can be intense and physically harmful as well as psychologically harmful. Try to protect yourself from any kind of contact with the person who harmed you. I know it’s difficult, but if you can stay away from him and anything about him, you will feel better.
Rapists don’t have true loves. They don’t love anyone.
People post pics of themselves looking happy on FB. It doesn’t mean they are happy.
He lied to her. Who knows what he specifically said.
I think if you believe in your value and worth as a person, and recognize that he is evil, it might be easier to understand. If you try to understand it within the paradigm that you are somehow responsible for his choices, it won’t make sense.
Somehow, someone has made you feel that you are responsible for others’ bad choices, maybe when you were young. It is hard to unlearn.
jenna23
Chiming in to echo Annette:
I was the scapegoat child in my family. Sometimes that happens, the abuse is heaped on one child. I was chosen because I was healthy. All the other kids were seen by doctors and that would have gotten my mother in trouble. So she beat the one who was not in a doctors care.
I am sorry you were the beaten child. That was wrong. I get the possible dynamics of a girl who seeks an abusive man and tries to make him happy. You could do that with a decent man and because he is capable of feeling happiness AND RECIPROCATING IT, you would receive the love you deserve.
I am so sorry. He was wrong to beat you. You did not deserve to be hurt.
Jenna, he should have loved you and protected you and he should not have left. None of it is ok. Being an abuser does not make it ok to abandon his family. He should have stayed and been a good father to you.
Jenna, I hope you are feeling a little bit better this morning!
I don’t know if you follow Psychopath Free on FB, but you should! They post some great articles and this morning, there was one that was perfect for you.
https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/
This article will help to calm some of your thinking about how this other woman is with him right now. Also remember to be thankful that you are free of him. It doesn’t matter what he does, and with who. You are free to live and be happy again.
Jenna, others have already said this, but I want to emphasize it – what people post on FB doesn’t mean anything, and only causes us to make up stories in our heads. That is why it’s so important not to go looking.
I had many pictures with my ex where we looked so happy and like a couple to envy, taken on “dream” vacations. What you don’t see is that in many, the night before I had spent hours crying on the bathroom floor because he had been so cruel to me. Or that we had traveled to Hawaii and he refused to leave the house for the entire time we were there, or to let me go anywhere without him. In fact, I joined FB only after he pushed me to, because he wanted me to brag about all the wonderful times we were having. My ex was all about image, showing off to complete strangers.
After I was discarded, my goal was to have a calm, clear mind. It took a long time and I had a lot of setbacks, but I realized pretty quickly that exposing myself to anything about him was counterproductive to that goal. So I did the hard work necessary. Now on the other side of all that, I don’t want to lose one more minute of my life feeling bad about him, or thinking about him.
Jenna, you are so, so lucky to be rid of him with no further harm than you have already suffered. Focus on YOU. Get moving. Go to the gym. Stay busy with projects with your grandkids. Plan your move. Teach yourself to stand on your head. Read about something you’ve always been interested in. Depending on where you are, take long walks in the snow, the sand, your neighborhood. Adopt a pet. Read. Live! Be grateful!
He is playing you now, because he has got you spinning around and thinking about him, spending lots of your precious energy on him, and focusing on him. As much as you can, try to resist giving him exactly what he wants from you, whether he is aware of it or not.
In my experience, spaths sense, perhaps through the (evil) spirit world, whether their victims are vulnerable to them or not. My ex psychopath abruptly stopped trying to mess with me in many ways when I became somewhat immune to some of his tactics; and I became more interested in other things in life than him and my experience with him. I didn’t fully realize that I’d gotten that far in recovery, but he seemed to somehow sense it, despite no personal contact.
I know it is difficult, next to impossible for you to change your thoughts right now, but consider trying to focus on something else, to distract yourself from thoughts of him, from time to time to give yourself a break.
AnnettePK thank you for your kind words. This is so hard for me. I am on the every other day plan with this guy. yesterday he is back and wanting to straighten everything out at home first. He said that he was getting divorced and I am not sure what is going on at this point. He is playing around with me. I was speaking to him yesterday and he got angry mad faces at me and left the room like I was some kid he was dealing with. I was so pissed off about it. I told him later that I was mad at him and that i didnt appreciate his dealing with me. he said didnt you get it when i wasnt ans your questions. I said dont treat me like a kid and use words. I dont get all of this. I am not sure if he is with his wife bcs he wont speak abt anything. He may be with amanda for all i know. I cant take this pain anymore though. I want to not have any feelings and I cant leave this job bcs I need the health benefits. I am so screwed. I dont know why it is so important for him to like me want me and be with me when he isnt such a nice guy. I wish i could fix this somehow.
You are interacting with him as though he is normal, and that is what everyone who interacts with a spath does. Sadly telling him you are feeling angry, and asking him to treat you well, don’t affect a spath like it would affect a normal person. To him, it’s just a game, and he doesn’t care what you say to him as long as you are interacting with him and focusing on him. He wants you to feel frustrated and upset due to him, because he is a sadist and he likes to feel powerful in that way.
He doesn’t like you nor want you (nor anyone else in the world); he is just playing a game.
Interacting with a spath always always leaves the victims ‘so screwed.’
The greyrock technique may help you deal with interacting with him. It’s the only thing that ‘works’ in dealing with a spath. It doesn’t change them, but it minimizes the problems and suffering that interacting with them always causes.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
>>I dont know why it is so important for him to like me want me and be with me when he isnt such a nice guy. I wish i could fix this somehow.
Because he made you feel insecure, then made you feel like he could answer to that insecurity. That’s why it’s harder to leave someone like this, than a normal breakup.
One place to start, is anything that gives you company (you’ve said you are a bit alone), and anything that builds you up.
Something I’ve found helpful over the years is volunteer work. I figured, I can’t be disappointed if I have no expectations and am just giving. In the end I met people, and developed some skills. There’s a lot out there besides soup kitchens. There’s credit counseling through the cooperative extensions, volunteering in a hospital, taking people grocery shopping or reading to them, working with children.
I’m suggesting that steps that take you outside of yourself and your world — may make it easier to see your world and figure out how you want to put it together and heal from this.
As for this man — he’s married and cheats. He’s not a judge of character such as whether you are worthwhile — since he hasn’t created a quality character in himself. So whatever he thinks of you, doesn’t mean anything. He’s not compassionate, though he might pretend to be. If you can be compassionate, you will be above him, and stronger than him, and in a whole world that he has no idea how to be in.
Also if he picked Amanda, it’s because she’s easier or he’s hoping she’s easier, not any other reason. It’s a booby prize, to be picked.
A hard concept to grasp, but very true, is that people such as him, who aren’t able to connect honestly with others — have much less joy in their lives. If you get really close inside their heads, you start to spot that they are incredbily sad inside. So as bad as you might feel at times, you are feeling happier than him. Like I said, it’s a hard concept to get. I had a couple experiences where I got to hear what someone was thinking– and realized this was true.
Hoping saying those things about him, help.
You did what you could do to help, there isn’t anything more to do. He will prey on women as long as he can, just like all the other spaths out there. It is Satan’s world for now. There is heartbreaking and gut wrenching war, violence, poverty, and other horrors all over the world. We do what we can do, but it’s out of our control. It’s difficult to accept because many of us take on a lot of responsibility. Try to discern what you can do for others – for your family, grandchildren, and others close to you; and what is out of your control.
Not
I totally agree with you . God has sent those other minions into his path so God can save me. Without them I would still be the recipient of his abuse and lies. Do you see how awesome GOD is?
yep kaya48
In my life, GOD used evil for good. GOD Sent those minions that I thought were the worst things to happen in my life, and they were vicious but ended up being the best thing for me.
I think your parents failed you for whatever reasons – parents are have God given responsibility to love provide and protect their children, and somehow your parents didn’t know how to do this or were overcome somehow or just plain didn’t care. For now God is allowing mankind to go their own way rather than obey Him which brings happiness for everyone. God promises to avenge wrong doing and to bring perfect justice because He knows the heart/motivation of each person. It may or may not be in this lifetime, though, which is very difficult. We want immediate justice.
Annette
I agree although I think it could happen in our lifetime – God has certainly given us the tools to destroy ourselves along with our planet…
Under,
Really good point. Describing conditions at the end of the age in Mat 24:22, “And unless those days were shortened, no flesh would be saved; but for the elect’s sake those days will be shortened.” It is only in the last couple of generations that mankind has had the capacity to destroy itself completely.
Jenna
Don’t look at the women he cheats with. They are nothing special , they were just available. You should never compare yourself to them, ever. Cheating is a choice and has nothing to do with you.
He did not change. If he did, he would feel truly bad about raping and abusing you.
He may have encouraged her to put it on FB to torment you.
Consider trying to focus on your life and your family and friends and hobbies and spiritual life, not his. His life is empty, boring, sickening, and disgusting. Thinking of him and why he does what he does is thinking about the worst disgusting evil harmful thing in the universe. You do have to process what happened and grieve it, but he doesn’t deserve to have you thinking about him.
What his life looks like is not necessarily the same as it is. FB doesn’t tell the whole story. Who knows when that pic was taken and what it is about?
He doesn’t have anything you need. Your happiness and your life don’t depend on him. Whether he’s happy or not, doesn’t control your happiness. According to the Bible, everyone will have to account for everything we say and do at some point. God’s desire is to have people repent/change, and those that won’t once they understand right from wrong, will not get eternal life – they will be gone. God is the arbitrator of justice, and if you rely on Him or the Universe or the working of karma, however you understand it, you will know that you are free of the burden of your happiness depending on his demise.
For most good people, punishment and suffering of their abuser usually does not bring the happiness that they expect anyway.
Nothing will immediately erase the damage he has done to you, even if you get to see him strung up and tortured in front of the world (which is actually what happened to Jesus, who never hurt anyone ever).
You will recover, but it will take time and a lot of work. Life is not fair, and those who are good kind people get taken advantage of and harmed. God hates the injustice and harm done to you and everyone. He is allowing it to happen now according to His plan.
jenna23
They ALWAYS have ulterior motives. If he knew he caused you pain, then he would feel pleasure. NO he has NOT changed. A man who did to you what he did? That’s a VERY disturbed disordered thug. They don’t change but they do USE people to harm others by proxy.
Try to help yourself. That’s her path of pain and she’ll be in that path until the pain is too much to bear.