UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
Neveragain51
Oh yes very true about not being understood..I think it’s happened to lost of us and it’s very annoying. I know as a friend, I would never turn anyone away, or ridicule a problem they come to me with, because that’s how I am so I can’t understand where good friends can do this
What we are going through is very serious and destructible. I’d rather speak to a group of people who know what they are talking about rather than get annoyed by someone I thought I could trust as a friend
I prefer it here 🙂
IntheMiddle-
It’s unfortunate that you work with this creep. Because whenever you see him or hear him, the brain chemistry that attaches you and bonds you with him gets stirred up again.
If you were a recovering alcoholic, you would need to learn how to abstain from alcohol even though others around you might drink. And that’s similar to your break from a lover. Mother Nature provided us with a chemical reaction to people we engage in sex with. And it’s that chemistry that keeps you constantly thinking back over the relationship and longing for it. And it’s stirred up by his continued presence in your life. Since you can’t get away from him entirely, it’s best to simply refuse to speak to him about anything related to your past together or your relationship.
If he brings it up again, tell him that you have no interest…. period. Don’t get angry, don’t get upset, just walk away and tell him, “I said drop it. Don’t harass me.”
There are a few things you need to plant firmly in your brain…
1. The opposite of love is apathy. It’s not anger. And you will need to develop apathy toward this man.
2. He is likely to be a sex addict. It is not normal to be having sexual relations with 3 separate women all at once.
3. The emotions of an emotional predator are very shallow. They do not feel anything deeply. He’s moved on, but he will keep you on a string until you can finally cut it with apathy. Everything else you give him is a “feeling” and that is what he’s after from you. He doesn’t care whether you feel anger, or hurt, or whatever. Your “feelings” are a prize for him. It gives him a sense of control.
4. This man is not worth the caring you invested in him, and you need to start thinking of how lucky you are to know that, and have the ability to move on.
5. You are very fortunate to have a good job and a daughter you love. Even though she is not present in your everyday life, she’s present in your heart. You are part of a family, you are not alone. Cont your blessings. They will help you value yourself better than to be toyed with by a total jerk!
All the best-
Joyce
Thank you so much for your reply. Just coming out of the grieving part of this process i can see what your saying now. I think your right abt him having a sex addiction and any attention is him getting what he wants. I am going to print what you wrote and keep it with me and read it when i start thinking of him and when i start feeling like i want to speak with him or if i hear him outside of my office. I want so much to move past this and be better and will do everything i can to make that happen. I appreciate everybodys replies and speaking to me. I feel less lost. I again thank you for taking the time to send this to me. He will be in work tomm and i am taking off friday to pack so i have just one day to deal with it and have the weekend.
Inthemiddle-
What you’ve gone through is heartbreaking and a betrayal. You’re grieving a loss and part of that is remembering.
When someone dies, we do the same thing, but they don’t keep popping up in our space forcing us to relive the grieving process over and over again.
You may be best to speak to a therapist who has dealt with sociopathic personalities to help you better understand what you’re experiencing, emotionally separate, and recover.
I wish you all the best!
Joyce
Thank you so much for your reply. Just coming out of the grieving part of this process i can see what your saying now. I think your right abt him having a sex addiction and any attention is him getting what he wants. I am going to print what you wrote and keep it with me and read it when i start thinking of him and when i start feeling like i want to speak with him or if i hear him outside of my office. I want so much to move past this and be better and will do everything i can to make that happen. I appreciate everybodys replies and speaking to me. I feel less lost. I again thank you for taking the time to send this to me. He will be in work tomm and i am taking off friday to pack so i have just one day to deal with it and have the weekend.
Jm
Thank you so much for this post. Once again I realize how luck I am for the discard. My therapist also mentioned sex addict. (She met my ex husband from some marriage counseling and noticed he was lying in every session). I always knew his mind raced around sex 24/7. I was always punished with silent treatment for being “too tired” for sex after my nightshifts. I always caught him watching porn, on the computer , on his phone , always. But of course I was to be blamed.
Apathy is exactly what I feel now. No hate , no anger. Just don’t care one bit about my ex anymore. Thanks again. Like I said I never realized how evil he was or still is until I removed myself from his “claws”, my marriage to him.
So glad you’ve made it through to the recovery side of your ordeal!!
Did you notice my guest post today about the change.org petition so we can actually outlaw this crime?
These creeps won’t be deterred by anything short of the possibility of a jail sentence when they lie to get over! We can make that happen with everyone’s support!
All the best!
Joyce
Failed again!! Not on NC but once again saw him in the shop!! He grunted hello and I replied then I left the shop, then followed me out and said sarcastically ” I said hello, I am being friendly”
I said ” yes but you’re not friendly ”
He then began to say ” I don’t want to keep going over and over it again and again” ( the truth is he has not even tried to explain anything and he knows it)
He stormed off!!!!
I know, before you tell me , that I handled it badly but I can’t handle seeing him
Like this, unexpected, suddenly!
Why can’t he just say sorry? ( I know…… He isn’t. And he wants to punish me????)
I want to hurt him so much!!! And that isn’t like me!!! I was a good friend to him! And here I am broken and destroyed and he walks around like nothing is wrong!
You are bound to run into him in a small town. Just give a simple “yes” or “no” to his statement without any additional explanation or a smile and nod (not sure what your social customs are)and calmly walk away. DON’T engage with him. That is incredibly difficult to do, but as long as you are in a public place and remain calm and polite (as you would with a wandering lunatic)and quietly try to walk away, he will either have to leave you alone or make a fool of himself attempting to engage with you. No matter how outrageous his statements or accusations are, don’t respond to the substance. Just continue to politely and calmly excuse yourself and walk away.
Thanks to everyone for the support. I have come to realize that what I have been told is true…intellectual healing is not emotional healing…and I realize that I need help with the emotional healing. It has affected every area of my life, and I am in a place where I am crippled emotionally. I do need to speak to someone about this, where I did not think that I needed this help yesterday. Are there any specialists in this field who see patients in central Florida? Until I find that person, I will continue to read and FEEL the anger in a safe place. There are no friends or family who are “safe” for me to talk to about this who will understand the depth of the emotions that I am feeling, so I will continue to rely on those good folks on this site that truly understand. I have maintained NC for 2 weeks, but I continue to hold papers, email addresses, even hair from a haircut in order to maintain a connection in my heart. I am not ready to get rid of these things, but I WANT to be ready. I want to feel better and move on.
neveragain51, I’m glad you’re going to look for a counselor. When I found mine, I felt MUCH better after the first visit, and it only got better from there. You will be amazed.
Check with local women’s shelters, clinics, etc. Do a google search, a lot of counselors have info on their specialties. Ask around. If you have a regular doctor, maybe they can give a referral. I hit the jackpot with mine from a random recommendation, but you may need to see one or two before you find the right one. Good luck!
Elsa
Don’t worry about breaking the nc. We all have done it and I think sometimes it’s a wake up call for us to see and feel the consequences of it. I broke the no contact probably 5 times . He took the fact that he tried to get a restraining order through the court for me to finally say “that’s it, no more.” 1500$ to my lawyer, 2 weeks of sleepless nights, 2 hrs in court sitting with “abusers” (my ex was the victim) . For what ? For him to feel superior and powerful. (That was until my lawyer destroyed him in open court). .
So now you know that nothing good comes out of responding to them. Even a simple hi/hello supplies him with the “ego kibbles”. He probably went home and thought “sure, I got her again, I got reaction out of her, how great I am.”
You will get to the point where you can be strong and emotional “healthy ” enough to just walk away. One day it will come to you. Like me , when I was walking out of the courtroom with my lawyer I had this “light” go on in my mind and I knew I just had enough. No more, I filed fif divorce the very next day. Before I was uncertain but his action cleared it all up for me. He never deserved his family. And now he does not have a family anymore. That’s the end result of all his evil games.
I am just going to stay out of town!! Here I am. I have lived here for over 30 years and he has me feeling I can’t step foot in my own place! I live 2 miles from town and 15 from the next town!!!
I have ordered a couple of books to read, booked myself an appointment at the doctors to ask for counselling. What more can I do?????
I feel like doing so much!!!!! But none of it positive!!!
Elsa, you haven’t failed again, you are in a tough situation in your small town! I wouldn’t say you handled it badly, he seems volatile and antagonistic, and he’s definitely egging you on because he wants a rise out of you. I’m not sure ignoring him will make it better.
I wonder if some version of Joyce’s advice to inthemiddleofheartache would work here, since it’s inevitable that you run into him. She suggested saying “I said drop it. Don’t harass me.” Maybe if you simply respond to his hello with a hello (because it seems like if you ignore him completely he will go off) and if he makes a comment just calmly say “you are harassing me please stop” and keep moving”use your body language and expression to show that you will not respond again. Maybe Joyce will chime in here.
If it was me, I’d keep a log of these encounters in case you ever need it. Not trying to scare you but he seems pretty nutty.
Elsa
I’ve been following your story and I’m sorry I haven’t really commented before but my head is swirling from my own set of dramas so I’m a little self-absorbed at the moment…
You ran into him in a shop, his response was exactly the same response I’d expect to get from my ex spath! But now here’s the deal, my ex is an evil monster that crossed a very dangerous line and now could end up in jail because of it.
The man you are describing was my man originally, bar the fact that I married him, so be very aware that they can become something even more evil than you could conceive…
My instincts played a huge part in exposing my situation and they are still very much warning me and guiding me – it might not be much but check in with your own inner guidance as it will be trying to get your attention – you said you didn’t know what else you could be doing, well I’m sure your little voice will argue that! (Please don’t think that I’m that strong that I’ve completely followed my instincts, but you reminded me that I have options that I’m ignoring…thanks! )
Hi Undertheradar, I ignored my gut reaction to my ex h the very minute I met him literally…I kept making excuses to his behavior vs just listening to my gut like I had always done before meeting him. The sociopath can very easily turn your head from your gut reaction with all their lying words & other mind games.
I would highly recommend the book Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker to guide you back to listening to your gut. I believe this is a must read book for every woman on this planet. Google “Oprah gavin debecker you tube” to watch their interview on the subject it’s very powerful. We are born with a build in radar detecter to avoid dangerous situations & dangerous people but political politeness & the eagerness to want to have a partner has caused use to forget our core defense mechanism.
Jan7
I think we all do! It saddens me that I ignored my inner guidance and stayed as long as I did, on a hope and a prayer… I’ve always been strongly connected to my intuition and things haven’t changed but listening to them, or acting on my guidance, is a whole other thing! Lol if I was acting on them now I’d be doing something else and not sitting here posting! 😉
Undertheradar, I have been reflecting on this very subject this week..I too was strong in my intuition but somehow with him & all the people he had around him I thought I must be reading my gut incorrectly…I too was on a “hope & a prayer”..I would pull into our home drive way after my weekly business trip and did not want to go into the house not just once but every time. Sad that I wasted so much time of my life on trying to make the marriage work. Knowing now what I do he will never be able to make any relationship work ever & he will always have a long trail of victims.
btw me too!! 😉
Jan7
Oh I know! Shudder! As I’d drive in the driveway I’d be thinking “what am I walking into this time?” I look back and my intelligent self asks why I didn’t see the whole picture then…
I’m off to work – 7am Sydney time!
I don’t trust one thing about him now. If he tried to be friends I wouldn’t trust him and I don’t trust him in anyway at all now
Another thing that has been happens is that I have been having no caller ID called on my mobile over the last few days. I never thought much about it but tonight when I got one I suddenly wonders did IT was him, though I don’t understand what he would hope that would achieve.
Whatever…… He is screwing with my head!!! I wouldn’t have thought the phonecall thing would be his style but who knows?????
https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?283-Overcoming-Brainwashing-and-the-Sociopath-s-World-of-Lies
This is so true. Hope I can get there one day!!!
Elsa
Wow this is a good article. I thought they were referring to what I go through
As far as your Caller ID being anonymous..I would assume it’s him just by everything else that’s happened and the timing.
Perhaps he has nothing better to do with his time and do this to hear your voice? Maybe purposely run into you at the store? Just be careful and don’t answer the calls when you get them.
You did ok when you ran into him. It wasn’t your fault. He sounds aggressive and demanding and NO GOOD. He also sounds like he needs to be in control, by his comments. You don’t want to interact with him. It’s a good thing you are seeing this side of him before things got further advanced and anything physical took place. I don’t want to think how he’d be in that case.
I’m not sure if you’ve said if he works or not? I think you said he doesn’t
No, he doesn’t work. Early retired. In fact, he always said he was “busy” but I have no idea what he did with his time apart from smoke his joints. He did a bit of gardening at times but was always complaining that his wife found him boring jobs!
You know……. He sounds like a real jerk!!
I lay in bed this morning and read “when love is a lie” on my kindle. So much made so much sense to me, especially the silent treatment and the “downsizing expectations” – he has been doing that since the very early days.
NC starts again!!!! I am going to be in control, even if THINKS he is!!! This is my game now and I am going to wrap up his persecution. None of it was real, not even any of the nice stuff. So, please God, let me get over this crap!!
It feels like I am doing NC and he is doing the silent treatment, which is designed to make me anxious etc. So, he is in control, not me. And then when I see him, he is goading me out o NC.
If I balnk him then he will use this against me by saying I ma being “silly”, crazy, pathetic, proving how I am all the things he has turned away from!
I understand how he is projecting it all on to me and I know that it is HIS doing but the only solution I can think of is to go to ground and disappear, which makes that even more like he is in control.
Help!!!
Elsa, to me, it seems like you ARE in control. (Feeling like you are is not a prerequisite for being.)
Here are my thoughts:
You are doing what he wanted (staying away from him) and he doesn’t like it, so he’s goading you.
You’re not contacting him, or seeking him out.
You live in a small town, so crossing paths is inevitable. He’s using these times to poke at you, to try to make you anxious. Is it possible to see him as pathetic? He’s around 60, right? Not 12.
Keep doing your regular routine. Do not give up your independence or disappear.
Can you tell your husband he’s poking at you? Maybe your husband can go out with you to the shops, etc. for awhile. It will show solidarity and I doubt he’ll act like an ass with your husband there. If he does, your husband can handle it.
My first instinct is that disappearing will only postpone the inevitable. If he keeps acting this way, others will see it. It seems like using grey rock to advantage if you can neutrally and calmly say “please leave me alone” and keep walking. Make sure you are around others, so that if he escalates it, they will see it and he will look like a nut. If it becomes intolerable, you may need to go to the local police and tell them you are being harassed. That is why I suggested keeping a log. You should not have to feel like a prisoner in your own town.
Just thinking out loud here.
Elsa
I think Hanalei is giving such great advice. Maybe going with your husband into town is a good solution. Will he talk to you when you are with your husband ?
He really is acting worse than a high schooler. I think he will get his satisfaction no matter what you say to him. As long as you respond to him in any way, he got what he wants. How about just walking by him, not even looking at him and if he does say anything , don’t answer. Just keep walking.
Kaya, what scares me is that if Elsa ignores him and keeps on walking, this guy sounds like he has the potential to grab her and say HEY I was talking to you and escalate it. If it was me, I’d have a hard time dealing with the situation if it went there. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but from everything we know, he sounds unstable.
It seems a little different that he’s only doing this in public rather than texting her or emailing her, and there must be a motive behind it.
I think he is giving me e bare minimum, a “hello” while he knows there are all those unanswered texts I sent and he knows I want an explanation or some dialogue about what happened ( since I asked for that initially by pursuing answers)
I think he knows the best way to hurt me is to give me the silent treatment but when he sees me just give me the absolute minimum.
I need to try just absolutely blanking him if I see Him and not even making eye contact.
He has the upper hand whatever I do. I need to “win” by getting to a point where I just don’t care””” I am not there yet. I don’t care about him but I still feel wounded and raw.
Hanalei
I agree and I’ve seen and experienced this situation, similar but same M.O.
I’d peace keep because my spath was all about how he appeared to people in public. His image was, and is, more important to him than his right arm. My spath would use the exact same words as Elsa encountered with her spath – I shuddered when I read it!
If I’m reading this from my experience then I’d have to say that he is trying to “look” like the better person by tempting Elsa to lose it in front of other people she’ll look like the crazy and hostile one! He might go off when he’s not acknowledged but he’s not thinking that to begin with, so keep the peace and respond in kind but keep your distance!
That makes sense!! I can see how he may be trying to goad me to a point where I lose it, so he can pour more scorn on me! And seeing me humiliated !