UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Elsa
Yes typical sociopath. They are “bored” and five with their marriages and wives. Only the wives have no idea how “miserable” andusubderstoid their husbands are. This is so my ex husband. He not only wAbted affairs, but he was looking for married women online. Ashley Maddison.com. Where their motto is “life is too short, have an affair.”
I think you should conpletely cut of all interaction with him, projects, anything. You should show him “don’t mess with me”. I could never believe how freeing and emotional calming no contact brings. Do I laugh about my pathetic ex sometimes now? Absolutely. Like Sane said, it’s my victorious overcoming.
I wish you the strength to cut him out of your life including the wife.
I am having NC at the moment with a man who does not want contact!! I don’t feel I am cutting HIM out of MY life. I am currently living through him discarding me.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to be in contact with him, I pf I wanted to, I could go round his house, phone his home, sit in my car and wait for him to go to the shop!
I am not! I am not pursuing him in any way.
BUT I don’t feel like I am in control. HE is in control. HE has cut me dead z( ok, I can look on that and say fine. But at the end of the day it is his doing!) he doesn’t know how I feel about him, what he is, what he has done. Ad maybe he never will.
I am trying to work through those feelings of shame and also some fear in the sense that I do not want to meet him and know that I will due to living in such a small place.
This is what is keeping me awake at night. Rehearsing what may happen.
NOT any feelings I have for him. He was never my friend. He used me. He played with me. He was insincere, a deliberate liar etc etc.
Does that make me feel sad? yeah!!!
I still feel like there is a big hole where he once was. And I KNOW that is wrong to have even let him take that place. But, if I have understood correctly, he set out to fill it, for his own amusement and entertainment until he was bored.
Elsa..please stop thinking about when you will see him again in your “small town”…you need to only think about the no contact rule…if you see him in town you simply walk away without him seeing you period…and if he does see you and try to engage with you, you run away fast. Remember you sent your son to his home & you contacted him by phone just this week…this is not good…he can and most likely will put a restraining order on you. seriously.
You are obsessing on seeing him. This is where you must be conscious of your thoughts. Focus on your husband now & your family…keep your mind busy on other things & people. NOT on a sociopath otherwise he still has control over your mind, over your thoughts, over your life.
Take control of your life…take back your power!! Change your thoughts!!
It’s possible that Elsa is obsessing, but I don’t think that there is enough information to determine that for sure from posts here – whether it is unhealthy obsession or a healthy concern about meeting the spath that needs to be dealt with.
It would be helpful for us to keep in mind that survivors are recovering from trauma and the best help is to offer positive advice.
It was my understanding the son didn’t end up going to the spath’s home after all, but I may have missed a post.
Hi AnnettePK, I was the first one to respond to Elsa…I have read her post since that time and she is addicted to this man and in almost every post has stated that she wanted to see him, she was going to send her son to his home & that she contacted him by breaking the NC rule already etc.
My post has good intentions to wake her up to what she is thinking about…she should not be thinking about seeing him she should be thinking about the no contact rule over and over that way she will be safe in her small town.
Elsa has a racing mind like most victims who leave a sociopathic relationship, part of PTSD…I have suggest that she find a counselor, that she call the national domestic violence hotline 24/7 and find an outside counselor who is knowledgable with narcissistic abuse, that she seek out a hormonal specialist to balance her body and to read everything at the top of lovefraud & gave her other sites to read when she starts to obsess about seeing him. She is not doing any of these things she is only thinking about seeing him. This repeated thinking of seeing him needs to stop if she wants to heal. I worry that this evil sociopath is going to call the police on her if she meets him in town or that she is going to loose her temper around him and make her look bad. We all know what a sociopath is capable of doing to their victims once they discard them = the start a smear campaign and say the victim is “crazy” so she needs to keep her distance from him.
Elsa…hon you have to tap into your thinking…you have to control your thinking & thoughts. I know it is so hard in the beginning but the things I post for you to get better work. The #1 thing you need to do is to keep the no contact rule in place and #2 thing to do is watch what you are thinking about & visualize walking way from him in your town if you ever see him without talking to him. Visualize this hon. Visualize him with the world evil & sociopath.
You can do this Elsa…you can move forward and start to stop the emotional roller coaster he has put you on. You have to take charge of your power. Please google “United Kingdom hormonal specilist” and go to a hormonal specialist asap to test you for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency & hormonal imbalance (all issues with PTSD/adrenal fatigue) within hours of having the right hormones (pill or cream) you will stop the racing mind that you are experiencing right now). See mialundin. com for more on hormonal imbalance & adrenalfatigue. org & drlam. com for more on adrenalfatigue/PTSD.
Jan7 I share your concerns about Elsa and it’s really bothering me that she hasn’t mentioned that she is doing anything to make herself feel better and work to free herself of her addiction to him. I’m concerned that she’s very vulnerable to more harm.
I’ve suggested websites and a book too. My opinion is that she needs to see a counselor right away.
Elsa,
I think I understand what you’re saying and I do understand what you’re working through. The way you feel is natural, and it is a usual result of psychopathic abuse and control. It sounds like you are waking up to what he was doing to you, and that you are doing the hard work to recover.
There is a hole in your life and it is a loss to grieve a friendship that you thought had meaning, even though you were deceived and manipulated into it.
I discern that coming up with a strategy for how you will handle running into him will protect you from being blind sided and yielding to the spath’s button pushing. Even though he discarded you, spaths are not normal and it is a game to him and it is very likely he will try to play with your mind again. In my experience they leave a victim alone when she understands what the spath is about and has recovered from the emotional attachment and abuse, which takes time. But the instant the spath perceives a vulnerability or a wavering in a target, he is subject to exploit her again. He will always be in predator mode with respect to everyone; and a past victim is particularly vulnerable.
It sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself. It would be best if you were not made to feel that you have to defend yourself here; that is regrettable.
Thank you Annette
Elsa, Kaya beat me to it, but I will say it again – YOU are the one maintaining no contact. HE is giving YOU the silent treatment”HE is punishing YOU for whatever reason or no reason at all. Go back to your reading and remind yourself – giving the silent treatment is one of their classic ways of manipulating and punishing us.
You are doing the hard work of maintaining no contact, and the end result is cutting him out of your life and moving forward to a healthy life. You make a good point that you could be trying to contact him in various ways, and you aren’t. Most of us weren’t that strong, and it lead us to even greater harm.
Feeling sad is normal for the loss of what you thought you had. But if you are honest with yourself, I think you might have concerns that the relationship wasn’t in your best overall interest, even if he was the most wonderful man in the world.
I disagree that he doesn’t know how you feel about him! He knows exactly what he has done to you, and he knows how you feel about it – sweetheart, he doesn’t care. Even if you were able to get his attention and explain it to him (I got this opportunity many times and it resulted in even more pain, and loss of self worth), you would get no satisfaction and it would add to your suffering.
We’ve all felt a big hole in our lives. While you are working through your feelings of shame, I want to give you some of the best advice I got from my therapist: You must find a way to give your mind a break, because you can’t think straight when you keep your mind in that agitated state. That was the last thing I wanted to do, I wanted to go over and over and over it in my mind and figure it out. But she was right, and I tried, even for a minute at a time, to think about something else. Being active in any way is a quick and simple way to get a bit of relief. Once you feel the sweet relief of a minute of freedom from thinking, you will want more.
YOU are in control. Do something active and healthy. Watch a movie with your husband. Go for a walk with a friend and talk about something neutral. Lose yourself in a book or play with your pets. Start a gratitude journal and be grateful of all that you have that he was unable to touch.
H Moon,
I really appreciate the way you can articulate thoughts and concepts so well in very helpful ways. Have you thought of writing a book? I would read it.
Ah, gosh, Annette, I’m blushing! That is high praise coming from you, your posts are always so calm and well considered!! I actually have thought of writing a book but I’m not sure. We’ll see I guess!
I have taken active steps this afternoon to get some space. Even if we did talk about him and the situation, the wind, the scenery and the experience of walking on a desolate beach surrounded by snow capped mountains has helped. Just feeling a bit sad at how I have come across! But hey, I will get over that.
I can relate so much to how a racing mind can affect. Recover. And I feel that so much. I will seek some help. But I feel such a fool! X
elsa,
All are giving their advice to help you through this nightmare. I have a tiny piece that really helped me with the unwanted thoughts.
I read a Saying:
“Don’t worry about stopping the thoughts but rather, it’s about what you DO WITH THEM.”
This was BIG for me because I tried so hard not to think about him but the thoughts came before I was aware. This saying really helped. What I did with the thoughts may sound ridiculous but my therapist said it was a good psychological solution.
When thoughts came… instead of beating myself up for having the thought, I did as the saying said. I stopped getting upset at myself for having unwanted thoughts. ANd I’d identify it. I’d verbally say “You are an unwanted thought”. Then I’d physically pinch the thought in the air in front of my face and toss it away, and I’d verbally ridicule the thought. As I tossed it away, I’d say “Silly thought” or “poopoo thought” or “farty thought”.
By ridiculing the thought, it changes my emotion from anxiety to empowering feeling. And the physical stuff makes my brain change the way it processed the thought.
After a short while, like two or three days, I started noticing the thoughts were diminishing and eventually nearly completely gone, and my anxiety and self blame diminished.
You also mentioned shame. Please know that Sociopaths use SHAME as as control manipulation. You have been honest with your husband. Here is a FACT you need to remind yourself, esp because of the sociopath:
It’s not YOUR BLAME. That BLAME belongs to the sociopath.
The thinking behind such a fact is:
People who have a conscience or a heart are able to feel guilt so we tend to take on the manipulative negative dark message of the sociopath who NEVER takes responsibility for their evil deeds. Guilt is redemptive. We accept what we did in error and we LEARN from it and make amends.
BLAME is not the same as guilt. BLAME is how you know it belongs to the sociopath, BLAME is what is done to victims, not done BY the victim.
You were NOT a fool, you were trusting and caring and a predator targeted you to destroy what is good about you. Evil HATES goodness. So no surprise the evil one wanted to destroy that.
Elsa-
Everyone wants to have closure and be the one walking away. We’d all like to tell the as***le to get the “F” out of our lives and slam the door on them, even though, they’re already gone.
Sociopaths are very cunning. They don’t want to be blamed or shamed. So when they have any inkling that their victim is catching on and seeing through their smoke and mirrors, they go into attack mode and blame you for things you never did, and probably would never even think of doing.
It’s their game. Their rationale is “the best defense is a good offense.”
Try to get some sense of closure by knowing that he backed away because he recognized he was losing his grip on controlling you and your impression of him. As long as you didn’t recognize what he was, you were safe for him to be around. When you began to question the lies and “jerking around” that went on, you became a risk.
You don’t need a cowardly loser in your life. The mindset that can get you past the pain is to understand that he is who he is, and he’s not who you want or need in your life. What he brought to your life was a sham.
Joyce
Joyce, thank you for that post. It enbodies everything I have been thinking. Once I found out his lies and all of what he is, he knew that his spell had been broken. I knew what he was. My logical mind found him out.
Thank you thank you!
I hear what you are saying jan and you are right!!! 🙂
I will try!
Just on one point, I didn’t send my son to his house, I told him not to go because of how he behaved to my friends partner!!
Thank you for your help!
As usual, Psychopath Free posted the perfect article on FB this morning!
Here you go: https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?270-Why-Does-it-Take-So-Long-to-Get-Over-a-Relationship-with-a-Psychopath
Apart form the sexual connection, this article made perfect sense, even if it did make me sob!! 🙂 thank you
Your Welcome Elsa…you are going to get through this hon. It is so painful in the beginning because your emotional are all over the place, something we are not use to. Normally we are in control over our emotions but with the sociopath discarding us there is so much going on physically & emotionally with our bodies.
With any break up the body releases high levels of cortisol from the adrenal glands…this causes issues with how we deal with stress, meaning we cant deal with stress because of the high levels that are continually are being released…throw in the fact that the victim has been under long term stress because of all the mind games a sociopath plays this results in the adrenal glands getting fatigue and then in return it screws up the balance of over 50 hormones including progesterone (the bodies natural relaxer), testosterone, and estrone.
There is a lot going on with the mind, body & spirit when a sociopath discards their victims. I know exactly where you are but I know that the no contact rule and gaining control over your thoughts will help you move forward in your healing process along with hormonal balancing too.
I am sorry that you are in so much emotional pain. It does get better I promise you.
Take care.
Elsa
It’s a good thing your son did not go to his home. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to live in a small place where you could run into him. The “grey rock” had worked for me for the few instances where I had to face my ex in court.
Think of it this way , even though he started the no contact or he discarded you, it’s still your victory because you are staying no contact, you are not breaking it.
And believe me , you will never get an “I am sorry” or “what I have done is wrong ” from him. They just blame and accuse.
You might have been exciting to him at first but once they decided to discard , you are nothing to them. Just plain garbage. I created my life for over 20 years around my ex husband. He erased all memories when he decided he wanted fresher , sexier minions. It was like whatever we had for almost a century never existed. They rewrite history.
You can be proud of yourself for staying no contact. It took me 3 months after I was thrown in the garbage to leave my past. So you are doing good.
By the way today is month no 20 of no contact for me. I will stop counting once I get to the 2 year mark. 🙂
Hanalei
Such excellent advice you gave Elsa. You are so right about they he knows how she feels but does not care. Many times after my discard I told my ex how I felt. Usually I receivedote blame or the standard “I really don’t care, get over it”. What resulted in more tears for me. When he told me “I don’t love you anymore” and I cried he said “I don’t understand crying , what’s wrong with you?” See how he shifted the blame on me. But only did I cry I was suppose to think I am crazy that I am crying. So evil. To this day I believe that hd got so much enjoyment out of my pain and years. He said to himself “yes, I got her where I want to be , a crazy, crying mess.”
They are all the same.
We never mattered to them, they saw no value in us, even though I am the mother if his child. I still wonder how I managed for 20 years.
Kaya, exactly – telling them how we feel just gives them more ammunition to use against us.
As time goes on, and I spend less time thinking consciously about it, it becomes more and more clear to me how my ex groomed and manipulated me. The silent treatment was really effective with me and got him his desired result every time. Like you, I know he got so much enjoyment out of that. It is sickening to think they drove us to behave in a certain way then ultimately to use our behavior as the reason for abandoning us.
I don’t know how you did it. I can’t imagine how hard it would be with a child to protect. What we did was the LAST thing they expected. I can’t help but be proud of that.
Yes, HanalieMoon
I am reading your posts, Annette, You, and Kaya have always resonated with me. We’re close to the same age and seem to have the same type of sociopath.
My ex used a form of silent treatment and he’d withdraw his good will. It would crush me. I felt so diminished. So I would manicly try to please him and not ask anything in return, no reciprocity. That way, he had me punishing myself, diminishing myself, castigating myself. And excusing his absences, his disregard, his dismissals of me, as if I were a nothing… because to him, I was nothing. Or as he said, “less than nothing”.
What I Learned was silent treatment worked for him because it kept me anxious and focused on pleasing him, and then he could put his energy towards other women and his scams and frauds.
Silence meant he was busy conning others. It Did NOT mean I did anything wrong but, of course, he wasn’t going to tell me that. 🙂
Elsa
Jan7 and everyone here is giving you excellent advice. This man is capable of anything. I would never believed how far my ex would go. When he tried to send me to a mental institution, the psychatrist on duty said “why are you here, who sent you here?” Well, my cop husband decided to make me look bad in the upcoming divorce , it would benefit him, if I was to be committed. You know what the doctor said “you should sue this guy for anysibg his power, you are married to a sociopath and need to get a divorce ASAP . A husband should protect his wife and what he is doibg is wasting my time , there could be someone who really needs treatment. “. He was very upset that my ex’s cop friends would go that far.
It shows you that there are no limits whatsoever for them. They try to put restraining orders against you, try to have you arrested Whatever it takes to destroy you completely.
I was very lucky that I escaped with my life.
Elsa. You are so fortunate you have a husband and a family. Try not think about you meeting him. For what ? Focus on the no contact.
I wish I would have found this website when I was discarded. I would have done things different. I asked for more pain and that’s what my ex gave me. He moved out and he even had more power than ever. He made me a “choice” because was addicted to him and let him. I was his wife and not a choice. Now , it’s all different. I will never talk to him again in my life. Because I know if I do and I am back pkaying his games. And he will win. So I won’t participate any longer. Game over .
Kaya, you and all the women here are a Godsend. I have found so much strength in reading your words. I am grateful for you all. When I feel low and wonder what I have done to deserve this and want to ask him why, I read your words. I remember all the lies. All the discards. When I read that he is ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment and I am choosing No contact is powerful. I know the moment I break NC, I will fall back into his trap. It’s exactly what he wants. I will not give in.
Elsa, please take the advice of these women. They know us wo knowing us. Find strength in their words. I have and do daily.
Thank you all again. This site and all of you have saved my life from further sprilling down the path of Hell.
I have just come home from walking a windswept beach all day with my friend, who just happens to be a health visitor dealing specifically with domestic abuse. We have chatted and I asked her about cortisol etc. I trust her AND she is the one person who has seen this man in operation with me.
I hope I haven’t driven her mad by obsessing. I just want to say that I have read and consumed very response to my initial post , as well as reading around the issue a lot to. I think I said, my particular learning style is to “talk” , to process and work through my thinking.
I have appreciated every piece of advice. I am sorry if that has not come accross. My search history is full of searches linked to everything I have been advised.
As my friend and I talked today she was telling me about the effect of cortisol etc. And I discussed this with her.
I would like to say that I don’t feel I am obsessed WITH seeing him, rather anxious ABOUT seeing him. I know exactly how to see him. I could see him tomorrow if I wanted to. But I won’t!! Living in a town where there is only one shop, I think the chances of seeing him without planning to are high, and HLTA is what is making me anxious.
I didn’t send my son to his house. I admit I broke the NC rule. I hope I am not the first to do so! But I do hope it is the last time I do.
I felt when I found LOvefraud that I had found a place I could just “sound off” but I also realise that many of you have suffered far worse than me, and some of you as the betrayed wives. I know I must have come across as someone who has acted wrongly in this relationship with this dis picante person.
I have much going for me, I know. I will get through this because I have a good husband, a family, friends but most of all, a God who loves me and forgives me, even when I find it hard to forgive myself.
PLEASE know that I appreciate all of the support I have been given. I have come in tonight to realise I have been the subject of much discussion on here. I do feel a bit fraught and sad . I have probably blurted out my feelings on here rather than taking the time to properly consider how I have come across.
I don’t feel I am “in danger”. I do feel vulnerable right now. But partly that is my own fault and I am on journey, I know, one which some, if not all, of you have been on or are still on.
Blessings to you all. X
Elsa, I am liking what I hear! I’m so glad you’ve spent the day with your friend and it sounds like it’s helped you a lot!
You have been the subject of much discussion here because we care about you, we worry about you and we want to help you. Our motivation is to help so others don’t have to suffer as we have. I try to temper my responses, since I know I can get a little pushy about it! Please know that you can vent here, and it is a safe place. Blurting is fine! We are all linked at the heart.
Hugs, friend!!
Freedom
I feel honored to be able to help others with my experience. And yes, you give them any reaction, positive or negative , they can play you as a puppet again. Like I said I was in that fog at the beginning. Even go to the beach with him. For what ? I sat there, crying and crying, him throwing insults at me.
Hanalei
Indeed it was hard to protect my child. The night my ex had me handcuffed and taken to the mental hospital my son told him “for what you just did to my mother, I will never talk to you again.” My son at the age of 18 was more grown up and more rational than me. A 47 year old woman. My son was my “inner child” who guarded me. He would take the phone away from me do I could not call the ex. Now we laugh about it. Now the ex says he misses his son. Well, that’s too bad for him. “You reap what you sow”. You cannot harvest tomatoes when you planted corn. He must deal with this now. It’s none of our concern.
Hi Elsa…please know that everyone here is trying to protect you from any more harm from the evil sociopath that you know. It’s all with good intention.
Please also know that we have all gone through the raceing mind stage so this is why we recognize it with your post and want to guide you through this painful time for you.
Do not be ashamed for how you feel hon…this man screws with peoples mind on purpose he is evil.
You are going to get through this so please keep venting her but also please take everyones advise to heart because we have all learned the hard way with our evil ex’s and dont want you to be hurt any more.
I think the best advise is for you to find a excellent counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse…this is not a weakness for reaching out for help from a qualified counselor instead this shows strength and courage. You are strong but right now you need a counselor to help you through this difficult emotional state. We have all been there sadly we all know your pain hon…it does not matter if you are the wife (like me now ex wife thank goodness), or a mistress or a friend…the abuse to us is all horrible, WE are all glad you have found lovefraud and we are all glad that you have the strength to vent here too. Please dont take are advise as negative but instead a true blessing.
Thank you ( again!!)
I think my biggest hope at this time is to hang in here.
I don’t feel very well right now, emotionally .
I need to try and rest.
I am sorry as I feel I have come across as incredibly weak and self indulgent in the sense that I haven’t listened. I really was just verbalising my own thoughts.
And I am grateful for everyone’s input. X
Well you didn’t come across that way to me Elsa.
I’ve been impressed by you. I was thinking how fast you came to accept he was disordered. It took me YEARS to get to that stage. I didn’t have LF back then, but it really does help that people here have gone through what you have… we all have different things that worked for us, and you can pick what resonates with you.
hi elsa
i don’t believe you’ve come across as weak…sometimes its difficult to express and understand through writing, but everyone is on your side most definitely…
someitmes i feel silly rewriting my story for the 100th time and receiving advice from everyone. i wouldn’t have managed without it
don’t feel foolish or self indulgent…you have listened to what has been told it just doesn’t happen immediately to take action. when you are ready you will do what you know is best, right now your first step is the NC and you’re doing great at it..it doesn’tmatter if its been broken, you get up and do it again. you will get through this
even to this day 6 months out of the relationship, i am still torn. i wake in the mornings and sometimes check to see if he’s messaged me…i almost want to contact him, but you know what stops me? i get on here and read (i don’t always write a message on here) and slowly the feeling subsides…i have received so much advice on here..and when the feeling returns…i just start all over and read what i have been told…thats part of the process though, falling and getting back up. i definitely feel much better than when i first started and didn’t know what the hell this person was capable of
it feels so good to express my thoughts on here and such a sense of relief and therapeutic, when i get such good advice. honestly i would NEVER have inched forward if it weren’t for this site…i would just love to meet everyone and thank them personally 🙂
i have looked forward to hearing your experience because it has helped just as much as everyone else’s comments and stories…keep expressing your feelings xx
Thanks
I feel my mind has stopped racing ( at least for today)
My weekend away helped a lot
I am not going to let him destroy me!!!