UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Mine was separated when we first started then he got back with his wife and i saw him 2 more times after that. He was with his wife, seeing me and sleeping with amanda who he and his wife let stay there. I dont have anything that he gave me I had things I gave him and I asked for them back he gave the shirt I waited a long time to get and he gave it to amanda. he gave me money for it but that wasnt the point. I am such a broken woman because I didnt want to be the other woman but I was the other woman woman. He wanted both lives actually all three and I got nothing. I didnt want him to have anything of me. I guess it was better not having anything of his except pictures and I saved our messages. This is so hard. I just spoke to my NP and said were you even born with feelings, his answer, at one point I guess i did. I said you can just get rid of me and not be with me. He said you would not believe what I can do and not have feelings for. I feel like amanda got the best deal. I hate working with him and feeling alone. this is terrible. Its only been since december but he kind of let me believe he wanted to get together again. Now, he said nothing anymore. What the is it yes or no. He never answers with a yes or no. He says he is not sure of the future and if he would do this again with me.
In the middle
Reading your last comment. You are making yourself an option to him? Do you honestly want to be an “option” to someone ? Either he is committed to you or not. There is no between. Everything in between you are giving him so much power over you. You are worth more than that.
In the middle…please listen to Kaya. She is so right. I made myself an option to him too many times. We are worth more than that. I will not let him make me an option any longer. I am taking away his power.
I am still hurting over this. I know that I will for some time to come but reading what these wonderful ladies write helps me so much.
Come here and read and write and listen to them.
And knowing that you have to work with him makes me sick. I know that finding a good job is hard but I don’t think I could go to work day in and day out if I worked with mine.
I think that you are stronger than you think you are!!
Thank you so much for all your nice comments. I am so sad today and lonely. I miss the times I had and I know they were not the truth now but being in my mid 40s i invested so much time into this and now to have nothing. I thought that I was special to him. I wish I could get another job. I cant bcs the health benefits i need for my daughter. I got a good job too. I got promoted and all the time this was happening i was with him. So in my time changing he was a part of it. Now he is not of it. I dont get it how do you go from telling someone that you miss it with them and that you would like to again to now Im not doing anything with anyone? How do you shift that way. How do you act like everything is ok and that nothing happened with this person? I know he is still speaking with her and I would love to tell her all I know but im sure it wont matter. I wanted to email him and tell him off he would probably delete it and not read it. How do you accept and have it sit well with you that you dont matter, exist or mean anything to this person anymore? How do you say ok this happened and it is ok and to let go and have it not reck your life? I cant look at him without feeling extreme pain. He is content on chatting with me and acting like this never happened between us. Really???
Honey, I get it! Every word!! I think the exact same things!
I invested 2 years of my life with him. He told me everything yours told you. I have a great job and he was there with me when I was being vetted for it. He encouraged me and told me I was the one for it. He was there through the entire vetting process.
I asked the how questions in an earlier post today. You need to read the responses from these ladies.
It doesn’t sit well with me that I don’t exist or mean anything to him anymore. It hurts like hell. BUT he doesn’t care. He is incapable of caring. He is a shell with no soul! He is DEAD inside.
I have stuff i got while with him. The places we went. I feel like a shell of a person who has no place. All my foundations have been leveled by the one i loved. He didnt love me what i believed about myself was what he told me and I dont know how to tell myself now things i need to hear to move forward. I try not to think of him and try not think of anything but me but somehow he always creeps in and then I am lost again.
inthemiddle
it won’t matter if you email him…he sees things a certain way at the moment and he does not care what you think..
i know this, its happened to me..
at the beginning when i would email to tell him how hurt i am, and how could a human possibly do this….those messages, went unanswered. either he didn’t want to answer because he knew it was immoral, or he couldn’t be bothered..
try not to be fooled when he reaches out to you in some way..mine did only to get upset with me the next day for bothering him and he would respond when he could…havent heard since then…yeh I’m hurt, but its my fault to have believed him when he resurfaced…
try your damnedest not to let him get into your head when/if he recontacts….and hold off contacting him with your feelings, you will just be hurt again when he doesn’t respond
The hardest part for me is the memories. I just cant believe that someone would twist my emotions around for his benefit. I cant believe he lied and was with this girl and tell me he was leaving the wife. He had no plans of any of this. he wanted all of it. selfish jerk. I think of all the stuff i bought for him and he got rid of. the stuff he gave to other people and the stuff i bought for he and i when we were together. Did i mean anything to him at all? Was all my interactions with him fake?
So basically he is playing me because i have been discarded never to be with him again? is this why he is doing it. Is he with her still and doesnt need me. did he even see any value in me? This is the most horrible feeling ever. I could never ever do this to another person. He never gives me a direct answer. I asked him today if he was getting divorced and he said he did not want to discuss this with me or anyone. So am i to just say ok and walk away. Especially after his comments. I am so confused.
I am probably not the best to give any advice right now but this is what I feel….
He needed me (you) when it was convenient for him. He needed me (you) when he wanted it (whatever that may be). He told me (you) what we wanted to hear at any given time. The only value he saw in me (you) is what he could get for him. What could we give him. What can he take from us. When he was done with that he was done with us.
You are never going to get a direct answer. I asked the same questions. Got the same answers. When he told me that the divorce papers were filed for record, I double checked. They were. Then after a week or so, I asked if he had gotten the final judgment of divorce. He said that he hadn’t heard anything from the attorney. So I check…liar! The final judgment was filed and had been. I emailed him a copy. I only attached the final order and did not have a comment. He replied that he had received them but didn’t know how to tell me. Gave me a story about not wanting to run Christmas with his son.
The moral of that story, I was not going to get a direct answer to any questions.
Should you say ok and walk away? Yes. Easier said than done…I know that for a fact.
Yes you are so right. I am the one that should stop the contact but i cant. I feel so empty and feel like i cant believe this is happening to me. I thought i would be ok and that i got this. but when he acts smug or seems like on top of his game i think how can he be after what he did. i would have never found out about amanda if someone didnt tell me about it. With that alone i should hate him but i dont. its like i want to punish myself why? why cant I move on. I cant tell anyone at work that I was with this person because that would be even worse. This has turned out to be a disaster on all levels. I am packing my house as I got divorced finalized through all of this and was looking forward to him coming over to my place and spending time with him. This has turned my whole world upside down. the only thing i have is my job. my daughter is in school college and I just have me again. alone as usual.
inthemiddleofheartache, I know how you feel, because I was left in a big house we had just bought together that he never even bothered to move into in a new state where I didn’t know a soul, with no job and overwhelming financial responsibilities. Yep, alone as usual. Boy, is that the story of MY life.
I am living proof that it can be done. Your job can be a lifeline that gives you structure and purpose. At the most basic, a place you have to be, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It took me a few months to find a job and believe me, I almost lost my mind in the meantime.
Kaya is an inspiration of a positive outlook. I’m still finding my way since the house sold and I returned to my home state and haven’t found a job yet. I hang on to the little things – playing with my pets, enjoying a sunny day. I volunteer at a museum and make it my business to be the happiest, most smiley person there. I want/need more, but in the meantime, it’s better than the misery I used to live in.
Hang in there.
I have been there. I have been right where you are. After every discard, I said that I would never go back to him. But I did. I said that I should hate him. But I didn’t. I felt just as empty. Hell, I still feel empty. I was in contact with this man every day (when it wasn’t discard time). We would email throughout the day, we would talk on our way to work, we would talk and/or see each other at night for hours. I get it!! It sucks.
Stay with us here. I need everyone of you. This is my lifeline. I cannot talk about this with anyone either. I have driven my best friend crazy about this.
A therapist once told me after my ex husband moved out to be free for his minions. He would often say “maybe I come back, maybe not, maybe I am filing for divorce, maybe not.” I was his wife and he downgraded me to an “option” for him. And by staying in cobtact with him, I allowed him to treat me as his “option”. No, either you are married or not. I should have filed those divorce papers the minute he left his family. There should have never been a “maybe”. We do not give out hudbands /boyfriends “options” to chose us over other women. I waited 3 months to file the petition. Would I do the same again ? No, he would have been served the very next day after the night he left.
But back thrn I did not have the strength I have now. I am grateful for this nightmare. I am more resilient than ever. I read “resilience ” by Elizabeth Edwards. The stuff her ex husband put her through is unbelievable and very sad. She gave him so many chances and still he always ran into the arms of the mistress. No chances, they cheat and leave. That should be the end. When I took my marriage vow, it did not include me being an “option” for him someday. I sure would have not married him knowing that little supplement to our vows.
Kaya,
When I took my marriage vows, I considered it to be a covenant marriage before God. But, in hindsight, I realize that the marriage was merely a thing of convenience for him, always just an option. No commitment, just empty words. He always had a foot out the door, with “eyes full of adultery.”
There was never any real chance to have a marriage or build a life together (though I put all my efforts and energy and resources into it). It was all my building castles in the air (well, based on his fraud). When I stopped holding it together, he was so gone — and, it all evaporated.
How, I wish it were just a terrible nightmare, instead of being reality.
In the middle
Is there any way you cannot “chat” with him ? As long as you interact with him this way you are showing him that it was ok what he does or did. Do you work in the same department? Is there any way human resources can help you ? I know you cannot just leave your job but there should be ways to protect you from further abuse. I know where I work I could put a stop to it in no time.
In the middle
Don’t ask him if he is getting divorced or not. You are giving him soooooo much power without realizing it. He is playing all of you in his sick games just like little puppets. If I was you I would not participate in his games. Give him the “cold shoulder” . Guys like him feed in those “ego kibbles” that you are throwing his way. Let him starve or let Amanda or his wife feed him. That is what I would do.
Exactly right. Any interaction with him he will interpret in the most ego-boosting way possible. Ask about his divorce and he will assume you are waiting eagerly for him to be free and come to you. Roll your eyes at his hello and he will revel in how much his presence annoys you. Smile in the hallway and he will fantasize about how turned on you are just by seeing him in passing. “Grey rock” is the only way to deal with having to work with him. Act like he is the most boring thing on the planet and you only acknowledge his existence from politeness in the workplace. You will have to keep it up for a long time, and working in a cubicle with his buddy means no breakdowns after he walks away – because the buddy will report to him, knowingly or unknowingly, how he affects you. If you can find a new job, that is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.
This has been so hard because so much of me has been wrapped up in him it sucks. I appreciate everyones comments as it is helping me. I am just coming to the acceptance part of this realizing that this is the truth abt how he views me and no matter what my heart is telling me my head needs to say just lies. ouch, what a mess and im tired. i hope that this goes away. I need sleep.
Feeling so sad reading everyone’s posts. The same heartache in so many stories. What idiots these people are!!
I wish I knew how t do it without feeling pain but we need to walk away.
I went to the pub tonight to see my friend and the landlord greeted me with a kiss ( remember , I live in a small town) and said “,I was thinking about you last night because ****** was in for a drink”
You see, we were so often out in public and my whole community knew we were friends. I made light of it, and asked ” was he behaving himself” ( like I cared) but, short of starting my own ” smear campaign” I just have to brave it out.
Thankfully my friend has no time for him either so she supported me. But really I could just have sobbed my heart out!!
I called a domestic abuse line today’ so fed up of not sleeping. She suggested I went to see my doctor and got referred for counselling. But the lady I spoke to knew all about sociopaths and said he was a very controlling man who, as soon as he began to think I was getting on with my life’ would be back. She said if I contact him then he is not in control.
It was helpful to be heard and understood.
I am not going to let him beat me
I am going to get emotionally well again for the sake of my husband and myself.
This idiot has torn my life apart. I feel sorry for his wife. I wonder how long it will be before he turns on here again?
Elsa, I am glad that you are going to counseling. I go for my 3rd session tomorrow. I am going to tell my therapist all about what has been going on. It helps to have someone who knows nothing about the situation and be able to get it all out there. It has helped me tremendously to be on here as well. Everyday I wake up, I realize that I can do this. As painful as it has been, I know that I am worth more.
You have a husband. Yes, you need to become emotionally well again for the both of you. As I need to become well again for me and the possibility of meeting someone (who isn’t a spath) again.
You said that you feel sorry for his wife. I feel sorry for my exspath’s wife as well. I know that he will always torment her. I hope that she is strong and doesn’t take him back. That feeling that she may has hurt me. I guess because I thought we had something special but now I know that is all a lie. If she does, he will hurt her again.
I hope that your day is good. Hugs from across the pond!
I also want to be emotionally wel enough to tell him to take a hike if he ever does try to come back into my life.
Hearings he Lady on the phone this morning, I can see how he has played me in this way. He wants a friensdhip in his terms!! Well, mate…….. Tough luck!!! I need to be strong enough to say that in words and in actions!!
Elsa
Telling him “to get lost or whatever ” will do no good. That’s what he wants from you. Anything I said to my ex husband was feeding him his “ego kibbles”. He thrived on that. You should ignore him 100 percent. Don’t even look at him, dobg make eye contact. Like I said when I had to face my ex in court I wore my sunglasses. I would never allow him to look into my eyes again.
Elsa, the only solution is go no contact, ignore him on every level. When I was first discarded and left in financial ruin (my ex changed all bank accounts and opened new ones in his name only) I did not understand the power of no contact. I totally “got” it after a few more evil tactics my ex threw in my way. Please listen to most of us here. We are here today and we are at peace because we cut off all communication.
Not
I am glad I can be an inspiration to you. It was a long journey to get where I am. And like Hanalei I lost my “treasured” house and many material things. But we can replace all that. Maybe not right away but eventually. Yesterday I received another letter in the mail from my ex. And again I was strong enough to file it away on a folder called “evil ” without reading it. 2 years ago I woukd have been shaking, heart racibg and probably crying over it. It’s s big improvement and it assures me that he cannot manipulate and play me anymore. Life is peaceful and good now even without living in my “mansion “. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and thf love of my son and my pets replaces all “material” stuff. I would rather be poor than having my old life back.