UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Sane
Yes, remember EVERYTHING was my fault. Even when it was too windy to fish at the beach. Even when his car broke down, when he did not get his last promotion in the Army. Even the fact he had to leave the family. I was “mentally insane ” that’s why he had to leave.
Shameless, so true. But I could not see it until he was out of my daily life. And even then he took me 3 months to start the no contact.
And I am sure he still blames the evil ex wife now that the son won’t have nothing to do with him. I can hear him say to one of those minions “oh that ex wife of mine , she was so crazy , she should have been committed or locked away, she was so nagging and boring , and that short hair of hers. I had to leave her , what else should I have done, I tried for over 20 years””. Haha. He is such an idiot .
Kaya
I am a little confused. Cpt. America was supposed to be super cop, super-man, super-stud, super-GOD. You know…capable of anything and everything. All powerful, God’s gift to women, to the planet…
And, yet you are to blame for the weather. Hmmm. Isn’t that God’s realm? I mean if Cpt. America was so all powerful, why didn’t he control that problem?
But, as for the car, of course you should have been on top of that! You are supposed to be a mind-reader, a mechanic, an accountant and omniscient — in short: God.
So, I am confused again. I mean, if he is Cpt. America (his Clark Kent persona for Super-God) then how come he didn’t fix that problem?
It is confusing.
Then about that promotion that YOU LOST for him! How could you? I mean Cpt. America is SO WONDERFUL and such a GOOD employee and so FAITHFUL…well, he is too good for that…he shouldn’t even have to work. That is beneath his dignity for sure.
But, I am still confused. If he is all-powerful Cpt. America (aka God), how could anyone take anything from him? At any rate, it was so not nice of you to do that to Cpt. Perfect in Every Way. How could you? (extreme sarcasm).
Mentally insane, eh? Hmmm. That is a classic case of projection. The amazing thing is that he did not succeed in driving you stark raving mad. Just writing about these crazinesses has started to threaten my equilibrium.
I need to take a break…
Sure, he will blame anyone he can. But, not everyone is listening to him. He did not fool your lawyer or the judge and now you see clear as bright daylight. He is the only one in the dark. Enjoy, it will only get darker…
This is a true account of how successful spaths are at deceiving.
http://psychopathsandlove.com/psychopathic-sexual-predators/
AnnettePK
Thanks for this link. The first paragraph describes Bill Cosby (on a difference discussion subject)…
Serial rapists, sexually motivated predatory stalkers, kidnapping rapists, sexually sadist. (also describes jenna23 monster ex).
Just goes to show, these are out there, hunting… and many do NOT go to jail but that doesn’t mean they aren’t psychopaths.
I also think there are many many more who are never caught – they are everywhere and so many victims don’t know they exist nor how to recognize them. The interview tells of people who have the best knowledge and education to recognize spaths and yet many are still deceived.
Instead of focusing on what he is or is not doing , I am focusing on where I am going. I no longer waste my time trying to please of change him. I am not falling into the “hole” he has left. Because that is where he wants me. The rules have changed, I am in control now.
Sane
You are so absolutely right. He was and still is confusing. He can remain in the darkness like you said. And yes, it will only get darker for him. Then even being Cpt America will not save him.
Thank you for this comment. So well written 🙂
Thanks, Kaya
Your victorious overcoming is an inspiration to all.
I think this is a good quote for this coming week.
“Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every day is a fresh start. Each day is a new beginning. Every morning we wake up is the first day of our NEW HAPPY LIFE.”
I LOVE this kaya48. Have written it down for my bedside.
It goes with my personal philosophy. God gave me only X number of days on earth and I’m going to spend them collecting perfect moments and good people.
That is a good word, Kaya. We need to have a new bright focus; and, that does not include any darkness from the former spath-infected non-life. Our latter end WILL BE better than our former days.
Exodus 14:13
“Do not be afraid , stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today . The Egyptoans you see today you will never see again.”
John 14:27
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
yes and yes. Comforting words for my heart.
Thanks Kaya. 🙂
Pharaoh and the Egyptians have been DESTROYED. We shall not see them again. And, we can have peace, a peace which passes all understanding — peace like a river of living water. That is our future; and, it is bright. Let us choose to move away from the darkness and into the light. It is ours for the taking. We are able.
Exodus 14:13 was one of the verses I went to for strength and hope when I was in the worst of the spath experience.
Yes you are correct
An emotional affair!
Getting out of that feeling of emotional dependence is like trying to walk in treadle
My head and heart in opposition
I am trying to sound off here, the only place it feels safe to
I know we have all been there
He has duped me I know
I want to recover and not care but unfortunately right now I still do!
Elsa
We have NOT all been where you are. You are cultivating in your mind crossing another forbidden line so that you may destroy your marriage to a good man and so destroy your life.
What is the matter with you? You CARE about this man? Have you taken leave of your senses? Well, of course you have.
What woman in her right mind would threaten her ENTIRE LIFE because of an foolish, childish infatuation with a man of NO character and NO morals? The answer is: there is NONE, not in her right mind.
Elsa, get a grip on yourself before there is no self left. And, run as far away in the OTHER direction and don’t look back.
We don’t need to hear another tragic story.
It is normal to go through a period when one knows in one’s mind that the spath is a bad person, while still being emotionally attached to the spath relationship. We are normal people who love and bond, and we can’t turn off our emotions in an instant. It takes time. I understand the process, and most survivors struggle with knowing it is best to have no contact with the spath, while experiencing a loss. When my first normal loving husband died, I was not able nor was I expected to stop loving him in an instant because he was now dead and unavailable to me. There was a time period I grieved the loss.
When there is a death, friends and family expect that the surviving spouse will experience grief and loss. However, people seem to expect that at divorce, abandonment or discard, the victim should just move on. It is still a loss and an adjustment.
You were groomed by this spath gradually to come under his spell. You didn’t know what you didn’t know; and when you figured things out you came here, sought advice, and you are working to maintain no contact and to understand.
I went through many of the things you went through, and did many things that were wrong, that I am not proud of, and that I regret, in the course of my spath experience. I asked forgiveness of my son, other family and friends whom I hurt.
I asked forgiveness of my husband a while ago. We Re working our way through my issues. I know much of it is rooted in losing two people , two rocks, in my life. People I never expected to lose ( through death)
But that doesn’t excuse what has happened.
And I know I appreciate my husband more than I ever have!
I wish I could turn off my emotions ( not for the spath but for the betrayal )
elsa
another thought…perhaps your spath made you feel special, or kind or wanted..
it could be something your husband may not express often enough to you and when this man came along he was filling the void, and yes it felt really good!!
you and your husband are working on things you mention, maybe take a good look at how he makes you feel in comparison to the other one…and express to him what you would like to hear…
just a thought x
elsa
consider the fact that people in your community “know” about your friend…they mostly don’t have much good to say about him and have either dealt with him or seen him in action..
at least it is not something you have to doubt in your mind, whether he is crazy or not because other people too will vouch for it..
if i had other people who knew what mine was like and they were warning me, i would have not been alone and wondered is he really as crazy as he seems..
if others are seeing it as well, you have your proof..
right now if you even took this man back as a friend, you aren’t seeing clearly and chances are it would ruin what you have with a good man, your husband…
we become irrational and indecisive when it comes to these dangerous men..once they are back in our lives, if we aren’t healed properly, we end up jumping to the chance to take them back very impulsively only to be let down again and left with perhaps nothing 🙂
elsa
same with me…well mine was also a physical affair but at the moment its not…its more an emotional affair with him being in recent contact and then dumping on the side of the road as quickly as he re entered..
you would think with this horrible behaviour we would be disgusted…in the back of my mind i am, or when i come on here i am…but i still have that nagging something that is trying to push the bad thoughts of him out of my mind and replace them with the fake good thoughts…
its been over 6 months and i am not recovered fully…i have ups and downs
some can recover quickly and some don’t…we are normal and have empathy and it proves we are not like them and able to discard our thoughts as easily as they discard us..
I didn’t mean I cared about him. I meant I cared about what he had done, what in have done in being so foolish to not see it.
I am sorry if I didint articulate that properly.
I hate him for what he has done and I will NOT end up entangled with him again.
I learned along time ago that I need to process my thoughts in order to change them. And I usually do! The “forbidden line” situations make that difficult to do.
I am abundantly grateful to my husband! We have not always had an easy marriage and I, at times, have grown resentful of him ( as I am sure has of me also) BUT in the last few months I have recognised more fully that he loves me – he must do to have actually listened and endured the few insights I have given him of me dealings with this other man.
his answer has often been ” well, that is the kind of man he is, isn’t it?” ( as I said, living in a small community, we “knew of” him without “knowing” him)
I think even coming to terms with the fact that this man is indeed sociopathic rather than just an unhappy, damaged man that I believed he was has been challenging enough to cope with. The more I read here and investigate myself confirms that he is.
Apologies!
Elsa, before I became involved with my ex, I worked with him. He was regarded as a bit of a weirdo around the office, and if he crossed my mind at all, I shared that opinion. Our mutual boss vented to me more than once how useless he was and that he couldn’t trust him to get anything done properly.
Then through a chain of events, I became personally involved with him and initially my opinion didn’t change. After a short while, I began to see him as a kindly, well intentioned, misunderstood doofus. I know now that my initial impression of him was right on target, and he created a persona that he knew would resonate with me and garner my sympathy. Once I became sexually involved with him, I was toast. I am HORRIFIED that as an educated, savvy woman, at one point when my boss was venting to me about him, I actually had the thought “poor X, he’d be so hurt if he knew the boss felt this way”. I never told him about this because I “knew” it would break his heart. Little did I know he didn’t have one.
You are SO lucky that he didn’t initiate a sexual relationship with you, because the bond would be so much harder to break.
It seems to me from what you’ve said, there are some similarities”that this guy isn’t well regarded in your town and people have kind of “got his number”. You knew a lot of bad things about him, but you overlooked them because he told you what you wanted to hear. And it felt GOOD.
We were vulnerable and we didn’t realize that there were people who would prey on our vulnerabilities, in an intentional and calculated way. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. The longer you go with no contact, the clearer your head will become.
It did feel good to be told I was doing well ( with my project) that I could DO IT, that he was proud of me, pleased to get to know me, appreciated how hard I was working, what a great sense of humour I had. To be told I could rely on HIM ( yeah!!!!!!) to help me achieve what was needed etc etc etc. Need I go on!!!
He has undermined everything he ever told me and left me full of self doubt.
I don’t mean to sound like some stupid, childish, infatuated woman. It’s just the way it is right now!
I do have one or two friends who have been alongside me in my friendship with him, we were often in a. Group. They have seen him in operation, know that he sought out the friendship etc. Thank goodness, or I think I would go absolutely crazy!
Else
I am still having a hard time to reason with that relationship you had/have with him. I do a lot of projects at my job, know many msle co workers but I never formed an emotional relationship with them. Even if one made me compliments.
You say you have a good marriage. Does your husband make you compliments and make you feel “good”?
You are not losing anything in that man. He is full of lies, deceiving thoughts and most importantly he is married. Just that fact that he has a wife would be reason enough for me to stay away from him. Is he perverted and wants threesomes ?
I know that’s something my ex always wished for. I see a huge “red flag” in your talking with him and doing projects. Please be careful.
I think I said I have a good husband. My marriage had had it’s difficulties, which it won’t go into!
My project is a community project, designed to get community volunteers involved. He , the spath, was one. He came on board, enthusiastic, supportive….. Just the kind of volunteer I needed at the time.
The rest is history!
I made a big mistake in 1) trusting him 2) listening to him 3) being influenced by him 4) by thinking that were were friends. ( I could probably go on and on about my mistakes, shortcomings etc) but at the moment I am beating myself up enough!
His wife asked me if I could involve him because ( in her words) their marriage was over, he needed something to do. She bad mouthed him a round town, maybe with good reason but, what I initially saw was a man who was trying hard, who said he was sad about his home situation and who needed to feel valued.
We interacted. Wrong yes, But not planned or underhand or hidden away,
He is no longer involved in my project. He got bored( typically sociopathic?)