UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Jenna
The truth is , he probably does not even think about you. A therapist once told me , once they discard you, they “rewrite history” like you never existed. And that includes children. It’s the sad truth.
I know that my ex only thinks about the control and power he lost. He does not think about me or his child. Once I accepted that, I was able to move on with my life.
this is true kaya48
My ex “erased” me, as if we hardly had any contact in all the years of courtship and marriage. He rendered me into a “Nothing”. At the time, my grief was unending. I thought I’d never stop crying. Now, I thank GOD for the blessing. I have such joy in my life, that I know was never possible when I was married.
Well, my friends husband went round to his house this morning a his wife had skied him to do some garden work. He had arranged on Sunday and called last night and left a message to say he was going today.
He turned up at the house, unloaded his tools etc and the spath answered the door and said ” forget it, I don’t want the job doing now”
So friends husband says ” I left a message lAst night to say I was coming”
He shrugged his shoulders and said ” I don’t listen to phone messages”
My friend was telling me and said how furious they are. Her husband had cancelled another job to go to do the work because his wife was keen to get the job done.
I know this isn’t about me and the spath but I think it demonstrates what an idiot he is. He seems to be superstring people all over the place……… Glad I never sent my son for the chair now!!!
Canny
How great to hear that there are other good men out there. I know that I am pretty much recovered from my nightmare but I am definetely not ready for a new relationship. How long did it take you to start dating again? It’s such a scary thought for me.
Hi Kaya….
I was out of the ex spath relationship about a year or so when I met this guy. It’s a very slow going relationship in that we are great friends and take things as they come along. We do not live together and see each other only a few times a week, but talk often. We have deep, interesting conversations about life, relationships, family, friends….conversations that really allow us to understand each other.
I don’t know where this will all end up, but whatever happens, I know he is a true and wonderful friend first.
carolann
Jenna
That is a really tough decision to make. I don’t know what I would do. I know I could have had my ex and his minion both fired,I tslked to internal investigation. But I talked to my attorney about it and he advised me against. I took his advice.
Maybe you should follow a lawyers recommendation. They are experts in what would happen if you did take him to court.
Jenna, I agree that it is a tough decision. You have never said if you filed charges at the time, my guess is that you didn’t. That may play a big role in what you can reasonably do.
My approach was to always do what was in MY overall best interest, and I had a very good attorney who was straight with me and gave me the right advice for my particular situation.
I advise you to speak to both your attorney and therapist before you decide what to do. You need to be absolutely clear on what your motivation and objectives are, and you need to be in the right mental/emotional frame of mind if you do move forward with something. Your attorney and therapist are your best resources in guiding you on this.
Jenna-
86% of rape cases never make it to the prosecutor because people do exactly what you did…. They get a lousy reception, so they back away, instead of fighting for themselves. Law enforcement officers need better training!!
You can read more about that under tonic immobility in by blog #RapeByFraud.
You can be part of the 86% who walk away, or you can be part of the 4% who don’t. It’s your choice. You have two witnesses. That’s more than a great many victims have.
Being part of the 4% does not mean he will be convicted. But it will mean to you that you did what you could to reclaim your power!
I would surely prefer you were empowered than not! But if you move forward you must do so with the understanding that seeking justice, not securing justice, is what will give you your power back. Securing justice is about whether others do their job and whether they come up with proofs that will carry the day. Seeking justice is about YOU!
Joyce
jm_short
This post is a little unfair. It implies that the victim was the reason for failing to get justice.
The truth is, many rape cases don’t make it to court because the prosecutor refuses to take it to trial.
I was nearly murdered. I had a witness, bruises, injuries (temporary and permanent), and testimony. But the prosecutor was building his resume, and they want high profile cases. Or ones they can’t walk away from, like those that are highlighted by the news media. There is VERY LITTLE justice from our court systems for VICTIMS. And people have to weigh that fact and not depend on the prosecution to give them justice. My husband got away with what was done to me. How many victims of Bill Cosby? He’s gotten away with HOW many Rapes?
All is not lost if it doesn’t go to court, there are many LEGAL forms of justice. I think your last paragraph speaks to this dilemma.
NWHSTM-
No- what I’m saying is something we all know, but perhaps didn’t recognize the full extent to which it happens.
People who have been traumatized by the very worst possible defilement they could ever experience, violent rape, walk into the police station to report the harm they went through. Like Jenna, they encounter everything from victim-blaming to shaming and ignorance. They become overwhelmed and believe it is useless to proceed. They walk away feeling re-victimized by the very people who are supposed to be there to help them.
In a recent report on tonic immobility, the ratio of rape cases that were reported to the police, (and many with rape kits,) but never made it to the Prosecutor, was 86%. And, by-the-way, the ratio of cases that actually do make it to the prosecutor and are tried in criminal court, only garner a 30% conviction rate when the offender is known to the victim.
You can link to the report these statistics came from on the Tonic Immobility post on my blog, http://www.rapebyfraud.com. This study was presented at a seminar given by the US Department of Justice.
Joyce
I need to weigh in on this issue. I agree 100% that rapists need to be prosecuted and suffer the consequences. In order to do this, women need to report rapes immediately and follow through. Unfortunately, our law enforcement and legal systems make it uncomfortable and difficult to do this. Even more unfortunately, many women do not follow through because they return to their abusers.
Jenna has stated that criminal prosecution is not an option in her situation, so she intends to pursue it civilly. While I’d like to see all our abusers punished severely for the damage they have done to us, I also know we have to be realistic and above all, not bring further harm to ourselves. We can raise our fists and say “I deserve justice”, but at what cost?
This is an individual choice that each person needs to evaluate carefully taking into account their own set of circumstances, mental and emotional state, and what they stand to lose as well as gain, among other considerations.
I do not agree at all that choosing to “cut our losses” and walk away is choosing to remain a victim, sending a message that we don’t value ourselves, or taking what they dished out weakly. I believe that in some cases it can be the smartest thing we can do to remove ourselves from evil and live again. It can be the smartest thing we can do to protect ourselves from further harm.
In my situation, initially, I was waving my fist and looking for “justice”. My attorney told me that she would be glad to handle a civil suit for me, since she believed that there was a 99% change of me winning the judgement. She also told me that, based on her dealings with my ex, there was a 99% chance of never seeing a penny from him, since he’d never pay. She said many of her clients went forward anyway, for “the principle of the thing”. She also said that her legal fees would likely eat up a good percentage of my “winnings”, winnings that it was likely that I would never see, AND would keep me tied to him forever. She said it was up to me. I thought about it a LONG time.
In the final analysis, I choose to accept my losses and not throw good money after bad, and to finish up what had to be finished with him and let it go. I do not care if he thinks he “won”. On the contrary, even though the loss of the money has been hard on me, it would have been much harder to continue to have him, even peripherally, still in my life. I have been vocal here about my philosophy of letting sleeping dragons lie, if they finally go to sleep and leave us alone. Pursuing something that will cost us, not just financially but emotionally, is something we need to evaluate very carefully for ourselves, at a time when we may not be thinking clearly about what is best for us in the long run, and in the best interest of our recovery. We need to think clearly about our motivation for justice (revenge?) and ask ourselves if what we are doing is noble and pure, or something else.
Justice is not always possible, or palatable to pursue. If one doesn’t choose to pursue it, that doesn’t mean one is accepting, or perpetuating herself as a victim, but rather, that she may be choosing to protect herself from further harm.
I take great exception to anyone who would say that I don’t value myself or that I am saying it was ok for him to do what he did just because I chose not to pursue it legally, when it was certain to bring me further harm.
HanaleiMoon-
Just to clarify-
Jenna did not say that criminal prosecution was not an option.
Joyce
I thought that Jenna had made a comment that because she was unable to pursue her case criminally she was going to look into a civil case. If I didn’t recall that correctly, that would be my mistake. I would always support criminal prosecution.
HM- It’s still a possibility with a new twist that I can’t disclose.
BTW- there’s a petition to support the law on “Sexual Assault by Fraud” on change.org. It would be helpful if everyone here signs it. It’s urgently needed! It only takes half a second.
http://chn.ge/1JOOCes
H Moon,
H Moon,
Thank you for your well written and helpful comment, which says a lot of what I would have written.
I also looked into a civil suit and I considered it, but decided that the cost benefit was not good enough fr a number of reasons given my circumstances and the specific culture/society my ex psychopath operates in. I discerned that the psychopath wouldn’t learn or change – he would create a win for himself by characterizing reality to make himself appear as the victim, etc. as he always does. Spaths seem to ‘win’ every confrontation because they don’t follow normal rules.
I also did not want to intensify my PTSD symptoms.
I chose to put my energy into my recovery, my friends and family, etc. This is the right decision for me, but may not be for others. It is a personal decision and what is best depends on circumstances and the individual survivor.
Joyce, I was not raped and my situation of course was my own. I think I’m a little sensitive since some people were very critical of me for the path I took to not pursue him legally. For me, it was the right choice.
I’m rooting for Jenna (and all of us here).
PS – I signed the petition earlier this week!
H Moon,
I also signed the petition.
I don’t think you’re overly sensitive. Several of us have posted advice to use caution and be open minded to all possibilities with respect to making a decision whether to pursue legal action. We care about Jenna, and want her to feel free to make the best decision for her well being overall.
Annette, you are right in saying it is a personal decision and what is best depends on circumstances and the individual survivor.
When I was going through the worst of the aftermath of the discard, on top of it all I had a variety of “normal” life issues going on that ranged from mere annoyances to semi-disasters (as we all probably do), and I’ve come to think of that time as a kind of boot camp for life. I can honestly say that I did the hard work and have learned so much and I’m still far from done.
At one point I took stock and was overwhelmed with how far I had come, and I ordered an inexpensive silver cuff with a phrase engraved on it that is special to me. The words remind me to be proud of myself, and the delicate script engraving reminds me that I am strong, but not hard. I wear it every day.
Thanks HM and Annette!
And HM, your point is well taken.
JOyce
jm_short
I am one of those people who knows what it is like to be violently raped and know there would be no justice for me. I also know that is true for the majority of rapes. So when I say cases are pursued depending on the WHIM of the prosecutor, I am not expressing opinion, I am expressing Experience. Although my rape happened when I was young, I also live in a city where they were backlogged on 40,000 rape kits. YES. FORTY THOUSAND. All those women did not see justice either.
Justice is rare. Jenna23 deserves justice. But it did sound like you were saying justice for rape victims was because they didn’t follow through, for one reason or another. But I am saying victims DO file reports, give evidence but there was NO justice for them because of the people who are supposed to uphold the law, NOT because the victims didn’t follow up and file proper complaints.
Not-
I’m laying out the statistics that were supported in a recent survey by the US Dept of Justice. The fault doesn’t lie with the victim, but rather with the system that makes victims feel totally invalidated and re-victimized.
86% of cases never get as far as the Prosecutor. Those cases actually get characterized by the system as unsubstantiated or false claims! It’s a pathetic misrepresentation.
Of the 4% of cases that go forward for prosecution, only 30% get convictions. So by combining those numbers, we can estimate that only about 1.33% of rape cases get convictions (when its a known assailant.)
So with those statistics in mind, why should a victim come forward with a violent rape case? I think the answer to that is that it enables them to feel that they can do something to reclaim their power. But they should only do so if they are well aware of the statistics and recognize that convictions are based on proof, not truth or justice. A “Not Guilty” finding does not mean that the person is anything other than a rapist scumbag! Just means there wasn’t sufficient proof to lock them away where they’ll probably suffer the same fate they dished out.
Joyce
jm_short
It’s my opinion that with your statistics, no one would pursue prosecution thinking they are being enabled to reclaim their power. The statistics reveal more failure, more victimization, more disempowerment.
I DO believe in filing to prosecute but if a victim wants justice or empowerment, clearly, statistically, it won’t be found in the court system.
1.33%??? That’s proof that I am right, such justice is rare, like winning the lottery.
jenna23
Sociopaths do enjoy his life as if nothing happened. Bill Cosby has lived this way, I am sure. My rapist and the man who paid him to rape me, lives this way. For sociopaths, because they do NOT FEEL REMORSE live this way. They will NEVER feel remorse. My ex regretted being found out because he had to change his plans but for a sociopath, there is NO vengeance, NO justice. BUT, there are other forms of justice. If a sociopath enjoys controlling and abusing and their victims no longer allow them to control and abuse them, then in fact, they’ve “lost”.
I chose to do things that put more positive in this world… it’s my mission. Sociopaths bring negative and evil. If I bring positive and LOVE others, and do more of it as a consequence to my sociopath, then his evil was the catalyst for MORE GOOD. That’s one of the ways I define my “win”.
I consider your ex as a loser. By telling us here about him, you have “outed” him and we believe you so he is ever more a loser by virtue of who he is. He’s more of a loser than he was before. We all think he’s a loser and in the universe, his being is less than. There are consequences for him and consequences to come. Not instant consequences, but GOD will know him, and those consequences are far worse than any court of man. It’s NOT OVER, Jenna23. I am sorry it’s instant, but the universe is on your side!
Again, she is in her own hell, she is with him. So please don’t condemn her. She knows not what she has done and I promise HE was the reason she has sold her soul to the devil.
I too am praying for your legal path, and hope this act perpetrated on you will be prosecuted and that he can be Bubba’s girl in prison.
Jenna,
I hope that things go well and that the results of any legal action are good for you, and the universe in general; and that you receive some benefit for feeling like you are standing up for yourself. Your therapists advice is valuable.
Try not to expect too much from even a good outcome,though. Justice may make you feel better on some level, but it’s not likely to heal PTSD nor undo the effects of what he did.
In some areas, especially smaller towns, there is a ‘good old boy’ power network that prevents justice of any kind. Those in authority may be crooked and biased and will support and protect criminals.
You can set a positive example for your family, but it’s unlikely the spath will get the message. They don’t change.
Prayers all goes well; it may be difficult but it may work out as a way for you to focus your energy and help you recover in a way.
Jenna-
I don’t know where this will land on this thread, but you asked what people felt about taking legal action against the offender.
Yours is not only a case of emotional abuse. YOU WERE PHYSICALLY RAPED! Yes, you should make every possible attempt to put that bastard behind bars! If you don’t, he will do this again. If you don’t, you will never get your power back.
You need to understand that you may never secure justice for what he did to you. As I have told you, court decisions do not rest on either justice or truth. They rest on PROOF. You have some possible proofs, and the police can explore them and determine whether or not they think they can make a case against this man. It is possible that they can’t. But YOU will never know whether they could or could not until you try. And YOU will never have peace until you know!
Joyce
Jenna
I agree with Joyce but even if nothing comes of justice for you then at least there is a history for any future victims – as is the case for us now…
Getting justice won’t change what happened, just like convicting and sentencing a murderer won’t bring back the victim. Pursuing legal action will be a lot of trouble and heartache for you, for the purpose of doing what is right to try to protect others.
It would probably be an easier path for you to just walk away from the situation and put your time and energy into your own life. It’s a big decision, and you will do what is right for you.
The sad truth is he did what he did and he really hurt you and it is unfair. Your recovery will probably involve you doing some hard work to mitigate the damage he did and to integrate it into your life, to make changes that will protect you and empower you, and to create a good life for yourself based on good relationships with friends, family, and perhaps a romantic partner.
I think Jenna may have peace through another avenue – though some people may feel driven to fight for justice through the criminal system, others may feel it’s best not to. It is really up to the individual.
Though a measure of peace may come through the justice system, the intensification of PTSD symptoms is a downside. Some may feel empowered. It really does vary according to circumstance and the individual.
Will this be prosecuted criminally? If not, why not? That seems like a miscarriage of justice to me if it’s not.
Decades ago, a family member (a minor) was raped and robbed of cash. The case was prosecuted and the victim had no choice about it. The rapists were convicted of ‘contributing to the delinquency of a minor’ which was very upsetting to the victim, as that was not what they did. They raped.
Jenna
I think JM is giving you the best advice here. Your situation is totally different as there was criminal intent included. Most of our stories are a little different. I wish you the strength and courage and I will pray for you.
So true
My ex was one of them.Fortunately you don’t live in his county. He would probably take your ex’s side.
Exactly they stick together. They are arrogant and think they are above God. And yes, cheating, sex parties etc all during their nightshifts. Sickening. And our tax dollars support that crap ‘.
yea it must be in the fire service too. plus he was in the national guard and i am sure had plenty of conquests there too. He is sick and I cant seem to rid myself of him.
sociopaths do like the drama of fires, they are drawn to dangerous jobs because the drama is more intense, and since they don’t feel anything, a normal life with rewards of love and contentment and bonding and making memories and being grateful to others….is boring to them.
NWHSOM
i do agree with this..mine happened to be anywhere and everywhere there was action and he always had a story to tell making him look like the most important person there..reminds me of one time there was a fire outside his building and he ran out there to take pictures…so when he told me this i asked why would you do that..?
he told me he sort of worked for the newspaper and any bit of news he could catch they would pay him for…after three years, not once had he ever mentioned he worked for a newspaper!!! he always seemed to be an interest to everything and everyone around him…
he also was “in charge” as he called it to advertise for a tactic training course for people all over europe..i always believed this was all part of his “mission” work and work involved with govt and military…i really don’t know what he accomplished from these courses, i believe he wanted to make himself feel important for doing this work? i dunno…but like you said, he was always engaged in something exciting and dangerous..
Did you find out about ex husband’s cheating and affairs during your marriage to him?
As you recover, your therapist can help you figure out why you have ended up in relationships with disordered pathological men. The abuse you suffered as a child affects how you think, feel, and how you view others in relationships. You can make changes that will help you feel better and protect yourself. You were not protected and you were not taught how to protect yourself. You were not taught how to recognize a bad man and what bad behavior is. You were not taught what unacceptable behavior towards you is, and to leave someone who is abusing you.
I dont think I really want him but I dont like the way he treats me either. Its always like he is better than me. I am tired of everyone for that matter treating me this way. I dont know what it is about him rebuffing me that gets me so upset like im not good enough. I dont know what he is doing if he is with the wife, with amanda or with someone new. He is extremely secretive and when his phone rings he leaves the room, he is very protective of doing things on the phone bcs he knows i am watching him. why in the world did he agree or offer to be a reference on something for me? Is it me looking into stuff or is this all part of the plan with him. I hate it that I work with him and I wish he was transferred again. it was easier that way.
if he offered or agreed to be a reference for you, he has an ulterior motive. It’s a control thing. Sociopaths ONLY HARM. ps He’s secretive about the phone because he’s scamming you AND the person who called.
Jenna, what you are going through right now with your rumination and questioning effects me deeply because I did the same thing. Much of it was when I was still in the relationship, since he mini-discarded me on a pretty regular basis. Then I did it after the final discard, until I finally “got it”.
I asked things like “why would he have bought the house with me if he was going to leave”, “he’ll miss me and come back, right?”, “whoever he is with won’t treat him as well as I did, right”, and “he’ll realize what he had in me, right?” over and over and over. Then I realized I was trying to make sense of something that would NEVER make sense.
I lost more hours of my life than I did dollars (and I lost a LOT of dollars) asking these questions and trying to figure him out, the other women out, what he meant by this or that, and the reality is, IT DIDN’T MATTER. Because he was off living his life, and the women he was with were living their lives too. It was only me, HanaleiMoon who was sitting at home trying to figure things out, all this on my mind, my head in my hands while they were doing whatever. I now realize that when he was doing all those things, he never gave me a second thought, until he needed something from me again. In the meantime, my life was frozen.
Those are hours, days, weeks, and months that I will never get back. I don’t want that to happen to you. It doesn’t matter what he made you look like. Mine had owned “our” house with me for less than a year before he was engaged to another woman. I’m sure he had to tell her SOMETHING and it’s likely he told her I was mentally ill, a nut case, abusive. I don’t care. I don’t care if he thinks he “won” something over me”in fact, I cultivated the notion that I was devastated, broken and ruined long after I was well on the road to recovery, just in case some intel on me got back to him. I WANTED him to think he got the best of me – that way there was nothing to come back to finish off. I will be struggling with the financial damage maybe the rest of my life, so things are not all rosy up in here, but in my head and heart, I get better every day. And that’s because I am living MY life again. I no longer do things that I know are bad for me.
With regard to him, all I care now is that he stays the f**k away from me.
I have no idea how he treats her. I don’t know anything about her, or their life. I DO know that he is a sociopath, and that he will always be a sociopath, so it is certain that their relationship will follow the idealize – devalue – discard path. It may take years, or it may already be over. I am sorry for her, since it is inevitable that she will be harmed, but it is not my concern.
Hanalei
I so see myself in your comment. Like you I thought that I was a part of his future. Like you I was probable declared crazy, abusier or whatever to his mistress.
He also told me our house was “piece of sh…” He valued absolutely nothing about myself and his son. We were just garbage to him. When he walked out on us and let us fend for ourselves, after he refinanced the house to a monthly amount, that I could never afford , he went off to live his life. Like I said he rewrote history. We just never existed. Off he went to a carribean cruise , sipping champagne.
I also lost hours , weeks and months, sitting at home crying over my lost marriage, crying over my “lost life”. He stole that from me.
I know he will do the same to the next minion. So I am fortunate that I have MY life back just like Hanalei.
jenna
Determine to take your life back and so it shall be.
As for your spath being brought to justice, that is a roll of the dice in my experience.
However, justice can also be found in taking your life back.
Regardless of the outcome of any court involvement, you win anyway by taking your life back.
You will get through this.
Amanda
Davida, you summed up my thoughts perfectly!!