UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
NWHSOM
Your comments remind me of a verse I know….. ” be transformed, but he renewing of your mind”
Thank you.
NWHSOM
Your comments remind me of a verse I know….. ” be transformed, by the enewing of your mind”
Thank you.
Elsa, hon please do not think the way you are feeling…you are a strong person…a very kind hearted, smart, and a go getter. You just crossed path with an evil person.
Please keep venting & asking questions. YOu are not alone, we are here for you!!
I need to try and tAke some time out
I have probably gone overboard having found Lf
I am not upset with any of you, please don’t feel that!
I just can’t cope right now with all my feelings attached to him on top of feeling I haven’t dealt with it all very well on here too.
I genuinely appreciate all your help. Advice and concern. Please, every one if you who has interacted, know that.
You have inspired me with your stories of recovery.
Jm
Thank you so much for this post. It was always so “baffling ” to me why my ex blamed me and shifted it all on me. It makes so much sense. It’s their best defense. That’s why I was declared “mentally insane” so he would have a reason to discard. He probably planned this for years.
To this day he sends notes to his son (which my son ignores and never responds ). Always he states he had no other choice than leaving because of me. Do they honestly believe their own lies to justify the cheating and lies ? Or do they know that they are lying ?
Like Jane and many others here I am so grateful for this site. Reading here and not even posting comments has educated me more than any boon I purchased on that subject. Because everyone here is so honest and it seems like all of us were married/dating /associated with the same man.
And you are so right. Why would Elsa want that loser/coward. That what I labeled my ex. He is not a man, not a father and has never been one. To me he is satans little helper.
kaya48
Maybe you have a similar situation as I did.
I could not figure out why my ex married me. He even admitted that he knew on our wedding day, the moment I told him BEFORE we married that if he didn’t want me, this was the time to walk out.
It took a long time for me to figure out what happened to me…and there are many avantages my ex got by marrying me. BUT…
The Untimate? The #1 reason? He married me to be his scapegoat.
He “HAD” to cheat on me.
He “HAD” to defraud me.
He “HAD” to smear me.
He “HAD” to END me. (tried murder, settled for erasing me.
That’s why your post sounds so similar to mine.
Of course they know it’s a lie to blame it all on us. But they’re sociopaths! And it’s always worked to blame someone else. That’s how they “WIN”!
Except we didn’t lay down and die. By our VIRTUES, in reality, they lost. heh heh heh. Pathetic weenies. And no, I do not underestimate my ex hatred and need for vengeance. But, GOD intervened and my ex’s crafted plan failed.
And yes, my ex believes his own lies. It’s the way a sociopath is made. (It’s only a lie if they say it’s a lie, which of course, they control whether they’d ever say such a thing.)
NWHSOM
i may have asked before but don’t recall
did your ex have a bad upbringing? perhaps leading him to be full of hatred and vengeance?
not that I’m searching for a reason to excuse his behaviour…just curious
janedoe
I am the one who had the bad upbringing. While I don’t approve of my ex’s upbringing, his family was one of the town’s original settlers. That means he had preferred status. Have you ever seen people who could perceive a situation from two directions and yet always claim the negative one? That’s my ex. That’s the lens he looked at everything, as one that entitled him to be predatory and to scam people. My ex ALWAYS seeks to “WIN” rather than to LOVE.
It is my personal experience, as well as the experience of friends from the same kind of background, that we choose what we say to ourselves. I NEVER thought anyone owed me anything. I kept my eye on that magic number where I was legally free and could chose my life, 18yrs. Once I was of age, I worked to earn my way in this world. Just because people are born into a bad family does not mean they are condemned to it. It’s a CHOICE, at least it is here in the USA, not a perfect place but opportunity abounds for anyone who chooses to WORK, and avoidance supports abounds as well… the welfare system is very generous here for lowlifes… not so good for the truly needy, but pretty good for someone who “plays the system.”
I have thought about your ex and his parasitic life choices; he cons people to take care of him. But not in his country of origin. Perhaps he either 1) lied about being from USA as a ruse to con people OR 2) has committed crimes here and can not return without being arrested.
I know, for me, being “wanted” and appreciated was very intoxicating when I first began relationship with my ex. I came from being unwanted and not feeling that anything I did was enough (I was my family scapegoat, as my mom said, the one kid she wished had never been born, which was very wounding to me because I could never figure out what was so deficient in me to make her say such a thing. I got my answer when I learned about sociopaths.). My ex knew about that kind of need before he ever met me, so he targeted me and others who have that need. Your ex has “his target market” too. That’s what parasites do, they target certain types, and they are masters at manipulating that specific market.
Not
Thank you for your comment. Your story is very similar. I remember shortly after I was married , my ex would akways say “when you get older I will leave you or trade you in for a younger one “. I always thought of it as a “joke”.
So, they must believe their own lies. My ex’s most favorite words “I don’t know , I don’t recall, get over it “. And no, we didn’t fall over and die. I know that’s what he wished for and still wishes for. I showed him that I had the strength to file for divorce. I think Cpt America’s ego was a little insulted by this. He wanted to be the petitioner so badly but while he was on a cruise with the coworker/mistress , I beat him to the filing. Not that it had any legal advantage but my lawyer said it’s always an “emotional advantage” to be the petitioner and not the respondent. So true. It boosted my gladiator mode.
And like you , I never underestimate his evilness. I don’t want to live in fear but I always have to be one step ahead. To protect myself and my son. Whatever he throws my way, I just pay my lawyer to respond if needed. I don’t want to make this lawyer richer but it gives me peace of mind not having to deal with the devil again.
I saw this. And thought is us all ( and thought I would bring something positive to LF, in thanks)
May He who is always around you, surround you
May He who has gone before you, Be for you
may. He who is beneath you, and above you, love you
may you know, beyond the boundaries of knowing
and feel, beyond the frailty of your feelings – that you are loved
And may He, who, seen or unseen, is your kinsman, be your redeemer
elsa
this is beautiful
hope your day is going well:)
hugs
Elsa
Thank you for the beautiful comment. I hope you are ok. Everyday used to be a struggle for me. I was like a zombie. But it does get better believe me. Believe in the light and you will be ok.
Great comment, Elsa. I needed that today.
So many thoughts and so many emotions. Trying not to replay every convo I ever had with him in my head. I cannot wait for the day that stops.
I don’t want to see or speak to him and now I need him to get out of my head!
Janedoe
You asked me how I was and I responded but it didn’t load properlands I lost my signal but also deleted the email and can’t find your comment now…
I’m fabulous! I spent the weekend with some school friends and had such a great time that I woke a little hung over yesterday – it was not a day to use my brain and had over 100 emails to get through so only skimmed each one to get the gist of what was going on in the LF world. How are things with you?