UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Freedom, Elsa
You will never get a “I am sorry for what I have done”, ever. To this day my ex blames me for his affairs, for “destroying the marriage”. At the beginning he said well, I will take 20 percent blame. Whatever , he is distorted in his mind. I am not sure how he functions on a daily base. This is a highly intelligent man with a maters degree, retired us army and a cop. But his mind races around sex 24/7. And it has always been like this. I was punished with silent treatment if I was too tired for sex after working nightshifts. I was called “old and boring” for not being available for sex 24/7. The end result is that he went outside the marriage for his own satisfaction. He cannot take any blame, why should he? He thinks he is higher than God and how dare does his ex family ignore him now. I know 100 percent he is not happy , even with all the hot , perverted sex with his minions. And now I can regonize this as my victory. And only “no contact” got me here today where I am at.
Kaya,
You may have been set up. He decided he was going outside the marriage first, or he already was committing adultery. Then he created arguments, hostility, impossible expectations, so that he could blame you for going outside the marriage. He gets satisfaction from harming others, lying and deceiving, and feelings of power and control he gets from doing these things. Compare to the feelings of accomplishment and self control a good man gets from serving, providing and protecting his wife and family.
kaya
this is where i get so mixed up…we hear that they will never say sorry for what they’ve done…
what about when they do?? i had mentioned before at xmas mine had emailed me apologizing for the way he acted on impulse and married someone who doesn’t appeal to him any longer…
ok…he did said all that and then took back the promises the very next day..but he still went on to say he was sorry for his actions…i wish he hadn’t done that. it doesn’t make the situation any better, absolutely not, he still is considered some sort of disordered person for doing what he did, but WHY apologize?
it is odd though how he will put down the woman he married and within hours almost take back all he said about her claiming she is a good girl…wtf is that for? i have probably asked this over and over but it continues to get me each time i think of it
Jane, mine did the same thing. He would discard me only to email me (at a time of his choosing) to say that he was so sorry. That he loved me, etc, etc. He would end the emails with “I know that I shouldn’t press send but forgive me”. EVERY TIME!
He does this with his ex-wife as well. He tells her that he is so sorry, he has made a mistake, he wants her back, etc, etc.
It is a vicious cycle. It is sickening.
If I ever get another email from him, I know that it will say the same thing. BUT this time, I am in no way going to respond! NC is the only way to go.
freedom
thats exactly where i start to think “but maybe..he isn’t a disordered man”
because if they aren’t supposed to apologize but then they do, it just throws me a curveball…why are they apologizing??
mine always apologized for the hurt he has caused and there has been many cases of lying and cheating and conniving…i don’t say that his apologies are sincere, but they sure as hell sound it…i guess they are great actors…
oh…as one of his many careers he has done partime acting in small, unimportant movie roles…just to make the odd buck…yuck he thinks he is so great…
but i still fall hard each time…yes NC is the only way
I have thought the exact same things. Throws me every time. They are apologizing because they know that we take them back. We have proven that we take them back. All they have to say is I am sorry, I love you, I want you, blah blah blah!
I have fallen over and over again.
BUT not this time!
If an apology is not sincere, then it is a lie.
janedoe
I had one of those moments of clarity, where I knew the truth about a certain situation, and I let my ex speak without telling him what I knew. I didn’t show him my feelings at the time, but I was crushed as he spoke to me, softly and with such sincere tenderness and love yet I knew EVERY SINGLE WORD was a LIE. I ran away that night, I couldn’t face him knowing what I did. I cried ALL NIGHT LONG and then came home the next day. HIS response? That I made him lie by asking the question.
The thing is, when he was lying, I had taken an emotional step back and just observed him. I LOOKED HARD for a clue, some THING that would tell me when he was lying so I could apply it to future conversations. There was NOTHING.
It took years, and this LF site for me to understand what was happening at that moment. Ya see, when they have NO CONSCIENCE, they aren’t pretending, they are able to be sincere even in telling ALL LIES. Because the truth is whatever they say it is. And when I outed my husband for his LIES, he blamed me. If I wasn’t such a “difficult woman”, he wouldn’t have lied. Isn’t that nice? It was ETHICAL for him to lie. And I was his adversary versus his ethical self.
EVERYTHING for a sociopath is adversarial. SO… Every word and behavior is ethical in their minds… they HAVE TO WIN against the adversary… which I came to realize was how he thought of me, his adversary, and why there was never going to be a solution to our disconnect…. because our disconnect WAS HIS SOLUTION!!
“Because the truth is whatever they say it is”.
So true!!!
It is so creepy that it’s like there is a master play book that they all use.
They are lying when they apologize. They don’t mean it, they say it to deceive a victim into acting as if he will change. My ex P apologized in words and then continued to do what he said he was sorry for and always retracted his fake ‘apology.’
annette
yep exactly that takes place…
but if we question it and say “you have apologized before and you will just do it again” if they know what we think…why do they do it again?
i suppose they figure once we stop forgiving they will just seek another woman
I agree with your assessment. They do it again and again because they can and because they like to see others suffer. It makes then feel powerful and have control over others. When a victim won’t interact with them any more and won’t play their games, they just move on to another victim.
I love the change in apology when you talk to them about it later on – denial and a whole heap of stuff comes out to throw you off, not anymore!
underttheradar
yeh their whole story seems to take on a different light, when its brought up later..how are things for you going?
Not,
This is such an excellent description and analysis. I can so relate to the despair and pain you felt and the tears you shed.
Spaths pass lie detector tests when they are lying.
Just recently I received a letter. “I am crying every night sitting in my appartment missing my son”. Does he honestly believe we care about if hd cries or not? He is trying the sympathy card and it’s not working. What are his fake tears compared to my 20 year long crying? Me sitting in my “hiding closet”? Nothing. I don’t even think he is capable of crying. There goes the note, in a folder named “evil”, just in case my lawyer needs it someday.
Kaya
My x-spath, in his “kinder” and “gentler” days used to say: “Oh, cry me a river!!!” And, “Get over it!”
It has been said,– I think in “The Sociopath Next Door” — that the “pity-play” is the most distinguishing characteristic of the sociopath.
It was/still is my xspaths best card. They do have a lot of cards despite the fact that they don’t have a full deck.
Mr. America cut off college tuition, had your son have to go to court (to defend his mother against him!) before a major exam…not to mention the years of endless of emotional abuse, prior…and, now he’s crying that he doesn’t get to see his son. Oh, pleeeasssse! Give me a break.
They can make you CRAZY. They are like the Tasmanian devil — just a whirlwind of chaos and crazy everywhere they go.
There is no low that they won’t stoop to. And, they are tireless, making new records every day.
If he cared about his son and valued their relationship, he would have done differently from the beginning.
They can’t connect the dots.
Didn’t we learn how to do that back in pre-kindergarten?
My ex P liked to connect the dots in nonsense ways. He knew right from wrong. He just didn’t care.
He is lying, and it can be frustrating and infuriating. He doesn’t care if you care, he just wants to blame you and to deceive you into being exploited by him, if possible.
Typical PityPlay. I-I-I and me-me-me. Boohoo for me.
“Somebody did this to poor widdle me and I had NO control over any of it. Somebody jumped inside my body and made me put my penis in her, and they jumped inside me again and made me neglect and ridicule my son and my wife.”
“And if my wife and son weren’t so cold hearted towards my poor widdle feelings when they forced me to abuse them, then we’d all be together.” Together, except for those times of course, the times that my wife FORCED me to put her in a mental eval hold.”
kaya48
My ex MURDERED animals, to “teach them not to make him mad”. He actually said they forced him to do that. He took NO responsibility for anything. And when I reported my near murder, the county deputy who took the report did it in such a way that they got away with it. The deputy decided I “deserved” it or else they wouldn’t have done that to me.
I have learned to ridicule them back… the poor widdle manboys who torture kittens and rabbits and anyone stupid enough to care about them. The Brits have a great term for it…Wankers.
Sane thank you. I will print out your comment as a reminder of how far I have come. Yes, poor Cpt America is crying. He can cry as much as he wants to. He will never gain access to my life again. Do they not know what they put us through? I guess it’s just so normal for them they don’t recognize it.
How can he inflict so much pain on my son and then expect mercy? Unbelievable.
Yep, you cut the strings. 🙂
But, Cpt. America still thinks he’s Mr. Master Puppeteer and that he still has “got it” — fool. Well, maybe there are those 20somethings who are so naïve as to take the bait. But, hey…been there, done that and it STINKS.
It reminds me of Satan. You kick him out, throw out his stuff and barricade the house; but, he keeps comin’ round to see if there is a crack somewhere.
Anette
You are so right, thank you. I know he is lying and he can cry as much as he wants to. I know he doesn’t because tears are being weak for him. And he will never show any weakness. I am so glad he lives in a different county, no chance to run into him.
Exactly, he would have never put his only child through this from the beginning. But he did not care . It was always about him only. He can do whatever he wants. It’s none of my concern. I am so grateful I can finally recognize and reject his manipulation.
HM
i too, would never have ridiculed anyone for something they have come to me for, for advice, or when they were hurting…espeically close friends..never
i learned from that experience who i can tell what to. some people if they can’t relate to our issues they don’t know what to say and don’t want to help us…
like i mentioned when asked by someone close to me, how things are going, or have i heard anything…i do not mention anything, i simply would rather deal with it on my own than get someone to say..”ugh he is an idiot or don’t be foolish or i would never let that happen, how could you be so dumb”
and when i say “if you lived it you would know” i really don’t think they want to bother because they consider it a ridiculous situation, according to them….
What is interesting is to give the sociopath an unexpected reaction to the manipulation.
You find your husband cheating on you, expected reaction is some sort of distress – anger, crying, hurt feelings. If you react as if you don’t care or better yet, encourage him to take it somewhere else while you take a break then he doesn’t quite know how to manipulate you and will need to take time to reassess.
I have tried similar tactics (different situation) with a sociopath specifically to break behavior patterns and it served to escalate the discard and allow me to escape.
Elsa
I agree with jan7. Don’t focus or think or dream about seeing him again. It takes your energy away to forget about him.
I did the same after I was discarded by my ex husband. All I was thinking about was meeting him, seeing him. For what ? When I did I was once again reduced to nothing. Like trash. He already threw me away Why did I make myself an”option” to him? I should have never been an option because I was his wife.
Elsa,
You are both married. And I can see your emotional attachment to him leading to an affair. Do you really want to risk your marriage and everything for a loser /liar ?
The consequence would probably devastating and once you cross this line , there is no going back. Please consider your husbands pain if you would end up with that jerk. Do you have children? Think about how much pain you would inflict on them. Nothing would be the same again, ever .
Clearly, it already is an emotional affair, Elsa had become emotionally attached to him. I am hoping with awareness and the love of her husband that Elsa finds her way back. This is a typical manipulation of married sociopaths, they instigate affairs by saying it’s just a friendship, so they can blame the other woman and avoid being held accountable by the wife when it’s discovered.
It makes me wonder how many people thought I had no problem with my husband cheating on me, when in truth, I had NO CLUE. I was isolated, our social group was very small and they were all loyal to my ex. My husband refused to have married couples in our social group, except for his cousin and wife who hated me with a voraciousness that perplexed me. I know my ex explained a lot of it by saying people were jealous, and I believed him because of their bizarre aggressive behavior towards me. I had done NOTHING to warrant such hostility.
elsa
that is incredible that he has hidden this from his wife…she has no idea he is sending this poor woman in cambodia money?
i act shocked, but do we really know how many more there are, or how many kids they have that perhaps they don’t even know about???
he probably tells the woman in cambodia horrible stories about his wife and makes her believe she is the only important one in his life…they do not care at all who they put at risk…i get more disgusted with each story..i just wish my eyes were open wider when i first met mine. he sounds a lot like yours and thankfully, you weren’t sexually involved..
mine is 60, a very immature 60 year old loser…
It’s a possibility that there’s no woman in Cambodia at all, he’s just made it all up. Or there are 2 women in the next town over. That his wife knows everything and has her own reasons for staying with him. All we know for sure is that Elsa got away in time!
HM
did your friend really need to gloat??
perhaps she has some N traits too…”its all about me, me, me!”
Janedoe, right?? It just gets to me that she knew my house was on the market (I told her) and she couldn’t even drop me a line and ask how it was going in the 11 months it was on the market but she could go online and search the info out. And then tell me that’s what she did!!
We are in the same profession and before all this happened, I held a much higher position than she did, and maybe she’s glad I was taken down a peg. Over the years, I was able to send a lot of work her way and make her look very good to her boss, but it’s rare that women support women. I always said “what can I do to help” but it’s rarely been said to me.
Time is serving to orbit me away in a new direction that overlaps with these people from the past less and less. That’s a good thing.
am on the same bandwagon as janedoe,
Your friend sounds so self absorbed that my thought was “narcissist”, twofaced to gain advantages with no obligation to reciprocity.
I knew someone who kept telling me she was my friend and believed in paying it forward. Only, every time she claimed to pay it forward, I got the shaft. I finally woke up and quit giving her so much slack, unfriended her on fb and ya know… that made me feel like less of a weenie.
Why is it that we don’t end bad relationships until we really feel damaged? Why can’t we see that if it’s unhealthy, it’s okay to push people to the outside of our inner circle? Part of the reason I stayed so long with my ex is that he didn’t hit me so I kept thinking it would get better. I had NO CLUE about emotional battery.
NWHSOM, you hit the nail on the head “two-faced to gain advantages with no obligation to reciprocity”. Behaving like that is not something that would ever enter my mind, so, I’ve realized that a part of this whole process has been for me to look at what I put up with in non-romantic relationships too.
This particular woman has started the last THREE holiday emails with the sentence “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be there for you as much as I wish this year”. The EXACT same sentence. She hasn’t been there for me at all! I think the last time I spoke to her on the phone was early 2013. It’s just so insincere.
I do know that not everyone is like that. I met nice people in the new state. When I said I have to (insert distasteful chore) this weekend, people who would say hey why don’t I stop by and help you we can knock that out fast. People who extended invitations and accepted invitations. People who actually say hey were were going to go do this and thought you’d like it – want to come?
I used to be a tail wagging golden retriever! Hopefully I’ve learned to be more discerning.
HM
the same three beginnings each time in each email sounds EXACTLY how my ex starts each and every message to me…like its scripted…they have it prepared in advance for their wrongdoings..i tell him that all the time
you mentioned you and this woman worked together years ago and there was a bit of conflict back then? she is envious of you and is very insecure it seems so she needs it to be all about her…
she sounds like she is competing with your life that she must envy…
this is definitely not a person you would want to share time with and confide with anymore…we have to learn the hard way, but i prefer sticking to this site where people understand and don’t judge us…god knows my friends have judged me and thought negative things of me during this ordeal and i am not the person they perceive, i am a good person and so are YOU!!!
My ex used to say ” I have to lie to you because you cannot handle the truth. ” and I ended up apologizing for questioning him. His favorite saying was “I could have cheated on you and you would have never known”. I thought this was normal to say to his wife.
Isn’t it awesome not to be taken for granted anymore? To be lied to , abused and cheated on. In the end I was thrown out like garbage anyhow. Little did I know that he gave me the greatest gift. He gave me my life and freedom.
Those minions have no idea what they see in Cpt America.
Kaya
So it was YOUR fault that he lied to you.
Why did you do that to that poor man? LOL. Ha Ha Ha.
They are SHAMELESS.