UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Undertheradar
I have difficulty as well with posts at certain times. When I respond on my phone it does strange things. On the laptop it works out well.
I’m doing ok although I find the beginning of the week a little tougher. My thoughts go up and down, wishin I cld speak to my ex and then glad I don’t..I’m kind of stuck in this phase it seems.
I assume you’ve not broken NC? Your wkd sounds fabulous and sound safe at the moment! Yay for you..!!
Janedoe
I understand your pain! The beginning of the week seems to taunt me as well then I’ve talked myself sane again by Thursday…oh the cycle…
I’m not contacting him but I’m not being rude or “determined” yet as I’m waiting for my lawyer to freeze all assets as he can liquidate one of them before we know… I do discuss the separation of assets each time I talk to him but have to listen to all his BS about wanting me back and the whys and if we could onlys, that can start the confusion for several days then I’m ok again because he goes half a week with no contact before it starts all over again – peace keeping is a bitch!
My instincts are telling me to take time out from even thinking of him but that would include leaving the security of LF and I’m not sure I’m ready for that?..
undertheradar
yeh i see how that would make you crazy having to pretend with him..because you can’t really start the NC yet..perhaps when that kicks in, you may want to share with us how you are coping..don’t leave LF, helping others is a relief because you get to see that others too have the same problems…
this is a large part of my day now, even if i don’t post, i need to fill my brain with everyones issues and responses…
i would like to say i am an addict to LF instead of the N!!!
Janedoe
Hehe I’m addicted to LF as well!
Sometimes I don’t have time to respond but I read most of the posts or skim over the responses just to keep up 🙂
NWHSOM
I hope I didn’t come across the wrong way…you are a very valued person in my opinion.
I was asking about his background only because I’ve read that sometimes sociopaths do come from a rough upbringing. There are people from all walks of life and that’s not to say only a sociopath comes from a tough life because the percentage of sociopaths is quite small..so they come from all over.
You mentioned your upbringing was rough and you have made somethig of your life and please know i wasnt suggesting otherwise…I was strictly referring to these parasites
I’m assuming you are referring to you mom being a sociopath and perhaps why she neglected you the way she did. Funny she said things about you that don’t remotely sound like you at all. I’m so very sorry you grew up feeling that way. But know on here you aren’t an unwanted person and I hope you know that 🙂
Perhaps mine is unable to come back to the US? I don’t know specifics but he has been here many times without a problem so maybe to come back to live is a problem. I have seen his passport and worked on a family tree with him which seems to prove his citizenship. Maybe coming from such a screwed up life HE just is screwed up himself!
I just think in the end he doesn’t have priorities straight and is a poisoned human with a very screwed up brain. At this point the last I heard from him he’s made his typical promises to me (yada yada yada) and has gone back on them, which just confirms to me, he knows nothing about morals or how to treat people..no excuses.
No Janedoe
I didn’t take any offense at all. I did feel concerned whether you were trying to figure out why your ex turned out the way he did. Many times, the literature says they were made that way by bad childhoods. Maybe SOME were so brain damaged from beatings and bad childhoods, but I subscribe to the nature PLUS nuture, that they have to have that in their physical self for them to gravitate towards that drive in their life experiences, and if a person is NOT born with EVIL, then bad childhoods will NOT cause them to chose evil.
It’s my experience that even sociopaths just use that excuse to elicit sympathy. They consider it a “WIN” to dupe people, that if they’re so dupeable, it’s their victims fault for being… as My ex said, “GULLIBLE”. And he’d laugh at how he “got one over on X” (whoever he saw as his adversary).
NWHSOM
I Can see where a N would use his “bad” upbringing as a ploy to catch people who have empathy
I still don’t know whether it’s all real. I do know his mom isn’t alive, how she died I’m not completely certain. I recall one time he had to make a video of himself for being the top in his class just recently. He was going back to school to get his masters and doctorate..anyway he couldn’t attend the ceremony and had to send a message of thanks. In this he went on to explain how his upbringing was not a good one having had a mom who committed suicide and he had discovered her…
Yeh many people saw this video, but who knows!! Of course he could have lied! He claimed to me he believes she was a prostitue and all siblings of his had different fathers and she sexually abused him as a child and went on to OD on pills…and he found her when he was 12…
He is what he is regardless and probably laughing at me being so gullible and innocent to believe it
I just came across this and thought some of them are so funny!
http://guff.com/20-incredibly-funny-responses-to-a-text-from-an-ex
Good morning ladies. I am having a hard time today. Made myself get up and come to work but really didn’t want to. These ups and downs are killing me. I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I think that this is what withdrawals feel like. He is still in my brain and I can’t make it go away. I replay the past 2 years over and over. I think about it all. I think about the “good” and the bad. I know that the good wasn’t really good and it was lies. I know that it was lovebombing. I know his words were not true but when you are told them everyday it is hard to not think they weren’t sincere. I just feel very alone. It was all a game to him. The back and forth. The I can’t be with you to I can’t live wo you. I do not want that turbulence or chaos in my life anymore either. I just want it to go away. I gave so much of myself to him. I have never done that with anyone else in my life. I poured my soul out to him and in return had it thrown away. That hurts. And I don’t think that he even cares. It probably doesn’t even register on his radar. How can a person keep coming back to someone and telling them that they are their life and love and soulmate and partner, etc and at the same time be trying to get back with another person and telling them the same things??!!?? And why did I take him back every time? How can a person have sex with you and the very next day go to his ex-wife’s house and work on things for her and tell her that he is changing his life and he is a better man??!!??
I needed to vent. I needed to get it out. I know that this is a process. I just want it to hurry up and be over.
Question….I have many things that he has given me over the years. Some as simple as a card and others expensive like jewelry. How should I dispose of these items?
Thank you to everyone here. It’s just one of those days.
Hi Freedom,
Sorry that you are having one of those days. 🙁
Even, with sustained NC, there are those days. Something can trigger a downward tailspin. Just have to press through.
Reviewing our list of good and bad things about the spath helps. Because in truth there weren’t many good things. And, like you said, those were not real.
Your questions about “how could he?” — well, how could he?!!! How could they?!! Truth: they have NO conscience; they are soul-less or maybe they sold their soul to the devil. At any rate, we can’t change them. And, they are not feeling creatures like we are. Know: they are creating their own hell. However, we don’t have to live there anymore.
If those items are a trigger, it is probably better to get rid of them if possible. I have been surprised that things which the x-spath gave me or we bought together are just things to him, just items, objects to my x-spath. Maybe items of monetary value so he wants them, but, never items of sentimental value. Any sentiment attached to them are from me, not him. The spaths were never there. Those things do not mean anything special for them. Remember — they don’t have a heart.
Hang in there. It will get better, each day away from them in actuality and in thought will make things improve. ((((Hugs)))).
Thank you, Sane. I have all of these items and I feel like I need to get rid of them for him to be out of my life and at the same time want to keep them to remind me that he was in my life! How crazy is that!?!
I will press through. I have to. I know that I don’t mean anything to him. He doesn’t have a heart.
I read on another thread on here about the look in their eyes when you are trying to tell them something of importance. That there is this void, blank look. I never knew that really existed before until I saw that look in his eyes over and over again.
I’m rambling but it helps!
freedom15
I am sorry b/c I am slow on the uptake of your story. I have tried to go back, and apologize for asking you to repeat certain facts/details.
Are you sure he’s divorced? He doesn’t act like a divorced man, he acts like a separated, married man.
As the wife of a cheating, scamming, fraudster… I can tell you he didn’t like that I got anything in the divorce and has tried to get back with me. Because he was EXTREMELY vicious in his discard, I am not so stupid to think he missed me or is sorry. He’s a sociopath and considers all my asset as HIS property, just as he considered me his servant, while he was off screwing other women and expected me to sit home and just take the humiliation and abuse.
So, I’m gonna suggest to you that his motivation was to scam whatever assets the wife got in the divorce… but he also wants to scam you too. You have assets he targeted.
I have lots of jewelry as well. It USED To have HUGE emotional meaning to me, he gave me gems that are attributed to my daughter and other gems that are attributed to me. Now I know, and one of his flings rubbed it in my face, that if he was screwing someone else, he gave me a “bauble” to calm the “b* (me). For years, I looked at the jewelry given during our marriage and HATED it, HATED what it represented. Now I have healed quite a bit and I see it as gold/gems, something to sell at my leisure. I might just have it transformed. That’s what I had to do to my special places and special songs and anything that used to have emotional meaning for me. I couldn’t eliminate them, but I transformed them into MY OWN memories and MY OWN joy… something he can’t take from me.
Put the jewelry away and save for a rainy day when you want to transform them into something different, when that day comes… because that day WILL COME when you know you can live with it as transformed. In fact, transformed is a very empowering feeling.
How can he do this crap to you? Because he has no conscience. If you watch video of prison inmates, they show that our ex’s are similar in thought… that they think since we were “gullible”, we deserve what we got. I can almost accept such convoluted BS, but I don’t accept that my innocent darling daughter deserved to be mindf*, to have her whole childhood rendered into nothingness. For what he did to her, my mother lion in me ROARS.
Hang on girl, the good thing about one of those days is that they come fewer and nearly not at all as time goes on. The people here at LF do a good job breaking the spell. There’s enough of us with varied experiences of specific sociopathic types that one will resonate with your needs.
Freedom15, I know just how you feel, wanting the process to hurry up and be over!! Even with a hard day, you sound very rational and on point!
As for what to do with the things”take your time. It took me quite a while (a couple of years) to deal with the things. Jewelry of value I sold on ebay. I priced it low so I was sure it would sell and didn’t feel a thing when I shipped it. I have a problem throwing things away when they have value but no one really wants them”so those things took longer. I had a very nice bottle of perfume that I hadn’t used much because I didn’t really like it, but it was costly. I hung onto it for quite awhile and it was the subject of more than one conversation in therapy. One day, on trash morning, I walked it out and tossed it into the can right ahead of the trash truck”I felt guilty for about a minute and never thought about it again. Anything with writing I shredded and took to a dumpster in town (someone once told me it was good to throw things away off your property to get rid of the energy). Printed photos I shredded and one I burned in the kitchen sink. Clothes that reminded me of him I put in the donate bag. He bought me an iPad and I still have it, only because I don’t want to spend money on a new one right now – eventually it will go. The hardest thing proved to be a pair of Uggs, of all things. They were worn in to cozy goodness and I loved them with a passion. I had bought a replacement pair and they sat in the box. I wore those things almost daily and I couldn’t forget that he had bought them for me. When the house sold, the morning I drove away from it the last time I dropped them in the trash can.
Do what feels right for you. If you can make a little cash, do so. If you know someone who will like something, give it to them. If it makes you feel good to smash something, do that too.
NWHSOM, Yes he is now divorced. He was not when we first got together. I did not know this at the beginning but soon found out and still kept seeing him. He is newly divorced as it was not final until December of last year. Yes, I was the other woman. And I am sure that I wasn’t the only one. No, he does not act like he is divorced because I do not think that he wanted to be. He wanted his “life” and everything else as well. The ex-wife and I have had several discussions. It has been a roller coaster.
HM, I am trying to be rational. I wasn’t married to him, he didn’t live with me, so I feel fortunate in that regard. I feel like many of you have had it so much worse than I have. And that I shouldn’t vent on here about it but it does help. He didn’t physically abuse me, mentally yes. So I am trying. Trying to piece myself back together again.
The objects I have all have meaning to me. They are a part of a story that I lived. I have to deal with them in some way and you all have given me good examples.
Thank you.
I do understand completely. And the emotional turmoil is painful in itself. I never felt like his “other woman” but in some ways I was. On the edge of his life, while he tried to let me think he had such an unhappy home life and had found such comfort in our friendship. I did feel litem it meant something to him but we were all disposable commodities once they had finished with us!
Hey freedom15
Weird of me to say, but if my ex had physically abused me, I know I would have left. My marriage felt “off” but who divorces just because of something that can’t be seen or measured? Just because of something undefined, ethereal. I think most of us were mentally, financially, professionally SEVERELY mindf*. My ex definitely was a “having his cake and eating lots of other cakes at the same time” kind of cheater. Not one woman, he was constantly trolling. Although he used sex to convince women that he wanted them, what he really looked for was assets. The woman he finally settled for is very well off… but he cheats on her too, with other women who loan him money and provide a bed anytime his current girlfriend does something that displeases him… not that he’d be honest and resolve his issue with the woman who thinks they are in relationship. He’s a “spotty leopard”.
Venting is part of the process. Just knowing we’re not alone and that others relate is empowering. It helped me to write it out as well, I HAD to get it out of my head or else I just cycled the same thoughts. Writing FORCED me to answer my own questions. It didn’t END my cycle questions but I think it shortened the processing time.
He told me many times how much he loved mindf*ing people. At the time, I just laughed bc no way was he doing that to me. HA! Was I wrong! He told me how much he loved getting in people’s head. Making them question. And again, he couldn’t possibly be doing that to me. HA, again!
And yes being here helps me tremendously!
I also have to deal with the fact that I was a part of the problem. I allowed it to happen. I should have stopped the affair but didn’t. I was so sucked in. That healing process and dealing with that internally is what I am doing as well. It is all encompassing.
freedom15
For me, it helped when I learned to tell myself the truth. So I am driven to do the same when I hear someone who needs the truth.
You did NOT “allow it to happen”. If you had the FULL TRUTH, you would have made a different choice. You were MANIPULATED by a MASTER sociopath.
I am betting you didn’t know what you were dealing with at the time, which is the same story for all of us.
I had no idea what I was dealing with. Never in my life have I had to deal with someone like him. And God, I hope that I never have to again.
I am having a hard time too. It should be easy he cheated on me and his wife with someone else and is still back and forth. He was supposed to be ending his marriage but it doesnt matter. I shouldnt want to be with someone who is like this. I miss him, i work with him and seeing him is torture for me. He does not care and you can tell bcs of how he acts. He does not have any feelings for me at all. He did say several weeks ago that he would still like to be with me and that he missed me but now he is saying he is not doing anything with anyone. My guess he is with the girl amanda. She is lucky she gets all of him. I hate this. It never bothers the NP. just us.
Mine was separated when we first started then he got back with his wife and i saw him 2 more times after that. He was with his wife, seeing me and sleeping with amanda who he and his wife let stay there. I dont have anything that he gave me I had things I gave him and I asked for them back he gave the shirt I waited a long time to get and he gave it to amanda. he gave me money for it but that wasnt the point. I am such a broken woman because I didnt want to be the other woman but I was the other woman woman. He wanted both lives actually all three and I got nothing. I didnt want him to have anything of me. I guess it was better not having anything of his except pictures and I saved our messages. This is so hard. I just spoke to my NP and said were you even born with feelings, his answer, at one point I guess i did. I said you can just get rid of me and not be with me. He said you would not believe what I can do and not have feelings for. I feel like amanda got the best deal. I hate working with him and feeling alone. this is terrible. Its only been since december but he kind of let me believe he wanted to get together again. Now, he said nothing anymore. What the is it yes or no. He never answers with a yes or no. He says he is not sure of the future and if he would do this again with me.
inthemiddleofheartache
this is all new to you, you are completely shattered and its normal! its almost as though you want to believe that he isn’t the kind of person he appears to be…i know i still think this way. and you have it harder due to the fact you work with him..
even if he wants to be together with you, there are too many others involved here because he is married, most importantly, and he is stringing along this other girl.
i would be exactly like you…you already know, this site will save you, keep brainwashing your mind with the stories you hear on here, read all you can, take all the advice possible from here, not anyone else, because they do not understand..especially your co workers..
i never thought i could recover, or be on the way to recovery…at the beginning there was no way i could, i am in the middle stages right now, but i am looking at the end of the road because i WANT to get there..
let this site brainwash you the way these idiots did to you and me, i promise you it will help
I don’t feel very qualified to comment but I know exactly how you feel, even coming from a friendship perspective.
He had also given me things, nothing of significance. We ran a pottery course for example and he participated and gave me his creation, a lovely vase. ( now smashed against a wall), an umber all he bought because once he saw me struggling in the wind with one which kept turning inside out and we laughed so much!!! Stupid things which were just linked to silly incidents! But because of that, they meant something!
I have thrown everything away and cropped all my project photos so that he isn’t in them!!
It is hard!!!
AND I have just been out to the shop and was driving my car and he was there!! He smiles at me and waved at me like nothing had happened. It is three weeks today since he blasted me. I didn’t wave at him, just drove by but I am sure he saw the look on my face, I literally felt physically sick and scared!
I want to slap his face and scream at him but I know he would say ” you are being silly” and belittle m feelings and thoughts so what is the point?
I hope you get through this day and feel a bit better. X
elsa
I know how hard that was to see him. I understand how you felt but…. You were VERY courageous when you drove past him. AMAZING woman. You did what you had to do. F.N. GOOD JOB YOU AMAZING woman!! It’ll happen again and now you know you can do it. Just come here so we can send cheers to you. I KNOW what it took and I CELEBRATE you.
It was very hard. I know you probably can’t imagine, but my local town consists of one main road and he lives on it. He walked out of his gate right tag the moment I was passing and I had to slow down for oncoming traffic. I just looked at him!!
Yes, I can do it. But I felt very sad!!,
elsa
I know. Sad. But you did get through it and it is a huge fear. So wrap your arms around you and HUG hard. You deserve kudos every time you get through a hard time. We can send huggy words. Okay?
Elsa, I second NWHSOM”you ROCK!!
Elsa, you did amazing. These people do not deserve us in their lives. We have to heal from them.
I know that I will have good days and bad days.
But I go with what Sane keeps telling us….NC is the way to go. Without it, life is chaos.
elsa
good for you..you got over your fear of seeing him..
the best time for that to happen is when you aren’t expecting him to be there.
you were in turmoil the past few weeks because you were scared of what to do and now you did it…way to go!!
the worst part is over so now you can continue on with NC
keep coming back and expressing thoughts and feelings, it helps to vent away and get them out of your system with people who understand
I am having a hard time too. It should be easy he cheated on me and his wife with someone else and is still back and forth. He was supposed to be ending his marriage but it doesnt matter. I shouldnt want to be with someone who is like this. I miss him, i work with him and seeing him is torture for me. He does not care and you can tell bcs of how he acts. He does not have any feelings for me at all. He did say several weeks ago that he would still like to be with me and that he missed me but now he is saying he is not doing anything with anyone. My guess he is with the girl amanda. She is lucky she gets all of him. I hate this. It never bothers the NP. just us.
Inthemiddle….she isn’t lucky. She doesn’t have any of him. None of us did or do. I know it is hard to think that way. Believe me, I have thought it about his ex-wife. I have thought that she is lucky to have him. If she chooses to take him back, she will be in the same boat that she has been in.
I am having a hard time too. It should be easy he cheated on me and his wife with someone else and is still back and forth. He was supposed to be ending his marriage but it doesnt matter. I shouldnt want to be with someone who is like this. I miss him, i work with him and seeing him is torture for me. He does not care and you can tell bcs of how he acts. He does not have any feelings for me at all. He did say several weeks ago that he would still like to be with me and that he missed me but now he is saying he is not doing anything with anyone. My guess he is with the girl amanda. She is lucky she gets all of him. I hate this. It never bothers the NP. just us.
freedom15
i am so so like you..i can’t believe its like listening to myself think, by what you are saying…i as well replay ov er and over, many times a day…
how could he really have love bombed me…i would never have fallen for a scam artist who does that, because i have spotted them before!
he even recontacted me at xmas and made so many promises and then just left me high and dry…again!! i believed him and told him, since his short-lived marriage wasn’t working out and he wasn’t trying to make it work, i would consider things with him again…
its not possible he is an N or S…no way
then i think to myself, , “yeh so if he isn’t one then where is he? what about all those promises he told me? what if he is in trouble and can’t get in touch with me? what if someone has been lurking around his shoulder and he is desperately trying to reach me?”
i gave so much to him as well…how can there be such a person who exists to destroy everything we had??
exactly like you mentioned…how can he have sex with me one day, say horrible things about the woman he was pretending he wasn’t marrying, but turn around a week later and marry her??
i think i am in this a bit longer than you, but its not going away like i want it to…i am torn believing what i want to believe versus what he really is!!
i never did get any gifts from mine, i don’t know if thats good or bad, but i don’t have anything to destroy or get rid of…ive gotten rid of all pics, emails, anything related to him…i know he has a fb account but i won’t go anywhere near that, i do not want to see anything…
if i were uyou….destroy it all..in my opinion, that prolongs any kind of healing. if i had all the thousands of emails and texts we had, i would go nuts…i have no physical reminders of him anymore, just the thoughts tormenting me
I also sold most things on Craigslist or donated to goodwill. Furniture I just kept because I didn’t have the funds to replace it all. My next goal is to get rid of the bed that we once shared. My pets love it so I am having a hard time to let it go.
The things never had any emotional value to them anyhow. It was all replaceable items including us. So I don’t connect the items with him anymore. I am sure they got better things now and fresher, sexier minions. But that’s ok. We have so much more then them. We have a heart and we have a soul.
Everything else is replaceable.
Kaya you’re right, the things never had any emotional value to them anyhow. On the other hand, I was raised to value and treasure things and the thought behind them.
My ex didn’t give a lot of random gifts but one time before one of those miserable cruises, he gave me a very beautiful pair of earrings, saying that they were a “bon voyage” gift, and that he felt bad because he didn’t buy me more gifts. It was really out of character for him.
I’m not certain, but I think it was the cruise that he had tried to get the other woman to go with him on. If it was, I bet he bought them for her.
I get really cranky when I think of all the Tommy Bahama shirts I bought for him that got worn on “dates” with other women.
Elsa
Good for you smashing the case against the wall. You know screaming at them, cussing them out will absolutely do nothing in your favor. When I screamed at my husband for cheatibg and lying you know what he did? He looked at me with his ice cold eyes and had a smirk on his face and he said “wow, you should be committed you are so f**** crazy. “. There, he had his victory again. Ignoring him is the best “punishment ” . Remember, they put themselves above God and how dare do I ignore his existence and importance? That’s where I can hurt him. Not that he gets hurt but it gives me peace.
My ex used to say (slow and with a smirk) “look at you”look at the way you’re acting”.
No more.
“he” used to say to me when I got upset………. ” see how you are carrying on, why???? It’s not like as if we mean anything to each other, we are just having a laugh”
I used to get upset when he dismissed me , shouted at me, ignored me, withdrew without any explanation etc. But I should just have laughed, I expect.
A few weeks ago, I met him on the street and said a quick hello and passed by as I was rushing somewhere, the next time I saw him, his first words were ….. ” oh, are you speaking to me today then?” ( said in a way that implied he was offended/ upset)
Huh!!! I don’t have any words!!!
Elsa, what a thing to say “it’s not like as if we mean anything to each other”. We need to learn to actually hear those words and get up, walk away and not look back.
In the beginning of our relationship, in the honeymoon stage when things were great, my ex told me that he was really happy with me and getting very attached, BUT that after being married his whole life, he may want to date a whole lot of women and not get too attached to one”that he wasn’t sure “this” was what he wanted. I recall saying something like – wow, if you’ve found something good, why would you want to look elsewhere (I was feeling good myself)? He said he agreed. I now realize that it was HORRIBLE for him to say something like that to me (and rather high schoolish) and I should have heard his words and got out.
They tell us who they are. We just don’t listen.
HM, after his divorce was final and he once again came back to me, he told me that he knew that he wanted me in his life. That I was the one. Then not 2 weeks later, he said, I really need to think about if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. We really need to see if this is what we want.
WHAT!?! I was again, completely thrown for a loop.
All of the pieces of who he is were falling into place for me but I didn’t listen. It wasn’t until 3 weeks ago after another discard/silent treatment and coming here did I listen. I failed again a week later after he contacted me. And tomorrow will be another week of NC but if I haven’t listened by now…I never will. Being here has finally shown me the light.
Oh, gosh, Freedom15, is that a familiar story! My ex always came back into my life after mini-discards with a story about how he realized that I was the one”until the next time.
The last mini-discard was the longest and lasted from Labor Day until Thanksgiving. I was just getting used to it when he materialized with an amazing story of how he had spent the time reflecting on his life (gag) and how every picture of the future he imagined had me standing beside him. (I’ve read that these monsters are masters of imagery and my ex was no exception.) He alluded to all the mini-discards, and said that he was committed to “making things work” and that there would be no more – that together (soaring music) we could overcome anything and he would never leave the relationship again.
This set us on the path that lead us to buying the house together. Within less than 90 days after escrow closed, he was gone for good and he didn’t keep one financial commitment he had made. He left me in ruins.
HM, do they read the same book bc my NP told his ex-wife almost the same thing that you just wrote!!! She sent me the text! He told her that he was taking the steps to get back on tract and he knew that those steps all lead back to her.
elsa
notice how he changed everything around and said “oh are you speaking to me today then”
acting as though he didn’t do anything wrong, and you have finally come to your senses to speak to him…yuck they pretend they have this sensitivity to them..
isn’t that a form of manipulation?? or brain f***ing?
my ex would not acknowledge my existence. He said nothing, no expression. I learned it did NO good to rage at him, and I sure wanted to rage! Once I caught him talking to himself in the mirror when he was shaving, “she sure tore into you” but not a single word about why I was upset.
I will tell you that it takes a lot to get me angry or upset. But he knew to attack me by hurting my daughter or setting her up to hurt me.
kaya
i agree that telling them what they’ve done wrong did nothing for me at all…
he would either point to his ears if we were on Skype or something and say he couldn’t hear me..or one time went on to tell me, “you can babble all you want, but you know, it goes right out the other ear and i won’t even remember what you’re saying”
but when he had something to say…i had to drop what i was doing, look at him, have an opinion about what he was saying…it revolved all around whatever he was saying..
sometimes he would ask how my day was going..i would purposely ignore the question to see if he would ask me again…nope, never…unless it related to sex would he ask again…it all about them all of the time
Hanalei
He would say the exact same “look at you … How you are acting , get yourself together. ” then of course I got the silent treatment. He also would say ugly things to my son , his son. “Look at your mother , how crazy she is “. Only, my son defended me, my son knew about his fathers “dark” secrets , the picture taking , the text messages with the minions. He was 17 years old and not 10.
I am still very sad that my son has such evil father but he has me and that’s plenty. it’s so vicious to blame us for his lies and betrayals. But they still do look into the mirror and love themselves. Because they think they are such great gifts. Yuck.
I just read that once they decided to discard you, you have absolutely no more value to them at all. When they thought you were beautiful , now you are just a plain, angry woman. While they thought you were intelligent at the beginning , now you are so dumb you dont even see that they are cheatibg on you. If you were faithful, they use it against you. You are so ugly nobody wants to cheat with you . If you are kind and giving, you are an idiot now. There is no rationing with them once they decided to discard. They look at you with disgust , you are an obstacle now. That obstacle needs to be removed and destroyed.
They will never have good memories of you because they erase them all. What you thought was happy times , now they are times of unhappiness for them.
We can never understand how they function but now that I know so much more than the past 23 years, it really makes sense to me. It was never me . HE and only HIM is to blame for my marriage falling apart. It takes a huge load of me and it is comforting to know that it does not take 2 for a divorce. No matter what other people are saying. I know the truth.
Kaya this is a great comment. All true.
You got it HanaleiMoon. All true so very true that I should just follow ya’ll remarks with ditto ditto ditto. or I’d rather say yip yap yup yup yup. 🙂
Things are happening so fast. What i believed in and knew is no longer. I trusted this person and what he said was not truth, all lies and deceit. But i still want more truth. I do wonder what he is doing all day. He used to come visit me and follow me and we would talk. I dont really have anyone at my work to talk to and it was just him. I have no one now. I cant tell my co workers because he went back to his wife and they would blame me and not him. i work with mostly men. I feel isolated and in despair. Im leaving the house i worked on and loved and moving to an apt to spend the rest of my miserable life alone.
inthemiddleofheartache, I understand how you feel here too, but you will not spend the rest of your life alone, because I will not either, no matter how bleak it seems right now.
I empathize with you so much! I sold a beloved little house I had owned for almost 20 years in order to buy my dream home with him. Although he wanted it sold right away, it took over a year working through attorneys to get him to sign the listing agreement and then it sold for $100k less than we paid for it. The financial loss was all mine. I am now living in a rental house that doesn’t suit me (and I don’t have the heart to fully unpack in) in a location that I swore I’d never return to. I feel isolated too.
The despair dissipates as you find a new rhythm. I’m not giving up! Every day is not good, but there is good in every day and I am glad to be alive and healthy and not expected to give blow jobs on command. I’m not where I want to be in any sense, but I’m heading in the right direction. I know you miss him, and that will gradually go away. New people and interests will come into your life. One thing for sure is that what you believe in from here forward will be real.
Hugs!!
Yes your right. I wish i someone here with me to hug and feel better. and yes i wont have to do the sex stuff to get attention bcs when it comes down to it that is all i had anyway. it has been a lonely existence. I hope it gets better. I hate it that i cant speak to anyone directly abt any of this. i am so glad i found this place bcs it would be worse if i didnt. Sadness that all i know rite now.
inthemiddleofheartache
Your brain does not discern any difference between you hugging yourself and others hugging you. SO wrap those arms around you and HUG a HUGE Squeezing HUG that any of us would give you….and talk to yourself, give yourself encouragements. You Will get THROUGH this.
As I heard someone say today, the “shooting has stopped”.
This reference wasnt for a job it was for something that I was doing outside of work and he has done it and offered it to me. He gave me his address on a piece of paper and all. The biggest thing for me is that no one understands. I dont have my one friend who really wasnt a friend understand what the hell happened to me. I cant just get over this. Its not like a switch and that is what is so maddening to me. I thought I would be ok and just act like nothing happened but its not working that way. I would like to get another job now but I am also moving and in the middle of the divorce as well. it get finalized in April. This was the person i counted on. he was there when i got my new position at work, he was there when i was feeling crummy and he was the one who said i was special, pretty, etc. A couple of weeks ago he is still getting divorced and misses me and want to see me again. I didnt even get a chance to speak abt the amanda thing bcs i cant talk to him at work abt any of this bcs he doesnt want to. i tried to speak with him outside but he cant. but if he stays with her im done anyway bcs i dont want to be a part of that. The problem is it doesnt stop the hurt that I am feeling inside.
I have been where you are. I was there this morning. I felt isolated and in despair. I trusted mine as well. I gave him all of me and I got nothing in return.
And now, I have to rebuild my life.
inthemiddleofheartache
Dump and discard is fast. It’s easy for the one who was never emotionally connected and thus had moved on before your affair ever started.
He used you to control his wife. He used the third woman to control you AND his wife. And she’ll stay until he discards her because she is getting a payoff, a terrible soul breaking payoff. She’s in his home and cheating to the wife’s face. But the discard will be just the same for her so I do pity her.
If you can move, if your job skills are mobile, I’d recommend it only because it makes healing so much easier than having the wound ripped open. When you work in the same place, he knows enough about you to smear you and put your livelihood in danger. If they can get others to blame you, they can get them to smear you in ways you can’t predict or protect yourself from.
When you get to a certain point in healing, you will feel FREE and that’s such a wonderful feeling that you won’t think being alone is miserable, you see it for the gift that it is, a place to heal and to renew and to be empowered.
kaya48
It is a testament to my healing that I can read your post and not spend the rest of the day sobbing.
Again what you write is part of my story. I was erased. My name removed from our utility bills and bank accounts closed and reopened in his name only. No more invites for us, just for him. And people helping my ex to cheap, open ridicule of me and approval for his cheating because they said he couldn’t stand to touch me, that I was SO ugly. Maybe I was ugly. I spent so much time that last year crying and crying. It was part of our agreement that I not work outside the home, it made sense because our joint business was three pronged and sometimes of the year, we worked 18hr days, and only about 6 wks of the year was a slow time. Towards the end, I had tried to have a business in order to support myself, but I couldn’t figure out why I had such a hard time getting customers, I knew I did exceptional work. The rejection was from everywhere. In an area where it was hard to find affordable rentals, I finally found one and moved out. Then when I realized some of what was really happening, I moved FAR away to not be a target of bullies and not have to see my ex be with others who LOVED to rub my face in their affair. I returned one last time, for a legal reason and that was when I was nearly murdered and the county deputy was PART OF IT.
Dummy me, I STILL could not understand what was wrong with me that people, and my husband/family/his friends were so vicious towards me. My husband’s contempt for me was unending.
And yet, once the divorce was final, my ex felt sorry for himself, that I was “the best thing that ever happened to him” and “he missed me and thought we always reconcile”. After nearly murdering me, the STD’s, taking nearly all our marital assets with the assistance of our local bank tellers, leaving me without any income or assets after 20 years of marriage and I mean NOTHING, I was not allowed to work outside the home so guess what my resume looked like. Express pity for himself that I divorced him.
TO ALL
Once you realize what a sociopath is, you realize you were scammed and that NOTHING came from you. That’s what is so very good about LF, THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. And once you are free, you will see how he imprisoned you and You will NEVER want that pondscum or his ilk Ever again.
kaya
in my case when he doesnt need to think of me because he is “married” yes i am forgotten as though I never existed…
but funny, when he needed me at xmas for the first time since we ended things, he poured out how much i meant to him, our memories we so special to him, i was the most beautiful and giving and most compassionate person ever, sexiest…he wasn’t trying to make his marriage work,,,etc
i think only when they want something all the pretend good stuff resurfaces…in my experience I’m referring to..perhaps because you had been married it was different?
when we were ending things he told me, like i was the bad person in all of this, “lets not argue and call names, i want to remember all the good things about you and not what you are acting like at this moment”
ok so i was supposed to be nice to him with the fact that during our last year together he was screwing around with a girl 30 years younger, telling her they were marrying and telling me they were not? telling me, he and i were moving closer to one another? not get upset with being on vacation with him and from there going to get married?? what?? i wasn’t normal because i got upset, right?? .sometimes i can’t believe it
In the middle
How can you say that the girl Amanda is lucky to have all of him? Hd is a disgusting liar and whoever he is with is in hell. She is the unlucky person, the receiver of his lies. She is not lucky at all.
I say she is lucky because she is with him and the way he is acting like being all honest now is how I wanted him to act with me. When i see him at work on his cell phone he now shows it to me and says just reading the news. He is acting like he is this upstanding person. He never acted this way with me.
inthemiddleofheartache
“ACTING”… being the operative word.
My ex could ACT too, he called it “getting one over on people”. But because it’s not real, they can’t SUSTAIN their ACTING.
You know what he is under the skin, and she’s NOT so lucky, just as You weren’t so lucky when the wife was in Your shoes.
It’s CRAZY and one which I wish for NO ONE, I wish you freedom, his wife freedom, and Amanda freedom. @beenthere. Still ALIVE in spite of him.
I appreciate your comments. I hate it that what i feel inside is tied up to him. He also said to me yesterday that it is easy for him to give things up and that he was born with feelings at some point. And he wants to be a reference for me? I am still in shock about the way he interacts with me and that it seems so unreal.
He wants to be a reference for you so he can still exert control over your life. That is the game – CONTROL. The reference is the bait that he dangles to keep you lingering and hoping for some notice from him. While you are struggling in the water with the hook firmly in your mouth, he is free to go tend to the fish on the ends of his other lines – and probably to cast a few new lures as well.
inthemiddleofheartache, I completely missed the thing about him wanting to be a reference for you. NoMoreWool’s point is perfect and the image of the fish struggling couldn’t be better.
It is NEVER good to use a man you have had a personal relationship with as a reference even if things are amicable and ended well”because you never know if his attitude will change by the time a prospective employer gets around to calling him and you have no control over what he will say. You can’t trust this guy even when he’s standing in front of you and no telling what he might “innocently” say to a prospective employer.
You’ve got a few months to cultivate better references.
Awhile back I warned you to keep a log of what happens in the office to protect yourself, and told you about my ex’s antics in the office that lead to several women losing their jobs. Be careful, be on guard, and don’t underestimate the damage he can do – you really are in a minefield. If it was me, I wouldn’t let him know I was looking for jobs and I also wouldn’t let him know WHERE I was applying. It would be feeding him intel that he can use to trip you up.
He is really messing with you in the office, where you are essentially trapped. As long as you are there, I can’t say enough – be careful, be on guard, do not trust him. Keep your plans to yourself.