UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Freedom15
Now you know how much pain and tears breaking the no contact will bring. I once broke the no contact with my ex to go to the beach together. Can you believe this ?
I came home as a wreck because once again I gave him the time, opportunity and chance to attack me , to tell me the same as yours “I hate you” to tell me “I don’t love you, I am not in love with you”. And you know what , I asked for it by meeting him .
Cut him completely out of your life. See how vicious he is ,changing his email. Don’t play his game and leave him for his wife to deal with .
Yes, Kaya, I do. I told him last night as I was letting it all out that going without contact with him was the best feeling and then when he emailed me after a week, I caved in.
His ex-wife sent me some of the texts that he sent her. He was using God and what the Bible says and how he was taking steps on the right path, etc. And that that path will lead him back to her.
OMG, he is crazy. Because at the same time he is emailing me saying how perfect I am for him, etc.
Yes, I am cutting him out once again. This time it has to be for good. He has done nothing but destroy me and my self worth. He only hates me because I exposed him. Evil mean person.
I also told his ex-wife that I had been reading a lot. Told her that I had read and found out what he was. I told her that he was a narcissist and psychopath. She told me that she had been reading a lot as well and that he did fit the description.
Freedom
I don’t even think they can hate. They have no emotions. They can’t love it hate. He hates the fact that you exposed him. That’s all. Remember we are just extension of them, we really don’t exist. You can take my word. I have so much power and control now since the no contact for almost 2 years (without breaking it). Now it’s ip to me. I divorced him and he can’t manipulate anymore. If he does my lawyer talks to him.
They just don’t care about us. Believe me. My ex did not when I was in the hospital , he did not care about his only child, he was and still is in his own “perverted fantasy land full of his little sexy minions”. And I truly hope he stays there forever.
I wish you the best going no contact. It’s the only way. I know from experience.
Freedom
One more thing a therapist once told me. “You cannot make him love you” it’s the same as you are telling him to stop breathing. It’s so true.
Thank you, Kaya.
It is strange because even though I went a whole week without contact and I came here and read the posts and read several books, I still went back. I still had to see if really he was what he is. I got confirmation.
His ex also said last night, that she honestly didn’t think that he was concerned about me. That it is always about him.
She is right.
I have a splitting headache. Just going to try and get through the day.
Take it one day at a time. He made his choices and now let him go. It might sound harsh but it’s the truth. I could not see it for the longest but eventually I did. After he tried to file a restraining order against me for emailing him I knew he was capable of about anything. When my lawyer warnedecthat the next thing he would “cook up” would be criminal charges, that was my eye opener. I knew he wanted to destroy me and that’s when I said “enough is enough”. No more.
Take today as your eye opener and let him be.
I will say after the ex said that he was really pissed off last night and the I Hate You email, I was worried about him retaliating against me somehow.
I will not contact him. He did make his choices. I will let him be.
Kaya, Annette, and all the women on this site are so good with advice. I have been reading and following the comments on here. And it makes me cringe. I was there. I was obsessed and confused i wanted to die. There is nothing worse than realizing that you were duped.
My sociopath took a entire year of my life. Not to mention the 6 years i wasted being with him. I hope you all know that it will get better. I am proof. I know it seems like a nightmare but keep writing to lovefraud. Talk to Donna if you want. I did..it helped. I feel so badly to see all the hurt they cause. There is a place in hell for them all
hi taralev
so happy for you being on the positive road to recovery!!
you are proof we can do it! yay for you!
Taralav
Glad you’re ok! You’ve crossed my mind a few times and now you’re back being an inspiration – thank you!
taralav
I am so happy to read your post here. When you dropped off, I was so worried. (sorry, that’s the mommy in me). It’s really hard, isn’t it… to come here wanting advice that will make it better, will make him see that he’s wrong to let go… and the people here tell you that his discard is the BEST thing that could have happened with the kind of monster he is (sociopath), esp when we can see what he is and you don’t know that he is.
I never want to be right when I say someone is a sociopath, but I know… it’s better to know and live because eventually there is a life to be lived, than to be re-victimized by the monster…
Thanks for pointing out that the obsessing and the confusion is NORMAL because we were DUPED by a sociopath! There is a place in hell, the hell that was created for them by them.
Am looking forward to more updates from you sharing the highpoints of your recovery.
Freedom
For the past 15 years of my 20 plus mArriage I had uncontrollably high blood pressure. My ex used to say “what is f*****wrong with you, you need to get your mental state checked out”. Like I had control over hypertension. There was no caring , empathy or nothing.
After the divorce I never had high blood pressure again. Even during the divorce I stayed calm and put together. I now know that he was my husband who brought out the worst behavior in me. He pushed my buttons to the limit and then pushed me over the edge and then blamed me. I now know his plans. Back then I was so brainwashed. I reacted exactly how he wanted me to react.
Taralev
I am so happy for you for bring able to move on. I remember your posts from last year. They were heartbreaking. Like I said, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Dealing with the darkness to get there is hard but it’s just one of many trials we have to go through.
Looking back now I am glad for experiencing this difficult trial in my life. I always compared it to the pain of losing a loved one. Maybe worse because there is no closure. And there will never be an appology, ever. That’s why I stay no contact. I know exactly what would happen if I let my ex back into my life. The first words out of his mouth would be “I had to leave because you are a crazy, mental b****”. Do I really want to go back to that? No way.
When I went to my yearly back in August, my GYN told me that my blood pressure was extremely high. She took me off of birth control and implanted an IUD to see if that was the problem. After being off the birth control for over a month, my blood pressure still was not lower. This was the first time that I had ever had a problem with my blood pressure. And I am attributing it to him.
I just downloaded Donna’s book. It amazes me what I have gotten myself into. Reading the book is like reading my life for the past 2 years.
I just remembered something that happened over a year ago after a discard. He called me after a 2 week shutoff, crying and saying that he was sick. That he had been to the doctor and could have possible blood cancer. He told me that he couldn’t not tell me what was going on. He wanted me to know. I took him back (even though he was still married at the time) and told him that I would do whatever while he went through it. Of course, he went to the dr a few weeks later and he was fine. No cancer. Now, I realize that it was just a ploy.
freedom15
during my three years with the N i was always stressed and started having an abnormal heart rate until one day it went through the roof beating uncontrollably , i was hospitalized and had to have a procedure done to make it continue normally. i was in the hospital for a week. i was fine but just to say all the stress that i always had…was i going to hear from him, was he lying about the latest thing i found on him, what was he doing, is he doing something with someone…it all consumed me and it got to be so much pressure my heart went bonkers…that should have been my wake up call but i continued for a couple more years…and for some reason whatever happens to them is a tragedy but when its us, who cares? they don’t thats for sure.
Janedoe and freedom
I was hospitalized 2 weeks ago with an accelerated heart beat and pounding in my ears, turns out I’m as fit and healthy as a 20 yr old athlete but… This is how they control your life – one of the biggest wake up calls for me ever! If I’ve got my health then I’ve got everything, I just wish I’d seen that earlier…
Undertheradar: I am glad that you are okay. I feel like I have been put through the ringer with him. I have lost weight, I purge because I’m nervous all the time, my heart rate is high and then there is the depression when the discard happens.
Right now, I want to scream and beat the ever loving crap out of him. Of course, I won’t.
Undertheradar
I takes a scary situation like this health scare I make us see our priorities doesn’t it?
Glad you’re ok
Freedom
I got sucked back in 2 weeks ago with a suspected stroke… I even paid to take him to the Dr! Next day there was nothing wrong with him…
And I didn’t see it then. I thought, oh no, he is sick. He could die. I can’t not be with him while he’s going through this.
That is just sickening that a person can do that!
When he called that night and after telling me he was “sick”, he said, I am glad that you answered. I didn’t want to leave that kind of message on your voicemail.
Freedom
They are sick alright! Sick in the head!!!
So true.
freedom15
after reading your posts i have to thank you…today i woke with a sudden urge to email the N and let him have it….i saw myself in your post and i thought “wow he really is a SOB this guy” between emailing you and his ex and asking you both to take him back…this really hit close to home
i too have a similar history with mine…we started seeing each other 3-4 years ago long distance…from the very beginning i always found strange things about him either lying, cheating, different identities on different social sites etc.. i confronted him way back then and i fell for his lies..fast forward to last year…my suspicions were really confirmed when he told me he had met a very young girl from a far away country and they were marrying…i got so sick i lost 20 pounds. he remained in his country, i remained in mine and she stayed in hers…perfect set up for a liar..!! all along he told me the wedding wasn’t happening, he didn’t care for her and he bashed her and put her down continually making me believe all contact with them was finished and he and i were continuing. we saw each other often and spoke many times a day. last spring we went on vacation together and it was beautiful but something was nagging me inside..i still didn’t trust this other girls situation..i asked him and he told me “yes they were in touch and she was pursuing him and he doubted very strongly they were ever going to be together..” still it left me questionable…vacation continued and we went back to our homes..i hadn’t heard from him for a few days after that and when i did…he told me he was marrying this girl.. what???? after all the awful things he said about her, he was still marrying her?? i had never heard of a narc or sociopath up to that point…i started reading aond coming on here, getting super advice and it led me on my way to recovery…
he contacted me at xmas apologizing profusely for what he’d done and he regretted marrying this girl who was 30 years younger. he wanted to see me again…being the first time in four months i hadn’t broken NC i fell for his stories…after telling me how much he regretted losing me and everything a love bomber could say, he contacted me the very next day and took it all back saying his wife is a good girl and didtn want to hurt her…ok i thought he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t trying to make his marriage work and he changed his mind overbite?? i proceeded to tell him about our last vacation i had thought i had gotten pregnant but it was a false alarm and he responded back quite cruelly…saying i was trying to make him feel guilty by telling him this and was my way to make sure he stays in touch with me…WOW i couldn’t believe what a d**k he was…
so here i am NC again, its a little easier because i now know what he’s done, but the idiot hasn’t contacted me since…i almost fell for that s**t of him regretting his marriage and wanting me back…suddenly i am not a priority anymore…
unfortunately this happened to you as well in a different way, but i want to thank you for posting that story because its stories like these that open our eyes when we want to break that NC.
we have to stick together because we can do this with everyones perspective and stories…we are just beginning this long road of recovery and its hard as hell and i am still suffering..i only discuss this on here, not in my life with family and friends because they haven’t experienced this and don’t give the same advice…
you can continue the NC just keep reading and writing as i do…i appreciate writing my stories over and over again to people who understand 😉 keep the faith
Jane, I am glad that my post made you stop and think. That is why I had to post today. I had to get it out of my system again. I had to let everything out.
He was emailing me yesterday telling me how he can’t wait to see me and at the same time texting his ex-wife saying he wanted to get back with her. And when she called him and told him that she and I were talking, he got mad. Emailed me and said I Hate You and promptly deleted the email account. He just wanted me to take another discard and move on. Nope, wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t want his world rocked.
And I am thankful for this site. I was so embarrassed last week when I broke NC. I continued to read the posts but I kept thinking…maybe this time…. Well maybe this time was just like every other time. It ended the exact same way. I am very upset with myself right now. I am trying to fight back the tears. Not being very productive at work today. Thank goodness that can work on projects at my own speed.
I am reading Donna’s book. I can relate to a lot of it. It is like my life on paper.
NC is the only way to go.
Elsa
Yep just like you I feel “he must hate me” If he hasn’t responded
It pisses me off that they just can’t be normal!! Who ignores a simple “hello”?
I don’t think they hate us I just think they don’t think of it as anything..no emotion, no reaction, maybe? It’s hard not to take it personal, I understand you
elsa
good for you with the NC…it does get easier because each time NC is broken they seem less and less appealing to us!!!
when you mentioned you texted him “hi” i was curious to see if he’d respond…just like mine from the last time a couple wks ago…nothing
to me that is a continuation of how pathetic they are…he knows he should respond and say hi to you like a normal person…but it proves that he is not a normal person by ignoring you and its he who has the problem…not you
It just makes me think how much he must detest me to not even be able to say hi.
Elsa, based on everything I’ve read and my own experience, they do not feel emotions such as love or hate, so it’s doubtful that he detests you. It’s likely that he feels nothing at all. I know that hurts just as much, but it’s reality. If he feels anything at all, its that he has no use for you at this time. They have a variety of women and pursuits in process at all times, and as time passes, some float to the top, some get put on the back burner, some are stirred here and there, depending on their whim and need at the moment.
A lot of us, me included, suffered a lot of heartache and lost time thinking about what they might feel when they felt nothing at all. You have a marriage, a business and a home that has been relatively untouched by this monster, and you will be lucky if he has so much going on to keep him busy that he has no time to think of you again. You are a very lucky girl, in my opinion!
I feel very humbled to have “met” you all, so far away, yet so ready to help and share your experiences.
My husband knows an awful lot more about my “relationship” with the spath than his wide knows about it. I am glad about that. But, oh how I would love to pull the rug from underneath him.
My friend ( who had dealings with him earlier this week) said today that he is an arrogant pig. Yeah, he is…… And much more!
You know, I used to be sad at the thought of him going off to Cambodia. Now I wish he would get a first class ticket!! But, he told me when I first for to know him he was going , probably within a month or two. Then after a while, I realised he hadn’t shared this info with his wife. And he is still here, with no sign of an exit!!
And his woman has sickened of waiting for him to join here.
Oh, what a sad life!!
He was probably lying about going to Cambodia. Spaths are pathological liars.
Elsa, I am thinking that by saying I think you’re lucky it might sound like I’m minimizing how you feel and what you’re going through and that’s not the case, so I feel like I should clarify. In my case, my ex pulled basically what your friend is doing to you multiple times during our relationship. He always came back, until the final discard when he pulled the rug out from under my entire life, and I am not exaggerating. If he had not responded to me, or come sweet talking back to me at any one of those times prior to the final discard, my life would still be intact. I WISH he would have ignored me sooner. It would have been hard on me for sure, but I would still have my career, my home, my financial stability. That is why I think you’re lucky…
Hi HM
Don’t worry!
I feel very lucky too and feel almost a fraud myself bein here amongst so many people who have suffered so much more horrendously than I have.
I am sensitive by nature. He used to say he knew that, he once said “you are far too sensitive for me”…… He was right!
I have no idea if he will reappear on the horizon of my life. I know I will see him at some point, it’s just when and knowing it will be unexpected!!
HM, I get what you are saying that Elsa is lucky. I feel that in a sense I am lucky as well. Mine doesn’t live with me, he hasn’t drained me financially, he has no hold on my family, we do not have children together and I can walk away and never have to see or deal with him again and still have those parts of my life intact. I am lucky in that sense.
He doesn’t detest you. He is playing games with you.
Well, he can play alone. Next time he comes calling ( if he doe, I am not convinced) he can swing!
You are doing a good job protecting yourself! Keep in mind that spaths tend to return when the survivor is vulnerable in some way and they have a way of blindsiding the survivor. Many of us have been surprised that we caved when our guard was down and the spath came up with something appearing new and different to make us think they have changed or need us or whatever it takes to hook us.
Stay vigilant and aware that he may come up with a new tactic when you least expect it. Never forget that all interactions with a spath turn out negative for the target.
Absolutely right AnnettePK
He’s mindfking her.
Remember sociopaths are control freaks. They want to control their victims. Giving you something you want, even a hello? That’s giving UP control. They’ll want you to beg for it, so that when they decide to give you that tiny little crumb, they’ll have you back under control.
REALLLLLLLYYY. Discard is the BEST thing a sociopath can give you. It means a chance at having a LIFE.
NotWhathesaid,
This is what was done to me. He said he was done with wife and then went back then came back to me after he was playing me the whole time and with someone else. And yes just to have him play the game with me (dice game) and for him to say hi or even think of me i would melt and think he liked me again. I know now i was just a toy and sex to him. it was the cat and mouse game. I never meant a thing and he still interacts with me. I unfortunately work with him and it is painful to see him. I can see now how i feel into this trap i just wish i could get out. this has been the hardest relationship to get out of.
NotWhathesaid,
This is what was done to me. He said he was done with wife and then went back then came back to me after he was playing me the whole time and with someone else. And yes just to have him play the game with me (dice game) and for him to say hi or even think of me i would melt and think he liked me again. I know now i was just a toy and sex to him. it was the cat and mouse game. I never meant a thing and he still interacts with me. I unfortunately work with him and it is painful to see him. I can see now how i feel into this trap i just wish i could get out. this has been the hardest relationship to ge
NotWhathesaid,
This is what was done to me. He said he was done with wife and then went back then came back to me after he was playing me the whole time and with someone else. And yes just to have him play the game with me (dice game) and for him to say hi or even think of me i would melt and think he liked me again. I know now i was just a toy and sex to him. it was the cat and mouse game. I never meant a thing and he still interacts with me. I unfortunately work with him and it is painful to see him. I can see now how i feel into this trap i just wish i could get out. this has been the hardest relationship to get out of.
Jane
Like you I cannot discuss my nightmare with anyone. They just don’t understand how it was being married to this evil man for almost a quarter century. Only my lawyer and one close friend know what my ex is. My boss and one co worker. I still don’t discuss it with them.
It’s difficult for other people to believe this. Many of my friends say “oh he is sti the father if your only child.” He is not because a father would not put his family through this. He would never put his selfish needs, his strange porn addiction before the welfare of his family. My ex is a narcissist/sociopath. And there is no other label for him. To me it’s enough that my son and I realize that. The “others”can just think whatever they want. They would not understand.
Only my best friend knows about him and what he is and what he has done. I am pretty sure that his ex-wife does as well. We discussed it a bit last night. He has a grown son who knows about all the lies that he has told over the last several years. He lied to his son’s face as well to his ex’s face. She told me last night that she asked him Saturday how he can look her in the eyes and lie to her. His response…I don’t know. I left his place that morning and a few hours later, he was at her place.
Kaya
When this all started happening with me I confided in two good friends and though they were helpful the first or second time we discussed it they eventually told me “just sop talking about it, he’s a jerk anyway”
I tried to explain to them if you have not been through this you will not understand. I decided it best not to speak about it further and when it’s brought up the very rare times by them now, I just respond I do not want to speak about it because it doesn’t help when I think and speak about it.
Like an alcoholic, drug addict or anyway in a vulnerable position, unless we have been there, we simply can’t give advice or understand what they are going through, hence why I love this site 🙂
janedoe, you’re so right. My friends disagreed with how I handled everything, because they couldn’t appreciate that I felt doing it any other way would be asking for more harm. They were disgusted with me because they thought I “let him get away” with things. Worst of all, I think, was they all told me it would NEVER have happened to them.
They thought I was weak. They have NO idea how strong I was, and how strong I am.
When a kind word would have meant the world to me, would have kept me going, really, all I got was criticism or, mostly, ignored. They all fell by the wayside, one by one. It still stings, but that is fading too.
I know who I am, and my very tiny group of new friends does too.
HM
exactly! I know as a true friend I could never take a friends issues and just dismiss them and tell them to get over it. I don’t know if it makes me more sympathetic than my friends? As much as I wouldn’t have wanted to monopolize their every move with my issues, I was a bit hurt as to how they almost ridiculed me that I landed a person like this, and how I settled for anyone and thy would never be caught in the same situation as I had.
One friend in particular had a problem and she said the same comment to me ” if a person hasn’t ever gone through what I’m going through they can’t say they understand” and I completely understood her, but when I had said that to her at the time we were speaking about my problem, it was almost as though it wasn’t worth talking about so just move on…
janedoe, I think the same qualities that make us attractive to sociopaths make us good friends: compassion, patience, loyalty, empathy. generosity, giving, caring. We listen, really listen to other people. Not just listen to ourselves.
What I found out was that I thought these were reciprocated but when the chips were down, the people I was invested in weren’t invested in me. Some of them I had done a lot for. I wasn’t even asking for much – not money, not physical help, not a crying towel, really just to keep in touch. It makes me feel sad to say it, but all I really asked for was for them to check in with me once in awhile so I knew I wasn’t totally alone. Was it really a burden to respond to a text or an email? I guess it was.
I tried being honest with the ones who meant the most to me and got an earful about how unreasonable I was being.
Someone here (NWHSOM I think) commented that most people are satisfied with superficial friendships and I tend to agree now. I know not everyone is like that but it’s just another lesson in life that we have to be more discerning to who we share our treasures with.
I’m so sorry you felt ridiculed. I would never have done that to a friend.
HanaleiMoon
Yes, I did say that about people being satisfied with shallow friendships. Sad, isn’t it. No real connection. And sometimes I would like to stop having to hide my vulnerability and just relax. I have had times with friends where we split a bottle of wine and spilled our guts. But seems we must be drunk so we can excuse our vulnerability the next day, and not be seen as “weak” for not being hardasses.
Janedoe
It was one of my childhood lessons – to care whether I knew what they were going through or not! I’m not that tolerant of hypocrites anymore…
Hanalei
I’m hearing ya! Just a phone call would be nice, return mine or return my text, I’m the one going through the crap so why is it I’m the one doing all the contacting? God, if your life is that bad then swap!
Undertheradar, I got a holiday email from one of the past friends. The last time I heard from her was last years holiday email. She said she had looked up my house listing on Trulia and saw that it had sold and how low the selling price was and that she knew that must have been a devastating blow to me to lose so much money but hey look on the bright side! She went on to talk about how successful her new company is, how bright and shiny her kids are, how wonderful her whole house remodel went, her husband got a raise and what trip they are going on next. I’m sure they are all pooping rainbow sugar cane.
Thank you ex-friend, for not having enough interest in me to shoot me a text or call and chat once in a year, but having enough interest to check up on how bad I’m doing via public record. Nice.
Freedom
How I love this answer “I don’t know “. It was my ex’s most favorite reply to any questions. In court he changed it to “I don’t recall “. You know what ? It’s the typical answer of a cowardly liar. Once I asked “why did you put naked pics on the home computer ?” “I don’t know” was the answer.
What a jerk this guy of yours. The ex wife can be glad she is the ex.
Yes, she can. But I have wondered if she would take him back at times. He treats her like he treats me. When she wasn’t giving him the time of day, he was with me. I learned this last night. And when he would dump me when he thought he had another chance with her. Vicious cycle.