UPDATED FOR 2020
A Lovefraud reader who posts as “LadyA” sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath.
I’ve spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn’t understand why I don’t feel any better about it. What was I missing?
When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could get in the car and left the province to go back to my hometown. I had to quit my job over email and send a goodbye text to all my friends.
I am thankful every day for what my mom did for me. I sure wasn’t happy about it at the time but I knew I needed out and this was my chance. What I didn’t know is how much moving back to my hometown would affect me emotionally. I had originally planned on only being back for six months. Just long enough for him to move on and get me out of mind, but it has now been just over three years and I still haven’t moved back. I got settled in a new job, new friends, and a new relationship. Even after all of this I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m not happy. Until three days ago.
Pride. I was proud of myself for the life that I had built. I moved 1200 km’s away from home right after high school to a big city. I was on the fast track to a strong career in a competitive field. I had a brand new car, paid all my bills on time, and was saving to buy a house. I was independent, reliable, strong, caring, and had a really great outlook on the world. Not many people can say that at 22.
All of that was ruined by a six-month “whirlwind romance.” I’m no longer proud of myself. I feel like I have failed because I came back home with my “tail between my legs” to my mommy. I no longer have a new car because it was repossessed as soon as I got back here. I am jaded, I don’t trust people easily, and I am no longer as strong as the face I put on the outside. I’ve gained weight because deep down I just don’t care anymore. My career is now on a plateau due to the location where I live. I don’t have one reason to be proud of myself right now.
How do I get my pride back when I know what happened? I want to feel proud of myself for my life but I just have zero idea where to start. I’ve thought about moving away again, but I don’t really know if that’s the answer. How can I be proud of what has happened in my life? I’m really honestly just so ashamed.
Donna Andersen responds
Dear LadyA,
I am so sorry about your encounter with a sociopath. Although this is not a normal breakup, the good news is that you can recover from the sociopath.
Right now, however, it does not seem that way. Why? I can see two reasons.
The first is that betrayal by a sociopath is a huge emotional injury. In the beginning of your email you said that, after all your reading, you now “fully understand what spaths do and how they do it,” but you don’t feel any better.
Understanding is a critical first step to you to recover from the sociopath. But understanding is an intellectual process, something that you do with your mind. The wound you experienced is also emotional. It needs to be dealt with emotionally.
How do you do that? You allow yourself to feel the pain of the injury.
This means letting yourself cry. Letting yourself scream and wail. Letting yourself experience anger — I’m sure there is anger — perhaps by working it out on a punching bag.
This isn’t pretty, and you probably want to do it privately, because other people often have difficulty being around this. Or, you may have a good therapist who can help you.
One way or another, any bottled up emotion you have within you needs to come out.
Underestimated the injury
Next you wrote that you identified the reason that you’re not happy as “pride.” But it seems like you are regarding pride as something bad, like one of the seven deadly sins.
You had every reason to be proud, because your pride was based on your achievement. And the sociopath took this away from you.
Here is what I think has happened: You have underestimated the scale of the injury, and the severity of the betrayal.
LadyA, you were building a life for yourself. You went out on your own; you started building a career; you were moving forward.
And some manipulative, deceitful parasite, who did something bad enough to end up in jail, ruined it for you.
Not only did he cost you money and hurt your career, he corrupted your outlook on life. You’re jaded; you don’t trust; you don’t care. You are not the young person you once were all because of the sociopath.
Recognize that this was not a normal breakup after all, you had to flee your home, job and friends.
Your life was shattered. Your psyche was deflated. This is a massive shock to your system. It’s no wonder that you are still struggling.
Drain the emotion
So what do you do? In my opinion, you do exactly what I suggested earlier — allow yourself to feel the pain now, knowing that the pain is bigger than you originally thought.
So you cry. You stomp. You imagine him standing in front of you and yell at him. (Do not, however, attempt to confront him in person. This would be counterproductive.)
The idea is to drain off the negative emotion.
As you drain the emotion, a void will be created within you. It’s very important to fill that void with joy.
This may sound preposterous to you, like you have no reason to be joyful. But don’t look at the totality of your life right how.
Do any small thing that makes you happy: Go for a walk. Play with your pets. Have lunch with a friend. Listen to music.
To recover from the sociopath, it may require many rounds of draining off the negative and replacing it with positive. But with time, you’ll find that your entire outlook will change, and you’ll be able to get back on track.
Importantly, with the wisdom you gained through this experience, you’ll never fall for a sociopath again.
Lovefraud originally published this article on May 12, 2014.
High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her
HM and Kaye. Thanks. I need to try something. Not sure about my husband going with me. I can maybe find someone to go though, my neighbour.
I don’t know what he wnat. If I contcted him he wouldn’t reply anyways. If I ignore him, he goads me. Just best to do all I can not to see him, although I haev been doing that! You know when someone speaks to you and you knw they are only speaking becSue they “have to”? That’s ho it is. The only thing is, he doesn’t have to. Saying hello in tenner he is isn’t meaningful at all. He is making a point…. I am speaking ( so you can’t say I am not) and he KNOWS that will upset me more.
Monday’s doctors appointment can’t coem quick enough but I know I will ahe to wait for counselling!!! I ahev so much work to do and I can’t function, can’t sleep , at least not to achieve any rest. I wake up feeling like I have been pulled through a hedge!!
Elsa
I was thinking. Does your husband know about this situation ? Is there any way you could confuse in him and get his support ?
I tried so hard to talk to him last night. It is hard. How is he supposed to feel when another man is consuming my thinking and hurting me like this?
On. A personal note…… Our physical life has really suffered over the last few months. He said the other night that every time he comes near me I push him away ( which is partly true)
I find it hard to explain but I think I am so fearful of letting go of my emotions in that physical act that I am scared. We have always maintained a physical relationship and it is hurting us both. I am trying. And I am trying to be sensitive to his feel bs in all of this and in some ways that means trying to deal with the consequences of my behaviour!!!! Whether I wA duped or groomed it whatever, I still bear some responsibility!!
Elsa, it seems to me that even though you called this other man a friend, and you didn’t have a physical relationship with him, he was much more to you than a friend, and your relationship with him caused you to neglect your marriage. If this had been a girlfriend who treated you this way, you would have been pissed, and been moving on by now. You’re not because this man meant way more to you.
I don’t know if you became close to this man because you were missing something in your marriage or if your marriage is suffering as a result of you becoming close with him, but the end result is that there is now a problem where it sounds like you don’t want there to be one. This is complex and a counselor would be such a help to you moving forward. Trying to figure out what happened/is happening with the other man isn’t helping to keep your marriage on track – that should be your priority. I get it that you feel guilty but try not to detour into your responsibility or blame, and get buried in that – try to focus on getting your life back on track with your husband. I’m not sure why you would be fearful of letting go with your husband, but a counselor would be able to help you with that. I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much.
On the phone calls, it is wise to assume that they are him, even if they’re not. Don’t take any calls where you don’t recognize the caller, or it is a blocked number. In my case, a few months after we were no contact, I got a series of hang up calls from numbers in various towns near where my ex lives. Not every day, but sometimes several times a day, over several weeks. I did a reverse lookup and over half of them were from attorneys. Others were random people I’d never heard of, but from a city we had both worked in. I got 5 or 6 hangups from one attorney’s number and I told my own attorney about it. She called and left a message, saying that her client had been getting calls from that number and what was it regarding. After that, there were no more calls like that from anyone. Not one.
I do know that he meant more to me than a friend, even though I was completely realistic about the fact that 1) it wasn’t going anywhere in terms of a realtionship and 2) I wouldn’t have wanted it to.
But….. He was an emotional support to me ( or at least he pretended to be!) and he made me feel good about myslef.
I know this is my husbands role! I suppose we got “tired” after 30 yrs of marriage and I haev always been the more proactive one in our relationship. I gave up trying and the spath took his place!
I am trying now, by trying to be open and not keep secrets from him!
I never thought about the calls being him till tonight ( not sure why, maybe I am getting more suspicious the more I learn) but I won’t answer any more! It seems weird. It has only just started happening e last couple of weeks!
Thank you for keeping interacting!
Tonight, I am going to take a sleeping pill and try and rest!! it’s 9.30pm here!
I am planning on seeing w counsellor and I am not going to give up until I am well again. I miss myself!!! 🙂
Alright ladies…need to see what your thoughts are.
I just received an email from him from his work email. It was to one of his co-workers about work related stuff. The coworkers name is no where close to mine so….
A mistake or ?????
Hard to make that kind of mistake…
My thoughts exactly. I did not respond. I don’t see how he could have gotten my email mixed up with the cowokers.
His stupid games. Trying to lure my back in. Not going to work!
Two steps-
1. delete
2. block
Joyce
I deleted. And put that email address to go to trash.
Freedom15
Perhaps your two names are next to each other on the list of contacts? Why would he want you to see anemail concerning work do you think?
Mine did the the same thing except without a doubt it was not to me..it was a very sexual email meant for another woman..he denied it of course and said it was for me
Jane, well the two names are completely different. Neither my first or last name is anywhere close to the co-workers first or last name. So I have no clue. I have given up trying to think why he does and has done the things he has. I have finally come to realize that we cannot figure them out. It has taken way too much of my time and energy.
I went to my therapist yesterday and it helps so much. I am thankful for that service and being able to come here.
I am going out of town this weekend to be with family and a much needed break!!
Freedom15, this is my analysis. If you are anything like me, if you get an email that was clearly meant for another person, especially a work related email, the first thing you do is let the person know so they can send it to the right person. I’m sure your ex knows that too, expected you to do that, and presto! he has you engaged in a conversation, or at the very least, interprets your merely decent gesture as a sign of interest.
After a mini-discard and weeks of silent treatment, my ex left a voice mail for me at work during a time he knew I wouldn’t be there. He used a sad voice, and it even sounded like he was crying, and he asked me to call him (he also identified himself, and gave me his numbers as if I wouldn’t recognize his voice or know his numbers). I agonized over it, and in the end, convinced myself that something might have happened to one of his parents or his kids and he “needed me”, because he sounded so upset and gave his name, and ended up calling him. All he wanted was to worm his way back into my life, and of course, he did.
Aren’t therapists wonderful!? Enjoy your weekend!!
HM, that is exactly what I thought. If I get an email on my work email that is not intended for me, I always email back and say so. I fully think that he thought that I would email him back to say that it wasn’t intended for me. I Did No Do That! I did not want him to think that I was going to fall back into his trap again!
And he sent me the email from his work email to my personal email, not work. Remember…he deleted his other email address because he hates me. HAHAHA!!!
Freedom15, oh that’s RIGHT about his other email! That makes our analysis even more solid!
Exactly!! And in over two years, he has never “mistakenly” sent me an email from his work email. He has only sent me an email from his work email a handful of times.
Freedom15, doesn’t it feel great to have this control and level of awareness? You’re going to have such a great weekend!!
Yes it does!! I feel like I can breath again.
I am going to have a great time. I cannot wait and I wish the same feeling for all of us.
I have said this several times but you all have truly saved me.
Freedom
Not that hard to make a mistake like that when someone is on your mind. I introduced a friend the other day as my ex husband, yes it could have been a trained response but I did it without a single thought – then laughed my head off!
Remember that when we bond with someone we not only bond on an emotional level we also bond on an energetic level, our cells start to communicate with their cells and visa versa. When our cells are taught to feel a certain way, it becomes normal or comfortable to them (cells) – all this is happening on a subconscious level so we just “drive” our bodies sometimes without even thinking about what we’re doing on a conscious level.
Important note; just because a spath doesn’t have the same brain chemistry that we do doesn’t mean their cells aren’t acting normally – on a cellular level they are just as bonded as we are and that is an attraction mode we need to break and certainly explains why I keep seeing my ex driving around everywhere…
Interesting thought. Not something that I have thought about. I guess that I just find it odd that out of the 2 plus years, it has never happened before.
Freedom
My ex spath crossed the line and got caught after 14 years. The person he reinvented himself as was not the person I was married to yet there was unexplained aspects of it that resonated with me as a feeling, an essence.
When I started reading about the latest research into our biology of our cells – the stuff being taught to Med students in Universities around the world, pennies started dropping (puzzle pieces started falling into place)
One particular experiment was to prove that 2 different peoples cells can communicate if given the same stimuli at the same time (together) this clearly shows that people can bond on an energetic level without being consciously aware of it. Add a trauma bond and you’ve taught your cells to have a connection – not even our cells likes a quitter!
Inthemiddle
It is hard no doubt and you work together so doubly hard. You’re moving forward, you saw him and stopped yourself from getting those feelings by thinking how toxic he is and you want to stop thinking of him..that is def progress!
Elsa posted a great post on cognitive dissonance that you may want to read. It is a remarkable article and describes what we go through perfectly while we are trying to implement nc
Freedom
Oh yes I feel I have spent the last few years doing nothing but trying to figure him out and I can honestly say it’s taken a toll on me mentally. Day and night trying to make sense of his every move and the meaning behind it…we don’t need this kind of life…to think what time I’ve wasted trying to forgive his actions and convince myself he meant nothing by them isn’t what I asked for in life!
Keeping busy does wonders have a good weekend 🙂
I think that we all can relate!
I am so very thankful for my family and friends and that I have the ability to go and do and not have to sit at home and wonder. I hate that I have wasted so many nights and weekends not doing anything but waiting on him and when he is ready to see me, etc.
Not Any More!
janedoe, it does take a toll on us! I spent so much time with my head in my hands trying to figure things out while he was out living his life and having a good old time. No more!!
Elsa
Mine didn’t really work the past few years as well. I think people who have no serious direction in life at his age of 60 is an indication and I should have known better. Mine was always claiming he submitted hundreds of resumes and job applications per week…nothing materialized ever. I think having all that free time allowed him access to fiddling around picking up women with all his fake identities.
Mine too is a real jerk, pretending he was some important person with huge goals in life. I would actually have thought if he actually turned out to be something finally then he’s proven to be decent. But nothing ever happened with his goals and he is a “wannabe” big time and I am seeing that now. He would always tell me I was interrupting him when I messaged him because he was trying to send out applications or doing something “very busy and had no time”. Ugh why didn’t I see this before!!??
They are just a waste of oxygen!! I don’t like this feeling in me of hating him. But loving him has far worse consequences!!
Freedom
Yep I hear you. Keeping busy with people who bring positive energy does wonders..I admit I’ve been in a slump and didn’t feeling like doing this or that back when I was so preoccupied with him. Now? I won’t pass a chance to be with family or friends, the real connections in my life. And LF..I look forward each day to read on here, it’s my latest preoccupation instead of the jerk!! I love being here with smart, funny, knowledgable people 🙂
I have spent months crying every night and weekend and even sometimes at work when I was by myself. Crying that I was discarded, crying because I wanted to I know why, crying because I wanted him to come back. You know what? While I was in so much pain , he lived it up. On cruises, dinners, trips etc. hd had to turn in financials to the court When my lawyer gave me a copy I was I shock. everything made sense. I could not answer my phone false he was sipping champagne in the Bahamas. He could not return my texts because he was sitting in a fancy restaurant by the beach. While I wasted 3 months of my life (actually 20 plus) he had the time of his life. No thought for me or his son. We were a nuisance to him. An obstacle that got in the way of his freedom with the minions.
I met a lady I know yesterday. She said “wow you look so good, what happened?” She did not know that he left over 2 years ago and I divorced him. That made my day. I know the pain he caused me in my marriage showed in my appearance. No more of that.
kaya48
yes. yes. and yes.
After I left and before my divorce was final, I tried to have professional photos taken to re-enter the work world. It was impossible. My eyes had that awful haunted look, like what dogs look like at the pound. I looked fearful and wary. That’s because I could not STOP that feeling, that terror that comes from being constantly attacked from out of the blue.
I had to renew my drivers license last month and I have to say… it’s the best photo of me in YEARS. I look relaxed. That manic fearful look is gone.
I also remember the days of sobbing… so much pain and anguish and it was unending. I thought I’d never stop crying. I thought people lied, that crying was supposed to get it out, when for me, it did not diminish anything. I’d fall asleep crying and wake myself up, because I was crying in my sleep. My grief was so deep in my psyche. At one point, my husband told me he had to go with other women just to get away from my noise, the noise being my grief after some big trauma occurred, whether it was discovering he had infected me with a painful, incurable STD or the time I realized I had a ministroke and he refused to take me to the dr and I could not walk, drive, or speak… traumas to me, trivial to my “perfect loving husband that I failed to appreciate enough so people were determined to save him from me.”
I am sorry for others who are going through what I suffered… but I understand the suffering and as bad as it is, and it’s REAALLLLY bad, it’s better than being tied to a sociopath. We do get THROUGH it. We enough get to the place where our photos show a New Woman (or man!).
NWHSOM
wow, how traumatizing for you..i can’t even begin to know how you felt, or kaya…i feel so silly when i complain about how i feel, i just cannot compare to what you went through..
bravo to you ladies, you have had enough trauma for a lifetime!! what an inspiration you are 🙂
yes janedoe
Here’s secret that I know: Your pain is just as painful to you as my pain is to me. It’s ALL bad. We all have advice to share, everyone’s experience can add something for a new person, stumbling onto LF, in shock and questioning wt… We start with coming here for advice, validation, answers, recovery, and healing. But the beauty of LF is that even though we feel diminished, ground into the dirt, we still have something Valuable to give. We may not realize it, we think a sociopath has stripped up of everything, but because of what kind of people we are, we STILL help, we STILL have a conscience and a heart. As you, I, and EVERY person on here demonstrate over and over.
One of my many lessons from going THROUGH hell is that taking back control of what is done to us is VERY Empowering. As my therapist once told me, you can’t heal when the bombs are still dropping! There is LIFE on the other side of hell.
Thank You. Your words are so kind, and the same can be said right back at you. <3
NWHSOM
isn’t it amazing that aforum of women from all different areas of the world can have so much in common? We all feel the same and think the same and cry and hurt the same. Makes no difference of our age, race or religion…we all can relate to each other because we are all wired the same way…feelings and thoughts and emotions 🙂
Big hugs to you xo
Kaya and not
For years I’d looked like crap while the spath appeared to get better with age…
Last weekend I’d arranged for some old school friends to go to a concert for a band that was from my younger years (I’m 50 now) so the place was full of our age bracket.
My ex sister in law came up to me to say hi after 4 years of not seeing each other but said she didn’t recognize me at first and repeated what she said to her husband as I walked in.
Her words; “wow, that woman is stunning!” her husband said, I think that’s ……. (me) and she came to confirm.
Haha I’m tickled pink! What a compliment and testimony to the elimination of the sociopath!
The same for me as well….After my ending of my marriage bcs my husband didnt want to change and work on it and when I got the final discard from my NP in Nov I looked horrible. All my friends would say you really want to go out? I didnt but I tried. I still feel horrible but I dont look it as much but please can someone tell me how long this is gonna be??? I cry myself to sleep, wake up crying too and when I hear a song or smell him. I cant wondering if he is sorry or thinking of me. I see he looks tired now and he didnt before but I still want him. even after all the crap hes done. Then I tell myself do I want to go and check up on him every night to see what he is doing if he is lying to me too. Its terrible and I took off today to pack the house so I can get ready for my move and all I have been doing is thinking of him. I re read what Joyce wrote and I believe it but my heart still aches. I dont know if too, his likes were what I liked and now I dont have anyone to do those things with anymore but me. I am so sad inside. I want this to go away.
Jenna
Congratulations , 90 days, that’s awesome. And yes, they just go on like we never existed. Like I said, I was “erased” after 20 years. But it’s a blessing for all of us. If I really think about it ,there were no good times. What I perceived as happy times was just an illusion. He changed his game a little and I thought I was happy. You are so lucky you don’t children with him.
I am so blessed my son knows what his father is. He always saw the truth in him. It does not bother us when the ex writes notes how “he is crying every night “. He never cared one bit about my tears when he walked out on us with words “I am not in love with you anymore. “It’s just a new little scheme of him but we know the truth.
Life will be good for you again. Let him drive his Porsche around. In reality he had a sorry, cold life and he has no heart or soul. So what good is a porsche?
Undertheradar
I agree with you and HM. Elsa’s guy sound scary as hell. I dot know why but if I trust my gut, he could be physical if push came to shove.
Mine was def not one to display any kind of reaction or emotion in front of others. He was very quiet when others were around it was just as scary as someone who could be boisterous. I always thought him to be sneaky or afraid to be noticed when in public, almost afraid he’d be spotted by someone…I thought it the first time I met him and I shd have acted upon my gut feeling then I wouldn’t be in this position
Don’t push his buttons Elsa it sounds like HM said, he could grab your arm or shove you if you don’t give him what he wants.
He has a very short fuse. I have never seen him be violent but he is horrid when he is angry!
I don’t think he would get angry in public and I think if I ignored him he would just quietly goad me. He is persecuting me, I know. And yet, he woudl say I was persecuting him by trying to resolve hints. But I have stopped that 3 weeks ago. Ok, I have slipped up on the NC but he can OT accuse me of bothering him.
He could block me if he wanted to and he hasn’t so what does that say?
I have destroyed his number, removed it from my phone.
At the moment I still know it by heart but I am hoping in time I will forget it!
I am not sure why but today I feel much better. Still angry and overwhelmingly sAd but I am not going to let him destroy me.
He perhaps feels he is giving me the silent treatment but I am trying to look at it that I am choosing NC and, even if he does come back, I hope I will be strong enough to keep choosing that path!
I don’t expec him to come back at the momwnt and the longer I don’t see him for the better.
I need to heal!
Xxx
elsa
yay! good for you that you feel the way you do…
you may experience ups and downs or high and lows of this feeling but with time i find it gets more and more..when you feel angry and want to continue NC, think of all the crap he has done that makes you angry and is unfair, i find that prolongs that hatred feeling and helps us not to fall back into missing them…i don’t know how many times i day i can go through this but if i think of the rotten things, i really get disgusted…
even something that turned me off that isn’t related to his behaviour…once i saw him go nuts with anxiety saying he had a stomach ache and felt ill because he couldn’t find a pair of sunglasses…we raced all over looking for them and i couldn’t believe how he reacts when he is stressed…!! lol what an idiot he looked like i remember thinking…so all those little things that made me subconsciously think he was weird, also helps me when i don’t want to break NC
Thank you!!,
Who knows how I will feel tomorrow????
But I am less anxious today and that feels better. Right now, I don’t have any interest in how he is, where he is or who he is with. His words are empty, his actions insincere and he doesn’t even have a heart!!
I hope we can all survive!
elsa
exactly! we don’t know how we will feel tomorrow but take today and reflect on his horrible actions, let someone else have him 🙂
Elsa
I enjoyed your post, you have swung into self empowerment mode. Feelings come and go, that’s normal. But once you know the feeling of choosing “NO MORE”, it will come again and again, and soon the incidents will be flipped… in that NO MORE will be your norm and feeling bummed will be an occasional incident. That’s how the recovery process goes. Not a straight line, but an eventual upward trend and a place where you will be adamant and never allow someone this kind of control over you ever again. You’ll still retain your good kind heart, but you are more protective of it. As you have learned, that part of you is SO valuable that it’s the target of evil ones.