UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Well, I have asked my son to go to his house today and collect an office chair that I had lent him. His broke and I had two in my business and one was spare. So I decided I don’t want him to have it anymore.
Not sure what reaction that will raise, not bothered and if he does respond I won’t respond either,
But now I am wondering if I have done the right thing! Maybe I should wait a while till the sea has settled and I don’t feel angry!
His son told my son a while ago that his dad was a loser, that you couldn’t rely on anything he said, ever. How true that is!
elsa,
Your spirit, your well being matters more than a chair. The contact with him is harmful to you at this point. And when it’s no longer harmful to you, the chair will be unimportant to you. As evil as your ex is, your son isn’t safe with him either. Your ex could perceive your son as goading him. I hope you can cancel the task for your son. He shouldn’t have anything to do with him at all.
I have cancelled!! I feel angry about him just taking ( I know it is only a chair!!!)
My son works with his son, which is also a pain. But his son is his fathers son, if you get what I mean! A player. Not a nice lad. Arrogant, big headed and underhand. They do have a bit of a local reputation for being “too clever”
I live in the Uk. Sociopaths all over the world!!
elsa
I do understand the feeling. He got the chair by scamming you. It’s visible proof of it. And the jerk gets away with it. It’s totally aggravating! (my ex took my household tools that I had for 15 years before I even met him. HE decided and did it without my knowledge. When I demanded my tools back, he never could find them.)
But, there’s a bigger picture. And that’s the one that matters. Also, he can’t scam you anymore. That’s the WIN that matters. Another little victory for you? You could look at it as not letting him know that he can upset you anymore. Make him as nothing to you. It’s win/win. You get healing… which I promise, he does not want your wellbeing.
Consider letting that chair go, and just getting another one. If he returns it sometime, accept it, but any interaction with him is likely to have bad results.
ouch jenna23
I don’t think she meant “mind your own business”.
I’m betting she meant, you only have x amount of energy and you should spend that energy on you. To use it on him or anyone else is wasting a precious resource.
And I agree, focus on YOU. The more you work on healing YOU, the smaller he shrinks in power over you and the stronger you will become.
You are free to focus on yourself. Glad the moving thing is happening. Consider that you will benefit from protecting yourself by not talking to people who have anything to do with him. His choices caused a severe trauma for you, and part of recovery is staying away from him and anything and anyone that has to do with him. It will help you heal.
I found this thank you note to the other partner. I write it out but never sent it. I also used to hate the minions. In reality they were my life savers.
Dear ……….(minions name)
At first I didn’t like you, because well” when you find out your husband is having an affair, it’s generally upsetting.However, after discovering that my husband was not the man I thought I was married to and actually turned out to be a complete psychopath, I guess a whore is the perfect match for him and you two should be very happy together.So I sincerely and honestly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking that asshole and giving me my life back.While I don’t see us ever being friends, I did want to give you a little thank you gift in appreciation of all that you have done for me. I wish you all the best!
Kaya48
Haha I actually sent one! It read;
Congratulations, it’s over for me and now he’s all yours! Do you want a list of your competition? You weren’t stupid enough to think you were the only one were you…
Never heard back from her but I know she got it by the spaths attitude towards me hehe 😉
Anette
You are absolutely right. The key words are “according to His plan “. Only God knows what’s best for us. So it is not necessarily the plan we had in mind. When I was discarded I did not see Gods plan or understood it but I put all my trust in him. Now I can clearly see it was fit the good.
I did not leave my husband out of fear of losing my so called security. I valued my house and material things ovet my sanity and happiness. Only God has the power to take him away so I can get my beliefs in order. I became stronger in my faith and appreciate and value little things now. Not material things.
And my so called security was all fake anyhow. These things can disappear at any momemt of your life, but God is always there. Always.
I don’t like the damage that was done by my ex but at the same time I take it as the biggest blessing. My ex’s karma has already begun. I hope he wil stick with sex with prostitutes. This way they don’t get hurt the way I did. Luckily he cannot have anymore children. God probably told him to get a vasectony after he left so no other child has to endure what my son did.
Thanks for these words today kaya48.
I was accused of not letting go of my husband. And at the time, it totally confused me because HE was telling me that jealous people were trying to interfere in our marriage and he hoped I loved him enough. So… I knew if my husband was cheating, I would divorce him. (I’d had a bad boyfriend in the past and knew once a cheater, always a cheater and vowed to never endure that nightmare ever again… and I told my husband that!)
So when the crap started coming at me, I wasn’t so much as “not letting go of my husband”. What I did do was try to preserve my marriage. Afterall, I also had a child who would lose her childhood, and we had businesses together, as well as a way of life that we had built for 15 years. These “other women” just wanted me to go away and they’d get all the fruits of my labor! And vilified me for defending myself, my child, my marriage, and my dignity! As if I were somehow BAD and the women who disrespected my marriage demanded that I respect THEIR affair, and just go away.
A nightmare! But in the end, those cheating women deserved my husband. He was MY revenge… just by being himself!
Kaya48
Yiur words are inspiring so thanks! I’ve started again before so I can start again now – God never gave up on me so thanks for the reminder x
Hanalei
Thank you for the link to this powerful article. It’s like an eye opener. Even now I like educating myself about the disorder of my ex. It just reaffirms me in the no contact.
So true, they can only love themselves. What a shallow , sad life they must live. After 20 years I don’t feel one but sorry for my ex, only think how pathetic and evil he is.
And like the article stated, the new victims will not be treated any different or better and eventually will be discarded just like us.
Thanks again.
Hanalei
You are right. Looking through photos, most of them I did cry the night before or even hours before because he reduced to a “nothing” hiding in my closet. Photos don’t show your pain, they don’t show his lies and betrayals, they don’t show the evil and going on in his head. And this why my lawyer advised me to stay away from any social websites. Don’t look up anything , don’t post anything. Knowing my ex being a cop , he would twist and turn something into a criminal offense. I will not give him one little “kibble ” that he could feed of. Going on facebook is asking for more pain. I don’t care who he dates at the moment, how she looks like. None of my concern. Anything on Facebook is admissible in court. I will not give him any opportunity to have me in court again. Ever .
Kaya, I agree with you about the “kibbles”. My ex talked a lot about retaliating against people, in particular, his ex wife, and they had been divorced 15+ years. Their kids were all adults and yet he caused trouble every holiday season over scheduling when to get together. He KNEW it was tradition for them to be with their mom at certain times, yet he yanked and pulled them every year and only succeeded in upsetting everyone and making things tense. One year as he started ramping up in advance, I suggested that this year he accept the traditions and that we schedule our get togethers at other times to make it smooth. He refused. I realize now that he was still trying to control her, and it infuriated him that she was happily married and had a calm life and no need to involve herself with him for any reason. He talked about suing people at his job for harassment or defamation. I will never give him one bit of ammunition to use against me. I’m fine if he thinks I’m weak, or destroyed. Better yet, I hope he doesn’t think of me at all.
It’s been a hard road, but one thing I have learned for sure is that I want to feel good and be happy and anything that has anything to do with him is counterproductive to that. Even if he comes up in passing, it makes me feel icky. I try to stay true to this simple rule – if it hurts, don’t do it.
You are so right when you say that God intervened and saved us.
I’m glad you liked the article! I thought it was great!
“Character” is the real word. He is not a true human being. He is a series of characters that he plays for different women to get sex, money, power, prestige…. whatever he wants at the moment to stave off the darkness of being a soulless human-shaped object.
NoMoreWool, I have deceided to just give up. there is no fixing or no doing anything at this point to change the situation. I am seeing a emdr doctor on thursday as the counselor who was going to see me on wednesday her mom passed and she is not available to counsel for awhile. I have been bounced all over the place not intentionally but all the same. I dont plan on asking him anything and will do my best not to engage him unless absolutely necessary. i wish i had enough of myself that all of this nonsense would not matter. my ex husband and pretty much everyone I am involved with to any degree is the same way with me. I serve no purpose to anyone unless I am doing something for them. I have conversations and right away I get diminished and discounted and my statements and comments serve no value. I am starting to realize the reason I dont think of myself is when I am in a conversation right away I am told differently abt what I have said,that it doesnt mean anything and I should stop thinking of myself. I realize i didnt get here by myself. I lot of people have been working real hard to keep me where i am. I hate this pitifull life i am living. I couldnt even tell you how I feel abt anything without questioning myself. This is why I also wanted to see him to maybe get some answers on what the hell has happened to me in the last 2 years. S**t the last 3 months. I went from i will see you to I wont see you, to i will come over to no i wont come over, but I will go to the sportsman place with you if you want. To i am working on my marriage and looking at it diff this time. Did i just get out the spin cycle of the washer????
inthemiddle –
Please realize you will never make sense of him. YES, he is doing everything he can to keep you in a spin cycle. You will never know why – because he thinks it is funny, because he is bored, because you are easy pickings – it doesn’t matter because the end result for you is always the same …. HEARTACHE.
I am so sorry you have to work with him. I know you are scared to leave your job and find another. You have just moved from your home to an apartment and have experienced a tremendous amount of upheaval in your life.
SOCIOPATHS FEED OFF OF THAT. He smells the blood in the water and he is there to feed.
Yes, GIVE UP. He is an empty shell that will never hold any answers for you.
Focus on you. Love yourself. Get up every morning, look in the mirror and say “Self, you are a great person. I love you.” Say it like you mean it, even if you don’t.
Lovebomb yourself. Give yourself a flower or a cookie or a nice pair of new flipflops for summer. Do something nice for yourself every day, no matter how small. Do it like you mean it. Eventually you will believe it.
You say you are alone. Don’t let that stop you from positive social interaction. Go to the mall and smile at babies in strollers. They will smile back and you will feel good.
Bake some cookies – sugar free if you can – and take them to a local nursing home. Ask if there are any residents who don’t get visitors and residents who can have your cookies. Smile and they will smile back. It will feel good.
Go to the local humane shelter. Pet some animals, even if you have to pretend to be interested in adoption. It will feel good.
There are lots of ways to feel good, even if you don’t know anyone. I am sure if you try you can think of others.
The point is don’t let the sociopath suck away all of the joy from your life like a thirsty vampire. Make your own joy.
YOU CAN DO IT!
NoMoreWool, I have deceided to just give up. there is no fixing or no doing anything at this point to change the situation. I am seeing a emdr doctor on thursday as the counselor who was going to see me on wednesday her mom passed and she is not available to counsel for awhile. I have been bounced all over the place not intentionally but all the same. I dont plan on asking him anything and will do my best not to engage him unless absolutely necessary. i wish i had enough of myself that all of this nonsense would not matter. my ex husband and pretty much everyone I am involved with to any degree is the same way with me. I serve no purpose to anyone unless I am doing something for them. I have conversations and right away I get diminished and discounted and my statements and comments serve no value. I am starting to realize the reason I dont think of myself is when I am in a conversation right away I am told differently abt what I have said,that it doesnt mean anything and I should stop thinking of myself. I realize i didnt get here by myself. I lot of people have been working real hard to keep me where i am. I hate this pitifull life i am living. I couldnt even tell you how I feel abt anything without questioning myself. This is why I also wanted to see him to maybe get some answers on what the hell has happened to me in the last 2 years. S**t the last 3 months. I went from i will see you to I wont see you, to i will come over to no i wont come over, but I will go to the sportsman place with you if you want. To i am working on my marriage and looking at it diff this time. Did i just get out the spin cycle of the washer????
How did the emdr work for you? I am interested in it for myself, and my son is going to see a counselor who uses it, for phobias. My brother is a counselor and uses it, but he lives across the country from me.
Jenna – it’s not character. He is disordered. I know this for certain. The experts know this for certain.
You have not lost a “keeper” because you weren’t “good enough”. You are questioning everything and feeling the way you are feeling because he programmed you to feel that way. He raped you and took photos”he is cruel and sadistic.
Who cares how he is with anyone else? You are safe. You survived.
If he really raped and assaulted you,then he really raped and assaulted you. He choose to do it and he did it. That is who he is. You didn’t cause it, you didn’t imagine it. It is the truth.
He will act in whatever way he thinks will work to get what he wants. If he thinks pretending to be nice will give him a payoff, he will pretend to be nice. If he thinks raging and insulting will get him what he wants, he will rage and insult.
There is no way to make sense of it, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change his choices.
Evil exists, and God gives everyone free moral agency. He does not force anyone to choose right or wrong. Some people choose to harm others because they want to. There is only one solution, and that is to have absolutely no contact with people who choose to harm others.
Sociopaths are accomplished liars. If it suits their purposes, they can convince a target that the sun rises in the north and that target will put all of their energy into shouting this new revelation from the rooftops if it suits the sociopath’s purpose.
Your role in his perverted little play is over. Let the other players go on without you. Don’t stand in the wings. You don’t want to go back onto that stage ever again.
NoMoreWool – very well said!
Jenna, please try to stop torturing yourself by talking to others, looking at FB and trying to figure things out. It’s only hurting you.
Please read the articles I posted last night and this morning. She is NOT getting a changed man. It is NOT just you.
Be honest and ask yourself what good all this looking is doing for you. It won’t change anything (you certainly don’t want a rapist back), it won’t make your life any better if somehow you know everyone has abandoned him, and every minute you spend on this is a minute you could have spent on recovering, feeling better about yourself and moving forward.
Trust me. I am an expert.
Jenna
I was the wife once and I got so much evidence right in front of me. I denied it, I believed his crap, his outrageous lies. I mean on his paystub he took 36 hours paid time off and acted like he was going to work. When I noticed he told me the sheriffs dept made a mistake. And I believed it. I believed him when I found empty contaibers of Viagra knowing hd did not use it with me. He brainwashed me.
The others ones believe his crap, they are probably on the “idealization phase”. I think you should just focus on yourself. Don’t give the devil any time.
Kaya48
My spath would never let me see his roster or payslips but that didn’t stop me from hearing about what he was getting up to – I just allowed him to explain it away But now I know it was all true…
I am sure he did. I never caught him though. He was deployed a lot with the army. I later found out he had affairs with female soldiers and other soldiers wives. I just was not there to catch him. The last one , he was very sloppy. I think he wanted to be caught. He exchanged nude pics with the fellow cop on the home computer how stupid is that ? He had profiles on Ashley Maddison and other Cheater websites. I work nightshifts so it was easy for him. Just a loser.
Jenna…
Not sure if this will help, but I, too, exposed the spath I was involved with to his next victim. He had already lied to her, she told me, but as far as I know they are still together. I shared bits and pieces about what he did to me, but she doesn’t even know the half of it. In that conversation I asked her if she wanted to look over her shoulder for the rest of her life, and she said that’s exactly what she didn’t want. I told her that’s exactly what she’ll have though. But according to her, she loved him and he loved her…blah, blah, blah.
The fact of the matter is this…they lie, cheat and manipulate. It’s not just what they do, it’s who they are. If you really think about it, why would you want someone back in your life that does this. You would then be that person looking over your shoulder.
I now date a wonderful man who is the complete opposite of the ex spath. He’s kind, considerate, caring and I trust him immensely. It’s very refreshing. They are out there…you deserve so much better than the idiot you see in the photos.
carolann
He will only know he “got one up on you” if you respond. Follow the good advice you get on here and don’t look at this other woman’s FB page. It is like picking the scab off of a healing wound. The more you pick at it, the larger the scar will be. You have suffered enough, your scars are deep enough. Let go and walk on to something better.
If she lives 5 hours away and can only see him every other week, she is the perfect target for him. Imagine what he can get away with when she’s not around.
It’s very difficult not to run these scenarios through your head, but try hard to focus on something more positive for yourself. Gradually he’ll fade off into the distance. He’s not good for you just like he’s not good for anyone else.
carolann
cannh
SO RIGHT cannh.
My ex conducted his affairs in neighboring towns, they were kept separate. That way they didn’t know that he was cheating with several women, not just him. Why is it that people can KNOW they were HORRIBLE to their ex and think he won’t be that way to them. That’s where my mantra comes from…
“YOU might be different, but HE’S NOT.”
jenna23
It’s standard operating procedure… the sociopath tells them what they want to hear… that we are “crazy” and he needs them to save him from the “crazy” wife or “crazy” girlfriend.
Even you questioned why his wife stayed with him. But a marriage has multiple reasons, not just HIM. And the wife has a LEGAL and moral right to her marriage. It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend connection/dynamic. She might have done the same as you, wondering why you were with him when you knew what he did to her. These sociopaths do hijack our reasoning! We aren’t Crazy, but we are caught in a crazy making world when it’s a sociopath!
Jenna
He is not a changed man. And don’t worry about the other women. They are not special in any way, they are just available. I used to compare myself to his younger mistress (age wise I could be her mother) but you know what his cheating has absolutely nothing to do with me. I could be miss universe and he would still cheat. Cheating is a choice that cowards make . They are not man enough to end a relationship or marriage (I still think either way divorce should never be an option) in a “right” way. They deceive, betray, lie and in the end they demonize you, so they end up the victim. Maybe he got cornered and it got too exhausting to handle all these women , so he started to discard.
When I finally had enough proof ,my ex left. Too exhausting. Then he demonized me, the entire 20 year marriage and that was his way to justify his leaving. I am not sure if they know the truth or if they believe their own lies. Too complicated for me. I stopped trying to figure him a long time ago. He now must get his “ego kibbles” from other sources. Like Hanalei said, I will not give him any ammunition to start a war again. I know this is what he likes but he won’t get it.
Don’t go on Facebook. I know I did the same at first. Did I enjoy seeing pictures of their cruises, dinners , days at the beach ,parties, trips, shopping sprees? No, it was painful. Especially because he left his son without any money , quit paying his college tuition. We managed to survive but I learned that any information about him still causes me pain. So I don’t look for information anymore. I would rather look up things about my pets 🙂
kaya48 and jenna23
One day I FINALLY realized that I could be the perfect wife, the Stepford wife, and he’d still be abusive and cheating and scamming and contemptuous of me. There was NOTHING I could do that would fix my marriage. It wasn’t ME that was destroying US. He is who he is and NOTHING I did/didn’t do made him that way. I didn’t leave after drama. It was a quiet realization and then, simple planning one step at a time because I literally couldn’t think further than one step.
NOW? I don’t look up my ex at all. My time is for planning GOOD things in my life, not regretting that a sociopath who nearly destroyed me is being worshiped by some new victim.
jenna23
What do you think? With his track record, do you think he will ever be faithful? This is a RAPIST!!!!
Jenna you’re feeling this way today because you’re in the process of healing and in looking at the FB pages and talking to your friends about the other woman, you have ripped a bunch of scabs off. It’s too soon. You are far from steady on your feet.
In my opinion, there’s nothing you’re not seeing here, you’re just not accepting what you’re seeing/learning/know.
He hasn’t changed. He doesn’t think he’s found his “soul mate” in her. This is the danger in looking at pictures – you’re making up a story in your head based on what you see when the reality is nowhere near that. We know how their story will end.
You MUST stop obsessing about why she’s with him, what she thinks, what she believes, and what her mental capacity might be. It is really none of your concern. Please pull your focus back onto yourself and your life. Can you do something with your granddaughter today? Maybe take her to the mall or to a movie? Something to give your spinning mind a rest.
He is not committed to being faithful to anyone, so if he happens to not cheat on her for a period of time, it would be for some random reason – not because he is a faithful man.
It’s not possible to predict the future, but you understand his motives so whatever he does or doesn’t do comes from the same motives he has always had.