UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
I also took Xanax .25. I even cut those in half. Pharmacist said .12.5 is not enough but it was for me. Anything higher made me very sleepy . Just be very careful, Xanax is highly addictive even after a few weeks taking it every day. I only took it once in a while. Maybe like 15 tablets in one year. Once you stop thinking that “you will never be good enough for him” you will be ok. The truth is he is not good enough for you .
I am ok now. Today someone said. “You look do beautiful and happy, what happened to you?” Ha, I thought, evil is gone and it shows in my appearance. Last year after the discard I lost too much weight, slept only a few hours, and cried and cried. While he was living it up with his minions. I am in control now and it shows that I am happy.
Think about how much he lost by discarding you. And he must live with that and one day there will be consequences for him.
Bally
Thanks for reminding me about that. I have the tendency to sometimes think that they regret their decisions and actions. But you are absolutely right. They justify it anyhow to their advantage. I still remember when he said “I left because of you”. And back then I believed it. Occasionally I fall into that “little game ” of his. Only for a few seconds. And then I remind myself our far I came. The only reason he is sending texts and emails to my son is to get a reaction out if us. Just his way to manipulate. But we know better than to respond. One year of no contact . Yay. I am very proud of this.
Expecting a final judgment in the divorce any day now.
Kaya, can you post what I wrote….I was amending a typing error (I type in my small mobile phone) and deleted by accident! I know they are emailed to recipients but I lost my post and it is an important reminder to others that they don’t regret dumping us. You have done so, so well! Maybe one day Donna will get a social so we can all meet and have a toast to our success stories!
Big hug to you xx
That would be awesome to meet everyone, wouldn’t it? This website as well as everyone’s support has helped so much
Annette, what is your story, what happened to you? You seem so strong yet also were a victim. Did you work out the vulnerabilities the psychopath found in you?
If we listen carefully they will tell us them…..we just need to reflect on what they said…they know our vulnerabilities / persona and we have never even explored them.
He tried to use mine to suck me in again only I had started to learn about psychopathy then and it was easy to maintain no contact.
Thanks for asking. It has been a couple of years since I began the path out of the hell-hole. It’s a long story, but contains the usual elements that occur in all our stories. Happily married and then widowed left me as a single mom with our son. Struggled with some health problems, met P in church and was totally deceived. I assumed my second marriage and second husband would be just as wonderful as my first. P is a pathological liar, abuser, sadist, pedophile, porn addict, cross dresser, that I know of. There could be more, I recognize that he could be a murderer and I just haven’t found out about it. I slowly realized the truth and slowly got out. My son was pretty messed up by it, it was a vulnerable time in his life to be courted and then crushed by the P; when he needed a male role model who loves him unconditionally and who could show him how to be a man. My son and I are both still recovering from PTSD, which was pretty bad.
From my Christian perspective, I perceive that God allowed me to suffer this trial to show me things about myself that needed changing. I learned some humility to temper my subconscious arrogance and self righteousness. I learned to be less co dependent, and to stop my own controlling behaviors. I learned to rely on God. I learned to put God first. The ex P tried to drive me out of the church as he had his first ex wife; and I was tempted to abandon God but ultimately kept my faith.
Many traits that my P used to hook me are positive traits when interacting with good people, i.e. trust, commitment, ability to bond, generosity, taking responsibility. They are misused by the P. The P’s really misuse everything: sex, their talents and abilities, others, and any resources they have, for destruction and harm.
Returning to this and other forums from time to time is for me like continuing a 12 step program to get over an addiction even after one is mostly recovered. It’s a life long process, and I need the constant reminder of what the P really is and what really happened to me, or else I start doubting myself. No one who didn’t experience it really understands the reality of it; most folks believe “it takes 2 to tango” and that both parties contributed to the marriage failure etc.
Annette what a tragic story and your first husband would be horrified at what has happened to you.
The psychopath and church….I’m confused…they do not believe in God surely? It must just be a way of conning people, they surely cannot be Christians?
PTSD, are you getting therapy for it?
I think they are their own god; whatever their whim at any given moment is god to them. If they believe in the existence of a real God, they hate Him because they want to be god. They are in competition against God; they are an adversary to God.
Psychopaths often use religion as a prop to con others, for power and control, etc. My ex P aspired to be a minister not to serve others but for the aggrandizement he imagined it would have for him; so far he has been unsuccessful thankfully.
My recovery from PTSD has been without formal counseling. I have the blessing of love, understanding and patience from many friends and family members, the time and resources to educate myself about psychopathy, prayer and meditation, time away at the ocean, enjoyment of music and art, and the like.
I have found that I recover best from loss and/or trauma by allowing myself to grieve fully until it runs its course and I have worked through it. All my close friends could see the hopelessness of my relationship with the P, and they waited patiently while I tried to make things work until the time came that I became convinced myself that it was hopeless due to his true motivations.
Bally
You wrote that I should stop fantasizing about him being in agony or feeling remorse. You are absolutely right. I know from financials in court that he is having a good time on cruises, trips, dinners and motorcycles. That does not look like someone who is sad over the loss of his family. And older co worker of mine, who is a devoted husband and father, tells me that it is unimaginable for him to discard his family. He says he would give “his life ” for his family.
Yes, a social would be great. I would definetely attend it. We all have come so far and I hope my story gives the “new” ones who just been “disposed” of hope to go on. Thanks Bally. 🙂
Kaya, yes it is no use fantasizing they will one day have regrets about dumping us because these are not normal human beings (I would say not human). No regrets, just blame us. They have no insight so when they boomerang back ages later they don’t understand why we ignore them. They lied to us, duped us, deceived us, cheated on us constantly, then dumped us…..yeeeeeet cannot understand why we ignore their texts one + years later when we have walked Recovery Road. For me, at the final end I felt no pain. I would have be embarrassed to tell you all that (as many of you are suffering), had it not have nearly killed me the first time I discovered I’d been duped. So I know how it feels when I wanted to die. But the final time was a pure relief. The only issue was the oxytocin levels/something in my brain and I took anti-depressants for 6 months and sailed though with no contact and just felt relief…..he was gone until he tried to boomerang back then he was ignored easily by me……now he is just something I reflect on for my learning….I honestly see him as an alien not a human being. Someone who sits in a laboratory in my imagination.
That relief of being done. It’s not a letdown, it’s pure joy. He could show up today and I would slap him. I finally figured that out from the other day wen I was dwelling on way would I do.
Today I would slap him for thinking he had the right to think he was something to me. Yesterday too. And the day b4. Every day he is nothing to me, is a day of joy. I wish everyone on here had this gift of being so done. Just try it it an hr or two. Try it again. Try it and try it. It will come. It will become real.
Joy!
And one day we won’t even care enough to waste the energy on them to slap them! Because that’s what they want – us to be focused on them and spend our energy on them, whether it’s slapping them or adoring them or whatever. That’s why NC works so well, we give them nothing, and take away their existence.
Definite.
The spath showed up…I’d look rite thru him. He never existed to me. He’s a non-entity.
Bally, you make a very good point. For me, when the discard happened, I felt like I was going to die over the loss of him, and the relationship I thought I had with him. Then, when I got educated on what he was, and what he had done to me over the years, getting over the loss of him was relatively easy. All of a sudden, the months of going over and over the basic nugget that was central to my disbelief – how could a person do such a thing – was over. Then I understood how he could, he was sick, evil and not human. The only reason I existed in his mind after the discard was to continue to toy with me when it amused him and to use me as an example of how he had been hurt by women as he used his two prior wives to me. I know he doesn’t wistfully think gee, Hanalei sure made some awesome holiday dinners for us, except to maybe slyly use it to make his new victim miserable. I was an object, he got bored of me (he actually told his daughter that was the reason we were no longer together), and he threw me away just like he’d throw away an expensive shirt after a few wearings, claiming to be bored with the color. Never to think of it again.
What has been a constant struggle, and still goes on today, almost three years later, is getting my life back on track, getting back to feeling like myself again. I think this should have been enough time, and yet, then I think, it’s only been three months since the house was sold, and I had been handcuffed to it…in some respects, I feel as if maybe the clock reset at the sale of the house and working to get my life back only started then, and I’m still in the early days of this process. It seems daunting. My therapist, who I had to leave behind when I moved, always told me that I tended to downplay what had happened to me and it was unrealistic to expect that I could handle it like I had so capably handled other problems and issues in my life over the years, and that it would take TIME. One friend who had had her own experience with a psychopath said, when you’ve been in hell and finally get to drive away from hell, it’s not like hell never happened.
I’ve been recently opening up to a friend about some of the horrible, horrible things he did and said to me, and I’m so glad that I understand the chemical addiction and mind manipulation that they use, and know that there wasn’t something wrong with me for “overlooking” them. Their power is very very dangerous and deadly. After the discard, I found a journal entry that I wrote only three months before I joyously purchased the dream home with him and left my life to go to a new one with him. In it I wrote how unhappy I was and how I wanted to, needed to leave the relationship, and detailed some antics he had used to ruin Christmas for me. I had no memory of writing it, and only vague memory of the antics, since afterward, true to form, he was wonderful to me and all was forgotten. A person with no experience with this disorder would be saying wtf Hanalei, were you crazy? No, not at all. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and he was a master at his game…this is why NC is so important to everyone who is still struggling. You cannot win.
I know the rebuilding will take more time and I’m on a very good path. I know circumstances out of my control have kept me from shining the way I’d like to, or would have done when I was younger, but that’s only internal – my own standards for myself. I’m overly concerned with my (cough) advancing age, and maybe I would have been if none of this had ever happened. I am still cattywampus in many aspects from where I think I should be at this point, where I want to be. I’m very hard on myself.
Hanaleimoon, glad you are doing well now.
I only discovered psychopathy about a year after him and then it all fell into place….I had reasons for his behaviour. Text book case.
When I discovered I had first been duped it was a living hell. I advise anyone who has been dumped to read up on psychopathy at this time….it gives the answers to why. I also think an anti-depressant for some to numb the intense pain. Then to start doing new things.
I wish I had a total cure for the discard phase, I’ve got strategies that ease the pain….however some folks may not be fit to even drag themselves out of bed to get pills off the doctor and may not have energy to read up on psychopathy…..I’m thinking back to the state I was in.
If anyone has ideas on what helped them it would be good to hear it. Maybe Donna has done an article in the past before my time on LF.
Taralav is the one suffering the most just now as well as Tami, and Tami is pulling through. Hoping the meds will kick in for Taralav soon.
Hi Bally- I am hanging in there..more of his back and forth today already, name calling, blaming me and making me pick apart my life. He said ” I overreacted on everything” and his new girlfriend is calm. I over reacted because he refused to get his mail to our home after 5 years. I overreacyed because he told me her worked at Hertz, and it really was wells fargo. Or that he lost his job..was getting dressed and pretending to work and then come home to the house once I was at work. I could only take so much. I was flipped out..i questioned him on everything. And in the end..he cheated..and discarded me. I treated him and his children like gold and so did my family. I am getting thru the day..but on a wing and a prayer. it is the worst thing..i wake up numb..and force myself to get ready for work.
Tara, trust me on this, his girlfriend will not be calm for long, and if she is now, it is because he is love bombing her. It will not last. He will say ANYTHING to you to make you feel like crap, and it’s working. It works because you loved him and you trusted him…so even if you know he’s dead wrong, it still puts doubt in your mind. Anything to make you feel bad about yourself, and to get you to take the blame for the end of the relationship that he was going to end no matter how perfect you were. I lived this. The girlfriend may be a lunatic, perfect, or maybe they aren’t even that tight anymore…it doesn’t matter. Every word that comes out of their mouths is a lie or a manipulation. Trying to talk to him and thinking you will ever get a normal, rational response, or that he hears and understand you (or cares) is insanity.
What he calls “overreacting” is a normal response from a normal person to abnormal behaviors and situations. Your actions were appropriate for the situations. They create the crazy bi$%h and then they leave us, telling us it is our fault…it is NOT.
Kaya is right…you have to find a way to stop engaging with him. I know, some part of you is still hoping it is all a mistake and it will all work out (I lived this too) but it will not…it will only bring you more pain and confusion and prolong you getting your life back. This is tough love…please listen to us.
Bally
My soon to be ex was an atheist and he constantly put me and my son down for being active in our church. (Non denominational ). My son needed volunteering hours for a college scholarship and for 2 years he helped an elder to clean the church and other duties. They all loved my son for helping. My ex sometimes would call him lazy a… And all kinds of words. The day we were baptized he was not able to look at us and asked us “why did you do that sh..for ?”
What I find very interesting is that he repeated his fathers behavior. He stopped talking to his father almost 20 years ago because he had left the family for a younger woman. And now he did the exact same thing in an even more vicious way than his own father. Out of 5 children my ex was the only one who stopped contact with the father.
And now his only child wants nothing to do with him. How ironic.
My son promised that he will be a better man and a better husband and a better father than my ex. And I know that’s true because I taught him good values, morales and to be humble. Nothing in my son reminds me of his father.
That’s the best thing that came out of this nightmare is my precious child. I am so thankful the ex cannot have kids anymore. I would not want another child go through this nightmare. And hopefully his minions don’t have any children. He would not make a good step dad.
Kaya, thank goodness your son bonded with you and is nothing like his father! You have had a positive impact on your son.
Taralev
It sounds like you are talking to him. Every time you engage with him you are asking to have more pain inflicted on you.
Please try to stay no contact. He will not stop blaming you. I know from my ex. He loves to blame and accuse. It gave him power and control over me.
Stop talking to him, stop listening to his crap. There is nothing good coming out of his mouth. So why even bother? Let him be happy with the calm girlfriend. Who cares? I heard those words before “you are just mental , you are overreacting, it’s all your fault. “. Just b/s. All of it. Let him go.
It will be the best decision you ever made.
Taralev
If you have a chance listen to the song “do not be afraid ” by Tanner Clark. The words are so true and encouraging. Please try your best to not have contact with him. I know how you feel and your pain will not go away or lessen if he is still part if your daily life. You must quit him. Not in a few weeks or few months, you should do it today. Good luck. I feel so bad for you.
Kaya..yes just email he back and forth says I was reason that he couldn’t deal with me flipping every time he would lie and get caught. I know I’ve said before. .I don’t know if it makes sense to you in my mind I feel if I have no contact. .he wins. He gets to live happy after discard me and Im gone completely. I know its a sick way to think but its how I feel. Why should he get to leave me the way he did with all bills and not even care.he had no remorse at all. None. But we planned a life..to move and he was plotting to leave the whole time
Tara! He wins if he destroys your life. I’ve already written here how mine left me with crushing bills while he was living the high life with new women…we’ve been there. They have no remorse because they are not normal. We planned a life too, and he led me to it like leading an animal to slaughter and set me up to lose everything I had…and I lost a lot. But I didn’t lose my mind, or my life. He didn’t completely defeat me.
One of my ex-friends wanted me to fight him (a demon) on everything and when I didn’t (knowing I was better off if I let him think HE won), she was disgusted with me, telling me I was letting him win. She didn’t understand the disorder.
You can’t win at this game…they will chase you, hunt you, toy with you until they discard you completely and disappear out of your life (what happened to me) or force you to lose your mind or worse. Get the thought of winning out of your mind. This is really about survival. Please get counseling if you have to babysit in the evenings to afford it. It will help. And stop opening the emails.
taralav…I have a question…what do you think you are going to have or what do you think you are going to get if he did come back? Just more of the same lies and crap all the time?? Why would you want that? You need to really search yourself and search for answers for yourself and take the emotions out of the equation. That is what I had to do. Trust me…I was just as bad as you are…I almost committed suicide not just once, but many times, but I am still standing and so you will be, BUT…it is HARD work! I went back and forth, back and forth also just like you until I finally realized it wasn’t going to work…he didn’t want me and I was NOT going to win. Not. I even told him once after a “misunderstanding”…”You win again.” They will always win so why deal with it? The ONLY way to stop the chemical addiction is the no contact and then eventually, the feelings subside, but it could take years. I am not telling you it is going to be easy. I am in my fourth year since I met him and I still think about it a lot and what happened and what he did to me, but the hurt is not there nearly as much anymore…getting to be almost non existent. I know it’s hard, but it’s easier for us here to tell you what you need to do because we have been through it and we are already on the other side and it’s impossible for you to see the other side right now. Just take care of yourself. That’s the one thing I did despite feeling like dying. I never quit my exercise routine or being good to myself. Take care…I want you to feel better today…I hope my post has helped in some way.
taralav
I can see what he is doing. I’ve been there with that trick. He knows he is driving your spirit into the ground. The same was done to me. As cruel as he was when we lived together, it got worse after we separated. Why would a man do that when he supposedly had what he wanted? My ex wanted me to commit suicide. The ULTIMATE “WIN” for this disturbed character type is for his chosen victim to destroy themselves completely.
By keeping you hooked into bad logic (and yes, dear, right now he’s got you so stressed out that you aren’t thinking clearly) then he pours on the poison and he feels like a winner.
This is why no contact is so powerful.
1) It takes away HIS ability to know if his spirit killing poison is working.
2) It give YOU, YOUR brain, time to lower your stress hormones that are currently continuously dumping into your body.
3) This type of contact you are having now is actually binding you TO HIM. It is trauma bonding. It gives him greater control over you. It is FALSE to think that he wins if you go NC. The exact opposite is the truth. That cutting off his contact with you is what give YOU the control over YOU. That needs to be your goal: TAKING control from him.
He’s using lies to make you think that he wins if you cut him off. He’s MAKING you feel that way. He is in control.
Yep You had a life planned with him and yep he was plotting to leave the whole time. What kind of person does such a thing? Answer: An evil one.
There is no trust with an evil one. There is NO “WIN” by staying in contact with an evil one. It’s worse because I can promise you that he is using your words to get the other woman to bind with him. You are on a road that leads to destruction. I don’t want you on that road. If you want to stop from drowning, LET GO OF THE STONE.
ps He can only pretend to be happy because he is actually incapable of FEELING happy. As you point out, what he REALLY feels is NO remorse at all. That’s because he is incapable of REAL human caring feelings. He is a PREDATOR. That’s how predators live.
Very wise words here, taralev. Let go of the stone. It will sink you, while u think ur winning. If you hang in to it any longer, it will choke you.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, once again, what you have written is perfectly on point. I had no idea what the extreme mental/emotional stress was doing to me until my therapist introduced me to the amygdala and taught me how I was flooding it with panic and fear responses…I literally couldn’t think straight. He used that to his advantage for years and after the discard, I fell into it full force. Recognition of when I was ramping up, as well as the light use of the anti-anxiety meds when absolutely necessary helped me get this under control. Free of those feelings of my entire internal self shrieking as if I was being skinned alive, there is nothing that would be worth letting myself get in such a state again. And to think he created those feelings intentionally, groomed them and nurtured them…just sick.
It breaks my heart what he’s doing to TaraLav. I can see it so clearly. So many covert sociopaths all seem to have this pattern.
By tricking her to stay engaged with him, he has her responses that I am sure he is using to show others how ‘crazy’ she is. We know she is NOT crazy, but she is in a crazymaking situation with a master of image, using the image he is creating of her to harm her and smear her. He’s playing her to give him the ammo to set her up. I just know he’s showing her replies to his next victim whom he set up, convinced that girlfriend to believe that she is “rescuing him” from Tara.
I absolutely hate that they can do this. They can because NORMAL people have such a hard time wrapping their minds around such mindcontrolling jerks.
Taralave is in a place where she thinks up is down, and she can’t even identify what a “win” really is. That’s how messed up this jerk is. Decent people don’t do this in a breakup. Only someone without conscience could do such a thing.
Taking back control of ourselves is Our win. And the fact that they are NOT fully human will ALWAYS make the sociopaths Less than LOSERS. Everything else is smokescreen. That’s where Taralav is now, lost in his Smokescreen. We know there’s no substance, ya can’t nail down smoke. But when you are in the midst of it, ya can’t see that salvation is found Outside of the smoke.
It’s natural to feel that way, consider if he is hooking you by manipulating you into feeling that way, that he wants to trick you into competing with him. Consider what is best for you.