UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Yeah, don’t worry. I was meaning in actions more than in words!! I don’t intend to speak to him!!! And I don’t intend to give him the opportunity to get inside my head again.
As the saying goes……. Actions speak louder than words!!
I am feeling better, stronger (today, at least)
I don’t need that jerk in my friendship circle. His wife is welcome to him, although I do feel sorry for her. He used to tell me that she “knew I’m”…….. If she is still there after 30 years and she really knows her then she deserves him!!! He is a a loser, and she has wasted her life on him!!
I need to hear some advice. I have moved away from my spath and have started NC. But my mind keeps racing back to the POSSIBILITY that she may have been telling me the truth at the end. Her EX told me she use to share my personal information and she would laugh at me, but I could not bring myself to believe it. I know that I should not break NC, but a strong part of me wants to email her just to tell her that I still love her and pray for her. I need someone to talk me out of this!
neveragain51, don’t send the email! You have taken positive steps in your life by moving away and going no contact. We have all been where you are, thinking of the POSSIBILITY that our ex’s may have been telling the truth or that we interpreted something wrong. We deny what we know to be true because they have manipulated and programmed us to think that way. You left for a reason”trust yourself. It’s VERY unlikely that you’ve made a mistake.
Keep reading the comments here (Elsa recently broke no contact and it made her MORE miserable), as well as the general information on this site about psychopaths. Also check out Psychopath Free and the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction websites, they are great sources of information. I don’t know if you are male or female, but the book Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown is excellent, if you are male, don’t think it is only for women, and Sandra addresses that in the book. You will find yourself and your experiences in this book and it will help you a lot. (No, I don’t get a commission haha but the book did save my sanity and I still keep it handy.)
Everyone will tell you that when you break no contact it never makes it better, no matter what the response is, or if you get no response. The best advice I can give you is to do something else – go for a walk, to the gym, etc. to get your mind focused elsewhere.
Neveragain
I hate the what if I’m wrongs or maybe he’s telling the truth this time… they play with my emotions and cause untold confusion until I remind myself of what he’d done. Either way it keeps me hooked on him – I’m either doubting myself or angry at him so he wins by keeping my focus.
Most of what I know about my spaths other life was based on instincts, it sucks that a lot of the information I have was never confirmed by another victim or elaborated from the evidence I’d found. This can keep me second guessing.
The thing is that my instincts were always backed up by some piece of a huge puzzle and in the end he crossed a very serious line. My lesson with him was to trust my instincts even without proof!
You are not alone but you need to remind yourself of why it ended so you’ll never regret going back to be finished off!
In the middle
You did not mean anything to him, along with Amanda and his wife and probably others. Remember we are extension of them or property and eventually become obstacles. When you were “exciting ” for him at first Niw you are annoying him, you are just in the way. That’s why they discard and replace. I learned that sociopaths/narcissists never form any emotional attachments to anyone including their children. Once you cross that line into being an obstacle they only see the “bad” in you. They “bad, evil demon” they created to make the discard easier. After 20 plus years marriage I was demonized before the discard. It was a slow process over a few years where he gaslighted me and tried to make me think I am crazy. All the while he was carrying on his affair at work. Until hd got sloppy and I found out too much. That’s when the discard was inevitable. But emotionally he already prepared himself for years. To him I was a bad, ugly wife and I had to be left for that. That’s his they work. On to the next victim. Until she gets demonized he might treat her ok. It’s just a never ending cycle. I don’t want ever want to join that “group” again. He can use his minions for that. There should be plenty at the sheriffs department. 🙂
And yes anything can start the “devalue and discard” process. In my case it was that I gaibed a few pounds. I did not weigh 120 pounds anymore, instead I was 150. What was not a problem as I was in my mid 40’s. My hair was too short and on and on. It had absolutely nothing to do with my appearance. It was that I did not “meet his standards” anylonger. There was a younger girl , in very good shape, in her 20’s with super long hair on his nightshift. She threw him some “ego kibbles” called him Cpt america , called him hot and sexy and that’s all it took he was “so hungry and starving ” for those kibbles. How could he resist ? But in the process he had to totally devalue me. So every day I was demonized a little more until the very end when he had no other choice than to leave the family. How could he. Cpt America , stay with such an insane , ugly wife ?
This is how they think. I was devalued down to a bag of garbage. To the curb for the weekly pick up. And this how much they care about us. Comparable to a bag of weekly garbage.
Only that I now know that the entire problem wAs and is him only.
Kaya, it breaks my heart that he was mean to you about your weight and hair. The truth is, there was nothing wrong with you. They pick on anything to make their exit they could play pin the tail on the donkey to choose what they attack. It has no basis in reality and I’m so glad you know that!!
My ex had no patience for normal signs of aging (pre-menopause was a favorite scapegoat for invented problems and wanting me to get medication) while he expected me to ignore all of his issues. One time we were doing some flexibility exercises and he couldn’t do any of them. He flew into a rage and told me the only reason I could do them was because I am so short he was actually much more flexible than me. Eeek!
Your ex has a rude awakening coming with age since he thinks so highly of himself. He may be feeling it already. The girlies may not always think he is such a stud and start thinking of him as a creepy old man. That makes me smile!
In the middle
Once you crossed that line into the “devalue and discard” process there is absolutely nothing you can do to change his mind or stop it. No begging, crying , changing ypur appearance, pleading , promising can undo their opinion about you. You are to be erased at all costs. There is no mercy, there is no sorry or remorse. All this time I begged him to come back to his family was a waste. A waste of my energy and time. I could have volunteered in a pet shelter instead. Only when I cut off all communication did I realize that. And I promised myself then that I would never talk to him again as long as I live. That was almost 2 years ago and I kept this promise.
But why tell me he misses me and still wants to be with me and offer to be a reference on my paperwork? If he has the wife as he is with her still and amanda why say that to me. I asked him if I should return some items i purchased for us he said no. Im confused. Which way is it? I dont get this whole thing. Is he really a NP or is it me not taking it that i am being dumped. Very confused.
inthemiddleofheartache, his intent is for you to be confused, that keeps you on the string. It sounds like he’s trying to keep all the balls (women) in the air so that they are available in case he wants to use one. That way all of you have your lives on hold for him while he is actually living his. Having his cake and eating it too.
You don’t get it because it makes no sense. It doesn’t matter what he is or what he is doing, he’s treating you poorly and has hurt you and made you miserable.
If you make yourself available to him in any way, he will use you if and when he feels like it and you’ll just continue to be hurt and confused.
Inthemiddle…I completely agree with HM. It doesn’t matter what he is. He is treating you horribly and you do not deserve that.
HM, your words are exactly what I needed to read (again!). Keeping us confused is their best technique. When one doesn’t work out they know that they can go to the other and get what they need. I have realized that is what my exspath was doing with me and his now ex-wife. When he thought that she wouldn’t take him back, he knew that by keeping me just right there, he could have me. He knew that keeping that proverbial carrot hanging out there that I would keep my life on hold. OMG! The wasted time. NO MORE!!!
Tonight will be one week since I blew up at him and contacted his ex-wife and he sent the I Hate You email. It has been a trying week but I have lived through it. I have been coming here every day and reading and posting and it HELPS!!
I will say this….I have a feeling he will eventually contact me. Even though he never told me that he hated me in the past, I will have that sickening feeling. BUT now, I WILL NOT answer. I cannot live with the chaos again.
inthemiddleofheartache
Which way is it? To get to the heart of this, answer your own question.
It is simple.
He lies.
He lies to his wife about you and Amanda.
He lies to you about Amanda and his wife.
He lies to Amanda about you and about his wife.
He lies about the BIG stuff in his life, he lies about the little stuff in his life.
In a life that is ALL lies, and all this evidence that he is scamming EVERYONE, do I understand correctly, you think what he says to you must be true?
Because now he shows me what he is doing and saying he isnt texting anyone. then he says he doesnt want anything from anyone but still likes it when I rub his back or gives me a hug. I guess this is me trying to figure out what the hell happened to me and what is the truth and not. I know he lied but when i confronted him about amanda he admitted it bcs i had him. I feel like she was better than me and i want to fix this. fix this somehow so the pain is not so bad. This is the worst pain that i have ever felt, ever. I wish that i did not even get involved with him in the first place bcs it has been all lies. Im sorry i am going on with this bcs i am confused bcs when he speaks to me which i cant always avoid i work with him. its like he knows no one knows about us and is playing with that too. this feels terrible. I try to shut it out think of other things but I feel not good about myself like i did when he was with me and wanted me.
inthemiddleofheartache, I think where this is headed is that you are going to need to change jobs if you are to get any peace in your life.
I’m completely disgusted at the way this jerk is manipulating you. Don’t ever kid yourself that he is showing you what he’s dong or that you can trust what he says. He knows exactly what to say to keep you hanging on, meanwhile he’s saying similar stuff to the other two.
This situation is impacting your ability to earn a living. Start looking for another job.
in the middle of heartache
So he lied in the past, he lies to everyone else. But by gosh, he’s not lying to you.
There’s a reason it’s called LoveFRAUD. The MFr tells you what you want to hear. But a lie is still a lie.
Here’s a truth you can bank on: He is lying to you.
The confusion comes from the truth (he is all lies) and what you want (he is not a liar). The problem is… what you want is not possible. NOTHING you do will change him from being a liar. A fraud. A scammer. Someone who will smear you and get you fired.
You have a window of opportunity to take charge or you can let hell happen to you. Hell is coming. It is inevitable. All your wishing won’t change HIM.
He is a LIAR from Hello to the end.
NWHSOM, GREAT analysis.
I am looking for another job. As soon as I get my degree in my field which will be in June I can find another job. I thought this was my fault and when i started all of this he was separated from his wife. I only saw him 2 times after he went back in July of 13 bcs he was with amanda after that. this was why he got rid of me. it was easier having the wife and the girl in his house at the same time. i really cant fathom that a human being could do something so vile to another person and continue to speak with them and act like nothing happened. I feel like I have been mind f-ed. I hurt so much bcs i shared with him things i never shared before. All i can remember is his comments that he is not a talkative person and what he says is important. I dont know what to make of all of it. I dont plan on doing anything now bcs he is not getting divorced and he is still prob with amanda and i dont want that. but it still hurts that i was rejected.
The other thing what did i do wrong he didnt want me anymore? Just because i wanted to spend time with him? He said that it wasnt fun anymore and it was more work than he was looking for. I am so stupid and now i feel dirty and used bcs the more I look at this I was used. i thought i had a connection with him and all the time he was doing things behind my back. I was so good to him too. I wish i didnt feel this way.
You did nothing wrong. Mine said almost the exact same thing. He said…This has become hard. It wasn’t supposed to be hard.
You are not stupid! You are not dirty! We were all duped by a crazy person!! We opened our lives and hearts to an individual wo a heart!!
inthemiddleofheartache, like Kaya has said, you didn’t do anything wrong! No matter how perfect you are, they will find something to use to discard you (and make you feel as bad as possible to boot).
I was beyond good to my ex – I always thought he would realize that and “come to his senses””nope. It doesn’t matter how you treat them”they will still throw you away when they are done with you.
inthemiddleofheartache
He’s not free to be with you. He never was. As a married man, he was a scam from his first hello to you. His scam has increased, not his honor.
Dear HanaleiMoon….thanks for your response as well as all others…..I will maintain the NC, but my heart is breaking. I know if I open up dialogue again, she will ask me for money. I know this as well as I know that my blood is red. It has happened too many times before! And each situation was an EMERGENCY, life or death. But the stories that I heard from others and her EX was that she was using cocaine and laughing at me. Why can’t I accept that my intuition about her is wrong and that others see her as she truly is? It is best for ME to maintain NC, but how do I ever get closure that she really was lying to me and that this really ISN’T a life or death emergency? The last I heard, she was being evicted for lack of $45. She told me that it was a shame to be homeless in the winter for a mere $45, but $45 on top of multiple requests totaling over $100,000 – all in an attempt to save her. If someone had given me $100 K, I am fairly sure that I would be in a better place than she is right now. What did she do with all that money if not buy drugs? But her sad stories always blame health issues, cruel people, her felon status (caused by stealing from me)…. I know that there will never be an end to “saving” her, but I feel like I am abandoning her… this is hurting me more than it is probably hurting her….
neveragain51, adults are responsible for themselves. We are empathetic, kind souls, and we want to help, and people take advantage of that. It is not your fault she is being evicted for $45, and you aren’t responsible to make sure she has a place to live.
Please don’t throw good money after bad! Who knows what she did with the money, but she sure didn’t do what it was intended to be used for! Psychopaths manipulate by getting our sympathy and preying on our good hearts. My guess is that there will always be another life and death emergency with her, as long as your willing to give, and you will never know if it is true or not.
The best thing to do is to cut all ties. No contact means also not hearing stories from others, which is a way of keeping contact. You will have to end communication with these other people too. Do not let yourself be further manipulated.
Not only $100K went into her pocket to “save” her, but most of my mother’s precious heirloom gold jewelry. Despite finding a $7,000 pawn slip in her name, she keeps swearing to me that she never pawned my mother’s jewelry and that she still has it. She has been promising to return it to me now for over 2 years, but something always stops her. Everyone tells me that she doesn’t have the jewelry, but I guess that I want it back so badly that I am easily sucked back into the drama. This is her carrot, and I have fallen for it every time…until recently. But I keep thinking….what if she really IS homeless for lack of $45…and what if she really DOES have my mother’s jewelry. These thoughts torment me.
I guess the truth that I never wanted to face is that she will never let me go as long as there is still a chance that she can get more money from me. She probably is using it for drugs. And I will probably never get closure….
Thank you, HM. The comments from her friends are almost a year old, I have moved away and have no contact with any of them. They remain only in my mind, where I relive them over and over…trying to see them from every angle so that I do not miss anything. I guess I am torturing myself at this point….your advice is wise and I thank you for it.
neveragain51, whew! Good job!
You have lost a lot, and I truly understand how that is. It takes time and courage to get past it and unfortunately, write it off. I had to do that, as well as do whatever it took to protect myself from more harm and loss.
Removing yourself from the situation was the best thing you could have done. Keep educating yourself, it really helps. If you can’t get a grip on your thoughts and keep ruminating, seeing a counselor is a good idea. I couldn’t have done it without mine. I did the same thing as you are doing, trying to make sure I didn’t miss anything and in the end, I had to admit that even if I did figure out something new, it wouldn’t change things.
Thanks HM….I am hoping to get a handle on things on my own and via books and this website rather than spending money on counseling and hearing the same things I am hearing in this forum.
I knew that I had to physically leave because there was too much temptation there to backslide… It’s time to stop believing that my mother’s jewelry is ANYWHERE but in the hands of new owners via a pawn shop and that her life is her life and stop thinking about her. Throw away stuffed toys she gave me, her hair from haircuts that I saved (so I could smell it…how sick is that?), her medical reports, old pawn tickets, court papers….things that still feel like a connection.
I read somewhere (not sure if on this forum or elsewhere) that psycho/sociopaths tend to have higher hormone levels. This would equate to stronger pheromones/personal scent than the average (non-disordered) person.
Scent is a powerful force in memory as well as bonding. Mothers can pick out their baby’s blanket from identical blankets on scent alone. Smelling her hair is not sick – it is an indicator of the powerful bond she has/had over you. It is also one of the reasons it is important to get rid of anything in your possession that belonged to her.
The scent will reel you in and remind you of the times you spent together, just like the smell of warm chocolate chip cookies can put you back in grandma’s kitchen as a child. There are certain perfumes that I can’t stand to smell now because it puts me back in the lovebombing glory days with the sociopath I was bonded to.
Burn her things, throw them away, give them to goodwill…just don’t keep them around. They are an anchor that will drag you down.
No More, I am dealing with this today. The great advice that Joyce gave me is working however when we were in contact with each other the same room, the copier I could sense him and I am still attracted to him. Does this ever go away. I look at him and find him cute and handsome and want to be with him. Then I realize what kind of creep he is and I need to stop thinking about it. I hope I can get transferred to another station bcs this stinks. I have never been this physically attracted to anyone ever in my life like this and I am in my mid 40’s, I didnt have conversation or anything it is the tension i felt being next to him. Oh yea, and he was on the computer in the room and looking at property to go hunting, i guess because amanda has a wall full of deer heads she got hunting. So thats what I have been replaced for. I know it is utter nonsence but this is where my head goes.
in the middle – stick a pin or a tack in your pocket and poke yourself every time you see hear or smell him. It is a subtle way to give yourself negative feedback to his presence. If you find yourself thinking about him, stick that tack in your finger until you quit. Don’t do yourself real harm, just give yourself some negative feedback. It is like the smoker’s trick of snapping themselves with a rubber band every time they want a smoke, but less noticeable to others.
Do you know what one of the hardest things to do is? To hear people who have no idea of this disorder and how deeply a person is affected say to you, “Grow up,” or “you are making too much of this,” or “why do you STILL keep thinking about this?” People don’t understand how a breakup with a psychopath is different than a breakup between two normal, healthy people! I feel like there is residual damage from those naysayers who chastise me for taking so long to heal from what appears to be just a breakup? They don’t understand how deep are the wounds, and their advice is well-meaning but just adds to the problem of healing when you are told that you are abnormal for taking so long to heal from a bad situation when they truly cannot understand the depth of emotions that were involved in the “bad situation.”
Help! I need help. She has contacted me again. I have not responded yet, but I want to respond. Is it possible that I was wrong about her being a sociopath? She said that God knows her heart and knows she is not that person anymore. She said goodbye. Could I be wrong about her? Or is this just another lie…one trying to get back to me? I just don’t know, but every message causes me to feel guilty and question myself.
neveragain
your ex has resurfaced?? how long has it been for the two of you that you have been NC?
if you have much proof that your ex has treated you in the way a sociopath treats someone, if your gut from the beginning has been trying to tell you something, if you have spent ALOT of your time wondering about her behaviour and what she meant when she said something, if you have spent a lot of time wondering what they are doing when you are together…if you have a lot of questions about this person and all her actions are similar to an S, then most probably she is one.
have you compared the list of traits to how she behaves?
i know its common for them to return, say they’ve made a mistake and they want to try again, this usually means that they have no attention from anyone at this time and they are coming back to get it from you…dont get sucked in! chances are she is telling you all of this and within a short period, she could get up and leave you again, leaving your life in a complete mess!!!
mine just resurfaced for the first time after he suddenly left me to marry a very young girl..everything was fine with us and he even told me about this girl, but he lied and said she was a horrible, person and would never want anything from her…
he got married in the late summer a few months back…i followed everyones advice and went NC and guess what? the day before xmas he contacted me swearing he made a horrible mistake and i was a everything he ever wanted..he was unhappy in his newly married situation and would i be willing to try again?
ha…i was stunned like you, not knowing what to do. i didn’t even have a chance to think things through until he wrote the very next morning to tell me he made a mistake, that his wife is a nice girl and he doesn’t want to hurt her…
i hope that gives you an idea of how cruel they are when it comes to taking our hearts and kicking them into the ground….i haven’t heard from him since either…what a MAN huh???
Neveragain
Welcome to my world!
On an intellectual level, I know that they can’t change but emotionally I can’t stop myself from wondering if I might be wrong?… This confusion is enough for me to keep away because I’d be in a constant state of confusion with every interaction – my adrenals can’t support that forever!
Yes, you are right….I know this in my heart. The confusion is my own private hell right now, and I am causing it…not her.
Neveragain51, your question is a common one”what if I was wrong about them being a sociopath.
What if you were? What if they are just a selfish thoughtless jerk, a user, and bad for you? What if they just took a lot of money from you and laughed at you behind your back? What if they aren’t really a sociopath but you felt so strongly that you had to get away from them that you moved across the country? Does the technicality of the label we put on them matter? It shouldn’t. We don’t deserve to be with people who are even “normal”, garden variety jerks, who treat us badly and make us miserable.
I think we all go through this thinking at some point, and it’s futile. Bad is bad, period. In my experience, what she is doing is working to manipulate you because of her own selfish agenda, and her agenda could be anything, but one thing for sure, it’s not your best interest.
You can drive yourself crazy with your mind, but your gut took you to a place of safety. That is why no contact is VITAL, because every contact, no matter how small opens the door to our mind spinning out of control again. Change your emails, phone numbers, and let anyone in common know you don’t want to hear anything related to her.
How are you doing on finding a counselor? They will help you a LOT.
I hadn’t thought about it that way….you are right, the “label” doesn’t matter. What I have felt over the years are the warning signals that my gut is telling me, and needing to move away should be the biggest red flag ever. Wanting to reopen contact with me because she has changed will only benefit her – there is no benefit to me to continue in that lifestyle. Her words melted my heart, but then they always have. Yes, I have an appointment scheduled with a counselor. Thanks again.
Hanalei
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I now know it had nothing to do with me. But back then I didnt. And yes, pretty soon if not already , they will call him creepy old man. I don’t think Cpt smerica is in his late 40’s. Ha.